ASSERTIVENESS

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT’S IN HIM UNTIL HE TRIES TO PULL IT OUT – ERNEST HEMINGWAY

TONY MACIEL, PhD

THREE INTERPERSONAL STYLES: PASSIVE, AGGRESSIVE, AND ASSERTIVE

Passive:Value myself less than othersMy opinions, rights, and needs are not

importantDeveloped negative thought patterns: “No

one ever really listens to me”, “I never get what I want or need”, “I’m such a push-over”

Needs are usually not ever met; consequently making you feel guilty and powerless.

Eventually might become aggressive = blow up

Does this style work as a mentor? Consequences? Role-play!

ROLE PLAY SCENARIO - PASSIVE

1) Student is requesting you add 12 more Cu’s to his term after he finished the initial 12. He’s confident in that he can finish them and tells you he really hopes you can do this for him.

Aggressive: Power is central tool to obtain resultsOthers are less thanI am greater/better than youArgumentative and explosive; “you”

statementsAlienate othersTakes a lot of energy and increases stressGeneral lack of communicationResults “Now”Bully – low self-esteem, use power to

obtain short bursts of success Does this style work as a mentor?

Consequences? Role-play!

ROLE PLAY SCENARIO - AGRESSIVE

1) Student is requesting you add 12 more Cu’s to his term after he finished the initial 12. He’s confident in that he can finish them and tells you he really hopes you can do this for him.

Assertive:Both an attitude and use of specific

acquired skills“I” messages; ownership of your

thoughts/feelings – Describe the behavior, with facts, and state what you would prefer. State + or – consequences.

Issue-focused; matter-of-fact messages“I am important and so are you”

mentalityCollaboration-driven: goal is to create

win-win solutions low courage + low consideration = lose/losehigh courage + low consideration = win/lose low courage + high consideration = lose/winhigh courage + high consideration = win/win

ASSERTIVE CONTINUED…

Ability to express opinions, needs and feelings

Self-confidence is key; relaxed tone of voice.Recognize you are not responsible for

reactions of OTHERS, only your own. You are not trying to convince anyone, only

expressing yourself! Active listening: reflect back what the other

person is saying, affirm their thoughts/feelings.

Saying “No” without saying “No”; stay positive!

WAYS TO SAY “NO” WITHOUT SAYING “NO”

Affirming statement: “that’s a great idea…I like your passion…,

but before that, let’s do A, B and C.

Say “Yes” first statement: “Yes we can! Let’s do A, B and C first then we can go from there!”

“Pre-emptive” statement: “Before we talk about that, there are some guidelines that must be followed. You must do X, Y and Z.”

“You choose” statement: “You can choose either A, B, C or D, but not all.”

Does this style work as a mentor? Benefits? Consequences? Role-play!

ROLE PLAY SCENARIO - ASSERTIVENESS

1) You have a student that is requesting ABV1 (Operating Systems) and BRV1 (Fund. of Interconnecting) in the same term. She insists that her extensive experience in IT will get her through the courses. She tells you that she has even taught those classes at a local community college and insists you add them to her AAV.

WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS IS ‘NOT’

Blaming/Accusing Talking louder than the other person Arguing/proving your point Lecturing “Agreeing to disagree” Talking, talking, talking and talking some

more Jumping to conclusions/making assumptions Interrupting Using “you” statements.

Passive Assertive Aggressive

FIND YOUR BALANCE!

THE END

THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED

Use “I” messages: I feel concerned about your exam attempt. I

would prefer for you to get some feedback from the course mentor before I approve your exam.

I feel confused by your test scores and by what you told me about your studying. Please explain the discrepancy I’m noticing.

I need you to schedule your exam right away, preferably within the next day or two. (make a polite request).

The last few times I have tried calling you, you haven’t answered. I feel frustrated. I would prefer to be notified if you’re not going to be available, or send me an email.

MORE TECHNIQUES…

Broken Record: Sorry but I cannot do that. I wish I could do that, but I cannot. I understand it would make you feel better, but

unfortunately that is something I’m unable to do at this time.

De-escalating: I can see you’re getting upset and I’m getting

uncomfortable, can we start over, or maybe talk at another time?

I don’t think it’s a good idea for either of us to raise our voices, let’s try another approach and maintain our composure.

Assertive Agreement: I know I made a mistake. I do apologize. I agree that next time I should listen more to your

needs as a student, I’ll do better next time. Clouding: Agree in principle, in part or in

probability. I can see why you would be angry, if I had forgotten

to remind you about requesting your exam by the 15th.

Yes, I have been pushing you in the past to manage your time better. It must be stressful.

You’re right if I don’t approve your exam attempt, you may miss the deadline, or delay your graduation, which may cause you to leave WGU.

Assertive Inquiry: I can sense that your bothered by something.

What about our interaction made you uncomfortable?

Assertive Empathy: I know you must be feeling anxious right now

about your upcoming tasks. I know it would be important for your to have our

appointment on Monday nights, but I do not have any openings. I do apologize for the frustration.

Use positive and negative consequences: If you wait a month after the term to start on

your course, you may get a not passed on your transcript.

I have noticed that when students get feedback from course mentors before an exam, they usually pass the test. It’s your choice.

COLLABORATION VS. COMPROMISING

Situational Example: There are two sisters. One is wanting to make an orange cake. The other sister is wanting to make orange juice. The sisters run into a problem when they realize there is only 1 orange. They aren’t able to get a hold of more oranges. An argument ensues.

What is the “collaborative” solution??