charlottetown rural high school crhs “reader’s digress” october 1984

8/10/2019 Charlottetown Rural High School CRHS Readers Digress October 1984

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Con -t &n -t ^s

R o c k ' n R u r a l a l b u m s 1

R o c k ' n R u r a l T o p T e n S i n g l e s 1

Rock'n Rural lap Ten Videos

D e a r A m a n d a 2

H o w C o o l A r e Y o u Q u i z 3

H e r W o r d - T r o u b l e 4

H i s W o r d - T r o u b l e 4

T r e m e n d o u s l y T o u g h T r i v i a T e s t 5

I n t h e N e w s 6

A m a n d a ' s M o s t U n u s u a l P r o b l e m s 6

R o c k ' n R u r a l S i n g l e s 7

O -t At, 5nr%o& ?- t at

O t h e r w o r l d 8

1 9 8 5 P r e d i c t i o n s g

C . R . H . S . S t a f f r o o m 9

S i a m a n d S i a m 1 0

S i a m a n d S i a m 1 1

C r e d i t s 1 2

T h e S a m e O l d S t o r y 1 2

W e W a n n a " K n o w 1 2


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3/13

My boyfriend is insanely jealous. Every time I even look sideways at a guy, he goes

eras)/. I cah't help looking at other people, so what am I going to da?

Green Eyed Monster's Girl

Dear Ms. Girl

Tell Green that he's being unreasonable. You don't treat him that way, why should

you put up with it? You can't walk around with your eyes closed - you might bump into

something or someone I

Dear Amanda

}ty problem is I have no problem. I am good looking, wonderfully funny, and

basically a terrific guy. My clothing puts all the other guys at C.R.H.S. to shame;

nobody apreciates a preppy these days. Let's face it, I'm a social butterfly, but the

lunch hour just isn't long enough to mingle with my admirers. How can I fit all this

socializing into a measly hour?

A.L. (The Hot Dog)

Dear A.L.

Grow up If you brought your lunch to school, you wouldn't waste most of your

lunch hour socializing by scrounging money You sound like you are from Colonel Gray; I

bet you even have Bolet's and deck shoes

Dear Amanda

It is a great idea to have this advice column because lots of people In this

school have problems, especially me. YoXf see, I like this guy on the hockey team. We

met at a party and he seemed really interested. We got to know each other pretty good

Then on Monday in school, he completely ignored me. What can I do to get him interested

in me again?

A Redmen Fan

Dear Redmen Fan

If you are- interested in a real relationship, for starters, don't begin it at a

hockey party Some of those boys have quite a reputation Get to know him at school.

Say hello. Ask him about his classes, or maybe even tutor him at your house. Pretty

soon, he'll be calling you.

Dear Amanda

I am a Siamese twin. My problem is my brother. He follows me everywhere I go. I

go out on a date with a girl and he comes with me for the fun of it. When I kiss my

girlfriend goochight, he has to kiss her too. It's not as if we were connected at the

shoulders you know. He just does it to bug me. How can I stop him from following me

around. I keep telling him not to, but he won't listen. What should I do?

Joint Affair

Dear J.A.

I don't really see* your problem. You want your girlfriend to have a good time,

don't you? Well isn't it double the fun for her? If your brother is really stuck on

going out With you, why not find him a girlfriend, or may I suggest, a trial

separation? ?

Dear Amanda

Help You see, I have this girlfriend. Well, I guess you could call her my

girlfriend. We have gone out a few times and I thought we both had a really great time,

but then in school.... all I can say is that it's just not the same in school. She says

hi, and is friendly, but it's as if we're just casual friencs. What can I do?

Desparate in the daytime

Dear Desparate

I thihk that maybe you should confront her about this. Maybe it's not her that is

changing at school. Do you pay attention to her? You'd better review your free time.

What do you ob with it? All I Can say is that you both should talk this over. After

all, I can't db everything Well maybe.

Amanda,


4/13

Hew &


5/13

No doubt everyone has heard the old maxim, "Clothes make the man." This issue's

column will tell you specifically what kind of "man" (as if that term could be applied

to any one of the males at C.R.H.S.) you are.

