above rubies magazine • fall 2011

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CONTENTS

LETTER FROM FOUNDER

YOUR MARRIAGE CAN SUCCEED

SINGLES

EDITOR’S PICKS

SURVIVE AND THRIVE

MAKING FITNESS A HABIT

HOLIDAY MAKEUP TRENDS

TRAVEL TREASURES

KICK OFF BLUE SHOES

WHERE IS YOUR MONEY GOING?

COVER: LADY TRINA JENKINS

FASHION

IN THE SPOTLIGHT

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BOOK CLUB

www.aboverubiesmag.com 5

Restoring the Christian Family

Price: $8.00

Timely. Prophetic. On the cutting edge. In Restoring the Christian Family, the Sandfords confront the issues facing families today with sound logic based on scriptural truth. In-depth insights from more than thirty years of counseling experience combine forcefully with helpful illustrations from the author’s own family life, providing practical wisdom for every reader who is concerned about his or her family. Restoring the Christian Family helps to fulfi ll the prophecy of Malachi, “And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers.”(Mal. 4: 6)

COVER STORY


Don’t Just Survive - Thrive!

Eight Tips for Stepfamilies

By Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

With divorce, single-parent households and family crises on the rise, many people are experiencing the tumultuous dynamics of blended or stepfamilies. National statistics indicate that the divorce rate for first marriages is fifty percent. That rate increases to more than sixty percent for second marriages due in part to the unique issues associated with raising non-biological children. To ensure successful blending of your family, consider the following tips:

1. All the parents should come to a common understanding to promote healthy development of the children.

This meeting of the minds is best served prior to marriage. Choose a neutral setting to collectively establish

expectations about visitation, discipline, house rules, family gatherings, etc. Put the expectations in writing and have each parent sign them. This document, the parental agreement, will help to minimize opportunities to disrupt your family. Once the agreement is established, hold a gathering with the parents and children. Explain the expectations, the rewards for adherence and the penalties for noncompliance. If the parents use this forum to affirm each other, the children will see the parents as a united front and not pawns to be manipulated. For reinforcement, post the expectations on the refrigerator and refer to them often. Leave nothing to chance. The parents should plan to reconvene at least annually to assess the effectiveness of the plan and make adjustments when necessary. If your situation is not conducive to a meeting of all the parents, make sure that you and your mate create an agreement. Otherwise, outsiders may attempt to dictate the way you manage your home and if you give them power, you relinquish your own. How can two walk together except they agree? Amos 3:3

2. Since all is fair in love and war - and if you don’t plan ahead, you’ll have more war than love - treat each child the same, whether biological or step.

Showing favoritism or “bending the rules” for one child or sibling group can create an abyss of jealousy and struggle. Preferential treatment causes an imbalance that leads to frustration and insecurity for both the slighted children and parents. God has no respect of person and neither should we.

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COVER STORY


3. Hold regular family meetings to provide each member an opportunity to openly share concerns without fear of rejection or retaliation.

Establish meeting norms like round-table discussions, note taking and one person speaks at a time to ensure effective communication. To minimize interruptions, use a stuffed animal as the cue to speak. The person who has possession of the toy has the floor.

4. Schedule non-competitive activities.

As the family attempts to bond into a cohesive unit, each member tries to establish his or her position. This jockeying can create competitive tension that hinders growth. Plan family outings - a walk in the park, a trip to the zoo or movie night at home - that neutralize the tension. Allow each child to choose from a couple of options and require everyone to participate. These activities will create family traditions that will be honored for years. In addition to group activities, spend quality time with each child on an individual basis. For example, commit Saturday mornings to one-on-one breakfast dates where the child selects the restaurant. The interaction can help foster communication and break down the barriers that may stifle the relationship.

5. Whether chaos is prevalent or peace has settled on your family, solicit the services of a professional counselor.

This process allows each member to express his or her feelings to an unbiased person. Some children harbor resentment toward the new parent or blame themselves for the separation of their biological parents. Understanding their motives will help you see the family dynamic from another perspective and the illumination can cultivate cooperation.

