who is john scallop?
DESCRIPTION
The scriptTRANSCRIPT
Who is John Scallop?
By
Jake Ephros
1. INT. MORNING - BASEMENT
Mats and workout equipment lay on the floor.
JOHN SCALLOP, 15, does push-ups. His arms are solid columns,
in perfect form with the ground.
He finishes his last set of sit-ups and gets out of
position.
A timer near John goes off. He slowly falls out of plank
position. John unties his running shoes and takes out his
orthopedics. He carries them as he goes upstairs. c
2. INT. MORNING - JOHN’S KITCHEN
He enters his kitchen.
John puts a coffee capsule in his Coffee Machine and goes
into the sun-room.
John takes out a box that says, "Coolatta Cups". He takes a
cup out of the box.
John puts the cup in place and presses the start button. The
coffee goes into his cup.
John takes out sugar and pours a lot into the coffee. He
puts the sugar away and pours half and half that was already
out on the counter top in the coffee.
John then closes the freezer and takes his hand away.
(TIME LAPSE)
His hand comes back and opens the freezer. He takes out a
very cold coolatta.
John takes a sip of the drink.
SSSSSSSP
JOHN SCALLOP
Aahhh.
John sports aviators, a bike helmet and a fake handlebar
mustache. He walks to the back door and opens the garage
remotely. He stands outside in the cold winter morning.
2.
3. EXT. MORNING - BACK OF JOHN’S HOUSE
John, at average height and fairly fit wearing a sweatshirt
and jeans, takes another sip.
SSSSSSSP
JOHN SCALLOP
Love. In a cup. With sugar. And
Half n’ half.
Another sip.
SSSSSSSP
JOHN SCALLOP
(mutters to himself as he
walks out)
Every time. Better every time. Even
on Mondays.
Text on Screen: WHO IS JOHN SCALLOP?
John rides towards the gate on his bike. He rides quickly
into the gate. John gets out and opens the gate. It sticks a
bit. Finally, he opens it and gets back on his bike. He
bikes forward again and then stops to close the gate. He
rides out off his property into his street.
4. EXT. MORNING - SHORTCUT
John rides out of a parking lot. He stops his bike. John
gets off, puts his kick stand up and leaves his huge
backpack with his bike. He walks away from the bike and
checks if the coast is clear. He looks up at a tree house
behind a garage.
JOHN SCALLOP
Hah. Nobo-
A water balloon flies from the tree house. John attempts to
escape but gets hit anyway. He stands soaking wet looking up
at what seems to be nothing in the tree house.
JOHN SCALLOP
Why do you do this to me? Who are
you?
BOOMING VOICE (VO)
Who are you?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
JOHN SCALLOP
I’m John Scallop! I’d give you a
violation notice but you got my
ticket pad all wet! YOU DO THIS
EVERYDAY! Why?
John waddles back to his backpack. He looks if anyone is
around again and sees no one. Quickly, he changes his
clothes, pulling out the stuffing that made his large
backpack. John now wears a blue polo and blue jeans. He
stuffs his wet clothes in a plastic bag and hides it away.
He gets back on his bike. John tightens his helmet straps
and takes a sip of the coolatta again before riding off.
He starts going.
The hand of the "mystery person" in the tree house draws
back on a bow. The "mystery person" launches an arrow.
The arrow flies into the spokes of John’s bike and messes
him up. He falls down.
JOHN SCALLOP
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? Do you even
go to school? Jesus! It’s like you
just wait for me all day!
John takes out the arrow, throws it, gets the bike back up
and rides off to school.
5. INT. MORNING - BOY’S BATHROOM
John dries out his Ticket Pad under the hand dryer. John’s
friend MAC, enters. She is around the same age as John and
wears eccentric shoes.
MAC
Hoe bent vandaag u, John?
JOHN SCALLOP
What?
MAC
Dutch. For wazzup.
JOHN SCALLOP
Got soaked again.
MAC
By der Geheimnismann?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
JOHN SCALLOP
Mac, stop speaking in dutch!
MAC
It was German this time. For the
mystery man.
JOHN SCALLOP
Whatever. Yea, him. And since when
where you bilingual?
MAC
Multilingual actually. Dutch,
German, French, Spanish, Italian,
Portuguese and the ever boring
English. Correction, I am working
on being even more, lingual..
Speaking binary is hard, but you
know I can learn very easily.
JOHN SCALLOP
Binary?
MAC
The language of computers.
JOHN SCALLOP
Sure, by the way, are we not going
to address the fact that you’re in
the boy’s bathroom?
MAC
Nope.
The two start to leave the bathroom after the pad is dry and
go into House.
6. INT. MORNING - HOUSE
The two enter a large hallway which has lockers and four
classrooms branched off of it.
