VICTORIA UNIVERSITY’S STUDENT NEWSPAPERVOL. 57 ISSUE 2 • SEPT. 23 2014 • WWW.THESTRAND.CA

Inside...MAYORAL RACE & CANDIDATES.... 2-3A TALE OF TWO CITIES.... 4MEDIA AND MESSAGE.... 6-7SPOTLIGHT ON STRESS.... 8JFL42: INTERVIEW.... 10-11BROADENING TIFF.... 12THE DO’S AND DO NOT’S OF MOURNING ....15

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MAYORAL DEBATE DATES - WEEK OF SEPT. 22ND-28TH:

September 22, 7 PM: Innis College, University of Toronto September 23, 7:30 PM: York South-Weston community associations September 24, 12 PM: C.D. Howe Institute September 24, 7 PM: Black Business Professional Association and Jamaican Canadian Association. Location: 995 Arrow Rd. September 25, 7 PM: Toronto Environmental Alliance September 26, 12 PM: Empire Club of Canada. Location: Arcadian Court, 401 Bay St. September 29, 12 PM: ArtsVote. Location: TIFF Cinema 1 September 29, evening: Markland Wood Homeowners Association September 30, 3 PM: Toronto Sports Council September 30, 6 PM.: Yonge Bloor Bay Business Association

“We work for you. We’re stopping the gravy train.”

“As mayor, I will devote every day to making our city more livable,

more affordable, and more func-tional.”

"I want to make sure that other peo-ple's [lives are] better, that life is more affordable for families, that kids have

a better future."

Past employment: • Artist and teacher• School board trustee• City Councillor for Trinity-Spadina• Member of Parliament for Trinity-Spadina

Transportation• Construction of a downtown relief subway line using money saved by implementing LRT instead of Scarborough subway• In favour of 7-stop Scarborough LRT extension• Increase bus rush hour capacity by 10% • Construction of 200 km of bikes lanes

After School Programs and Public Housing• Expanding nutrition programs to serve 36,000 more children across the city• Developing after-school recreation programs for at-risk youth• Target of 20% affordable units in new residen-tial towers

Youth Unemployment:• Creation of jobs for young people through after-school care, tree-planting and other community benefit programs

Education: Humber College and Carlton University

Past employment:• President of Deco Labels & Tags (Present)• Vice Chair of Build Toronto (Present)• Elected to city council in Etobicoke North

Transportation:• Supports subway expansion into Scarbor-ough, extending the Sheppard and Finch subway

After School Programs and Public Housing:• Upgrade existing playground facilities• Has yet to release a platform on public hous-ing

Youth Unemployment:• Vows to continue to create jobs but has yet to release any new initiatives for job creation

Past employment:• Law firms• Principal Secretary to the Premier and Associ-ate Secretary of the Cabinet under Premier Bill Davis• Tour Director and Campaign Chairman for Brian Mulroney• Managed Kim Campbell’s election campaign• President and CEO of Rogers Communications• Commissioner of the CFL

Transportation• “Smart Track:” Construction of 22-stop, $8 bil-lion surface rail line on existing GO Transit tracks• Supports immediate construction of three-stop Scarborough subway extension and construction of a “Yonge Street Relief Line.”• In favour of building separate bike lanes

After School Programs and Public Housing:Yet to released official platform

Youth Unemployment•Committed to doubling the number of com-panies in the Partnership to Advance Youth Employment

MEET THE CANDIDATES

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WITH SOKNACKI, STINTZ OUT, MAYORAL RACE

OPENS UPERIK PRESTONCONTRIBUTOR

With the October 27th election fast approaching, the mayoral race has trimmed down to the final three with the withdrawal of David Soknacki. Considering the recent fluctuations in the polls, Soknacki’s with-drawal complicates predictions regarding our future mayor. In early July, Olivia Chow was the favourite to win when 36% of Torontonians said they would vote for her. That figure has dropped to 29% at the time of this publication, and has put her into a distant second place. Undoubtedly, this is due to what has become the main theme of this race: transit.

As with most downtown-minded candidates in Toronto elections, the reasons for Chow’s decline are relatively easy to discern. Unlike the other two can-didates, she is in favour of scrapping the council-ap-proved 3-stop underground extension to the Scarbor-ough RT in favour of a seven-stop light rail extension to the existing line. The mainstay of her plan is increasing bus service by 10% at peak hours, and the creation of the downtown relief line. All of this would be great for

commuters in the city’s most congested areas, but it alienates the less populous areas of Toronto.

When examining John Tory’s transit plan, it is easy to understand why he is ahead in the polls. He pro-poses an elevated downtown relief line, which would use a significant portion of existing GO tracks, and the completion of the Scarborough subway extension. He has aptly named this plan SmartTrack.

The problem with his idea is financing. He plans on using tax increment financing, where the proposed infrastructure will let the city collect higher property taxes in those areas. Unlike the land transfer tax that Rob Ford instituted to pay for his transit extensions, Tory’s proposition states that his proposal will pay for itself over time. While his plan is impeccably market-ed, his financing model and brisk timeline for comple-tion cast a shadow of doubt over the feasibility of his plan.

Last, but not least, there is our new friend Doug. Ford. Despite his brother’s shenanigans while in the

mayor’s office, Doug sits at 28% in the polls, put-ting him in second place. Although Doug has not an-nounced any policies of his own, many voters assume his agenda will stay the course that his younger broth-er set out. His transit plan, which called to “bore, bore, bore until the cows come home”, states that he plans to build several new subways at a cost of $9 billion. The big question is where this money will come from, a question Rob consistently failed to answer.

With the race down to its final three candidates, the next seven weeks will be quite the show. Consid-ering the fluctuations in the past few months, pre-dictions today could be proven completely wrong. If Chow can salvage votes from the outlying communi-ties, and capitalize on the Fords’ imperfections, this election may well be hers for the taking. On the other hand, the two right-leaning candidates seem to have the majority of Torontonians on lock with their mar-ketable transit plans. Only time will tell.

On February 8th, 2014, Ray Rice, formerly a running back for the Baltimore Ravens, physically assaulted Janay Palmer, his then fiancée, now wife, in the Revel Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey. He and his wife were arrested that same evening. Less than a week later, video emerged of Rice dragging Ms. Palmer out the elevator by her shoulders.

Over the course of the next month, the Ravens ownership and front office continued to defend his character, arguing that he shouldn’t be punished for his actions, as it was his first offense. He was indicted by a grand jury in early March.

Two months later, he applied for, and was ac-cepted into a pretrial intervention program that would allow him to avoid jail time on the condition that he be clear of incidents for 12 months, and that he at-

tend regular counseling. According to an ESPN pro-gram, outside the lines, the program is mainly used for “victimless crimes” and is granted to less than 1% of domestic violence perpetrators. The NFL, after a dis-ciplinary hearing suspended Rice for just two games, which is shorter than the penalty for recreational use of marijuana.

Though it was initially believed that the Ravens and the NFL did not have full access to the tape, it has recently been alleged that they had seen the tapes and were fully aware of the entirety of Rice’s actions. Both the Ravens organization, and the NFL denied having seen the full video until it was released by TMZ. In re-sponse to the recent allegation of prior knowledge of the Rice incident, the Ravens have promised to com-ment sometime next week, claiming the rumours are false and the result of a misunderstanding.

