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Participant Manual

Developed and presented byHarville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.

Developed & Presented byHarville Hendrix, Ph.D. | Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.

“Relationships First” is a registered trademark of Relationships First, Inc. “Safe Conversations,” “Zero Negativity Challenge” and “ZN Challenge” are registered trademarks of Helen LaKelly Hunt and Harville Hendrix and used under license. Any other trademarks are owned by Relationships First, Inc. or its principals, affiliates or licensors. You may not reproduce or use any of these trademarks without permission.

© 2017 Relationships First, Inc. and/or its licensors. All rights reserved.

This content is for educational purposes only and is not meant as medical advice or to substitute for treatment by a qualified healthcare provider.

You are about to embark on a journey that will transform yourworld as you now know it.

WELCOME TO

A new way of talking without criticism, listening without judgment and connecting beyond differences.

Safe Conversations®

A cutting-edge relational technology that transforms polarizationinto connecting and full aliveness.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PART I: THE WORKSHOP

Welcome 6Introduction: Safe Conversations 7The Space Between 8Safe Conversations Concepts 9The Core Theory: Connecting is Being 10The Structure of Safe Conversations 11Safe Conversations: An Overview 12Safe Conversations: Getting Ready 13The Safe Conversations Practice: Mirroring an Appreciation 17My Early Relationship Challenge 19My Early Relationship Need 20Safe Conversations: Sharing our Challenge and Need 21Summary of Early Challenges and Needs 25Turtles and Hailstorms 26Our Tripartite Brain 28Neural Integration 29The Zero Negativity Challenge 31The Zero Negativity Pledge 32Zero Negativity: The Repair Process 33Affirmations 34Affirmations: Caring Behaviors 35Affirmations: Surprises 40Affirmations: Fun 42Positive Flooding 43Tracking Your Zero Negativity Pledge 48Additional Support 50

PART II: POST WORKSHOP EXERCISES / APPENDIX

Steps on the Path to Wonder 53Behavior Change Request Process 54

PART ITHE WORKSHOP

WELCOME

There is a common myth in our culture:

That’s not true.

Conflict is GROWTH trying to happen!

If you integrate the concepts you will learn and practice the skills you will acquire, your relationship will thrive.

You will experience the joy of full aliveness, which is your birthright, and live in the world and with others in a new way.

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THE “SPACE BETWEEN”

Safe Conversations is a transformational process that makes it possible to talk with anyone about anything and experience connecting rather than polarization.

Talking is the most dangerous thing most people do, and listening is the most infrequent. Learning how to talk without criticism, and to listen without reacting negatively, makes conversations safe and communication possible. Having a safe conversation may not solve problems, but no problem can be solved unless we talk with respect and listen with acceptance.

Accurate listening with curiosity and empathy are the essential skills of a thriving relationship.

Conversation is a shared exchange between persons. The “con” in conversation means “with.” Most of us, however, tend to talk “to” rather than “with.” In a Safe Conversation, both persons take turns talking and listening with curiosity and without judgment.

But such conversations are rare. Most conversations are parallel monologues: both people talking and no one listening. In a monologue, competing, controlling,dominating and winning are the goals and conflict and polarization are the inevitable outcomes. In such interactions, the conversation itself becomes the problem and the issues are obscured.

Safe Conversations is a structured, three-step dialogue that invites two people to take turns talking and listening. Its magic and power lies in the fact that the structure makes it safe to talk and to listen with mutual respect. It then becomes an efficientcommunication tool for the exchange of energy and information. With structure, safety happens; and when safety happens, connecting happens. When connecting occurs, a co-creative process is ignited that transforms the negative energy of conflict into the vibrant energy of full aliveness.

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SAFE CONVERSATIONS®THE SPACE BETWEEN

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Three Practices that Make the Between Safe

A relationship is two people and the “space between” them.

Safe ConversationsThis is a three-step structured dialogue that, when practiced, creates safety in the “space between.”

Zero NegativityThis practice keeps the “space between” safe by eliminating all words, tone of voice, facial expressions and body language thatcommunicates a “put-down” to another person.

Practicing Zero Negativity restores and sustains the felt sense of connecting, full aliveness and wonder.

AffirmationsPracticing affirmations—appreciations, gratitude, curiosity, acceptance, showing excitementand having fun—deepens safety in the “space between” and sustains connecting, full aliveness and wonder.

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THE SPACE BETWEEN


IMYTHEveryone naturally knows how to be in a relationship. Relationships come easy if you are with the right person.

FACTNo one naturally knows how to be in a relationship. But there are now teachable skills, so that all can succeed relationally.

IIMYTHConflict means you are in the wrong relationship.

FACTConflict is growth trying to happen. If you change relationships, you miss the growth. Stay in the canoe and paddle!

IIIMYTHCompetition, control, winning and being the “best” is what life is all about and should be promoted as primary values.

FACTCollaboration, cooperation and co-creation are what life is all about and are essential for thriving relationships, organizations and communities.

IVMYTHEveryone knows how to talk and should be allowed to express whatever they think and feel without being concerned about its impact on others.

FACTNo one naturally knows how to talk. Learning how to talk without polarizing is an essential skill that creates safety, regulates anxiety,

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THE SPACE BETWEEN


restores connecting, recovers full aliveness and creates thriving organizations and communities.

THE HUMAN PROBLEMRuptured

Connecting

THE SOLUTIONRestored Connecting

THE DISRUPTORNegativity

THE CONNECTORSSafe Conversations

Zero NegativityAffirmations

THE CONSEQUENCESAnxiety

DisconnectionObjectification

THE OUTCOMESafety

Full AlivenessWonder

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THE CORE THEORYCONNECTING IS BEING

THE SPACE BETWEEN


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Mirroring Validating Empathizing

In the Safe Conversations

Process… One is the Sender (talks).