MAC
Anyway, tell me something to say in
binary!
JOHN SCALLOP
I am a nerd and am best friends
with a crazy awesome police
officer.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
MAC
1001 0 1 1101 0 100 wait, 1001 or
100 100... umm...
John walks away and Mac keeps talking. John enters his
Science Class.
7. INT. MORNING - SCIENCE CLASS
John sits in science class with his teacher, MRS. CALTON, in
her thirties and kind of strange, teaches the class.
John looks down at his notebook and then up at the board.
Mrs. Calton draws a picture of a cell on the board.
MRS. CALTON
Now this is the cell membrane. Is
that straight? No! It’s not!
She erases the picture very quickly and then draws another.
MRS. CALTON
There we go... WAIT NO!
She finds a slight mistake in the nucleus of the cell then
erases it. Mrs. Calton redraws the part.
MRS. CALTON
WEE! I GOT IT! Now, osmosis is the
transfer of water from a high
concentration to a low
concentration. So, if this cell is
in water,
She holds her nose and pretends to dive down in water.
MRS. CALTON
HAHA! And the cell has very little
water in it, the water will be
pushed in the cell. Naturally! By
OSMOOOOOSIS! How crazy is that?
JOHN SCALLOP
(mutters to self)
Not as crazy as you...
6.
8. INT. DAY - HALL NEAR BATHROOM
John is writing out a ticket on his Ticket Pad. It reads,
"Not Knowing an Officer". He rips it out.
KID
What is this for?
JOHN SCALLOP
You didn’t know my name.
KID
What?
John stuffs the ticket in the kid’s pocket and walks away.
KID
Do I pay anything!?
JOHN SCALLOP
It’s more of a moral lesson!
John puts his backpack down and checks to see if something
is in it. A large guy takes John by his collar while he
isn’t looking and shoves him into the bathroom.
9. INT. AFTERNOON - BATHROOM
He then hangs his pants, causing John to be upside down, by
a hook in a stall in the boys bathroom.
GUY
(in a deep voice)
Stop being annoying and giving
people tickets. You’re not a cop.
JOHN SCALLOP
Ha! You’ll be getting one once I’m
down from here!
The guy walks away and out of the bathroom.
JOHN SCALLOP
Really? C’mon! Poo.
John tries to get down. No one is around. He looks at his
watch.
JOHN SCALLOP
11: 45. I am not going to make
sixth period. Poo.
7.
10. INT. AFTERNOON - BATHROOM
John wakes up.
JOHN SCALLOP
Uh, my god.
John looks down at his watch again.
JOHN SCALLOP
(to himself)
1: 54? I definitely missed sixth.
Poo! Ugh. This is so annoying!
Wait, who’s here?
John hears two "tough" kids walk in the bathroom. He looks
underneath the bathroom door
JOHN SCALLOP
(to himself)
It’s Stuvy and Chil-chil.
11. INT. AFTERNOON - BATHROOM
Stuvy and Chil-chil
CHIL-CHIL
’EY STUVY! WHAT YOU DOIN’?
STUVY
I don’t know Chil-chil, what you
doin’?
CHIL-CHIL
Aksin’ you what you doin’!
STUVY
Me too, Chil-chil!
They both do a series of well-thought out hand slaps and
chest bumps. Stuvy then breaks out into a a dance. Chil-chil
points to him with one hand and the other hand holding his
pants up.
CHIL-CHIL
THAT’S MAH BOY STUVY! BREAK DANCAH
OF DA YEAR!
Stuvy finishes. The two friends high-five. John pretends to
gag, still inside of the stall, hidden from Stuvy and
Chil-chil’s view. He gets ready to shout out for help from
them. However, Chil-chil looks around and gets close to
Stuvy.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
CHIL-CHIL
(whispering)
What are you bringin’ again? I
gotta tell the boss.
STUVY
(whispering)
A pound.
John quietly closes his mouth and reaches for a pen and his
Ticket Pad to write down the information he is hearing.
CHIL-CHIL
No, of what?
STUVY
Man, the All-American drug.
CHIL-CHIL
What?
STUVY
You know, Henry VIII?
CHIL-CHIL
What?
STUVY
C’mon! Aunt Nora, Beam, Bernie’s
flakes, Billie hoke, Bolivian
marching powder, California
cornflakes, Charlie, Foo-foo dust,
Gift-of-the-sun, Inca message,
Oyster stew, Peruvian lady,
Scorpion, Star-spangled powder,
Zip?
John writes ridiculously quickly while Chil-chil ponders
what those terms mean.
CHIL-CHIL
You mean coc-
STUVY
DON’T SAY IT OUT LOUD! Hey, what
time?