6. Spend quality time with each child on an individual basis.

For example, commit Saturday mornings to one-on-one breakfast dates where the child selects the restaurant. The interaction can help foster communication and break down the barriers that may stifle the relationship.

7. Plan couple time away from the children.

Nurturing the relationship that created the blended dynamic is essential. Schedule visitations so that all of the children are gone at the same time. Using this quiet time to refresh the marriage helps to ensure a peaceful, loving atmosphere for the family. A threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

8. Pray. Pray for all of the children.

Pray for the extended family. Pray for the other parents. Pray for your mate. Pray for yourself. This experience is

COVER STORY


a proving of your faith in God. If you truly love the Lord with all of your heart, mind, body and soul, then you’ll be able to look past your own hurt and see that others are hurting too. Your example can mean the difference in winning a soul to the Lord.

The blending process may not be easy, but if you plan ahead, communicate daily with your mate and develop a consistent prayer life, your family will not just survive, but thrive. There’s a blessing in the blending!

The bestselling author of Blended Families An Anthology (ISBN-13: 978-0-9786066-0-2), Valerie J. Lewis Coleman has helped thousands of families navigate the challenges of child support, visitation, discipline and more. With over twenty years of experience in family and relationships, this expert has given advice on varying issues including baby-momma drama, defiant children and disapproving in-laws. On her journey to assist others with building strong families,

she shares her personal testimony and practical tools to help you stop the stepfamily madness in your home!

To learn more about Valerie, her books and overcoming relational matters, visit ValerieJLColeman.com.

Copyright © 2007 by Valerie J. Lewis ColemanAll rights reservedPen of the Writer, LLC893 South Main Street -PMB 175 Englewood, Ohio 45322ValerieJLColeman.com | PenOfTheWriter.com

COVER STORY


Making Fitness a HabitBy Charlie Sarti Certifi ed Personal Trainer

As a Certifi ed Personal Trainer, fi tness has been a part of my Life as far back as I can remember. I am the owner of Charlie Sarti’s 3rd Element and son of Charlie Sarti, founder of Sarti’s Stay Slim System. In this issue of Above Rubies magazine, I wanted to talk to you about making Fitness a Habit! There are so many workouts and diets that set you up only to fail…the Yo Yo Eff ect. If you are one of the small percentile that has discipline to eat clean and do vigorous at home or gym workouts, good! Unfortunately, the majority of the population is the complete opposite. So Listen Up! First off , your diet is 80% of how you look.

If your goal is to lose weight then you simply fi nd out how many Calories you need to take in daily to weigh your desired weight. Same goes if you’re trying to gain weight. In the next article, I will break down this simple formula and get further in detail about Caloric Intake.

Although it is simple, you will need guidance to help condition and train your mind in order to make it a Habit. In relation to exercise, I’m often asked, “Do weight lose programs really work?”

My answer to that is yes! Everything works if you do it! Remember, that’s the key, if you do it. In order to exercise you need discipline and Self Motivation. In most cases, both can defi nitely be achieved but for the majority of people, it’s an all or nothing mentality. With that type of mindset, you cannot expect results. A trainer’s real job isn’t to teach you only how to lift the weight and what to put in your stomach, but a trainer’s true job is to teach you how to change your thoughts and how to make this journey a habit just like Brushing your Teeth! If you approach exercise and eating as making it a Habit just as brushing your teeth, then you be successful in your Journey to a New Healthy Life!

INSPIRATIONAL


By Denise Ford

My sista every time you cry, or ponder about a situation that didn’t go in your favor, let me whisper softly into your ear kick off rejection. There is something special and unique about you. As you wonder to yourself what could it possibly be, start by envisioning a positive perspective of who you are meant to be. When you see yourself in the mirror take a second look at how beautiful God made you.

When you feel alone, and sad because you didn’t get the job, Mr. Right now, or accepted into the school of your choice, etc., you are not the problem, get back up and try again. Someone admires your style, swag, inner beauty; it’s all in what you choose to believe. It’s only a test; believe that there is another opportunity waiting. If we didn’t encounter these situations, we would not know that there was something better.