Without a doubt, the most easily identifiable type of guy is the jock. Found in the

gym wearing sagging gym pants and a sweatshirt emblazoned with NIKE or some

university's logo, this individual's hobbies include measuring how many litres of

perspiration one can sweat in an hour (not including that absorbed by his gym clothes),

taping and re-taping his hockey stick, and coming up with new sports to excel in. His

most important fashion accessory is his bottle of roll-on Mitchum deodorant, which

lasts up to 24 hours longer which means he only has to apply it every second day. Thus

saving time for more important things like tieing his shoes. Fortunately, sports

companies are manufacturing sneakers with velcro fastenings that do not pose the

challenging problem of how to tie one's shoes without making knots.

The heavy metal fan is recognized by his more animalistic tastes in fashion, which

include leopard skin pants and shirts that look like they were fed to a hungry cow and

then regurgitated. Mr. Headbanger's most necessary accessory is his Cooper hockey

helmet which protects his cranium from the brutal batterings and bashings it might

recieve while molesting cement walls at Twisted Sister rock concerts. His,pastimes

include assaulting clerks in record shops and putting his shirts in the blender to

achieve" that ravenous look.

You'll never lose this guy in a crowd. Attired in purple and green polyester dress

pants matched with a black and yellow polka-dot shirt, this geek really tries hard to

make a fashion statement. And when he doesn't succeed, he turns to his most trusted

fashion accessory, his security blanket. This well worn piece of cloth is the key to

his daily existance. This dude's recreational activities include reading books on how

to be popular with girls and trying to be cool.

The monotonous sound of the Greb Kodiak workboot shuffle distinguishes the rugged

individual from everyone else. The faded jean jacket and'jeans show that he prefers to

have stone-washed clothes (even if he has to find the stones himself). One can conclude

that Mr. Rugged Individual likes the outdoors a great deal from examining his hobbies

which include walking to school in frezzing sub-zero temperatures, seeing how much

weight his steel toed boots can endure, and pushing his truck through the mud in the

rainy season. His primary fashion accessories include a complete screwdriver and wrench

set and emergency rations for survival in wilderness situations.

Mr. Intellectual with the clip and cuff links, and matching loafers, brings joy to

any mother's heart as he repesents the ideal, reliable, dependable, dull, boring

husband that she wants for her daughter. Mr. Intellectual's favourite ways to relax

include memorizing the biological classification of the common anteater and trying to

enlighten his personality. Less formal daytime attire includes his own monogrammed lab

coat (for chemistry) and a scrub suit (for disection in biology class). His most

imortant fashion asset is the World Book Encyclopedia volume he carries with him

everywhere he goes.

Now that you have been alerted to the dangers that lurk behind 3 piece suits,

leopard skin pants, sweatshirts, etc., you should be able to make your own analysis of

what kind of "man" is hiding behing'those clothes. Good luck

In the next edition, my colleague and I will discuss SEX.

H ~ L & W o - r - d T ' r - O ' U r t ? L & , . -

This month, I and my female colleague will write t^'T^TiJr^ ^Hv-^c"

on fash ion . F i r s t o f a l l , l ea the r - look p las t i c pan ts [ "w ^^^^2^ (5^*

with gold plated tow chains wrapped around one's ^^r^mmt&s^^&ms^m^^^^

waist are out (And although some girls haven't

heard yet, skin tight designer jeans ate taboo

also). Anyway, we'll start With the feet J deck or

boat shoes are in fashion now, although nobody in

this school is wearing the originals Real deck

shoes have leather soles with ribbing along them to

provide a good grip on slippery decks (hence the

name). Argyle socks, not heavy-duty work socks,

are best suited to complement one's fashionable footwear. Bunny slippers, work boots,


6/13

and high heels, although great on girls, they are not recommended for guys.

