WHY TWILIGHT SUCKS

(In a bad way, vampire goths)

Also, I’m afraid this report does contain spoilers.

Bella, “The Heroine”

• Bella is the main character of the book Twilight. The whole story is told from her point of view. Which means, basically, her going on and on about how hot Edward is. No thanks.

• Bella has wickedly advanced vocab for a, like, seventeen-year-old. Conveniently, this vocabulary all relates to sparkliness or toughness or hotness. Hmm… Some fans use this as a pro on their “Y Twilihgt Rox My Sox” list. (There is seriously a list like that. They can’t even spell Twilight right. But later on the Twitards.)

Continuing on Bella…

• But if you dumb down all the words that SMeyer stole from the thesaurus, it basically says, “OMG EdWaRd I love eDwArD he’s so hawtt! ♥♥♥How eloquent.

• Bella is loosely outlined in the book by a couple of qualities that at least one of which almost always apply to most girls. Clumsiness– I could name five friends off the top of my head who are at least a little clumsy. Squeamish around blood– myself not so much, but I do hate seeing it. Ever looked at a picture of Stephenie Meyer, then imagined how Bella looks? Brown hair, brown eyes… hmm.

And More Bella!

• Bella has… well, not no personality, not exactly, but she’s rather wooden and two-dimensional. Also, just a bit shallow. A little. The “not wanting to marry the guy you’re in love with and want to be with forever” bit. Sure, I understand she thought it would be awkward with her parents and all, but if you really love someone, it doesn’t matter that much. They could have worked it out.

≈╜ _ ╜≈

Edward (The Sexy Vampire)

I think Stephenie Meyer was trying to make Edward tragic. However, the tragic she achieved is probably not the tragic she was striving for.Edward creeps me out, to be frank. He watches Bella while she sleeps? Excuse moi? Come again?But what really gets to me is that the majority of the female teenage population think that it’s romantic.SAD.Edward, while also having very limited personality, has more personality than Bella. He’s got his Hero Complex* and he has the kind of personality where a person’s trying to act mysterious but really trying to get (Bella) to ask the right questions.

*Hero Complex- the “I’ve got to save/help everyone and if I don’t it’s all my fault” thing. Commonly found on Harry Potter and other epic boy heroes, comic book heroes, environmentalists, and really good leaders. The Hero Complex on Edward fits rather awkwardly because he has no other real personality.

The Couple (Meaning Ed and

Bells)• I… don’t really understand why

they fell in love in the first place. Both of them lack so totally in real personality that I find it difficult to understand why, if they are in LOVE, it is that they love each other. Well, other than this:

• Good looks can only get a couple so far into a relationship… or so I thought. This book sure proved me wrong.

The Morals

I really love bashing Twilight, and not just because the heroine is a weakling. I also don’t like the way the concept gets around. As mentioned in the previous slide, I can’t understand why Edward and Bella are “in love”, so that paired with the many extreme make-out sessions makes the whole relationship seem like a lusty infatuation. Of course, Stephenie Meyer passes this off as “true love”, and tons of readers believe her, so this is giving some teens the WRONG IDEA.Still don’t believe me?Quote: “I love Edward! I’m going to marry him and have his vampire babies!” (This was after I fixed the grammar.) Yes, some girls are joking. But others have confused Edward and Robert Pattison and are eerily convinced. Poor Rob. He doesn’t like Twilight either.

More on Morals

• Parents like Twilight and support their teens reading it because they are under the impression that it’s about abstaining. And it may be. I wouldn’t know; thankfully, I’m not Stephenie Meyer. But be that as it may, it seems adults can’t see the forest for the trees. Maybe it is about abstaining. But at the beginning of the book, Bella is portrayed as independent and competent; however, she soon meets Edward so we don’t know if it’s true or not. Once she discovers Edward, she needs him to breathe properly, can’t do anything for herself, and has to get saved by him every other day. Even Edward complained about the last bit.

The Twitards• Twitards… these are the fans that EVERYONE

hates except other Twitards. Now, don’t get me wrong– there are reasonable Twilight fans, some that I know and respect. These are the ones who don’t like the book simply because they think Edward is “hawtt”.

• The attitude you may have gathered from me is probably, “Twilight sucks. Twilight is stupid, and this is why…” And I totally stick with it all the way. But the book itself is nothing to the characters and the way the characters’ relationships mislead people. I mean, as a book, taking out all the reasons it SUCKS, sure the plot is pathetic but it’s not a completely worthless idea.

More on the Rabid Fans…

• The Twitards, however, make people who haven’t even read the book hate it. For instance, in the next slide is a typical conversation between a Twitard (although this one has a somewhat higher level of Internet intelligence than other Twitards) and an Anti* taken from WikiAnswers.

• Please note– the neutral argument is in green, the Twitard argument and reply is in orange, and the Anti argument is in purple.

• *An Anti is one who considers themselves part of the Anti-Twilight Movement, someone who dislikes the series, or someone who has started an Anti-Twilight campaign.