In response to the full video, the NFL introduced a new domestic violence policy, which has been criti-cized as not going nearly far enough to stop NFL play-ers from committing acts of domestic violence.

Rice has been released and banned indefinitely from the NFL. He has appealed this decision, though it being overturned is doubtful.

Implying that violence of any kind against one’s girlfriend, be it a minor altercation or full-blown as-sault, would be acceptable to the Ravens organization or to the National Football League is truly horrifying. The commitment to profits over accountability raises very serious questions, and the NFL should seriously reconsider its approach to violent crimes committed by their players.

ALEX MARTINBOROUGH CONTRIBUTOR

RICE FACES LIGHT PUNISHMENT

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A TALE OF TWO CITIESJILL EVANSSTAFF WRITER

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I like Toronto, but I’ve lived here more or less for three years and have never exactly felt that I could call it home. Toronto is a very, very big city, and it can be difficult to find your place in it. Even so, I can tell that some people I meet here belong in Toronto. They might have been born here, or they might have moved here yes-terday–either way, Toronto is where they want to stay. I’ve always been jealous of people my age who are like this. I always thought that, if you’re only in your early 20s and you’ve already found some place where you really, really want to be–where you might want to spend the rest of your life–you must have a good start on being a functioning adult.

I spent the last four months living outside of Toronto, and now that I’m back I feel weird. It’s September again and everything is exactly the way it was last September, except for where it isn’t. My favourite bakery is closed for renovations. Rob Ford isn’t running for mayor anymore. I’m a fourth year student. But most things are the same. There are still no bike lanes on most major streets. The subway system is still too small. Downtown rent is still high. The city is still impossibly large. Toronto still feels like a city I don’t know and a place I don’t want to be.

Why don’t I want to be here? Toronto is a cool city–Queen West was recently chosen by Vogue as one of the hippest neighbour-hoods on the planet. Toronto is home to a dizzying variety of retail-ers, bars, almost every type of food you can imagine, and probably some foods you can’t imagine. Toronto is so multicultural that I frequently struggle to recognise which language people are speak-ing as they walk past me on the street. Toronto is safe and clean.

The reason I don’t want to be in Toronto is that, this summer, I was living in a city where I really, really want to be. That city is about 6500 kilometres away, in a country that I need a visa to live in, where I don’t even speak the language properly.

The place I want to be is Berlin, a city I had never been to when I started university. In my second year at U of T I enrolled in a beginner-level German class. I did this because one of my friends had been studying German and it looked pretty easy to learn. I knew almost nothing about Germany apart from a bit of World War II history. Like many other teenagers in strip-mall wasteland small city North America, “going to Europe” had been my high school dream. So after I didn’t fail the first term of German 100, I decided to go to Germany to do a six-week German class. I chose Berlin sim-ply because it is the biggest city in the country–surely that would make it a good place to go.

In Berlin, two summers ago, I went to places I had only ever seen postcard-photos of in Google Search results. I learned the history of Berlin through its geography. I discovered the way the streets still looked different even in the most gentrified parts of the former East Berlin; the constant presence of the small bronze memorial

stones embedded in the cobblestones in front of houses where Jew-ish victims of the Holocaust had lived; the old and empty buildings interspersed in the former East which housed squatters, and art-ists, and myself and my friends, drinking beer on rooftops at night. This summer, I went back for four months.

In Berlin I always had a feeling of “everything is happening here all the time”. I had also felt like this in New York, but New York was so big that I never knew what to do with myself there. Berlin is comparatively small: population 3.5 million people, half the size of the GTA. In Berlin I went to art galleries, monuments, museums, clubs inside old warehouses, techno shows. I learned more German. I thought “I really, really want to be where I am right now.” I could not remember thinking ever this before with so much certainty. Staying in Berlin for an entire summer made me start to see the city as “where I want to be” instead of just “a city where I am taking a German course”. But now it is September, and I am here.

In New York and London and Paris, beautiful cities, cities I have only visited briefly, I always feel, “I am not at home here. I can’t imagine being at home here. I like it here, but this is not the place where I really, really want to be.” In Toronto, beautiful city, city I have lived in for several years, I have the same feeling. Until I first went to Berlin, I wondered when I would go a city that I could imagine being at home in. I wondered if Toronto would eventually become that impossible place where I really, really wanted to be. If that place would turn out to be some strange city in some as yet unknown-to-me country overseas. If I would actually never find it at all. I wondered if that place even existed. If I found the right place, I thought, I would try to stay there as long as I could.

After my first visit to Berlin, I was pretty sure I had found it, the right place, the right city, and this summer made me very sure. Then I had to leave. I had to go back to school.

When I first came back to Toronto this September I was unhappy. In Toronto I felt displaced. The streets seemed weird, like they were too small and too big at the same time, the buildings were all the wrong size, everything was boring and also somehow foreign. But after a few weeks, I realised that unless I changed my outlook on the whole idea of “finding the right place to be in”, I was going to keep being unhappy right up until I went back to Germany.

Toronto is not “going to Europe”, Toronto is not over-sized and over-bright New York, it is not crazy broken-down up-all-night Ber-lin, it is not cheap. But it is the place where I go to university. It is the place where I met a lot of my friends. I have learned a lot in Toronto. I am still learning a lot, here and in other cities. I am start-ing to think that Berlin doesn’t have to feel like the only city where I really, really want to be. That there could be two places like that, or three, or four, ten, twenty-five. I could spend the rest of my life in places I’ve never been to, in places that I’ve haven’t heard of yet. Maybe even in too many different places to count.

Summer, so recently passed, was no doubt a blissful time for bookworms to gorge themselves on the lit-erature otherwise forgotten during the busy school year. For some, it was a time for encountering new works we’d promised ourselves we would eventually get to; for others, it was a period of reconnecting with old stories we know and love.

This is where the can of worms usually opens.You would be surprised by how viciously opinion-

ated bookish types can be concerning the notion of returning to books already read. Some readers see it as blasphemy, an indication of ignorance on the read-er’s part for not wholly understanding a book upon first read (why else would you re-read something un-less you didn’t get it?), too narrow-minded to explore new literature. For them, a re-reader is someone too afraid to invest the mental effort and time to dissect a new (and possibly terrible) book outside of their tried-and true literary catalogue. Life is too short not to read as many novels, and experience as many new ideas, stories and points of view as humanly possible, these nay-sayers cry. How else can one possibly grow as an intellectual?

I agree with the notion that one should always pursue new ways of thinking, exploring and learning from the wide variety of worldviews offered through books. This is why I often donate the novels I’ve com-pleted to my local library, both to make way for new literature in my life and also partly due to the guilt I

feel hoarding books I’ll never return to again. I donate books once I understand their message, their purpose fulfilled, their substance absorbed from a now-empty shell of paper. It is these shells that I give to my com-munity.

