under the tuscan sun script

1

Under The Tuscan Sun

Script

[ Applause ]

Before I start signing these,

I need to thank somebody

who's here tonight.

When I had her at State --

That didn't sound right.

I never had her.

I wanted her, but never had her.

What I meant was

when I took her class.

I had the worst case

of writer's block in the world.

All I had were terrible ideas.

I hated them all.

I was just about

to drop the class

when she said something to me

that changed everything.

She said, "Terrible ideas

are like playground scapegoats.

Given the right encouragement,

they grow up to be geniuses."

She told me to take one,

and work on it.

Well, I did.

Frances Mayes,

who loves terrible ideas,

may I please French kiss

you now?

MAN :

Go for it, Willie boy!

Married, William.

Sorry.

Proud of me?

Ridiculously.

Frances, these are amazing.

What did you do?

Chocolate is timing, my friend.

-The rest is magic.

-Hey, Professor.

2

-Where is the wine?

-Over there.

Tom is one lucky bastard.

A literary wife

who makes brownies.

I swear, if you tell me

you cook in the nude,

I'll go home and kill myself.

Never in the nude.

Always in a thong.

Actually, if you knew Frances,

you'd know these are avoidance.

Thanks.

-How's the novel going?

-Not so well.

But the procrastination

is coming along fabulously.

Soon it will breed

abject self-loathing,

and then I'll just become

a writing machine.

What about Tom?

How's his book going?

Fine.

He's home writing right now.

You know Tom?

I met him recently,

sort of by coincidence.

The other coincidence is that

you reviewed a book of mine.

I did?

Did I like it?

You didn't.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm sure there were a lot

of other critics who loved it.

And I really hope

you didn't take it personally.

You called my lead character

"unrealistic."

I think bad reviews

should just be forgotten.

3

Give him a brownie.

I would like to give you this.

It comes in peace.

You said you just couldn't

get interested in a novel

where the protagonist was a guy

who spent all of his time living

out his horny teenage fantasies.

I just find that ironic.

Ironic. Why?

Ask your husband.

What did he just say?

MAN :

Frances?

Frances?

I've got some

unfortunate news for you.

I just got off the phone

with your husband's attorney,

and they're going to

pursue alimony.

How can we be talking

about alimony

when I hardly make enough money?

But you supported him

during the marriage.

Yes.

But while he was researching

and writing his book,

I worked while

he pretended to be...

Unfortunately,

this is just about the math.

He was having an affair.

California's a no-fault state.

His attorney indicated

your husband

would prefer an alimony buy-out.

4

Since you two were living

rather modestly,

I don't think

the number should be too bad.

They're probably talking about

something like $ .

I don't have that money.

Unfortunately, you do.

The house?

lts value went through the roof

since you bought it.

And renovated it

with my mother's money.

Well, it's all

community property now.

So he gets

half the house and alimony.

There's leeway, and we'll make

all the arguments we can.

But there is a bargaining chip.

He wants the house.

-He wants to keep living there?

-Yeah.

And if you let him have it,

you could end up with

a lot of money in your pocket.

I understand he wants it

pretty badly.

I'm sorry.

This is so surreal.

How would he even find the money

to buy me out of my half?

Oh.

Oh.

Wow.

Apparently, she likes the place.

It's near the right schools.

Schools?

She's...

5

You're gonna get over this.

You will, Frances.

Someday,

you're gonna be happy again.

Right.

And the desk?

The desk goes.

No, the desk can stay.

-The couch?

-Yes, please.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Wait a minute.

No, the sofas can stay.


How about the chairs?

They stay, too.

Actually, everything's going

to stay except those boxes.

Those boxes

with the books in them.

If you don't mind.

You're sure?

Yeah.

The bedroom?

Nope.

-Kitchen?

-No.


So then we're done.

We're done.

You getting a divorce?

It shows?

These are furnished,

short-term apartments.

6

That's who we get.

Your neighbor in -B.

He's an attorney.

His divorce has been

dragging on for three years.

Nice guy.

Gives free legal advice

to the other tenants.

[ Man crying ]

If his crying gets on your

nerves, just bang on the wall.

-He'll stop.

-Sorry.

Guy above you is a doctor.

He hands out the sleeping pills.

-What do you do?

-I'm a writer.

So you can help the others

with their suicide notes.

Wow.

You're one of those

funny landlords.

Not really.

Well, here's your keys.

Have a good stay.

Thanks.

Home.

PATTI :

Ta-da!

You start a marriage

with cake and champagne.

Finish it that way, too.

The beginning and the end

should be fun, fun, fun.

Too bad about those years

in the middle.

-Sorry.

-Make a wish.

Things got crazy

at the hospital.

7

Hi. You made it

in time for the toast.

Bravo.

And it only took a year.

-To freedom.

-To freedom.

Thanks.

You're not drinking.

You're not drinking.

Fifth time was a charm.

Oh, my God !

Patti !

When are you due?

-May.

-May!

Oh, my God !

I'm going to be an auntie!

I'm going to be an auntie.

Yes.

It changes our plans a bit.

Well, of course.

We were about to take a -day

tour to romantic Tuscany.

But I don't want Patti flying.

Small sacrifice.

We decided to change

our coach tickets

into an upgraded ticket for you.

Oh.

This is amazing.

Really generous.

Thank you, but no.

