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BHA Funeral Officiants’ Training Manual(1)

BRITISH HUMANIST ASSOCIATION

FUNERAL OFFICIANTS’ TRAINING COURSE MANUAL

1 Gower Street, London WC1E 6HDTel: 020 7079 3582

[email protected]

© British Humanist Association March 2007

mailto:[email protected]


www.humanism.org.uk

INDEX

Page 3 Technical course overview

4 Trainers and trainees

5 Bereavement

7 Structure of a Funeral Ceremony

10 From first contact to funeral: the phone call

11 From first contact to funeral: meeting the family

13 From first contact to funeral: the crematorium

15 From first contact to funeral: on the day

17 From first contact to funeral: other ceremonies

19 A Quick Check List

20 Attending a Family Meeting

24 Music for Funerals

29 Committal procedure

31 Interment/burial

35 After the ceremony

37 Sample record sheet

38 Homework assignment


http://www.humanism.org.uk/


Part 3 – Technical Training: Funerals

Purpose of the day: to enable prospective funeral officiants to be able to create and deliver funerals to an agreed set of competencies

To enable trainers to decide who qualifies to be accepted as a probationary officiant

Objectives: By the end of part three of the training delegates will have the skills and knowledge to be able to

o Write a humanist funeral o Conduct a humanist funeralo Manage themselves professionally as

humanist funeral officiants Participated in activities that strengthen

their knowledge and confidence

Had the opportunity for 1-1 feedback with a trainer

Received a brief for ongoing work to be completed before accreditation

Programme Reviewing progress to date The competencies framework Teamworking on a funeral ceremony From first contact to flower terrace The importance of music in humanist

funeral ceremonies Tour of a working crematorium Handling the committal Burials Records, book keeping and tax issues Working with funeral directors After the ceremony – terrace etiquette Steps to accreditation

Personal Study after the Technical

Delegates are asked to o Write a ceremony script for formal assessment and marking o Begin to take funerals, passed to them by their regional or

area coordinator and/or mentor, or through their own activity, only after final script has been passed.



o Work towards accreditation, ideally on the third or fourth ceremony

TRAINERS

Trainers/Facilitators

TRAINEES



BEREAVEMENT

What it means and how different experiences can be

Nowadays, death is something we are unfamiliar with. Most children grow up with no experience of death and bereavement. It is not that we consider ourselves to be immortal; it is just that death is almost a taboo subject, which we do not talk about at all. In the main, in western cultures, death is hidden. And so, when someone dies, it generally comes as a great shock - the first few days following a death are both busy and confusing for the family and friends alike. In spite of conversations with the Funeral Director and then the family by telephone, when we ring the doorbell of the family home we have no idea what emotions we are going to be faced with.

For the grief-stricken, time has seized up. The past, when everything was all right, is too painful to contemplate. The future, now a jumble of shattered dreams, is utterly destroyed and disorganised. But for the bereaved, they are locked in the pain of the present. Time is standing still and they may even have ceased to function.

The deceased, who was previously a part of time that is past, present and future, is now relegated to the past. They have been locked into the past while the bereaved find themselves locked into the present. The future, whatever it previously seemed to hold, has been totally annihilated. For the bereaved, their grief is an emotional response to the disruption of time and the grief may be expressed in a variety of feelings. Their emotions may well change, even from hour to hour, as they adjust to a new concept of their lives.

There are certain stages through which people’s emotions may progress: anger, disbelief, submission and finally, acceptance. A person may experience all or just one of these emotions; there is no way of knowing how long each stage may last or even if they will ever progress to acceptance – some never do.

Some will be comforted by the death and describe it as a merciful release. Some may show great anger. I remember one young widow who said, very forcefully, “How could he have done this to me?” as she saw life for her and her young children shattered and the future abysmal and non-existent. Some will be silent and stoical in their perceived ability to cope with everything. Others will let everything pour out as if that will cleanse them of all their grief and all the “If only’s”. Some will feel relief or even guilt, for a variety of reasons.



When people are bereaved they should be given those things which help them at the time, whether they comply with our ideas or not. We are not bereavement counsellors , but the family visits and the funeral ceremony should provide an opportunity to help in the natural process of grieving.

A humanist funeral ceremony should not be just a non-religious rite of passage but a ceremony which has its own deeper personal meaning for the families and friends who are saying goodbye to someone who will live on in their memories. This will be achieved by:

Talking about the past, ensuring that the bereaved feel good about the deceased’s person’s life, thus establishing a link with that life.

Acknowledging the present and the grief that family and friends are feeling.

Looking to the future, where we should aim to give a feeling of optimism in looking ahead.

The funeral can and should be a powerful tool in the healing process.



STRUCTURE OF A FUNERAL CEREMONY

Basic structure of a typical funeral ceremony in a crematorium:

Entry musicOpening wordsPersonal tributeShort period of reflectionCommittalClosing wordsExit music

There are three types of funerals, which we may be asked to conduct at a crematorium:

1. Where we write and deliver the whole of the ceremony with information given to us by the family.

2. Where we write and deliver the main structural parts, i.e. opening words, period of silence, committal, and closing words - act as stage manager and provide link sentences only, for members of the family and friends who deliver the personal tribute, the playing or singing of musical contributions or readings.

3. Where we provide half and half. In other words although we write the greater part of the ceremony, including the personal tribute, friends and family may contribute to a greater or lesser extent.

TIMING: A CRUCIAL ELEMENT

Most crematoria allow only 20 minutes for each funeral (some up to 30 minutes); this time is the TOTAL time available for the whole ceremony. This time slot includes everything to do with one funeral, including:

getting all the mourners into and out of the chapel. With a hundred people, this will take approximately 10 minutes. (A generalisation is that the younger the deceased, the more mourners there will be.)

the whole ceremony, including music. clearing the chapel and getting it back to its normal ‘start’

position - the mourners out, the coffin taken away, replacing the cross if it has been removed, repositioning and/or re-lighting candles, etc.



IT IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE FOR A CEREMONY TO OVER-RUN.

Be very careful about timing when there are other contributors.

ENTRY MUSIC

The choice will usually be made by the next of kin although they may seek guidance from the officiant. Their choice may not be something you would choose, indeed you may never have heard of the piece and even dislike it completely; remember it is important to them and whilst you may offer advice, you should not seek to dissuade because of a personal preference. The clients should be told that the entry music will generally be faded out when all, including the coffin, have entered the chapel and everyone is settled. It is unusual to have a complete piece of music.

OPENING WORDS

An introduction which reflects the purpose of the ceremony and, if appropriate, acknowledges the feelings of the mourners. It is usually helpful to give a brief introduction to the humanist nature of the ceremony and consider some thoughts on life and death.

