charlottetown rural high school crhs “readers’ di-jest” december 1984

8/21/2019 Charlottetown Rural High School CRHS Readers Di-Jest December 1984

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Miracles promised

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* W H A T ' S I N S I D E . . . *

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* W h o ' s R e s p o n s i b l e 2 *

* A D i s c l a i m e r [ [ 2 *

* A Quiz and then some.... 2 *

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* NEW From the C-TEAM's Man: *

* S i c k S a m , P . I [ 3 *

* S . W . A . T . - } *

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* T r o u b l e 4 *

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THE

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Spy's Eye-.Espionage

Buff Donnelly

Journal

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Thomas Dolby1a The Plat

Earth, reviewed along with

Platinum Blondes

Standing in the Dark.

Best of alioo.NO SPOHTS

unless you ask for them.

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DISCLAIMER: This paper is not connected in any se.:se with Header's

Digress, except in a satirical one at best. Any articles herin

were edited, even censored, by the people who wrote them. This

means that:

Any views or matters expressed in this,or any,issue of Headers1

EL-jest are not neccessarily those of its staff and/or sponsors..

All articles herein,or the paper as a whole,are for satirical

purposes only,and are not to be construed or imDlied as factual.

Any characters created by our writers,and/or any resemblance to

any living or dead individual,or group,is none of our concern.We

will not be held liable for anything,including misappropriation

of funds,unauthorized publication,continuation of publication,or

incorrect statements made about well-known individualsa

All rights reserved,1984 by Readers* Di-jest

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ^

Readers1 .Di-jest.o.Charlottetown Ruralfs other newspaper:

C h i e f N o n - E d i t o r D a n n y M u l l e n

A s s i s t a n t E d i t o r J i m L a i

Director of Special Effects....Jim Lai "*

Director of Promotion...... H...Danny Mullen

B u s i n e s s M a n a g e r . J a m e s C o n n o l l y

S t a f f P h o t o g r a p h e r o R i c k y B r a z e l , Y e a r b o o k C o m m i t t e e

S t a f f W r i t e r s J i m L a i

Danny Mullen

Martin Pobes,a quoted person

"Buff" Whatshisface

also use of The Globe and Mail

Staffers1 Scapegoat from a

t i m e t h a t w a s 0 . S h o n e B l a y n e

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ^ * * * - K * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 4 < . 4 f * ^ * ^ * *

Special thanks goes to the guys in Ward 112,Y/ing 3 of the Sleepy

Rural Correctional Facility for their help in my escape,, I am now

at large, once again.

- Someone Else

QUIZ: If Ms Black works at store A for X dollars, and Mr. 3rown

works at store B for 30fo more, while Mrs. Green works in store

C for 50$ of what Black and Brown together make. If I/ass

Gold at store D is paid 4/15 of X more than 5/6 of what Mrse

Green earns,who is the highest paid? You may take a while.

Here*s some something:V/e, the rebels who have founded this o den

ization, would like to thank Radio Shack at 96 Queen St. for ~

permitting our extensive use of their computer facilities. Thev

happen to have advertized in this paper, so...


3/10

R e a d e r s ' s D i - j e s t 3

S i c k S a m : G u e s s W h o D i d n ' t W a n t H i m b y H a r r y Z g w a r t z / A r m c h a i r S g t

Sam gripped the Usi submachine gun tightly.He made a quick run across the

street.Three streetgang members ran up to him.

"No punks are gona stop me "he said as he made them dance,forcing them away

with his bul lets. "Goo d riddance 'You guys can't eve n breakda nce "

The enterance appeared in front of him.He ran down the stairs as people bega

screaming.He pushed his way through the crowd,jumping the turnstile.

"At last ,"he panted ,"I made it to the subwa y without getti ng mugge d "

So began another day in the life of "Sick" Sam Smith,private eye and psychop

(heck,no one 's per fec t ) .

He sat in his office,shooting his .45 pistol at the dartboard on the wal l .

Somebody in the next room screamed.He stopped firing.Then,this blonde walked

the door ,c lu tch ing her le f t wr is t .

"You winged me,"she said.

"Sorry,"Sam muttered as he opened a drawer and threw a compressed bandage at

her."Use it.Now whaddaya want?"

"How often does this happen?"

"Oh, 'bout every two hours."

"You're just the man for the job."

"Good.Good.Uh...what's the job?"

"Rescue my boyfriend from the Mafia."

"Good.Good.I love shooting those gons.I got an old enemy,Pepsi Areola.We qot

score to set t le . I ' l l charge $10,000 plus expenses."

"Expenses?"

"Ammunition.Lessee now...50 rounds per box at $5 a box...I'd say at least a

thousand.Dol la rs ,not rounds. "

"You're thorough."

"Yeah,"Sam chuckled.