CHIL-CHIL
Next Saturday at 2:30 a.m., duh,
man.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
STUVY
Cool, where? I forgot to put it in
my palm pilot.
CHIL-CHIL
Hold on.
Chil-chil takes out a PDA with a stylus. He searches for the
place. John dons a particularly confused face.
CHIL-CHIL
George’s Park. It’s the only place
we can get to Friday night and
Saturday morning, ya know?
STUVY
Yea, boy. Thanks, homesauce!
CHIL-CHIL
No problemo, broham!
John keeps writing stuff down. He finishes and puts it in
his pocket while Stuvy and Chil-chil walk away. The same guy
who hung up John comes back and swings the door open. John
falls out.
JOHN SCALLOP
Thanks a lot!
Mac enters.
MAC
There you are, 001-
JOHN SCALLOP
Shut up.
MAC
Where were you all day?
John points to the stall.
MAC
All day? You must have horrible
bowels.
JOHN SCALLOP
I was locked in there, dude.
However, when I was in there, no
one noticed me so I overheard Stuvy
and Chil-chil talking about a drug
deal that is going to go down on
next Friday.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.
MAC
OK.
JOHN SCALLOP
I need to stop it!
MAC
OK, John. Listen. You work out. But
that doesn’t make you a cop!
John attempts to interject.
MAC
And neither does wearing a fake
handle bar mustache and aviators
while doing "bike patrol" and
drinking coolattas. You are in high
school!
JOHN SCALLOP
How else am I going to become a
cop, man? By just waiting until I
am old enough?
MAC
Yes.
JOHN SCALLOP
You don’t understand, Mac.
MAC
Would you earnestly dispute my
superior level of comprehension?
JOHN SCALLOP
You don’t get it because you do not
aspire to be anything!
MAC
That’s just because I aspired to be
things when I was six. Now I am
them.
JOHN SCALLOP
I am taking down this drug
operation, and you are helping! It
will be a sure-fire win!
MAC
Why me?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
JOHN SCALLOP
Because you’ll have nothing better
to do on a Friday night. Also, I
know your weakness.
MAC
What’s that?
JOHN SCALLOP
I don’t think you can do it.
MAC
Excuse me?
JOHN SCALLOP
I don’t think Mac Tosh can hack the
PDA’s of the school gangs. I mean
even though its basically the most
elementary thing ever. I am pretty
sure Dan Quail once -
MAC
What are their names again?
JOHN SCALLOP
Good boy. I control you. Win.
They start to walk out the bathroom.
12. EXT. AFTERNOON - SHORTCUT
John rides towards the parking lot near the shortcut with
the tree house. He goes to where he left his wet clothes
from the morning. He picks up the plastic bag and rides off.
13. EXT. AFTERNOON - BACK OF JOHN’S HOUSE
John takes the remote to open the garage outside and presses
it. He wheels his bike into the opening shed. He then walks
back and closes the door to the garage.
14. INT. AFTERNOON - JOHN’S KITCHEN
John enters the back of his house, puts the remote back in
it’s cup and shuts the back door. He reads a note on the
table. It says, "Hope school was good, J! Mommy misses you!
Don’t do anything bad, Grandma will be stopping by a lot
while I’m in Copenhagen. See you next Sunday! XOXO".
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
JOHN SCALLOP
Love you, too. Ooo, coolatta time.
15. INT. AFTERNOON - JOHN’S ROOM
John walks upstairs into his room with his coolatta and an
Easy Mac. He sings in the tune of the Sanford and Sons theme
song.
JOHN SCALLOP
Home alone, home alone and got no
homework. That’s right, no
homework, and Grandma’s just gonna
sleep. She won’t bother coming over
here! Doo doo doo doo doo... OH MY
GOD! I REMEMBERED TO TIVO COPS!
WIN!
John takes a big sip of his coolatta.
SSSSSSSP
He runs back downstairs.
16. INT. AFTERNOON - JOHN’S TV ROOM
John hums the theme of Cops while it plays on the TV. The
phone rings. John pauses TiVo.
JOHN SCALLOP
Hello?
MAC (VO)
Hey, John.
JOHN SCALLOP
Mac, what’s the win?
MAC (VO)
Because we have absolutely no
homework over the weekend-
JOHN SCALLOP
Win.
MAC (VO)
Stop saying that. Well, because we
have none, I have had all afternoon
to trace Stuvy’s and Chil-chil’s
PDAs. I currently have access to
each IP Address they have used and
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.
MAC (VO) (cont’d)will have access to any they will
ever use. I have all of their
information on my computer.
JOHN SCALLOP
Isn’t that illegal?
MAC (VO)
You have to do illegal things to
stop illegal things.
JOHN SCALLOP
I guess you are right. Can’t make a
fox without sour grapes.
