1 dealing with difficult behaviours a presentation for parents, caregivers teachers and support...

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Dealing with difficult behaviours

A presentation for parents, caregivers teachers and support staff

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So, What’s it all about It appears that some children and teenagers

are becoming more disruptive in the home at school, and in the community at large.

This presentation addresses some concepts which have been used successfully to curb and change anti-social behaviours. They work well and can easily be used with more traditional models.

This package supports positive behaviour change and pro-social outcomes.

Enjoy!



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We will look at The effects of too much adrenalin in the system and what to do

about it. The effects of lack of oxygen, and too much carbon dioxide in

the system, how it affects learning, and what to do about it. Six steps to changing a mood – and how it might work in your

environment. How to change a habit. Understanding the power triangle and how toxic families affect

children and teenagers. The difference between proactive and reactive responses and

how to up-skill a young person to respond pro-actively. A comment about addictions, alcohol and TV violence on

children and teenagers.



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Adrenalin and Carbon Dioxide

The problems, the issues and some

solutions.

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Let’s look at adrenalin Adrenalin is known as the bodies fight or flight

reaction. Back in the stone age when we were hunting

and gathering there were huge, double tusked, obviously ferocious wild animals who came lumbering, roaring and licking their chops after us! It was our ability to produce adrenalin, which would in turn flood the body and make us run faster than we ever dreamt of, scale tall cliffs, leap wide crevasses, and do other equally daring and normally ridiculous feats.



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We produce adrenalin when ….. We produce adrenalin when we are nervous, when we

are excited, when we are scared. When we compete, we produce adrenalin. We produce adrenalin when we think about exciting,

scary anxiety provoking or action packed things. If we have scary dreams, scary feelings or if we

imagine or day-dream particularly exciting, competitive or anxiety producing things, we produce adrenalin.

So, we see that we don’t even have to DO these things to produce adrenalin, we only have to THINK about them, play with them in our heads.



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Think about these situations and the adrenalin they produce:-

Child watching 6pm news programme with re-runs of a police shooting or major world catastrophe.

Child worrying over parents arguments – re-runs last night over and over in head.

Child dreading playtime due to bullying comment made as s/he walked to school by older pupil.

Child plays a very exciting game of football, rugby, soccer or hockey, then expected to settle down and be good.

Someone played a practical joke on a child, and the child feels a flash of anger, fear, foolishness.



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Some more to think about … Child knows test is coming up, but is not

confident, or has parents who ‘expect’ good marks or comments.

Child believes best friend is moving away or fears some other form of separation.

Child playing space invaders, play stations or any other static game where things, people places get blown up / away etc.

Child woke up after particularly bad nightmare, remembers parts of it which haunts him throughout the morning.



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A couple more … Jealousy – over possessions, friends, love,

attention, ability. Child, for what ever reason believes him/her

self lost, alone, unloved, unwanted, not cared about etc. etc.

Child has just had an altercation with teacher, parent, friend in the classroom, at home, on the sports field, at the shopping centre etc.

Child, for whatever reason, forgot or was unable to do homework or assignment for teacher who s/he really likes.



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Role of skill base and support

None of those scenarios is that bad on their own, and are certainly not harmful if the child / teenager has the skill base and support to deal with the situation and adrenalin.

Of course the problem is when the skill base and support is not there and or not consistent.



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The problem is the build up Lots of us work out appropriate ways to deal with

adrenalin – we do it instinctively. Some of us were very cleverly taught as

youngsters. When children are able to go outside and let off

steam - climb trees, run until all tuckered out, walk 2 miles to school and home again, cycle 4k to school, chop wood, have strenuous chores to do and the like - there is not the build up of adrenalin.

Most systems can cope with some adrenalin. The biggest problem is the build up.



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Adrenalin over-load The problems come when there is too much

adrenalin piling up and too much activity has gone on, maybe for too long a period, and there is no outlet to get rid of the build up of adrenalin.

There has been no physical activity that doesn’t add to it (note: sending an already adrenalin hyped up child on to the sports field and yelling at them to compete is going to add to the problem, not diminish it!).