Now, when covering one's loins, slight variations take place between male and female

lines. It's okay for girls to wear short skirts (coming back into style, you

fashionmongers) and dressy pants, never army surplus junk Surface mounted 3-d pockets

are the "in" look now, for guys and girls, but not on teachers. Teachers must Wear

polyester leisure suits made from melted Dannie and Marie records (some teeners already

do).

Well enough of this stupid junk. Would all you jerk-faced weirdos please stop

reading so I can insult your half-witted feable little minds. If you keep reading

(which I doubt you can), it's probably because you have an IQ that's equal to the room

temperature (degrees celcius). Let's get down to the facts. Most girls dress like

slobs (.1 dress like a slob too, but let's not get into that right now). Take, for

instance, the girl who wears Adidas sneakers, tight Levis', a semi-transparent blouse,

and a woolen vest. That's all. No socks or anything else. What kind of girl is this? A

popular one. But the next kind of girl, the super-peer-pressured conformist, thinks

she's being fashionable when she wears what everyone else is wearing. Hah Would your

female friend wear a "FRAJSKIE SAY WAR" or "BAD GIRLS" sweater? Probably.

However, other forms of female taste exist, like the avant garde super prepette, who

always wears dress shoes, expensive limited edition clothing, one of a kind hairstyles,

and is constantly up-dated by good strong blasts of VogUe^and similar rag

magazines. This kind of lady one can really appreciate, as she brings a breath of fresh

air to Wall to wall denim.

There's also the semi-trim, a new model for '85, who flirts with the fashionable

(and expensive) but can fall back on a selected wardrobe of very acceptable dresswear.

The semi-trim can be seen Tuesdays through Thursdays of each week, as they are limited

on the amount of fashion per week. Most semi-trims work part-time to support their

fashion habit.

Anyway, there are far too many types of odd ball feamles to mention, especially when

there are some pretty decent girls in our school. Unfortunately, this .column is

supposed to insult and infuriate females, So those of you who are not giddy little

bodies looking for a guy to cling to, can stop reading now. I mean it Stop reading

right this moment. Now to those dizzy inferiority complexes left over, I must state the

following: WAKE UP Clothing is an expression of one's self. Don't screw it up by going

around in beer sweatshirts when you want to wear a fashionable co-ordinate to suit the

occaision. Trends are started when people have enough sense to wear or not to wear what

they want. That is what dictates fashion, not gaudy designs in day-glo orange at the

rack of some better clothihg stores. Remember what you want when you go into such a

store. Ask for what you want. Don't accept an uncomfortable or expensive style pushed

on you. Then, you will be a trend setter.

Next month my colleague (and my computer date) will discuss (whatever

Susan wants.) [Note: Susan selected sex].

To enter this contest, simply answer as many of the following trivia questions as

possible oh a sheet of paper. Don't'forget to add your name and class to the sheet. The

prize for the contestant with the most correct answers will be [arrfiouriced]. The

winner will be announced in the next issue of the Reader's Digress. All entries must be

in no later than March 6.

1) Name the famous brother duo who starred in the 1930's film "The Jest."

2) How old must an American-born citizen be in order to be eligible for presidency

of the United States?

3) Who is Gladys Smith better known as?

4) What length is U.S. paper currency?

5) Who directed "Karate Kid"?

6) How many children did Johan Sebastian Bach father?

7) Which Pope was the first to visit New York City?

8) Who played Noyt Axton in the movie "Gremlins"?

9) Which NHL team placed 14 overall in 1983-84?

10) Who speaks for the Aardvark on "The Pink Panther"?


7/13

The Charlottetown Rural High School Band is engaged in what is called

a competition year. First of all, this year there is more than one band.

In fact there ate three bands, each separate from the other. The regular

band, or just plain high school band is playing musical pieces of

moderate difficulty. They have their additional practices on the mornings

of the odd days of the cycle at 8:00 in the band mobile. The Contract

Band, or adavhced band, is playing music which is relatively harder than

the high school band's music. The Contract Band, which practices on

Monday nights from 7:00 to 8:30, will be entered in the advanced

catagories of the music festivals. The third band is the Stage Band (jazz

band). They practice at lunch time of the,odd days of the six day cycle.