MAC (VO)
Shut up. My point is, what now? I
have the who, what, when, where and
why, John. I know the W’s of
stopping them, but you need to tell
me the H, the how.
JOHN SCALLOP
The plan: We will assemble a team
of ridiculously trained soldiers
that by the end of the next week
will be able to break apart any
drug operation. This team must
consist of a "techy" mind, you, a
fighter, a pair of "eyes in the
sky" and me, the brains of the
squad.
MAC (VO)
Aren’t I the brains?
JOHN SCALLOP
You know, the holder-together-er,
the brawn.
MAC (VO)
Wouldn’t the brawn be the fighter?
JOHN SCALLOP
Why must you be so intrusive all
the time?
MAC (VO)
That was an incorrect usage of that
word.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.
JOHN SCALLOP
You sure?
MAC (VO)
Who are you talking to?
JOHN SCALLOP
True. Anyway, I was looking for
some information about people that
would want to team up with us and I
believe I got a guy.
MAC (VO)
Who?
JOHN SCALLOP
His name is Richard.
17. EXT. AFTERNOON - RICHARD’S STREET
John pulls up to a house. He gets off his bike and takes a
sip of the day’s third coolatta. Mac gets dropped off at the
same house. John looks at a note, checking if the house is
correct. He nods to Mac and they go up to the house. John
rings the doorbell.
18. INT. AFTERNOON - RICHARD’S HOUSE
The door automatically opens. The house looks dark and
empty. Mac and John stare at each other. Sweat trickles down
John’s faux ’stache. They walk through the dim house.
MAC
I don’t like this, John. It’s
creepy and upsetting.
JOHN SCALLOP
C’mon! Show this house who wears
the goddamn pants! Brave up.
MAC
I actually hate you so much.
JOHN SCALLOP
Indeed.
They find a room with a rolling chair facing backwards.
15.
19. INT. AFTERNOON - RICHARD’S ROOM
The chair turns around. RICHARD, 15, tall, lanky and mean,
faces John and Mac. He holds a cat.
RICHARD
I’ve been expecting you.
John slowly removes his glasses.
JOHN SCALLOP
We were expecting you. So we both
win. But I do more.
Richard now holds a different cat.
RICHARD
Yes, well, what do you want of me?
John wipes the sweat from his brow.
JOHN SCALLOP
I heard of you. I heard you were
into fighting the gangsters and
scum that fill this town with
godless terror.
Richard now holds a plastic zebra.
RICHARD
I do enjoy the little things, yes.
MAC
Anyway, we have information on a
drug deal that is going down on
Friday.
JOHN SCALLOP
What do you aspire to be, friend?
RICHARD
A superhero.
JOHN SCALLOP
Ah, indeed. Superhero, this could
be our chance to stop the gangs
from trading drugs and stuff.
RICHARD
I love it. What do we do?
Mac whispers in John’s ear.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.
MAC
He seems to be a little insane. Are
you sure he should be in?
JOHN SCALLOP
Exactly. He’s perfect, fitting
right in with our insanity. HAHA!
However, neither of you, yes
neither, are truly in.
MAC
What?
RICHARD
Explain this footling dogma.
JOHN SCALLOP
Well, we need a squad of four and I
know the perfect person. That
person is, how should I put this,
extremely hard to get.
MAC
Der Geheimnismann?
JOHN SCALLOP
Yes, the mystery man.
20. EXT. AFTERNOON - SIDEWALK
John rides his bike with Mac and Richard on the back.
21. EXT. AFTERNOON - SHORTCUT
John, Mac and Richard all arrive on John’s bike at the tree
house.
JOHN SCALLOP
Remember the plan, act like we
surrender, then strike when he’s
vulnerable! It is the only way he
will join the squad, through his
own defeat.
They all look up at the tree house.
JOHN SCALLOP
I am about to sing a beautiful song
so we can unite!
Mac and Richard look at John, confused.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.
JOHN SCALLOP
One love! One heart! Let’s get
together and feel alright! My point
is, I surrender! We all do!
MAC
He hasn’t ever bothered us, Jo-
JOHN SCALLOP
The truth of this white flag will
set us free! For all of eternity!
While John says this, a kid runs in with a PVC pipe without
either of the three noticing.
JOHN SCALLOP
Where is he?
WAHFFFFFFFFFP!
JOHN SCALLOP
AH! OH MY GOD!
The kid hit John in the leg. Richard and Mac stare in awe
while the kid runs away.
JOHN SCALLOP
SON OF A POO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
22. INT. NIGHT - JOHN’S BASEMENT
John, Mac and Richard all gather in John’s basement. Workout
equipment is scattered around the floor.
JOHN SCALLOP
Change of plans. We are going to
have to work with only three
people. Obviously, we cannot get
the Mystery Man.