PERSONAL TRIBUTE

It is usual to cover a person’s life, including mention of their family, career, interests, even foibles. It is often appropriate to include some gentle humour. The tribute should try to paint a picture of the deceased person in words. It may contain details of things like previous marriages, indeed previous spouses are often also present, but should not include family skeletons, although we are often told about them. Every mourner’s feelings must be considered. Other contributors should be encouraged to write down their script, which should last for only about two minutes at the most. The reasons for them writing it down are that: it allows you to judge the timing of the whole ceremony, cutting your part if necessary; their contribution can be included in the final script which must be offered to the family after the ceremony; if the deliverer breaks down, then you can ‘pick’ the script up giving unbroken continuity of delivery; it helps contributors to focus their minds on their ability to deliver their tribute; and it allows you to check the script for content - ‘bad’ language or holy references. Your whole script will only be as good as your questions at the family visit.



PERIOD OF REFLECTION

A short period, no more than two minutes, for individual personal reflection. It allows all the mourners to say their own goodbye in their own way, including those with a religious belief who are able to say a silent prayer. It is quite usual to play some reflective music at this time.

COMMITTAL

The most serious part of the ceremony is when mourners will be saying their final good-byes. It is usual to ask the mourners to stand for the committal. In some crematoria, the coffin disappears from view at this time, but some families may ask for the coffin to remain in view until after they have departed.CLOSING WORDS

This can include notices, i.e. donations to..., everyone welcome back to ...., thanks to ..., etc. It should contain some words to cheer people as they start a new chapter in their lives without the deceased. It should make mourners leave the chapel with a bit of a lift, smiling through the tears. Remember, the purpose of our ceremonies is to ‘Celebrate Life’ not to ‘mourn’ it. This section often closes the ceremony with a poem appropriate to the deceased.

EXIT MUSIC

After it has played for about a minute, the family should be approached and encouraged to lead the mourners out of the chapel. The choice of music should be appropriate for the deceased but hopefully will be a bit cheerful so that it assists with the ‘lift’ in spirits as they leave.

AFTER THE MOURNERS HAVE LEFT THE CHAPEL

Clear all your papers away, collect any tapes or CDs used, thank the chapel staff and leave quickly to join the Funeral Director with the family and mourners.



FROM FIRST CONTACT TO FUNERAL

1. THE PHONE CALL

You will be contacted by one of the following: Your Regional Coordinator or Area Contact The Funeral Director A member of the deceased’s family, a close friend, an

executor or solicitor Social Services - usually through a hospital/hospice based

social worker

If accepting the commission, you need to obtain the following information:

Full name of the deceased - and name known by Age Date of death, cause, and circumstances. Note: it may not

be advisable to discuss, over the telephone, cause and circumstances with close family at this stage.

Date, time and place of the funeral. Note: At this early stage the length of the ceremony can be considered but if circumstances suggest that a double time slot is required then you will need to confirm availability and booking with the Funeral Director as quickly as possible.

Telephone number and address of the person arranging funeral, ascertaining his/her exact relationship to the deceased, together with those of any other relatives or friends who may be important.

Confirmation of your role, and, if possible, background to the request for a humanist or non-religious funeral.

Note: when you begin, it is advisable to use a checklist – see page 15

The first phone call to the family may feel like a difficult call to make – especially the first words you say to them. Introduce yourself, adopt a warm and sympathetic tone but, rather then spending too much time expressing sympathy and condolences (which can make the call feel clumsy and difficult) state the need to meet with the family to discuss the funeral.

If you were not contacted directly by the Funeral Director, you should as soon as possible telephone him/her to confirm:

That you have had an initial discussion with family/friends and will be conducting the ceremony.

The date, time and place of the funeral (you can, if you wish, request a written confirmation - this can avoid any misunderstanding regarding the arrangements. It is also something to present in an emergency).



Your fee and any additional travelling expenses.



2. MEETING THE FAMILY

As soon as you have accepted a funeral from the Funeral Director, you will need to contact the person arranging the funeral by telephone to arrange a meeting. (Be prepared for unusual responses. Bereaved people may be angry, bewildered, blaming themselves, overwhelmed by all the things they have to do at this time.)

It is a good idea to check at this stage that the family really do want a non-religious funeral; if you arrange a visit at some distance, and find when you get there that they want some sort of religious content to the funeral, you have wasted your own time as well as theirs.

Give the family your telephone number, in case they want to speak to you again before the meeting. You might ask them to make some notes and ask other members of the family to be present and to consider beforehand what contributions (if any) others may want to make to the ceremony.

In some circumstances, i.e. visiting a lone family member or friend, you may think it desirable to show some form of identity on arrival. In line with our Code of Practice and for your own security, you should also have told some responsible person where you are going.

Arguably, the family meeting is as important as the ceremony itself. Certainly the rapport and understanding you develop with the family prior to the funeral will carry over to the ceremony - and hopefully contribute to its success. That is why this course focuses a great deal on the interpersonal skills required for a successful family meeting.

Of course, there may be situations where time, weather or geographical factors prevent such a meeting taking place. In such isolated cases, a telephone interview (and perhaps fax/e-mail) may have to suffice. Before telephoning, make certain you can give your undivided attention for as long as may be necessary.

Try to get some idea of the numbers who will be attending the funeral – if there are only a few people, your ceremony will be a lot shorter than if a lot of people are attending, or if there is more than one speaker. You will also find that the family often prefer a short ceremony when the numbers are going to be very low. On the other hand, if people have travelled from far and wide, it’s important that they don’t feel ‘’short-changed‘’. If the ceremony is going to be long, i.e. more than 20 minutes, then the family must be advised to book a double slot at the crematorium if the usual period allowed for each ceremony is 30 minutes total. They can do this through the



Funeral Director – but it has to be arranged as soon as possible because slots get booked very quickly at most crematoria and the adjacent slots may have already been booked. Some crematoria operate on Saturdays, which may be helpful to some families.

Some crematoria have more than one chapel – Golders Green, for example, has three – a very small one seating about 15, one which seats about 50 and the large one which can cater to more than 100 people. The Funeral Director will probably have asked about numbers for this reason.

Skills

Be sympathetic but professional in your approach. Listen in a careful and unhurried way (trying not to be agitated

by distractions and repetitions). Differentiate between what is useful and what isn’t.

Technique

You need to be prepared both emotionally and practically for the family meeting.

Despite the initial information you have received, you may not discover all of the circumstances surrounding the death until the meeting - and there may be tragic or disturbing aspects.

Practically, the order of the discussion may have to vary from your preferred sequence depending on how the conversation develops. For instance, while you will be anxious to begin to learn about the subject, the family might want to talk initially about the events leading up to the death, or discuss the ceremony generally and the proposed music and readings in particular.

Don’t rush to get information down on paper and be prepared to improvise in your approach.

At whatever point the subject is under discussion, you will need to emphasise the importance of getting a rounded picture in order to compile a meaningful tribute.

In assuring the family that everything said at the meeting will remain confidential, you can also indicate that while any background information is valuable, by no means will everything mentioned by them be used. This can be reassuring to the family, and they may be more frank and less inhibited about opening up to you.

If you feel that despite your best efforts you are only achieving a partial or one-dimensional view of the subject, you may need to explore the possibility of other sources for your research. These possibilities might include other family members not present or friends, neighbours and work-



colleagues, who could be contacted by telephone to provide (hopefully) different perspectives and personal anecdotes.

