HEADLINE THINGYThis is the standfirst what says what is what and that and has names of people DONE BIGGLY plus all kinds of other stuff blah blah say three lines worth of 12-point type that’s what this is oh yes indeed. Hello hello hello and so on and so forth. Despite having lived in Brighton for three years whilst doing the world’s most pointless degree (Eng-lish and Film Studies at Sussex), I didn’t actually ‘get into’ derby until I’d moved back to London. I’d heard of the Brighton Rockers, and was impressed by the high calibre of punning in the team-names (Chariot Sophia? Chaka Carnage? These are my kind of people), but hadn’t seen it in action. I got the bug, though. And the bug got more in-tense after I bumped into the London Roller Girls on a flight to Berlin and they told me it was several different kinds of awesome. So after months of go-ing “ooh that looks interesting”, my bug developed into a full-blown derby addiction: I spent hours watching jams on YouTube, came up with hundreds of pun-tastic derby names for myself, and trundled round and round Dulwich Park in the rain trying to break in my new roller-skates (which is a terrible idea, for the record.) I had visions of my low centre of gravity and hefty backside coming in useful, speeding around the track like a sparkly bullet leaving the opposing team to cough on my dust. Kids wear roller-skates. How hard could it be? Imagine having a game of Twister with Ryan Gos-ling on Space Mountain. Roller derby is more fun than that. After three weeks, I’ve made so many new friends I’ve lost count. Although starting any new sport can be scary – especially when you see just how fast those big girls go, and feeling like you’ll never be that cool – it stops being intimidating and becomes ludicrously funny when there’s two of you trying to hold a conversation with gumshields in. The more seasoned members of the league – Day-light Throbbery, Angel DDelight and Gin Atomic, amongst others - were very sympathetic consider-ing just exactly how crap we all must have been. Skidding off track at full speed and crashing onto the floor for what felt like the hundredth time, I felt a flash of panic – had I felt my thumb crack? Did it

look slightly off-centre compared to the other one? Would I ever play piano again? “That looks like it’s going blue,” remarked Day-light Throbbery, in the exact tone of voice my mum uses when saying “this cardigan would look nice on you.”Through some miracle, and despite my impressive show of whimpering and holding an ice-pack to my thumb (which has made a miraculous recovery), I got accepted into the training programme – which means that I will now spend five hours a week learn-ing how to make someone fall on their face using only my right hip. I’m no sports-dodger by any means – I have two silver medals for fencing, which I let myself gloat about twice a year. But I’ve never, ever been part of a sport where I’ve leapt out of bed first thing in the morning just to do the exercises. I do those planks every single damn day. I accumulate hours in derby stance. I’ve only done it for a few weeks and already I feel more disciplined and more dedicated than I’ve ever felt in my life. I’ve even started doing pilates, for god’s sake. Do yourself a favour – buy a crappy pair of roller-skates and some all-important pads and get thee to your local fresh meat trials. Or, failing that, go and see a bout – and bring a spare pair of knickers.

ROCK(ERS) SONGS

shamazing (adj): something that is considerably more amazing than normal levels of amazing

Brighton Rockers All Terrain Support (BRATS) present an unofficial Brighton Rockers songbook. Got some better chants than these of your own? Of course you have. Send them to brightonbrats@yahoo.co.uk and we’ll include as many as we can next time...

SONGBOOK

2

eg: ‘That was a shamazing shimmy on the inside line by Shambolic, wasn’t it, Your Holiness?’

SONGBOOK

�

philosphearsome (adj): adept at taking ace photos

SONGBOOK

�

This is the standfirst what says what is what and that and has names of people DONE BIGGLY plus all kinds of other stuff blah blah say three lines worth of 12-point type that’s what this is oh yes indeed. Hello hello hello and so on and so forth.

Brighton Rockers were formed on Valentine’s Day 2010. What was the build up that had lead up to that point? Well in my case, Rose [Rose Bleed, above] told me what little she had heard about roller derby. She Googled ‘Brighton roller derby’, saw some-thing about forming a group on Facebook, and at the same time someone placed an ad in the Friday-Ad. Genius! The Facebook group organised the first meet-up in the Lion and Lobster on Valentine’s Day.

What happened on the day itself? How many people showed up? Originally I wasn’t really in-terested myself. I had never been into any sport and didn’t really know how to skate. I just went along so I didn’t have to spend the evening alone. It was a funny bunch of people. There were about twenty to thirty there, including Chariot Sophia, The Mighty Mighty Bash, Mass Janeycide, Mistress, Enyo Face and loads of others. To be honest I thought they all seemed a bit mental (especially Sophia) but I’m so bossy that by the end I was offering to help organise practice space and getting people’s numbers.

What particular expectations did people have on that day of how the Rockers might progress as a team and an organisation going forward? I’m not sure if we had any expectations at all, to be hon-est. Apart from Bash who already played for London Rockin’ Rollers, I don’t think anyone had a clear idea what roller derby was. I certainly didn’t. I have no idea what had brought us all there and made us so deter-mined to start something. That’s the magic of derby.

Three years on are you happy with where the Rockers are now? I couldn’t be prouder of the Rock-ers. Not only are both the A- and B-teams excelling at the sport side of things, but we also have thousands of fans who are prepared to pay out their hard-earned money in a horrible financial climate to come and support us. That makes me feel extremely humbled and at the same time very excited.

Are there any particular milestones that stand out from those first three years of Brighton Rock-ers Roller Derby? Obviously the first public home

Today’s bout celebrates the Brighton Rockers’ third birthday. We catch up with THE HAIRY FAIRY, who was there at the birth, for the lowdown on that fateful day and the three years of derby awesomeness that have followed...

2010-2013

� mighty mighty (adj): extremely powerful and potent, eg: ‘This is a mighty mighty chilli, Mildred.