How can you say no to Tuscany?

No.

Like that.

That's your depression speaking.

8

It doesn't speak Italian.

It speaks high-school French.

Besides,

I'm not depressed anymore.

Then what are you still doing

living with those losers?

-Those are my people.

-That's not a place you live.

Guys, come on.

Thank you so much.

But there is no way I can go

on a romantic tour of Tuscany.

-I'm not ready to meet anyone.

-You won't.

-We can assure you.

-Oh?

It's a gay tour

of romantic Tuscany.

So it would be

very relaxing for you.

You know, mostly couples.

No one would be there

to hit on you.

And you could concentrate and

listen to your own inner voice.

My inner voice?

My inner voice

that would be saying,

"What am I doing

on a gay tour of Tuscany?"

Frances, it's Italy!

Italy.

Plus, you could use it

as a time to start writing.

Well, I'm busy. I have to

review all those books.

Instead of working

on your own book.

Wow.

Are you being mean

or just hormonal?

[ Buzzer ]

9

Okay. Don't kill each other

until I get back.

Can we please just talk

about the baby?

I think you're in danger.

Of?

Of never recovering.

You know when you come across

one of those empty-shell people?

And you think,

"What the hell happened to you?"

Well, there came a time

in each one of those lives

where they were at a crossroads.

Crossroads.

God, that is so "Oprah."

Someplace where they had to

decide to turn left or right.

This is no time to be

a chickenshit, Frances.

I'm not being a chickenshit.

I'm not.

Okay, promise me

you'll think about it.

I'll think about it.

Okay.

MAN :

I got a feeling about you.

-Are you looking for a place?

-Yeah, I guess.

-You getting a divorce?

-What?

We got short-term apartments.

But don't worry.

Some stay for years.

We got a writer.

We got a doctor.

The doctor could help you

straighten out your life.

[ Man crying ]

10

Hey!

Sorry.

It's okay.

-Do you want to come over?

-No!

[ Crying ]

Maybe later.

Maybe later.

Oh !

Hello?

Patti, when do I leave?

Hi, I'm David.

This is your driver, Eduardo.

And you are "Gay & Away"!

And welcome to your first day

of a romantic tour of Tuscany.

Now, I saw most of you getting

to know each other on the plane.

But I wanted to make sure

you've all met Frances.

WOMAN :

Hey, Frances.

-Now, Frances is straight.

-Oh, poor girl.

And she just survived

a terrible divorce.

And according to her friend

Patti, she needs our support.

So, Frances, why don't you stand

up, and let everyone say hello?

No.

Come on.

Hi !

You're the bachelor, Frances.

Have some fun !

Okay, everyone,

follow the flower.

Good God, I cannot believe

it is raining.

11

Okay, everyone, we're here!

Yeah ! Okay!

Oops.

Sorry.

DAVID: You're empty.

You need a little more?

Whoo!

You want more wine?

-Little more vino?

-Excuse me.

-Can a black gal get a drink?

-Yes, she can.

Frances, little more?

Mm-hmm.

You've got to loosen up, honey.

We having a party!

Buongiorno.

[ Speaking Italian ]

Si.

-[ Speaking Italian ]

-What?


RODNE Y:

Pretty awesome, isn't it?

Yes, I think you could say that.

Pretty awesome.

God, how am I gonna get

through all of these?

I mean, how do you begin

to describe all of this?

If you have a pen,

I could write it for you.

Are you a good writer?

I used to be.

All right.

Well, have a go.

To my mom.

Dear Mom.

12

FRANCE S:

Dear Mom.

It's market day in Cortona.

The piazza is an ongoing party,

and everyone is invited.

Clichés converge

at this navel of the world.

You almost want to laugh,

but you can't help feeling

these Italians know more

about having fun than we do.

I eat a hot grape

from the market,

and the violet sweetness

breaks open in my mouth.

It even smells purple.

I wish I could stay longer, but

the bell reminds me of time.

"Ding-dang-dong, " the bell

says, instead of "ding-dong. "

-I wish you were here.

-Love...

Rodney.

Thanks.

"It even smells like purple"?

My mom will never believe

I wrote this.

Keep it.

"Ding-dang-dong goes the bell."

I'm sorry.

Bramasole.

"Bramasole."


It's a nice little villa.

Rather run-down, but redeemable.

Are you going to buy it?

No, no, no.

I'm just a tourist

here for the day.

13

So?

Well, who wouldn't want to buy

a villa in Tuscany?

But the way my life's been going

that would be a terrible idea.

A terrible idea.

Mm-hmm.

Don't you just love those?

Sorry, everybody.

Unscheduled stop.

Look at the sheep.

Oh, my gosh.

Stop the bus!

Stop the bus!

[ Knocking ]

Hello?

Hello?

Shit.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry.


Can I help you, signora?

Yes, I thought

the house was for sale.

Oh, no.

The house is for sale.

But, unfortunately,

someone's already buying it.

We like it very much,

and we'll buy it today.

Very good.

One moment please.

Excuse me.

They want it.

They agree on the price.

So soon?

Then we asked too little.

14

Ask for million lire more,

at least.

[ Bell ringing ]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm afraid that there has

been a change in the price.

It is now million lire

more expensive.

WOMAN : Why? It didn't get

more valuable in five minutes.

The contessa feels

she has asked too little

since you agreed to buy it.

