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Codependency Understanding the cycle of

compliance and control

Micah Hammond, MAClinical Therapist

What is Codependency?

“an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged

exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”

-Robert Subby, Lost in the Shuffle: A Codependent Reality

Loss of Choice and Power

“It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability

to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. “- National Mental Health Association

...a dysfunctional relationship with the self

characterized by living through or for someone else.

Codependency is....

How does it get started?

Family experiencing emotional pain and

stress

Difficulty communicating or denial of problem

Learned repression of feelings leading to

defense mechanisms

Focus on “problem” person and

sacrificing of own needs

Dysfunction in the Family• Fear, anger & shame• Addiction• Perfectionism or pressure to

be perfect• Overly controlling or ultra-

responsible roles• Giving and resenting• Indirect communication• Difficulty asking for help• Abuse

Abuse: not just being hit

Abuse is any action that is harmful or controlling and that affects the well-being of another person.

•Violence and rage •Coercion and threats•Deliberate use of words or actions to belittle or shame•Unreasonable expectations •False affection •Offering of emotional or material ‘rewards’•Invasion or denial or privacy

How do I recognize codependency?

Three different patterns:1.Low self-esteem2.Compliance3.Control

“I had low self-esteem. I made poor choices. I never stood up for myself and put everyone before me. I was so needy for love, attention, affection...I did

whatever they wanted to get what I needed.”

Low Self-Esteem Patterns

• Pervasive sense of guilt• Not “good enough”• Embarrassed by praise• Don’t ask for needs or desires• Value other’s approval over own• Unlovable• Fall in love with anyone who

reaches out• Self-blame• Anxiety around intimacy

Compliance Patterns

• Compromise own values to avoid rejection or others’ anger

• Sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same

• Afraid to express differing opinion

• Falling apart so others will help• Remain in harmful situations too long• Accept sex when really want love

“All my life I slacked off and waited for

someone else to plot the course. Letting

myself become a doormat.”

Control Patterns• Attempting to “fix” others• Convince others what they “should” think/feel• Resentful when help is not welcomed• Give gifts with strings attached• Victimization or blaming• Have to be “needed”

“Being a victim and being in control was how I was

in power.”

Hidden Consequences

Emotional• Depression• Anxiety• Relationship dysfunctions• Cycling between

hyperactivity / lethargy

Physical• Gastro-intestinal

disturbances or ulcers• Migraine headaches• Non-specific rashes and skin

problems • High blood pressure • Insomnia or sleep disorders• Other stress related

physical illnesses

Role of Anxiety

Anxiety

World is dangerous. If I rely on someone whom I trust, then

fewer bad things will happen. I am not able to cope on my own.

Overdependence

World is dangerous. If I control everything

that happens and how others behave,

then less can go wrong.

Overcontrolling

How does overdependence become codependence?

So reliant on others they will always compromise

I can get used to getting my way

They value and need others

They make themselves available when others need company and fit in around them

They can make some people feel protective or superior

I like being needed and “fixing” your problems

I have a constant companion and don’t have to focus on my problems

I like having a purpose and saving you

Overdependent person Other person thinks...

How does overcontrolling create codependence?

Supervising too closely The world isn’t safe

Intrusive, wanting to know too many personal details

Making all the decisions, overriding decisions of others

Fixing the others’ problems

Overcontrolling person Other person thinks...

I have to tell you everything

I’m not capable of taking care of myself

There is something wrong with me

How can I do things differently?

• Redefine your relationship with yourself

• Accept yourself for what and who you are

• Communicate directly about your emotions

• Define what a healthy relationship looks like

• Don’t assume false roles• Don’t become the lifeline for

a needy partner or friend– assist that person in getting

the professional help he or she needs

Self Help v. Professional Help

Do• Find a support group and/or

therapist• Educate yourself• Talk with family, partner, or

friends• Realize that codependency

is just one aspect of a person

• Be patient – unlearning a pattern takes time

Don’t• Try to “fix” everything on

your own• Rely on books or other

people’s stories to guide recovery

• Add layers of guilt, shame or blame

Resources:• Codependent No More by

Melody Beattie

• Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie

• Doormats & Control Freaks by Rebekah Lewis

• Difficult Personalities by Helen

McGrath, PhD • Facing Codependence by Pia

Mellody

Questions:1. How did this information change your understanding of codependency?2. How does your family deal with emotional pain and stress in positive ways? In

negative ways?3. How do you express your anxiety in negative ways? In positive ways? 4. What are the codependent tendencies that show up in your relationships? What are

the independent tendencies? 5. What is a pattern that you would like to change between you and your child? What is

a strength that you can build on?

Thank you for joining us this evening!

• Your participation speaks volumes to the dedication and love you have for yourself and your families..

• Contact Information: micah@openskywilderness.com

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