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The adrenalin junky! Another classic situation happens when we

have a youngster who has always had so many catastrophes and anxiety/excitement producing situations that as soon as there is a hint of activity their body immediately floods adrenalin (needed or not).

He or she has got used to doing this and has become adrenalin trigger happy as it were!

Another term for this is an ‘adrenalin junky’!



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Lets look at carbon dioxide This again, is a huge over simplification – but it

explains the basic principle. There are two key areas to the lungs that we are

interested in, the upper and lower areas. When we breathe properly we fill both parts with ample oxygen.

The blood supply, pumped by the heart, comes and takes some of that nice fresh oxygen from the lower lung and takes the oxygen to the brain where it is needed for the thinking process.

The brain needs ample supplies of oxygen, water/fluid and a good basic nutrition to function well.



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The problem Problems arise when there is not enough

oxygen in the lower lung – in which case it will be filled with stale air – otherwise known as carbon dioxide.

The carbon-dioxide is then taken round the body (instead of fresh oxygen), eventually ending up in the brain, where instead of livening us up and helping us think (or problem solve effectively) the carbon-dioxide slows the whole brain functioning down and makes us feel slow, lethargic, depressed, unmotivated etc.



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Breathing is important – do some comparisons

Most people do not breathe sufficiently well to invigorate their system with enough oxygen to reach their potential thinking and problem solving modes.

Have a look around your classroom / friends / family etc. and see who is breathing and moving sufficiently to get oxygen into the lower lung.

Think about which friend or students spend most of their home time huddled in front of a TV or play station or computer, or sucking on a cigarette.

Compare those young people, that run about and breathe, to the ones who spend most of the lunch break leaning up against a wall.



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Breathing and anxiety Have you ever noticed how little you breathe when

you are anxious - people mostly hold their breath. Or what happens in a fight - again most people when involved in a physical fight pull funny faces, look staunch, take a deep breath in and hold it, then swing a wavy punch or two.

Not effective stuff for getting the brain to function. Basically, carbon dioxide slows us down – thinking

ability, problem-solving ability, physically and mentally. So a person’s ability to manoeuvre themselves out of a dangerous, difficult, anxiety provoking or thwarted situation is considerably impaired.



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Adrenalin and carbon dioxide together

If we have too much adrenalin, plus an over supply of carbon dioxide - not enough oxygen going around the system – our system gets very confused.

Basically it is like taking a handful of uppers and downers together.

The adrenalin is speeding us up and the carbon dioxide is doing its best to slow us down.

It is all too much, so we revert to behaviour as bazaar as we feel.

The problem is compounded by the fact that we learn negative behaviours from doing them and getting attention - giving a sense of power and control.



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So, how do we fix it? It’s really easy – doesn’t that make you

mad! Get rid of any excess adrenalin, replace

carbon dioxide with oxygen, set the scene for, and reinforce any positive behaviours.

Let’s put it into the classroom environment – as teachers you don’t have a magic wand to change the home environment.



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Getting rid of excess adrenalin



Remedy - Use it up with physical, non-competitive activities – preferably first thing in the morning, after all breaks and any highly competitive or difficult sessions.

Class room options Skipping – it’s boring, but uses up mega adrenalin (with the

bonus they have to breathe). It also assists left/right brain assimilation.

Star jumps – similar to skipping, no equipment needed. Stair walking – but you have to do enough of it to wear

them down. Running on the spot, hard; followed by some gentle

stretching – yoga or tai-chi. On an individual level a child can learn to ask for a skipping

rope and take time out themselves.

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Changing carbon dioxide to oxygen (1)

Remedy - Breathe in such a way that both top and bottom parts of the lungs get fresh air.

Breathe out first so that you empty the lungs of carbon dioxide before you start.

For some people it is such a novel experience – having oxygen in the system – that they feel high or euphoric!



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Changing carbon dioxide to oxygen (2)

Classroom options Teach and do breathing techniques in your

classes. If you know they have been in stuffy

environments open the windows and/or take them outside for 5 minutes of fast exercise.

