What to look for while revising today

Avoid the word “you” Replacing it with “one” or “everyone” or “some

people” is not much better Staying in FIRST PERSON means telling the

readers about YOUR experiences, not trying to tell them about THEMSELVES or make GENERALIZATIONS.

WRONG: “I learned that you should never…” BETTER: “I learned that I need to…”

Vary your subjects and verbs I was living with my

cousin’s family. I was offered a

scholarship. I can remember how

cold it was. I felt like the

happiest person in the world.

My cousin’s family took me in.

The school offered me a scholarship.

The cold weather stung my cheeks.

Exhilarated, I felt like I could fly to the moon.

Smoothly transition Re-read the last sentence of a paragraph and

the first sentence of the following paragraph. Do they connect to each other?

Go beyond “Next,” “Additionally,” “After that,” “In conclusion,” “Finally,” etc.

Try to pick up a phrase from the last sentence of the paragraph and echo it in the first sentence of the next paragraph

Examples of conceptual transitions

“…When Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee met in the parlor of a modest house at Appomattox Court House, Virginia,...a great chapter in American life came to a close.    These men were bringing the Civil War to its virtual finish….”

“…What I did not know when I began researching the connection between radioactivity and genetic damage was that I would find the probably cause of my own family's battle with cancer and other health problems.    Hailing from Utah, the state known for its Mormon population's healthy lifestyle, my family has been plagued with a number of seemingly unrelated health problems.”

Final Touches Times New Roman, 1” margins, double spaced

Last Name #

Your Name

Miss Abbate

Honors American Literature

13 January 2015

My Essay: A Story