No. 386 September 2, 2013The Japanese Spirit

Fantastic essayA Dot

The Private in the Cultural Exchange.

Part 2.The Subtle FlashChapter 1.The Distant Rumble

At the clear moment during the rainy season, just before the distant rumble of thunder it flashed as lightening : my girl friend passed away. Why did she die ? Recognizing this question is too funny. I focused the doubt in the phone. I couldn’t escape to hold a question. Not because of not expecting such happening she died too quickly in the screen I ought to have looked at with her. Of course, I think that she was never tired with her life wit my time and place. She killed herself after the death of his husband, a son and a cat. She made it a rule to go to the swimming club near her house everyday, later I heard from her good friend. She killed herself, I guess so, but she should be a pious Christian. No one knew her situation concerning the death. Her friends called her parents’ house and the near relative, but accepted no answer and no comment. No one knew the first announcer f her death. It is more strange that all believed in her death, including the question of suicide. This is the story based on the reality.

Chapter 2. A Funny Luncheon

One day, I had a luncheon with her. I must call it a funny

luncheon. After meeting concerning a cultural performance we had a rule to eat luncheon together. At this time we could enjoy the genuine private except the schedule of the business, remembering the alumnus of the same junior high school. I recollected her elegant line of big butt, which I could see from back seat in the classroom, as all stood up to greet the teacher to begin lesson, the chief of the classmate shouted, “ stand up!”, and I always looked at her back to hip. It was the top secret for me, and one more secret, she looked at the beautiful garden out of the window of the classroom as the voice echoed, “Stand up! ” She had big bright eyes, was filled with rapture viewing to the garden. I was charmed with her mysterious and grace figure. I have yearned her since her figure of the classroom. After fifteen years from the graduation I searched her address on the classmate list and won her over to my business of the cultural exchange between Japan and foreign country. She was very beautiful and sociable, and cut conspicuous figure in the international, the university, library and museum. I have expected people generous support to her until that unfortunate happening. That, under the table in the restaurant. My right leg suddenly touched something, and I tried to escape it, moving my leg to more the left side, but something reached me obstinately just as the big snake. A restaurant boy was aware of the struggle between legs. A man of my staff sat down next to her by pure chance. She tried it to him. I understood all, but, ignored it at all in the restaurant. I was surprised at her attitude, just before me, just like a hussy. They were lover, in spite of that she had husband and children.

Chapter 3. The Unexpected.

At the regular meeting of the international cultural exchange , we discussed about various problems, and each

reported the planning of spreading cultural spirit the tradition of each country and race and the special district. She reported the Japanese spirit, quoting the Japanese myth, referring the Japanese history, even touching current policy and economy. The attendance were very interested in her speech. The very good situation was produced for us in the meeting. Yes, I say, she finished her speech, and it was until she sat down gracefully on the seat. She put gently her hand on my hand, smiling. It should be called her attitude strange in the public meeting. All were much surprised at unexpected her attitude. It wonder if all guessed we were lover. It was very difficult for me to think that she took the impulsive affinity with me by chance. It was sure that her attitude gave an ambiguous influence to genuine enthusiasm for the culture. Chapter 4. A Kitty.

I couldn’t believe my ears, she whispered something into my ear. What did she whisper ? But, I could understand clearly something influenced by her whisper, sweet and gentle like breezing charming like a kitty’s meow. What is the reason she should meow at such important, courteous place ? After meeting the chairman of the conference asked me, “It seemed she was in bad condition. If she will always take such attitude it is better for her to go to the hospital,” he squinted suspiciously. He clearly tried to escape her. I couldn’t introduce to her. She wasn’t abnormal, but superior to the ideology and sense to the culture as the nature of the aesthete. It is clear that she is very gentle, just as dreaming, being in the fantastic world, charmed with the splendid situation. This world is magnificent for her. The beautiful, the gentle just as the spirit, are inborn, she realized in the real live source.

Chapter 5. A Strange Consultation.