ROCKERS ONTRACK 2013

HEADLINE THINGYDespite having lived in Brighton for three years whilst doing the world’s most pointless degree (Eng-lish and Film Studies at Sussex), I didn’t actually ‘get into’ derby until I’d moved back to London. I’d heard of the Brighton Rockers, and was impressed by the high calibre of punning in the team-names (Chariot Sophia? Chaka Carnage? These are my kind of people), but hadn’t seen it in action. I got the bug, though. And the bug got more in-tense after I bumped into the London Roller Girls on a flight to Berlin and they told me it was several different kinds of awesome. So after months of go-ing “ooh that looks interesting”, my bug developed into a full-blown derby addiction: I spent hours watching jams on YouTube, came up with hundreds of pun-tastic derby names for myself, and trundled round and round Dulwich Park in the rain trying to break in my new roller-skates (which is a terrible idea, for the record.) I had visions of my low centre of gravity and hefty backside coming in useful, speeding around the track like a sparkly bullet leaving the opposing team to cough on my dust. Kids wear roller-skates. How hard could it be? Imagine having a game of Twister with Ryan Gos-ling on Space Mountain. Roller derby is more fun than that. After three weeks, I’ve made so many new friends I’ve lost count. Although starting any new sport can be scary – especially when you see just how fast those big girls go, and feeling like you’ll never be that cool – it stops being intimidating and becomes ludicrously funny when there’s two of you trying to hold a conversation with gumshields in. The more seasoned members of the league – Day-light Throbbery, Angel DDelight and Gin Atomic, amongst others - were very sympathetic consider-ing just exactly how crap we all must have been. Skidding off track at full speed and crashing onto the floor for what felt like the hundredth time, I felt a flash of panic – had I felt my thumb crack? Did it

look slightly off-centre compared to the other one? Would I ever play piano again? “That looks like it’s going blue,” remarked Day-light Throbbery, in the exact tone of voice my mum uses when saying “this cardigan would look nice on you.”Through some miracle, and despite my impressive show of whimpering and holding an ice-pack to my thumb (which has made a miraculous recovery), I got accepted into the training programme – which means that I will now spend five hours a week learn-ing how to make someone fall on their face using only my right hip. I’m no sports-dodger by any means – I have two silver medals for fencing, which I let myself gloat about twice a year. But I’ve never, ever been part of a sport where I’ve leapt out of bed first thing in the morning just to do the exercises. I do those planks every single damn day. I accumulate hours in derby stance. I’ve only done it for a few weeks and already I feel more disciplined and more dedicated than I’ve ever felt in my life. I’ve even started doing pilates, for god’s sake. Do yourself a favour – buy a crappy pair of roller-skates and some all-important pads and get thee to your local fresh meat trials. Or, failing that, go and see a bout – and bring a spare pair of knickers.

2010-2013

My ruddy ears are steaming.’ �

bout was always going to be a big occasion, but we were all so stressed about it that I was just relieved when it was over. Really I think the best is yet to come. This year is looking very exciting!

On the playing side, Brighton have made re-markable progress. You’re currently ranked sixth in the UK after only two years of bouting. What do you put that down to? To be honest, ranking is a bit of a questionable subject; by the time this goes to print things will have changed and it keeps on chang-ing all the time. I think for us we know who we want to play and, win or lose, our aim is always to learn.

Last year, with all due respect to your opponents, most bouts saw Brighton win quite convincingly. Looking at your first two opponents of 2013 (LRR and Glasgow) you seem to be picking tougher fights this year. Is that intentional? Absolutely. It’s always hard when you’re a new-ish team. You have to play a few games to get a feel for your level of play. This year is going to see us playing some really tough challengers. We can’t wait!

So far your only defeat came behind closed doors by the narrowest of margins (177-180 v London Brawl Saints). Any plans for an open door re-match? As far as I know there’s nothing planned for this year, but we’d certainly love to play them again so maybe next year? We had so much fun playing them. It was a privilege to lose to such a good team.

What are your hopes for 2013? More of the same! Great games, great training, amazing parties!

And going forward, where do you hope/expect the Rockers to be come Valentine’s Day 2016, a further three years down the line? I think we would all like to be playing the top level teams around Europe and hopefully the USA. Personally I’d love to play in – and fill – the Brighton Centre. I think these are really achievable goals.

Today’s Third Anniver-sary Bout is Bright-on’s first double header (A- and B-team bouts). Has that made things organisationally more complex? Not really. We have so many

amazing helpers from all over the league and beyond. It’s getting easier and easier to organise these events. We learn new things every time we do it, but it’s all so much less stressful that the first time.

Today marks the first time The Mighty Mighty Bash will face her previous team in a public bout, something a lot of derby fans have been looking forward to. Do you think Bash’s performance is going to be a significant factor in the result? Oh yeah, I hadn’t really thought about that. The Rockers see LRR as our best friend league. Since the begin-ning they have helped us, given us advice, helped us with training and shown us endless support while we have been progressing. I don’t think we would be here without their support and Bash’s dedication to both teams. However Bash is not going to let that get in the way. She’s ready to knock ’em down!

There will likely be a fair few derby virgins in to-day’s audience (as at previous bouts). Is there any advice you can give to someone watching roller derby for the first time today? Just keep an eye on the player with a star on her helmet. Don’t worry if you don’t understand what’s going on, just enjoy it. Derby audiences are famously friendly, so if you get confused go ask someone who’s shouting a lot.

Any particularly star players or tactics people should look out for from the Brighton Rockers? Oh that would be telling! We have some pretty nifty jammers; Rose Bleed makes it look easy, Shambolic seems to be invisible to opponents at times... but also don’t forget those trusty blockers; Mother Trucker can pack a punch and Dr Whooligan is a star. Oh, and Bash is pretty good too as you might notice.

I’m sure all the Rockers fans would like to wish the league a happy third birthday. Do you have any message for the fans? Thank you and keep en-

joying derby. It’s only going to get better. There is literally nothing better than hearing

“Rockers” being shouted, it makes me want to cry. It’s amazing that in just three

short years we have built something up

that inspires people to get really excited about

sport. Thank you, thank you, thank you xxxx.

For anyone reading this who might not know, what is ‘Fresh Meat’? Fresh Meat is course designed to teach the skills utilised in roller derby.

How long does a Rockers’ Fresh Meat course last? Brighton has a 12 week FM programme, starting with the very basics of falls, stops and striding, progressing on to advanced footwork, blocking and hitting.

How many Fresh Meat intakes have the Rockers had to date, and how does the Class of 2013 com-pare to previous ones? Presumably there’s a wide variety of abilities. Have you spotted any stars in the making? This is our fourth intake to date and we have high hopes for this group. We have raised the re-quirements in that potential ‘freshies’ need to already be comfortable and confident on skates. Unfortu-nately, we no longer have the time and resourc-es to teach people to skate, so we encourage all those that are interested in joining us to get skating now!