As well as gaining a mental picture, at some stage remember to ask if you may see a photograph or two.

It may have been decided that the tribute will include one or more personal contributions. As a rough guide, in a ceremony of 20 minutes duration overall, two contributions of two to three minutes can be accommodated - or three at most if the contributions are shorter.

In that case, you may only be called on at that stage for a brief overview of the life and to introduce the other speakers. You will have discussed with them beforehand when they will be called, where they will speak from, and for approximately how long.

Naturally, when written, the condensed story of many lives will proceed more or less chronologically and include the usual important and memorable dates and watersheds. However, some lives are too complex for this treatment. There may be aspects of or events in a life that for various reasons are best left unmentioned; or else the family may want to keep biography to the minimum, with the focus instead on capturing the essence of the subject’s personality. In either case, you will need to reflect their wishes in your writing and presentation.

Apart from the tribute, other specific aspects of the ceremony that need to be discussed at the meeting include the options available for starting the ceremony and conducting the committal.

Choices also have to be made about music and readings: where they will fit in the ceremony - and if anyone else will be reading them other than you.

Lastly, you will need to know from the family what announcements and thanks are required on their behalf in the ceremony’s closing sequence. If appropriate, these may include information about the post-funeral arrangements, and thanks for flowers - or donations in lieu of flowers - and to specific people and agencies.

Before leaving the meeting (which may have taken anything from one to 2½ hours, depending on the circumstances), make sure the family have your details.

Assure them you will be available to them - and will welcome further contact with them for whatever reason - in the remaining days leading up to the funeral.

3. THE CREMATORIUM



The majority of the 242 crematoria in Britain are still owned and managed by Local Authorities. A small but growing number are in the hands of private companies.

Although they all perform the same function, there are considerable variations in the range of facilities and working practice in crematoria, especially in relation to the use of staff. It is therefore advisable to visit all of the crematoria where you are likely to be conducting funerals. Check the outside layout for the location of the office and parking facilities - there should be a number of designated spaces for clergy/officiants - and the interior layout of the ceremonial room(s) (more likely to be called the chapel(s)). One of the rooms off or adjacent, usually designated the ‘vestry’, is for the use of clergy/officiants and should have separate cloakroom facilities. There will also be a waiting area and toilets for mourners.

You will want to familiarise yourself with the podium, rostrum or lectern, from where you will conduct the ceremony, and the various switches/buttons positioned there. One, usually marked committal, will operate the curtain, or the mechanism that causes the coffin to descend or depart from the catafalque (the raised plinth where the coffin is placed). Another, marked music may be available and is designed to send a signal to the operator of the tape/CD player at the appropriate time. Alternatively, or in concert, an organ is of course an available facility. Music is dealt with in more depth later.

There could also be a button you press to indicate end of ceremony. Other rostrum facilities may include a reading-light, a clock, and an audio-loop microphone to aid those with hearing impediments. For the purpose of very large funerals, there may also be the facility of a microphone wired to speakers in the lobby - or even outside.

You will also want to familiarise yourself with other aspects of the layout and operation of the ceremonial room(s)/chapel(s). Of interest will be:

seating capacity functions performed by crematorium staff location of separate exit (if provided), 2nd lectern (if provided),

clock, power-points the moveability - or otherwise - of an intrusive religious symbol

(normally a cross) the time the curtain takes to close and noise levels of any

operating machinery



Generally the staff at the crematoria are willing to give every assistance; it is certainly worth getting to know them.

PREPARATION

You need to give plenty of time to the preparation of the script - it’s not a job to be rushed whatever your style.

However, we can acknowledge some different approaches. Once furnished with sufficient material, some will be impatient to get started - by getting things down on paper - as soon as possible, while details of the meeting are still fresh in their mind. Others will want to mull over the material to hand, and perhaps perceiving a limited perspective seek further information from other and wider sources; or, facing circumstances not met before, seek advice from more experienced colleagues before putting pen to paper. Lastly, there will be those who, needing the pressure of a deadline, will probably only fully complete a script when in reasonable sight of the day of the ceremony.

If your researches have uncovered too much material for the tribute, you will have to distil the mass into an account which, in your judgement, emphasises the most important aspects of the life and personality. However, sometimes seemingly minor details included will be appreciated for making the subject recognisable. Conversely if the material you finally have to work with is sparse, it will be necessary to ‘fill out’ the account in some meaningful way. This is not the same as the more artificial device of ‘padding out’ solely for the sake of length. A meaningful way of filling out the tribute might include reflecting on the times and social changes the subject lived through, or concentrating on a central interest or passion; and additional poetry/prose can always be utilised to augment a script.

In difficult or circumstances not yet encountered, we can all draw something from the scripts of colleagues, who in providing you with them will be keen to share their knowledge and experience. These will always include some meaningful phrases, an appropriate reading, or just a train of thought that you will find of use.

When contemplating your finished efforts, try to imagine the script off the page. It must sound like you - and have the right tone for you. Equally, it must have the right balance of seriousness and lightness. It is a good exercise to read it out loud: not only can you time it, but it will also identify any clumsy prose, questionable punctuation, or particularly emotional passages that could trip you up on the day.



It may be necessary - but is anyway desirable - to telephone your main contact before the funeral, to speak again and check over a few details. This will maintain the contact forged at the meeting and hopefully impart further confidence in you.

4. ON THE DAY

Arrival

Aim to arrive at least 30 minutes before your ceremony; such leeway serves two purposes. Firstly, it allows for unforeseen delays on your journey and will give you the peace-of-mind while travelling - arriving to conduct a funeral in a state of agitation is neither advisable nor desirable. Secondly, it will allow you time to acclimatise to the surroundings, get tidy and comfortable, look over your script, and liaise with the staff (you may have instructions for the attendant DJ or organist).

Dress

You don’t have to wear black, but other than in exceptional circumstances you should be formally and reasonably soberly dressed. These days, mourners wear anything from formal black to very casual. While this is a personal matter for them, we are representing the British Humanist Association and do not wish to be open to criticism.

You may normally wear something bearing the humanist symbol, (such as a tie or badge/pin) but on some occasions it could be more appropriate to display the BHA symbol.

Preliminaries

Once the chief mourners have arrived, either with the cortege or independently, they will find it reassuring to know you are there and to meet you again. They may also want to introduce you to other family members or close friends. On the arrival of the cortege you will also exchange pleasantries with the Funeral Director - and this is the most likely point at which your fee will be very discreetly passed to you. If it isn’t, and you’re not sure when you’ll receive it, wait until AFTER the ceremony before raising the subject. Once known to Funeral Directors, you may find you receive confirmation and payment together.

The Funeral Director and crematorium attendant will supervise the entry procedure, which should have been discussed and agreed upon at an earlier stage with the family. Traditionally - and most formally - everyone will gather before the coffin is taken from the



hearse. It is then carried in by the bearers, led by the Funeral Director, followed by the close family - with the rest of the mourners bringing up the rear, or, the mourners, excluding the close family, may be directed to their seats before the ‘processing-in’, as described above, takes place. Professional bearers are assumed, but by prior arrangement family members, friends or colleagues may form part or all of the bearing party.