"You're rea l ly s ic k "she sai d wi th d isg ust .

" T h a n k s " h e g l e e f u l l y s m i l e d . T o b e c o n t i n u e d . . .

(P.S.,Beware the Armchair Commandos )

S.W.A.T. (Schoolroom Weapons And Tactics) by John Fnudding,Armchair Gen.,Ret

In th is fi rs t ins ta l lment , I wi l l beg in my long-awai ted d iscuss ion "Surv iva l

the Cla ssroo m" (Che mist ry 511, th is is i t ) .

Some cruel, twisted,demoral iz ing tact ics used by teachers are:

1) Surpr ise tes t

2) Enough tests and quizzes to make you dizzy

3) Pi les of notes to fi l l above tests

4) Ramble on about some pointless topic

5) Do nothing at all

These time-tested tactics are hard to beat.Number one is almost foolproof.If

othing works,start screaming in the hal lways about how unfair the teacheris

or number two,complain that you weren't given any previous warning or show

(mock) concern for the teacher,as he will have to mark all those tests.To comb

umber three,get a portable computer and type al your notes,or photograph them

hat will get the message across.If the teacher rambles on,as in number four,

oin in.The guy (or gal) obviously needs the psychological therapy.In number

ve,do nothing - the si lence wil l dr ive him crazy

Next t ime around,I wil l discuss more weaponry and tactics.Rember,it 's a jung

t t h e r e _ J o h n n B i g B a n g n p n u d i n g .

When considering a place to go on vacation this March Break,take a look at wa


4/10

Readers' Di-jest is great

l*****************************^

*l** l t l**** TROUBLE ***********

No more Mr. Nice Guy -There

are rumors abounding over the

possible truce between the lit

erary genius who writes "His

Word - Trouble", and that other

Person who schluffs out "Her

other newspaper, "The Reader's

Dlgress: wm that she (from "Her

W"d~ Trouble" was having

ne0USHE.s0finher -"^hangin9, 3,

tS-f??Bh:ris0?^ln"n to he,s

some

ng all

On the more serious side, you

may have noticed that Gee? this

is not "Reader-s Digress" but

in fact, the other - and lesser

ft? a s tueras*r r

ho have to plagerize to'g^t

tedntod,ete-3USt "0t that talen-

,rn7F t? ln on such a daring

init iat ive as "Readers' Di- ief t"

skew -rawr-i''.

pical of her indecisive kind.

toBh^ 5 business, I would like

Carnival 'fv 9irlS at the ^nt-rnival s Varietv show whn fli

so latt.c.d by my p^ound^ss

alter d prese'nta ion^ 9aVe *"

a r t i c l e " a : o n o f y f i r s t

D igre l " ' "h "6 " "Reader 's

^ d / ^ h i r i a - r I s ^ T ^

tne various articles. This can

pe best seen in the fact that I

nave my page in columns, as do

u*2y f . the ther l i ters "ho

ad their material typed for

them. At the same time, however,

some pages are printed in the

Reader's Digress' fashion of a

line right across the page The

people who have done this will

change their style for the next

issue, or else

Once I have stopped going off

on wayward tangents, as do many

of my teachers, I can again get

down to the business of quite

neatly insulting a multitude of

People, and geting away with it-

After all is said and done, one'

can only say that most females,

for instance, are dizzy l i t t le

busybodies who, having no re

^n?S 2f.uheir OWn' 9et the guys

o lead them in life. Don't Iven

beleive for a moment that girls

have a chance to "climb up" in

the world, unless of cour'se they

get masculine assistance.(You

know what I mean ). One should

shudder at the thought.

Maybe my bias towards women is

affecting my credibility amongst

SCaa^; but unassuming, kidst Charlotetown Rural. Some of

the less br i l l iant ind iv iduals

that r S?h^ haVe determinedhat I, of all people, have an

alter ego which is kind to the

tairer gender Talk about a case

of mistaken identity Wouldn't

you know it though/these few

but determined females are just

nopmg that I will soften my

views so that they will be able

bian?La ChanCe to make ^eir

igoted views known to the rest

of this impressionable instifute

of learning. I feel that it is

my duty to provide a literary

oasing for the meek and ill at

ease of C.R.H.S.

Next Time; Unemployment and UB40


5/10

Readers' Di-jest

The Spy's Eye:Espionage Notes

Stolen From Desks - and others

by Joe Znutar, Armchair Lt,Ret.

General Intel:

H.-There is a VCR in the library

used for blackmail - studying

^ ^ i0 r f subhumans - make

hat students.

#2: Buff Donnoly is a sleeper,

l i t e r a l l y . '

#3: An agent can be contacted at

locker 007.

#4: HAL lives in locker 2001

#5: Ghosts do not inhabit locker

numbers 13 through 666.

