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More fun on the Islandof I l legal Signage. 3

Advice fromUncle Esel

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DiversionsKaraoke, trivia, pool tourneys, and the like.

The County'sMost Wanted

Look Mommy!Daddy's in the paper!

InterviewTripp: Par t Two!

7 Due ProcessZapata’s case against the City star ts i t’s glacial progress.

14

8Citizen SoundcheckThe ONLY guide of i ts kind for

the NB/SM Metroplex!

6LineCrushers! Week Three Results!

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Island Squattin’As you probably know, we’ve

been trying to track down

something, anything, that

could possibly prove that the

residents of Comal County

Water Recreation District #1 (the

Landa Park Estates neighborhood)

have the right to declare the headwaters of

the Comal River private property. When we

last mentioned it in this column, we were

searching for the deed to The Island, which

the folks who have posted all of the “Private

Property” signage believe they actually own.

So far, it’s not looking good for them.

First, we went down to the County

Clerk’s office to find the deed for 1170

Booneville Ave, New Braunfels, TX, 78130,

for which there was none. We thought that

odd for a piece of private property, so we

asked for help from County employees. They

couldn’t find it either. Important: Keep in

mind that although The Island somehow got

an address assigned to it somewhere along

the line, it does not have, and never has had,

a lot number. Never ever.

We then put in an open records request

with the County for the deed, and thought we

might have been onto something when we got

this response, via the electronic mail, from the

District Attorney’s office:

“After much effort on their part, the

County Clerk’s office has located a deed which

they believe is responsive to your request. This

deed is located in Book 62, Pages 459-464 of

the Official Records of Comal County, Texas,

and should be obtained directly from the

County Clerk’s office. ”

JACKPOT! Actually, no. We went down

and pulled the document, and it turns out to be

the original deed wherin Harry Landa sold the

land, in specific lots, to the Landa Park Estates

Sales Co. There is a plat mapping out the lots

along with the deed, and once again, The

Island has no lot number.

The upshot: Still no deed for The Island, and nothing in any of the paperwork giving anybody the right to prohibit access to the river. And remember, the disposable container ban does not apply up there, in case you needed a reason to visit what is arguably the most beautiful part of town.

If you’ve been out to Landa Park Estates, you may have noticed that there are some signs out there that look like this:

What you may not know is that signs like that are not legally enforceable unless they were placed there under an ordinance. As it turns out, those signs are City produced, but posted simply at someone’s whim, and not per ordinance. You know, more of a favor type thing for well-connected residents.

Continued on next page.

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Continued from previous page.

In the interest of getting the facts straight,

we totally asked the City for “Copies of the

ordinances that allowed the placement of

the signs that read ‘No Public River Access’

that are mounted to the barricades at the

dead ends of Elizabeth Ave, Booneville Ave,

Mulberry Ave, N Liberty Ave, N Union Ave,

and N Houston Ave.”

We were told, by the City, that they “…

cannot locate an ordinance relating to the

‘No Public River Access’ signs you referred to.

Therefore there are no documents responsive

to your request.”

Bottom line: If there’s no ordinance, the

sign doesn’t legally exist. It is to be ignored.

The police might give you a “warning” for

disregarding the pretend sign, but they cannot

give you a real, honest-to-goodness citation.

And they sure as heck can’t arrest you for

considering those signs invisible. I mean, they

can, but it won’t hold up in court.

It seems like the closer we look at The

Island and the waters around it, the less private

they become. In fact, they’re appearing more

public every day.

Hey, you know those bridges and

buildings and concrete walls the folks out there

built on The (environmentally sensitive) Island?

We asked about those too.

According to Comal County Water

Recreation District #1’s 1993 financial

statement, those “fixed assets” were valued

at about $65,000. We requested “Copies of

any and all building permits, applied for and/

or granted, for the property located at 1170

Booneville Ave, New Braunfels, TX 78130.

This is to include any and all building permits

applied for and/or granted to the ‘Comal

County Water Recreation District #1’” from

1933 to present.