One is the Receiver (listens).

The Sender and Receiver take turns talking and listening.

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The old way of “talking.” (both are talking and neither are listening)

The new way of “talking.” (Sender and

Receiver take turns talking and listening)

THE SPACE BETWEEN

THE SAFE CONVERSATIONS PROCESSAN OVERVIEW

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One is the Sender. The other is the Receiver. The Sender follows these simple rules:

Asks for an appointmentMakes eye contact without words Sends message in short sentences Uses I-languageMakes no criticisms of partner

The Receiver responds using the following steps in the process:

MirroringLet me see if I’ve got it. You said….

Did I get it?

Is there more about that?

ValidatingThat makes sense, and what makes sense is….

EmpathizingI imagine you might be feeling…. Is that what you are feeling?Are there other feelings?

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SAFE CONVERSATIONSGETTING READY

The Importance of Making an Appointment

Honoring boundaries is essential in a great relationship. So, when you want someone to listen while you are talking, we recommend you ask your partner for an appointment.

Here’s how:

“Is now a good time to talk about … [our schedule, an appreciation, a frustration, an experience,

etc.]?”

The other person may respond with a “yes.” But if they are not available at the moment, it is ok to delay. We recommend they set a time, as soon as possible, when s/he is available, and then show up at precisely that time, without having to be asked again.

The Importance of Making Non-Verbal Contact

Eye contact contributes to creating safety before the exchange of words. Although we cannot consciously see the pupils of another person, our brains can tell whether they are small or large. When the brain sees a large pupil, it interprets the other as “open” and safe, and switches off its defenses. If their pupils are small, the brain interprets them as “closed” and dangerous, which activates the defenses. Open pupils facilitate sharing vulnerable feelings and thoughts; small pupils call for caution and monitored sharing.

When the appointment time is agreed upon, if both persons make eye contact and take at least three deep breaths in sync, their brains will be flooded with oxygen, which will enlarge their pupils and lower their blood pressure. Both people then begin to feel more safe, and the connecting begins.

Mirroring

In a Safe Conversation, a Sender and a Receiver alternate between speaking and listening.

Mirroring, the first of the three steps of a Safe Conversation, is listening accurately, reflecting the content and tone of the Sender’s message.The Sender may want to be mirrored “word for word” or may prefer a “paraphrase” that uses the Receiver’s words, but accurately reflects the Sender’s message. They should designate their preference to the other person.

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SAFE CONVERSATIONSGETTING READY (cont.)

When the Sender talks, they do so using “Sender Responsibility:”

“Sender Responsibility” Tips•Uses I language: I feel, I need, I want. (Avoid using “You

never… you always…!”

•Send all information respectfully and kindly.

•Be succinct. You will flood your partner using too many words.

•No shame, blame or criticism – NOT EVER!

•ASK for what you want. Don’t tell your partner what NOT to do, or what they are doing wrong. Tell them what you want.

In response, the Receiver echoes the Sender’s message word for word or by paraphrasing and uses a sentence stem as follows:

“Let me see if I’ve got it. You said ….”Then the Receiver checks for accuracy by

asking: “Did I get it?”

If the Sender did not feel accurately mirrored, the Receiver asks the Sender to repeat the part that was missed, and they send and receive until the Sender feels fully heard. When the Sender confirms that the Receiver mirrored everything accurately, the Receiver then asks:

“Is there more about that?”

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This question expresses curiosity and it is vitally important. The more you reassure the Sender that you are open to what they are saying, the more you can voyage on a wonderful journey into their world, and experience connection, even if you find the subject area challenging or unfamiliar.

The SummaryWhen there is “no more about that,” the Receiver offers a summary of all that they heard and check again for accuracy.

“So, in summary, I heard you say …. Did I get it

all?”

ValidationWhen you validate, you cross the bridge into another person’s world, see their point of view and accept it as their “truth” without necessarily accepting it as your own. Validation is not agreement.

That makes sense, and what makes

sense is…. Is that a good validation?

EmpathyAnd finally, you empathize and imagine what the other person feels in that moment and state what those feelings might be. Empathy imagines or mirrors the feelings that attend the thoughts that have been validated.

And I can imagine you might be feeling…. Is that the

feeling?

Are there other feelings?

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ClosureAfter all three steps are completed, then Sender and Receiver move

into closure. “Thank you for listening.” (Sender)

“Thank you for sharing.” (Receiver)

Give each other a one-minute, full body hug (this increases the flow of endorphins in the bloodstream, and generates oxytocin, deepening the felt sense of connecting).

Now switch roles and repeat the process.

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A NOTE TO THE RECEIVER

If you get on overload, raise your hand and say: “I’m on overload, let me try to mirror you back so far.”

SAFE CONVERSATIONS PRACTICEMIRRORING AN APPRECIATION

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InstructionsDecide who will be the first Sender and who will be the Receiver. Express only ONE appreciation.

Follow the structure and use the sentence stems precisely as

indicated. When all the steps are completed, switch roles and

repeat the process.

MAKING AN APPOINTMENTSender: I would like to express an appreciation. Is

now a good time?

Receiver: I’m available now.

CONNECTING NON-VERBALLYMake eye contact and take three deep breaths in sync.

SHARING THE APPRECIATIONSender: ONE thing I appreciate about you is…

MIRRORING AND CHECKING ACCURACYReceiver: Mirrors: Let me see if I’ve got it. You said…

Checks for accuracy: Did I get it?Sender: Yes, you got it. –or–

The part you got was… and I also said…

Receiver: Shows curiosity: Is there more about that?

Sender: Yes. When you do that I feel … - or -When I see that in you, I feel …

NOTES

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____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SAFE CONVERSATIONS PRACTICEMIRRORING AN APPRECIATION

(cont.)

