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Introduction

Conflict is an unavoidable fact of human life. Conflict can be internal,

external, situational, and/or perpetual. The more a person identifies with the

stakes of the conflict the more emotionally terrifying the situation becomes.

In those moments many simply do not know how to deal with the task of

overcoming the conflict and moving forward in their relationships. This issue

will be addressed with specific emphasis on personal relationships such as

friendship, marriage, and family.

In order to provide a clear analysis of how to surmount the fear of

approaching conflict, and to do so effectively, a case study in the form of

fictional situations discovered in the novel Belong to Me will be provided.

This novel provides the opportunity to address how to begin and effectively

execute a particularly stressful difficult conversation, it provides a view into

a particularly successful marriage and gives the opportunity to demonstrate

the difference between perpetual and solvable problems within that

marriage, and lastly the novel looks into the benefits and pitfalls of the new

modern family.

To approach all of this information efficiently a summary of the novel

and the key events of focus will be provided. This will be followed by an

analysis of Event One in respect to why difficult conversations are

problematic to engage in and then suggestions for how Event One could

have been approached differently. As a lead in to Event Two there will be a

discussion about what specific attributes and actions signify a healthy

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marriage and how the participants of Event Two fall into this category. This

will follow with an analysis of the impact of Event Two upon the case study

characters and provide key questions to ask when determining if the

problem they face is perpetual or solvable. In turn suggestions for how deal

with Event Two will ensue. Finally, this paper will discuss the positive steps

taken by all involved in the case study of Belong to Me in order to

incorporate a healthy environment in their modern family demonstrating that

even extremely tense situations can have a positive outcome when conflict

is addressed versus avoided.

Summary

In the novel Belong to Me the relational connections of suburbia, such

as marriage, friendship, and family are brought to the forefront for analysis.

Cornelia was a small town girl who married her childhood friend. They had a

great life in the city, but after 8 years Cornelia has the urge to move back to

suburbia to raise a family. Her husband Teo is more than willing to make

this journey with her. However the pull of suburbia loses much of its charm

as Cornelia fails to impress the ringleader of the suburban housewives. Then

Cornelia meets Lake, who arrived in town shortly after Teo and Cornelia, and

her life starts to change in ways that she could never have imagined. Lake

introduces Cornelia to her son Dev. Lake and Cornelia grow closer after this,

but when Cornelia tells Lake the news that she is pregnant, with her child

Penny, something within Lake seems to shift before Cornelia’s eyes. As time

goes by Lake continues to push Dev closer to Teo and Cornelia while

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withdrawing herself from the situation. Cornelia is hurt and confused by the

circumstances, but does not press Lake. As the novel progresses the reader

starts to realize that Lake is withholding something from her son, from

Cornelia, and from Teo. Then the issue being repressed by Lake becomes

too complicated to remain hidden and Dev, Cornelia, and Teo find out that

14 year old Dev is Teo’s son.

To appropriately address the nuances of this conflict it will be broken

into Event One and Event Two. Event One is Lake’s decision to not engage

in the difficult conversation of telling Dev, Cornelia, and Teo her real reason

for coming to town. Event Two is the conflict that arises between Cornelia

and Teo once this information is discovered. After analyzing these two

events a discussion of the modern family and its conflicts will follow.

Event One

In order to provide reflection upon Event One this paper will reference

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most written by

members of the Harvard Negotiation Project: Stone et al. To start, the

authors state that in every difficult conversation that has, or has not, been

brought up there is the What Happened Conversation, the Identity

Conversation, and the Feelings Conversation (Stone, 1999). In Lake’s case

these conversations are internal versus external. In her mind she is going

over what happened which is; she got pregnant by a man that she broke up

with and then decided to not tell him, nor her son, once Dev was born. Now

14 years later she is raising an extremely gifted child and thinks he may

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need funding for an education that she cannot afford on her own. She alone

has to face the idea of delivering news that will change three lives around

her. As she gets to know and like Cornelia the decision to speak up becomes

even harder.

This predicament is common across all types of situations. When

delivering bad news, people can get stuck in the cycle of trying to figure out

a way to relay the sensitive information without hurting anyone’s feelings.

When no solution comes to mind, avoidance of the issue continues, while

internal tension grows. In relation to this dilemma Stone et al explain:

Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade.

Coated with sugar, thrown hard or soft, a hand grenade is still

going to do damage…and keeping it to yourself is no better.