Wouldn’t you just know it? Per City

Secretary Patrick “Stonewall” Aten, “The

City has no documents responsive to your

request.” Which is funny, because they

have building permits on file for any-and-

everything anyone else has built in this

town. It seems to us that if indeed those

structures were built without permits, that

they are likely an immediate danger to not

only the families that use them, but also the

darter fish and the riffle beetle, which frolic

in the headwaters.

Clearly, The Island should be closed at

once and stay that way until a full inspection

can be conducted, all construction be

brought up to code, and all permits properly

applied and paid for. After all, we’re talking

about the lives and well-being of children

here. And the environment.

\m/

Mike Reynolds

Publisher/Editor-in-Chief


AROUND & ABOUT Last Thursday, the Perky Peacock, along with the Phoenix Saloon, hosted the �rst annual Paws ‘N Bras fashion show and auction, bene�ting New Braunfels Puppy Playland! The event featured local girls modeling Perky Peacock fashions in various states of undress, and fully-clothed auctioneer Mike Reynolds of the TX Citizen awarding dozens of donated items and experiences to winning bidders throughout the night. All in all, the event brought in just over $5,000 toward the construction of our �rst and only off-leash dog park, right here in New Braunfels.


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Drug Lab Drops BallLast week, the Community Supervision and Corrections Department sent out a letter to more than 500 probationers and former probationers stating that a drug lab employee had made an error, leading to a false positive in one case.

The letter from the department, which covers Comal, Caldwell and Hays counties, said that 563 samples were retested and “reconfirmed” as positive. However, those who have received the letter can have their cases reviewed.

CSCD Deputy Director Eddie Lozoya said the company, One Source Toxicology, said it was human error and that the employee who made the error has been fired. The company is also investigating the incident and the lab’s procedures. One Source Toxicology is based in Pasadena, Texas, and is partnered with the University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston.

“We sent out the letter because we wanted to give transparency,” said Eric Aquirre, the department’s supervisor.

Those wishing to have their cases reviewed further, can contact Lozoya or Aquirre at 830-221-1160.

Zapata vs. New BraunfelsFormer City Councilman Richard Zapata continued to press for former City Manager Michael Morrison’s emails, facing the City of New Braunfels in court Tuesday. The case was argued before Visiting Judge Dan Beck, of La Grange.

Zapata first asked for Morrison’s emails in the summer of 2012. Morrison then denied his request, suggesting Zapata take the motion to council. Zapata did so in August 2012, only to be rebuffed when no other councilmember would second his motion. Morrison was terminated soon after.

Zapata filed a suit for the emails in April, while still a member of the council.

The City is arguing that Zapata has no standing for his suit because he is no longer a member of the Council, and should have to file his request through the Freedom of Information Act. The City’s legal team, led by Assistant City Attorney Frank Onion, maintained that since Zapata’s motion fell in City Council, it’s a dead legislative issue so he has no standing for suit nor a right to the emails.

Jamie Rose, Zapata’s attorney, argued that the City set up roadblocks to Zapata, including writing into the charter that all requests for public information must go through the City Attorney.

Rose states that the charter rule conflicts with Texas state law and, in such cases, local laws “cannot contravene state law.”

Onion retorted that the charter rule was put in place to keep someone from the public demanding all City records, prompting Judge Beck to ask if the city was saying that “no request would be honored?” Onion responded that such requests would, as long as they followed proper FOIA guidelines.

Rose pointed out that since Zapata made the request and filed suit while a sitting member of the City Council, he had an inherent right to the documents. She also noted that Zapata is requesting emails Morrison made only during her client’s term in office. As such, Zapata shouldn’t have to file an FOIA request or pay for the requested documents, she said. Beck asked would Zapata, as a councilman, have to pay for such documents? Onion conceded that he would not.

Beck said that while he “personally believes in full transparency,” he has to follow the law. The judge then told both sides to confer and see what they could agree to. If the City provides any documents, Beck noted, Zapata could make further arguments if he feels there are missing documents he has a right to. While Rose said they would be happy to start off with whatever documents the city could provide, Onion pointed out that no documents could be released that concerned current or future litigation.

Onion and Assistant City Attorney Jessica Richard said that it would take some time to go through the emails, which would be thousands over a 5-year span. However, knowing of Zapata’s pending litigation since April, why the city has not already gone through the emails remains unanswered. An attempt to reach Onion on Tuesday was unsuccessful.