John’s leg has a ridiculously large bruise.
MAC
What are going to do then?
JOHN SCALLOP
Train.
MAC
But I am not go-
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.
JOHN SCALLOP
Yea you are just going to build
robot stuff.
MAC
Awesome.
Mac goes to a table with electronic parts while Richard and
John do push-ups.
JOHN SCALLOP
(while doing push-ups)
So, a super-hero, huh?
RICHARD
(while doing push-ups)
Yep.
JOHN SCALLOP
(while doing push-ups)
With what powers?
RICHARD
(while doing push-ups)
All of them.
JOHN SCALLOP
(while doing push-ups)
So what’s with the, uh, fancy
shoes?
RICHARD
(while doing push-ups)
Spying purposes.
John and Richard stop.
JOHN SCALLOP
You’re a spy? I thought you were a
super hero.
RICHARD
Both. Why do you think I joined you
guys? I’ve been working on this
case for my entire career.
JOHN SCALLOP
How long has that been?
RICHARD
About twenty-six years.
John raises one eyebrow.
19.
23. INT. NIGHT - JOHN’S ROOM
An Erik Estrada poster hangs on the wall. Richard and John
spar with nun-chucks and some body armor that would be used
in a boxing match. Mac is on the computer. Google Earth is
open and Mac is exploring different areas, creating blue
prints for a plan.
John hits Richard in the face with
the weapon.
JOHN SCALLOP
Oh! Sorry, man!
Richard whacks John’s stomach.
JOHN SCALLOP
Ouf!
Richard sends a barrage of hits to John’s face.
RICHARD
No one messes with the tiger.
JOHN SCALLOP
Too bad you aren’t A TIGER!
John ducks and delivers an uppercut to Richard’s chin with
the nun-chucks. Richard fixes his jaw and looks John
straight in the eye.
RICHARD
Dulce.
MAC
It’s touche: a term that in popular
culture connotes acknowledgment to
a well-constructed response in
usually an argument or debate. The
denotation originates from the
French word that is a term used in
fencing. Dulce is just Spanish for
sweet.
RICHARD
Exactly. That move was... sweet.
MAC
What a fool... But check this out,
guys.
Mac calls John and Richard over and shows them the
schematics he has been drawing out.
20.
24. EXT. AFTERNOON - BENCH
John sits down on a bench, eating lunch. He is wearing his
mustache and glasses. A kid walks near him.
KID 2
What are you supposed to be?
JOHN SCALLOP
HA!
John puts down his lunch and takes his ticket pad. He writes
a ticket.
JOHN SCALLOP
This is for not knowing who I am.
KID 2
Wow. You’re a loser.
JOHN SCALLOP
Actually I am a cop.
KID 2
If you’re a cop, where’s your
badge?
JOHN SCALLOP
On my bike.
KID 2
Where’s your bike?
JOHN SCALLOP
Right the-
John notices his bike is being stolen.
JOHN SCALLOP
By the gods, I’ve been hoodwinked!
Halt you illicit ninny!
John runs and chases the person but cannot catch up. The kid
who talked to him smirks and starts eating John’s sandwich.
25. EXT. DAY - TRACK
John finishes a sprint and bends down, holding his knees,
out of breath. He wears a sweat band and leg warmers. He
checks his pulse.
21.
26. INT. NIGHT - JOHN’S ROOM
John, in his PJs, walks to his bed. He gets in and pulls the
cover over himself. Closing his eyes, he remembers his bike
being stolen. He opens his eyes.
27. INT. MORNING - JOHN’S KITCHEN
John is in his kitchen. He waits for his coolatta in the
freezer. He looks at his watch.
JOHN SCALLOP
Five... four... three... two...
DING DONG DINNER’S DONE!
He takes the coolatta out of the freezer. He sips it.
SSSSSSSP
JOHN SCALLOP
Aahhh.
John gets a text from Mac.
JOHN SCALLOP
Meet me at Richard’s house. ASAP.
Huh. I’ll get on my bike! OH WAIT
-sigh-
28. EXT. DAY - RICHARD’S STREET
John arrives at Richard’s house. He goes up and rings the
doorbell. Mac and Richard come around the driveway.
RICHARD
Hey!
JOHN SCALLOP
Oh, hey guys. What’s up?
Mac reveals a brand new bike. John removes his glasses
slowly.
JOHN SCALLOP
By god. That’s awesome!
MAC
Happy Birthday! Complete with
walkie-talkie system, too.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.
JOHN SCALLOP
You remembered my birthday, for
serious! Thank you so much guys!
This is totally amazing!
RICHARD
Wakadasmaka!
JOHN SCALLOP
What?
RICHARD
It means awesome, the bike is
awesome!