Teach some simple 2 – 3 minute yoga with breathing routines. Salute to the sun is simple and easy to learn.

Introduce a 4 – 5 minute relaxation / breathing tape into you lesson plans.

All this can be done at home too!



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Set up and reward positive behaviours

Remedy Just do it. Get them addicted to good behaviours not

harmful ones. Brainstorm with other family members, friends, school

staff, supervisors, almost anyone, about your problem children / students and ways to try and set up positive behaviours and reward them.

Remember What works for one person may not always work for

another. For me as an adult I find a 20 minute walk works wonders – I don’t like the actual doing it, but the benefits are amazing! Give me sincere verbal stokes and I’m captivated, I’m yours!



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Six steps to changing a mood

Instant behaviour modification.

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This works if you do it, but it doesn’t work if you don’t!

It is not always easy to set up in a classroom situation; but well worth the effort, if you can. It’s easy to set up at home.

It works best in a primary school, or home setting, where it can be taught as a technique they can use for the rest of their life.

More organisation is needed for a High School. Try it yourself, and see exactly how it works. Then talk

about it with your children and /or students. Pick a real incident to demonstrate it, use yourself or a

co-operating child / student. Make it a cool thing to do and clearly outline the

benefits of having the ability to change ones mood (power and control).



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Step 1 - Breathe

BREATHE. Get that carbon dioxide out and the

oxygen in. Give the brain the tools it needs to

think more appropriately. Three good (slow) breaths – start by

breathing OUT!



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Step 2 – have half a glass of fruit-juice

HAVE HALF A GLASS OF FRUIT-JUICE. It has to be proper fruit juice. Apparently it is the natural sugars and vitamins

which give the body and brain a wee surge of energy. You don’t want any extra chemical cocktails with flavourings, colourings and taste enhances.

Failing the fruit juice, go for half a glass of water. At least the water will make sure that the brain has some fluid around it which it needs to send good clear messages. All to often people dehydrate – too much coffee, cola, fizz and not enough plain liquid.



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Step 3 – Think a pleasant thought THINK A PLEASANT THOUGHT. Learn to have a few pleasant thoughts you can

recall easily. This will disengage the brain from the present

negative, unhelpful thinking pattern, on to something else; it will also give you a little endorphin fix, a lift and mini high.

You can use the same pleasant thought over and over again – it is easier than having to think up new ones!



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Step 4 – Change focus

CHANGE FOCUS. Now actively choose to think about something else

- other than what put you in the mood you wanted to change.

If you are a stubborn person do it with all the stubbornness you can muster, if you are a humorous person do it with humour.

Whatever the key is - choose to think about something else.

As human beings we have the power to think what we want – our minds don’t rule us, we rule our minds!



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Step 5 –Move as if you are happy

MOVE AS IF YOU ARE HAPPY. Think about how people move when

they are happy or when they are angry, sad or frustrated.

Act out being happy. This in turn will make you feel better,

will lift your spirits.



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Step 6 –Acknowledge what you have just done

ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT YOU HAVE JUST DONE.

Give yourself a reward, a pat on the back. With all those manoeuvres going on in your

head, there is no way you can stay in the same mood as you were.

You have also shown very clearly to yourself and others that you have the POWER.

(This step is extremely important)



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Simple and effective This simple technique can be taught to anyone. The trick of course, is wanting to change the

mood in the first place. Anyone can do it; they just have to want to. Sometimes people are getting too much out of

being in the mood (attention, power, control) so they don’t want to change it – so…. make sure they don’t get the attention, power, control.

Make sure the ones who make the change do!



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Changing a habit / behaviour

Here are some of the theories relevant to behaviour and why we do them.

Behaviour is addictive because of what we believe (true or false) we get out of

it.

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WE ARE A MIXTURE OF:

Learned behaviour Rebellion

We understand where our behaviour is likely to have come

from

What works - and whatever works I

will use again and again, even if

it doesn’t work that well, or only worked once; I

just keep hoping it will perfect

itself.