Her husband wanted to consult with me about her. I met him at the usual coffee shop. I am close to him, because he was a staff of the tourist company which I utilized to arrange and make plans for a trip for the cultural performance. He was very nervous to speak and started to say something but faltered. I focused on him and he seemed to make up his mind to tell following. “I accepted frequently the silent call in the mid night.” “Yes, and ? ” “I thought my wife’s manner suspicious,” “Suspicious, what does it mean ?” “Whenever I accepted the silent call her face went red,” “Why ? “ “Maybe, embarrassment---, her boy friend called her,” “In the midst night he did it !? You say you accepted all calls from her lover. Why didn’t she try to accept many calls ? ” “I understood well her,” “OK, and ? ”“And, in such case, with you ? ”“With you,” parroted I, “No !! what do you say ? ”I denied it firmly. I liked her very much, but not her lover. I thought he was strange.

Chapter 6. A Dream of the Friendship.

Her husband told me about an unpleasant day to her. She had a rule to hold the private club irregularly to form the friendship between unknown ladies and gentlemen. He was generally admitted to be the queen of the club, and got good friends. This day, being a pleasant chat her friends, she suddenly became in bad condition., and she was carried to the emergency hospital. Coming home, she complained to her husband about cruel treatment to her ; Not being carried to the hospital, she called a taxi and went to a hospital herself. Her friends didn’t ignored her, she refused that someone saw her off at the reception hall. Later, one of her friends told me that an unknown lady got her big game. She couldn’t show the actual result for the

queen of the club. A person has the real face, private, sacred and born, hidden oneself. We could look at only one of the many figures emitted from the origin. It is like the shadow compared with the source. What is her real face ? I endeavored to forget this story. Chapter 7. A Coordinate Axis.

What her existence for her ? Our relation began at the classroom. Her grace figure, soft line from the nape to the backside were surely charmed with me. If she and the classroom, were noting in my view, I couldn’t connect with her. But, it was not sexual interesting and nostalgic motherly love. I think that our position were fixed on the coordinate axis in the infinite cosmos, marked only a dot, very very animate dot. By the way, where is the dot, in the universe, in the Galaxy, beyond the macrocosm like the gas of dark enigma, in the brilliant gaseous nebula ? There are nothing such a strange sign. The dot is simply mark which was drown by a superfine point pen on a piece of a paper. A dot was born in the cosmos, I hear !? I should say ; God fixed us on the coordinate axis appointed by the end of His Stock. Our will influenced by blessing chose the relation of us and fixed the dot, a mark own self on the coordinate axis in each universe , called the culture. She could go to wherever she liked and loved, led by the indication of God, to the sacred world. God is touching her.

Chapter 8. The Manner of the Cultured Person.

What is the manner of the cultured person ? This is the most important for me to purify the object to live actively. My active life needs the relief and peace in my calm view.

At the tranquil circumstance of the mind I could look at the beauty, and find out the way to focus on the essence of the object. I should go behind the outward form to grasp the inner meaning of the phenomenon. What does it mean for me to do it ? To purify the object in my life, and crystalize the beauty in my time and space. It is worth for me to live in the limited time and space, blessed by God. What I should crystalize would be the base of my life in the cosmos, appointed by God, namely a Dot fixed on the coordinate axis in the universe, and to ascertain the genuine purpose of my life I should purify the object in the world to crystalize my time and space to the spirit. And, I could recognize the Dot on the coordinate axis in the cosmos.

Chapter 9. The Invisible Habitat.

She understood my mind, and she acted frequently, according to my will, just like I appeared in her mind, as if reflecting my mind in her mind as if using a double mirror. But, I noticed that she lived in the subtle zone, shrouded in fog, invisible habitat. One day、appreciating a picture in a art museum she whispered me, “I am very interesting in the cultural activity, but, I must say, my life should become home for the honeybee. I dream that the honeybee would gather in my mind the flower garden. To get the honey to live in their lives. I use the culture to build the sweet home for honeybee.” “No, I could agree with you. I yearn and search the source of the culture. To crystallize the beauty to the spirit.” This point was very different between us. 　 Chapter 10. The Next Seat.