To be eligible to bout a skater needs to pass ‘Minimum Skills’. What does that entail? Is it something that a lot of people have to retake multiple times like a driving test? The sport’s governing body WFTDA (Women’s Flat Track Derby Association) sets the Minimum Skills. This

is a safety issue. All skaters must be deemed safe to scrimmage (play the game of derby). Few skaters pass everything on the first try. We do offer other op-portunities for skaters to retake portions of the test they may not have passed.

How quickly could a player graduate from pass-ing FM to playing for the Rockers A-team? Learn-ing to play derby is a long process. Even highly skilled skaters need time to practice and fully absorb the specific movements, rules and strategy of the game. I’d say that it could take 12-18 months for a skater to progress from FM to trying out for the A-team.

If there’s any readers who fancy trying out for the Rockers after watching today’s bouts, when

do you next expect to take on Fresh Meat, and what can people do to prepare in

the meantime? We are hoping to do an accelerated FM programme in the

late summer but have yet to confirm dates. My best advice would be to put some wheels on your feet and get skating! Also, you can gain a wealth of knowledge of the game by watching. Go to see as many

bouts as you can. We would like to thank all of you for coming out to see us today. We’ll do our best to impress!

Golly, it’s a three page special on beginners’ roller derby training! We’ll hear from some people going through Fresh Meat training in a bit, but first here’s Rockers freshie coach MISTRESS VON UBER VIXEN to give us an overview of FM Brighton style...

FRESHMEATSPECIAL

FRESH MEAT

� vixenly (adv):

A FULL CRD CHECKBRATS (the Rockers fan group behind this fanzine) has a number of members in Fresh Meat programmes across the country, including LILY RAE. She recently left Brighton for the bright lights of South London, where she discovered Croydon Roller Derby... Despite having lived in Brighton for three years whilst doing the world’s most pointless degree (English and Film Studies at Sussex), I didn’t actually ‘get into’ der-by until I’d moved back to London. I’d heard of the Brighton Rockers, and was impressed by the high cal-ibre of punning in the player names (Chariot Sophia? Chaka Carnage? Heck, these are my kind of people) but hadn’t seen them in action. I got the bug, though. And the bug got more in-tense after I bumped into the London Rollergirls on a flight to Berlin. They were on their way to compete in (and comprehensively win) the ‘Champions of Eu-rope’ tournament Track Queens. They told me that derby was several different kinds of awesome. So after months of going “ooh that looks interesting”, my bug developed into a full-blown derby addiction: I spent hours watching jams on YouTube, came up with hun-dreds of pun-tastic derby names for myself, and trun-dled round and round Dulwich Park in the rain trying to break in my new rollerskates (which is a terrible idea, for the record). I had visions of my low centre of gravity and hefty backside coming in useful, speeding around the track like a sparkly bullet leaving the opposing team to cough on my dust. I mean, kids wear rollerskates. How hard could it be? Imagine having a game of Twister with Ryan Gos-ling on Space Mountain. Roller derby is more fun than that. After three weeks, I’ve made so many new friends I’ve lost count. Although starting any new sport can be scary – especially when you see just how fast those big girls go and feel like you’ll never be that cool – it stops being intimi-dating and becomes ludicrously funny when there’s two of you trying to hold a conversation with gumshields in. The more seasoned members of the league – Daylight Throbbery, Angel DDelight and Gin Atomic, amongst others – were very sympathetic con-sidering just exactly how crap we all must have been. Skidding off track at full

speed and crashing onto the floor for what felt like the hundredth time, I felt a flash of panic – had I felt my thumb crack? Did it look slightly off-centre compared to the other one? Would I ever play piano again? “That looks like it’s going blue,” remarked Daylight Throbbery, in the exact tone of voice my mum uses when saying “this cardigan would look nice on you.” Through some miracle, and despite my impressive show of whimpering and holding an ice-pack to my thumb (which has since made a miraculous recov-ery, by the way), I got ac-cepted into the Fresh Meat training programme – which means that I will now spend five hours a week learning how to make some-one fall on their face using only my right hip. I’m no sports-dodger by any means – I have two sil-ver medals for fencing, which I let myself gloat about twice a year. But I’ve never ever been part of a sport where I’ve leapt out of bed first thing in the morning just to do the exercises. I do those planks every single damn day. I accumulate hours in derby stance. I’ve only been doing roller derby for a few weeks and already I feel far more disciplined and more dedi-cated than I’ve ever felt in my life before. I’ve even started doing Pilates, for God’s sake!

Do yourself a favour – buy a crappy pair of rollerskates and some all-important pads and get thee to

your local Fresh Meat trials. Or failing that, go and see a bout – and bring a spare pair of knickers.

A slightly swearier ver-sion of this piece can be found on Lily’s blog at badsalad.wordpress.com

FRESH MEAT

�possessing of great stealth (and hair).

CORNISH PASTINGSIn an attempt to have members in every league called CRD, BRATS dispatched LAURA and PETE to Penzance’s (Cornwall Roller Derby affiliated) Rapscallion Rollers...Did the two or you have much skating experience prior to joining Rapscallions’ Fresh Meat? Laura: Not much. I’d had my skates for a few months but had been working so much that I’d only had the chance to skate twice, both times in National Trust car parks at properties where they’d rented yurts! Pete: I started after Laura, and my first taste of rollerskating was at the roller disco in St Ives. I spent a lot of time on the floor but by the end of the night I was hooked!

How did you first find out about roller derby, and what inspired you both to take it up? I’d heard of it when I lived in Brighton but had no idea what it entailed. A few months after leaving Brighton we visited a friend who had just started skat-ing with Oxford Roller Derby [Blammo Suzuki] and she convinced me that it was something I’d enjoy so I was determined to find a team local to us in Cornwall. I was very interested and really wanted to get involved but didn’t think at first that men would be welcome. When I realised that Fresh Meat was open to all, regardless of gender, I was over the moon.

The first FM session in Penzance was filmed by a local TV channel. Much of the footage seemed to consist of Laura falling on her arse. Always laugh-ing. Is enjoying falling over a prerequisite of FM? Short answer – yes. It’s impossible to enjoy learning to skate if you get upset every time you fall over, it’s a vital part of the learning experience. I’m even worse, they just haven’t caught me on camera yet!

