Building Self Esteem In Our Children

Michelle Borba – Special Education teacher and Author

• Research clearly indicates how building self esteem can directly help children’s school achievement, behaviour and chances for success in life.

Agenda for the evening

• Introduction• What is Self Esteem?• What does a child with low and

high self esteem look like?• Five Building Blocks needed to

develop self esteem. • Strategies

• Active Parenting – video-“Encouragement”

• Questions/Comments.

Warm up

• Introduce yourself to a person you don’t know and share with them, two things you value about your child.

How well do you know your child?

Take the survey.

How well do you know your child?

• Who is your child’s best friend?• Who is your child’s hero?• What embarrasses your child most?• What is your child’s nickname in school?• What is your child’s biggest complaint about

the family?• What accomplishment is your child proudest

of?

What is Self Esteem?

• Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth.

• Self-Esteem is the judgment or opinion we hold about ourselves. It’s the extent to which we perceive ourselves to be worthwhile and capable human beings”.

What is Self Esteem?

• A sense of competence, achievement, and self-respect. Maslow felt that the most stable source of self-esteem is genuine accomplishment rather than public acclaim or praise.

• Our self-esteem is determined by our relationships with other people.

What does a child with high self esteem look like?

High Self Esteem

Have faith in their abilities. Are willing to make decisions. Are willing to try new things. Are willing to take risks. Are independent. Feel confident. Have leadership qualities. Happy

What does a child with low self esteem look like?

Low Self Esteem

• Feel unacceptable, incompetent and unlikable.• Are fearful of new interactions and situations.• Fear of failure. Won’t take risks.• Are shy or overly aggressive.• Lack faith in their abilities.• Can be dependent on adults to do things for them.• Lack confidence and autonomy.• Follower.• Unhappy

Research indicates

• Self-esteem can be changed, regardless of age

• Self-esteem is learned; therefore, it can be taught

• Parents and teachers are an integral part of the esteem-building process especially if they work together in this process.

Who is an Esteem Builder?

Someone who:• Has the ability to change a child’s self opinion of the

better. • Has an enormous influence on a child’s self esteem• Must be considered worthy, important or significant to

the child in order to be effective

Five Building Blocks of Self Esteem

Security

SelfEsteemCompetence

Selfhood

Mission

Affiliation

Building Blocks of Self Esteem

SECURITYThe essential feeling of physical safety, trust, and emotional security. This child feels safe,

knowing there are people he/she can count on.

To establish a sense of security:

• Show you care. Hug, love, and Praise.• Model Positive Self Statements. • Love Notes. Leave a note in their lunchbag or under your

child’s pillow affirming your special love for him/her. • 5:1 Ratio It takes at least 5 positive statements to combat one

negative one. • Discourage put downs. 1 Negative = 1 Positive• Set aside and plan private, uninterrupted “together” time with

your child. • Take time to listen – really listen- Try not to add your judgment

or evaluation to your child’s opinion.

To establish a sense of security:

• Let your child know what kind of behaviour you expect from them.. • Enforce your rules consistently in ways that build responsibility.• Discipline privately. • Encourage independence• Teach your child the difference between who they are and what they

do. “We love you for the person you are not for the things you do”. • Show your confidence and trust in them. “I know you can do it,

remember when…….• Help your child feel safe. There is no problem so great that it can’t be

solved. • Provide your children with decision making opportunities but within

limits.

Children high in the feeling of security might say,

“The rules in my home are necessary and fair”. “I may not like them sometimes but my parents know

what is best for me”. “I can count on my parents.”

SelfhoodThe strong sense of individuality,

self-knowledge or personal identity; the question Of “Who am I?” This child feels

adequate and worthy of praise.

Feeling of SelfhoodI am a boy (cute+) I am 4.11(Ok)I am a brother (Ok)I am a student (Good)I am a boy scout (super)I am a grandson (loved)I am a friend (good)I am tall (yeah)

OVERALL JUDGEMENT-POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM

I am a boy (cute)I am a swimmer (fair)I am a son (not good enough)I am a soccer player (good)I am a student (stupid)I am a sixth grader (ugly)I am tall ( too short)

OVERALL JUDGEMENT – NEGATIVE SELF-ESTEEM

To build a sense of identity or a positive self-concept

• Share your own life with your child when you were growing up.