MAN :

That logic is absurd.

Excuse me?

What is the price?

Are you bidding against us?

Wait.

We accept the new price.

No, this is a beautiful house.

And whoever wants it

has to pay double.

The contessa says that

since there is so much

interest in the house,

the price is now double.

Since the last seconds?

Normale.

You greedy Americans.

You think you're so entitled.

You ruin everything.

A lot of us feel

really badly about that.

We're going.

We'll look in Provence.

Fascists!

15

And her?

How much will she pay?

We'll see.

Is it really double the price?


I can't pay double the price.

But please tell the contessa

that this is what I got for

my house recently in dollars.


Minus the work on the place.

Hammers, buckets.

Men.

Chocolate.

And a rental car

to drive off a cliff

when this all turns out

to have been a terrible mistake.

That's what I can pay.

Signora.

You've not even seen the house.

Oh.

Well.

Well, I...

I can't go back

to San Francisco.

CONTESSA:

No.

No.

I'm sorry, signora.

The contessa's family lived here

for generations,

so understandably it is

very difficult for her to sell.

16

Money is not the only issue.

She needs --


A sign.

I understand.

I believe in signs, too.

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh !

-Oh.

-Oh.

Please.


What did she say?

In Italy, what happened to you

is a very good sign.

-It is?

-Yes.

And now...would you

like to see the house?

First, we open an account.

Then you transfer the money.

Here is the legal description.

"Two oxen, two days."

-I'm sorry.

-It's old-fashioned.

The land is measured by

how long it would take two oxen

to plow it.

Oh.

Oh, that makes sense.

Just like that?

Before the money's

been transferred?

It's a house, not a Vespa.

What are you going to do,

steal it?

Besides, Signor Martini

likes you.

Okay. We'll take care

of the rest later.

17

Normale.

Normale?

Normale.

Normale.

FRANCE S: I have bought a house

in a foreign country.

A house and the land it takes

two o xen two days to plow.

Not having a plow or an o x,

I'll have to take their word

on that.

Buyer's remorse is

a very common affliction

among new homeowners.

Just because you have

a sudden urge to weep,

that doesn't mean

you've made a mistake.

Everybody knows old houses

have their quirks.

Especially -year-old houses.

I have inherited

empty wine bottles, one grape,

every issue of "La Nazione"

printed in

and assorted previous tenants.

Ugh ! [ Screaming ]

[ Girl crying ]

The trick to overcoming buyer's

remorse is to have a plan.

Pick one room

and make it yours.

Go slowly through the house.

Be polite, introduce yourself,

so it can introduce itself

to you.

You did what?

18

Frances bought a house

in Tuscany!

And you're gonna

live there alone?

Well, I'm not there alone.

I'm there with bugs.

-How's the belly?

-It's growing.

I can't believe you did this.

Did you already sign?

Yes.

Why? What?

You think I shouldn't have?

Are you telling me

I made a mistake?

-I don't know. Did you?

-Well, I don't know.

You're the one who made

the "empty-shell person" speech.

Oh, yeah.

That was me.

Okay. Wow!

You bought a villa in Tuscany!

-So, what's the place like?

-It needs a little work.

-Well, who's gonna do it?

-I am.

You are?

I never realized

you were so handy.

I can do things.

Remember, I fixed that drain?

The drain in your kitchen?

No, that was me.

I handed you the rubber thingy.

The plunger?

That was Tom.

I can't believe it.

Why did you just say his name?

I'm sorry.

I forgot. I'm sorry.

I can make this work.

You know?

19

Of course I didn't mean I was

gonna do all the work myself.

I can hire the descendents

of Roman gods

to do the heavy lifting.

Then, just supervise,

tell them what to do.

So, have you met him yet?

-Who?

-The guy you're gonna meet.

Patti, please.

You know what?

It's starting to rain here

a little bit.

-So I think I have to go now.

-Wait, Fran.

I want you to kiss

the belly for me.

-Fran.

-Bye-bye.

[ Click, dial tone ]

Can you Star- Italy?

No.

I'm gonna try.

Hello?

[ Thunder crashes ]

Okay.

One

- -- Aah !

-[ Thunder crashes ]

Jesus!

[ Humming Tchaikovsky's

" Overture" ]

Okay.

[ Hinges squeaking,

wind whistling ]

Stop it.

20

-Stop it.

-[ Screeching ]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You're gonna be okay.

You're safe here.

Just don't fly around, okay?

You'll freak me out.

[ Cries ]

Oh, God.

Signora?

[ Knock on door ]

Signora Mayes?

Buongiorno.

I see you have survived

the storm.

I'm alive.

But the washing machine is dead.

Yes.

It was electrocuted.

I'm happy to see

that you were not.

You came to check on me?

You're meeting the contractors

today, and I came to help you.

I believe one of them is here.

Here?

Downstairs.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

He's here.

I was hoping to take

this wall down

and return these two small rooms

into one big room.

Oh, wonderful.

You should have been

21

an architect.

You have excellent taste.

So, do you think it can be done?

Hidden pipes, a week.

The bathrooms, days.

Signora, give me

the keys of this place,

and in one month, I will give

you the keys to your palace.

Just...

Just leave it to me.

[ Sighs, speaking Italian ]

Boom ! Boom ! Boom !

Oh.

Oh !