JOHN SCALLOP
Yeah! It is!
John high fives Mac and Richard and gets on the bike.
29. INT. DAY - HALL WITH LOCKERS
Richard and Mac walk down the hall together, testing out the
walkie-talkie system. Mac shows Richard how to turn things
on and off. Stuvy and Chil-chil walk down the halls as well
in the opposite direction. Stuvy knocks the system out of
Mac’s hands.
RICHARD
HEY! We were going to use that to
bust-
MAC
(to Richard)
You stupid! That’s them!
MAC
(to Stuvy and Chil-chil)
Nothing, guys. We will just be on
our way.
CHIL-CHIL
How do we know dat?
RICHARD
(to Mac but out loud)
Wait why are we lying to them? We
can get them on our side.
RICHARD
(to Stuvy and Chil-chil)
What we are going to do is-
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.
Mac slaps Richard.
MAC
We are playing a game. I have to
slap him at random intervals. There
is only one variable in it; his
stupidity. I have to slap him if
his stupidity level fits the
equation h=1s over 2b, the s being
a unit of stupidity, the b being a
unit of brain power and the h being
my hand. In Layman’s terms; if he
makes one or more stupid move per
two smart moves he gets the hand.
But some times it’s just random.
Mac slaps Richard. Stuvy and Chil-chil huddle. Richard
realizes who they are. Mac and Richard start to walk away
slowly.
STUVY
I think I know what dey were
talkin’ about. You know in math
class where it was like x equals
four?
CHIL-CHIL
I think.
STUVY
Yea, it’s like dat, kinda.
Mac and Richard start running.
STUVY
He did say bust... You don’t think
dey were talkin’ about our thang do
you?
CHIL-CHIL
LOOK! THEY BE RUNNIN’, HOMIE!
Stuvy and Chil-chil run after them and being much faster,
get Richard. But Mac escapes.
RICHARD
(crazily over-exaggerating)
NOOOOO! PLEASE! STOP! NOOOOOOOOOO!
24.
30. INT. AFTERNOON - GANG HIDEOUT
Not much light reveals the silhouette of a person sitting in
a chair. Her face cannot be identified. Stuvy enters.
STUVY
Boss C-
WOMAN
What?
STUVY
We caught a guy. His name is
Richard. He said he’ll give up any
information as long as we don’t
take away his super powers, whateva
dat means...
WOMAN
Well?
STUVY
He said that his friends and him
were trying to stop the drug deal.
WOMAN
WHAT?
STUVY
His friend is John... um... some
kind of seafood.
WOMAN
I think I know who this punk is.
STUVY
I’ll get him on the phone in a sec.
WOMAN
Good. Apparently he doesn’t know
who he’s dealing with.
31. EXT. AFTERNOON - STREET
John is walking down the street to his bike (in a bike rack)
while doing an odd dance and singing.
JOHN SCALLOP
I’m... like... a robot. DUH DUH DUH
DUH DUH. I’m... -
John receives a phone call.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.
JOHN SCALLOP
Oh, its Richard.
John answers it.
JOHN SCALLOP
Hey, Richard.
WOMAN (VO)
(disguised, deep voice)
We have your friend. This is real.
Listen.
-Gun cocking-
WOMAN(VO)
(disguised, deep voice)
Now fire.
-Gun fire-
WOMAN (VO)
(disguised, deep voice)
Believe me. Your friend is at my
disposal. Unfortunately, we know
you know our position. So, be here
by nine o’clock tonight to pick up
this kid. Or else. Also if the
police arrive, your friend’s head
will be splattered on the cops’
uniforms. HAHA!
RICHARD (VO)
PLEASE JOHN!
WOMAN (VO)
Shut up!
The line is terminated.
JOHN SCALLOP
OH MY GOD!
Mac runs in.
MAC
JOHN! JOHN! Richard IS-
JOHN SCALLOP
I JUST GOT A CALL SAYING RICHARD’S
GONNA DIE!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.
MAC
I KNOW! WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM! Let’s
call the cops!
JOHN SCALLOP
They said of there are cops,
Richard would be shot!!!
MAC
Then we have to do it ourselves!
JOHN SCALLOP
Are you insane? THIS JUNK JUST GOT
REAL! There was a gun, man! A gun!
He’s so dead! They want us to be
there at nine! PROBABLY SO THEY CAN
KILL US!
MAC
Well then we’ll go prepared, ready
to strike, like all the plans that-
JOHN SCALLOP
We could be killed, man! As in NOT
LIVING ANYMORE.
MAC
But we have to, he’s part of our
squad. And you’re a cop.
JOHN SCALLOP
I’m not a cop, dude! What have I
ever done that defined me as a
police officer?
MAC
But didn’t you go to Junior
Officers or whatever?