Flying back from Frankfurt to Osaka, after the performance we, I and my wife separated the seats from

her and Mr. A, a participant of the performance. She said to me before the front, “I want to sit next to him for chattering.” It was very confused in the front, and I couldn’t offer her expectation. She realized to sit next to him in the airplane, very fortune for her. Arriving at the Osaka, she only nodded to us, and Mr. A greeted, “Thank you, Good -by.” Later, he told me by phone, “I was very surprised at her. Going back in the airplane, we chattered, and as room light was dimmed she started to make adult friendship to me, whispering in my ear, letting her lips touch in my earlobe. Before going back she joined a young men group unknown at all, and spent all night on a wild spree. Another story; One night, she sat next to a gentleman in the airplane, and just as the loom light dimmed he began to touch me while body. Just such doing; she took his hand and pressed it her body. She told him in the hotel, “I’m a sleepwalker.” I kept silent the whole time by phone, and finally told, “It was private problem. It is no concern of mine.” But, I couldn’t think so, hearing his last word, “She strictly ordered me to take the whole story to you.” Adding it, a few days later she said to me about chattering in the airplane, “ I became a butterfly, enjoying with my boyfriend who sat next to me in my flower garden,” in spite of asking nothing about her chattering from me.

Chapter 11. The Cultural Material.

Being in the culture she must have treated with me as the materials for producing cultural circumstance of her life. How did she do it to me ? I guess she utilized my genuine feeling to the beauty, of course including that I was interested in her beauty. Considering it I was frightened at the story of the performance’s tour. If such a strange story was realized she must have two faces, the one face of the cultural woman, gentle and extremely clever, and the

another face, of a fallen woman, mental deranged. I feared the next time in which she would give a performance of original impression for her cultural life and how she would treat with me. I think she was born an artist. It was a reason that she said the story and acted it truly. She imagined and acted it to live honestly, purifying the confusion and the suffering in the world, this is the live culture, she said. What is the existence of mine concerning her which I posted on the earth ? I recognized newly that she could indicate me the essence of the beauty from unknown world in the invisible view. When I asked her impressions of the result of the performance she whispered in my ear, “I drew a picture,” and enigmatic smile played about her lips.

Chapter 12 Chin Resting .

At the international public conference I thought her manner suspicious. Taking a 15-minute break in the cafeteria she was looking out of many customers in the shop. I focused on the just happening I had been anxious of. She took unexpected behavior, suddenly inserted her left index finger in the lips. It was surprised with all eyes fixed upon me. She smiled tenderly and whispered, “I took the unpleasant manner in public, you thought. Why did you think so ? I played my finger and lip for three seconds. How many did people see this moment ? If a few people should look at me the world would be over !? It’s sheer nonsense. The moment I did it, it is a very pleasant manner for me, using my flesh and a gentleman, very shocked at my disgraceful behavior. Almost people could notice my behavior, and no one knew my genuine mind concerning this behavior. This is my misdeed, disgrace on the cultured man. You should say it is the shame-sensitive society ?”she smiled derisively at me, gazing into my eyes.

Chapter 13 Trick .

She was indignant at the male unkindness. “In the train, I tried to get my baggage from the rack, but couldn’t do it. A few male stood next me, but they paid no attention to me. They were robust, but very delicate, just as big men have small brains, and entering the conference room, a new face was courteously entertained, and firstly was introduced to the meeting. I was ignored at all to the very end.” “You were already very known.” “No, the manner was lost to me by all. Have you nothing to tell them for me ? ” I kept silent. “I recognized you also ignored me. As long as I live I’ll never forget how bitterly vexed I was,” she was quaking all over with vexation. This time, I noticed she gazed at me. I understood her, searching my face for my true intention. This is her trick to play my sincerity.

Chapter 14 A Shadow .

We arranged to meet her in front of the counter of JTB in the Osaka airport, but, she didn’t come here. The boarding time was drawing near for Frankfurt to give a performance of the culture. A member of our party whispered in my ear, “Steal a glance at a small insurance agent near the departure board, behind its counter.” I found a lady, standing, like hiding the office, and understood her. He told me, “I recognized her, watching you for a long time, like enjoying your anxiety about her, and was shocked by her tear. Approaching her stealthily, I confirmed. She asked me before, sitting near to you in the plane.” Finally, she could get on the plane together. She kept silent the whole time until arriving at Frankfurt, taking no meals. My wife asked me, “What makes her so sulky ? ” I couldn’t understand her at all. She said to me in a low voice, “Waiting you in the airport I felt the emotion like a street angel, and you are a passer-by. And, I was standing by the dim gate, waiting

you.” “Why did you weep ? ”“I love you.”

Chapter 15 A Brooch Shaped a Butterfly .