#6: The cafeteria is the site of

chemical and biological warfare

tests.

#7: A mysterious plague has very

recently struck the Rural

o: I t & #7 are not elated.Hah

19: The Reds have infiltrated

the Rural.(The Redmen?)

#10 Why couldn't the Blondes

have done it?

ALERT: TO all'operatives I stop

singling out a lone target of

the opposite sex for monitoring.

We're tired of getting the re

sulting photos The Agency isn't

a talent agency

- Lt. Znutar, Ret.

* * * * * * B u f f Donno l l y ' s * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * jou rna l * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Beware the ides of March yes,

today was both the 15th. of the

month of March, and so terrible'

The animals were so very worked

up over the fast approaching

March Break.

over^h^ n2 ne haS hit an*one

oyer the head with a "Ghetto

Blaster" since last Tuesday,

there have ben some outbreaks of

teachers hurling their pocket

radios at Mr. Maul And Mr. (r )

Larsen.You know, iife is sure

funny at Charlesstown Severely

t s

Run-down High, but there's al

ways lots of the good ol CSRH

team spirit. Too bad most of it

is in the hallways.

Well anyway, I did have a few

laughs today; like when Mr.

Burly lost his daushsund iii the

Teachers' Lounge, and the dog

bit Willy Flower. The dog might

even live. Then, Mr. Maul went

and challenged the entire hockey

team to a tag-team Wrestling

match He and Cresmond Gonna-Lee

really cleaned up. Speakina of

tha t , in the ca fe ter ia . . .B i l l

Handler mistook a student for

some garbage and shoved him into

a garbage compacter.

That was almost as funny as

the look on Mr. Larsen's face

when he went to his chemistry

class this morning. His studen

Krazy-glued their desks to the

ceiling Hah But Mr. Larsen was

quick to recover, forcing the

hapless students to sit in the

d^sks. Boy, you should*have seen

the look on their faces Talk

geting the blood flowing to your

head, that was funny

But seriously, it wasn't all

fun and games today. I had to

cope with Mrs. Canton's stories

all morning long If she was a

a student, I'd get Miss Chillus

to shoot her Then Mr. Jambe-Bo-

mme took to arms today and shot

two of his worst troublemakers.

That now makes fourten teachers

for guns, twelve against, and

nineteen indifferent. Arms Talks

are now going on with that silly

Students' Council. We get all of

the names of people writing for

Reader's Di-jest and they get a

few semi-automatic pistols to

help even the odds.

All told, this has been a dull

sort of day, but things are look

ing up for the March Break -I'll

be on vacation.


6/10

Readers ' Di - jes t is incred ib le

** A FAMOUS PERSON SPEAKS OUT **

"Urn...well, I was working at

the store one day. A lady came

in. It was a hardware store. She

asked for a screen door; so, I

gave her a screen door. It did

not real ly seem right."

- Schwan Blame, former editor

of a defunct bird book.

A f te r tha t , you ' l l rea l l y need :

>>>>>>>>>> Dear Robin


7/10

Readers' Di-jest dares to say

******* THE CRITICS, pAGE *ieieieieie

Standinq in The .Dark **********

Who hasnt heard "Doesn't Reallv

Matter"?(For example, my botch^

ed attempt at the Winter Carniv

al.) The song is the best of the

top ten Coming complete with

lyrics this album hints of syn-

chronicity - The Police), this

haiTJS,-20,\?0r those who are

" n n f c n ^ n l n ^ i n g * T h e t h e m e t o

i -h -e2n^,?ea l ly ^ t te r " is o f

N^r th^n11^7 ,^ the An t ing in

-qtpnH X5eland. other songs,

p niJ9 in The Dark", -Take itrom Me", and "Not in Love", are

outcries of personal anguish.

^ f " "6 t r a ck t a l ks o f a n

1?e^^Yt.fc-COinmunicate amotion

"Not 9 r inev i tab le conf l ic t .

ot in Love" is about a girl

th S ng n the lead dinger. The

hemes are sad and .depressing,

songs - the will to survive

lifts the songs in the form of

Thona^w c*?ruses *nd refrains.

p the three man group is a

olice derivative, they are or

iginal enough, i rate this album

f '? on ^ scale of l to 10

What else?).

N.B.: This reviewer will re

view Heavy Metal in the future

e j^ in 'p l f /1?8 the 0 fcher ^v iew

poo S. ad6r S Digress) stopped

OOLIN' himself and cover the

musical spectrum without bias

Long live Rock and Roll .

(In Deep )

Back Seat At The Movies *******

"Blame It On Rio " was indeed

u s over, all one can remember

is the fact that fewer and fewer

clothes are worn as the story

drags on. This walking loser is

6.0 on the R.A.W. scale.