When asked what he hopes to find in the emails, Zapata said that he wanted “to know how the city was being operated.” The former councilman said that there was a great deal of “derision” and “gridlock” in the City government and he, as a Councilman and member of the public, had the right to find out what was going on in the “nuts and bolts” of City management.

Tuesday’s hearing brought no firm agreement or decision, other than Zapata can obtain whatever documents he has a right to as a member of the public.

Haggling between the two sides is expected to continue.

Nick Rogers covers courts and crime for the TX Citizen.

Due ProcessWITH NICK ROGERS

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Thu 9.26Adobe Verde

Blake Powers6pm

Black Whale PubTBA9pm

Comal County FairSpazmaticsw/ Dysfunkshun Junkshun7:30pm, $15

Dirty’s Bar & QSteven Roloff8pm

Oma Gruene’s Secret GartenKing Mercy & the Kwire6pm

Phoenix SaloonAdam Johnson5pm

Riley’s TavernJeremy Steding9pm

AJ’s Ale HouseRock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show9pm

Billy’s Ice HouseStoneFace Cowboys8pm

Cheatham Street WarehouseAl Barlow & Kent Finlay9pm

Freiheit Country StoreOpen Mic w/ Fallon Franklin6pm

Gruene HallChubby Knuckle Choir6pm

The Pour HausKurt Grein Band7pm

River Road Ice HouseWhiskey Rodeo7pm

Tavern in the GrueneSour Bridges8pm

Uptown Piano BarAshley Stone8pm

Fri 9.27Adobe Verde

The Knowhow6:30pm

Comal County FairLocal High School Bands1pm-4pmJason Allen8pm, $5

Dirty’s Bar & QThe Groovehounds8pm

The Happy CowSlim Bawb8pm

Phoenix SaloonBroseph5pmDJ B.read9pm

Riley’s TavernGhosts of Dixie & The Organics9pm


Billy’s Ice HouseThe Hillbilly Jug Band8pm

Cheatham Street WarehouseWilliam Clark Greenw/ John David Kent9pm

Gruene HallHal Ketchumw/ Jamie Wilson & Kelley Mickwee8pm, SOLD OUT

The Pour HausBicycle Jones5pmFlywood9pm

River Road Ice HouseBo Brumble7pm

Tavern in the GrueneBuster Jiggs8pm, $3

Uptown Piano BarBarry Adams8pm

Vineyard at GrueneYeseria Duo7pm

Vino en VerdeBeau Daniels Band8pm

Sat 9.28Adobe Verde

Bru Erdman6:30pm

Black Whale PubTBA9pm

Comal County FairGary Glen & the 20X Band9pm, $5

The Happy CowTBA7:30pm

Oma Gruene’s Secret GartenRusty Cofield1pmThe Texas Terraplanes6pm

Phoenix SaloonThe Georges9pm

Riley’s TavernJoel Hofmann Band9pm


Billy’s Ice HouseCourt Nance 8pm

Cheatham Street WarehouseAdam Johnson Band9pm

Gruene HallFlat Top Jones1pmSean McConnelw/ Lucas Jack9pm, $12

The Pour HausEmpty Handed Vagabonds5pmWhiskey Rodeo9pm

River Road Ice HouseBlacktop Gypsy7pm

Tavern in the GrueneMidnight River Choir9pm, $5

Uptown Piano BarJohn Maclean8pm

Vineyard at GrueneWes Nickson7pm

Vino en VerdeKennCentric with Ashley9pm

Sun 9.29Adobe Verde

Allan Goodman6pm

Comal County FairJeremy Richards Band6pm

Oma Gruene’s Secret GartenThe Chris Ruest Band2pm

Phoenix SaloonJames Pardo2pmDeadman7pm

Billy’s Ice HouseCanyon Lake Animal Shelter BenefitAaron Stephens, Kyle Reed, Austin Gilliam, Allan Goodman,Tony Taylor, The Groovehounds, StoneFace Cowboys,The Hillbilly Jug Band 3pm