However, there are a rare few novels which, upon completion, lose none of their original substance. They take on instead a new essence with each revisit. They are the Darwinians novels, the ones whose sto-ries thrive through their ability to adapt and remain relevant in the changing times in which they are read, surviving through their ability to grow richer as the reader imparts more and more of their own life expe-rience into the novel. Essentially, good novels are not unlike zombies; they will never die as long as there are curious brains to be feasted upon.

I believe that books, especially good books, should not be approached as things to be crammed as many times as possible into a lifetime. Instead, I believe that books should be viewed as miniature lifetimes in and of themselves. As in life, I believe books should not be rushed through, but read with each detail taken in, people met appreciated, and something learned along the way. Anyone who has read any good novel knows that out-of-body feeling experienced when a good story draws to a close; I hypothesise that this is the sensation of rebirth, emerging from a pocket-sized lifetime back into our own existence in the pres-ent a little bit changed. Yet unlike life, books allow us

the unique opportunity to reflect on our experiences through experienced eyes, to live a life over again, a practice for the real world without the real-world consequences. I think re-readers understand this. Through my re-readings, I have come to the conclu-sion that I will raise my (future) children like Atticus Finch, approach death like Professor Dumbledore and life like the Little Prince. And if I ever forget these values upon which I chose to lead my life, and you yours, a reminder is just as easy as picking up a well read, and re-read, book.

CASSANDRA MAZZACONTRIBUTOR

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OpDO YOU RE-READ THAT OLD BOOK?(OF COURSE YOU DO.)

Maybe you’re a freshman, having just moved to To-ronto. Or maybe you’re graduating this year, after four or five years getting to know the city’s ins and outs. Either way, you’re well aware of our Rob Ford problem and the adjectives used to describe it: funny (hilari-ous, even), vulgar, embarrassing, disgusting, prehis-toric, racist, homophobic, contemptible. A politician you’d expect in Florida—not progressive, educated Toronto. In other words, a total asshole.

For most, this is due to the obvious scandals—the drinking, smoking, swearing, drunk driving, pissing in public, corruption, and abuse (amongst many others) that get reported in the international news.

But those scandals don’t substantively affect students’ lives. They’re big, shiny media objects

with few real implications except for, maybe, when it comes to our reputation as a city.

Our reputation will recover. Instead, the real di-saster from Ford’s time in office comes as a result of his ideological, divisive, and stupid policies. Ford, his brother, and his administration took all the sense out of city hall and beat it to death with a baseball bat (something, I expect, the perpetually-angry man has quite literally done once or twice). Never mind that Toronto has one of the lowest property tax rates in the GTA, or that Toronto is, in general, an exceed-ingly wealthy city—he convinced city council to stop investing in city-building, all in the name of low taxes.

When it came to getting around the city—practi-cally and sustainably—the Fords have made life worse for everyone. They ripped out bike lanes downtown and in the suburbs (where they’re even more neces-sary), and torpedoed a city-wide equitable rapid tran-sit plan. That means that in 2014, we as students are actually less safe on our bikes than we were in 2010, suffer even more crowded subway rides, wait longer for the bus, and are less connected to our friends and families in the suburbs.

The Fords cynically managed to convince many city councillors to buy into their vision of a bargain-basement city, with even certain downtown council-lors in progressive wards, such as Ana Bailão in Ward 18 (likely your councillor if you live between Dover-court and the western rail tracks) voting to cut bike lanes and local bus service.

And, during a time of massive development and ris-ing land values in the city, the Fords prevented any action on affordable housing. We could have forced developers to include affordable units in new buildings or encouraged new rental housing; instead, all stu-dents are left with are stratospheric rents. Soon, most students won’t be able to live remotely near campus.

As a result, the next four years at city hall must be a time of solutions. We need a segregated bike lane

network to safely get to class, like the Minimum Grid proposed by Cycle Toronto, and we need immediate investment in transit service for all portions of our commute. We need city hall to aggressively tackle apartment availability and rents, which are spiralling out of control. And, of course, we need short and long-term policies, like smart infrastructure and a re-newable energy plan, to build up Toronto’s resiliency to climate change, the great burden that our genera-tion will inevitably bear.

That’s why this election matters; the quality of life for students in Toronto has actually declined over the past four years. The election is a month away—Octo-ber 27. Make sure to vote. And make sure to vote for the candidate that can best move us forward.

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FOR STUDENTS, THIS ELECTION MATTERSJONAH LETOVSKYOPINIONS EDITOR

“THERE ARE A RARE FEW NOVELS WHICH, UPON COMPLETION, LOSE

NONE OF THEIR ORIGINAL SUBSTANCE.”

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In a banal-turned-mildly-interesting bit of television, former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson gave himself a publicity boost when he verbally lashed out at CP24 anchor Nathan Downer. Downer, in what we can prob-ably assume was an act of not actually caring about the interview, asked Tyson about his meeting with Mayor Rob Ford. Downer asked, “Some of your critics would say this is a race for mayor. We know you’re a convicted rapist—this could hurt [Ford’s] campaign. What would you say to that?” In keeping with what one would ex-pect from a career built on being angry enough to bite off another human’s ear, Tyson showed his displeasure by calling Downer a “rat piece of shit” while his publi-cist giggled and Downer half-heartedly protested. Tyson was, after all, promoting his one-man show.

We’ve seen this routine before. In a 2013 Channel 4 interview between Quentin Tarantino and news pre-senter Krishnan Guru-Murthy, the Django Unchained di-rector aggressively shut down questions about movie vi-olence. Guru-Murthy later attributed the confrontation to a discrepancy between interviewer and interviewee, insisting that the interview was simply an opportunity for the director to promote his work.

Stars everywhere have made reporters squirm in their seats, from Christina Hendricks to Bruce Willis. We can often chalk those awkward sound bytes up to half-hearted coercion from reporters. However, Tyson’s self-promotion and our willingness to indulge in a trans-parent rhetoric about his criminal past are of particular interest considering the treatment of our own mayor and the game-changing development that followed only days later, Ford’s cancer diagnosis.

The current state of discussion surrounding Tyson is typically light and jabbing, but ultimately unforgiving. Writers rarely fail to remark on his recognisable face tattoo and gentle-sounding voice. A.V. Club critic Sean O’Neal perfectly captures the duality present in writ-ing about Tyson. On the topic of Tyson’s friends, O’Neal writes that they are “the sort of friends who don’t judge a man for being dangerously self-destructive or rapey.” On the topic of Tyson’s re-branding, O’Neal describes the former boxer’s image as “a gentle, face tattooed gi-ant, who just happens to be mentally unstable…”

Mike Tyson is funny because he’s largely ridiculous, mostly entertaining, and he allows his viewers to take

the higher moral ground. Underlying all his stories of redemption are, of course, reminders of his transgres-sions all wrapped up in a package that seeks our ap-proval. As confusing as it might be that we will soon see an animated version of Tyson in the upcoming Adult Swim cartoon, Mike Tyson Mysteries, it really isn’t that surprising that the “Tysonaissance”, as one critic puts it, emerges from a social climate that has been chuckling/screaming at Rob Ford for the last few years.

This is not a call for forgiveness for either Tyson or Ford. Nor am I saying that they are comparable public figures. I would merely like to draw our attention to their public treatment in light of Ford’s recent change from a source of comedy to a source of tragedy in his own narrative.