Receiver: Continues mirroring.Checks for accuracy: Did I get it?Shows curiosity: Is there more about that?

Sender: When I feel , it reminds me of a time in the past when I felt…. (or) did not feel………

Receiver: Mirrors: Let me see if I got that….Checks for Accuracy: Did I get it?Expresses curiosity: Is there more about that?

Continue the process until the Sender agrees the Receiver “got it.”

SUMMARIZINGReceiver: Mirrors: Let me see if I got all of that. In summary, you are saying …

Checks for accuracy: Did I get it all?Sender: Listens to the summary and verifies accuracy .

Yes, you got me. -Or- The part you got was … and I also said….

CLOSURESender: Thank you for listening.Receiver: Thank you for sharing.

Give each other a one-minute, full body hug.

SWITCHING ROLES

When all the steps are completed, switch roles and repeat the process.

NOTES

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____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MY EARLY RELATIONSHIPCHALLENGE

Our early experiences with our caretakers influence whom we choose as a partner in our adult life – and the quality of the relationship we will have with them.

This exercise will help you discover the childhood challenge that determines the frustrations and desires you experience as you interact with significant others in the present.

Study the ten items in the two boxes below. Select and CIRCLE the ONE (and only ONE) that most represents your greatest early challenge.

If none of them describe your early challenge, write one that does in the box marked “other.”

I Wanted: I Wanted:

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MY EARLY CHALLENGEWhen the major caretaker

INTRUSIVE NEGLECTFUL

•To get free from feelingcontrolled by

•To experience feeling seenand valued rather than invisible.•To express my own thoughts

rather than what I should • To be approached by others think. rather than feel alone/

abandoned.•To express what I felt rather

than what I should feel. • To feel significantas a person.

•To experience my thoughtsand feelings as important. • To get support for what I

think or feel.•To do what I wanted to do

rather than what I ought to. • To get someone interested in

what I want and like.OTHER

MY EARLY RELATIONSHIPNEED

The early relational challenge you identified on the previous page resulted in a relational need that you brought into your adult relationships. It is especially active in your adult intimate relationships and it also shows up in all your significant relationships.

Study the ten items in the two boxes below. Select and CIRCLE the ONE(and only ONE) that best describes what you needed most from significant people in your early life.

If none of them describe your early challenge, write one that does in the box marked “other.”

MY EARLY NEEDWhen the major caretaker was…

INTRUSIVEI Needed:

•To have space and time to myself on a regular basis.

•To experience trust from others in my thinking and my decisions.

•To be asked what I feel and what I want.

•To experience genuine and reliable warmth when I need it.

•To experience what I do and want is valued by others.

NEGLECTFULI Needed:

•To experience a show of interest in me when I am talking.

•To be responded to when I ask for it.

•To ask me what I want, feel and think and respond.

•To show curiosity about my experiences in life.

•To get love and gentle touch frequently and without having to ask.

OTHER

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THE FULL SAFE CONVERSATIONS PROCESSSHARING MY EARLY CHALLENGE AND NEED

Making an appointmentSender: I would like to talk about my early challenges and

the needs I brought to our relationship. Is now a good time?Receiver: Yes, I’m available now.

Connecting non-verballyMake eye contact and take three deep breaths in sync.

Sharing an appreciationSender: Before I start, I would like to share something I appreciate

about you which is…Receiver: Let me see if I got it. You want to express an appreciation of

me which is…… Did I get it?

Sharing your early challengeSender: When I was a child, I lived with caretakers who were g e n e r a l l y

(pick Neglectful or Intrusive - from p. 19) and my relational challenge with them was to (challenge you circled on p. 19).

Mirroring the early challengeReceiver: Let me see if I’ve got it. You said when

you were a child, you lived with caretakers who were and your challenge with them was to . Did I get it?

Sender: Yes, you got it (or, “You got most of it. I also said….”)

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(cont.)

Receiver: Continues mirroring and checking for accuracy until the Sender says, “You got it.”

Asks: Is there more about that?Checks for accuracy and continues asking, “Is there more about that?” until the Sender says, “There is no more.

Sender: Says: And when I remember that, I feel….Receiver: Mirrors the feelings: And when you remember that you feel …

Checks for accuracy: Did I get it?”

Continues mirroring, checking for accuracy, and inviting” more” until Sender says: “There is no more about that,” or “That’s all for now.”

Sharing the early relationship needSender: What I needed most from them was (item circled on p. 20).

Not getting that from them, I brought it to our relationship.

Mirroring early relationship needReceiver: Mirrors: Let me see if I’ve got it. What you needed most from

your caretakers was . Not getting that from them, you brought to our relationship.

Checks for accuracy: Did I get it?Sender: Yes, you got it (or, “Yes, and I also said ….”).Receiver: Continues mirroring, checking for accuracy until the Sender

says, “You got it.”Shows curiosity and asks: Is there more about that?Mirrors and checks for accuracy until the Sender says, “There is no more about that.”

SummarizingReceiver: Let me see if I got all of that. In summary, your caretakers

were generally and the relational challenge you had with them was to .

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(cont.)

When you remember that, you feel .What you needed from them was , and not getting it from them, you brought to our relationship. Checks for accuracy: Did I get it all?

Sender: Listens to the summary and verifies if accurate.Yes, you got me. -Or- The part you got was … and I also said…

ValidatingReceiver: Validates: You make sense, and what makes sense is that if

your caretakers were , that your challenge would have been and that your relationship need would be . It also makes sense that not getting that in your early years, that you would bring it to our relationship.Is that an accurate validation?

Sender: Receives the validation and verifies if accurate.