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Red Cross BenefitTaylor Baker, Dry River Religion, Blue Water Hwy,Matt Begley, Hudson Moore, Interstate4pm

Geronimo VFW 8456Sunday DanceCharles & the Fabulous Four Band3pm

Gruene HallSlim Bawb12:30pmSeth Walker5pm

The Pour HausBo Brumble6pm

Tavern in the GrueneWhiskey Rodeo8pm

Mon 9.30Riley’s Tavern

Songwriter Showcasew/ John Whipple

Billy’s Ice HouseWes Nickson8pm

Cheatham Street WarehouseJordan Minor9pm

Gruene HallAaron Einhouse6pm

River Road Ice HouseEmpty Handed Vagabonds7pm

Tavern in the GrueneCourt Nance & Friends8pm

Tues 10.1Watering Hole Saloon

KennCentric Power trio8:30pm

Billy’s Ice HouseSteven Roloff, Kyle Reed

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Cheatham Street WarehouseBlue Water Hwy

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Gruene Cricket PubOpen Mic w/ Austin

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The Pour HausOpen Mic w/ Jon Magill

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River Road Ice HouseScott Morgan

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Tavern in the GrueneRoots & Branches of Americana

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Watering Hole SaloonKorey & Dana

8:30pm

Billy’s Ice HouseAaron Stephens

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Cheatham Street WarehouseKent Finlay’s Songwriters Circle

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Gruene HallThe Georges

6pm

Uptown Piano BarJohn Maclean

8pm

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Happy CowKaraokeThursday Nights, 8pm

Pool TournamentMonday Nights, 8pm

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Phoenix SaloonKaraokeThursday Nights

Prickly Pear LoungeKaraokeThursdays, Saturdays

DJ KCFridays

The Watering Hole SaloonKaraokeThursdays

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Tripp’s Ultimate Comedy Club Karaoke Wednesday Nights

Open MicSundays

diversions


Dear Esel, Are tattoo parlors crime riddled

like the Oak Run people seemed to insinuate recently?

A.J.

Dear A.J.,Those residents must be uninformed snobs.

Near their precious homes are a pharmacy, a huge grocery store, a liquor store, and a bank that had an embezzlement. But most notable, is a Whataburger.

If you pull the records for crimes committed at all the tattoo shops in town and Whataburger, guess what you will find? Yep. Whataburgers attract more crime than any tattoo shop. Heck, we wonder if maybe that’s where all those missing prostitutes that the former County Judge kept mentioning are hiding at. Seems like no one else has seen them. Hmm… no one else has seen them…

Love, K

Dear Uncle Esel,The New Braunfels Herald-Zeitung

(of Houston ownership fame) wrote about the disparity of hiring minority teachers at NBISD, I’m hearing they were wrong. What are the real numbers of minority teachers at NBISD?

Thank YouA resident

Dear A,I had someone dig up that story because

Mrs. Esel had already changed the cat litter a few times since it came out so I no longer had the article. I see they stated there were 24.4% Hispanics and 9.2% African-Americans employed as teachers in 2011-2012 per the Academic Excellence Indicator System reports. This was compared to a 45.5% Hispanic and 1.8% African-American student population.

As I’ve pointed out just last week, they don’t have the sharpest (or even longest) pencils in the press pool over at the HZ, or at a minimum, they’ve been fed bad information and forgot to actually look at the report. Uncle Esel looked at the exact same report and found these actual numbers for teachers at NBISD in 2011-2012

African-American 4 teachers 0.9%Hispanic 78.5 teachers 17.3% White 362.2 teachers. 80.0%

Compare this to the student body for all of

NBISD which shows on the same report to be

1.8% African-American and 45.5% Hispanic

(hey, the HZ got this part right) and you see

quickly that the academic staff is not exactly

representative of the district populace.

Uncle Esel decided to peek in to Comal

ISD and using the same Texas Education

Agency reports, found CISD was no better

with African-American teachers making up

0.7% of the teacher ranks compared to 2.2%

for students. Hispanic teachers were at 12.9%

compared to 35.8% Hispanic students. Both

schools of course consider themselves to be

EEOC compliant.