[ Speaks Italian ]

[ Thud ]


He says he fixed it himself

many years ago.

Really?

Oh. You want to see

the rest of the house?

Okay.

Yes, yes.


He suggest that

he rebuild the wall.


It is important for the

structure of the garden.


-He has a team of experts.

[ Whistles ]

Buongiorno.

22

Hello, miss.

We are not Italian.

We are from Polonia.

Poland. Oh.

Do you all speak English?

Only me.

And only a little.

I am Pawel.

Oh, Pawel.

Nice to meet you.

Buongiorno.

Jerzy.

Jerzy.

Hello.

Zbignew.

Zbignew.

Frances.

What do you think of Nino?

I know his mother.

If he does a bad job, he's...

Well, then.

Okay. Yes.

Okay. Yes.

Yes, yes.

Okay. Yes.

[ Grunting ]

See, Frances?

No problem.

Nino!

Oh, God !

[ Shouts in Italian ]

Run ! Oh !

Aah !

[ Wall crumbling ]

23

[ Silence ]

[ Wall crumbling ]

Okay. Yes.

[ Speaks Polish ]

Kurwa mac!

"Kurwa mac"

means "holy shit" in Polish.

I learned that that day.

The fact I'm trying to speak

Polish in Italy

is just one of the many

surprises around here.

Is he a licensed electrician?

No. He's a licensed

literature professor.

Oh.

Czeslaw Milosz.

I like him.

Czeslaw Milosz.

It is only natural getting to

know people should take time.

Every day I watch for

the old man with the flowers.

And I wonder, was he born here?

Did he love someone here?

Did he lose someone here?

He doesn't seem as curious

about me, but that's all right.

These days, I'm something

of a Ioner myself.

I'm pretty good

at staying entertained.

Mostly, I like to hang out

at a bar I know

conveniently located

in my backyard.

24

Fortunately, there are things

here you can't do alone.

It's my neighbor Placido who's

teaching me about olives.

Today is okay.

But never pick

when it's wet, huh?

Okay.

These look good.

Oh, my God.

-Papà!

-Si?

-I'm finished.

-Good. Gather up the net.

Okay.

-Chiara!

-Si?

Go and see

if Gianni needs some help.

Okay.

Go, go.

Ciao.

Oops!

Everything okay?

Si.

Grazie.

Francesca?

Are you busy tonight?

No.

Then come to dinner.

It's unhealthy to eat alone.

[ Crying ]

Stop it, Mom.

It's embarrassing.

-Is she okay?

-Of course. She's fine.

Mama, that's enough.

25

My granny's very sensitive.

She cries all day.

Are we celebrating

something in particular?

Gratitude to the saints

for saving us

from droughts, mad dogs,

and glandular disorders.

Good evening, everybody.

Sorry I'm late.

Katherine!

Hand me your hat.

Do you like it?

I suppose it wasn't a terrible

idea, buying a villa.

Are you up there all alone?

No lord and master, no consort?

No.

Do you have one?

One? Ha!

[ Grandmother speaks Italian ]

I knew this would happen.

Remember?

Don't blame me.

I told him not to get her

that computer.

She got an e-mail lover,

you see, from Ecuador.

Finally, she had to

tell him her age.

No mail !

You had it coming.

You're wrong.

I hurt in my heart.

Even though I'm old,

my heart still aches.

I'm so sorry.

-L'amore.

-Si.

[ Speaks Italian ]

26

Si.

-[ Speaks Italian ]

-Hmm?

[ Speaks Italian ]

Celibe?

Celibe.

Celibate?

-Celibate!

-Si.

No. I mean...

Well, actually, I have to admit

it has been a while.

"Celibe" in Italian

means "single."

He's not asking

when you last had sex.

He's asking whether or not

you're married.

Thank you.

No, I'm not.

-Everything all right, darling?

-Oh, terrific. I'm just eating.

He is.

Oh, my God.

-I feel like such an idiot.

-Don't.

Flirting's a ritual in Italy.

Just enjoy it.

Taste this.

It's gorgeous.

Mmm !

-How do you do it?

-Do what?

This.

Well, hats make me happy.

And ice cream.

Ice cream changed my fate.

27

It was because of ice cream

that my beloved Fefe

discovered me.

Fefe?

II Maestro.

Who?

Federico, darling.

Fellini?

He discovered me in the

Piazza Novena with my parents

eating an ice cream.

I was gobbling it down,

letting it run all over my chin

because I was hungry.

"Do you like ice cream?"

he asked me.

I didn't know who he was.

I was .

"You are my imagination

come to life," he told me.

He wasn't just a great director.

He gave great advice.

I'm listening.

Fefe said you have to live

spherically in many directions.

Never lose

your childish enthusiasm,

and things will come your way.

So now I was getting posthumous

advice from II Maestro,

and I tried to follow it

by pulling ivy,

spherically

and with childish enthusiasm.

Oh, my God.

Niente qui.

Niente.

Not here.

28

Did you look under the bed?

Could you look under the pillow?

Huh !

No.

It's a joke.

Maybe he moved out already.

Snakes are famous

for changing their minds.

What am I doing here

all by myself?

Don't you think it's strange?

Me in this big house?

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

You are cold, Signora Mayes.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Do you know the most surprising

thing about divorce?

It doesn't actually kill you,

like a bullet to the heart

or a head-on car wreck.