What does the average Cornish Fresh Meat ses-sion consist of? Mainly falling! That’s kind of true. You do start by learning basic falls, but there’s also an explanation of roller derby. The more experienced skaters get up and skate a couple of jams, talk you through it and answer any questions anyone has.

Do you do anything off skates that helps your progress in derby? Squats are always good and I do crunches in the morning, but yurt building is such a

physically demanding occupation that I get nearly all the exercise I can handle at work. We’re also giving up smoking – I’ve been looking for something to motivate me to give up for a while and now I’ve found it.

Have you acquired many interesting injuries on the way? Just a few bruises and grazes – nothing more than usual really. I’ve always been dead clumsy anyway. I did land rather badly on my elbow – nothing broken but it was really sore for a couple of weeks.

How far off passing Minimum Skills do you think you are? Still quite a way, work does get in the way sometimes, but I’m doing over 20 laps in five minutes

now and I’m still pretty good at falling!

What ambitions do you have with regard to derby? I’d love to play but I’m becoming

really interested in reffing. Mainly be-cause we’re always travelling around the UK and I know so many teams are cry-ing out for officials. I’d also be happy to

do NSOing but I’m happiest when I’m on my skates. Same here. Reffing has the appeal that you can join in at bouts all over the country, meeting up with new people on different teams.

Have you picked your derby names yet? I’m not sure yet but Laura Norder would be good, especially for a ref! I love pies, so I may go with Slay Bentos!

Have you got any advice for anyone reading this who might be thinking of taking up skating and roller derby in particular? Do it! No, seriously, if you’ve got skates just put them on and go for it – we’ll skate anywhere. We ended up skating on the parade square at a barracks near Cambridge recently. You’ve just got to be cheeky sometimes – we drove right up and asked the guards, and surprisingly they said yes!

Finally, you both lived in Brighton until fairly re-cently. Do you have any third birthday message for the Brighton Rockers? Erm, not terribly origi-nal but “Happy Birthday!” Ditto.

enyoface (noun): like a normal face but a bit angrier, eg: ‘Is that your enyoface, Prime Minister?’10

FRESH MEAT

In a desperate attempt to shoehorn a photo of himself in his silly idiot hat into the magazine, our editor MISTER ADAM presents 800 words of piffle (with added wiffle).

KICKED INTO TOUCHSport, eh? Never been into it as a participant. I’m cur-rently trying to learn to skate, something that largely involves being on first name terms with the floor at the Rockers’ warehouse, but beyond that... nah. Love it as a spectator, though. All kinds of it. Week long Centre Court tickets for the tennis at Eastbourne, hockey arena every other evening at the Olympics... Watching people do things I never could is awesome. I love baseball too. First encountered on a weekend in Boston where taking in a game at Fenway Park – the sport’s schmaltzy, stinky, glorious museumpiece field of dreams – is a tourist trail must. Soon several home games a year. Road trips to Toronto and New York: 7-0 win at Yankee Stadium, 90% of the home fans on the subway home by the middle of the fifth, nice! I gave it up though. Why? Because in the Autumn of 2011, I stumbled into a freezing former Parcelforce de-pot in Shoreham whose floor I now have a long-term relationship with, to watch the Brighton Rockers take on Dublin at roller derby. I was aware of the sport, like most, through *that* Hollywood movie but hadn’t been organised enough to get to a bout before. I haven’t missed a Rockers public bout since, be they at home or away in places like Belgium and Ireland. The money I would have spent going to Boston each year is now spent following the Rockers. My mlb.com subscription [watching baseball online is something of a mission – a season is 162+ games most of which end at 4 or 5am UK time] is well and truly lapsed. At some point last year my ‘second team’ ceased to be the Boston Red Sox and became the Brighton Rockers. My first team? A struggling South London football side called Charlton Athletic. I’ve had a season ticket most years since the mid 80s. As a teenager I created a fanzine dedicated to them – it would be more than twenty years before I found another sports team that excited me enough to do a magazine about them. Two weeks ago, I did something I’ve never done be-fore during a Charlton game. I walked out at half time. Not because it was a poor game (most of them are at Charlton these days) but because it wasn’t derby. Be-cause sport is about give and take and in football the fans give and the players take. The likes of Charlton and Brighton & Hove Albion reportedly lose £7-8m a

year and no-one bats an eyelid. The biggest clubs have debts in the hundreds of millions. Mostly a result of inflated players’ wages. In derby players give and fans take. Yes, a bout ticket costs money as does merch etc, but that’s a fraction of the hundreds of pounds the unpaid people we watch are spending on their pads and skates, their travel to bouts and training, etc. Last summer I attended my first non-Rockers bout. The London Rollergirls A-team, having grown too good for everyone else in Europe, handpicked them-selves a ‘best in Europe’ side as opposition. It was a steely line-up, featuring the likes of Bash and LRR’s Jack Attack, but sadly no match for all-conquering Brawling. What caught my attention was in the first bout of the double-header, Leeds Roller Dolls v LRG’s B-team Brawl Saints (who a few months later would inflict on the Rockers their only defeat to date). The outer track tape was taking a hammering and in the 30 second breaks between jams a woman from the crowd was on her hands and knees, desperately and methodically fixing the tape back up. That woman was Stefanie Mainey. MVP of East Coast Regionals 2011. Team England’s key triple threat player. Some-one widely (and rightly) regarded as the best roller derby player outside of North America. Fixing the track tape. Can you imagine turning up at a football match and David Beckham being a ball boy? I can’t. Footballers live in bubbles of deficit-funded salaries, extreme senses of self-entitlement and often malevo-lent attitudes to others. Derby players, refs, NSOs etc on the other hand are part of our wider community. These are the people serving you your coffee, your burritos, your piercings... but don’t for any moment mistake a sporting status that is ‘amateur’ in literal terms for one that is ‘amateur’ in terms of quality. Through dedication, application, three years of exist-ence and thousands of hours of practice, the Brighton Rockers team have grown into some of the best roller derby players in Europe. We, the people of Sussex, the people crammed into this commuter town sports hall, should be grateful to have them amongst us. The Rockers are no longer my ‘second team’. They are now, as long as they exist and there is air in my lungs, my first team. I hope they are yours too.

scoot’ered (past partciple): sin binned, eg: ‘Where’s Sham?’ ‘Oh, she’s been scoot’ered. Again.’