It is also perfectly acceptable - and much less formal - for the coffin to be in place before any mourners enter. The procedure of the officiant in any of these variations is a matter of personal choice. Some will feel it incumbent on them to lead in the coffin, perhaps staying by the catafalque until the preliminaries are concluded; others may feel more comfortable positioned at the door or already in their place at the rostrum.

The Ceremony

Once the funeral is under way, you assume sole charge of all matters relating to the process of the ceremony and its timing. An unhurried start is most desirable, giving the mourners time to acclimatise and collect their thoughts. As well, it avoids the extraneous noise of closing doors, departing cars, and the distraction of late arrivals impacting on your welcome and introduction.

Other minor distractions may well occur during the ceremony, and you may need to make judgements about how such distractions are affecting the dignity of the proceedings (a child crying or misbehaving, or someone taken ill, are obvious examples). Awkward situations may also develop through a mechanical failure of some kind or a speaker seriously over-running the pre-agreed time.

You will need to be assertive in all circumstances threatening either the decorum or the timing of the proceedings and you may from time to time find yourself in the unenviable position of having to choose quickly between the lesser of two evils.

Happily, most ceremonies will not suffer from such difficulties - but in the face of difficulties arising, officiants are more likely to retain the sympathies of all concerned by maintaining a calm and dignified air - whatever their inner feelings!

Conclusion

When the ceremony is concluded, only at your indication (a hurried end is equally as undesirable as a hurried start), the attendant will open the relevant doors for the mourners to leave. It will be usual for music to be still playing at this point. The Funeral Director will



then approach the family or chief mourners in the first row inviting them to leave. Here, as at the start of the ceremony, the officiant will adopt a procedure acceptable to him/her.

This may involve staying put until everyone has left the room, or, in clerical fashion, being positioned at the door in order to say good-bye to everyone individually. For lack of time, you may not feel comfortable trying to speak to people inside the chapel, and there is always an opportunity to speak to family and others outside before they leave - usually on the flower terrace.

Receiving the comments and thanks of mourners, and saying your good-byes to the close family - perhaps at this point handing them a folder containing the script of the ceremony, is the final but important element in the proceedings. Some officiants post the script a few days later, especially after ceremonies for people who have died in tragic circumstances.

5. OTHER CEREMONIES

These notes have assumed a funeral ceremony, followed by cremation, because they will form the majority of ceremonies you will be asked to officiate at; presently cremations account for over 70% of all disposals, although custom varies between areas. But you may also be asked to conduct burials - both in the traditional location of a cemetery or burial ground - or at one of a growing number of woodland burial sites.

Funeral ceremonies may be required for specific circumstances like foetal and neo-natal deaths - see Funerals Without God - Section 10 on page 78 and Carole Mountain’s Out of the Ordinary. Or you may be asked to conduct a short ceremony for the scattering of ashes. This is most likely to take place in crematorium grounds or some site of natural beauty. It could also take place at sea, where burials are also possible - though with limited availability and at some expense. Memorial ceremonies may be preceded or followed by either cremation - or more likely burial, but it is also common for them to take place at some distance in time from a committal, especially in the case of someone eminent and/or well-known. The disposal of the body having taken place at the funeral some weeks or months earlier, these ceremonies, typically conducted at schools or colleges, churches or village halls, and hotels or other hired venues, are less tense and more celebratory affairs. They often involve lots of contributors, who cover all aspects of the subject’s life and offer personal memories and perspectives. At such an occasion, your likely role will be that of co-ordinator rather than officiant - and your



preparation will be different and your presentation correspondingly less low-key.

These days, memorial ceremonies, even those conducted in churches or cathedrals, tend to be a mixture of the secular and religious - though not necessarily just the Christian religious tradition. While inclusiveness may generally be considered a virtue in the funeral or memorial situation, humanist officiants are unlikely to be comfortable with an overtly religious tone, and need to take this into account when deciding on accepting commissions - for either memorials or funerals.



A QUICK CHECK LIST

Initial Details

Full name of deceased (check spelling)Name known byDate of BirthDate of DeathTime, date, and place of ceremonyName, address, telephone of relative(s)/friend(s)Name, address, telephone of Funeral Director and particular person dealing with the ceremony.

Tribute

Place of birthChildhood/school/educationFamilyWorkActivitiesInterests/hobbiesFriendsAchievementsMusical and literary tastesFamily storiesCharacteristics – sense of humour, integrity, shyness, etc.Photograph

Form of ceremony

Do any other family members or friends wish to contribute?Entry music.Opening words.Thoughts on life and death.Tribute.Reflective period (silence or with music).Committal.Closing words, including notices. Exit Music.



ATTENDING A FAMILY MEETING AS AN OBSERVER

All experienced officiants adopt their own methods and style to secure the information and guidance they seek in helping them prepare a ceremony that will be accurate in detail and appropriate in tone. At the outset of the family meeting, which depending on circumstances could vary in length from one to 2 ½ hours, it is important to establish what degree of formality is called for and at what level emotion is running. (The officiant may already have received some hint of this during the initial telephone conversation to arrange the meeting.)

Whatever the situation and prevailing mood, it is imperative for the officiant to establish certain points about both the practicalities and content of the ceremony during the course of the interview.

PRACTICALITIES (cremation is assumed)

How will the ceremony begin?

Will the chief mourners follow the coffin into the ‘chapel’ (traditionally formal) or will they enter first (less formal)

Will the coffin be placed in position before any mourners have entered (informal)?

NB the FD may not have offered these options at this point and is likely to assume that the traditionally formal beginning is required unless otherwise instructed. In raising the question at this early stage the officiant is doing the family a service, enabling them to duly consider and choose their best option. The officiant’s advice may be sought.

Are there to be any actions, e.g. placing flowers or mementoes on the coffin prior to the start of the ceremony?

NB Families may at least be grateful to know of the possibilities

What music, (in what form), will be played during the ceremony

and when; who will provide it?

NB The officiant should be in a position to fully inform the family about the facilities available.

What are the specific requirements of the family about the committal procedure?



NB It is desirable (sensitively) to take the family through the committal procedure, in case they have rooted objections to the curtains closing or the coffin disappearing. If so, there can be a discussion.

Having had the usual closing sequence of the ceremony explained, do the family have any specific instructions concerning the closing and exit music?

NB should the family wish to listen to the chosen closing music (of reasonable length) in full, sufficient time will need to be allowed.

CONTENT OF THE CEREMONY

Are there likely to be contributions from family, friends or colleagues, and if so what form will they take, i.e. personal tributes, readings, or (occasionally) music?

If such contributions are to be included, how much time needs to be apportioned to them?

NB In the course of the interview, it is necessary for the officiant to give some indication of the structure and running order of the ceremony within the time-scale that applies. S/he will also require details of any contributing speakers, so that contact can be made to confirm for them the non-religious context of the ceremony, and to ascertain the nature of their contributions and (fairly) exact time-requirements.