The Stage Band, sometimes directed by Julie Gallant, will be entered in

other catagories at the music festivals. Apart from the three main bands,

there are also several small ensemble groups (2 to 4 players each) that

will enter music festivals.

The Charlottetown Music Festival will be held during the first week of

May this year. This festival is very competitive. We wish all three bands

success at this challenging festival. We wish Mr. (Moo Cready) McCready,

the conductor and band leader, luck in motivating his students to learn

all of their parts.

The Mohcton Music Festival, traditionally held in the last week of

May, will be attended by all three bands if all goes as planned. The

bands are working hard this year So we prdeict that they will perform

well .

The C.R.H.S. Debating Club is having an excellent year. Last fall,

they went to a debating training session in Halifax, and participated in

debates held in English classes. Just before Christmas, in a competitive

debate With Colonel Gray, the Rural team whipped the Gray's.debating team

which has about twice as many members. When it comes to Colonel Gray,

quantity does not make quality. At a recent meet, which was not

competitive, the Rural team hosted Gray's team and all had a good time,

except for Mrs. Scott and Mr. Weeks (the teacher advisors) who had to

clean up after supper.

On March 7, 1985, the Island competition will be held. In all

probability it will occur at Colonel Gray High School. Nova Scotia, which

has many excellent debating teams, will be sending over its overall

champion to this competition. If our team wins, it will be a great

victory. The resolution for the upcoming debate is "Should Capital

Punishment Be Reinstated?". Fortunately., our team is prepared for this

topic. It should be ah exciting tournament.

* I'm a busdriver and want some more onformation on how to become a

s h e p h e r d . F r a n k K e l l y

* I'm a shepherd and want* some more information on how to become a

b U s d r i v e r . G r i g M a n n u s

* I hear there is life after death. If that's true, can you get me in

touch With my uncle Leroy Albrecht from Orillia, Ontario?

Biroh "Rain Pants" Showered

* My boyfriend burns the hair out of his hose with a lighted match.

And he thinks I'm crazy cause I voted for Turner.

Ruth Kidney

* I can't trust my boyfriend. He hid my dentures so I couldn't vote

for the Liberals. Should I go back to my husband?

M. Bacon

* My father Want's to be buried in his '69 Chevy. Is this natural?

K. Knash

* A girl I sit next td always has body odour. What can I do about

h e r ? B r a i n D e c a y


8/13

/?ocrfc * n &%jl-t-cl L Singles (45's)

The author of this music article would like to thank CFCY for all their help in

its production. CFCY generously loaned him the music and the valuable studio time to

aid him in his efforts.

Deep Purple "Knocking at Your Back Door" from the LP "Perfect Strangers" - good.

This new offering from the reunited Deep Purple shows a more mature style for these

metal masters. Ian Gillan's singing is smooth and powerful. Guitarist Richie Blackmore

is rather subdued compared to his earlier work - nonetheless, a fine song from the

album.

Twisted Sister "The Price" from the LP "Stay Hungry" - fair. Sounds Like the

Scorpions* "Still Loving You." Run of the Mill, boring.

Pat Metheney Group / David Bowie "This Is Not America" theme from "The Falcon and

the Snowman" - good. Metheney is a jazz-rocker, who works well here with Bowie. Bowie

sounds a bit strained in parts, but the melody is haunting.

Rod Stewart "All Right Now"vfrom the LP "Camouflage" - poor. A horrible rendition of

the Free classic. Get the original before listening to this trash.

Corey Hart "Lamp At Midnight" - good. Hart's got an interesting voice - nothing

special about this one. More dance floor fodder.

Little River Band "Playing to Win" from the LP of the same name - good. Adequate

singing and playing, but a bit too much synthesizer.

Tears for Fears "Shout" - poor. Boriftg-* repetitive.

Plane P Project "What I See" from the LP "Pink World" - good. Despite the wimpy band

name, the single has a good sound to it, similar to Pink Floyd.

