tips and hints receiving feedback - improving how you ......learn and grow, and the need to be...

Receiving Feedback Tips and Hints

© Discovery in Action® Further Reading : 1-3. Finding the coaching in criticism, Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone, HBR blog, 2014 www.discoveryinaction.com.au

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Receiving Feedback - improving how you respond ”I am able to control only that of which I am aware. That of which I am unaware controls me. Awareness empowers me”. Sir John Whitmore

“Getting feedback is like finding your location on a map. While you need to know where you’ve been and what your destination is, it’s also critical to have an accurate picture of where you are now.” Successful Manager’s Handbook

Reality Check I am on track if:

• I have an open mindset to receiving feedback - it does provide an opportunity to be even better.

• I know my typical response to being on the receiving end of critical feedback, and help myself to 'unpack' it.

• I actively seek feedback rather than just wait till it comes. • I learn from the feedback and close the loop with the giver of feedback by

sharing my insights and if appropriate, my intentions to modify things. • I practice my 'self control' emotional intelligence competence when receiving

'unfair criticism'. Warning signs are if:

• I find myself getting overly defensive about the feedback being received. How dare they? What would they know anyway? Maybe there is some truth in there - look for it…

• I obsess about the one thing in twenty that has not gone well. Feedback is part of life. Find ways to have a healthier mindset towards corrective feedback.

• I don't know what to do with the feedback I've received. Corrective feedback can be messily delivered and it can be hard to obtain a practical understanding about you need to change. Feedback needs to be specific and about something you can control.

• People only seem to find opportunities for me to improve. Ego is not a dirty word! We need to know what is working as well! Ask them.

When you are on the receiving end…..

Most people find it challenging being on the receiving end of feedback. 'The process strikes at the tension between two core human needs - the need to learn and grow, and the need to be accepted just the way you are.'1

And people can find it difficult to receive all kinds of feedback - not just the tough stuff…the positive reinforcing kind (positive), the opportunity to improve kind (developmental) and the critical or corrective kind. And our responses are going to be driven by our history and experiences with feedback to date, who or where it is coming from, when it happens, and the way we are wired!

No matter how clumsily or expertly it can be delivered, the receiver of the feedback is also in control. We decide if we will block it out or let it in. We decide if we will try to make sense of it, or ignore it completely. And we decide if we are going to modify things after we have made sense of what we have heard.

Need to learn and grow

Need to be accepted just as I am



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How do you typically respond? One of the ways to improve your ability to receive feedback is to know your tendencies - How do you typically respond?

• Do you defend yourself? (That is not right)

• Do you tend to blame others? (It wasn't my fault)

• Do you feel misunderstood? (You don't get me, I don't understand what you mean)

• Do you feel like a 'victim'? (It's not fair…)

• Do you argue over the delivery method? (And he said it in front of Joe)

• Do you strike back? (Well, let me tell you…)

• Do you smile on the outside but crumble inside?

• Do you get teary?

• Do you obsess about the negatives - playing the conversation over and over again?

• Do you reject things at first, but come to an understanding aft er you have had time to deal with it?

• Do you accept it straight out then have second thoughts?

• Do you agree with it but have trouble changing behaviour?

Having a greater awareness of 'your style' can help you to be better in the moment - stop and take a breath.

How feedback can push your buttons

"Truth triggers are set off by the content of the feedback. When assessments or advice seem off base, unhelpful, or simply untrue, you feel indignant, wronged, and exasperated.

Relationship triggers are tripped by the person providing the feedback. Exchanges are often coloured by what you believe about the giver (He’s got no credibility on this topic!) and how you feel about your previous interactions (After all I’ve done for you, I get this petty criticism?). So you might reject coaching that you would accept on its merits if it came from someone else.

Identity triggers are all about your relationship with yourself. Whether the feedback is right or wrong, wise or witless, it can be devastating if it causes your sense of who you are to come undone. In such moments you’ll struggle with feeling overwhelmed, defensive, or off balance.