Why people like Twilight- a Discussion

• It is a romance-- which is always popular-- that crosses fantasy with the real world and most of all, the ordinary girl gets the perfect guy instead of some other pretty girl. It's most likely because people (girls) think the guys are hot. That's probably why there were so many people at the Meet-N-Greet with the stars.

• People (girls especially) like Twilight because it is descriptive and enchanting, and not just an ordinary Romance novel. I love the series myself... And yes, I agree that a lot of it is also because the boys in Twilight are most definitely hot. But I think that Bella (who is the "ordinary" girl) is not ordinary at all, and she is VERY pretty. But that is just me. Twilight IS amazing, people don't like a series for no reason!

• Twilight is nothing but a pathetic teenage girl's fantasy come true in over 500 pages of fluffy romantic crap that is highly unrealistic. Girls like it because vampires have sex appeal and they adore the idea of a bad boy with a soft heart & the element of danger only excites them more. Twilight is a horrible series and an even worse movie. Edward is a coward.

The Twitard’s Response to the Anti Argument

• Don't listen to that crap i think Twilight New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn are GREAT! and if you don't like Twilight don't say that you dont have to trash talk it itz a wast of time cuz no one will change their mind about what books they like and Edward is not a coward. WOW who would say that, oh i know the loser who typed that he's just jealous because Edward is flawless and he is probably like a nerd who haz no life. And they probably didn’t even read the series!

• Please note that the answers and responses were mildly edited to remove excessive swearing and offensive terms, although the orange argument above was kept completely unedited to show the lack of grammatical capability claimed by Twitards. Don’t lose heart, however! A minority group in the Twilight fandom is intelligent and its members are wonderful people to have over for a nice debate.

The Twitards are Dangerous, Too!• Recently there have been reports of what are now

deemed “Twitard Attacks” on even the most peaceful Antis. These attacks include having a heavy book bag hurled at someone who never read Twilight, an attempted pummeling between classes, an Anti being pushed down the stairs and receiving a broken ankle and mild concussion, an Anti getting harassed over the phone, an Anti being whipped with the power cord from her own laptop, an Anti’s friend being pushed off a bridge (if his friends hadn’t caught him he might’ve broken his neck), a little girl who read the book and didn’t like it having her goldfish murdered, a mouse murder, and a Barnes & Nobles employee who didn’t like Twilight having malicious lies told about her by three Twitards to her manager and thus getting her salary cut.

Stephenie Meyer (The Author)• Stephenie Meyer is not a good writer,

put quite simply. This means nothing, though! Tons of authors don’t necessarily write well, but their captivating characters and back flipping plots keep readers interested enough. However, nothing really happens in Twilight until “vampire baseball”, Chapter Seventeen, and Stephenie Meyer used way out of place vocabulary. (scintillating arms, incandescent chest, both of which mean sparkly) Also, her characters have little to no personality outside their love lives, Hero Complexes, and clumsiness.

Stephen King: “...Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good."

Meyer herself, finally having a good idea: “With writing, the way you feel changes everything. If I tried to write Midnight Sun now, in my current frame of mind, James would probably win and all the Cullens would die...”

The Ridiculous Adjectives• References to Edward's Beauty: 165

Broken Down into the following categories -

• Face: 24  (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)• Voice: 20  (The voice of an archangel.)• Eyes: 17• Movement: 11• Smile: 10• Teeth: 8• Muscles: 7• Skin: 7  (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't

count references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times larger.)

• Iron Strength or Limbs: 5• Breath: 4  (EVEN HIS BREATH IS AMAZING.)• Scent: 4• Laughter: 3• Handwriting: 2• Chest: 2• Driving Skills: 1

More on the Ridiculous Adjectives

• The list you just saw came from http://otahyoni.livejournal.com/130432.html#cutid1, and I found it very helpful as well as amusing.

• Favorites of Bella’s seem to be “glorious”, “heavenly”, “marble smooth”, “scintillating”, “incandescent”, “breathtaking”, and “beautiful”. Personally, I began to wonder halfway through the book whether Bella loved Edward or loved describing Edward.

• I love adjectives; they’re great fun! But no seventeen year old would talk like that. Heck, even if I had that vocabulary I wouldn’t talk like that, and you know how I love big words.

The Abuse of Vampire Lore• Vampires, burning in the sun? Don’t be ridiculous. Everyone knows

they sparkle, not collapse into a burning inferno. Psshhhh. Burning in the sun. *snorts* Seriously, though.

• By Wikipedia’s definition, a vampire is a undead mythological creature that “survives” off of drinking the life essence of a living human. Vampires were in most cases destroyed by staking in the stomach, chest, or mouth. Vulnerability to sunlight and fangs didn’t appear in myths until around the 19th century.

• Although Meyer ignores all things that in vampire folklore ward off vampires (rosary, holy water, garlic, wild rose branches) and tells readers that vampires sparkle and not burn, and says the only way to kill a vampire is to stick ‘em in the shredder and toss ‘em in the oven, and makes vampires sweet and cuddly even though they retain some “dangerousness”, she stays true to one thing in vampire folklore: the immortality.