For months we’ve accepted unflatteringly cropped images of a beet-faced and sweaty Ford, eyes bulging like those of a stif led infant. His all-black attire on the set of Jimmy Kimmel was near complete, minus a couple of devil horns for comedic effect. Then, on September 17, a sombre-sounding doctor announced Ford’s condi-tion, and now the photos we see of him show a respect that was nearly unseen during the former mayor’s term. Call it bad timing for the respective directors of Rob Ford: The Musical and Ubu Mayor, musicals which take the light-hearted but critical approach that might now be more fitting of a figure like Mike Tyson. Our collec-tive criticism now faces scrutiny about tastefulness. Dis-cussions about both of Ford’s illnesses, addiction and malignant liposarcoma, are more urgent. Epithets like “crack-smoking mayor” and remarks about his size are fading away now that Ford’s life is threatened by cancer-ous fat cells.

Journalistic altercations like Tyson’s and Tarantino’s are entertaining enough, and the real-time transforma-tion of Tyson into a self-reflective caricature speaks to our own tendency to indulge in critical mockery of disgraced figures. Subtle jabs at Ford’s company, which over recent months have included Mike Tyson, disgraced sprinter Ben Johnson, and magician David Blaine, show that journalists still aren’t completely ready to give up on the criticism. The sudden hushing of the media’s Ford mockery, however, leaves us wondering where our threshold for schadenfreude really lies, and what it takes to drastically flip a public narrative.

PAULA RAZURIEDITOR-IN-CHIEF

WHEN JOURNALISM MAKES US LAUGH...

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The media talk a good game about how we’re the bas-tion of a free society, the lone defenders of the truth. This may have been more true in the days before the major newspapers were all bought out by the same con-glomerates, but journalists are still tasked with this re-sponsibility of delivering the truth to a waiting public. We still buy into this idea that journalists are impartial commentators on society, that our pens are the sword of justice, et cetera, et cetera.

But what happens when the journalists are part of the problem?

A little more than a month ago, unarmed teen Mike Brown was killed by Officer Darren Wilson in Ferguson, Missouri. The outrage at the shooting of an unarmed black teenager prompted widespread protests and riots. The firestorm of lies and “retracted accounts” that the Ferguson Police Department sent out didn’t help the situation. Of course, in the face of all this, America’s journalistic establishment could be counted on to pro-vide fair, appropriate coverage.

Just kidding. Fox News provided their usual service

of making the rest of us look good when they com-plained that calling a kid with no gun an “unarmed teen” was biased coverage. Media outlets focused much more on the “senseless” rioting than the anger that sparked it. But even more damning was the New York Times’ coverage of the incident. The day of Mike Brown’s funeral, they ran a story on his life that stated that he was “no angel”. The article went on to say that he had “dabbled in drugs and alcohol” and, horror of horrors, had “taken to rapping in recent months”.

People weren’t exactly thrilled about the article. On social media, images of this caption appeared next to the captions of white murderers, in which the Times had given favourable descriptions (“he was so sweet as a child”). The Times defended themselves by saying that they wanted to make the story “balanced”. The problem is that it fuelled the (incorrect) public percep-tion that Brown was a) some sort of criminal before he was shot and b) that his actions somehow justified Officer Wilson’s actions (shooting an unarmed teen to death). The other problem is that we live in a society

that is racist and hostile towards black youth, and that racism bleeds into even our most sacred institutions.

Biased news coverage stretches much further than just this one case. It can be blatent, like the TV news networks that victim-blamed Janay Rice for staying with her fiancé after he beat her, or it can be subtle, like the lack of coverage in the case of Renisha McBridge, a black woman who was killed after approaching a house for help.

Of course, these aren’t the only stories out there. In all of these instances, other news outlets or inde-pendent bloggers have shared their outrage over the terrible coverage. In the case of Mike Brown, the news-paper was forced to print a piece acknowledging that they hadn’t handled the issue well.

But first impressions stick, and we in the media need to understand the role we play in shaping them. If we want to see ourselves as an impartial “fourth es-tate”, we have to act like one.

THE MEDIA IS THE MESSAGE:

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WHEN JOURNALISTS GET IT WRONGEMILY POLLOCKEDITOR-IN-CHIEF

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RHIANNA JACKSON-KELSO COPY EDITOR

The very first mark I got back in university was the lowest I had ever gotten. It was on a short close reading assignment for my first-year Eng-lish class, Literature for our Time, which, at that time, was taught by Professor Nick Mount. I remember very clearly the feeling of utter de-spair that overwhelmed me when I checked my grade on Blackboard. I was sure that it meant I wasn’t cut out for university, that I would have to drop out and spend the rest of my life haunt-ed by my failure to adjust to the rigours of post-secondary academia.

Looking back on it now, I can see how ex-treme my reaction was. The assignment was only worth five percent of our final grade, and our TAs had advised us that it was intended to be a practice exercise rather than an assessment of our critical thinking skills. Despite all of this

reassurance, however, I certainly wasn’t the only one distraught by her mark, a fact which convinced me my distress must be justified. At the beginning of the first lecture following the unveiling of our grades, Professor Mount took a few minutes to address the concerns many students in the class had brought up with him or their TAs about their marks. He urged us not to worry so much, and told us that the class average on the assignment was right where the university wanted it to be—at 69%.

Yes, you heard me. The assignment we were all so worried about had an average mark which, to quote the official University of To-ronto grading scale, indicates that a student is “profiting from his/her university experience.” My own mark on the assignment was slightly higher than this, but neither that nor the com-

forting words of Professor Mount made me feel much better about the situation. Despite the fact that I was slightly above the average standard proposed by the university, my com-pulsive need to compare myself to others was making me feel horribly inadequate. Many of my friends had gotten higher marks than I had, but were just as distraught about it as I was, even after hearing Professor Mount’s speech. If they weren’t satisfied with their results, how could I possibly be satisfied with mine?

Of course, I didn’t end up failing out of uni-versity, and my marks improved throughout the year as I got into the swing of things (and figured out what the heck close reading actu-ally was). If I’ve learned one thing from that experience, however, and from the cumulative experiences of my first two years of undergrad,

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it’s that one of the least productive things you can do in university is compare yourself to oth-ers. It can be difficult not to do so in such a competitive environment, especially at a uni-versity like UofT where the admission averag-es of some colleges can be upwards of 90%. When it comes down to it, though, at least in my experience, focusing on how well others are doing only causes undue stress and breeds unhelpful (and often groundless) feelings of inadequacy.

This tendency to focus too much on the successes or failures of others is a promi-nent part of a larger trend I’ve seen a lot of in my two years at the University of Toronto. The habit of stressing out, or participating in stress-inducing activities, seems to be the fa-voured pastime of the average university stu-dent, as anyone with a Facebook account will tell you. Scrolling down my newsfeed around course selection time, for example, feels kind of like peeking in on a very disorganized, slightly hysterical, typo-ridden war room. The atmosphere is certainly contagious, and this year especially I found myself caught up in it. I spent countless late nights in mid-July plan-ning backup courses for my backup courses, trying desperately to prepare for the disaster I was sure awaited me on ROSI. In the end, though, I was able to get into all of my courses

with relatively little trouble. I logged off ROSI that day feeling confused and more than a little suspicious, convinced that I had missed something vital.