Steve Miller Band "Bongo Bongo" from the LP Italian X-Rays" - poor. Yuck. I can't

believe this is the guy who gave us classics like "The Joker," "Keep on Rockin' Me

Babe," and "Fly Like an Eagle." This new sound is so far removed from his previous

tunes, it's impossible to fathom it. Senseless synthesizers, meaningless music.

Joan Jett & The Blackhearts "Cherry Bomb" from the LP "Glorious Results of a Mispent

Youth" - fair. Hit-and-miss here. Joan is still trying to match her successful "I love

Rock'n Roll" LP. Less of her usual guitar sound, and more synthesizer.

Eugene Wilde "Gotta Get You Home Tonight" - very good. Very easy listening. Light, a

little jazzy. Great voice, similar to the late Marvin Gaye.

Stevie Wonder "Don't Drive Drunk" - from the LP "Soundtrack from 'The Woman in

Red'" - good. A good song supporting M.A.D.D. Should belong with a commercial. Sounds a

little Giostbuster-ish.

The Cars "Why Can't I Have You" from the LP "Heartbeat City" - fair. A little weak.

You just can't believe Ocasek's singing here - he sounds insincere. Get the LP instead.

Ultravox "Love's Great Adventure" from the LP "The Collection" - poor. For

synthesizer fans only. Too bland - lacking in everything.

Tom Robinson "War Baby" from the LP "Hope and Glory" - poor. Wimpy, anti-war trash.

John Waits "Restless Heart" from the LP "No Brakes" - fair. "Missing You" is the

single you want from this album. This one just gets lost in the pile.


9/13

Ct-bVi,&7~%&0'7- Let

Many world3 exist beyond the realm of our universe. These OTHERWORLD dimensions were

discovered by the ancients; but, through the ages, the portals to the other dimensions

have been sealed. However, early this year, two portals were discovered by members of

this newspaper's staff. Each voyaged to another dimension and observed the parallel

evolutions which had occured there. There were many similarities; in one dimension

people even had the same names as we do here. From that dimension, we have predictions

with typsy Wing Tohg Lee.

From the other otherworld, we have a report of our parallel school, Chuckwood

Regional High School, In the dimension this is from, people have slightly different

names, In both other dimensions, the personalities of the people are drastically

different from those of their counterparts in our world.

Hel Xo I'm Gypsy Wing Tohg Lee and I'm here to give you my predictions for

1985. So Without further adieu (simply because I can't think of a better intro), here

are my predictions*

*Mr. Austin MacOonald will abandon his old and crazy ways to become a TV evangelist.

That's E-V-*-N-G-E-L-I-S-T, Austin.

Mrs. M. Dover will write a book entitled "The Life and Times of Billy the Kid

Shakespeare" based on excerpts from her grandfather's diary.

Mr. J. B. MacOonald will finally take his students' advice and commit himself to a

home for bad comics.

Bill Will quit his job as janitor to run in the next provincial election.

Mr. Morrison' Will star in a made for TV movie to be called "Billy Bishop Goes to

New York."

*Mr. Shea will take a driver training course.

Mr. Birch's grade 12 biology class will discover on March 1st that their supply of

lab cats has been stolen.

The cafeteriai will serve Chinese food on March 2nd.

*Mr, Power will announce his sighting of a U.F.O. In his report, he will announce

seeing little Martians with tooth-pick like bodies, large green heads, and a single red

eye.

Cafeteria crew will develop a desire for Italian food and serve only peperoni pizza

with garlic sauce to students and staff. As a result, school will be cancelled cue to a

lade of communication.

Mr. Wynne Will organize a rock'n roll band called "Eugene and the Eusers." They

will go on to write such hits as "I Wanna New Slug," "You Might Trunk (I'm a Teacher),"

"We're Not Gonna Fake It," "The Heart and Kidheys of Rock'n Roll," "Careless Whimper,"

"Like a Surgeon," "Wild Toys," "Sleazy Lover," "Preacher, Preacher," "Caribbean

Spleen," and much, much, more

Mrs, Dorsey's grade 11 English class will boycott classes claiming that sleep is

for the home.