Other area schools like Schertz showed

similar disparities, but as a whole, the state

numbers more closely matched minority

teacher to minority student body rates. Uncle

Esel is curious if officials from NBISD saw these

incorrect numbers and made any attempt to

get a correction?

Love, K

Uncle Esel,

Rain, rain, rain. Drought over?

Johnny

Dear Johnny,

No, no, no. Welcome as it was, the

recent rains have not lessened our plight. The

big springs are still dry and the Comal River

is still flowing at a measly 127 cubic feet

per second compared to a normal flow near

300 cfs. Only continued rain through next

summer, of the type we have had recently

,will actually be enough for us to start

talking about leaving the drought behind

us, but another drought will just be around

the corner. Of course if we continue to have

those kind of rains, Walnut could end up

delayed until Thanksgiving, 2014.

Love, K

Uncle K. Esel is a lifetime resident of our fair city, and is well known for his sage advice on a wide range of topics. If you find yourself perplexed with no one to turn to, send your question to Uncle Esel at: [email protected]. Be sure to write “Question for Uncle Esel” in the subject line of your email.

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COMAL COUNTY ’S

COREY,KITTY MARIEFemale • 5’06” • 150 lbsDOB: 01/21/1982CHARGE: Motion to adjudicate for possession of a controlled substance, bail jumping and fail to appear

GARRISON,DONALD WAYNEMale • 5’11” • 155 lbsDOB: 02/27/1949CHARGE: Failure to appear for driving while intoxicated 3rd or more

PATTON,BRYSON NEALMale • 6’01” • 150 lbsDOB: 07/23/1992CHARGE: Failure to appear/show cause for aggravated assault with deadly weapon, burglary of habitation

SANDERSON,NICKELAS CROSSMale • 6’02” • 190 lbsDOB: 01/09/1989CHARGE: Failure to appear

The names listed have been released in accordance with the Texas Public Information Act Code 552.001 st.seq.annotated Public Record and Information disclosure statues.This is a true and accurate account as of Monday, September 9, 2013 at 9:30 am and may not be current by the time it is read. Do not try to apprehend anyone. For anonymous tips and rewards, please contact Crime Stoppers at: 24-Hour Phone number 830.620.3400; Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm 830.620.3411. These are listings of criminal warrants with the Sheriff’s Office and are not indicative of guilt or innocence. Officers are to verify the status of each warrant prior to making an arrest. Any person is innocent of wrongdoing unless proven guilty in a court of law.

FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO THE ARRESTOF COMAL COUNTY’S MOST WANTED. Callers will remain anonymous. 830.620.3400 - 24-Hour830.620.3411 - Mon-Fri 8am-5pm

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A few weeks back, we interviewed Tripp Marsalis of Tripp’s Ultimate Comedy Club in downtown New Braunfels. Due to space limitations, we were unable to print some of the “gold” Tripp laid on us at the time, so we’re catching up here.

TX Citizen: Our publisher moved here because he visited Schlitterbahn back in 2002. How did you discover New Braunfels?

Tripp Marsalis: I always wanted to be in New Braunfels. Back in the day, like ’87 all the way to like ’92, you didn’t have to ask what people were doing on a Sunday. Every Sunday was like Spring Break in Comal Park. People selling weed on skateboards and bikinis and it was just great, it was insane, and I loved it. I always said I wanted to move up here. Then the opportunity hit. We came looking for a house, and saw an old guy putting a sign in his yard. It’s an old house, but I’m close to the water. I bought the lot next to me and fenced it in.

TXC: How are you digging the town now that you’re a little older?

Tripp: I love New Braunfels. It’s cool. It’s a neat little town. During the day it’s great, there’s all kinds of stuff to do. But at night, we found it tough to find anything for my age group to go do. I was always over dressed. Everywhere I went, it was a bunch of kids looking at me like someone’s dad just walked in. So I started looking all around here, and couldn’t find anything that was really right, and this place just fell in my lap.

TXC: For our readers that might be aspiring to get behind the mic, tell us what you’re looking for in the talent you book.

