understanding and managing conflict dynamicsspte 17 2011

Understanding and Managing Conflict Dynamics

Dr. Karyn Trader-Leigh, KTA Global Partners, LLC www.ktaglobalpartners.com

copyright 2013 ktaglobalpartners,llc

Role play a situation between 2 neighbors, one had grown beautiful flowers, and the other had a dog that destroyed them,

Scenario


a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to their needs, interests or concerns.

What is Conflict?


A conflict is more than a mere disagreement - it is a situation in which people perceive a threat (physical, emotional, power, status, etc.) to their well-being.

People in conflicts tend to respond on the basis of their perceptions of the situation, rather than an objective review of it.

People filter their perceptions (and reactions) through their values, culture, beliefs, information, experience, gender, and other factors.

What is Conflict


Institutional Conflicts: Institutional sources of conflict deal with the

conflicting roles of people with in the organization.

Ideological Conflicts: Conflicts that arise out of different world views.

E.g. Baptists vs. Catholic or Christian vs. Islam Personal Conflicts: Tensions between two persons based on

differences in personal preferences, ideas and needs.

Sources of Conflict


Distributional Conflicts: Conflicts over who gets what and how much

they get(e.g.) budget, staff, office space, salary increases). If there is not enough to satisfy everyone this is a win-lose conflict.

Sources of Conflict


What are some key sources of conflict in your workplace?

What are positive aspects of conflict? What are negative aspects of conflict?

Discussion


It is important to recognize that there is a strong relationship between conflict and organization change. The way in which disagreements are addressed has implications for change. If an organizations style is conflict avoidance, it will be easier to continue with existing ways of doing things rather than dealing with the disruption and change in order in the organization for the sake of keeping peace.

Conflict and Change


Compromising is an approach to conflict in which people gain and give in a series of tradeoffs. While satisfactory, compromise is generally not satisfying. We each remain shaped by our individual perceptions of our needs and don't necessarily understand the other side very well. We often retain a lack of trust and avoid risk-taking involved in more collaborative behaviors.

What is your preferred style, what are the consequences of that style?

Collaborating is the pooling of individual needs and goals toward a common goal. Often called "win-win problem-solving," collaboration requires assertive communication and cooperation in order to achieve a better solution than either individual could have achieved alone. It offers the chance for consensus, the integration of needs, and the potential to exceed the "budget of possibilities" that previously limited our views of the conflict. It brings new time, energy, and ideas to resolve the dispute meaningfully

Conflict Style


Conflict is often best understood by examining the consequences of various behaviors. Each behavioral style is a way to meet one's needs in a dispute but may impact other people in different ways.

Competing is a style in which one's own needs are advocated over the needs of others. It relies on an aggressive style of communication, low regard for future relationships. Those using a competitive style tend to seek control over a discussion, in both substance and ground rules. They fear that loss of such control will result in solutions that fail to meet their needs. Competing tends to result in responses that increase the level of threat.

Accommodating, also known as smoothing, is the opposite of competing. Persons using this style yield their needs to those of others, trying to be diplomatic. They tend to allow the needs of the group to overwhelm their own, which may not ever be stated, as preserving the relationship is seen as most important.

Avoiding is a common response to the negative perception of conflict. "Perhaps if we don't bring it up, it will blow over," we say to ourselves. But, generally, all that happens is that feelings get pent up, views go unexpressed, and the conflict festers until it becomes too big to ignore. Like a cancer that may well have been cured if treated early, the conflict grows and spreads until it kills the relationship.

Conflict Style


Whatever the solution, effective conflict resolution meets the needs, expectations and interests of the people involved in three important aspects.

Satisfaction Triangle

PROCESSEMOTION

SUBSTANCE


Think of a conflict you recently had?

Do I like the person I became during the conflict?

Did my actions lead to resolution or make things worse?

Reflection


MOST relationships are important for one reason or another.

Since we don't always see eye to eye on everything, there are going to be disagreements.

Disagreements can be highly toxic and damaging to these important relationships, even destroying the relationship if we don't learn to fight fair.

How To Fight Fair In Important Relationships


Let's face it - it is very difficult to take back comments and actions that are made from a place of anger or judgment or a misuse of power.

Face Saving. If you want the person you are in conflict with to go in a different direction you have to leave them a way to do it.

People who feel pushed to he wall will attack Pay attention to your opponents need for

dignity.

How to Fight Fair


Take Responsibility for Yourself. Put Aside Defensive Behavior. Avoid Contemptuous Behavior

(demeaning comments, putting someone down)

No Stonewalling/Shutting Down Allowed

Four Ground Rules


What is the impact of violating these behaviors?

What are antidotes to Blame, Defensiveness, contempt or stonewalling?

Impact


Constructive Responses

ACTIVE Perspective taking Creating Solutions Expressing Emotions Reaching Out PASSIVE Reflective Thinking Delay Responding Adapting

Destructive Responses

ACTIVE Winning at all costs,

Displaying Anger, Demeaning others

Retaliating PASSIVE Avoiding Yielding Hiding Emotions Self -Criticizing

Conflict Dynamics


When you get angry, situations often seem worse than they are.

Ask yourself if there's anything you can do about the situation.