EmpathizingReceiver: Expresses empathy: And given that, I can imagine that

if your relationship need to was met by me you would feel (glad, relieved, happy, connected, heard, etc.)Is that your feeling?Are there other feelings?

Sender: Yes (or, I also feel ….)

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(cont.)

Closing DeclarationsReceiver: Thank you for sharing with me your unmet need caused by your

childhood challenges. I want very much for you to have your needs met in our relationship.

Sender: Thank you for listening and for wanting to understand this about me – and for helping me with it.

Give each other a one-minute, full body hug.

Switching RolesWhen all the steps are completed, switch roles

and repeat the process.

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SUMMARY OF EARLY CHALLENGES AND NEEDS

Instructions: Now that you are familiar with the relational challenges you and your partner had with your caretakers, summarize them below.My early challenge was to

(challenge circled on page 19) and the relational need I brought to our relationshipis

(need circled on page

20). My partner’s early challenge was to (challenge s/he circled on page

19)

and the relational need my partner brought to our relationship is

(need circled on page 20).

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I commit to co-creating a relationship in which both our childhood relational needs will be met.Signed

TURTLES AND HAILSTORMS

Given your early challenge and unmet need, you felt anxious and protected yourself by minimizing or maximizing your response.

In Safe Conversations, we call these adaptations the Turtle and the Hailstorm. These adaptations are part of our attraction to a significant other, but they cause frustration in the relationship.

Study the descriptions below and on the next page circle the ONE that you think best describes you.

TURTLE (minimizing) (maximizing)

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When I get upset I tend to …

When I get upset I tend to…

•feel tight inside and do notverbalize my

•express my feelings with passionand energy using many

•adopt an “I’ll take care of myself/Idon’t need anyone”

•repeat myself, so people willunderstand me.

•express very few, if any, needs.

•need my partner to respond.

•exclude others from mypersonal space.

•express many needs.

•take the victim •figure things out by myself.

HAILSTORM

TURTLES AND HAILSTORMS (cont.)

Depending upon the situation, you may, at times, use either defense, but in most stressful situations you tend to use only ONE.

Please circle the ONE that best describes you.

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MINIMIZER MAXIMIZER

- OR -

TURTLE HAILSTORM

OUR TRIPARTITE BRAIN

Higher Brain Thinking / Logic /

Language / Intuition

Middle Brain Feeling /

Emotional Memory

Lower BrainSensing / Reacting

Higher BrainExperiencing Full Aliveness

Middle BrainFeeling Alive

Lower BrainStaying Alive

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NEURAL INTEGRATION

In Safe Conversations,we simplify and focus on 4 parts…

Higher BrainOwl

Left BrainThinking

Right BrainFeeling

Lower BrainCrocodile

GOAL•To make sure your owl is always in charge.•To balance the left and right – thinking and feeling.•To integrate these 4 parts of the brain.

Because thriving Relationships Require a Healthy Brain!!!

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NEURAL INTEGRATION (cont.)

NEUROSCIENTISTS SAY

“Tolerating ambiguity is a sign of mental health.” *

When we feel reactive…

…and use the structure of Safe Conversations…

If I heard you correctly, you said… Did I get it?

Is there more about that?

…we move into our higher brain.

By slowing down and entering into curiosity and wonder about our partner,we learn to tolerate ambiguity, all of which invites us to experience full aliveness!

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Safe Conversations Creates a Healthy Brain which Creates Healthy Relationships!

NEURAL INTEGRATION (cont.)

* Dan Siegel (Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind.)

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ZERO NEGATIVITY CHALLENGE®

“Negativity” is any transaction another person experiences as a “put down.” It can be words, a tone of voice, an eye roll that communicates criticism, shame, or blame. It may be intentional or accidental, but in all cases, a “put down” ruptures connection.

When negativity is experienced, safety is destroyed, connecting is ruptured, anxiety is activated and our defenses go on line. Connecting and full aliveness are lost. Having entered the scene of universal human suffering, we shift from “connecting” to strategic and tactical “relating.”

Whoever reports experiencing a “put down” is the judge of whether or not it is “negative.” If s/he says it was negative, it was negative!

When negativity ruptures connecting, we anticipate potentially catastrophic outcomes from current and future negativity.

Immediate repair of the rupture prevents the activation of adrenalin and cortisol, the neurochemicals of fear, and our habituation to them.

We invite you to take the Zero Negativity Challenge and sign the Zero Negativity Pledge. Your signature means that you have committed to practicing Zero Negativity (ZN) for the next 30 days.

The Zero Negativity Pledge means you will refrain from giving a “put down;” you can still express painful feelings or deal with problems. In fact, when you remove negative energy from your conversations you will be able to deal more efficiently with painful feelings and relational issues because they are not overloaded by negative charge.

A POINT TO REMEMBER

It’s not WHAT you say, It’s HOW you

say it!

NOTES

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THE ZERO NEGATIVITY PLEDGE

We pledge to make our relationship a Zone of Zero Negativity for the next 30 days by omitting from all our interactions with each other any words, tones, or body language that could be experienced as a “put-down,” thus rupturing our connection.

If we experience a rupture, we will send a gentle signal (bing, ouch, wow, oops!) immediately to communicate that we have experienced a “put-down,” and then use the repair process (page 33) to restore safety and connecting

We pledge to give three appreciations daily to each other, no matter what!

Signatures

Date

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ZERO NEGATIVITYTHE REPAIR PROCESS

Okay, you’ve taken the pledge. Here are some options you can do if you experience a put-down:

1 If you experience a put-down, communicate that to your partner with a gentle signal (bing, ouch, wow, oops!).

2 Then select the repair process that would restore connection for you and engage your partner in the process until you feel connected.