At the museum in one country faced on North sea she got sulk, the moment reached the entrance of a museum. I understood what made her so sulky. She looked at the standing signboard of advertising our performance with a few lines of copy and a wide picture of my wife. A female curator greeted us politely, but she ignored her, and went to the exhibition corner. The curator looked suspicious, but, understood her at once, hearing my wife’s story that she was the leader of our club. The curator ordered the staff to present her a beautiful brooch shaped a butterfly. The moment she looked at it she became in good humor, and praised the museum for cultural assets. She told me at the hotel’ bar at this evening, ; I fancied following, at this evening, the curator held the dinner for us in the restaurant of the hotel, I got myself blind drank, and gave a speech for thanks, it was surprised, about the whole story in the museum, the brooch shaped a butterfly, in ten minutes, all staffs leaved the table, and the curator kept sitting like a small stone, finally she told you quietly, good- bye. I will never forget the sight of her sobbing.

Chapter 16 In the Hotel.

I stayed at a hotel in NY, she separated far from me in the same hotel. It was usual moral for us to go abroad, especially, this time should pay attention to my behavior, including the private for the business of UN. In the hotel we must be always watch. Taking dinner, she told me, “I’d like to visit your room at the dawn, and open your door,” “At the dawn ? Now, tell me,”“No, impossible. It would be

convenient for me at the dawn.”Seeing her serious look, I answered “OK,” suffering her confused feeling. I strained my ears to her knock, but could hear nothing. Taking the breakfast, I asked her about visiting me at the dawn. ”It’s the next dawn,”“Next, tomorrow? ”She gave me a keen glance, and, nodded at me. I was writing the speech copy until the dawn, and fell asleep for a very short time. I became aware of the sound of rolling pen on the table. I recalled her visiting, and opening the door, peeped into the corridor. What’s her business to me at the dawn ? I knew well her section of this performance. It should never be concerning me for her independence of the intelligence. There were not her shadows in a few days, of course limited off my view. I felt empty, waiting her. It’s almost early, she requested me something, but I could do nothing for her, No need to watch us, we were empty. Night visiting could not become a good business, too subtle, too secret. We should be aware of the approaching dangerous something, empty. I wonder if mealtime, including her story was born in our phantasm, We seem to understand each other empty love by some sort of telepathy.

Chapter 17 A Platform.

I waited her for even an hour, being afraid of changing her plan to meet another man. I remembered that her husband told a story; he had seen her only once before he married her. I first met him exactly on this platform. At that time she had told me that her fiancé had a newspaper in his left hand. Being tired of waiting her, I noticed a gentleman with a newspaper in the left hand. Finally, I could meet him, but, she never showed. If I understand her behavior a little why I would be comfortable to treat with her. I looked around, but, no one standing. In stead of seeing a figure I could hear a subtle siren wailing not in the tunnel of the subway but my empty mind. Like a sound of a gust of wind it should be her cry, I thought.

Chapter 18 A Depot.

I was going to the wicket with her. The subways were overcrowded and I always endeavored to follow beside her, but, lost her sight beside the escalator. At just time many passengers reached around us her figure was lost just caught up in a maelstrom of them. I stopped and looked around to search her. The passengers soon scattered and vanished, but I couldn’t find her. I was fixed on one point to look around and search her. It was very funny for me to wait her for over twenty minutes. I wonder if she took the escalator and looking around upstairs. But, I thought that about fifteen minutes later she should go back to my place. We must go to the important conference together. Passing near a coffee shop, an idea flashed into my mind, that she twisted my phobia round her little finger. Peeping into the coffee shop, surprised, she took a cap of coffee with an unknown gentleman, smilingly and resting her cheek on her hand. I thought that maybe, she happened to meet him at my fixed point. It was very strange that later, she didn’t speak about this happening in the station, closed perfectly in the bottom of her mind.

Chapter 19 The Beach.