Choosing not to deliver a difficult message is like hanging onto a

hand grenade once you’ve pulled the pin (1999, pp. xvii-xviii).

This metaphor is used to help one understand that there is a trap in

thinking there is a perfect way to address a conflict so that no one will

hurt. In most cases, someone is already hurt, that is why there is a

conflict. While Lake is going around in her mind trying to find a way

out of the situation, she is failing to see that the conflict already exists

within her and she cannot walk away from herself. How Lake perceives

the issue is stopping her from taking the necessary steps toward

engaging in conversation with her loved ones.

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This means that there is nothing that Lake can do to make the conflict

and pain disappear. By considering only action, a person can fail to realize

that “at heart the problem isn’t in your actions, it’s in your thinking” (Stone,

1999, p. xx). Stone et al. would suggest a “shift from a ‘message delivery’

stance to a ‘learning’ stance” (1999, p. xx). This means Lake can stop

worrying about the perfect solution and can instead focus on learning what

Dev, Cornelia, and Teo are thinking after the news has been delivered.

However, to reach a full understanding of the complexity of the situation it is

necessary to look deeper than just the What Happened Conversation. The

next crucial factor is the Feelings Conversation.

Feelings can be powerful indicators and when left unaddressed there

can be negative consequences. If Lake were calm then that would indicate a

situation that poses little threat to her sense of well-being. However, there is

conflict inside her and Lake knows this because she is feeling reluctant to

broach the conversation. The longer she waits the more powerful her

feelings become. Reluctance mixes with resentment and this with dread and

that dread comes from a sense of fear. By holding these feelings within,

Lake is slowly poisoning her sense of worth, because “when important

feelings remain unexpressed, you may experience a loss of self-esteem”

(Stone, 1999, p. 90). It becomes evident that Lake is experiencing this

turmoil when she starts distancing herself from Cornelia and then pushing

away the man she is falling in love with who is also unaware of her real

reasons for coming to Willow Street. As Lake continues to avoid the conflict

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within her she is starting to believe she is not worthy of continued respect

and love.

In concern to Lake and to all people facing this roadblock, a good

message to remember is this: “No matter who we are, no matter how high

and mighty we fancy ourselves, or how low and unworthy we may feel, we all

deserve to be treated with respect and dignity” (Stone, 1999, p. 186). This

means it is important to understand that although Lake may think she is not

worthy of love and respect, she is. It is essential to remember that all

humans are flawed. At some point in their lives, every person will make a

mistake, perhaps even a colossal mistake, that will hurt someone they care

about. For Lake to accept this, would mean accepting her feelings about the

situation, accepting the pain of her loved ones, and realizing that neither her

feelings, nor theirs should be denied the outlet of conversation. Once

discovering the myriad of feelings experienced during a conflict, it is

important to determine why that particular conflict triggered those specific

emotions through the Identity Conversation.

The question of what happened is an external stimulus while the

question of why it mattered is usually tied to internal identity. Any one

person can react to the same stimulus in a myriad of ways. Another person

may not find it hard to confront the topic at hand, but Lake is deeply

conflicted. Why? Usually this confliction is in direct relation to a person’s

perceived identity, because “our anxiety results not just from having to face

the other person, but from having to face ourselves” (Stone 1999, pp. 111-

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112). While the number of potential identities are infinite, Stone et al assert

that, “Three identity issues seem particularly common, and often underlie

what concerns us most during difficult conversations: Am I competent? Am I

a good person? Am I worthy of love?” (1999, p. 112). All of these concerns

are prevalent for Lake.

The reason this conflict is so overwhelming for Lake is because she

perceives all three of the common identities to be at stake. Over the past 14

years she has been making decisions for Dev and he has seen her as his rock

and she knows it. Now she is faced with the realization that he has been

suffering in school and that she may not be able to provide for a better

education on her own. To finally confront Teo with the information about his

son would mean coming to terms with the need to ask him for help and

bringing her competence identity into question. Then there is the fear that

when the news is out, she will hurt her son Dev and she will hurt Cornelia.