I understand you’ve been there more times than you care to admit, but let’s face it rejection hurts. If you need to cry, go right ahead and release it, during times like these reach out to someone that cares and supports you. Kick off rejection, because it’s nobody’s friend. Baby girls, sista’s, ladies, you are not alone! Don’t hold onto anyone that does not accept nor celebrate you.

In retrospect, some of my rejections have turned into blessings. When I was on a quest to publish my fi rst book, I submitted a query letter and was turned down by eight publishers, I felt discouraged, but through prayer, faith, and determination, I was able to self-publish. It was a long daunting process. The experience taught me a wealth of knowledge about the publishing industry where I can share my experiences with others. Several years in my life I went through being denied employment at a myriad of fortune 500 companies, but after reading each denial letter, I felt worse and sad, but not defeated. The process propelled me to seek ways to invest in myself through up grading my job skills, so that I could become marketable. The journey shaped my entrepreneurial skills to step out on faith to start a non-profi t.

BUSINESS


partner to share the expenses, work load, clients, office, etc. is becoming more and more popular. Reach out to your community of colleagues and figure out ways you can work together. You’ll be surprised at how many organizations are open to the idea of collaborating. Find funding opportunities that allow you to benefit financially, emotionally and physically. When organizations work together, it benefits both the organization and the people they serve.

Working in the nonprofit sector is rewarding and exhausting at the same time. When you give of yourself to help others, it will always be tough. Remember many people take this daily walk to try and make the world a better place. You are not the only person who believes all people deserve a fair chance and a respectable quality of life. There are many people just like yourself doing exactly what you do everyday. When your work gets overwhelming, remember that you are not alone on this journey - find peace, stay positive, keep the faith and all will work out just as it should. Know that you are fulfilling your purpose and trust that all your needs will be provided.

Above Rubies Magazine would like to thank all Advertisers and Contributing writers

for their support!

Above Rubies StaffCarenda Deonne- Founder/President

Melody Dennis Spencer-Booking & CommunicationsMichael Glimp- Project Manager

Manatha Young- Business Development ManagerPatrice Johnson-Graphic Designer

Adrienne Walker-Pittman -Copy EditorJerod Smith-Summer Intern

Errence Croslin-Sales ManagerMichael McCray-Sales Manager

AdvertisersVirtual Illustrations

The Lakewood Church Shweiki Media Printing Company

Thank you to our partners:Rainbow of Women Christian Fellowship

Contributing WritersSandy Warren-Coach’s Corner

Herb and Priscilla Wallace-Your Marriage Can Succeed

Charles Sarti-Health and FitnessAudra Atkinson-Inspirational

Charrissa Powell- Finance and WealthHope Martin-Skincare

Dr. Dee Dee-Seeds of WisdomPastor Keon Gerow-Man’s Point of View

Elder Joylette McCray-Let the Truth be ToldMarquia Kinard-Makeup Artist

Candice Owens-Wedding and Event ExpertDenise Walker-Inspirational

Brandy Cochrane-Growing Your Non-Profi tJunique Burrell-Image Consultant/Fashion

Shan P. Williams-Mommy DearestDanielle Whidby-Poetry Corner

Valerie Coleman-Lifestyle, Relationships and FamilyMike Glimp-Healthy CookingAmaris Ross-Hillard-Singles

Clothes/AttireMattie Mae’s Boutique & Salon Gastonia, NC

PhotographerHoward Miller

MakeupMarquia Kinard

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INSPIRATIONAL


By Lady Audra Atkinson

Picture this with me….in all of your dreams and imagination, begin to think about the art of conception. The defi nition of conception is the originating of something in the mind. When we think about conception in the sense pregnancy, conception is the process of becoming pregnant involving fertilization or implantation or both. If I were to put the two together in the journey of the nine months of pregnancy, I would say that I am pregnant with a purpose. I am waiting for something to happen; therefore, I am conceiving that it will be. I believe that something is being implanted or birthed within me. If I am pregnant with a purpose, my thoughts and ideas about this life are living within me. What I need to do is make sure my baby is fed properly with good nourishment. I can no longer eat or drink the things that I used to. There begins a feeling of protection, and or instinct that a woman begins to have when she is pregnant. There are some things that I must be careful and mindful of during my pregnancy.