Tripp: Somebody original. Aggressive. Risky, a risk taker. Someone not stuck on the generic topics. Animated. Clever. Passionate. If you’re worried about the money more than the crowd, you’re not my kind of comic. Club owners and comics know all the jokes. A joke has 27 frames, big deal. You can read a joke book and predict the punch line. What can you do with those 27 frames? How original can you be?

I need polished, and need someone who loves what they’re doing. It’s got to be personal.

I don’t care if you’re real dirty, but it needs to be clever-dirty. Be original. You can tell the ones that are doing it because they can and the ones that are doing it because they love it. I like the ones that love it. I try to avoid the one’s trying to skip steps. I’m getting the guys that have paid their dues, put 80,000 miles on their car. Those are the ones that are working it.

As far as the young guys go, a lot of clubs just do an open mic. You come in, get three or four minutes, there’s 27 dudes up there, and maybe eight of them are worth spending time with. I invite these guys to come out here, because I love it, I’m probably the only owner who sits down and tries to coach them. It’s like watching a game film. We sit down and talk about it. “You’re talking too fast. The mic’s too close to your mouth. Get your hands out of your pockets. Lean forward, quit leaning back. You got intimidated.”

There’s so many little things besides telling jokes and writing your material that make you a pro. I spend time with the guys. If I see potential in you, I will try and get you there. Start off, I’ll give you seven minutes. If you don’t have seven, I’ll get you there. Seven turns to 10, 10 turns into 15, and then you get work. If you have 15 and it’s good, I’ll make a phone call for you and put you out there.

I’m one of the few clubs that actually take an interest in the development, as well as not hiring some booking agent to put my shows together. I want to know who’s coming in. I want to know the chemistry before they get here. I won’t book anybody without watching them. I put together a quality product. So far, I’ve hit a homerun every single weekend. I’m proud of that. If I’m not going to be up there killing them, I’m going to bring in guys that I know will. But if goes bad, don’t think I can’t grab that mic and go up there and kill them myself, because I can.

Tripp’s bar is open Tuesday through Sunday, with live shows every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night at 8:30, and a free open mic every Sunday night, where you can see tomorrow’s headliners hone their skills. Check Tripp’s out at facebook.com/TrippsUltimateComedyClub!

The TX Citizen Interview: Tripp

Marsalisof Tripp’s Ultimate Comedy

Club

TXCITIZEN.COM 15

Last WordWith Kelly Colby

On the Dumbness of CrowdsI’ve written before about my belief in the “wisdom of crowds”, that groups of people (particularly very large groups) are more likely to make good decisions than individuals. This is because a larger group draws on a greater pool of information than a smaller one: it’s why the stock market works. This belief is one that often puts me at odds with my individualism loving friends; it even rubs me the wrong way at times. I was taught from a very early age that I should depend on my own good judgment and not just follow the crowd.

That lesson, like so many others in my life, came from my dad (who left us a little less than a year ago). I thought that this week I would offer the counterpoint to “the wisdom of crowds” and tell you the story of how my father taught me this lesson.

My family has always had an affinity for camping. Though I grew up in Southern California, both of my parents grew up in rural northern New England, and I think that because of this they sought out ways to introduce my brothers and me to the wonders of the great outdoors. As a family we took almost any opportunity to get away from the city to go hiking, or fishing, or just to sit amongst the trees. One year, our family made a camping trip to Yosemite National Park, and I learned that sometimes groups of people, even well-intentioned ones, can make very foolish decisions.

My family, along with one family friend, arrived at the park, and things started quite normally. Our family camper, an old diaper truck that had been converted, was parked in our space, and while my mother went about making the campsite homey and fussing over my infant brother, my father set things up for an early supper, getting the briquettes going and pulling out the frozen hamburgers to thaw. My older brother, Lenny, and I got our fishing poles and headed out to the nearest stream in hopes of catching a trout or two for tomorrow’s breakfast.

Neither of us were anywhere near the fisherman my father was, but he had taught us enough that our odds were pretty good even though we had decided on marshmallows for bait. (One of my friend’s fathers had always razzed me about trout fishing saying, “Trout are dumb, they’ll eat anything.” Though I had always done my best to defend my sport fish of choice, I must admit here that he was right, of course. Not that he had any room to talk. He fished for bass, and they’re so aggressive that they’ll bite anything that crosses their path, food or not.)