Lake sees herself as a good mother and her son is her life and his happiness

is more important to her than her own. Thinking of the confusion and pain

that her message could cause is horrifying for Lake. Likewise, she sees

herself as a good friend and while her intentions were good (she wanted to

find out the type of family she would potentially be exposing Dev to) the end

result was deception and not the actions of the good person identity. Finally,

the most important identity of all, am I worthy of love? As Lake is already

questioning her competence and her status as a good person her thoughts

on being worthy of love are wavering. What if her son, the most important

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person in her life, ends up hating her? The fear that Dev will hate her

already has her believing she is not loveable as displayed by her pushing

away both the man she loves and the friendship that she craves with

Cornelia.

Lake is caught in an “all-or-nothing” state of mind. Stone et al write,

“The biggest factor that contributes to a vulnerable identity is “all-or-

nothing” thinking: I’m either competent or incompetent, good or evil, worthy

of love or not” (1999, p. 114). The fact of the matter is that everyone is

human and, therefore, flawed. People make mistakes. They can be both

competent and have moments of incompetence, be good people and still

end up hurting others, and be worthy of love and still face rejection and

disappointment.

Suggestions

Lake could have approached her internal conflict through a different

lens, thus affecting the likelihood of her ability to approach the task of

delivering controversial information to the people she cares for. It starts with

the What Happened Conversation. In reality Lake is proportioning blame and

a lot of that blame is falling back on her. Lake believes she has failed to

provide a stable learning environment for her son and she believes it is her

fault that Cornelia will be destroyed by the news of her husband having a

child with another woman. Blame creates either/or thinking. Lake feels

either she is to blame, or she is not. This is simplifying the situation. It is

best to focus on contribution (Stone, 1999). Teo contributed to the situation

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by having unprotected sex and then not inquiring about the outcome. The

teachers contributed to the situation by turning Dev into the enemy versus

finding ways to encourage his mental abilities. Lake contributed by not

finding Teo, by not telling Dev the truth about his father, and by befriending

Cornelia before explaining the situation to her. Cornelia contributed by not

inquiring into why Lake pulled away. The contribution may not be equal, but

no conversation has a single person to blame nor a single right, or wrong

answer. If Lake could coach herself through the What Happened

Conversation, using contribution as her beacon, she can start to tutor her

mindset into seeing the conflict through a broader and more complex scope.

Next Lake needs to confront her feelings.

Lake could be feeling anything from shame to panic over the issue of

raising this tough topic. However, if she continues to push those feelings

down, then they will continue to inflict emotional harm. Lake needs to

confront her feelings and accept them for what they are: real. Whether she

admits to them or not, comes to term with them, or not, her feelings will still

be there. Therefore, if Lake accepts her feelings and accepts her right to

have them, she can continue to move even closer to a healthy and

productive mindset capable of managing her conflict. Lake must realize that

she has the right to be sad, scared, confused, unsure, angry, all of the above

and she must realize that it is okay to share those feelings. If she had, in an

alternate universe, confronted Dev, Teo, and Cornelia, before the situation

blew up in her face, she would have had the opportunity to share her

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uncertainty and her fear and anxiety over departing the complicated news

she had to impart. She could have given them the opportunity to

understand her reasons for reluctance and given them the opportunity to

open up in turn with how they felt. As happened, Lake did not confront her

feelings and when the situation came to light, everyone was too caught up in

their own emotions to be able to see where Lake was coming from.

Therefore, in the coaching scenario, it would be wise for Lake to go through

her Feelings Conversation while placing an emphasis upon her entitlement to

feel the way she feels and still deserve respect. Finally Lake needs to have

the Identity Conversation.

After Lake has accepted her feelings, she needs to realize where those

feelings are stemming from. This usually has to do with a fear of having an

identity put on the table for attack. Lake should walk herself through the

identity questions of: Am I competent?, Am I a good person?, and Am I

loveable? As she asks herself these questions she needs to understand the

vulnerability she feels within each category. Then, and most importantly,

she needs to realize that it is ok to be vulnerable in each category; it is ok to

be fallible. Lake must appreciate the beauty of and thinking; she can both

admit to her mistakes and still be a competent person. She can possibly hurt

those she cares about with this information and still be a good person, and

she can accept Dev and Cornelia’s disappointment and still be loveable.

Once Lake realizes that everyone is complex, including herself, she can let

go of the burden of always saying and doing and knowing the right thing and

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start to simply be. She can accept who she is and what she feels and realize

her and others’ contributions and simply state what she knows and feels

about herself and then be open to receiving the same information from those

around her.