It should.

When someone you've promised to

cherish till death do you part

says, "I never loved you,"

it should kill you instantly.

You shouldn't have to wake up

day after day after that,

trying to understand how

in the world you didn't know.

The light just never went on,

you know.

I must have have known,

of course,

but I was too scared

to see the truth.

29

Then fear just makes you

so stupid.

No. It's not stupid,

Signora Mayes.

L'amore è cieco.

Oh, love is blind.

Yeah, we have that saying, too.

Everybody has that saying

because it's true everywhere.

I don't want to be blind

anymore.

This house has three bedrooms.

What if there's never anyone

to sleep in them?

And the kitchen, what if there's

never anyone to cook for?

I wake up in the night

thinking, "You idiot.

I mean, you're the stupidest

woman in the world.

You bought a house for a life

you don't even have."

Why did you do it, then?

Because I'm sick of being afraid

all the time

and because I still want things.

I want a wedding in this house,

and I want a family

in this house.

Signora,

between Austria and Italy,

there is a section of the Alps

called the Semmering.

It is an impossibly steep,

very high part of the mountains.

They built a train track

over these Alps

to connect Vienna and Venice.

They built these tracks before

there was a train in existence

that could make the trip.

They built it because they knew

30

someday the train would come.

I think your snake has gone

for the evening.

Yes.

I think you're right.

Signora.

Please stop being so sad.

If you continue like this,

I will be forced

to make love to you.

And I've never been unfaithful

to my wife.

Buonanotte, signora.

Yes.

Buonanotte, Signor Martini.

Grazie.

Prego.

A train track through the Alps

before there was a train.

Signor Martini wants me

to have faith.

Something I've never been good

at, and now I'm even worse at.

Not that I don't want faith.

I'm jealous of the believers.

But as a fallen-away Methodist,

I do not expect to emerge

from all of this a Catholic,

although I admit some

interior juggling is going on.

To my surprise, I have become

friendly with Mary.

It started the night she stood

by me through the storm,

knowing full well

I'm not a Catholic.

Yet, somehow, she seems more

like Mary, my favorite aunt,

than Santa Maria.

Aunt Mary is everywhere here,

her calm presence assuring us

31

that all things will go on

as they have before.

[ Singing "Adeste Fidelis" ]

Buon Natale.

Buon Natale.

This is my wife, Flora.

Oh !

And my daughter, Stella.

Stella, buon Natale.

Bellissima.

What a beautiful family.

Wow.

I thought I might see you,

so I have a gift for you.

It is San Lorenzo.

He is the patron saint of cooks.

Apparently, he was martyred on a

grill and seared until he said,

"Turn me over.

I'm done on this side."

No!

Yes. And now he is

the favorite saint of chefs.

Oh !

I think if you prayed to him,

he will help you find

someone to cook for.

Thank you, Signor Martini.

[ Laughs ]

Merry Christmas, Signora.

Buon Natale.


My prayers to San Lorenzo

were quickly answered.

32

I realized I already

had someone to cook for.

Plenty of someones.

-Bravo!

-Ahh !

-Bravo!

-Bravo!

Bravo!

Aah !

Aah !


-Good.

-See, Frances? Italian is easy.



No!

Aah ! Aah ! Aah !

Have you talked to her yet?

Si.

I have talked to her.

Why don't you go

sit next to her? Go on.

Okay.

Katherine!

Francesca!

Come up!

I'm having my portrait painted.

Katherine?

Come through.

I'm in here.

Oh.

-I'll come back another time.

-Why? You don't bother me.

Frances, this is Zeus.

33

He's an art student

from Macedonia.

He's staying with me while

he's studying the Tuscan light.

More vino, darling.

Hmm.

He's not bad.

He's not good, either.

Look, I'm going to go,

but I'll come back another time.

Oh, you're so boring !

What?

I said you're boring.

Look at you !

You're sad.

Again !

You're like a big black hole.

Excuse me, but I...

Fefe always said,

"Regrets are a waste of time.

They're the past crippling you

in the present."

I just walked in the door.

How are you ever going to be

happy if you keep wallowing?

Listen,

when I was a little girl,

I used to spend hours

looking for ladybugs.

Finally, I'd just give up

and fall asleep in the grass.

When I woke up,

they were crawling all over me.

So?

So go work on your house

and forget about it.

I said go!

34

I'm going !

Work on the house

and forget about it.

Gee, why hadn't

I thought of that?

There comes a time

in every remodeler's life

when one doesn't want

any more helpful advice.

There comes a time when you

no longer want shaky guys

staring at you thinking

God knows what,

whispering things in Polish

you're really glad

you don't understand.

[ Speaking Polish ]

There's only so much you can

take before there comes a time

when you just have to get out.


Signorina.

Bella!

Great.

Hilarious.

Goodbye!

[ Whistling ]

You are American?

English? Irish?

There you are.

I've been looking for you.

You said you were gonna meet me.

I've been looking for you

for minutes.

-Who are you?

-I'm sorry.

Mi scusi.

35

Thank you.

Wait. You just kissed me

and you're going?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

[ Whistling ]

You are too late.

I'm sorry?

I've already found

somebody else.

My loss.

I was wondering

if you'd help me.

I'm trying to find

an antique store

that sells replacement parts

for a chandelier.

Chandelier.

- Vetre-ria.

- Vetreria.