When we got to the stream, perhaps a quarter-mile from the campsite, Lenny

immediately sat down and began fishing. At eight years of age I was less of a fisherman and split my time between dropping my line in the water and eating the bait. In almost no time at all, the bait was nearly gone.

“You idiot, you’re eating all the marshmallows. Go back to camp and bring some worms back,” Lenny said, hoping I wouldn’t eat worms.

By way of reply, I dropped my pole into the pool in front of us, spoiling the fishing, and grabbed what was left of the marshmallows before I made my way back to camp. I was a bratty little-brother.

I walked the path along the stream on the way back, holding the marshmallows in one grubby hand, munching them occasionally. At one point the stream crossed a cliff face. This where I intended to cross, but this time my way was blocked by a large group of campers.

My back to the cliff face, I stared at the campers, and they stared back. They’re eyes were almost universally wide and many were shouting, gesticulating wildly, and beating pots and pans. I was perplexed by the commotion. Could I really be the cause of so much excitement? I began to get a bad feeling about the whole situation and decided that I needed to look behind me.

When I turned, I saw a huge black bear, at least fifteen feet tall to an eight year old, standing on its hind legs and looking at me like a blue plate special.

The bear roared. I screamed. The campers hooted and beat their pots and pans.

I don’t know how long I stood there, frozen in place, muscles tightened, but it couldn’t have been very long. Before I knew what was happening, my brain had chosen flight over fight, and I found myself bolting across the stream and through the assembled campers. The campers scattered in my wake, less because of my speed than because I had an angry, hungry bear in tow.

I looked back only once and saw that the bear was following. Turning my head back around, I poured on the speed like I was in a cartoon. I can imagine a little dust cloud sprouting up from the point where I further accelerated.

By the time I reached the campsite, the bear was no longer following. (Bears at Yosemite have an easy time stealing food from campsites, and I can only assume that I was far more trouble than my boney eight-year-old body was worth.)

I ran to my father, crying and babbling, marshmallows oozing from between my clenched fingers. He was the only one still at the campsite, as my mother and our family friend had taken my baby brother for a walk

around the campground. My father had little luck getting anything intelligible out of me, but within minutes, my mother, both brothers and the family friend were back screaming about a bear that had invaded the campground.

Seeing the bear in the distance, followed by the troupe of pot and pan banging campers, my father sprung into action.

“Get into the van and lock the door!” He screamed as he closed up the cooler and slid it under the van.

We all followed his instructions immediately, and two seconds later he was at the door of the van, pounding wildly and cursing liberally. Apparently he wanted to be in the van too. Within minutes the bear had entered our campsite and we had the best seats in the house as we peered out the back window of the camper timorously.

The bear made a beeline for the frozen hamburgers by the grill. It sniffed only once before engulfing the dozen or so burgers in its jaws. “Ptock”. Off came a slab of six burgers with no more effort than one would open a chilled beer.

The bear took the burgers to a nearby rock, sat down there and, after breaking one off the stack, lapped at it like a Popsicle. The clamorous campers fell upon him with their shouts and noisy culinary equipment. The bear stared them down as it finished its meal, unbothered. Dinner and a show.

When the bear finished, it left at a leisurely pace. Many of the campers continued to follow, hoping to scare it off (or perhaps bore it to death), but some lagged behind as my family exited our hiding space.

One particularly self-satisfied camper confronted my father, “Don’t you know better than to be cooking when there are bears around?”

I could see my father’s eyes spark and his nostrils flare. For a moment I thought that he might hit the man. Instead, a palpable calm came over him and he said in a cool didactic tone, “You’ll notice that my family and I were safe in the van while the bear ate his lunch, not pestering him. The bear can have my burgers if he wants; he can come back and have the rest if he likes; if that’s not enough, I’ll be happy to go to the store and get him more. Be sure, though, that I’m not fool enough to get between a bear and his food.”

As the camper shrugged and walked off, I knew everything I needed to know about following the crowd, and I smiled proudly at my dad.

You can read more from Kelly Colby at yourfirstshrug.blogspot.com.

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