Walking through the entire process of internal conflict through Lake’s

eyes is a great way to understand and utilize the power of the Three

Conversations. Now it is time to look at what conflict arises for Cornelia and

Teo after the news of Dev’s heritage is discovered. First it will be good to

analyze the state of Teo and Cornelia’s marriage. Determining if they have a

healthy marriage is important in analyzing how they will be affected by

conflict. Marriages with healthy habits are normally better able to cope with

conflict when it arises, because they have a strong foundation of mutual

respect. Therefore, for those wanting to analyze the conflict arising for Teo

and Cornelia in order to apply it to their own marriages, it is necessary to

understand how they are already succeeding within their marriage.

How to Determine a Healthy Marriage

In analyzing the structures of marital conflict, this paper will reflect

upon the text The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical

Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert written by John M.

Gottman Ph.D. To start, Gottman makes a strong assertion:

At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy

marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a

mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.

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These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well

versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes,

and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and

express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways

day in and day out” (1999, pp. 19-20).

By looking at a couple of quotes from Belong to Me, it is clearly apparent that

this is indeed the type of marriage Teo and Cornelia are a part of. The first

sign of their happy marriage occurs early in the novel. Cornelia is looking

around their new neighborhood thinking about how it looks like home to her

when:

‘It looks like home,’ Teo said, and after a mild double take (very

mild, since the man reads my mind with unnerving regularity)…

and although we were years and miles away from that place,

that childhood…I could almost see the children we had been

darting through the dusk (Santos, 2008, p. 3).

This statement demonstrates how in sync Cornelia feels with her husband.

For her it is just a matter of course that her husband would read her mind

and be able to recall their earliest childhood memories. This ties in to what

Gottman says about emotionally intelligent couples: “Emotionally intelligent

couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds” (1999, p. 48).

A second sign of the stable state of their marriage can be examined

through this passage: “ ‘Whose side are you on?’ I demanded, although of

course I knew the answer. Always and in every way that mattered, mine”

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(Santos, 2008, p. 11). This statement is especially powerful, because it

reveals that inherently Cornelia feels that she and her husband are in “it”

together. That it is them versus the world. In an unhappy marriage Cornelia

would not feel that sense of “we-ness.” In an unhappy marriage Cornelia

would feel isolated from Teo and instead of internally assuming that of

course he has her back, she would be assuming the opposite.

Now for a final question, “Do Cornelia and Teo have shared meaning in

their lives?” In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Gottman talks extensively about the importance of shared meaning:

Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can

also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together

—a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and

goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the

family you have become (1999, pp. 243-244).

A beautiful expression of this sentiment is laid bare when Cornelia tells Teo

that she is pregnant after they have been trying for months:

‘I’m five feet tall,’ I told him. ‘Will you still love me when I’m

spherical?’ And there it was, around his face for maybe half a

second, an aurora of gold. ‘Cor,’ he said. Latin for heart. A

nickname he almost never used, one so private, it’s almost a

secret from us, too. ‘I’ve been waiting my whole life to love you

when you’re spherical’ (Santos, 2008, p. 171).

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This is an example of shared meaning. During a momentous time in their

lives Teo uses a nickname so special it is known only by the two of them,

showing their solidarity in that moment of not just being Teo and Cornelia,

but of being a couple.

By applying the characteristics of happy and healthy marriages, as

defined by Dr. Gottman, to the relationship between Teo and Cornelia it can

be clearly shown that they are experiencing a stable and committed

marriage. Now it will be interesting to see how they respond to each other

during an extreme conflict in Event Two. In analyzing Event Two this paper

will discuss how to determine whether the conflict Teo and Cornelia face is

perpetual or solvable and why. This will be followed by suggestions for

dealing with marital conflict as a whole.

Event Two

The case with perpetual and solvable problems is that they both arise

out of personal perception. Whereas for one couple the issue of how fast the

husband drives is something that can be talked through logically and without

much heat, another couple may become gridlocked and unable to move past

it. According to Gottman, this has to do with dreams:

To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first

understand its cause. Whether the issue is momentous, like

which of your religions to pass on to your children, or ridiculous,

like which way to fold dinner napkins, gridlock is a sign that you

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have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or

respected by each other (1999, p. 217).