3 There are various options to help the repair process:

a.Ask for a RE-DO. Take time out, start over, and re-do the transaction.

b.Model for your partner how s/he might RE-SEND the message so it doesn’t produce a “put down.”

c.Offer a RE-CONNECTING behavior, a single behavior like an apology, flowers, or a hug.

d.If the repair needs more attention, ask for Safe Conversations dialogue.

e.If the put-down triggered a painful childhood memory, the Behavior Change Request Process (in the Appendix) may be needed.

f.Create your own repair process.

4 Conclude the Repair Process with an appreciation or a caring behavior.

What repairs a “put down” for me:

What repairs a “put down” for my partner:

A POINT TO REMEMBER

The sign of a thriving relationship is how quickly you can repair!

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The relational sciences say that 5 positives are required to repair 1 negative. If your partner says they experienced a “put down,” give them 5 appreciations.

AFFIRMATIONS

Affirmations are interactive exchanges of positive energy in the forms of words and behaviors.

The daily practice of affirmations creates connecting, full aliveness, and wonder in your relationship.

Affirmations include Caring Behaviors, Surprises, and High Energy Fun.

REMEMBEREnergy follows attention.

Whatever you focus on is what you get.The more you focus on the

good, the more good there will be to focus on.

And vice versa!!

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CARING BEHAVIORS

Caring behaviors are spontaneous or intentional interactions that touch your heart. To create a dream relationship, you must surrender the illusion that you know what makes another person feel cared about, or that they know what feels caring to you. We invite you to replace this illusion with information. This keeps either of you from saying, “If you really loved me, you’d know what I want. I shouldn’t have to tell you.” Learning to communicate in an attuned way will increase the pleasure you feel in the relationship. Caring behaviors are daily gestures like a smile, a touch, small gift, words of kindness and encouragement etc.

Instructions:

1 Using the chart on the next page, identify behaviors that your partner is already doing that make you feel cared about and loved. List as many as you can that are specific, concrete, positive, and that happen with some regularity. Examples: refills my coffee cup when it is empty; massages my back; tells me you love me.

2 In the time period column, write PR for present behavior. Ignore the “Willing” column for now. Continue listing as many caring behaviors that your partner used to do in the past, especially in the Romantic Love phase of your relationship, but is no longer doing. Be specific, descriptive, positive and quantitative (how much, how often).Examples: wrote me love letters on special occasions; held my hand when we walked every morning; brought me flowers for no reason. In the time period column, write PA for past behavior.

3 When instructed by your Facilitator, select one behavior from your caring behaviors chart, and practice a Caring Behaviors Dialogue (pages 37-38).

4 Exchange manuals with your partner. With a , indicate the items you currently are willing to do in the “Willing” column (partner’s manual page 36). Indicating you are willing to do a behavior does not mean you are committed to do it, only that you are willing. Do not put a mark beside a behavior that you are unwilling to resumeor begin, no matter what the reason. It is not necessary to explain your reasons for leaving a behavior un-marked. The behaviors you have marked should be conflict- free, meaning you would be willing to do them for your partner.

5 After both you and your partner have shared your lists, and items have been marked, transfer the behaviors you checked as “willing” (partner’s manual page 36) to the Caring Behaviors for My Partner chart on (your manual page 39.)

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CARING BEHAVIORS PAST AND PRESENT

Willing

Time PeriodPast (PA) Present (PR)

“I feel loved and cared about when you…”

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CARING BEHAVIORSDIALOGUE

Making an AppointmentSender: I would like to talk about one thing you do that makes me

feel cared about and loved. Is now a good time?Receiver: I’m available now.

Connecting Non-VerballySender and Receiver make eye contact, soften eyes and hold gaze for three deep breaths.

Sharing a Caring BehaviorFocusing only on the caring behavior and using “I” language and positive

words. Sender: I feel/felt cared about and loved when you....

Mirroring and Checking AccuracyReceiver: Mirrors: Let me see if I’ve got that. If I did, you said....

Checks for accuracy: Did I get it?Sender: Verifies if accurate: Yes, you got me. Or, if not accurate, says: Yes,

and I also said …. Resend or modify any parts not clearly received.

Receiver: Expresses curiosity: Is there more about that?Sender: Yes, when you do/did that, I feel/felt ....Receiver: Mirrors: When you experience/d that you feel/felt ....

Checks for accuracy: Did I get that?Expresses curiosity: Is there more about that?

Sender: Yes. And when I feel/felt that, it reminds me that when I was little, I ...

(something similar happened/did not happen).Receiver: Mirrors: And it reminds you that when you were little, you …

(happened/did not happen). Checks for accuracy: Did I get it?

Sender: Verifies if accurate: Yes, you got it. Or, Yes, almost all of it. I also said….Receiver: Expresses curiosity: Is there more about that?

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Both partners continue the process until the Sender agrees that the Receiver has “got it” and there is “no more.”

SummarizingReceiver: Summarizes: Let me see if I got all of that. In

summary, you are saying ...Checks for accuracy: Did I get it ALL?

Sender: Verifies accuracy: Yes, you got it all. Or: The part you got was... and I also said....

ValidatingReceiver: Validates. You make sense and what makes sense is that when I

do you would experience .Checks for accuracy of validation: Is that an accurate validation?

Sender: Listens and verifies accuracy of the validation.

EmpathizingReceiver: Expresses empathy: And I can imagine that when I do

(name the caring behavior), you would feel (glad, relieved, happy, connected, heard, etc.).Checks for accuracy: Is that your feeling?Checks if Sender has other feelings: Do you have other feelings?

Sender: Yes (or, “I also feel …..”)

Closure: Expressing GratitudeReceiver: Thank you for sharing.Sender: Thank you for listening.Give each other a one-minute full body hug.

Switching RolesWhen all the steps are completed, switch roles and repeat the process.