We enjoyed swimming at the beach. I swam near the beach for a short time, and my wife put on the snorkeling equipment with the goggles and the small oxygen cylinder. Her very short figure, walking slowly was just similar to being from outer space in the current funny movie. I laughed her nervous behavior in the water and played with her for a short whole. I spoke to her, sitting down for a long time, visiting the sea. “The sailboat was becalmed…,” I took

a dig at her. She remained silent. It was currently her pose to me to be absolutely mum. My wife led her to the water. She followed simply her and soaking in the water like taking a bath. While being in the sea she began to sing hamabe (the beach) of the children’s song, and a wave frightened her. She splashed with water, and screamed, “Help me,” OK, blessed by God. At the supper we sat congenially around the table in the restaurant of the hotel. She escaped to sit opposite to me, with no word. She asked a waiter two ice-creams for them, adding the dessert. A waiter asked me. My wife was filled with rapture listening to the live music. I needed the genuine company. But, viewing the splendid restaurant I endeavored to think that we were loved by God. Fix us in the brilliant spot.

Chapter 20 An Illusion.

In the empty frame I gazed at an illusion of her standing beside the window of the classroom of the junior high school. It was always purified in my mind never influenced by the complex of life. Viewed in my light life is tricky. I have been always suffered from unclear movements unable to foresee, pointless, unfixed, out of focus. Only in the frame I recognized the tranquility in which I was able to be very nervous to beauty. My life should be like the calm sea, quiet and brilliant. The sacred should become calm to notice the subtle flash of the beauty. I wonder if this is a kind of paranoia, as the result I approached the investigation of the beauty from an aesthetic point of view. But, it must heal other symptom of paranoia, namely the beauty is worth for me to call the spirit. It must relieve me from anxiety, because my life is also easily fragile. Really, in the sacred frame, unclear imagination suddenly realized; my teacher proposed marriage to her, saying in detail, he requested her parents that he wanted to get married to her after her adult, as yet she was a pupil. It was natural that her parents gave him no answer, “We should consult with you about it, after her grownup.” It happened while he jointed the study

tour in summer for teachers. He drowned in the rough sea. I must say, “…, I hear,” she told me this story, after his death.

Chapter 21 A Bracelet.

She wore a golden bracelet. From next the table a man looked at her arm. It was very beautiful on the fair complexion. The man seemed to be very charmed with it. She looked very sexy as looking at him flirtatiously, and he smiled shyly at her. Their love seemed to have completed perfectly. She suddenly told me , “Pay the charge of the hotel for me.” It’s expression meant the love hotel’s charge. The man was very confused, hearing her words, and grinned at me. I ignored them at once until they vanished in my view. They were displeasing to me, but, in such case she usually enjoyed to insult me in public. I knew her very well. Who presented that bracelet to her ?

Chapter 22 Sign Language.

Sometimes I enjoyed the sign language with her at my usual coffee shop. Our playing is very different from the usual sign language. We couldn’t understand what we said each other. There were no signs in our sign language. Namely, it meant that we have no sign in our whole lives, only the fact that we should judge from each life, how to live in the confusion. I thought it was very difficult for us, but should do it to live through the suffered and confused world. Just as the sign language we moved finger to deliver each mind and draw something in the air, quaking the fingertip, recognizing the difficulty to deliver the mind each other, and sometimes, adding the expression about the finger. Finally, we couldn’t reach each will. Of course, it is

true that we cannot make out what each means. It is the ritual to live in illusion, looking at the empty just as a rash and frivolous pantomime. Based on this point, she continued to seek the fixed point in tranquility. How to do it, how to realize it, it should be beautiful. She told such a story to me. . Chapter 23 Doubt.

At the usual coffee shop I was in the doubt. I met a gentleman who was a genuine scholar, but unknown well for me. She sat next to him. Looking at them, made me unhappy. Of course she should be always free, but, I wanted to make myself at ease at this morning. I requested her beforehand that we would have the comfortable time, only taking a cup of coffee, and she answered, “OK,” and her behavior was quite disagreeable. “When did you come here ? ”Looking at the sandwich on the table I asked her, but she had no answer. Her friend smiled shyly, and said to me in the low voice, “She consulted with me about your money,” “Money ? ” I couldn’t understand what he said. “Did you ask her for a debt ?”He saw me as if gazing into the stranger’s face. “…as soon as possible,” they went out of the coffee shop. Since, I met her sometimes, but, she spoke me nothing about the money. First, I noticed the strange around me. When I visited the exhibit hall of the art of flower arrangement with her. A few ladies gazed at me, speaking something behind the flower arranged. I told her that they seemed to speak of me, but she seemed to view far off the sea in the calm. When I visited the tea ceremony held in the famous shrine, I recognized the funny scene that ladies putting on kimono escaped to sit near us. I asked the reason to a female staff of the ceremony. “Please after me, don’t worry.”The staff led me to the tea ritual with her. The staff whispered in my ear as she was in the ladies’ room for makeup. “The rumor spread : You owe her one million yens, but, you never returned to her. : She has demanded

repayment of money she lent you.”Fixing me, the staff told it very slowly. I was choked with the flower’s and ladies’ fragrance.