Is particular sensitivity required in relation to certain areas - possibly ‘no go’ areas - of the subject’s life?

Origins/ family background Difficult early-life experience Sexual orientation Wartime experiences Marriage and family relationship problems Mental or physical health problems Self-abuse Criminal record Aspects of the final illness and cause of death

NB It is likely that any problematical aspect of the subject’s life will reveal itself in general conversation and questioning. It may be obvious from the outset exactly how the family want this treated in terms of the ceremony - or conversely the



officiant may have to draw them out. (In the case of suicide, it is essential to secure specific understanding as to whether this fact may be mentioned.)

What announcements, if any, will the officiant (on behalf of the family) be required to make at the end of the ceremony concerning:

Scattering of ashes Post-funeral rendezvous and refreshments Special thanks - to individual family members or friends,

employers, GPs and visiting nursing agencies, medical staff at hospitals/hospices

Thanks for flowers - or donations to charities in lieu of flowers

FURTHER POINTS

Smart casual dress is usually quite appropriate for a family visit; it is both more comfortable for you and less formal for your hosts. If they are visiting you, the same thing applies.

In some circumstances, i.e. visiting a lone family member or friend, you may think it desirable to show some form of identity at the front door.

NB In line with our Code of Practice and for your own security, you should tell some responsible person where you are going.

During the course of the meeting you may be offered tea/coffee. It may be useful to begin proceedings in this way in order to break down the formality of the occasion - or it might provide for a useful interlude/break roughly halfway through.

If the meeting takes place in the home of the subject, it is both useful and a matter of courtesy to take some interest in the surroundings. It may well provide some talking points, as well as an insight into the personality and (perhaps) the interests of the person under discussion.

If there are no family photographs immediately evident where the meeting is taking place, always remember to ask to see one or two of the subject’s photographs at some point; ideally, an



image from younger days and a fairly recent photograph will be helpful.

Assure the family before leaving that you will keep in touch with and be available to them in the remaining days leading up to the funeral.

Remember to always leave your written details. Also, (gently) advise them to try not to view the funeral as an “ordeal” - and to leave any worrying about the ceremony to you and the FD.

NB A follow-up telephone call to the family, to check the odd detail or two and re-establish contact just prior to the funeral, will indicate your attention to detail and concern for them and, hopefully, it will give them further and complete confidence in you.

Lastly, and most importantly, if you feel you are leaving with an inadequate picture of the subject, or you suspect that the perspectives given may be too narrow, ask, as firmly as possible, for other sources you may consult within the circle of family, friends and colleagues.



MUSIC FOR FUNERALSAPPROPRIATENESS IS ALL

1. Why music?

Reflection of the deceased Association with the family An alternative to hymns To distinguish the ceremony from a religious one Mood music – setting the tone – emotions reached that words

cannot To cover silence To add dignity (sometimes!)

2. Before the family visit

Know what facilities are available at the crematorium – each venue will be different, e.g. CD player, tape deck only, organist, Wesley system.

Increasing numbers of crematoria are using the Wesley system which is computer-based and involves downloading the music tracks from Wesley’s extensive library direct to the crematorium. Music not on the system can be uploaded into the library in advance. More information can be found on their website http://www.wesleymusic.co.uk/

Cemetery chapels (sometimes needed prior to burial) usually have a socket only, so who will take in a portable player and extension lead?

3. Find out how to operate the music

Who does what – you, the FD, crematorium staff?

4. Initial family phone call

Ask them to be thinking about music, usually two items: one to come in, another for the exit (more upbeat). Sometimes a third piece for reflection or at the committal is used.

5. Involvement - how involved are you prepared to be?

If you ‘hold’ the music, the funeral director must be informed of details, such as CD or tape, track number, title, order of playing, length of piece, and to cancel the resident organist.

If the funeral director is given the music then you must know all the above details.


http://www.wesleymusic.co.uk/


6. Each item to be clearly labelled:

In/ Entry, Central/Committal, Out/Exit7. Beware – CDs

If the family download items onto a blank CD, it can be helpful that all items are on one CD and that items are freely available that the family might not own BUT some CD players cannot register the end/start of differing tracks and you may hit copyright regulations at crematorium. Better by far to have commercial discs. Remove extra discs in multipacks retaining only the disc you need.

And beware downloads – sometime people save downloaded files as computer not audio files and these will not read on a conventional CD player…

8. Beware – tapes

Any item from a commercial tape must be put onto brand new clear tape. Each item to be on separate tape. You need to think about who will do it.

9. When is the music required by the crematorium, FD, Officiant?

CD, tape, sheet music. Who is to take it to the crematorium (usually it is required at

least 24hrs in advance).

10. Choice of music

Familiarity is comforting. They may know exactly what they want – do not be shocked;

anything goes! They may have ideas but need advice of order in ceremony /

where to obtain it. They may have no idea (remote aunt, etc.) - do you?

11. Availability and sources

Do the family have their chosen music (return it to them immediately after ceremony).

Do you have their chosen music? Libraries are a good source. It can also be purchased at music shops, supermarkets,

Woolworth’s, etc.



12. Live music

This is the family’s responsibility BUT you must liaise. Check they know where to stand – if there is more than 1 person, rehearsal time is needed. Beware live wind instruments if played by a family member (especially bagpipes!). It is safer if they pre-record the item – you can’t cry and play the flute!

13. Length of items

Know the timings exactly. In and out need plenty of time – to be faded. Central music needs to be about 2 minutes if instrumental or

usually 3 minutes for full vocal track.

14. Script for operator

Music script with comments e.g. fade when we are settled, all track needed, etc. need to be handed over to the music operator.

15. Emergencies

Have spare innocuous compilation CD/tape in car for emergencies – light classical is best.

ALWAYS CHECK CDS AND TAPES ARE IN THEIR CASES AND NOT LEFT IN THE PLAYER AT HOME.

A report in The Times (dated 05.08.02) stated that pop music was increasingly chosen according to two thirds of the 560 branches of the Co-operative Funeral Services.

“We are receiving more and more requests for popular music as people attempt to personalise funerals and choose songs that are relevant to them.”

The report continues: “Not all selections are sentimental or mawkish though…among the more unusual choices recently have been Another One Bites the Dust, by Queen and Wake me up before you go, by Wham.”