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CARING BEHAVIORSAFFIRMATIONS

CARING BEHAVIORS FOR MY PARTNER

TAKING IT HOMEContinue reviewing and updating each other’s list. Give, unconditionally, at least one Caring Behavior each day, no matter how you feel! It is okay to repeat some behaviors from time to time. Eventually stretch into items that were initially not marked “willing” or explore your fear and/or resistance to giving this behavior in a Safe Conversation. Be sure to share an appreciation for the Caring Behaviors your partner gives to you!

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AFFIRMATIONSSURPRISES

Surprises play a key role in lasting relationships. They are the hot sauce that protects against the boredom and flatness of habituation. Even the most pleasurable experiences can lose their edge with repetition, but unpredictable positive surpriseskeep you and your partner interested and engaged. The essential elements of surprises are 1) that they must be what would surprise your partner and not you, 2) they must be random and unexpected.

So how do you get that information? You ask! Amazingly, they can be surprised even though they told you. You can also pick up the little comments that partners make about things they like and want. These “random droppings” are not intentional hints. If, on a visit to your childhood home, you mention that you were happy to see the lilacs in bloom because you loved waking up to the scent as a child, you have no motive beyond sharing a pleasant childhood memory. But, what a wonderful surprise if your partner remembered and planted a lilac bush outside your bedroom window while you were away from home.

Instructions

1 Make a list of things that you know would pleasantly surprise your partner if received from you unexpectedly. The list must come from your memory of previous surprise events or expressed wishes from your partner and “off-handed” comments. They should not be surprises you just think your partner would like.

2 Update the list as you discover new items to add to it. You can also ask your partner what surprises s/he would like.

3 Give a Surprise no more than once each month.

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AFFIRMATIONSSURPRISES (cont.)

PARTNER SURPRISE LIST - SURPRISES FOR ________________________

TAKING IT HOMEContinue adding items to this surprise list. At least once a month, but no more than once a week, at random and unpredictable times, surprise your partner with something from the list.

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AFFIRMATIONSFUN

Instructions: Make a list of fun and exciting activities that you would like to do with your partner. Include experiences that are face-to-face, physically vigorous and emotionally intense. Include others that involve body contact that is physically pleasurable.

These activities should need no skills, have no rules, can’t be done wrong, and often produce a “belly laugh.” Examples: dancing, wrestling, showers together, sex, massage, making each other laugh.

Use Safe Conversations and share your list with your partner. Pick one activity from each list and do it this weekend.

OUR FUN ACTIVITIES LIST

TAKING IT HOMEAt least once a day/week depending upon the complexity of the activity−a belly laugh only takes one minute!

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POSITIVE FLOODING

Fun is defined as “Any interaction between partners in a relationship that results in a belly laugh or orgasm or both”. The belly laugh and the orgasm produce pleasure chemicals in your brain. Since pleasure creates a sense of safety, these intense experiences create the felt sense of connecting. In order to engage in either a belly laugh or an orgasm, you must let go of control. That requires you to relax yourdefenses. This relaxing of the defenses, experiencing the ecstasy of the moment, and surviving to live another day, further contributes to the sense of safety in the presence of your partner.

Belly laughs and orgasms are transient peak experiences of blissful joy, but they are not our natural state of relaxed joyfulness. That is the deep sense of well-being that comes after the laughter or the orgasm, the state of feeling safe and satiated. With repetition of intense moments of pleasure followed by relaxation, we can reset our natural joy index and sustain it, if we remove the ruptures caused by negativity. Most couples have some sure-fire ways of making each other laugh and it is important to stretch back to those methods and to learn new ones.

Instructions:

1 On the chart on the next page, list your partner’s physical characteristics, personality traits, behaviors, and global affirmations that you appreciate, love, admire, and cherish.

2 When instructed by your Facilitator, decide who will be the first Sender. The Receiver sits in a chair in the middle of the room. The Sender walks slowly in a circle around the sitting partner, keeping eye contact whenever physically possible.

3 As the Sender, say all the wonderful things you wrote in your chart and others that come to mind. Flood your partner by beginning with your voice at its normal volume, then raise it a level after each category. Keep walking in a circle around the chair. Gradually speak louder and louder until you are shouting positive globalexpressions of caring to your partner (for example, “You are a blessing to me!” “I feel so lucky to have you in my life!”).

4 Switch places, and repeat the above process.

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POSITIVE FLOODING (cont.)

Purpose: Generating pleasure in our relationship increases a sense of safety and passion. The Positive Flooding exercise is a way of amplifying our appreciations for each other, intensely acknowledging our partner’s wonderful qualities.

Physical Characteristics Personality Traits Behaviors Global Affirmations

Blue eyes funnyread to Amanda

every nightYou’re terrific!

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TAKING IT HOME: You may begin to notice after the workshop that you are becoming more conscious of all your partner’s positive qualities. Continue adding items to this list. Once a week, flood your partner with appreciations!

POSITIVE FLOODING (cont.)

PHYSICAL (NORMAL VOICE)

I love your beautiful blue eyes!I think your curly hair is wonderful! Your dimples make me smile!PERSONALITY (LOUDER VOICE)

I love how sweet you are!I adore how funny you are!I like your passion for your work!BEHAVIORS (VERY LOUD)

I like how you make wonderful family meals on Sundays!I love how you call me every day from work!It’s so wonderful how you read to our kids every night! I love that!GLOBAL (SHOUTING)

I CHERISH YOU!I LOVE HOW TERRIFIC YOU ARE! YOU’RE FABULOUS!I FEEL LUCKY TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE!

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CONGRATULATIONS!!!YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE WORKSHOP!

USE SAFE CONVERSATIONS!Take turns talking.Take turns listening.In a Safe Conversation:Sender asks: “Is now a good time to talk?”Receiver:Mirroring: “Let me see if I’ve got it….” Validating: “You make sense.” Empathizing: “I can imagine you feel….”

