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By Joyce oglesBy

Just Ask Joyce

Q:

I have an 11-year-old son who is academically brilliant. My 9-year-old son struggles academically but is athletically inclined. Their dad, also an athlete, takes up most of his free time with the 9-year-old either coaching him in sports or the two of them watching some game on TV. My oldest son doesn’t complain, but the hurt and longing in his eyes is telltale. I have talked with my husband, but judging from his demeanor, he thinks I’m blowing it out of proportion. Should I be concerned about the imbalance in the attention from their dad or just leave well enough alone?

— Anonymous

Joyce: The damage that is occurring to your 11-year-old may soon be irreversible. The disparity in attention could potentially affect the relationship between him and his dad for the rest of their lives. I have seen many families experience this sort of parent-child and grandparent-child favoritism. What makes the situation even more tragic is when the “mature” adult is in denial about their behavior.

Not being familiar with your husband’s demeanor, I hesitate to cast judgment on his truest intentions. I would surmise, however, that it is easier for him to relate to his “own kind” in that they share the same interests and abilities. It could be, also, that your husband is reliving his bygone days through the athletic son. Regardless of the ease in the relationship and/or his youthful recommencement, his obligation and responsibility lie with both of his sons.

Here are a few suggestions:

• spend some time taking pictures and/or videotaping the interaction between the two “athletes” as well as Dad and the academic son. you may be surprised yourself if time is actually balanced. It may well be beneficial for one if not both of you.

• once you have a good month’s worth of “proof” of the disparity, should it exist, then you can choose a quiet moment when you have his undivided attention. It will need to be a delicate approach so that he won’t bolt and refuse to listen. What you want to avoid is a tiff between the two of you, as well as predisposing him to distance himself from the other son any further.

• Be prepared to validate the fact that you made sure you videoed each interaction. If he is in denial now, he is certain to suggest that you were not always around when the interaction took place. It will have to be an intense effort on your part to ensure you do everyone concerned justice in this endeavor. I would also suggest that you never reveal to the boys the notion behind this “experiment.”

• once you have tendered your argument verbally and visually to him, ask him to give it some thought. Talk with him and attempt to get him to understand the emotional damage that could be occurring with the non-athletic child. encourage him to spend one-on-one time with him at the library, a museum, or some point of interest.

• It will be important that you have your argument well laid out. Being tender and non-accusatory will be crucial in reaching your husband regarding this issue. If you fail to tug at his heartstrings, he might immediately revert to his usual conduct. If he’s a loving dad, your words will fall on his heart, and eventually will take root.

• In the meantime, be the encourager for the academic son. If your husband was weak in academics in school, this could be another reason he is shying away from engaging with the studious child. It could pose a real threat to the dad, so be cognizant and sensitive to that fact. But, you must step in and make sure this son is not left “alone in his world.”

• Perhaps there is a family member or friend who could step in and provide the male exposure which is so necessary to this child’s development. While that may encroach on his dad’s territory, it should be a win-win situation. Dad may very well step up to the plate and make amends.

• I would be remiss if I did not suggest that you pray about this situation. These sorts of issues in family can damage its strong legacy.

every child is precious. They are quite precocious creatures. Their emotional security is fragile. It’s important they feel loved, special, and appreciated for their individual gifts, and they need this affirmation from their parents. There is only a little window of time parents have to shape healthy emotional stability in children. It’s an accountability no parent wants to look back on with regret.

By Caitlin Gaynor

Dating Dilemmas

technology & Relationships

t he evolution of technology has completely changed all types of relationships. some of

these changes are healthy and beneficial, while others not so much. With all of the

latest and greatest technology, how do you decipher when enough

communicating is enough? the biggest problem with

technology today is the supposed need to be

in constant contact with people at all times. it can be

overwhelming and cause unnecessary

drama and stress in your life. Challenge yourself to

make some technology changes to better your relationship with not

only yourself, but others as well.

Try this: Don’t text and drive. some of us are guilty of it at one point or another. it is

not worth it because even if you think you may be a skilled multi-tasker while driving, you just never

know. txtresponsibly.org is a website devoted to the stories of people who have had tragic accidents because of texting while driving.

Try this: Don’t angry text. sometimes it’s hard to really get what you are trying to say across clearly in a text. talking on the phone or in person can settle an argument much more effectively than texting can.

Try this: turn your phone off for a few hours. it is so liberating to not have to look at your phone and worry about what the outside world is doing. maybe you can even work up to a half a day or an entire day with your phone off…now that would be something. Worry about yourself, and have some “you time” without your cell phone in your hand.

Try this: Don’t post your life story on social networking sites. if you have something angry to say, write it down on a piece of paper. Don’t put it online for everyone to see. it just creates more drama for yourself. You never know who may be looking at your page, so don’t post anything you wouldn’t want your grandmother to see.

technology definitely makes our lives easier, so easy that it is almost addictive! We have to realize that sometimes it’s time to put it down and be in the moment.