IDIOT IN A HAT

13

HALF TIME

mothertrucked (past participle): sent flying in a haphazard manner, eg: ‘Those Ritz crackers14

HOW BRIGHTON ROCKERS

HALF TIME

were past their use-by date, Your Majesty. I mothertrucked them out of the kitchen window.’ 15

ROLLER DERBY WORKSIllustration by

Paul Stapletonwww.pogscribbles.org

You think you know derby? You don’t know diddly squat. Nor diddly crunch, diddly plank or diddly lateral twist. Roller derby today, with its ‘rules’ and ‘referees’, ‘medical teams’ and ‘standards’ is a world away from what I know. My name is Ann C Bitch – my derby name? No, my real one. I changed it, and when Mr Bitch (as he’s now known, I changed his as well) complained, well... the cops are still looking. I played for – until they were closed down amidst a number of pretty damn wasteful criminal inves-tigations – one of the first ‘modern revival’ derby leagues. People have probably heard of some of the other early leagues like the Texas Rollergirls (initially BGGW), Arizona, Carolina, LA Derby Dolls, Gotham et al – have you ever heard of my league, the Stink City Roller Psychos of Stink City, Middle Dakota? No? Well, we were actually the first modern derby league. We were formed the day before BGGW. I’m not exactly sure what day they were formed, but we were the day before. Guaranteed. Think I’m lying? Bet you also believe that Lee Harvey Oswald landed on the moon on 9/11. Look beyond the truth, yeah. So anyways, two years into our glorious existence we formed our first intraleague; three teams bout-ing regularly against each other, each based on a different theme. One, the Invalids, invariably lost every game and later blamed a drunken night on the Jägers for even thinking they could bout com-petitively on crutches. (None of them were actually injured, by the way, it was just their ‘theme’). My team, the Civil ServAnts, had a middle manage-ment theme – we dressed as federal employees and for our first three bouts carried clipboards, before (for many reasons) switching to having Post-it notes stuck to our butts instead. We also bouted with ants in our hair, until we realised that capital letter in our name was a mistake by the folk who’d made our jer-seys. Don’t laugh, this was early derby, and our only member with internet access back then (Eight Days A Geek) took everything far too literally; for SCRP’s first six months our ‘jam line’ was a four-inch wide streak of strawberry jelly (‘jam’ in limey talk). Our wheels sure smelled sweeter than we did! We narrowly edged past the Invalids in our final regular season game to qualify for the decider against

our nemesises, the Dirty Motherfarmers. These were tough country folk who slaughtered a sheep on the track before each bout – until animal rights intervened and they had to start using goats. Rivalry between the sides had been building throughout the season. Our captain (Cookie Kicker) and theirs (Cookie Kicker Kicker) had been pranking on each other all year. Things came to a head the night before the decider when CK burned down CKK’s house. Even though she’d removed all of CKK’s possessions and most of her pets beforehand, CKK was seriously pissed the next day. This bout was going to rock! Things were remarkably calm early on – there were a few minor penalty incidents (cherry bombs pushed into elbow pads, hair set on fire, the usual) but the big CK v CKK showdown everyone was waiting for didn’t occur until the final jam of the bout. There was only half a point between the teams – I’ve no idea how someone had scored half a point, but 8DAG owned the only calculator in town and insisted that was the case. The captains were jamming against each other and CK took lead. CKK then threw a hip check the like of which I’d never seen before. We later discov-ered she’d been sharpening her hips on a grinder all morning for this one moment. CK’s head came clean off. Now before you all get squeamish about it, let’s be clear – Cookie Kicker’s a tough cookie. She’d been Stink City Pig Throwing Champion every year in the 90s, apart from that one year the Mayor banned it (she was Mayor Throwing Champion that year). She carried on skating. Didn’t pick up her head on the first pass as it had rolled onto the inside of the track and shouted “no, you might get an out-of-bounds penalty” at the body when it tried. I know referees are supposed to be neutral, but I’m sure our zebra friend Cheatin’ Steve knew what he was doing when he booted her in the ear and over the track tape so she could pick herself up on the second pass, re-head herself, and give CKK a full ‘Exorcist’ – complete with projectile vomit – as the jam timer sounded. We were crowned intraleague champions! That night’s after party was the first in derby history that involved the National Guard being mobilized. The first but by no means the last. Did the Mother-farmers get revenge? Well, that’s a whole other story!

STINKING STORIESANN C BITCH claims to be a roller derby pioneer. We’re too scared to question it!

ANN C BITCH

whooligan (noun): disruptive sci-fi fan, eg: ‘Some whooligan’s painted a Dalek on the Palace roof!’ 17

ROCKIN THE TRACKMost people at today’s bout will be aware of LRR, but for anyone who isn’t can you give us a summa-ry of your history and achievements? We are the London Rockin’ Rollers – we formed in early 2007. We were the first to play an interleague bout in the UK [against Birmingham Blitz] and also in Europe [against Stuttgart]. We formed our ace B-team (now known as Rising Stars) and our three intraleague teams (the Voodoo Skull Krushers, NeanderDolls and Goldie Lookin Chain Gang) in 2010. We became a WFTDA apprentice league in 2012. The same year we held our first boot camp, got sponsorship for our brand new uniforms and won the Tattoo Freeze tournament.

There’s a special relationship of sorts between LRR and Brighton Rockers. How did that come about? Hmmm... am I allowed to discuss this? I thought this was a family show?!

So this game will be really friendly then, yeah? Oh absolutely! That’s not say neither team will be fighting for victory though.

This will be your first time bouting against former Rockin’ Roller The Mighty Mighty Bash. Is this something you’re looking forward to? Or dreading? I personally can’t wait, I’m really looking forward to it, think we all are. Bash was such a great team mate and is such as great roller derby player that it makes her an awesome opponent.

Are there any particular Rockin’ Rollers star play-ers the audience should keep an eye out for today? You have a few internationals in your ranks, don’t you? Yes, we have our lovely Kit Kat Power from Team Sweden – a force to be reckoned with! And whilst we are talking of national teams we have our very own powerhouse Jack Attack from Team England! A new

All Star to look out for on the track today is Rebel Rebel. You won’t be disappointed – she’s a tough one!