JOHN SCALLOP
So? I can’t save someone from a
gang hideout where crazy people
with guns and crazy people
drinking... crack are! There are
lunatics there, man! We can’t do
it.
MAC
I thought we could.
JOHN SCALLOP
Shut up, man. No way.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.
MAC
I’m your best friend. And so is
Richard. We are because you were
this awesome dude who knew he was a
kick-butt officer.
JOHN SCALLOP
I’M NOT!
MAC
Well, Richard needs him. So, who is
he? Who are you? Who is John
Scallop?
John rolls his eyes and gets on his bike. He rides off.
32. INT. AFTERNOON - GANG HIDEOUT
Inside the gang hideout, Richard is tied up. Mrs. Calton
hangs up the phone.
MRS. CALTON
TWIST! Right?
RICHARD
Why, Mrs. Calton?
MRS. CALTON
Yup, funny old me is running the
drug operation using her students
to make an enormous profit! WEEEEE!
WHERE’S MY BLOW?!?
Stuvy runs in.
STUVY
We have none now but-
MRS. CALTON
WAAHH!
Stuvy runs away scared.
MRS. CALTON
We’ll just have to leave you here
until your friends show up and the
deal is over with! And we’ll be
eyen’ you when you send we, we send
we, back send, you, we. We’ll
always be watching! Woa!
Mrs. Calton leaves.
28.
33. INT. AFTERNOON - JOHN’S KITCHEN
John slams the door shut. He goes to the sun room and gets a
coolatta cup. He puts it in the coffee machine. John presses
the on button. Nothing happens. He does it again. Nothing.
He keeps on trying rapidly but it refuses to turn on. John
drops to his knees. He looks up at the ceiling.
JOHN SCALLOP
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
He gets up and throws the cutting board.
34. INT. AFTERNOON - JOHN’S LIVING ROOM
JOHN SCALLOP
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
John throws a pillow across the room.
35. INT. AFTERNOON - JOHN’S BASEMENT
JOHN SCALLOP
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
John throws his workout equipment across the room.
36. INT. AFTERNOON - JOHN’S DINING ROOM
JOHN SCALLOP
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
John throws a chair across the room.
37. INT. AFTERNOON - OUTSIDE OF JOHN’S BATHROOM
JOHN SCALLOP (VO)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
-FLUSH-
-WASHING OF HANDS-
ZZZZZZZP
John walks out of the bathroom.
29.
38. INT. AFTERNOON - JOHN’S BEDROOM
John cries into his pillow and looks at his Erik Estrada
poster.
JOHN SCALLOP
(sobbing)
What would you do, Erik?
Erik Estrada comes out of the poster, but he doesn’t really
look like Eric Estrada. At all.
ERIK ESTRADA
I would do what’s right.
JOHN SCALLOP
ERIK ESTRADA?
ERIK ESTRADA
Yes it is I.
JOHN SCALLOP
Wait, you’re not Erik Estrada.
ERIK ESTRADA
That doesn’t matter. I am here to
tell you that you must be a cop.
Whether you are fourteen or forty,
you can be a cop. You don’t need a
real mustache to do what a cop
does. You can do anything that any
other police officer can do,
understand?
JOHN SCALLOP
I guess.
ERIK ESTRADA
Do you understand?
JOHN SCALLOP
But what if I fail? I could die!
ERIK ESTRADA
You have to be able to stand up and
do hard things to make sure what’s
right is delivered. Justice, truth,
REDEMPTION!!!
JOHN SCALLOP
Thanks, Erik!
Erik fades back into the poster. John gets up and runs out
of his room.
30.
39. EXT. AFTERNOON - TREE HOUSE
Mac, rubbing her head and sad, sits alone in her room,
fretting about what to do regarding Richard. Her
walkie-talkie buzzes.
JOHN SCALLOP (VO)
Skywatch this is Hellbird, do you
read?
MAC
John?!?
JOHN SCALLOP (VO)
Hellbird, please.
MAC
YES! YOU’RE BACK!
40. EXT. AFTERNOON - STREET
John talks to Mac while biking with the radio.
JOHN SCALLOP
Yessir. Would you mind sending the
location to me? I’m about to blow
their Popsicle stand. And I’m
sorry, man.
MAC (VO)
It’s all good.
41. EXT. AFTERNOON - GANG HIDEOUT
John arrives at the place. He takes a deep breath. He gets
off the bike. John is about to fix his mustache. He sighs
and rips it off. He throws it on the grounds. He picks up a
plank of wood from outside.
JOHN SCALLOP
Skywatch, this is Hellbird. I’m
going in.
MAC (VO)
Hellbird, this is Skywatch. I will
be there in a couple minutes. Are
you going to wait?