• Spend time together looking over family photos.• Praise immediately, specifically and repeatedly. • Treat your child as an important person.• Provide love and acceptance of them as individuals. • Avoid subtle encouragement of competition between

siblings. This usually lead to rivalry and jeolousy. • Increase your child’s awareness of their strengths.

Children high in the feeling of selfhood might say,

“I am a lot of things …. A boy, a soccer player, a son, a grandson, an artist”

“I’m not as good-looking as a movie star, but when I smile I know I can make people smile.”

AffiliationThe feeling of belonging and connectedness. This child is able to cooperate and share as well as show compassion towards others.

To create a sense of belonging:

• Build close family relationships both immediate and extended family. Enjoy each others company.

• Celebrate your heritage.• Share a meal together everyday.• Teach your child how to be a group member by

putting them in activities that teach them valuable social skills.

• Encourage service to others. Teach them how to be empathic to others. “What can you do to make grandpa feel better?

To create a sense of belonging:

• Notice friendly deeds and acknowledge it. • Create opportunities for leadership. “You are

really good in art, why don’t you teach your friends how to draw animals”

• What is their role in the family. How can they help out the family?

Children high in the feeling of affiliation might say,

“I like being with my family,” “I sure have a lot of good friends,” “It’s fun helping others”“Most people like me”.

MissionA sense of purpose and aim in life; the

“where we are headed” issue. This child takes initiative, feels responsible

for his/her actions, seeks alternativesto problems, and evaluates his/her

past behaviour or performance.

To develop a sense of purpose:

• Help your child set realistic goals.• Share a goal you as a parent might have in your own

life. “I am learning how to be a better painter.”• Discuss what they need to do to achieve their goal in

a supportive way. • Encourage your child to visualize achieving their

goal. • Demonstrate faith and confidence in your child. Let

them do important jobs. Use their ideas. • Expand your child’s interests and talents (sports,

music, art, etc.)

Students high in the feeling of mission might say,

“Yesterday I got fifteen spelling words right. Tomorrow I’m going to try for seventeen,”

“I may not be good at soccer right now, but I know what I can do to get better at it.”

CompetenceThe feeling of capableness and self-empowerment.

A child who feels competent is not only awareof his/her strengths but is also able to

accept his/her weaknesses.

To achieve a sense of personal competence:

• Help your child develop a plan of action for the goals that have been set. “What do you need to do in order to get into the Spelling B or to be a baseball player”.

• Set up reward systems when your child needs incentives.• Praise, celebrate and reward success. • Give your child feedback regarding progress being made along

the way. • Praise and acknowledge success but more importantly the

effort.• Family Birthday Activity – The things I love about Jonathan. • Accept mistakes as learning opportunities.

Children high in the feeling of competence might say,

“I learn fast,” “Sure, I’ll try,” or “When I messed up that time, I really

discovered what I needed to do differently.”

Dr. David Popkin – Active Parenting

The Power of Encouragement

To Encourage is to give courage to

“ A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.”

Rudolf Dreikurs

Encouragement verses Discouragement

Encouragement Discouragement

• Showing Confidence• Build on your child’sstrengths

• Value your child• Stimulate independence

• Focusing on mistakes• Negative Expectations• Perfectionism• Overprotection

Listen to the ChildrenTake a moment to listen today

To what your children are trying to say. Listen today, whatever you do,

Or they won’t be there to listen to you.Listen to their problems, listen for their needs.

Praise their smallest triumphs, praise their smallest deeds.

Tolerate their chatter, amplify their laughter; Find out what’s the matter, find out what they’re after.

But tell them that you love them every single night, And though you scold them, make sure you hold them,

And tell them, “Everything’s all right. If we tell our children all the bad in them we see,

They’ll grow up exactly how we hoped they’d never be. But if we tell our children, we’re so proud to

Wear their name, They’ll grow up believing they’re winners in the game.

Take a moment to listen todayTo what your children are trying to say.

Listen today, whatever you do And they will come back to listen to you.