Who do you most fear in the Brighton camp? Do you have any particular

tricks up your sleeve to counter them? As a whole the Brighton Rock-ers are a kick ass team, so it’s hard to pick an individual. Plus they are all such lovely ladies that I could never

fear them as such – but they definitely put up a fight on the track. Of course we

have some tricks; so what the plan is, we are going to… haha, you don’t honestly think

I’d tell you?! You’ll have to wait and see…

Would you like to pre-dict the result/score? London Rockin Rollers 400 v Brighton Rock-ers 10. What? A girl can dream can’t she?!

Do you have any third birthday message for the Brighton Rockers? To the bar... *points* There’s some celebrating to be done! On a serious note, well done on get-ting this far, ladies. Keep on doing what ya doing and here’s to many more happy years rollin’.

Finally, do you have any message for your own Rockin’ Rollers fans who are in the crowd at Hay-wards Heath today? As always thank you so much for coming to support us, you all mean a lot to us and I honestly don’t think we would be where we are today if it wasn’t for each and every one of you… today and every day, we skate for you!

This afternoon sees the Brighton Rockers’ eagerly awaited first public contest against the A-team All Stars of their ‘best friend league’ London Rockin’ Rollers. We caught up with All Stars captain BETTY SWOLLOX to ask what we can expect from the bout...

18 rosebled (past participle): effortlessly, almost invisibly sliced apart, eg: ‘I rosebled

BOUT PREVIEW

I have a LOT of bout day rituals! I always shave all my body hair and get a haircut (it makes me feel faster). I also always try to have a massive totally non-sportsman like breakfast, including pan-cakes, bacon and maple syrup! I then tape up my skates and give

my wheels and bearings a good clean.

Not really, but I do love listening to really positive, upbeat or cheesy music I can have a good sing along to. It puts me in the mood to

have a good laugh on the track.

Anything more than zero points would suit me!

Hell yes! Von Bitch is terrifying, as are Jack Attack, Kit Kat Power and Betty Swollox. We’re playing a mean looking team today.

I skate on Riedell 495 boots which I’ve had for a good year now, and I’ve just spoilt myself by buying Rollerbones Turbos wheels.

I am well known for looking grumpy, annoyed or tired if I’m jamming on a power jam.

Playing with the mighty Brighton Rockers of course!

I keep them on the fridge until Sophie (The Hairy Fairy) takes them down and stores them very neatly in a little folder.

No. I have absolutely appalling hand-eye coordination, which is why I play one of the only sports in the world that doesn’t require a

bat or ball of any kind.

It’s always got to be Bonnie Tyler.

Coca Cola! (I dance so much better when I’m sober!)

Don’t look so serious, it’s only a game!

I always wear facepaint to public bouts. I suppose that could be classed as a ritual.

Not really. I’d like there to be, so I’m still searching for the right song. I tried the Rocky soundtrack before – that was quite good!

As a team we ‘kind of do’. We talk about how many ‘more’ than them we’d like to score. Individually my goals are more about keep-ing the differential... so getting lead first and foremost and calling it off at the right time rather than scoring hundreds of points.

BASH!!!!!!!!!!!

I have Bont Hybrids. I’ve had them for almost six months now and I really like them.

Not that I’m aware of... hopefully nothing the Rockers are aware of either, ha ha.

Making Team England and playing for Team England are probably my best achievements so far.

I have a ‘roller derby drawer’ at home where I keep certificates, photos, programmes etc.

No. I’m rubbish at anything like that

I’ve never sung karaoke. I can’t sing either!

Usually a beer!

If I don’t beat you on the track I will beat you at the after party!

Do you have any special bout day rituals or superstitions?

Is there any particular song that motivates you for bouting?

Do you set a target for the number of points you hope to score?

Any of today’s opposing blockers you are particularly wary of?

What boots do you bout in and how long have you had them?

Do you have a particular ‘signature move’ you’re known for?

What’s your greatest acheivement in roller derby?

Where do you keep your MVP/best jammer/etc certificates?

Can you juggle?

What’s your karaoke song of choice?

What’s your after-party beverage of choice?

Do you have a message for your opposite number?

THE JAM LINE

that sirloin steak into one inch strips just how you like it, Mister Dalai Lama, Sir.’ 19

The Bruisers, Brighton’s B-team, have never bouted in public before. How have they fared in bouts and scrimmages behind closed doors? This will be the Bruisers’ first open door bout and we’re really excited about it. We’ve played quite a number of closed door bouts and so far remain undefeated, but you never know which way things are going to go. We’re looking forward to a great game!

Are there any particular star players amongst the Bruisers roster who the fans should keep an eye out for? I think the Bruisers are all about teamwork – that’s what’s really paid off for us so far. It’s not so much about individual standout players, it’s about how we work together. We’ve got some experienced players in the pack, but we also have some players who have never bouted before.

Do you have many players progressing from Fresh Meat through the Bruisers’ ranks and into the Rockers A-team? Or is there not much crossover between the two Brighton teams? The Bruisers is a great platform to build play-ers up to A-team roles. Quite a number of Bruisers have pro-gressed on to the A-team but as we are a small league we have some crossover players who play for both A- and B-teams. It’s their role to guide the newer skaters and also to fulfil roles they don’t play in A-team games –

it’s a great way to practice skills that we wouldn’t nor-mally get a chance to practice. You’ll see players you’ll know primarily as blockers with the A-team jamming and pivoting in newer Bruiser line-ups.

Are the Bruisers being bench and line-up coached by A-teamers today? Is coaching and playing the same afternoon a taxing proposition? Bruisers are being bench and line-up managed by Rose Bleed and Shambolic. As coaches, they know how each of us plays and are heavily involved in the line-up writing stage, so they really know the team and how we work together. I’m pretty sure that after playing, they’ll be able to put their coaching hats on and get on with it. They’re consummate professionals like that!

What do you know of the Portsmouth Roller Wenches? What kind of a bout and result are

you expecting (or at least, hop-ing for) today? We played the Wenches a long time ago and things have changed a lot since then – both

teams have learnt so much. In re-cent months they’ve been facing tough opponents like Croydon

and doing well, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

After this first public outing for the Bruisers, can we hope for more open door B-team bouts

in future? I think we have a couple of open door away games lined up this year, so watch this space!

THE BRUISERS

BRUISE CRUISEHYDE N SHRIEK gives us the lowdown on the Brighton B-team...

hairyfairy (verb): to organise efficiently 20

The Bruisers’ opponents for their first public bout come from that sailor town along the coast (Portsmouth, yeah, not Hove). We caught up with PRW’s RIP McMURPHY for this preview...