Thinking back on my course enrolment in first and second year, I’ve realized that al-though it has always been an intensely stress-ful experience for me, the actual process of se-

lecting my courses (all two and a half minutes of it) has never been that bad. When I thought about why I always expected it to be so stress-ful, even though it consistently wasn’t, I real-ized that a lot of it had to do with how stressed out everyone around me was. Just like with that first mark from Nick Mount’s class, my

own sense of anxiety was amplified by the worries of those around me—it’s difficult to feel relaxed about your 1 PM course enrolment start time when you know people who are convinced that their own 9 AM start is basi-cally a death sentence.

It seems as though stressing out is in-grained into the university experience—al-most as if that’s what you’re supposed to do here. In an atmosphere constantly charged with stressful vibes, the idea of leading a bal-anced, stress-free life starts to take on an el-ement of fantasy. Consciously attempting to avoid or reduce stress can even seem lazy or counterproductive; when you have three es-says to write and 600 pages to read by the end of the week, taking a break to relax often just feels like wasting time.

Fighting back against stress culture is extremely important, however. Dropping a course or asking for an extension on an essay might make you feel like you’re not keeping up, but it’s important to remember that high marks are not worth more than your mental and physical health. This is where that part about not comparing yourself to others comes in: what’s right for you is not necessarily right for someone else, and there is no shame in playing within your limits.

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PUTTING AN END TO COMPARATIVE CRITICISM: FEMALE COMEDIANS AT JFL42

This year’s JFL42 headliner lineup includes the unique talents of Amy Schumer, Lena Dunham, and Wanda Sykes, three heavyweight female comics to balance the three headlining male comedians. The 42 supporting acts are more than peppered with funny ladies per-forming all around the city.

Everyone is tired of the “are women funny” ques-tion. We can agree that this question is a relic of the past. Women can tell jokes and a lot of people will laugh at them and pay money to experience those laughs.

Another dark specter still persists in the discussion of female comedians, however. It’s the act of qualitative comparison. We can accept that women can be funny but we need to pit them against men and more often than not, against each other, before giving them the thumbs-up.

There’s a pervading attitude among criticism of female-centric media that if one girl is good at some-thing, there isn’t room for another girl to also be good at that thing. A female comedian is complimented by saying that she can “hold her own” alongside male co-medians. Take advantage of JFL42 to expose yourself to

the idea that talent is exhibited in a performer’s unique-ness, and not her similarity to other performers of the same gender.

Lena Dunham, writer and star of the HBO series Girls, is headlining the festival with a number of shows at the Sony Centre. Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer, creators and stars of Comedy Central’s Broad City, are closing the festival on Saturday, September 27th at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. Both these series feature young women in their 20s who live in New York. Both series feature funny moments and funny young wom-en. Besides these basic similarities, the two series vary substantially in terms of writing style and structure, and yet nearly every critical and non-critical discussion of Broad City since its debut has included some kind of qualitative comparison to Girls.

Let’s ask ourselves why this is necessary and in-stead give these young talents the respect they de-serve. Our discussion of these acts does not require us to raise one above the other. Both can be funny. Both are funny. And one can go as far as to assume that the stand-up acts of these respective performers will likely differ in style from their respective TV series, because,

shockingly–women can not only be funny, but they can do it in more than one medium.

My first show of the festival was opening night at the Rivoli, with Graham Kay and Sarah Hennessey. Both killed it in their own distinct styles. Graham has a more deadpan and self-deprecating delivery, and Sarah has an endearingly inexhaustible energy onstage. Both made cracks about the lack of audience members in the front row (“you mean none of my six dads showed up?”), the fact that there were two water bottles left out on a stool, and the large quantities of candles in the venue. Other than commenting on the furniture, their acts didn’t have much in common. Yet they still compli-mented each other. Interesting how genuine talent and individual personalities make for a good show, and the gender ratio of the performers has little to nothing to do with it.

Debra DiGiovanni, Tig Notaro, Cameron Esposito, Deanne Smith, among several others are still perform-ing around the city this week. Women can be funny, we’ve accepted it as fact. Let’s take another step for-ward and accept that funny women are a dynamic and multi-talented group.

HOLLY MCKENZIE-SUTTERARTS & CULTURE EDITOR

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THERE'S STILL TIME...

Joe DeRosaSept 23, 7:00pmThe Garrison

Jen KirkmanSept 24, 7:00pmRandolph Theatre

Emily HellerSept 24, 7:00pmRivoli

Paul F. TompkinsSept 24, 9:00pmRandolph Theatre

Tig NotaroSept 24, 7:00pmQueen Elizabeth Theatre

Ron FunchesSept 24, 9:00pmComedy Bar Main Space

Pete Holmes Sept 25, 9:30pmRandolph Theatre

Chris D’EliaSept 26, 9:30pmQueen Elizabeth Theatre

Broad CitySept 27, 9:15pmQueen Elizabeth Theatre

Passes available atwww.j fl42.com

FROM THE COMEDIAN...An interview with JFL42 stand-up, Michael Harrison

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Michael Harrison is a rising star in Canadian comedy. This year he was featured in JFL42’s New Faces show. I sat down with him for coffee to talk about comedy, the festi-val, and comic books.

The Strand: What shows are you doing, first of all.

Michael Harrison: I’m doing New Faces. I did Home Grown in Montreal and now they have New Faces, which is to show off, like, the best of Toronto. So they have 5 comics form Home Grown and they added two more.

TS: That’s awesome.

MH: Yeah, I’m pretty excited. So yeah, actually we’re doing shorter sets because we’re showcasing , like, the best new comics.

TS: So what does that open up for you?

MH: Well, Montreal has more industry. I’m actually on this more for the enjoyment.

TS: So I’ve seen you before and you’re super funny, but how would you describe your comedy for people who don’t know you?

MH: Oh man. I just tell stories about my life. You know, with my act I try to make it as broad as possible, without really inhibiting myself to be stuck to one style of comic. If I wanna write a clean bit, I’ll write it. If I wanna write dirtier jokes, I’ll do that. But over all, it’s just to express myself and however I feel in the moment when I write something.

TS: But you are a pretty clean comic.

MH: Right. To be honest, I started dirty which I think most comics do. I started going clean because I started getting too bored. Like, bored of what everyone was doing. And not only that but I just felt like it became too easy to get that laugh and I’m not even sure if that’s a laugh I like anymore. You know? You hear that “Aha!”, that shock laugh.

I have to admit, I feel like a lot of people could do

that and it’s easier so to try to train myself to be bet-ter and go to that higher level I started to—not to say that I won’t do dirty. I’ll do dirtier topics but I won’t be graphic with them. And it’s also interesting too what the parameters of clean are now, because that was a lot different in the 60’s and 70’s too.

TS: Who would you rather be interviewed by?

MH: Who would I rather be interviewed by? Um, a na-ked woman?

TS: A naked woman?

MH: For sure.

TS: Ok, next time. So, who are you excited to see in the festival?