The current top ten, according to Co-operative Funeralcare are:

1. My Way Frank Sinatra2. Wind Beneath My Wings Bette Midler3. Angels Robbie Williams4. My Heart Will Go On Celine Dion



5. Simply the Best Tina Turner6. I Will Always Love You Whitney Houston7. You’ll Never Walk Alone Gerry and the Pacemakers8. Over the Rainbow Eva Cassidy9. Time to Say Goodbye Sarah Brightman10. We’ll Meet Again Vera Lynn

MUSIC WHICH MAY BE PLAYED ON FUNERAL TRAINING

Examples of Good and Poor Entry Music1. Louis Armstrong When the Saints go Marching in2. Prokofiev Romeo and Juliet – Dance of the

Knights3. Elgar Enigma Variations – Nimrod4. Mozart Clarinet Concerto5. Mascagni Cavalleria Rusticana

Examples of spoken word tapes1. Tam O’Shanter Robert Burns2. Casablanca Final speech from the film with Bogart

and Bergman

3. Richard Burton Do not go Gentle into That Good Night,

Dylan Thomas

Examples of the religious question1. Cat Stevens Morning Has broken2. Lloyd Webber Pie Jesu from his Requiem3. Hark the Herald Angels Sing

Examples of Non Classical Music1. David Gray Sail Away 2. Marc Bolan – T Rex 20C Boy3. Celine Dion Fly4. Sinéad O’Connor In This Heart5. Whitney Houston I Will Always Love You6. Glenn Miller Begin the Beguine7. Frank Sinatra My Way

Examples of Music used in the Reflective Period1. Albinoni Adagio2. Beethoven Moonlight Sonata3. Barber Adagio for Strings4. Vaughan Williams Lark Ascending *5. Richard Strauss Morgen



6. Bizet Pearl Fishers

Examples of Final Music1. Mahler 1st Symphony, Finale2. Louis Armstrong Wonderful World3. Beethoven 6th Symphony, The Pastoral, Last

movement – Shepherd’s song**4. Beethoven 9th Symphony, Ode to Joy***5. Auld Lang Syne6. Henry V film music



*The following poem by George Meredith inspired Vaughan Williams to write The Lark Ascending:

She rises and begins to round,She drops the silver chain of sound,Of many links without a break,In chirrup, whistle, slur and shake.

For singing till her heaven fills,‘Tis love of earth that she instils,and ever winging up and up,Our valley is her golden cup,And she the wine which overflows,To lift us with her as she goes.

Till lost on her aerial ringsIn light, and then the fancy sings.

**Beethoven wrote of the Shepherd’s Song:

Glad and grateful feelings after the storm. Nature raises its joyful voice.

***Words for Ode to Joy can be found in the BHA book, Sharing The Future.



COMMITTAL PROCEDURE

CREMATION

The committal of the body is an integral part of both religious and non-religious funeral ceremonies. With a burial, the committal is more obvious with the coffin being lowered into the grave during the ceremony, whilst the crematorium committal is purely a symbolic act of farewell with the actual cremation occurring some time later, but always on the same day.

In humanist ceremonies, the committal may occur slightly earlier in the proceedings and is obviously not imbued with any religious significance. (Many religious ceremonies end with the committal and the final music.) There is, however, symbolic significance in the disappearance of the coffin/body or, more usually, the closing of the curtains or gates to screen the catafalque – the raised dais where the coffin is placed.

There is no standard procedure for the committal. Each officiant must decide, in conjunction with the organisers, what will be the appropriate procedure in each case. As a matter of respect, some families will expect and want to stand, and for there to be formal wording before the committal. Others, perhaps acutely conscious of the sombre aspect of the committal, will want to relieve the situation as far as possible by eschewing formality, remaining seated, and perhaps listening to music rather than any formal wording. In inviting people to stand for the committal, you should consider individual needs; there may for example be a number of people with limited mobility present.

The question of whether the curtains should remain open or the coffin in place is also for the organisers to decide on. The only role here for the officiant is to help them make a considered decision, if and when advice is sought. Then the psychological importance for a symbolic farewell can be emphasised. However, it may well be counter-productive to dissuade a convinced family against their will – even if you feel they are making a wrong decision.

As perhaps the most emotionally charged element in the proceedings, the committal is often best followed by an uplifting reading or music or singing in order to restore the equilibrium. Alternatively, the family may not favour prolonging the ceremony beyond the committal – and then the closing sequence is all that is called for.



Practical advice

The committal procedure is the most practical operation the officiant is involved in during the ceremony, as it normally requires him/her to operate a switch or button either to cause the curtains/gates to close or to set the coffin in motion. Such a switch/button will be mounted on the rostrum/lectern and will either operate a mechanism directly or act as a signal to an attendant (stationed in an adjoining room) to operate it.If there are curtains, they may:

cover the entrance to a recessed catafalque and take just a few seconds to close

be stage-like, and take anything up to 30 seconds to close travel slowly in an arc around the catafalque, taking anything up

to 45 seconds

Much less commonly, gates, usually of wrought iron, slowly close automatically at a signal or action from the officiant – and on closure may leave the coffin still visible. Non-automated gates require two attendants to close them manually in synchronised fashion.

If there is some mechanism to remove the coffin, it will:

descend slowly into a recess to simulate burial depart through doors at the rear of the catafalque leading to the

cremation area

Technical hitches can always occur where switches are involved. Fortunately, such instances are rare, but if you are faced with curtains that close unintentionally early or refuse to close at all, or coffins that resolutely stay put – it is essential to remain outwardly unflustered. After the event, the mourners will make allowances for mechanical failure – and such a hitch may even be construed as humorous. But they will not forgive any unnecessary histrionics or loss of dignity on the part of the officiant.

As the curtains/gates close or the coffin departs, the officiant should demonstrably turn to face the catafalque – then turn back before (normally) asking the mourners to resume their seats. This is a small but important gesture towards relating to the body in the coffin, to complement any similar action you may have taken, for example momentarily placing your hand on the coffin before taking the rostrum at the start of the ceremony.

Some families may want the coffin to remain in sight for the whole of the proceedings. You may wish to discuss with them whether a gesture, such as putting a flower on the coffin, or touching the coffin



when leaving the crematorium is appropriate. Bear in mind that this may take time if all mourners from a large gathering want to participate, you and the family may want to limit this gesture to the chief mourners.

INTERMENT/BURIAL

The book Funerals without God includes only a brief reference to burials, as they are a relatively infrequent request. The cremation/ burial ratio is approximately 70/30 and most burials are preceded by a church/chapel service. However, increased availability, parity of cost and environmental considerations such as the introduction of woodland burials may slightly redress the balance in future years.

The most likely venue will be a local authority municipal cemetery, where it may be possible to hold the first part of the ceremony in an on-site chapel. Such chapels usually date back to the nineteenth century, were not built for large congregations and vary considerably in their facilities. Some are clean, comfortable, adequately heated in winter months and generally well appointed; others, because they are so little used, are very basic, inadequately heated, have a rather uncared for appearance and a damp and dusty feel. But all should at least have a power point for a cassette/CD player – which the funeral director may supply and operate for you.

Where no cemetery chapel exists or is out of commission, or you find yourself officiating at a smaller suburban or rural burial ground with no chapel, there are at least three alternatives:

A ceremony held earlier at a venue organised by family or friends i.e. a civic building, a church or community hall, a hotel, the funeral director’s premises, or a private house.

A graveside ceremony only, which should be scheduled to last for a time appropriate to the season and conditions. No one will welcome coping with difficult conditions underfoot and/or standing for more than ten minutes in extremes of cold, rain or wind.

As above – but followed by a memorial ceremony at a nearby and suitable venue.