NAVAL GAZINGFor anyone at today’s bout who might not be aware of PRW, can you give us a bit of background about your history to date? The Portsmouth Roller Wenches were formed in June 2010, having our first practice on the basketball court of a local primary school. All those months of picking gravel from our grazes did little to dissuade the fierce women of the Central South, and from those humble beginnings we slowly built ourselves up and hurtled on to the open bouting circuit in 2012. This season we’ve stepped up the level of our opposition to cement ourselves as the serious competitors we aspire to be.

Are there any particular Portsmouth players or tactics the crowd should keep an eye out for to-day? We’ve got some pretty fierce triple threats [play-ers adept at all three positions] in the team. If I were a Bruiser, I’d be particularly concerned about the mul-ti-award winning Peggy Peril and Nina Nunchucks – they certainly kick my butt every practice. Our tactics are simple; we are together, we are tight, and we are clever. We’ve learnt from our first game of the season against Croydon and will be coming out with some things you will have not seen from us before.

You’ve played the Brighton Bruisers before (behind closed doors). Will you be altering your tactics today based on that bout at all? No, we will not be altering our tactics for the Bruisers. We always seek to play our own game and not get caught up in the opposition’s, partic-ularly as that game was ancient history in derby terms. Gameplay moves so fast in this sport!

What kind of rivalry is there between you and the Bruisers? Any particular Brighton players you fear? I would like to think that there isn’t ac-tually a rivalry between our leagues. The Rockers are our South Coast sisters and they helped us a lot in the initial formation of our team. In terms of who we fear, I don’t think it’s ever helpful to focus energy onto individual players; teams win through

teamwork and not superstars. That’s why Gotham won over Oly, right? [The New York league beat the Olympia one to clinch the 2012 roller derby crown.]

We caught your recent bout at Croydon where five players (three of them yours) were chucked out of the game. We assume that’s partly due to getting to grips with the 2013 ruleset rather than a wilful dirty streak? I don’t think I’ve ever been in such a penalty heavy game, it was absolutely mad! I do certainly see it as a result of the new ruleset and both players and refs learning how to interpret it, mixed in with a little over exuberance with the excite-ment of the first open game of the season.

Would you like to predict the result/score of to-day’s bout? It’ll be close. The Bruisers are a great team in their own right, but of course I think the Wenches will come away with the win!

Do you have a third birthday message for the Brighton Rockers? Happy birthday Rockers. May your birthday be filled with pot-luck pants and im-possibly high human pyramids!

Finally, do you have any mes-sage for the PRW fans who are in the crowd today? Thank you to all our friends who have come to support us today. As my team mate Eureka Pain says – you build the atmosphere, it wouldn’t be the same without you. Hope to see you all

at our next home bout ‘Eggsterminate’ against Lon-don’s Batter C Power on 23rd March. Wench stench!

BOUT PREVIEW

eg: ‘As Chancellor of the Exchequer, I promise to hairyfairy the economy back to health.’ 21

After today the Rockers are next in action on April 20th away to Glasgow Roller Derby. We asked GRD co-captain ROGUE RUNNER for her thoughts ahead of the bout...

GLASGOWING AWAYAre there any particular Glasgow players or tactics Brighton fans coming up for the bout should look out for? Hmmm… Glasgow’s biggest strength is our ability to play well as a team. No su-perstars or fancy moves, just fourteen players who know each other well and train to-gether every week!

Are there any Brighton play-ers you’re particularly wary of facing? All of them!

The current semi-official UKRDA rankings have Glasgow fourth and Brighton sixth. Are you expecting a close contest? Would you care to predict the result? Yes! I hope it’s close. The close ones are the most fun. Brighton’s recent results have shown them to be a formidable team and we’re really excited to be playing them next month.

What’s your bouting venue like? Is there much seating? More im-portantly, is there a bar? We play in a sports hall, so no bar unfortunately but our after parties are legendary. We’re aiming for a five-tier human pyra-mid this time around!

We know of several Brighton fans who are mak-ing a weekend of it. Do you have any suggestions for things to see and do in the Glasgow area? A trip to Loch Lomond is always good.

Finally, do you have a third birthday message for the Brighton Rockers? Happy birthday! We are ex-cited to be playing you!

ABOUT THE OPPOSITIONGRD were the first flat track league to be formed in Scotland and fourth in the UK after LRG, LRR and Birmingham Blitz. Founding members Teri Toxic and Mistress Malicious drummed up interest on Myspace and the first training session took place on Sunday 29th April 2007. Finding a home at Glagow Caledo-nian University’s Arc Sports Centre, travel team the Irn Bruisers played their first bout in March 2008 against London Rollergirls. Next month they hosted the first intercontinental derby bout in the UK when they took on Team Canada in Glasgow. The Bruisers placed third in the inaugural European tournament, Roll Britannia, in July 2009. The league soon had enough members to establish a second

team, The Maiden Grrders. The Bruisers and the Maidens both competed in the first Scottish

tournament, Highland Fling, in May 2010, finishing in first and third place respectively. At the end of 2010, it was decided to set up home teams for intraleague play. Glasgow

also became a WFTDA Apprentice League during 2011. In 2012 the league moved to a bigger venue, Glasgow’s Kelvinhall Inter-national Sports Arena, for the majority of games and practices.

TICKETS & TRAVELTicket details are yet to be announced -

keep an eye on GRD’s website. At the time of going to press, Easyjet return flights from Gatwick to Glasgow Prestwick start from

£60. More eco-friendly train travel looks to be more than double that! The majority of hotels are

either in the City Centre or the quieter, leafier West End. Expect to pay from £40 a night for a three star. BRATS member Jimmy McGee hails from Glasgow and has these tips: “Any place up Byres Road (Hillhead underground) is a good place for a drink, and also for the cheaper restaurants. Kelvingrove Park and Glas-gow Uni are beautiful. Museums are open on Sunday and free. The Barras flea market is a must. People are friendly and like a drink. It will be wet and cold.”

ROAD TRIP

22 raerayriotous (adj): loud, eg: “Upstairs are having a raerayriotous party, Jeeves. Fetch the shotgun.”