1

TAKE THE 30-DAY ZERO NEGATIVITY PLEDGE 2Relationships need safety to thrive.Negativity destroys safety.It’s not about what you say. It’s about how you say it.Use the instructions on page 48 to track your commitment to Zero Negativity.

WHAT NOW?HOORAY! You have just completed your first step toward creating a dream relationship. If you practice the FOUR simple skills you learned in this workshop, you will unleash the potential in your relationship – and create one that is filled with safety, joy,and connection!

VISIT iTUNES OR GOOGLE AND DOWNLOAD

THE SAFE CONVERSATION APP FOR FREE!

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GIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONSIt is a gift you can give your partner every day.It doesn’t cost a dime!Sharing appreciations makes both of you feel GREAT!

3

BRING YOUR OWN OWL ONLINEWhen talking with your partner, respond from the Wise Owl instead of reacting from the Crocodile.You can train your brain! The Safe Conversation Process brings the owl online.

4

CONGRATULATIONS!!!YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE WORKSHOP!

And remember to use SENDER RESPONSIBILITY:1 Use I language. (I feel, I need, I want…)

2 Send all information positively, respectfully, and kindly!

3 No shame, blame or criticism – NOT EVER!

4 Ask for what you want.

If you do all this, you will have kept your pledge to ZERO NEGATIVITY!!!

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TRACKING YOURZERO NEGATIVITY PLEDGE

According to research, achieving sustainable change requires daily repetition of a core change activity for at least 21-30 days. Since Zero Negativity (along withSafe Conversations Practice and Daily Appreciations) is the foundation of a dream relationship, we invite you to commit to the Zero Negativity Pledge for 30 days.

Instructions:

1 Re-read the pledge you signed on page 32. Keep in mind that the pledge is tokeep your relationship free of negativity. You will be assessing your relationship, not each other.

2 Tear out the calendar on page 49 and place it where you can see it, like your bathroom mirror.

3 At the end of each day, you and your partner make an appointment and use Mirroring to share whether your relationship got a “negative” that day. If YES, draw a “frowning face” on the day. If NO, draw a “smiley face” on the day.

4 When there is a “frowning face”, use the Repair Process (page 33).

5 If the rupture is repaired, write over the frowning face RESET. Give each other one minute hug.

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SUNDAY MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY

30 Day Zero NegativityChallenge

Month:

NOTES

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IF YOU NEED ADDITIONAL SUPPORT…

Some days you will feel the fully alive and the wonder of being! Until you integrate all these processes into your relationship and all of your life, you may have days when you feel pretty awful. That’s the thing about learning new skills – it’s often two steps forward, one step back.

When you feel discouraged, be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that you’re learning new skills. And, if possible, plan something fun together.

If you find that you’re having more bad moments than good, you don’t have to go it alone. Throughout the city of Dallas, and around the world, there is a network ofcounselors and therapists who have been specifically trained in working with couples through Safe Conversations. A session with them will help get you out of your rut, so that you can deepen the process.

Please visit: www.ImagoRelationships.org, and look under “Find a Therapist” to locate one near you. *

A little help and encouragement goes a long way to continuing your journey!

*Please note that Relationships First is not endorsing or recommending any of the listed therapists. They are provided for informational purposes only.

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CONGRATULATIONS!

Not only have you completed the workshop, you have started something BIG.

Small Personal Steps = Big World Impact

Throughout our nation people are concerned about bullying in school. Imagine having Safe Conversations in the schools. Students would learn how to speak respectfully, they would begin to see each other differently, even begin to empathize with each other. And our schools would be a safer place. Imagine the 4th R being added as the basic skills students are taught:

When Mayor Mike Rawlings talks about ending domestic violence, imagine the role Safe Conversations can have. What if Safe Conversations were taught in shelters? What if these tools were part of the skills offered to those who abuse their partners and children? Imagine a world where politicians and police officers used Safe Conversations to work with those they serve.

It may seem impossible to imagine. But all it takes is a tipping point. Each one of you in this workshop tips the scale in favor of a world that is safer and more humane.

We can change the world— one couple at a time!

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PART IIPOST WORKSHOP EXERCISES /

APPENDIX

STEPS ON THE PATH TO WONDER

Say to your partner each night…

I Acknowledgeyour difference.

I Acceptyour difference.

I Appreciateyour difference.

I Admireyour difference.

I Affirmyour difference.

I Advocateyour difference.

I Adoreyour difference.

You are a wonder!

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BEHAVIOR CHANGE REQUESTOVERVIEW

All frustrations contain a hidden desire. The wish embedded in the frustration is usually expressed as an expectation, entitlement, or a right.

Some frustrations are simply the discrepancy between reality and desire: you want to play golf and it is raining, for instance. In your relationship, a frustration is a behavior your partner does or does not do, that causes you discomfort. If the frustration is repetitive and emotionally charged, its root is a “need” not met in childhood and becomes a relationship need.

It is important to remain connected as you express your frustrations and desires. You can help to make this happen by directly stating your intention to stay connected and by expressing mutual appreciation before you begin the Behavior Change Request process.

The quality of the “ask” is very important and we encourage you to follow carefully the instructions for this process. These behavioral exchanges you are about to make are statements, in adult form, of frustrations rooted in childhood. They can satisfy deep desires. You may feel inner resistance to responding to your partner’s needs because the requested behaviors are not natural to you. If they were, you would be doing them already. When taking the risk, consider each item as a gift to your partner. Do not keep score! You are under no obligation to make any changes you do not commit to, but each time you grant a request, you are not only helping the healing process in your partner, but you are also moving toward a profound change in yourself. As your partner experiences healing, you will experience growth. Remember, take small steps. The request most wanted by your partner is usually the request most difficult for you to grant. It will take time. Along the way, acknowledge with appreciation any behavior change your partner gives to you and stretch into the behavior change your partner requests of you. When you engage in that reciprocal exchange you become partners in co-healing your relationship.