- Vetreria, yes.

-Okay.

Via di La Casanova.

Ah, Via di La Casanova.

-Si.

-You know it?

No.

Oh.

But I know where there is

another store.

-My cousin owns one.

-Your cousin owns a vetreria?

Yes. Antiques.

Is it far?

About three hours.

36

Two if I drive fast.

Two hours?

Okay. One if I drive really,

really, really fast.

That's very nice, but thank you.

No.

I know you think maybe I'm

just trying to pull you up.

Pull me up?

Pick me up.

Pick me up.

Yes.

There is that chance.

But you are the one who grabbed

me and pretend I'm your husband.

You're probably one of those

crazy American women

like "Charlie's Angels,"

and you are going to kung-fu me

and steal my car.

But I'm willing to take

the chance.

You're willing?

What is your name?

Marcello.

Of course it is.

[ Horn honks,

man shouting in Italian ]


Do traffic lights mean anything?

Sure.

Green light.

Avanti, avanti.

-Avanti.

-Yellow light. Decoration.

And what about red lights?

Just a suggestion.

37

Marcello. You're crazy.

Thanks a lot.

He doesn't have it.

Why am I not surprised?

-Uncle, I want an ice cream.

-You want an ice cream?

-How many have you had today?

-Two.

Only two? Then get another one.

Give me a kiss first.

Maria, get her an ice cream.

Nice and big.

This is your bar?

We are a family.

I work here.

And I sleep there.

Above my cousin's antique store.


Did you ever taste this?

-What is that?

-It's limoncello.

We made this.

-You made it?

-Yeah.

We take the lemon, and we take

off the skin of the lemon,

and then we put in the bottle

with / of alcohol

and / of sugar.

Mm-hmm.

And you put the skin

of the lemon in the bottle,

and you leave it

until it's dried color.

And I forget the rest.

But just try it.

-Do you like it?

-I like it.

38

You got your ice cream.

Bravo.

My nephew.

Yes.

[ Squeaking ]

Hello.

Well, hello.

Hello.

Oh !

Ciao.

Ciao.

[ Purring ]

Veramente? No.

What?

He says,

"Take me home with you."

He does, does he?

Esattamente.

Ciao, piccolo, Ciao.

Ciao.

[ Meowing ]

I run into you in the street

in Rome, and now we're here.

Didn't you have plans today?

Didn't you have something

you had to do?

So what?

If you smash

into something good,

you should hold on

until it's time to let go.

And now is not the time.

Not in my opinion.

39

No.

You have beautiful eyes,

Francesca.

I wish I could swim inside them.

What?

No. It's just that's

exactly what American women

think Italian men say.

I guess.

Thank you.

Marcello, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm really nervous, you know.

I was married for a long time.

And since then,

there hasn't been anybody.

Would you like to help me

change that?

You are asking me

to sleep with you?

Yes.

Hmm.

That is exactly

the kind of thing

we Italian men think

American women say.

Oh !

Yeah.

You honor me with your offer.

Francesca.

Yes?

I'm going to make love

all over you.

Okay.

Okay.

40

Ohh !

Yeah.

[ Marcello singing in Italian ]

Mamma mia!

Che bella spalla.

-What is spalla?

-Shoulder.

And what do you call this?

La gola.

La gola.

Mm-hmm.

And this?

II capezzolo.

Il capezzolo.

Uh-huh.

And this?

Esausto.

Exhausted?

Exhausted.

At least for the next minutes.

Okay.

Okay.

Me too.

It's terrible that you bought

that villa in Cortona.

Why?

Because it's not in Positano,

and I am.

You have to promise

to come back here.

Promise me.

41

When?

Can you come this weekend?

I think so.

You think so?

Hmm.

You think so?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Thank you.

Thank you.

I knew it, I knew it,

I knew it

Whoo!

I still got it.

I still got it.

I still got it!

Thank God !

Oh, yeah.

Buongiorno.

Buongiorno!

Do I still look sad to you?

No.

Ladybugs, Katherine.

Lots and lots of ladybugs.

Lovely.

When do you see him again?

Tomorrow.

What?

What?

Oh !

42

Ha!

I would have told you

I was coming,

but you would have

talked me out of flying.

Oh, look at you !

God damn it, Frances.

-I...

-What?

I gotta go pee!

You must be so exhausted.

Oh !

Pbht! See this?

Tell me there's a baby in there.

Mm-hmm.

Big old baby in there.

Right now.

I'm with you.

Oh, jeez.

So, what's it like

having one of these in Cortona?

I hear the town midwife's good.

She puts a knife under the bed

to cut the pain.

Florence is an hour away.

You're gonna deliver this baby

in a hospital gown

designed by Armani.

She ran out on me.

She said she realized she didn't

want to be a mother after all.

[ Crying ]

Oh, disaster, Frances.

How do you do it?

43

How do you ever breathe again?

Pretty soon.

God, I missed you.

FRANCES : Marcello, I really

think I'd better stay here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

How about next weekend?

Okay, well how about

the one after that?

No, of course, I understand.

I won't forget you.

I think a lot about you, too.

Okay.

Well, until then.

Bye.

There's something strange

about these trees.

It's like they know.

And they know

that we know that they know.

They're creepy.

Creepy Italian trees.