Breathing & Visualization: Anger is as much a physiological response as an emotional one; if you calm your body, you'll feel less angry. Breathing exercises are an effective way to slow the heart rate and relax the muscles.

Anger Management

http://www.happynews.com/living/conflict/anger-management-tips-techniques.htm

http://www.happynews.com/living/conflict/anger-management-tips-techniques.htm


Ask permission or schedule a time BEFORE you attempt engagement. Sounds like this, "I'd like for us to discuss our finances. Is this a good time or can we set aside a 1/2 hour later today?"

Set guidelines for the discussion BEFORE you begin. Guidelines will be whatever works for the two of you.

You could decide who will start the discussion, whether they speak uninterrupted or are willing to take questions.

How much time you are going to allot to the conversation. You could even ask someone to use a different tone of voice with you or to refrain from swearing if that is an issue.

Think about what each of you might need to make the conversation productive. Setting guidelines for the conversation is something you do together and is negotiable. Find a way that works for the two of you.

Minimizing Relationship Damage During Heated Discussions


Format for “I” Statements“When [the facts or event] happened,

I thought/noticed/assumed/made up [your interpretation of the event].

I messages don’t resolve the conflict but it recognizes that both parties are involved. Letting go of the concept of fault, frees up both participants to be involved and invested in finding solutions.

Use “I” Statements


Our thoughts can hijack our emotions Your thoughts, perceptions of the event contribute

to thinking feelings, behaviors (irrational thinking, exaggerated or dysfunctional

thinking). Understanding how your thoughts lead to emotions

which then drive us to behave in certain way. We are not our thoughts. As surprising as this is to

discover, our thoughts are only one aspect of our beings. We do not have to believe everything we think!

It helps to see these challenges as manageable.

Manage the Mind


Exercise: What are some of your hot buttons at work? What are hot buttons in your relationships

(family, friends, kids, significant other) How does your body tell you that you are

getting angry? Identify strategies you have to calm

yourself down What can you do about habitual responses

to the same trigger

Hot Buttons and Triggers


Step 1 LISTEN pay attention to the words and feelings behind what your conflict partner is expressing. Resist interrupting. People stop venting if they think you are listening.

Step 2 Acknowledge the anger (I see that you are upset)

Step 3 Apologize- this is difficult because people feel apology is the same as taking responsibility, when something was not my fault. What you are saying is you are sorry for their pain.

Step 4 Agree with their truth. Recognize there is more than one legitimate perspective.

Step 5 Invite Criticism Involve them in the discussion of how the situation could have been handled differently, this engages and refrains from blame or accusation.

Defusing other Peoples Anger


One must do something with one’s own anger before you interact with others.

It is irrelevant whether your anger is justified or righteous– it works against your own best interest because it makes you unable to negotiate effectively.

What Biblical principles or faith practices can you use to defuse anger.

Defusing Anger


Detaching from our “knee jerk,” “dysfunctional,” and “habituated” behaviors, which keep us stuck.

Used to help us respond to a situation rather than reacting to it

how does one detach when someone is yelling in your face...by using the difficult and painstaking practice of mindfulness. When you feel those primal feelings rising up, you breathe in those feelings,

Detachment


Then you “step outside of yourself” sort of speak and turn on your “internal observer,”

It may be that you have to use a humor to get through it, or say a calm word, or set a boundary by saying “I am unable to discuss this with you right now.”

Detachment always includes your needs, as well as that of others. Detachment doesn’t mean to detach from your feelings, but rather to honor yourself and others by changing your habituated responses.

The Internal Observer


Identify 5 five strengths you have in dealing with conflict

Identify 5 weaknesses you have in dealing with conflict.

Considering the weaknesses what actions can you take, what new behaviors can you try to improve responses to conflict?

Conflict Management Plan


Self Awareness

Read emotions recognize the impactEmotional Self awarenessAccurate Self Assessment

Social Awareness

Perceive/Decipher EmotionsOrganizational AwarenessService Orientation Situational/Context Awareness

Self Management

Regulate EmotionsSelf ControlTrustworthyConscientiousnessAdaptabilityInitiative Drive

Relationship Management

Using emotions to facilitate/motivate othersInfluence othersDevelop othersCollaborate

Emotional Intelligence


Choose a conflict with another person that you want to work on

You will need to occupy three different perceptual positions during this exercise, spending a few minutes in each. You will change positions three times.

In each position close your eyes, think feel see hear and speak as the person you are representing.

Perceptual Positions in a Conflict


Position 1 Your view of the conflict and the behavior of the other person

Position 2 Suspend judgment articulate the situation from the other persons perspective

Position 3 Neutral Observer comment on what you saw, heard felt watching the two other positions. Can you offer any advice to the first person on handling it differently

Perceptual Positions


When we change our responses, others with whom we have had conflict with in the past, often want what is familiar; therefore their aggression towards you may increase.

It takes a lot of self awareness to unhook your self from habituated behaviors, as well as courage.

However, with time and practice, dysfunctions which only serve to make matters worse, can start to fade.

Don’t Bite the Hook


Identify three ideas that you can take away to improve your response to conflict

understanding and managing conflict dynamicsspte 17 2011

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