Chapter 24 A Dress‒up Doll. I remembered a happening at the anteroom in a hotel. This day, she will give a performance of the speech concerning the international culture at a wedding ceremony. It was an entertainment for congratulations of the wedding. She put on the white dress, and I was anxious that her brilliance would be over the beautiful of the figure in bridal dress. Just before opening the ceremony, she upset a glass of juice on the table, and got her dress dirty, “Oh, I overturned the ceremony!”she shouted. A female staff of the ceremony ran to her. She hurriedly changed into the dress arranged by the hotel, and could perfectly do the performance. Later, I heard a rumor that I upset the glass and soiled her dress. I couldn’t guess that she spread the rumor, but, hearing it, I remembered a great deal stories about my debt. I wonder if she did it. I felt a little the suspicion to her. Since then no one spoke of my debt, enjoying the time and the place with me. Moreover, they seemed to show off their love to me, and that he presented the golden bracelet to her, waving her left arm before his eyes. I recalled a Dress‒up Doll putting on the cloth irregular in size. . Chapter 25 An Empty Box.

Since then, she had always attended the conference, accompanied by her friend. She always did it, every time and everywhere, ignoring me. Instead of me, she was led how to decide, how to speak of various problems. The directors of the international conferences doubted that he became a new director of our club, and their closed behavior became a nice couple’s figures. I recognized that she relied much on him, seeing the scene that she made a show of love before the members of one public conference.

At the smorgasbord she brought a dish of fruit dessert to him, and gave it to him with a fork. This time, on the same table, he delivered an itinerary of a performance to me. “This is our plan, next time, I will try to give the performance with her, if possible. I have made ready to start,” she looked prim, sitting next to him, taking usual pose, as if viewing far out at sea. I smiled, and answered, “OK, very good idea.” It was a bluff on my part. And, I was going to go abroad with my wife for the performance of an University, except her. Just before the trip, she asked me in a little voice about the trip. “I will go with my wife. Are you going to unknown place with your friend? ”She answered in calm, “I don’t know about it.” Since, I never looked at him beside her. But, I escaped to meet her. I prayed that she would have gone without our noticing it, and it would become “Good‒bye sign”for us.

. . Chapter 26 The Requiem.

I have formed a great performance round the world, visiting the fifteen countries the Universities, Museums, Libraries, Religious sects and the cultural institutes. This is the biggest scale in my life, and drew up it for her, if she would come back to me. I have waited her for thirteen years since she left from our club. Left by myself, I felt lonely and, simultaneously quite relieved, as a confused spot vanished in my view. My wife once happened to see her with a gentleman at the department store. The man was different from the famous surgeon who left us a good ‒bye sign with her. After parting her we could live the uneventful life, not influenced by her suffering. I felt it as if being in the empty box. What is the use of searching her shadow in the past ? I understood that she held the empty, suffering from fear born in the nothing. What is nothing for her ? I could say, it should be base of the spirit. I think that the beauty symbolizes the spirit. I want to fix my life on the beautiful dot. How did she design her beauty in the empty box which belonged to us. How to rebuild my reality in the empty ? I

could guess that being in the empty is the best condition to draw the beauty freely ? This is the truth, I decided my dot in the coordinate axis. Just, I was thunderstruck at the news of her death. But, I couldn’t understand why not, to know the detail of her death, at least, the time and the place. This unexpected tragedy would draw her beauty, and I wonder if I could realize the beauty of the requiem in the reality with her. I was lost in thought of her family, husband and children. It had grown dark before I knew it. The End.　

The Japanese Spirit Publisher/Editor: Hideki Kubota1-26-1407, Takasu 2-chome, Nishinomiya 663-8141 JapanPhone: 0798-49-5886 Fax: 0798-49-5838 http://homepage3.nifty.com/mori1407/UII26890@nifty.comThe Foundation Issue was published on June 15, 1991.The date of our next issue will be on October 15, 2013.