MH: Dave Attell was number one for me and I already saw him last night. Besides that, I already saw Mike Birbiglia in Montreal, and um, I think Paul F Tompkins.

TS: I was talking to Mike Lawrence earlier and one of the things that’s nuts about him is that, like, this is a guy who’s been on Conan and he still does ten open mics a week. What’s your take on that, do you think there’s a level of diminishing returns or do you think that there’s something that you still get out of all those shows?

MH: When I’m in town I do about twelve, fifteen shows a week. That’s always been my thing. I’ve been notori-ous for always being one of the hardest open micers. But now, I’ve just been on the road too much. So now, the Toronto scene, they don’t even know me at the open mics.

To be honest I just like to do it. I have to do a show every night, you know? So—diminishing returns, I think about that all the time but I don’t even care about it. I know that I hit rooms more than I need to. Way more. There is a point where I know that I hit diminishing re-turns. It gets to that point when it starts getting in the way of your writing; when you’re going out but you don’t have anything to write about. You go to a room and you have nothing to say and you’re just like, “Why am I here”?

TS: So what else do you do beyond stand-up? We’ve

talked about comic books before, that was a thing with Lawrence, too. I think that’s most comics have some sort of esoteric knowledge about something.

MH: When you’re being creative you’re just inspired to look at a lot of it, right? So as much as I love comedy, that’s my number one on everything, even like, my fa-vorite thing to watch. I love reading graphic novels, I love reading biographies, I love reading anything—I love watching movies.

I just love watching and seeing certain circumstanc-es. Even just breaking everything apart in my head. You can people watch but what if everyone that walks by is normal? At least with TV they edit it so everyone’s interesting, so it’s better than people watching, I swear.

TS: So you mean, your big thing is just watching stuff?

MH: No, I mean learning, learning is. You know what I mean.

TS: So, you’ve accomplished a lot in Canadian comedy. You’ve been on Video on Trial, had your own nationally syndicated Comedy Now! special, now you’re in one of the biggest comedy festivals in the world. What’s your next move?

MH: Well, I’m starting to tour the states. So, I’ve start-ed looking for work in other countries and now I’m re-ally excited about pushing my brand globally.

TS: So, just to go back to JFL42, how do you see this as in terms of contributing to Toronto comedy?

MH: I love it. Not only are they bringing established comics to the city but they’re also showcasing comedy clubs in the city. They’re showcasing comedians in the city: tonnes of them. There’s a lot of Canadian comedy in the festival. And they’re showcasing them under the very popular Just for Laughs banner.

They’re furthering our careers, it’s an amazing thing and it’s very exciting for the comics. I can’t find a single thing that I would change.

TS: Cool, just gonna wrap up. Anything else you want-ed to talk about?

MH: Yeah, no. Thanks man.

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There are many great things about living in Toronto, but without a doubt, TIFF has to be one of the best. We live in one of the most diverse and vibrant cities in the world, yet we often take for granted the mix of languages overheard on the streetcar, or the choice of cuisines avail-able all over the city. In fact, many people are bored of hearing about Toronto’s multiculturalism, as it is viewed as “old news.”

However, every year the range of films and countries represented at TIFF cannot fail to impress. This year, 393 films were screened from around 80 different coun-tries. Features such as the Sudanese documentary Beats of the Antonov (which won the Grolsch People’s Choice Documentary Award) or Sand Dollars, set on the beauti-ful coastline of the Dominican Republic, reflect the truly international nature not just of the festival, but also of the city itself.

For Diana Sanchez, who is responsible for festival programming from Spain, Portugal, and Latin America, it can be frustrating that it is Hollywood cinema “that makes the news.” Indeed, looking at any of the major newspaper summaries of TIFF, the dominant conversa-tion focuses solely on which films have emerged as fu-ture awards frontrunners. The Imitation Game, starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Keira Knightley, won The People’s Choice Award, while other talked-about films include This is Where I Leave You, starring Jasen Bate-man and Tina Fey, as well as David Cronenberg’s Maps to the Stars. Finding coverage of any more than a tenth of TIFF’s 393 films proves extremely difficult. As The Guardian’s Catherine Shoard points out in an article about The People’s Choice Award: “it’s a system that has proved unusually in-tune with Academy tastes (perhaps in part because of the high Hollywood turnout at the fes-tival.)”

Sanchez comments that she would like there to be significantly more Latin American films featured in the

festival, as opposed to the mere 16 or 17 that she is re-sponsible for programming. The ones that do screen at TIFF are very popular and often sell out, even though they might not get reviewed alongside their Hollywood counterparts.

Behavior, a Cuban film directed by Ernesto Daranas, won Best Film at the Havana Film Festival of New York, and then screened to a full house here in Toronto. The film tells the story of a young boy whose mother drinks, takes drugs, and leaves him to pay the elec-tricity bills with money he gets from dog fighting. It is his teacher, Carmela, who defies the odds, and the strict officials from the Cuban authorities, to keep him out of a re-education facility. The film not only narrates problems within the Cuban school system, but also tells a moving, and beautiful story about a teacher’s relationship to a classroom full of hopeful children unfairly caught in the complicated world around them.

Behavior tells a story closely connected to the internal politics of Cuba, but also one of universal human warmth. Los Hon-gos, a Latin American film about Colombian cultura callejera, or street culture, exposes social divisions

within Colombia while also telling a very recognizable story of friendship and teenage adventure.

Perhaps, in discovering these different places and languages through cinema, we will be reminded that in Toronto we have a unique opportunity to learn about the world – all we need to do is take a streetcar, visit a restau-rant, or walk the streets of this incredible city.

LOOKING OUTSIDE THE (LIGHT)BOX

CATRIONA SPAVEN-DONSTAFF WRITER

10A baffling, difficult film — Goodbye To Language is the first real 3D experience I have yet encountered. It takes relatively ordinary, previously-encountered Godard sce-narios, such as an affair between a married woman and an older man, and transforms them into aesthetic snap-shots that may just define the ways in which we under-stand the present: anxious and overwhelmingly vibrant.

Goodbye to Language is Jean-Luc Godard’s 31st feature film as one of the most internationally re-nowned directors in the history of cinema. Although it received little attention at TIFF this year, it garnered much European praise, taking home the Jury Prize at

the 2014 Cannes Film Festival. While the experimental aspect of this film is head-

ache-inducing and beyond pretentious, I have to admire Godard’s play with simultaneous images; if you close one eye, you’ll see one picture, and if you close the other, you’ll witness something completely different. I would re-watch the film multiple times, simply to wit-ness it with both eyes open, with the right eye shut, the left eye shut, and, finally — with both eyes shut (in frustration at the difficulty of so many independent fragments).

As a huge Godard fan, I entered the cinema expect-

ing a certain amount of Godard-ness, which usually includes: an argumentative discourse on relationships, some revolutionary camerawork, and a subtle criticism of American cinema. I was not disappointed; Goodbye to Language pushes these trademarks to the next level. However, what the film lacks is the nostalgic, playful charm of his earlier New Wave films, such as Breathless and My Life to Live. Contrarily, Goodbye to Language is a serious amalgamation of his previous themes and camerawork. Although just as brilliant as ever, today’s Godard evokes a certain tiredness and frustration re-

garding contemporary society.