Firstly, a short history. I first met the Rockers properly when I travelled on the bus that took them to meet the Southend Seaside Sirens in 2011. On the way to the bout, I was asked if I was interested in NSOing, and after a short discussion, a brief explanation and a very quick pre-bout talk I found myself running centre whiteboard. It was a little frenetic but I got a fantastic view of the bout and enjoyed the feeling of being involved. Since then I’ve managed the penalty box against Dublin, outside whiteboard against Gent and taken the spotlight role of Jam Timer several times. My name is Baron Hoot and I’m proud to be a core member of the Brighton Rockers Non-Skating Official team. Being an NSO puts you in a strange position. On the one hand you’re a roller derby fan, there to enjoy the bout, see the skaters, enjoy the ac-tion and hopefully celebrate the win. On the other hand you’ve got a serious job to do. I’d say that to an even greater extent than the referees, the best way to be an NSO is to be invisible. You want the bout to run smoothly and without a lot of stoppages so that everyone involved gets what they want out of the day – incredible on-track action. No-one pays for a ticket to see people standing around talking to each other. There’s a great responsi-bility to do your job correctly and ensure both teams enjoy the sport, within the rules and also within the spirit of the rules. At one bout the Head NSO told us we were ‘Team No Fun’. I strongly disagree with this. If the NSOs aren’t having fun, why are they there? Whatever role you’re taking on the team, whether you’re travelling with the away team or safe on home territory, you should be enjoying the day. There’s great excitement to be

had in being allowed into the venue early, setting the track, having that pre-bout talk and putting on the Official T-shirt. The moment the introductions start and you get to walk out in front of a crowd, know-ing that people sitting there are wishing they were in your place, on the inside of the track. When the bout is in full swing, no matter what role you take you’ve got a view no member of the public has – seeing the impacts up close, hearing the little stories that run throughout a bout, seeing how it shapes itself. Being an NSO means that you’re a step closer to the action and to the skaters than the general public, but

it’s also a separate group and com-munity. I’ve now met NSOs from lots of different leagues and a few differ-ent countries and I’ve found the at-titude to be almost identical across all of them. Be professional. Get the job right. Be invisible. Let the bout flow. Ensure fair play and safety. Sup-port those that are learning and learn from those more experienced. Lots of NSOs are also skaters and referees or derby widows of one kind or another. We’re always there to back each other up, regardless of league affiliation. I’d like to close on a shout-out to some of the officials and other NSOs that I’ve worked with. The Rockers are, I believe, extreme-ly fortunate to have such a dedicated

and very high quality team backing them up. People like Head NSO Snow Mercy, referees Scoot’er and Noise Tank, Danger Russ for his scoreboard opera-tion, Kitty Splitter and Ell On Wheels, Pettichoke, Philosphear and her photography, Tango… and many more, too many to mention. They’ve been my derby family for the last two years and they’ve been a delight both on and off the track. So at the bout if you see someone in a grey Offi-cial shirt looking stressed (or trying not to grin when The Mighty Mighty Bash sends someone flying), give them a wave and a thank you. We’ll appreciate it.

Our two minutes (well, twenty eight pages) are nearly up. Before he blows the whistle on our first issue, jam timer BARON HOOT tells us about the life of a Rockers NSO...

OFFICIAL TIMEOUTMATT FINISH

hooter (noun): alternative name for the four short whistles that end a jam when two minutes are up. 25

janeycidal (adj): prone to leaping about and gesticulating wildly, like a traffic cop on too much coffee.

STAT ATTACK

26

HEADLINE THINGYThis is the standfirst what says what is what and that and has names of people DONE BIGGLY plus all kinds of other stuff blah blah say three lines worth of 12-point type that’s what this is oh yes indeed. Hello hello hello and so on and so forth. Despite having lived in Brighton for three years whilst doing the world’s most pointless degree (Eng-lish and Film Studies at Sussex), I didn’t actually ‘get into’ derby until I’d moved back to London. I’d heard of the Brighton Rockers, and was impressed by the high calibre of punning in the team-names (Chariot Sophia? Chaka Carnage? These are my kind of people), but hadn’t seen it in action. I got the bug, though. And the bug got more in-tense after I bumped into the London Roller Girls on a flight to Berlin and they told me it was several different kinds of awesome. So after months of go-ing “ooh that looks interesting”, my bug developed into a full-blown derby addiction: I spent hours watching jams on YouTube, came up with hundreds of pun-tastic derby names for myself, and trundled round and round Dulwich Park in the rain trying to break in my new roller-skates (which is a terrible idea, for the record.) I had visions of my low centre of gravity and hefty backside coming in useful, speeding around the track like a sparkly bullet leaving the opposing team to cough on my dust. Kids wear roller-skates. How hard could it be? Imagine having a game of Twister with Ryan Gos-ling on Space Mountain. Roller derby is more fun than that. After three weeks, I’ve made so many new friends I’ve lost count. Although starting any new sport can be scary – especially when you see just how fast those big girls go, and feeling like you’ll never be that cool – it stops being intimidating and becomes ludicrously funny when there’s two of you trying to hold a conversation with gumshields in. The more seasoned members of the league – Day-light Throbbery, Angel DDelight and Gin Atomic, amongst others - were very sympathetic consider-ing just exactly how crap we all must have been. Skidding off track at full speed and crashing onto the floor for what felt like the hundredth time, I felt a flash of panic – had I felt my thumb crack? Did it

look slightly off-centre compared to the other one? Would I ever play piano again? “That looks like it’s going blue,” remarked Day-light Throbbery, in the exact tone of voice my mum uses when saying “this cardigan would look nice on you.”Through some miracle, and despite my impressive show of whimpering and holding an ice-pack to my thumb (which has made a miraculous recovery), I got accepted into the training programme – which means that I will now spend five hours a week learn-ing how to make someone fall on their face using only my right hip. I’m no sports-dodger by any means – I have two silver medals for fencing, which I let myself gloat about twice a year. But I’ve never, ever been part of a sport where I’ve leapt out of bed first thing in the morning just to do the exercises. I do those planks every single damn day. I accumulate hours in derby stance. I’ve only done it for a few weeks and already I feel more disciplined and more dedicated than I’ve ever felt in my life. I’ve even started doing pilates, for god’s sake. Do yourself a favour – buy a crappy pair of roller-skates and some all-important pads and get thee to your local fresh meat trials. Or, failing that, go and see a bout – and bring a spare pair of knickers.

Photograph byRichard Hansonwww.hansonimages.net