All these responses are natural and reasonable; in some cases they are unavoidable. The solution isn’t to pretend you don’t have them. It’s to recognize what’s happening and learn how to derive benefit from feedback even when it sets off one or more of your triggers. "2

Things I can do to improve my effectiveness in receiving feedback:

• View feedback more favourably. Feedback is generally given for two purposes; to motivate (reinforce excellent performance and to encourage someone to continue or exceed that level of performance) or to change (to provide feedback about how to improve performance or develop skills). Work to hear feedback as potentially valuable advice from a fresh perspective rather than a negative view of what has happened before.

• Disentangle the 'what' from the 'who'. Sometimes we block feedback because of who gives it to us. 'If the feedback is on target and the advice is wise, it shouldn't matter who delivers it. But it does.'3 Try hard to separate the content of the



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feedback from any baggage that might be associated with the person giving it to you. You might miss something worthwhile!

• When you are 'in the moment' arm yourself with these ideas : o If you have asked for specific feedback (eg about your DiA model) and

are worried this gives someone a chance to tell you all your weaknesses, don’t allow it. This is not a gap analysis. Ask for your strengths as well.

o If someone makes a generalisation, it is ok to ask for an example or something more specific.

o If someone can’t give you a past example, ask them what they would like you to do differently in the future.

o If is fine to tell people you are in listening mode and that you need time to process things. ‘Thanks for that feedback. I will go away and think more about it and get back to you once I have thought about it a bit more’.

• Help yourself to make sense of the feedback. Separate the facts from the way you may have originally interpreted them or the meaning you have attached to them. It is important to make sense of the feedback before you choose to accept or reject it. There are reflection questions on the other side of the page that can help you. You might need to reframe things.

• Be the one to initiate feedback. Actively seek feedback often than just wait for it. What is one thing that I do next time to bring about an even better result?

• Close the feedback loop. If you take on the feedback, get back the person to tell them what you are planning to do with the feedback. And ask them to help you by sharing what is working, and any tweaks you need as you try to build new habits.

• It is ok to not take on the feedback you receive - but don't do it automatically. You may rationalise that the feedback may not be right or helpful. Can someone else give you some perspective on this issue? Feedback does give you the opportunity to become aware of a blind spot.

Tips for being on the receiving end of feedback….

Helping yourself to make sense of things…

Reverse Lens - If I was standing in their shoes, how might this look to them? What might be true?

Wide lens - How can I grow and learn from this information?

Long lens - How will I most likely view this feedback in a few weeks / months from now?

1. Listen thoroughly and take the full message2. Remain objective, do not become defensive or aggressive

• Mindset – recognise an opportunity for learning3. Ask questions to clarify4. Be assertive, look for reasonable explanations or evidence of what

is being said if you are unsure of validity5. Think before you: reject, accept or act upon what is being said

• Breathe. It is normal to feel a variety of emotions. Be honest -“Ouch – that is hard to hear”

• Take time if you need to. “I’ve heard you. Let me process what you’ve said and I’ll get back to you”

6. If appropriate, share your position, accept what is said, but don’t over apologise or aggressively argue your point

7. Thank someone for their feedback. It can be tricky being on the giving end too!



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Consider how this information informs you about your leadership practice

If you are embarking on the 'testing phase' of the DiA Leading People consider the following…

Beliefs

Did my assumptions about what people need ring true for them? Do I need to make subtle changes? Was anything major missing?

Behaviours

Were there any critical behaviours and actions missing? What else do they need from a leader? What was more / less important than I originally thought?

My self assessment

How did they rate me? What are I doing well? What more / else do they want from me? Where can I improve?

On the receiving end of ‘unfair criticism’

•First and foremost – deal with your initial response. Be calm. Take a few breaths

•Repeat the points back to check you have understood them correctly• "So, what you're saying is…“ Take the focus off of your reaction and put it back onto the

criticisms – without accepting or denying them.

•Open up both perspectives• "I can see how you might get that idea, but I probably haven't properly explained that." “From

my perspective…“. This shows that you're willing to look at things from their perspective and may help resolve an incorrect impression.

•Move on politely•Depending on the response, this might be the end of it. "That's certainly something to think

about going forward, and I appreciate the feedback.” This presents you as someone genuinely trying to do the best job possible – and places the focus on future interactions.

•Arrange a follow up meeting• In other cases, you may need time to develop a good response, and prepare more fully for a

follow up conversation.

More info at http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/UnfairCriticism.htm#np

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