If the chapel is used and there is too large an attendance for its capacity –as might be the case where the subject is a young person (for whom burial is often preferred) – it may be the lesser of two evils to have mourners standing in the unaccustomed position at the front of the chapel. You may wish to consult with the family and funeral director about this or, being in charge of proceedings, simply



use your own judgment. Certainly it is preferable to attempt to get all those attending inside the building somehow, ideally with the doors closed, rather than allowing them to spill outside where they are unlikely to be unable to either see or hear the proceedings properly.



Other points:

The coffin is usually placed on trestles or a metal trolley in the chapel.

When the crucifix is removed from the ‘altar’, it can leave a rather barren gap between the candles. A floral tribute will fill and brighten up this area.

Unless otherwise agreed, the funeral director will expect the chapel ceremony to be the same length as at a crematorium i.e. 20-25 minutes.

It is usual for the officiant and funeral director to lead the procession from the chapel to the graveside.

A non-religious funeral ceremony is sometimes indicated where a family grave is to be re-opened in a churchyard – or where a parishioner has insisted on his/her right to be buried there. This may present a problem in C of E graveyards, where a specified religious ritual is required for burial in consecrated ground. In these circumstances, a non-religious ceremony may only take place with the sanction of the bishop of the diocese. In the non-conformist traditions, permission from the relevant minister or lay authority may be all that is required.

At the graveside

The possible difficulties relating to inclement weather have already been mentioned. In the event of heavy rain, the funeral director will probably hold an umbrella over you, but it is anyway a good idea to have your written ceremony in a folder with plastic sheets to offer protection from both rain and wind. The only other likely practical difficulty for the officiant is making oneself heard. Graveyards are these days not always the secluded and quiet idylls portrayed in 18th

Century English poetry. Dual carriageways, aircraft flight paths and industrial plants have seen to that! To counteract any hearing difficulties or perhaps to make your presence better felt, try to find a slightly raised speaking position – and do not be afraid to ask straggling mourners to move in closer.

The professional bearers will have placed the coffin on supporting struts above the grave. Unless otherwise instructed, they will remain in position to lower the coffin into the grave with tapes at the required time. If you are conducting the entire ceremony at the graveside, and have a short tribute and possibly readings to deliver before the interment, you may wish the bearers to retire initially; coming forward later when called on in the customary manner (‘‘thank you gentlemen’’).



Because burial (and crematorium) grounds are much visited by relatives and friends on anniversaries or seasonal occasions, it is a good idea to acknowledge this in your wording for the committal, for example:

‘’Here -in this last rite- we commit H’s body to the earth which sustained and nourished H. for so many years, and which regenerates all life. S/he will be part of this place for all time; through the warmth of summer and the cold of winter, through the freshness of spring and the mists of autumn, s/he will be at peace. Should you return here, as you may, I hope some positive memories of our ceremony for H, perhaps the sharing of thoughts, feelings and memories, will be recalled to bring you comfort.‘’

If appropriate, you will also want to acknowledge the fact that a family grave has been re-opened in order (symbolically) to reunite husband and wife, parents and child – or other permutations.

If the ceremony is conducted entirely at the graveside, you will want to incorporate the short period of silence for reflection or private prayer into the ceremony at some appropriate point.

By general consent, one of the advantages of burials is that the ritual of lowering the coffin into the grave and the aftermath to this dispenses with the artificiality created by curtains (especially) and descending or withdrawing coffins in the crematorium setting. Once the coffin has been lowered, there may be a further short reading and any agreed announcements; but then the officiant can draw the proceedings to a natural end in the following ways.

By dropping a flower or some greenery on to the coffin – then inviting others who may wish to do the same ‘before taking your leave’. (Small children accompanied by parents or another adult will sometimes come forward with other personal mementos).

If you know that a significant number of those attending represent different nationalities and cultures, it is advisable to ask them to make their farewell gesture ‘before taking your leave’, in whatever way is appropriate to them (you may be surprised and educated by the variations).

This closing sequence of individual farewells should make it easier for the mourners to sense a natural conclusion and walk away from the graveside. At this time, the officiant will not want to be an intrusive presence and can stand aside with the funeral director. A final farewell to the family/friends, and the presentation of the text, can be made as they return to their transport.



SUGGESTED COMMITTAL WORDS

Burial

Susan will be laid to rest with mementos of her family around her, and her life is now woven into the total fabric of life, where it will stay – always.

Susan is at peace and we entrust her body into the safe-keeping of the earth, which is the source of life for us all. She will be a part of this place for all time; through the warmth of summer and the cold of winter, through the freshness of spring and the mists of autumn, she will be here, at rest.

Cremation

You have been remembering this afternoon the life of Joseph Parry. You have been remembering him with respect and admiration, but above all, you have been remembering him with love. And now, here in this last act, in sorrow but without fear, we commit Joe’s body to be cremated.

You rejoice that she livedYou’re glad that you saw her faceYou took delight in her friendshipYou treasure that you walked life with herYou cherish the memory of her words,Her achievements, her character, her qualitiesWith love you leave her in peaceWith respect you bid her farewell.

With love and respect you have remembered the life of Janice Parsons, and recalled the person she has been. Here, in this last act, immune now to the changes and chances of our mortal lot, we commit her body to its end.

We commit Robert’s body back to the elements. We do this with love, with reverence, and with profound sadness. You say goodbye to Robert’s remains and you will leave this place shortly to do your duty by him; certainly to remember him, but also to continue with our lives, to try to fulfil our dreams.

With sadness and with love and appreciation you have been remembering the life of Nancy Brown. She is now beyond harm, fear or pain, and here, in this last rite, we commit her body to its end.



AFTER THE CEREMONY – TERRACE ETIQUETTE

Leaving the crematorium at the end of the funeral is an important part that signifies the end of the ceremony. The exit doors of the crematorium are often opened by the attendant but it may be the funeral director or, indeed, the officiant who does this. Most officiants will leave the ceremony first and then have a few words with the chief mourners as they come on to the terrace. If there are a lot of mourners it is best to position oneself well onto the terrace and away from the doors to prevent a jam forming at the exit.

It is quite usual for mourners to want to shake your hand and several will pass comment, usually favourable. Those who may have felt unhappy that it wasn't a religious ceremony may simply ignore you…but their reaction is more than compensated for by the positive feedback that you are likely to receive.

As people gather around the terrace it is quite common to be engaged in longer conversation, frequently about Humanism and our ceremonies. It is well worth having business cards available and a few copies of the leaflet To Celebrate A Life. You might consider some simple notes explaining Humanism itself. The key point here is simply to be available for a few moments.

There are some things that should be done:

Thank the chapel attendant(s) and, if they played, the organist.

Collect CDs or tapes.

Thank those who gave contributions.

Pick up your coat or umbrella.

Say goodbye to the funeral director.

Say farewell to the family and friends with whom you have been working on the ceremony.

You may be invited to the reception or wake after the ceremony. There are no firm guidelines here but most celebrants do not go on every occasion…you may well find that you quickly feel out of place. There will be times, though, when you do wish to accept the invitation.

Sometimes you will lead a subsequent memorial ceremony.