*Mr. D. Connolly, Mr, Carson, and Mr. Rodgerson will form the D-Team to fight

against crime in the school's washrooms.

Mr. McCarville will -ah- enter the Guiness Book -ah- of World Records for the -ah-

longest speech with-ah-out flubbing his -ah- words. The new record will be set at -ah-

10 seconds.

Howard Rodgerson, turning towards his musical interests, will release his smash

single, "Protron Dance."

The grade twelve biology class will be sued for mal-practise by Kermit the Frog,

Ahd I, Gypsy Wing Tong Lee will be crucified if this article makes print. Catch me

next time for more exciting predictions from your favourite guru, namely me, Gypsy Wing

Tong Lee. That's L--E, Austin.


10/13

The continuing story of the lives and loves of the staff of a modern ill-eqjipt high

school: Chuckwood Regional in Chucktown.

Our scene opens with Principal Puff Donnelly storming into the office. He turned to

the secretary and demanded, "Who are you?"

"I'm the secretary." she said expressionlessly.

"Do you have a name?" he asked angrily."I don't know," she said expressionlessly.

"Well tell Mr. Larson and Mr. Maul to get in my office now "

The two appeared in Donnelly's office before you could say, "Send in the clowns."

"What's going on in this school?" shouted Puff. "I can't tell who's who anymore. For

instance, who is teaching gym now, Mr. Seal or Mr. Laird?"

"Both, sir," said Larson,

"Both We can't afford to pay two gym teachers " cried Puff furiously.

"It's okay, sir. Miss Trollops isn't here this semester." said Larson.

"She's not? Who's teaching the girls: Laird or Seal?" asked Puff confused.

"I think they flip a coin every morning," said Larson.

* "Alright then. But who's that vicious looking guy I saw in Mr. Meston Harmony's

room?" demanded Puff.

"That's Mr. Charles Raynor. He's an okay guy, but don't wave anything red in front

of him* He can get a little crazy sometimes."

Just then, Mr. McAardvark burst in.

"What do you want?" growled Larson baring his horseteeth.

"And who's this guy?" asked Puff.

"Ah- I'm Corkey McAardvark. I'm a social studies teacher -ah- I'm involved in the

winter carnival and the yearbook." stumbled Mr. McAardvark. "I'm glad I've -ah- caught

youse together. I don't think this school is being run fairly. The power is

concentrates 'in the hands of a -ah- small group. It's not..."

"Get out or your fired " interrupted Donnelly.

"Cfcay, I'll see youse later, sirs," he said leaving quickly.

"You two get out too," said Puff to his vice-principals. "If there's any

administative stuff, you two take care of it together. Don't bug me for the rest^of the

day " he exclaimed. "I've got principally things to do."

"That'll be difficult, sir," said Mr. Larson.

"What now?" asked Donnelly.

"Mr. Maul refuses to speak to me, sir, because I won't let him do the announcements

anymore."

"Is that true, Jason?" asked Donnelly annoyed.

"Si sefior."

"Well cut*it out. Work with Larson or get out of this school " yelled PUft, viens

bulging.

"Si sefTor."

Meanwhile, In the staffroom...

It walked across through the usual mayhem and smoke of the staff room to sit on a

couch by the corner.

"Hi, Millie" said a teacher, "Hello, Mrs. Canton," said another.

But this was not the widely adored, happy-go-lucky Geometry and Chemistry teacher,

Mrs. Canton. It was something else.

GET READY NEXT ISSUE: INVASION OF THE TEAOHER-SNATCHERS

But until then,,.

Will Puff Donnelly learn the names of his staff members?

Will Mr. Larson ever get back on speaking terms with Mr. Maul?

Will Mrs, Canton be able to defeat her evil twin?

Will J.C. MacDonough get some new Jokes???


11/13

Our story begins in of all places, the men's room at the Charlottetown Mall. Here we

find the Siam & Siam Detective Agency run by that dynamic duo Rick and A.J. Siam. Rick,

a 35-year-old black Jew and his 32-year-old Siamese twin brother A. J., who happens to

be Oriental, patiently await their first case.