Therefore, while one wife may simply be annoyed with her husband’s driving,

another wife may feel like his driving is a sign of aggression and his

unwillingness to slow down may actually mean her dream of being in a

relationship that provides calm security is not being realized. Therefore, the

issue is not the driving, it is the lack of a realized dream. So simply put,

perpetual problems are dealing with the subtext of an argument. Any

specific argument is just a reverberation of an unrealized dream as a whole.

On the other hand, solvable problems are situational; they are a case by

case basis that normally has a reasonable solution. As Gottman states, “One

way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut

wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones” (1999, p. 134).

Perpetual problems are a sign of something deeper; the dream that is not

being realized. Therefore, the situation at hand is only the visible conflict,

while the true conflict remains invisible. In most cases, perpetual problems

will exist throughout a marriage and these problems will need to be

addressed again and again. While never truly resolved, couples can learn to

integrate them into their relationships and live with these problems without

extreme emotional duress. With the difference between solvable and

perpetual problems established, it is time to find out which category Teo and

Cornelia fall under.

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When Cornelia hears the news, she is shattered. At first this conflict

shows the potential to be a perpetual gridlocked problem. This is what

Cornelia thinks and sees:

I focus on his green eyes, and wish upon them the way people

wish upon shooting stars and dandelion clocks. It is not a brave

wish. Belong to me, I think. I rest a finger on the dip in his upper

lip, then lift it away. ‘Teo, tell me what all of this means’ (Santos,

2008, p. 330).

Teo continues to stand in front of Cornelia and his focus is on her, but then

Dev loses his composure and runs out the door:

Dev moves fast toward the door, and that’s when it happens, the

thing that, afterward, I will keep seeing happen: Teo jumping to

his feet, turning his back in his white polo shirt, going after Dev,

leaving me gasping and sick. Leaving Penny (Santos, 2008, p.

331).

These moments demonstrate that Cornelia has a dream of belonging within

her relationship. For her the relationship hinged upon it being her and Teo,

and now Penny, against the world. By realizing that he already had a son

with another woman she feels like that dream is being ripped apart. This

inner dilemma is further demonstrated as Cornelia talks to her friend Piper

about the situation of incorporating Dev into her vision of a family:

‘Oh I know I can love Dev. I know that. And I will do whatever

needs doing. I’m talking about happiness. I don’t know if I can

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be happy with Dev in our lives as Teo’s son.’…‘It’s just that I had

a vision of how my life would be. I’ve had visions before that

never came to pass, and I was better off for getting thrown for a

loop. But this. It’s hard to let go of my idea of family, just Teo

and me and our little baby’ (Santos, 2008, p. 341).

The fact that Cornelia is willing to work at the problem and work at loving

Dev is a good sign, but her doubts about happiness are not. If she cannot

overcome her negative feelings about losing the dream of family that she

had envisioned for herself, then eventually her bitterness will continue to

grow into a perpetual problem in a gridlocked state with no room to

maneuver. All marriages will have perpetual problems that continually recur

and resolve. The problem with gridlock is that there is no ebb in the conflict.

The conflict stagnates so that neither party can feel at peace within the

marriage. However, there are key moments that signify that this issue,

though perpetual, will not end in a gridlock for Teo and Cornelia. First she

states:

I never see my husband from a distance…Immediacy comprises

most of how I love him. Total immersion…this didn’t change, not

as I sat in Penny’s room searching his face, not through the fifty-

six hours of hell I was about to put him through. I loved him the

way I always love him, the whole time (Santos, 2008, p. 336).

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This shows that while Cornelia is feeling the distress of having her dream

taken away from her, she still sees Teo as her rock. She still sees him as the

one she wants to turn toward. Gottman writes:

Partners who characteristically turn toward each other rather

than away are putting money in the bank. They are building up

emotional savings that can serve as a cushion when times get

rough, when they’re faced with major life stress or conflict (1999,

p. 80).

It is apparent that Cornelia is indeed drawing upon that emotional bank

account and that while she is devastated, she is not losing faith in her love,

respect, and admiration for her husband. The next demonstrated situation is

vital. As the stress of the conflict continues to rise between them, Teo finally

states that he would understand if she wanted to walk away. After hearing

this, in the middle of the night Cornelia wakes up in a panic and runs down to

Teo to tell him:

‘You’re not allowed to think I’d leave you. You hear me? Or that

I wouldn’t have married you if I had known. I’m sorry. I love you

so much, and still, I made you feel that way.’ ‘Cor.’ He ran his

fingers over my face. ‘I’m sorry, too. I missed you.’ (Cornelia) ‘I

left you alone with everything. But I wont do that anymore. I

promise…I have a new question for you. For both of us.’ ‘Ok.’