The R.A.W. Scale Explained **

*

The R.A.W. scale is an unique

system of rating movies. Each of

the letters is roughly analogous

a certain numbered level:

R", or Rotten, is 0 to 4 9

thus making up half of all'movie

productions, which ARE rotten'

A , or Awful, is 5 to 7.8 ,

because I hate to see an great

movie that could have made it at

7;9wOn "The Scale".

"W", or Wonderful, is 7 9 - 9 9

There is no 10, mainly because'

of two things: I include zero in

my scale, and there never can be

a totally perfect movie.

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THE FLAT EARTH *** Thomas Dolby

Capitol St 12309

For such a irritating prson

as Thomas Dolby, with an equally

irritat ing track as "Hyperact

ive , he can really overcome my

first impressions of his really

progessive Rock. His exciting

video to cover the album makes

use of a multitude of special

effects and those irritating-

effects Dolby does to his voice

through the use of his several

synthesizers and tone generators

se

The cover track, "1 scare My-

Lf is-obviously based in Jaz-

Peter Thorn, a trombonist whose

efforts appear on two of "Flat

E a r t h " ' s c u t s . a t

th^HH11' X Vuld have to say

hat this, Dolby's second album,

will be an enormous success.


8/10

8

Readers ' Di- jest is provocat ive.

******* c.S.R.H. NO ROOM *******

As we rejoin our story, we see

"Four-Hands" Davis has just won

the "Gee, He's The Most Beauti

ful Thing I've Seen In My Life"

award from the Students' Council

"Uh, thanks, I th ink . I rea l ly

appreciate this honour that you,

uh, dumped, er, have given me. I

would like to thank the people

who are responsible for getting

me to where I am today. My bus

driver, that cute blonde who

picked me up in her Fuego, the

old guy who drives the green and

white taxi past my house..."

From here we go to the destit

ute CSRH Radio Room, where Doug

Crossta lk is t ry ing to s tar t the

record p layer.

"I wonder what this switch with

that wire wil do?" thought Doug

as 10,000 volts began to surge

through his body."EAGHHHHH "

A hundred watts of pure noise

runs across the way to cafeteria

where this outpouring is so loud

that most of the students can't

hear themselves think - the rest

gave up long ago.

Here, Bil l ie Bower has just

finished his Shakey-Suds Orange

Juice In-A-Toothpaste Tube as

his old rival Marvin Voom gently

tips his homemade yogurt over

Bower's Head. Bower turns redder

than the yogurt and picks up a

half-eaten boi led egg.

Simultaneously, 350 CSRH stud

ents yell,"FOOD FIGHT " and in

stantaneously dive for the safe

ty of the floor. Pop and pieces

of sandwiches fly everywhere as

supporters of both sides of the

battle become embroil led.

It was then that Buff Donnolly

cherished principal of the CSRH

that is , s t rode in to the cafe ter

ia to get his usual, a Pac-Man

ice cream novelty. His patent

leather r iding boots and white

pith helmet were soon stained by

the vegetable matter that had

been missed by his all-watchful

s e l f .

F ina l l y , a f te r Mr . Bur l y ' s re

lease of his dauchsund into the

area, the fight began to ebb a

little, and was soon over by the

time that the dog devoured half

of a grade ten class. Miss

Chillus came in and mopped up

with her pocket-sized machinegun

and several tear gas grenades.

Of the cas

the seventee

mortally wou

t h i r t y - f o u r

minor abras

ser ious s ta i

the most af

to order to

helmet.

u a l t i e s , o

n grade te

nded. the

in number

ions and s

ns. Mr. Do

fected, be

Zimbobwae

nly the

n's were

rest, some

, only had

ome very

nnolly was

ing forced

for a new

In a rapid departure from what

had gone on previously, "Four-

Hands" decided to attempt to

speak with some sense of intell

igence, ".. .and in closing, I wou

Id like to thank Nancy Patterson

for doing all of those newspap

er commercials."

What he had said previously,

if it were in any way connected

with what he was speaking about,

almost sounded sincere. All the

time he was actually thinking of

his dream-girl, Nena, who does

the "Ninety-Nine Red Balloons"

v ideo.

Wil l Four-Hands stop talking?

Will Mr. Burly curb his dog?

Will Shakey Suds catch on?

Will yogurt shampoo catch on?

Will Mr. Donnolly get a helmet?

Will there ever be a girl here?

Wi l l t h i s sa t i re con t inue?


9/10

Shutdown follows protracted contract talks

Reader's

eaded SUSpends publication indefinitely

>}c\re$$> he)


10/10

S/?U $ 120 DA; OfAP Ei'^T CAK 7XCK i":j f>ra6/mA/^

U>IM -Jtxeo 374T/0MC. DolB-y fOO/S tebuc.T/OA) 3:

o IAJ47-

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charlottetown rural high school crhs “readers’ di-jest” december 1984

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