"When in the hI ate we going to get a case?" Rick screamed. "I'm tired of sitting

here with you. You're boring, you smell, and worst of all, you're not Jewish "

"Don't blame me," A.J. retorted, "I can't help it if our mother was Irish and our

father was Newfish and, by the way, the smell you mentioned: it isn't me."

"On," Rick mumbled. "I'm sorry. It was me. I forgot to wash again this year."

"Like every other year," A.J. remarked. "Why can't you be like me. I shower each

day. Sometimes I think you forget we're connected at the hip."

"Oh, I remember," Rick said defensively. "Ah... Where did you say that was again?"

"Never mind, and DON'T go looking either. I hear someone coming."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Rick whispered excitedly.

"What do you mean, 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?'? We're connected at the

hip, stupid "

Just as Rick was about to say that he hadn't forgotten whatever it was he had

forgotten, the washroom door opened and in walked a rather heavy-set man. His face was

flushed and it appeared that he was running for some time.

"Welcome to the Siam & Siam Detective Agency," A.J. said proudly. "Hi, I'm A.J. and

this is my brother Rick. What seems to be the problem? Murder? Civil dispute? Rape? No,

scratch that, you're too ugly. Well, what seems to be the problem?"

"I NEED TO USE THE TOILET " screamed the man.

"Don't let us stop you," Rick said calmly.

"YOU'RE SITTING ON IT " screamed the desperate man.

"Oh, sorry," muttered Rick and A.J. simultaneously.

After they had moved and the man had come and gone swearing under his breath, a

knock at the coor was heard.

"What was that," Rick muttered.

"A knock," A.J. retorted.

"Who's thece?" Rick asked.

"I don't know "

"What kind of knock knock joke is that?"

A.J. looked at his brother wondering which side of the family Rick was from. "He

must be from mother's side," A.J. thought. "Uncle Yuri once had an absent-minded dog,

or was that his wife? I never could tell the difference."

The knock was repeated and A.J. came to his senses. "Coming," A.J. called while

opening the door. In walked a gorgeous blond in her early twenties.

"Wow " A.J. whispered. "What a knockout. She's nothing like those critters that

scrub our toilet bowl."

"Don't talk of our mother that way " Rick whispered angrily. Mellowing he asked, "I

wonder if she's Jewish?"

A.J. spoke up. "Welcome to the Siam & Siam Detective Agency. I'm A.J. and this is my

Siamese brother Rick. Have a seat."

"No, I'd rather stand," replied the lady (soon not to be a lady if she makes walking

into men's rooms a habit).

"Well, what can we do for you?" A.J. asked.

"I'm Amanda Jones and I suspect my husband to be fooling around with my sister.

Everytime he goes on a trip, she suddenly disapears," the lady said.

"I see," A.J. muttered. "Do you also see the connection, Rick?"

"At the hip, right?" Rick replied.

"Noooo " A.J. yelled. "The case, the case "

"Oh yes, the case," Rick said. "Mrs. Jones, how do you feel about Bar Mitzvahs? I'm

having one tomorrow."

"Never fflind about that," A,J. interjected. "Helping Mrs. Jones with her problem is

more important. By the way, Mrs. Jones, how do you feel about Chinese food?"

"Oh, I don't know," she replied uncomfortably.

"Sorry about that," A.J. said, "Most unprofessional of me, wasn't it? How cb you

feel about Italian food? Hen hen. A little joke to ease the tension - I see it didn't.

What do you want us to do?"

"I want you to get proof that my husband is fooling around with my sister as fast as

possible. I believe they are planning my murder."

"You don't need a detective. You need me for a bodyguard," Rick interjected.


12/13

"what about A.J.?" Mrs. Jones inquired?

"Oh, he can stay at home. We don't need him."

"1 think you do," Mrs. Jones muttered.

"You're right," Rick said. "Who else is ging to get the Chinese food for

half-price?"

"Hold it," A.J. said. "Now, on to matters at hand. Could you give us your address,

Mrs. Jones, and we'll get right on the case?"