‘What are we going to do?’ As soon as I said it, I understood its

power, this single, simple question, and what had frightened me

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so much was suddenly no longer a threat. It was something for

us to do together, to make a part of us (Santos, 2008, pp. 347-

348).

This essential moment changes everything about how the conflict will be

resolved. This is because Cornelia was able to maintain her dream. She was

able to maintain her sense of Teo and her against the world. This changes

the game. Now the issue of Dev is not something that can potentially

destroy Cornelia’s sense of self, instead it is a perpetual issue, but one that

her and Teo are happy to figure out together. They decide they want Dev to

be a part of their lives and that they want him to feel as much a part of the

family as possible. They discuss this both with Dev and with Lake, imploring

them both to stay in town and give everyone a chance to forge together a

new sense of family. In the following section of suggestions this paper will

address what Teo and Cornelia did right.

Suggestions

Event One was an opportunity to explore how conflict management

can go wrong. Event Two gives us the opportunity to examine how conflict

management can go right. The first aspect to approach is how well Teo and

Cornelia support one another. This is not some magical happening that

occurs for only a few, it is a choice. When Cornelia talks about her day she

knows that Teo is listening and supporting her. When big moments happen

she knows he is going to be experiencing them and celebrating them with

her. More importantly she knows he is going to remember the little

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moments. Their shared history is prevalent in both of their minds and

throughout the book they call upon it quickly. They have both chosen to

make the other person an important part of their lives and they actively

participate in supporting each other; in doing so they continue to build

mutual respect and admiration. This paper suggests following the same

tactics and viewing love as a verb, an action.

If love is an action then it is something that must be done. A man

must actively love his wife and in order to make that a verb he must do

something. So paying attention, asking about her day, remembering the

names of her friends, perhaps bringing flowers home spontaneously, these

are all acts of love and they beget the same in kind. When a woman sees

that her man is actively loving her, she feels respected, admired and

cherished and is more likely to then in turn do the same for him. It does not

matter who starts the cycle, it only matters that there does indeed exist a

cycle of actively loving and continuing to build the emotional bank account

that Gottman refers to.

When extreme conflict was introduced to Teo and Cornelia they of

course both suffered from some severe fallout. However, their strong

foundation held them together giving them the fighting chance that couples

without an emotional bank account do not have. Therefore, in spite of the

tough situation they still turned toward each other and came together as a

couple to find a way through the circumstance together. To follow this

example is to save a marriage. Even without a strong foundation if a couple

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makes the decision to turn toward each other and find a way through the

conflict together, they stand a chance of increasing their sense of we and

coming out of the conflict stronger in their relationship and feelings toward

one another.

In so far this paper has discussed difficult conversations through an

analysis and evaluation of Event One. Then a guideline for understanding

how a healthy marriage operates was provided by citing the work of John M.

Gottman, PH. D. This was followed by an analysis of how the case study

couple handled their marriage when faced with an extreme conflict in Event

Two. The suggestions that followed encouraged readers to use Event Two as

an example of how conflict can be managed effectively. Now this paper will

offer a brief discussion on the outcome of the particular conflict provided by

the case study of Belong to Me: The modern family.

The Modern Family

For this discussion, reference to The Marriage and Family Experience:

Intimate Relationships in a Changing Society will be provided. The modern

family referred to in this discussion is the non-traditional family, i.e. blended

families, or stepfamilies. As the 21st Century continues to progress, the

number of non-traditional families continues to increase. With them come a

host of new insecurities and potential for conflict. A good way to stop the

fight before it begins is to concede that the modern family is not like the

traditional family and so should not be expected to fit into the same mold.

Strong et al. of The Marriage and Family Experience state:

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If we try to make our feelings and relationships in a stepfamily

identical to those of an intact family, we are bound to fail. But if

we recognize that the stepfamily works differently and provides

different satisfactions and challenges, we can appreciate the

richness it brings us and have a successful stepfamily (2005, p.

516).