Those behaviours I copied from parents, caregivers and other significant people, or

as seen on TV!

What works.

What hurts.

(What pisses others off)

That’s pathetic. I say I’ll never do it again. I think and think about it. I get really stressed and sure

enough, I’ve just found I’ve done it again.

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Behaviours are often as much a habit as any other addiction; and what that means

for us.



TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF OUR HABITS / DEPENDANCY

INSECURITIES

Lack of skills

Poor self image

Lack of confidence

A need to mask

Add pressure from parents, society or

peer pressure

We do something that gives us aTHRILL / HIGH / BUZZ

(which is usually anti-social)TO GIVE US A FEELING OF

POWER / CONTROL/ ATTENTION

When we stop doing it we feel

CONFUSED

And thenWithdraw

This, then, becomes the

habit / dependency

cycle

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We need to understand why it is so difficult to stop doing what we do



AVOIDING CHANGE – WHETHER I’M 5 OR 75 YEARS OLD

1. THE GOING GETS TOUGH.Life throws a stressful situation at me. Something I’m not sure how to handle. I do something stupid, I get into trouble, I tell a lie and get caught out, I steal

something. Trouble can be big or small. People treat me like an

idiot.

2. I FEEL I CAN’T COPESo I look for things that will give me a ‘buzz’.

If I’m an adult it might be booze, workload issues, drugs, sex, food, etc.

A young person may just pick something they consider will give them attention, a sense of

control or power, or do ALL the above anyway!.

3. I THENDo them more and more, to try to

keep the buzz going.If I wasn’t addicted to doing them

initially, I soon will be!

4. PROBLEM IS – I’m so busy doing whatever it is to desperately keep the buzz going, I don’t have time or energy to evaluate how

good or not it really feels, let alone look at stopping it.

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Understand the basic concepts of changing a behaviour / habit



BREAKING THE CYCLEA) First of all there has to be a MOTIVATOR. A reason why you / they would want to stop doing the old behaviour and instead go to the bother of doing the new behaviour.This is usually one of these three things:-1. A CRISIS – I’m up to my armpits in muck, I’m scared and it is clear to me now that I’m not winning.2. I’VE HAD ENOUGH – I’m tired, I want to stop this game, I want to get off, it’s not working out like I’d hoped.3. PRIMAL SURVIVAL – This one is more about doing it (making positive change) for our kids, or because of our beliefs.

B) Then we have to have CONTROL OF OUR DEPENDENCIES. For this to happen I need:-•The knowledge of what I do and why I do it.•My motivation to change – the why I’d want to.•The specific skills and techniques that are going to help me – related to what I do and why.•To see a light at the end of the tunnel.•A specific, step by step plan of action, complete with achievable and appropriate rewards.

C. GET ON & DO IT!

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Food for thought It is important that any person, young or old, working

on personal development or behaviour change begins with the end in mind. That they have a clear mental image of how they want to be. This sort of positive re-programming of patterns is a most effective tool.



You can see from the diagrams that it is very necessary for the young person to enter into dialogue and to self-express what their present patterns actually are, clearly seeing them for what they are, and then working out and talking about what new patterns might be like instead.

Adults must reinforce the new behaviours at every chance.

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Things, information, thoughts, discussions that may help us change

include:



I want to do it – I am clear about why and I can see that I can do it, it is possible.

I think about it – the consequences, outcomes, exactly who will be affected, risks and results of both the old behaviour and the new

behaviour.

I practice the new behaviour – with support, I also practice accepting change.

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Skills, skills, skillsI have the skills I can work on, to make the change and also on handling things when I

get it wrong. Trying to understand others.

Understanding self. I get help with working on patience, control,

communication and respect, for me and those around me.

Remember all this stuff is incredibly difficult for anyone, let alone a young person!



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Motivation – the biggy!



Motivation

Why would I want to put myself through all this.

How do I maintain, or get enough faith in myself so that I can reach for the goals I want?

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So, the basics for changing a behaviour are:

Label the behaviour you want to change and have a reason for changing it.