If I am pregnant with a purpose, I must make sure that everything I do from this day forward is about the life that is living inside of me. During conception, things are thought of in our minds so we conceive that this baby I am carrying will be born healthy in nine months.

Now, if we switch our thoughts and focus on Purpose, I believe I am pregnant with a purpose that God has given to me, and in the allotted time frame, He will birth it into existence. If that purpose is in ministry, in the allotted time, God is going to birth that ministry into existence. If that purpose is regarding my marriage or my family, in the allotted time, God is going to birth that situation into existence. If that purpose is regarding my career, in the allotted time, God is going to birth that new career into existence.

IN THE SPOTLIGHT


my family is a sanctuary that I can run to when the world is out of order and my day has been absolutely crazy. When I come home to family and I know that I have trust, love, and fellowship, despite my situation because my family helps to make me whole.

Above Rubies: What role does prayer play in your current family as opposed to your growing up?

Bishop Dunn: I do remember growing up when there were times that my mom and dad would have us gather in the living room, all five of us, and get us down on our knees to pray. I distinctly remember it being very powerful, solemn, and fulfilling. Prayer helped bring security in a sense of knowing that my family loves me enough that they were talking to God about what we were facing, or what we were going through. Certainly growing up I would hear my mother pray a lot. I must say that many of those prayers were prayers that were calling for God’s help because of the hard times that we were experiencing. They were also prayers to keep the family together, to keep food on the table, and to keep clothes on our back. I just remember my mother praying for miracles and seeing miracles where she would pray for food and two or three hours later someone would knock on the door and bring a bag or two of groceries. All of us would just be in awe of God’s moving. We would certainly pray when we had family dinner, before we would eat my father would lift up a prayer and we would almost have

church right at the table. Nowadays, I will say it is often times a challenge to have the family pray together. I am an honest person and I’m not going to sugar coat things because this is an interview. Trying to make my family sound like we are a ‘perfect’ Christian family does not help people to see exactly the way all good Christians should be. That truth of the matter is that even though we are ministers of the gospel we are running two and three different directions. Therefore, our ability to pray together often times really is only at church. When we are home at the same time and my husband and I are ready to go to bed, we will have an opportunity to prayer together. I do pray with my 15 year old daughter at times when it comes to her schoolwork or her own personal challenges that she may be facing. In

regards to my own personal prayer

life, I do have a prayer closet. I mean a literal, physical prayer closet that I go into. I pray in my prayer closet at a set time three days a week. This is my personal communion time with the Lord. It is vital to me to have that time with God because in this fast paced moving world when everything is so hustle and bustle, it can be so easy to get caught up and talk to God “on the run” so to speak. I noticed for my own life several months ago that there was a void and I recognized that void was a lack of consistent prayer with the Lord. Not the prayer where you’re in church with everybody, but your own private consistent prayer time. As a result of that, my intimacy with God is greater now. The challenge becomes to seek to

IN THE SPOTLIGHT


phone calls and our ministry studies. We will justify the importance of doings those things and think that our family is alright especially when we are in the house. Sometimes we think that being in the house is the equivalent to spending time with them when it’s actually not. Just because we live in these big houses and everybody has televisions, Iphones and computers in their rooms, doesn’t justify that we are spending time together. There has to be an emphasis on the value of spending family time together on a consistent basis, even if it’s once or twice a week.

Above Rubies: What do you think are some major crisis that faces families today?