This means it is necessary to approach a stepfamily with a realistic mindset

and realize that love and cohesiveness will not be achieved overnight. This

is exemplified in Belong to Me when Cornelia states, “It is one of the days

when we make it look easy, and trust me when I tell you that we have our

hard days, too. Hard weeks. But I’ve found that if you insist on goodwill, if

everyone insists on it together, goodwill comes. I’ve found that love can be

a decision. Forgiveness, too” (Santos, 2008, pp. 385-386). Here we see that

after the conflict has settled, Lake, Dev, Teo, Cornelia, and Penny are all part

of a new family and that it requires work, but as a whole they have decided

to choose a collaborative approach versus one of hostility.

One of the recurring issues faced by this new family is the issue of

territoriality between Lake and Teo. For 14 years Lake has raised Dev

herself and has had the sole say in how he was raised. Now that Teo is

aware he is a father he wants to be a part of the decision making as well. As

reflected by Stone et al:

A stepfather usually joins an already established single-parent

family. He may find himself having to squeeze into it. The

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longer a single-parent family has been functioning, the more

difficult is usually is to reorganize it (2005, p. 521).

While Teo has not remarried into the family of Lake and Dev, he has been

latently brought into the established schema just the same. In Belong to Me

Cornelia speaks in reference to Lake and Teo’s new relationship, “She

reserves her territoriality, her assertions of parental primacy, for Teo, who

for all his quietude and kindness, can be as fierce as anyone. What saves

them every time, what drives them into truces, compromises, and listening,

is Dev” (Santos, 2005, p. 387). This is great news. It shows that while Teo

and Lake are going to be confronted with conflict again and again, Lake is

willing to bring the issue to light versus hiding it in the dark, and both her

and Teo are willing to come together for the shared meaning of Dev. If Lake

could be coached through the processes of the Three Conversations she

would be able to bring a strength and new awareness to her modern family,

and if Teo could bring the strengths he has developed through his marriage

to this new family, including Cornelia, then everyone stands a chance at

living full, happy and healthy lives. Lives that will no doubt be full of conflict,

but also filled with resolution, consideration, and respect.

Conclusion

This paper has addressed conflict issues between friends, parent to

child, husband to wife, and in context of the modern family. By first cross-

examining Event One, as occurred in the case study Belong to Me, with

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most written as part of

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the Harvard Negotiation Project, one could see the complexity of conflict. It

was demonstrated that there are three conversations present during conflict:

The What Happened Conversation, the Feelings Conversation, and the

Identity Conversation. Stress occurs in the what happened conversation

when the focus is an emphasis on fixing the problem versus understanding

it. In the feeling conversation stress arises when feelings are ignored,

allowed to fester, or thought to be unworthy of notice. Finally, stress takes

place when the internal identity conversation is perceived as either/or versus

and.

Next this paper provided insight into what constitutes a healthy

marriage as defined by The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A

Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert written by

John M. Gottman, PH.D. It was asserted that healthy marital couples know

each other intimately, are emotionally intelligent, and they have shared

meaning.

Following this definition cross analysis between Event Two as it

occurred in Belong to Me and the work of John M. Gottman clarified the

difference between solvable and perpetual problems. Solvable problems are

situational and normally have a reasonable solution. Perpetual problems are

the result of an unrealized dream.

After analyzing Event Two, suggestions were provided for managing

marital conflict. It was encouraged to view love as a verb. This meant

actively engaging in activities of affection and respect. Then the importance

25

of an emotional bank account was emphasized to include creating an overall

sense of we within the marriage.

Finally, the prevalent issues encountered in the modern family as

indicated by The Marriage and Family Experience: Intimate Relationships in a

Changing Society were cross-examined with the similar issues demonstrated

in the Belong to Me case study. This exhibited that the modern family

should not be expected to feel like a traditional family and that territoriality

issues are bound to be frequent. It was also emphasized that in spite of

opportunities for conflict, the modern family can be healthy and happy.

Works Cited

Gottman, John, Silver, Nan. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage

Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship

Expert. New York, New York: Crown Publishers, Inc.

Santos, de los Marisa. (2008). Belong to Me. New York, New York:

HarperCollins Publishers.

Stone, Douglas, Patton, Bruce, Heen, Sheila. Difficult Conversation: How to

Discuss What Matters Most. New York, New York: Penguin Group, Inc.

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Strong, Bryan, DeVault, Christine, Cohen, Theodore. (2005). The Marriage

and Family Experience: Intimate Relationships in a Changing Society.

Belmont, California: Thomson Learning, Inc.