Know what you want to do instead. Believe you can change – see yourself doing it –

acting as you would like to be. Understand your stress cycle – how it works for you. Have a list of good / positive activities you can do,

or think about to relieve the stress or even do instead of the old behaviour.

Have a plan of action to deal with the ‘at risk’ times.



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Always appreciate

When we are stressed, confused or frightened, we will usually revert back to old habits and behaviours – so, extra care and planning is needed for success.

And remember – we can only change an old behaviour when we have a new behaviour to replace it with.



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The Power Triangle and Toxic Families

The effect of family buying into the power triangle has on children; assisting children to develop other more effective,

and less abusive, options and models.

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POWER TRIANGLE - GAMES PEOPLE OFTEN PLAY

The Power Triangle shows the roles that people often get into. It also helps us to see how dangerous such roles can become.

This part of the programme may help us to find better ways of working with children and teenagers, keeping us and them safer.

This is not a nice topic, however, this is the stuff that is so often the foundation of the lives of the people we work with.

This is the hurt, the yuck and the gore of real life. Different people deal differently with it, some people appear

undamaged by their toxic upbringing, but ask them later and hear the cost.

To effect change we need to assist people / children from such backgrounds to be strong enough to make change, to break the cycle, and for them to be able to bare that cost.



46Dealing with difficult behaviours

Roles within the power triangle

VICTIM

The helpless one, the hopeless one, the one who always looks for

support or advice, the one who depends on others.

PERSECUTOR

The one in control, s/he who must be obeyed, the one who calls the tune, the one who must be appeased, the bossy bully.

RESCUER

The softie, the helper (enabler),

the one who tries to do the right

thing, the meat in the sandwich.

People and children involved in the triangle are often well able to play all three roles – it just depends what is likely to get them more of what they want, at that time.

People and children involved in the triangle are often well able to play all three roles – it just depends what is likely to get them more of what they want, at that time.


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Benefits! Who gets what out of these roles in the triangle?

Each of the players gets benefits from being in the triangle.

Often as one of the parties tries to remove themselves from the

triangle, the others will sabotage their growth.

Notice how similar this cycle is to bullying.



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DYSFUNCTIONAL HOMES ARE THOSE IN WHICH ONE OR MOREOF THE FOLLOWING OCCUR 1

Abuse of alcohol and/or other drugs (prescribed or illicit). Compulsive behaviour such as compulsive eating, working,

cleaning, gambling, spending, dieting, exercising and so on; these practices are addictive behaviours, as well as part of a progressive disease process; among their many other harmful effects, they effectively disrupt and prevent honest contact and intimacy in a family.

Battering of spouse and/or children. Inappropriate sexual behaviour on the part of a parent

toward a child, ranging from seductiveness to incest. Extended periods of time in which parents refuse to speak to

each other.




DYSFUNCTIONAL HOMES ARE THOSE IN WHICH ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING OCCUR 2

Parents who have conflicting attitudes or values or display contradictory behaviours that compete for their children’s allegiance.

Parents who are competitive with each other or their children.

Parents who cannot relate to others in the family and thus actively avoid them, while blaming them for this avoidance.

Extreme rigidity about money, religion, work, use of time, displays of affection, sex, television, housework, sports, politics and so on; obsession with any of these can preclude contact and intimacy, because the emphasis is not on relating, but following the rules.




If one parent displays any of these kinds of behaviours or obsessions, it is damaging to the child.

If both parents are caught up in any of these unhealthy practices, the results may be even more detrimental.

Often parents practice complimentary kinds of pathology. For instance, an alcoholic and a compulsive eater will

marry, and then each will struggle to control the other’s addiction.

Parents also often balance each others unhealthy ways; when the smothering, over-protective mother is married to

the angry and rejecting father each parent is actually enabled by the other’s behaviour and attitudes to continue

relating to the children in a destructive way.




Dysfunctional families come in many styles and varieties, but they all share one effect they

have on children growing up in them.

These children are to some extent damaged in their ability

to feel and relate.