JEAN-LUC GODARD’S GOODBYE TO LANGUAGE: A NEW LEVEL OF 3D AESTHETICISMDOMINIQUE BECHARDFILM & MUSIC EDITOR

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In today’s animated film industry, it has become de-pressingly apparent that Disney, Pixar and Dreamworks have a comfortable monopoly on what children, parents, and nostalgic animation fans watch on the big screen. Oscar nominees are traditionally from one of these ma-jor studios, though the academy will generously throw nominations at the occasional foreign film. However, with two previous nominations (one for Coraline in 2009 and another for Paranorman in 2012) under its belt and another successful film soon to be released, Laika studios seems to be giving the big three some friendly competition. At the very least, this tiny Portland-based company is giving filmgoers a chance to experience fresh, intelligent stories with characters that are neither pretty, nor perfect.

The Boxtrolls is Laika’s first full-fledged fantasy piece, taking place in a fictional town with Victorian-era fashion. Loosely based on Alan Snow’s illustrated novel, Here be Monsters!, the movie focuses on the

eponymous creatures, and Eggs, the human child they have raised underground. When the villain, Archibald Snatcher - a hilariously pathetic brute, played by Ben Kingsley- threatens their lifestyle to forward his own so-cial standing, Eggs must rescue his family and convince the town above him of the truth. It’s a well thought out and energetic story with enough allegory woven in to make your head spin. Each char-acter, from Eggs and Mr. Snatcher, right down to the henchmen and the adorable Boxtroll fish, are incredibly designed, written, and voiced. Laika’s human charac-ters are imperfect, with huge ears, ruddy noses, and mismatched eyes; they’re larger than life reflections of real people. It’s refreshing to see after the smooth CGI characters churned out by other studios.

Much like its predecessor Paranorman, The Boxtrolls focuses on themes of mob mentality and the disconnect between parents and young children. Perhaps due to the added fantasy element, what could have been a repeti-tion of Paranorman ended up somewhere entirely new, with more focus on minor characters and a hilarious ex-

position delivered via pantomime. Laika even found an unique way to include the cheesier bits of a kid’s movie (you’re going to have to go see it to understand what I mean by that).

The stop-motion is crisper than ever; it’s a fascinat-ing glance towards the future using techniques as old as film itself. The amount of frames per second in The Box-trolls is uncanny, and the attention to detail is minute. After two films featuring jeans, sneakers, and sweaters, it was nice to see the designers take up the challenge of powdered wigs, hoop skirts, and embroidered military jackets.

Laika studios recently announced that they are de-voting all of their time in the future to feature length films, and will continue to make them in their distinctive stop motion style. They are a tiny David in the world of CGI Goliaths, but if they continue to deliver stories and characters as refreshing as The Boxtrolls, Pixar had bet-ter watch out; its Oscar days are numbered.

Full of whimsy, trolls, British accents and cheese, I give The Boxtrolls four and a half stars out of five.

A REVIEW OF THE BOXTROLLS

TARA MACTAVISHSTAFF WRITER

ADVENTURES IN CARDBOARD:

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WHAT’S ON: OCTOBER

Ten years is a long time. For a band who broke up after only one LP, ten years would seem to be more than long enough to fade from the cultural consciousness. But Death from Above 1979 made a unique impact with 2004’s You’re a Woman, I’m a Machine, giving a fre-netic yet groovy edge to the early-2000s post-punk re-vival movement. After making their mark as the scene began to collectively offer a more danceable take on post-punk, the duo promptly disbanded, with bassist Jesse F. Keeler lending his dance sensibilities to form the electronic duo MSTRKRFT. A reunion in 2011 yielded no new music until this year’s release of The Physical World. The mere fact that there’s hype surrounding this new release speaks to the staying power of YAWIAM, an album that still sounds fresh even as the sounds that surrounded its production mature beyond it.

What could DFA1979 hope to achieve with a new album? A progression on their sound, or something as lasting as YAWIAM? The Physical World seems to achieve a bit of both, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. The first half of the album is the closest that it gets to the duo experimenting with new sounds, with the fare starting lighter and more me-lodic. Unfortunately, what is new ground for the band is not new ground musically: songs two through four are one Josh Homme away from sounding like a new Queens of the Stone Age album. By stripping away the heavy assault of their sound, the weak lyricism is a bit more noticeable (“If we bought Kurt back to life/

There’s no way he would survive/No way, not a day” isn’t exactly precise enough criticism to give the cord-cutting theme of “Always On” much weight).

Then “Crystal Ball” comes on, and you wouldn’t be wrong to double-check to make sure you’re actually listening to a DFA1979 record that came out this month, not ten years ago. The first return to the band’s original that you’ll hear (if you’re listening in order, at least) be-comes noticeable both in contrast to the boredom that begins to set in after the opening four tracks and just how satisfying the chunky, loud riff sounds. This is the duo doing what they do best, and it makes the first half of the album sound almost like an exercise in lowering expectations before being brought cheerfully back into the old fold. Things begin to get more confusing when “White is Red” comes on, the closest thing to a ballad that lead bass guitar and double kick drums can accom-modate.

This leads into “Trainwreck 1979”, the lead single from the album. When it surfaced in July, it gave hints of a movement towards the “rock” side of the punk-rock question that the band’s previous work straddled. When “Trainwreck 1979” comes on, it works in a way the album’s previous forays into rock don’t. It sounds authentically like the band using their sound as a jump-ing-off point to explore rock, not simply them cover-ing another band’s rock song. The song is good, and this energy continues through the rest of the album, including the second single, “Government Trash,” until it reaches the last song.

Closing the album, “The Physical World” starts with climbing futuristic keyboards. The bass chugs in like an out-of-breath teammate trying to catch up, and this tension synchronizes with Sebastian Grainger’s vocals to progress towards an abstract feeling of cli-max. The song has an almost progressive feel to it and sounds eerily like The Mars Volta’s “Luciforms,” a case study in experimental prog weirdness. The song’s coda slows the pace and works with you to lower your blood pressure until you’re able to breathe again, and with that, you’ve returned from The Physical World.

The Physical World isn’t a perfect album, and if the listener isn’t a leftover fan from the band’s rookie years, then it’s not going to draw them in with the same allure that YAWIAM was able to do for so many. In the case of The Physical World, the attempt at sonic exploration typical of any band coming back from a long hiatus re-sults in four overambitious songs that could easily be relegated to a B-sides compilation. During songs where the band doesn’t reach as far and holds their signature sound close to the hip, the resulting sonic blasts are powerful and pummeling, while simultaneously sum-moning your foot into a quick tap. The main gripe with YAWIAM is the album’s overall “same-ness”; the band had mastered a sound that, although effective, was a bit lacking in diversity, compelling listeners to stick to their favourite three or four songs. The Physical World’s attempts at diversity are well-intentioned, but with the exception of the titular track, fall f lat.