There will come a point, however, where our relationship with the bereaved must end. We have entered their lives at a vulnerable time for them, we will have given them support, guidance and strength, and we will, on many occasions, have assumed a privileged role in their lives. We must bring that relationship to an appropriate close. Excepting, of course, those occasions where one is working with existing friends and family.

What about our emotions?

We cannot carry them with us….we would quickly become overwhelmed.

We are professionals and we have a network of support. Ceremonies may, occasionally, leave us feeling emotionally exposed…in these cases we should seek the support of others within the BHA, be it friend, mentor, co-ordinator or someone else. We need to set the burden down.

We do need to move on to meet the next family.

We are not counsellors.

A final thought

A family may contact you again for subsequent ceremonies of whatever nature. In most cases this will be a very positive thing but you can say "No" if you wish (you may, for example, have found it hard to break the initial tie). If you do say no, however, you should refer the work to a colleague.



SAMPLE RECORD SHEET

Serial No

Name of deceased Known as

Date of birth Age

Date of death

Circumstances of death

Funeral director Tel

Crem

Date/time

Person arranging funeral

Address

Tel

Family visit

Fee Miles FV Miles crem

Music Curtains



Script to familyHOMEWORK following Part 3 Technical Training – Funerals

Please provide both a FAMILY COPY and a WORKING COPY of the script for Simon Gray. Please e-mail these to your tutor within TWO WEEKS. Your tutor will return a marked copy within a further TWO WEEKS.

Family visit with Simon’s parents, sister Jenny, brother Jack and ‘Nan, Mary.

Simon was 24 years old. He died a few days ago from hepatitis which he contracted in Namibia where he was doing a two-year International Volunteering project. He became ill just last month and arrived back in England just 2 weeks ago. His family were with him at the hospital when he died.

Simon’s father, Charles [Chas] is a car mechanic, his mother, Sue works in the office at the local secondary school.

His sister Jenny is 21; she is a hairdresser. She wishes to speak at the ceremony; her speech will be provided.

Their brother Jack works in the local leisure centre as a gym attendant. He has very little to say at the family visit but you do discover that the boys were close and shared football and music.

The family live in Peterborough in a semi-detached house which has been the family home throughout the children’s lives. They have a dog - Peck - and a cat – Rebock. There are lots of photographs around of all of the children, many taken in Cromer where the family have a caravan.

Simon is the only member of the family to have gone to university; they are very proud of this and of his commitment to helping people in developing countries. He studied politics at Sheffield and many of his university friends are expected at the funeral.

Simon’s girlfriend, Kharla, has flown from Namibia for the funeral; she is a doctor and is expecting their child. She would like some African music to be played some time in the ceremony. Chas and Sue visited Simon in Africa six months ago, before he became ill. They were warmly welcomed by Kharla’s family and have now welcomed her into their home.



Simon has a paternal grandmother – Mary. She has been very close to him and is finding it hard to come to terms with. She ‘blames’ Africa for his death and you suspect that she has negative feelings for Kharla. Her memories are of Simon and his brother when they were young. She looked after them when their mother worked and has memories of them being very close, very competitive and endlessly playing football together. Simon frequently sent postcards to his Nan telling her about his life in the village where he was working.

He also has a paternal grandfather – Tom, who spent some time in Africa during his national service. He has always talked to the children about this as a very positive experience and it seems that Simon admired his grandad and was influenced or inspired by him.

Grandad has attended a humanist funeral ceremony in the past. Nan is the only family member who has any religious faith.

Chas and Sue are keen that Simon’s values about cultural exchange and sustainable development in Africa are included in the ceremony. They are very proud of him. They want to promote Fair Trade as that was part of the project he was working on.

Chas, Simon and Jack have been lifelong supporters of Peterborough United Football Club. They all went to the match every Saturday from when the boys were very young. Simon became a seriously good footballer and almost became professional but didn’t quite make it. He captained the local team for a number of years, coming back to play most Sundays when he was at University. Jack is still playing for that same local team.

Kharla has told the family about Simon coaching and managing a team of young players in Namibia. They managed to get into a league and won the championship last year. He was very popular with the young players and they are holding a memorial match for him on the day of the funeral.

The funeral director has confirmed that there is a 20 minute slot at the Crematorium.

Grandad has said that he would be willing to read a piece of poetry or prose if you could find something which they all agree is suitable.

The family have provided a lunch for everybody at the Plough and Harrow which is where the football team always meet. They would like everybody to join them there and want all of the young people to feel comfortable to talk freely and openly about Simon. They would like Kharla to get to know as many of his friends as possible.



Three pieces of music will be required for the ceremony.

Jenny’s tribute:

My brother Simon…what do I say? When I was a kid he was my best friend - he has always been a part of my life, we were always together a really close knit family. You all know how hard this is for us. But we are going to get through it because Simon was so bloody brilliant and set us such a wonderful example by being himself and living his life according to his values.

While the rest of us were thinking about how we looked or making money or getting better cars and all that stuff, he was getting into politics. He wanted to give his time and energy to people less fortunate and was happy to dig a ditch for villagers in Africa to help them build a better village and improve the quality of their lives. I suppose that the way he died was the way he would have liked to have gone – doing something important to help people who needed his help.

I remember Simon buying me a crate of Body Shop stuff when I was 14 – he’d decided that fair trade and non-animal tested toiletries were what I should be using and he was just starting to get very political. I reckon he wanted his teenage sister to smell of something a little more interesting than Boots 17 when his mates came round – that’s probably why Dave my first boyfriend and I got together - because I smelt like a vanilla ice cream.

Jack and I weren’t studious like Simon – he really was the brains in our family – the thoughtful one who decided that life didn’t begin and end in Peterborough. When he went to Sheffield we were all so proud of him – the first person in the Gray family to make it to university. When he graduated with a brilliant degree we all behaved really well at the ceremony and got dressed up and all that stuff and then went completely bonkers afterwards – I think my hangover lasted a week – it was all Simon’s fault but I enjoyed every minute of it, especially when Dad and Jack pushed Simon and I into the river.

The last time I went to the caravan at Cromer with Simon was just before he left for his stint with VSO so about two years ago – we went with Claire and Gav and had a brilliant time – one night we’d been out for a drink or ten and were sitting outside discussing the meaning of life – Simon said ‘you know what Jen – I really admire you for setting up your own business and all that – I just couldn’t do it – I don’t have the business head for it’. And it was the greatest compliment my bright and brilliant brother who got a first in politics could give me.



When Simon wrote to say he had met a brilliant young doctor called Kharla and that he thought he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her – I knew that anyone Simon spoke about like that would be very special indeed. I’m so glad Kharla is here today and I am so glad that Simon and she decided to have children together. When their child is born there will be a little bit of Simon somewhere in the world and that is a real comfort to my mum and dad, nan and granddad and Jack and me.

Bye Simon my brilliant brother – we’ll always remember you and we’ll always love you.

Please write a script for the funeral ceremony for Simon Gray, including the tributes, poems and music, which you should choose. Feel free to add any details you need but they should be in keeping with the character of Simon which you already have. A satisfactory script is required before you can be recommended to proceed further within the BHA accreditation scheme.


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