The baby's gonna like them

'cause it's gonna be

a creepy Italian baby

who goes around saying,

"Ciao, Mamma, "

and doing that backward

hand-wave thing.

Life is strange.

Where were you going

when I arrived?

Nowhere important.

What's he like?

He's a creepy Italian.

-So go see him.

-I will.

44

I want to spend time

with my creepy American friend.

I refuse to screw up

your love life.

Don't be ridiculous, Patti.

You are my love life.

[ Water dripping ]

PATTI : Frances,

could you come up here, please?

There's hot water

in the toilet bowl.

Oh, my God.

-That's close to boiling.

-Mm-hmm.

They must have crossed

a pipe somewhere.

Oh, this is really bad,

isn't it?

Well, it's not good, unless you

want to give your ass a facial.

That's a contradiction in terms.

I guess it'd be more

of an ass-cial.

[ Woman giggling in distance ]

-[ Chuckles ]

-[ Gasps ]

Oh, God. Go.

Go, go, go.

PAWEL:

I'm sorry, Frances!

He's sorry.

We have nowhere else

to be together.

What does that make me?

Saint Francesca,

patron saint of horny teenagers?

Pawel, you were doing it

in my bed.

I don't even do it in my bed.

Please, Francesca, help us.

45

My father don't let us see

each other.

Maybe he thinks you're young

and shouldn't be...

It's because I'm Polish.

It will be terrible

if we are not together.


"Assassinate."

Did you say "assassinate"?

Did she say you were going

to assassinate somebody?

No, she misunderstand.

I didn't say...

Amore, I didn't say,

"assassino. "

I said, "I'm going to ask Nino"

for money to help us

get married.

-Oh !

-"Ask Nino." Oh !

I didn't understand.

Married?

You barely understand

what the other is saying.

We are in love.

And I go with him this weekend.

To the flag-throwing festival.

I am going to throw the flag.

Throw the flag.

Why?

Because I can do it

as good as any Italian man.

That's why.

And her father will see.

PLACIDO:

Francesca?

-Francesca?

-My father.

46

-Francesca.

-Placido, hi.

My daughter says

you are taking her

to the festa in Montepulciano.

This is true?

Just a moment, please.

I told him you're taking me

so he will stay home.

I don't want to lie

to your father.

Come on, Frances.

Who cares?

PAWEL:

Frances?

If I am not with her,

I will die of a broken heart.

You won't die.

[ Cheering ]

Isn't he great?

Oh, there he is!

These are straight men.

In tights twirling flags.

-Fantastic!

-Yeah.

Oh, this is it!

He is fantastic!

Fantastico!

Whoo!

-Yay! Bravo!

-Bravo!

CHIARA:

Pawel, I love you !

[ Crowd gasps ]

Oh !

[ Gasps ]

47

Pawel !

Mi scusi. Pawel !

-Oh, oh.

-Easy.

Easy. Easy.

Mi scusi.

I throw the flag.

Si, amore.

They're fine.

Let's go.

What is it about love

that makes us so stupid?

Take the man with the flowers.

Same deal every day.

I mean, enough already.

Why can he just let it go

and get over it?

Francesca, you see my daughter?

She seems so different.

-Really?

-Oh, Chiara is not herself.

Oh.

Maybe do you know

what's bothering her?

Placido, I don't know.

Oh.

Hey, Frances, look.

You can see Bramasole from here.

See?

Thank you.

It's Marcello!

Oh, my God !

-Wait a minute.

-What?

48

What's he doing?

Don't go!

Where are you going?

Patti !

Marcello!

Marcello!

Marcello! Ah !

Marcello!

Aaah !

Wait!

Marcello!

We tried you on your cell,

but you were in a dead zone.

I cannot believe

you let him leave.

-He said he couldn't wait.

-Couldn't wait?

-Why?

-He was on his way to Arezzo.

He was nearby

and thought he'd take a shot.

He was very disappointed, okay?

You've got a snail in your ear.

Good.

Really?

No!

Get it out!

He left you a note.

Hold still.

He's going north

for a couple of weeks.

Oh, my God.

He had a dream

about me in a white dress.

A white dress?

Holy shit!

49

Damn it, Patti,

why didn't you make him wait?

I mean, come on,

You're a tough dyke.

You could have tied him

to a chair!

You could have

faked labor at least!

I wouldn't have had to fake it.

[ Inhales, exhales deeply ]

Ten fingers.

Ten toes.

[ Inhales, exhales deeply ]

I commend you

on a classic choice.

What's her name, Mom?

Alexandra.

Alexandra.

In Italian, the literal

translation of "to give birth, "

"dare alla luce, "

is to give to the light.

Alexandra.

Welcome to the light.

All right.

Hi !

Yes! Yes!

Hello, sweetheart.

Alexandra.

-Alexandra.

-[ Toys squeaking ]

Okay, I can...

Hey, baby.

Oh, you're so cute.

You're so cute.

Oh !

50

Frances.

We are finished.

Poland.

Dziekuje.

Dziekuje.

Come back soon.

I'll cook for you.

Pawel, you too?

Chiara is waiting !

Patti, you want to

come with me to town?

We could bring the baby.

[ Knock on door ]

I have to buy a white dress.

Excuse me.

-Could you give me a lift?

-With pleasure.

Grazie.



Grazie.

I could wait and take you back.

Thanks, but I've got

my boyfriend.

Marcello!