JOHN SCALLOP
No. There’s no time. I know I can
do this.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 31.
John goes to the door and knocks on it. He hides under where
a slot is in the door. The slot opens.
GRUNT
Password.
John gets up.
JOHN SCALLOP
Eat plank.
John hits the Grunt in the head through the open slot. He
gets knocked out and the door opens.
42. INT. AFTERNOON - GANG HIDEOUT
Two other grunts see John. They take out shotguns. In
unison, they cock the guns. John ducks and flings the plank
at one of their legs while running toward the two. That
grunt gets hit flies back his gun flies up and forward. John
catches it in mid-air. He immediately shoots up, startling
the other grunt. John plunges the butt of the gun into his
face. He gets knocked out. John re-cocks the gun.
JOHN SCALLOP
John Scallop, nice to meet you.
He runs to a room and finds a man eating his own arm.
JOHN SCALLOP
There ARE lunatics here.
CRAZY MAN
Are you the milk man? I want my
milk! I want mayonnaise on it, too!
John slowly closes the door. He goes to another door.
43. INT. AFTERNOON - GANG HIDEOUT (RICHARD’S ROOM)
Richard is tied up in the room. A guard watches over him.
John rushes in.
OVERWATCH
Hey!
John shoots the table. A piece of wood flies off of it. John
catches it and throws it in the overwatch’s gun. John flies
through the air and kicks the guard. He unties Richard.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 32.
JOHN SCALLOP
Hey! Well c’mon!
RICHARD
Hey!
John starts running out of the door. Richard stays to plug
in his head phones.
JOHN SCALLOP
What are you doing?
RICHARD
This is going to be quite epic, I
can tell. I’ve always wanted a
great chase scene with great chase
music!
JOHN SCALLOP
INDEED! BUT WE NEED TO GO!
They start to run out.
44. EXT. AFTERNOON - STREETS
John runs outside of a mansion holding a baby. He jumps
forward as the mansion behind him explodes.
45. EXT. AFTERNOON - STREETS
John and Richard actually run out of the gang hideout, being
followed by Mrs. Calton, Stuvy and Chil-Chil. John looks at
the baby in his arms and throws it away. Mac catches up with
them. Mrs. Calton, Stuvy and Chil-chil all follow John and
Richard. The man chewing his arm walks out of the building.
MRS. CALTON
GET THEM OR I WILL USE YOUR EYE
BALLS AS SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS!
STUVY
GET BACK HERE!
JOHN SCALLOP
Mac, contact the police now that we
have Richard.
MAC
Got it!
Mac opens his phone. They all continue to run. John fires
off the shot gun upwards while running.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 33.
JOHN SCALLOP
I don’t want to have to use this!
A dead bird falls down and knocks out the Chil-chil.
STUVY
HOMIE STATUS! NO!
Stuvy runs very quickly and catches up with Richard. He
pushes down Richard. Richard jumps up, turns around and
kicks Stuvy’s legs. He falls down. When Stuvy tries to get
back up, Richard roars like a tiger and tackles him. Richard
then picks Stuvy up and punches him directly in the face. He
falls again. Richard runs back to John and Mac.
Chil-chil returns in front of John. He punches John in the
face, causing his shot gun to fly out of his hands. John
gets right up and pulls out a sword. Chil-chil wields a
sword, too. They battle in the middle of the street. John
parries Chil-chil’s attack and knocks away both swords. John
quickly pulls out a note and a stapler. He staples the note
to Chil-chil’s head. The three run away from Chil-chil’s
moaning body. Mrs. Calton chases after, still.
The note on Chil-chil’s head reads, "Suck it".
MRS. CALTON
You kids are so failing Science!
JOHN SCALLOP
Hurry, behind there!
John points to a wall. He, Mac and Richard hide behind it.
In the middle of the street, Mrs. Calton searches for them.
She sees them.
MRS. CALTON
There you -
A car hits her. John, Mac and Richard stare at the place she
stood.
RICHARD
I am going to need some chamomile
to calm my nerves, man.
MAC
Woah.
JOHN SCALLOP
She got hit. Right there. By a car.
Boom.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 34.
The three get up and start walking. Police cars start to
come.
MAC
I am going to bring you to
Starbucks. Get you a proper coffee
drink!
RICHARD
TO LIFE TO LIFE, LACHIAM! LACHIAM
LACHIAM TO LIFE!
JOHN SCALLOP
Thanks guys. For everything.
John looks up and Erik Estrada’s face is formed in the
clouds. He winks. John jumps up in the air and kicks his
feet together.
STILL FRAME
A water balloon flies towards John and splatters all over
him. He falls down.
JOHN SCALLOP
Damn you tree house kid. Damn you.
BLACK
Words on Screen: (Credits)