Bishop Dunn: There are so many crisis that are affecting families whether they are Christians or not. We are all being hit by certain stresses and certain struggles and certain issues that are impacting us. We really have to fight hard to remember that in the midst of it all, God is still on our side. For example, one of the stresses that could face families is sickness. When family members become sick and you may have to deal with a loved one that may have a long term illness, which means that stress caused by the illness can weigh on a family. They may not have the companionship of their mate the way they used to. They may lose their income because of the situation. So now that person feels isolated and alone because of losing a job. The financial loss weighs on the dynamics of a family and it can begin to cause a family to

incorporate the family more, due to schedules and time conflicts.

Above Rubies: Besides prayer, what other activities do you look for once your schedules have you all together for a period of time.

Bishop Dunn: Well let me say again, being an honest person and not sugar coating the conversation, because I feel this is set up by God, I do believe that what I have experienced is typical of what many Christians are experiencing. I don’t think that I am an admiration; I believe that I am much like seven or eight out of 10 families in Christendom. We are challenged with quality time with family but when we do get to spend quality time together, we enjoy things like playing the Wii. We do have a ritual; we enjoy watching American Idol together. My 15 year old and I do like to watch the cake baking shows. I have tried to find something she really likes. I don’t like the vampire show, I don’t like it. I’ve said it and I’ve voiced it, so I don’t watch that one. But I will purpose to watch something with her even if I don’t understand it, or don’t like just so I can show her that I just want to spend time with her. We also enjoy shopping together whether it’s grocery shopping or browsing in Target or Walmart. Sometimes it’s going to get our nails done together and things like that. We do seek to do some activities together. But I will admit the real challenge for me is, and I imagine that it may be for others, is the sense of busyness. Busyness is being so busy that we sometimes take for granted the need to spend that quality time with our families because we need to justify that we are preachers. We will justify our ministry work and our ministry

IN THE SPOTLIGHT


feel less secure, feel less like their future is bright, and can cause them to feel like they have less to talk about. As a result, people begin to isolate themselves and other issues can manifest which could lead to alcoholism, drug addiction, or God forbid extra marital affairs. Christians are not exempt from all of the same problems, all of the same dynamics that everybody else faces in life. We face them as well. Having our faith helps us tremendously, but it doesn’t exempt us. Unfortunately as much as we don’t like to admit it, sometimes when we are challenged with these same things we end up with the same result as people in the world. For example, when families are disintegrating and are no longer holding fast to their vows or their dreams it is a problem for everyone. When families feel as if their dreams are shattered because their house is foreclosed and their bank accounts are garnished, these are some of the things I see all families facing.

Above Rubies: What would you like to see more of in your local churches, communities, or body of Christ as a whole?

Bishop Dunn: I would certainly like to see more quality time incorporated in peoples lives. I would like to see families function in the roles in which God ordained which means having more time to enjoy the blessings that God has intended for families to have. What I mean by that is, men really being men and women really being

women. Families are then healthier because of it. Where a husband can look for his wife to cook a good, hot meal because he has been out working hard all day and even thought she may have been working too, she happily looks forward to cooking a good, hot meal and the kids coming in and they all sit and laugh and enjoy themselves. Then the wife is looking forward to her husband washing her car on Saturday and doing little nice things for her that makes her feel good. These are things that validate one another. I believe that genuine love isn’t being displayed anymore. It’s an unfortunate thing that happens when people end up being like ships passing through the night because of all the stresses of a hustle and bustle life style like working one and two jobs, kids going to practice here and there, everybody just going. It’s almost a thing of the past unless you look at some older couples that have been together fifteen, twenty and thirty years. Some kids rarely see mommy and daddy holding hands, kissing one another, or being able to sit around the table and talk about how each other’s day went. I believe that because of the society that we live in today, we are challenged to fight for our families. If we don’t fight for the family, we will surely lose the family concept. I believe in many instances that we have already lost the family concept, so we have to have the desire to rekindle the relationship and get it back so that we will be healthier people as families become healthy.

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above rubies magazine • fall 2011

Documents

family crises

family life

family gatherings

nonbiological children

dont plan

divorce rate

christian familyprice

parental agreement