LIFE AFTER DEATHANTHONY BURTONNEWS EDITOR

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JUNGLE@ DANFORTH MUSIC HALL

CAT POWER @ DANFORTH

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CHARLI XCX@ HOXTON

CLOUD NOTHINGS@ LEE’S PALACE

THE ORWELLS@MOD CLUB

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FOXYGEN@ MOD CLUB

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Dear Dr. Earneste,Frosh week was totally wild, and I went to more

parties than I could count. At one of them, I met this really cute guy, but now I don’t remember his name or anything about him, really. All I know is that he liked long walks on the beach and holding hands. I don’t know where to start looking for him, but I think he’s my soulmate! Can you help me?Hungover Romantic

Dear Hungover Romantic,We all know that if someone does not have a

Facebook account, they don’t really exist. We also know that the beauty of social media is that you can stalk elusive soulmates without them even knowing (unless you insist on commenting with words like “baby” and “lover” on all their pictures). We also know that Google provides answers to the most obscure questions—even those we did not know we were asking because we aren’t omniscient (or pathological liars, or dramatic over-exaggerators, or ad-covered—usually), as Google clearly is. I suggest you google something like “long guy walks hands on beach holding my soulmate” and remember that if it’s meant to be, Fate will provide the omniscient Google with your future husband’s Facebook page. If it doesn’t, I’m sorry, but he doesn’t exist.

Dear Dr. Earneste,My chem lab was totally boring, but the guy sitting

in the front row? Swoon! The only problem is, he is always so focused on what the TA is saying that I can’t get him to so much as look at me. Do I need to brew a love potion to work out the chemistry between us?I Only Know H2O

Dear I Only Know H2O,I only know H2O too. But that should be enough.

There’s that Whole Idea that the guy is supposed to be the one who does the saving, but there’s also the New Whole Idea that the girl is no longer the damsel in distress—at least not really? I guess that means we don’t really need each other. Still, remember Tangled and Frozen? They pulled it off. Anyway, who’s to say that the prince in all those old Disney movies didn’t cause the problem in order to win his maiden’s heart? If you have a bottle of water, and I assume you do, wait until either the beginning or end of class and make sure you spill it on the ground before Swoon’s feet without him seeing you do it. If he slips, you’ll have officially (and literally) swept him off his feet (at least the “off his feet” part, haha), and then you’ll also be there to rescue him, comfort him, etc... If he doesn’t slip, it’s still a good conversation starter. Win-win.

Dear Dr. Earneste,My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up, but I have no

idea what to get her. We’ve only been dating for a month now, so I don’t know her well enough to think of some super romantic gift, but I can’t just go with a pen and a coupon to the grocery store, can I? (That’s all I have right now.) Please help!Bemused and Broke

Dear Bemused and Broke,Girls like jewelry, and they also like promises,

preferably those that come with diamonds involved—how else are they to know you mean it? Ever heard the saying “it’s the thought that counts”? Remember what your parents told you when you were a penniless kid and wanted to get them a gift? If yours were like mine, they probably told you that something you make is better than anything you can buy (really what they meant is

that searching for nickels on the ground won’t add up to the kind of cash you’d need to get them anything they might actually want). I suggest you go do some mining, some cutting and faceting, and some welding. It won’t cost you anything (legalities are not my area of concern), and it will definitely be meaningful. Oops, is that considered romantic? Whatever happened to, you know, diving right in? Being chivalrous? You can substitute the diamond for an emerald if you feel it’s too early to propose. Emeralds are the stone of eternal love, anyway.

Dear Dr. Earneste,Whenever I go to Pratt, I see a lot of cute girls

studying, but I never know if I should try to introduce myself. Will they be annoyed if I distract them from their work? Would I have more of a chance if I accompanied my greeting with a snack from the vending machine?Library Lover

Dear Library Lover,I am glad you understand about snacks. Snacks are

important. In fact, snacks are Step Number One when it comes to finding yourself a girl. Or being found, whichever you prefer. Poetry also helps. In fact, I think you should be handing out something like this:

Pick your favourite: - Cookies [What kind? _________]- Chips [Brand? _______ Flavour? _______]- Gummies- Something Healthy [What? ____________]- Other: Make sure to collect completed request forms (it’s

like you’re co-writing verse!). If you’re lucky, you will get names, pictures, and/or numbers to help you out when you deliver the goods. If not, I hope you have a good memory.

Ask Dr. Earneste: REASONABLE ADVICE

FOR THE BUSY UNDERGRAD

NIKA GOFSHTEIN

Everywhere from Tinsel Town to the Gaza Strip to Libe-ria, the buzzword of the summer was certainly “death”. Or “dying”. Or “sad (because of all these deaths)”. My own home was no exception, as my grandmother passed away in June. Going through such a loss, one quickly learns that the average person is not super well-adjusted to handling interactions with people in mourning. It’s like August: Osage County didn’t solve ANYTHING. In an effort to combat this, I’ve drawn up a list of “do”s and “do not”s for consoling people in grief. While the tips are based of stuff that happened to me personally, I like to think they have universal ap-plications.

DO always express how sorry you are at the de-ceased’s passing.

DO NOT express relief that they “are in a better place”. If they are in another place at all, it’s odd to suggest that the place where the dearly departed is free of their family is “better”.

DO offer a plate or two of prepared food to the fam-

ily or, if you are close, offer to cook an entire meal one day.

DO NOT come to the house with a basket of food and a box containing 90 fresh eggs because holy crap, 90? We’re not a mess hall, sir. That is altogether too many eggs.

DO offer up fond memories you have of the depart-ed if the mood is right.

DO NOT compliment too heavily the appearance of family members or comment on one’s lack of resem-blance to the majority of their family, suggesting they were “brought in by the milk man”, because none of them are going for a look that says “I’m rocking this dress” or “I know my birth parents”.

DO feel free to say nothing, rather than break what you perceive to be an awkward silence.

DO NOT give them 90 eggs. Like, they get that your family owns an egg farm, but if they needed that many they would ask, y’know? If you are offering them eggs in a container other than “a normal-sized carton”, stop.

DO offer equal respect and sympathy to every fam-ily member.

DO NOT, no matter how well-meaning or necessary

you think it is, take one family member aside and say that they were closer or more important to the depart-ed than others because wow, there are just so many nicer things to say, probably including what you actual-ly meant if you really think it through.

DO offer to help only to the extent you are able or willing.

DO NOT give them more eggs than they can realis-tically store in a standard-sized fridge, forcing them to run a third of them down to a soup kitchen, because you are now just inconveniencing the family. You went past helpful (or even neutral) to cumbersome by giving them a chore, as if they didn’t already have a bunch of chores because they are organizing a funeral.

DO put yourself in their shoes: when did you ever need 90 fresh eggs? Maybe for a comically over-the-top prank? Maybe you worked at McDonald’s and ten base-ball teams came in at once, every one of them demand-ing an Egg McMuffin? DOES ANY OF THAT SOUND LIKE WHAT THE FAMILY OF THE RECENTLY DE-CEASED MIGHT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM BE GOING THROUGH?

DO NOT give them any eggs at all. There. Simple.

14 EGG-CELLENT TIPS FOR COMFORTING MOURNING FAMILIES

NEIL MACISAACSTAFF WRITER

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Illustration by Toronto-based illustrator Brandon Celiwww.brandonceli.com

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