Marcello!

Francesca.

Wait there, I'm coming down.

Francesca.

Look how beautiful you are.

It's incredible to see you.

Every time we made plans,

51

it didn't happen.

So this time, I thought

I'll surprise you.

I am surprised.

What brings you to Positano?

What brings me to Positano?

What brings me to Positano?

WOMAN :

Marcello.

We're going to be late.

One moment, darling.

I'll be right there.

Wow.

I came at a bad time.

Francesca, wait.

Wait. Wait!

I'm sorry you're hurt.

But what did you expect?

What did I expect?

You came to Bramasole.

You left that note.

I thought that you...

Wait.

Just a minute.

Months ago,

we had a beautiful affair.

And if you think I wanted more

of you after that, you're right.

Because I did, of course.

You're a fantastic woman,

Francesca.

But we were never able

to come together again,

even though we tried.

And this sort of thing

must come naturally.

I told you.

52

There was my friend.

She was going to have a baby.

There were many,

many other things.

Important things you had to do.

And you couldn't wait.

Right?

Don't worry, Francesca.

Don't worry.

There is nothing to regret.

Do you regret this?

I don't...

There is someone for you,

Francesca.

Goodbye.

Francesca!

She's in the fountain !

-Who is in the fountain?

-The crazy blonde!

What's going on here?

She is Sylvia

in "La Dolce Vita."

She's very good, actually.

Is she drunk?

I hope so.

You know, in "La Dolce Vita,"

he goes in and he gets her.

Mastroianni. He goes in,

and he fishes her out.

Katherine.

Thank you.

Do you think I make

a good Sylvia?

You were wonderful.

Oh.

53

Here.

I see Zeus is gone.

Back to Mount Olympus.

I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

I'm fine now.

There's nothing like a fountain

and a magnum of French champagne

to put you right again.

Really?

What do you think?

Oh.

You know who I really love

the most from all the films?

Cabiria.

You remember at the end

when another man has left her

in the most terrible way,

and she thinks

it's all over for her?

Then she sees some children

playing in the street,

making music.

And before she knows it...

she's smiling again.

That's what Fefe always said.

No matter what happens...

always keep

your childish innocence.

It's the most important thing.

You're back?

What happened?

How'd it go with Marcello?

I don't want to talk about it.

54

Chiara's here.

She's upset.

She's out in the garden

talking with Pawel.

I can't talk about it now.

Oh. Fran.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid ! Stupid !

Stupid !

Stupid !

Aah !

What more can I do?

[ Chiara crying in distance ]

It's okay.

It's not your fault.

Babbo.

I want to ask your permission

to marry your daughter.


It's nice,

but it's out of the question.

I have come here

to ask your permission

to marry your daughter.

I will love her forever, and I

know that I will make her happy.

All young men say this.

Sometimes it's true.

Never.

Never?

What about you two?

Don't be ridiculous.

I hate him half of the time.

Placido, don't you want

Chiara to be happy in love?

55

Happy.

Happy is about a lot of things.

It's not just

about young passion.

This doesn't last, Chiara,

and when it's over,

what you will have left

is nothing.

He has nothing to offer you.

I have everything to offer her.

Everything.

Pawel, let's go.

Chiara!

Wait. Wait.

Won't you give your blessing?

What if this is it?

The real thing.

A love that lasts forever.

What you describe

is all in fairy tales.

No, it's not.

And how do you know?

From personal experience?

No, I looked for it,

and I didn't find it.

But that doesn't mean

it doesn't exist.

That's exactly what it means.

No one has had it.

I did !

I had a great love.

Mamma!

Your father...

a great love.

And I'll never forget it.

56

Mamma! Mamma!

He's a poor Polish laborer.

He is nobody.

He has no family!

That's not true.

He has me.

I'm his family.

I'm his family.


Chiara.


Pawel.



Amen.


-CHIARA: Amen.


Amen.


CHIARA:

Amen.

Okay, yes.

Okay.


Mamma!

[ Guests chanting ]

[ Cheering ]

What are you thinking?

What do I think?

Tell me.

57

I think you got your wish.

My wish?

That day we looked

for your snake

you said to me that you wanted

there to be a wedding here.

Yeah.

And you said you wanted there

to be a family here.

You're right.

I got my wish.

I got everything

that I asked for.

Mi scusi.

[ Speaking faltering Italian ]

You are looking for the American

writer who lives here,

and you found her.

If you don't mind, I'll just...

There.

It was crawling on you.

A ladybug.

Huh.

Do I know you?

Not really.

You reviewed

one of my books once.

Did I like it?

Not very much.

-Oh, no.

-Don't worry.

It was, by far, the very best

bad review I've ever received.

You're kidding.

I'm not.

58

It helped me get to

my next book.

Anyway, I've been traveling

around Tuscany.

Someone said that

you lived up here.

I'm Ed.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Frances.

Hi.

Hi.

There's a wedding going on.

This isn't your wedding.

That would be unfortunate.

They say they built

the train tracks over the Alps

before there was a train

that could make the trip.

They built it anyway.

They knew one day

the train would come.

Any arbitrary turning

along the way,

and I would be elsewhere.

I would be different.

What are four walls, anyway?

They are what they contain.

The house protects the dreamer.

Unthinkably good things can

happen, even late in the game.

It's such a surprise.

under the tuscan sun script

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