Abuse of Vampire Lore, Part II

• I think that it would suck MAJORLY to be immortal, and I think Bella deserves any and all misery she gets from becoming a vampire. “Don’t get emotionally attached, they’ll die in fifty years, give or take, the silly mortals.” Don’t tell me that Bella has Edward and the Cullens to keep her company, I imagine with their flat personalities (except Alice and Jasper) and way-too-perfect and over-described skin, they would get boring fast. But again– it serves Bella right for being a helpless idiot.

• Stephenie Meyer herself admits that she did little research. When asked how much research she did on vampires BEFORE writing her novel, she replied, “I did research when Bella did.” (Page 133 of Twilight.)

In Which We Hear of More VampLore Abuse

• And even though Stephenie does claim to have done research as Bella did, and she certainly had some things seen on Wikipedia, the only questions Bella asks Edward about his SMampirism* are common myths that anyone has heard about– burning in sunlight, sleeping in coffins. And even on Wikipedia there wasn’t much about coffin-sleeping.

• However, each were mentioned, however briefly, and yet Meyer still discards them. So, what? Do we have no defense whatsoever against SMampires? They could kill us all in broad daylight, according to Meyer. But don’t worry. If Edward comes around, my M-16 is waiting for him.

Real, Actual, Professional Criticisms

• Kirkus Reviews: "[Twilight] is far from perfect: Edward's portrayal as monstrous tragic hero is overly Byronic, and Bella's appeal is based on magic rather than character.”

• Michele Catalano: “Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight is being hailed as the next Harry Potter, but in reality it’s just an emo song in literary clothing. With vampires.”

• Viewpoint.com Reviewer: "Meyer's prose is decent, but her plot and character development are so atrocious that even the most brilliantly-worded sentences couldn't save them."

A Comparison

• The most common question you’ll find on poll sites concerning Twilight (other than Team Ed or Team Jake) is Twilight vs. Harry Potter. Twilight wins a lot of these polls, because there are tons of obsessed Twitards who will name their kids Renesmee whether or not it’s a girl. If it were just the intelligent fans, Twilight would be nowhere NEAR as popular. So let me make a few points on the side of Harry Potter.

• Quidditch destroys baseball– yes, even if it’s really fast baseball.

• For those who’d like to argue that Edward/Jacob is hot, I’m really tired of being told that. So. THIS IS LITERATURE, NOT PORN. Sorry, Caps Lock.

More Comparisons

• So, now that we have come to an agreement on that hotness of a character is not a factor by which one should measure the quality of a book, we come to the issue of plot– Harry has it. Stephenie decided she didn’t need one in her vampire books.

Want to argue Harry’s case? Go to sodahead.com and make a free account, then join in the battle! Be warned, however: you will be cussed out and told that you are just jealous because you don’t sparkle.

*’s

*Hero Complex- the “I’ve got to save/help everyone and if I don’t it’s all my fault” thing. Commonly found on Harry Potter and other epic boy heroes, comic book heroes, environmentalists, and really good leaders. The Hero Complex on Edward fits rather awkwardly because he has no other real personality.

• *An Anti is one who considers themselves part of the Anti-Twilight Movement, someone who dislikes the series, or someone who has started an Anti-Twilight campaign.

• *A Twitard is a terrifyingly obsessed fan, the kind who’ll chuck something heavy at you if you haven’t read Twilight.

More *’s

• *SMampires- Stephenie Meyer’s vampires. The ones that sparkle.

For the Amusement of You and Me: Spontaneous Combustion, a non-

fanfiction.Bella Swan, after a strange combination of swooning, skipping, and tripping over mosquitos, finally arrived at a clearing that lead into what was possibly the most beautiful place she had ever seen.“Ooh, EdwardOMG, come into the sun!” she gesticulated at him, eyes luminous with devotion and exultation and other such adjectives obviously stolen from a thesaurus. Or perhaps that glazed look was caused by a lack of intelligent thought…“Okay, but only for you!” he looked at her, and Bella stared back into the golden eyes, and fell into their beauty. Actually, she tripped over the leg of an ant that had been looking at her and decided she was an idiot.

“Oh no, Bella!” Edward cried, and rushed to her rescue.

Unfortunately, these two characters had forgotten precisely who it was writing this story. And it was not Stephenie Meyer. So Edward burst into flames, the most beautiful flames Bella had ever seen. And then Bella fell because Edward was too busy burning to catch her. She hit her head and woke up the next day in the hospital with no memory of Edward Cullen whatsoever.

And that is a happy ending.

If You Happen To Agree With Me…

…join the Army.

Bibliography/Acknowledgements

• First off, I offer infinite thanks for the people of sodahead.com, who have supplied excellent arguments and helped me use my words to get the point across effectively. Also to fanfiction.net, where you can find the a story even worse than Twilight– My Immortal.

• The green, orange, and purple arguments were found at http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_do_people_like_Twilight.

• Reviews were obtained from http://www.viewpoints.com/Twilight-the-book-reviews, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephenie_Meyer, and

www.hereticalideas.com/2008/10/book-review-twilight/.