We encourage couples to practice this process in Practice Groups or by working with a therapist. If you are to try this at home on your home, start with a “mild” frustration – something that doesn’t have a lot of emotional charge to it.

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BEHAVIOR CHANGE REQUESTDIALOGUE

Instructions: Take turns and practice the Behavior Change Request Dialogue. Make sure your requests are always positive, i.e., do not request that your partner stop, quit, or don’t do something, and omit all absolutes such as always and never.

Your requests should be SMART:

This Safe Conversation will help you and your partner heal and grow by both giving and receiving a gift, but it can be very challenging. As you do the process, you may experience the emotional pain behind your frustration and you may find your past experiences deepen and expand as your desire changes.You may go from wanting your partner to be on time, to wanting to know, “Am I important to you?” Since what you want from your partner may change as you express it, wait until the process is complete before writing the requests in your manual.

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A NOTE TO THE RECEIVER

If you get on overload, raise your hand and say: “I’m on overload, let me try to mirror you back so far.”

BEHAVIOR CHANGE REQUESTDIALOGUE (cont.)

Purpose: This process for couples will help you express frustrations in a contained and healthy way.

BEGINNINGS (“ON RAMP”)Sender: Makes an appointment: I would like an appointment for a

Behavior Change Request Dialogue about a frustration I am feeling. Are you available?

Receiver: I am available now (or state when).Sender and Receiver make eye contact, soften eyes and hold gaze for three deep breaths.

Sender: Shares an appreciation: First, I would like to express an appreciation which is....

Receiver: Mirrors: You want to express an appreciation which is…Did I get i t ?

EXPRESSING A FRUSTRATION

Sender: I get frustrated when you… State IN ONE sentence a behavior that frustrates you. Example: I get frustrated when you use a harsh tone of voice when you talk with me.

Receiver: Mirrors: Let me see if I’ve got it. If I did, you said your frustration is…Checks for accuracy: Did I get it?

Receiver: Take a deep breath and say: I am ready to hear your frustration fully.

Sender: When you do that I feel … (angry and sad, etc.) and I imagine that (example: you don’t care about me, etc.) … and then I react by… (withdrawing, exploding, etc.)

Receiver: Mirrors accurately: So you are frustrated when I…Checks for accuracy: Did I get it?Expresses curiosity by inviting more: Is there more about that?

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MY EARLY CHALLENGESender: Take a minute to breathe deeply. When you are ready, recall a

memory of a challenge from the past that comes up when you experience that frustration.

All of that reminds me of a challenge in my early life when… (significant adults were not there or there in negative ways) and then I would imagine that they… (did not love me, would never understand me, etc.)

Receiver: Continues to mirror, check for accuracy and invite more until you “got it all” and there is “no more.”

SUMMARIZINGReceiver: Give an accurate Summary Mirror from the beginning: You get

frustrated when I……………. And when I do that you feel… And when you feel that, you remember an early challenge when……………. and you had those same feelings.Did I get it? Mirror any adjustments.

VALIDATINGReceiver: You make sense and what makes sense is that when I

frustrate you by…………., it makes you feel……. and that reminds you of an early challenge when significant people did………..……. (the frustrating behavior) and you felt…………….Checks for accuracy: Is that a good validation?

Sender: Yes (or, I want to add something).

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EMPATHIZINGReceiver: I imagine that you might be feeling…. – Or – I imagine that

you might have felt….Checking for accuracy: Is that what you feel/felt?

Sender: Yes (or, I want to add something.)

THE BEHAVIOR CHANGE REQUESTReceiver: So, describe three behaviors that I can do that would meet

that need and remove that frustration.Sender: States three Behavior Change Requests. Make sure they are positive

and SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-limited). Example: For the next two weeks, I would like you to call me three times a week and tell me what you are doing and one thing you appreciate about me. The Receiver will select ONE of them.

Receiver: Mirror each request until it is 100% accurate. Choose ONE behavior you can do and say: I will stretch and gift you by…

Sender: Mirrors the “gift.”

ENDINGS (“OFF RAMP”)Sender: Thank you for being willing to give me this gift. It will begin to

heal my early challenge of…. …………………………… (Example: It will begin to heal earlier experience of feeling abandoned and invisible, reduce my fear of losing my job) and help me to feel loved and valued.

Receiver: Mirrors, then says: Thank you for giving me this opportunity to stretch for you. It will help me overcome my fear of…. And help me grow into being a more … person/partner. Example: It will help me overcome my fear of closeness and help me grow back into being a more connected, considerate person and a more available partner to you.

Thank you for sharing.Sender: Thank you for listening.Give each other a one-minute hug with three deep breathes in sync. Eye contact on release.On the next page, please record your three requests under My Behavior Change Requests.

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BEHAVIOR CHANGE REQUEST LISTS

Instructions: At the conclusion of the BCR Dialogue, the Receiver records the Sender’s three requests in both manuals. In the Sender’s manual, the Receiver writes the Sender’s requests below in My Behavior Change Requests. In their own manual, they writethe same three requests in My Partner’s Behavior Change Requests. Switch roles and repeat the Safe Conversation process.

MY BEHAVIOR CHANGE REQUESTExample: For the next three weeks, when you know you will be more than 30 minutes late, please give me a call at least 30 minutes before the time of our appointment to let me know about the change.

1. 2. 3.

MY PARTNER’S BEHAVIOR CHANGE REQUEST

1. 2. 3.

NOTES

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