Take a child growing up in an alcoholic home as an example 1:

If I grow up with an alcoholic parent, I grow up in confusion. Alcohol sees to that. Alcohol, however, does not decide how I perceive that confusion.

I carefully craft and engineer those perceptions - so that with a child’s perspective and needs - I can believe I am special, cared for, not abandoned; that I can get some form of attention, a sense of power, an area of control over my life (so that I have a reason for existing).

I also devise amazing defence mechanisms in order to live with and keep those perceptions in tact.



Take a child growing up in an alcoholic home as an example 2:

The defence mechanisms I create are powerful resources that keep me alive, but as I grow and

mature those resources threaten my adult stability; they stop me from achieving my

potential. They siphon off energy I so badly need for growth,

to be whole, to be a person in my own right. Early coping mechanisms can blister adult

relationships, parenting skills, job performance, my ability to enjoy life and even life itself.



Have a look at your child / students & think about some of the rules they

probably have to live by.

An example of some of the rules - overtly or covertly acknowledged -that exist in such families might include:

It’s not okay to talk about or express feelings openly – if you do you are a sissy.

Don’t address issues or relationships directly – it’s just not done.

Always be strong, always be good, always be perfect - or you’re nothing.

Don’t be selfish.Do as I say .... Not as I do.

It’s not okay to play.Don’t rock the boat – or you’ll get eaten by the shark (never

mind just falling in the water)



Working co-operatively to collapse the triangle

In order to get out of the triangle way of doing things we need to find another way – to break the cycle we need to work like this:

CONSULTATION

PARTICIPATION

CO-OPERATION

WE DO IT BETTER TOGETHER!

PowerGames

PowerGames



Getting out of role and being co-operative

What could a person do to collapse the triangle and remove themself from the power game role that they no longer wish to play?

PERSECUTOR / BULLY

VICTIM

RESCUER / WITNESS


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Why might it be better to do the co-operative thing?

What are some of the

advantages that co-

operative decision-

making has over power games?


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Being pro-active rather than reactive

The difference between proactive and reactive responses and how to up-skill a young person to respond pro-actively.


BEING PRO-ACTIVE

There are those people who are reactive and those that are pro-active. Reactive people hand over power / control to others, and thus get more stressed. Let’s look at the difference.

REACTIVE people are:•Affected by their physical environment.•Into blaming others.•Into blaming things, circumstances etc, for their plight.•Often overly defensive or protective.• Dependent on others.

PRO-ACTIVE people are;•Being responsible for their own life.•Driven by their own values.•Want to feel comfortable about taking the initiative.

Which one has the most fun and gets more of what they want?

Which one has the most fun and gets more of what they want?


Difference between ‘liberty’ and ‘freedom’

Pro-active people understand the difference between:

LIBERTY – which is outside of us, options to choose from our environments - if you go to prison your liberty is taken away.

FREEDOM no one can take your freedom away while you are living,

breathing and thinking– our internal power, our ability to choose from options involving:

INSPIRATION – from the word inspire.

MEANING – your beliefs.

DIGNITY – your ability to hold your head up, walk tall, feel proud.


Freedom to choose

As human beings when we have a situation we can choose our response.

We do not have to just react!

We have freedom to choose -

if our response is pro-active the choice will include.

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Discussion with children may go along the lines of:

What I’d (really!!) like to do.The difference between what we know

to be good and bad, positive and negative.

What else I can think of.What my strengths and weaknesses

are and how best to utilise them.



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A comment about addictions, alcohol and TV violence on children and teenagers

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The effect of addictions, alcohol and TV violence on children and teenagers

It is very simple.Children and teenagers don’t

need them.They don’t need to see them,

they don’t need to be party to them and it is up to the adults in their lives to keep them safe from them.



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The ENDDealing with difficult behaviours


1 dealing with difficult behaviours a presentation for parents, caregivers teachers and support...

Documents

adrenalin adrenalin

difficult behaviours

child dreading playtime

antisocial behaviours

scary anxiety

parents arguments re

carbon dioxide

scary feelings