Mrs. Jones gave the her address and turned toleave. Suddenly, she turned around.

"What is this going to cost?"

"$25 a day plus expenses. Those include the Chinese food," A.J. replied.

"You guys are cheap," she said. "Do a good job and I'll give you a bonus." With

that she left.

"The gall of her calling us cheap. We weren't the ones who conducted business in a

men's room," Rick said angrily. "Hussy "

"No, we just live here," A.J. remarked sarcasticaly and then mellowed. "I wonder

what our bonus will be?"

"Sounds kinky " Rick stated enthusiastically.

Later that evening at the Joneses' residence, Rick and A.J. were attempting to enter

the house and get some candid photos of Mr. Jones and his sister. Rick was picking the

lock.

"Hurry up, will you, before we get c3Ught?H A.J. whispered impatiently.

"Oh, I can't do it " Rick said giving up. "You try it."

A.J. grasped the knob. It turned easily. "It was open you fool " he whispered

hoarsely. "Come on "

The Siamese twin duo hobbled into the house which was unusually dark for that time

of night.

"I should have brought a flashlight," A.J. muttered remorsefully. "I can't see a

thing."

"I forgot the flashbulbs for the camera so don't worry about it," Rick said. "Turn

on a light."

A.J. looked at his brother and then to the sky. "Please God, give me strength "

"Turn on a light stupid." Rick said again.

"No, stupid they'll see us."

"They're too busy."

Sjddenly a light turned on.

"I guess they're not so busy after all," Rick saia.

"Shut Up and hide " A.J. ordered.

In the excitement, the tw headed in opposite directions causing extreme pain and

resulting in their falling in a heap on the floor.

"Who in hI you?" a voice demanded.

"The A-TEAM " Rick cried as he and A.J. stuggled to their feet.

A.J. looked at Rick mystified.

"I always wanted to do that," Rick mumbled returning the glance. Then they turned

their attention to the speaker, a massive man in his early forties, who just happenned

to be carrying a .44 magnum,

"Raise your hands " barked the man. "Oh second thought, don't. I can't stand the

smell." he headed towards them, gun pointed at their chests. "Now, who are you?"

"We're building inspectors and we've come to check your pipes," A.J. said calmly.

"Now if you'll show us to your bathroom."

"Hold it " the man yelled. "Your that two-brained idiot detective that my wife hired

to find proof that I was cheating on her with her sister."

"How did you know?" rick asked.

"Shut up you fool " A.J. muttered.

"I followed her, that's how." answered Mr. Jones.

"Oh, that's sick " Rick said. "You followed your Wife into a men's room. That is

really sick "

"Shut up, fool " A.J. screamed again in his best Mr. T voice, "We're in enough

trouble already."

"Oh, I don't mind," Mr. Jones said maliciously. "You'll never live to tell anyone

about It."

Rick and A.J. exchanged meaningful glances,

Will Mr. Jones kill Rick and A.J,? (If he does it will screw the sequel.

Will Rick and A.J. escape? (If they do, the world will never be the same

And most importantly, Will Rick make it to his Bar Mitzvah???


13/13

E d i t o r - i n - c h i e f S U b y G u p t a

A s s o c i a t e e d i t o r J a m e s C o n n o l l y

S t a f f c o n t r i b u t o r s S u s a n A r b i n g

Stephen "Clowd" Clow

James Connolly

Sebastian Derry

Wendy MacLean

Elizabeth McNally

Danny Mullen

David Palmer

S t a f f a d v i s o r J . B . M a c D o n a l d

T7a^? 4&cZ7n& o Lag- 4S-toir"5>

This is the story about four people named Somebody, Everybody,

Anybody, and Nobody, There was an important job to be done. Everybody was

sure that somebody would do i t . Anybody could have done i t , but Nobody

did i t , Somebody got angry about that because i t was Everybody 's job.

Everybody though t tha t anybody cou ld do I t , bu t Nobody rea l ized tha t

Everybody wouldn' t do i t . I t ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, and

Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

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charlottetown rural high school crhs “reader’s digress” october 1984

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