conflict resolution trackv...for additional information about biblical peacemaking, visit . 14 3....

Conflict Resolution

TrackV.6

Biblical Counseling Workshops

Conflict Resolution V.6

Much of the content of this presentation is taken from:

The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide for Resolving Personal Conflict

by Ken Sande

Content is being used with the permission of:

2

© Peacemaker Ministries. Used with

permission. For additional information

about biblical peacemaking, visit

www.Peacemaker.net

3

Problem

4

Two Triangle Diagram (the “iceberg” of conflict)

Key: heart change is needed (Eph. 4:17-24)

Rom.

14:17-19

Righteous

Created after the

likeness of God

James

4:1-2

Sinful

Corrupted by

deceitful desires

New Man: “God Worship” Old Man: “Self-Worship”

Peace Problems

(Conflict)

Relationship Skills &

Character Traits

Heart

(Desires)

5

Relationship Skills in Conflict

(or Peace)

1. Communication (Eph. 4:25-29; Col. 4:6)

2. Conflict resolution (Col. 3:8-15)

3. Spiritual worship (Eph. 4:2-7; 5:17-21; Col. 3:15-17)

4. Understanding roles (Eph. 6:1-9; Col. 3:18-25)

5. Spending time together (Eph. 5:15-19; Col. 4:5)

6. Honoring & serving one another (Eph. 4:2-3,

15-16; 5:21; Col. 3:18-25)

(Note: the absence of the skills increases conflict)

6

Relationship Character Traits in

Conflict (or Peace)

1. Compassion (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:12)

2. Kindness (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:12)

3. Humility (Eph. 4:2; Col. 3:12)

4. Gentleness (Eph. 4:2; Col. 3:12)

5. Patience (Eph. 4:2-3; Col. 3:12)

6. Bearing with one another (Eph. 4:31; Col. 3:13)

7. Forgiveness (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13)

8. Love (Eph. 5:1-2; Col. 3:14)

(Note: the opposite of these traits increases conflict)

Self-Worshippers vs.

God-Worshippers

1. “Self-worshippers”: become agitated (frustrated) and

antagonistic (fighting and quarreling) when confronted with

God’s will in their life. They are opposed to any will or

worship but their own.1

-Scriptural illustration: Herod (Matt. 2:1-8, 16)

2. How do believers grieve (sorrow) God?

-when they exhibit the opposite type of relationship skills

and character traits (Eph. 4:29-31)

-all which create relational conflict

3. What is the antidote to conflict and self-worship?

Eph. 5:1-2 7

1Daniel Bennett

Self-Worshippers are Idolaters

4. What is an idolater (self-worshipper)?

Key traits: selfish desires, ingratitude (greed & covetousness),

destructive speech Eph. 5:3-5

5. What distinguishes believers from unbelievers in God’s eyes?

Eph. 5:5-11 James 4:1-4

-“children of light” living to please God (believers)

-“sons of disobedience” who live for themselves (darkness)

and make themselves the enemy of God (wrath)

-conflict (a life characterized by quarrels and fights)

-Matt. 18:17 principle: “treat him as an unbeliever” (prolonged

conflict)

8

9

Conflict: What is it?

What is it?

Conflict: a difference in opinion or purpose (values) that

frustrates a person’s goals and desires (James 4:1-3)

Where does conflict come from?

What causes conflict?

1. Misunderstandings

2. Differences in values or goals

3. Competition over resources

4. Evil desires (heart idols)

© Peacemaker Ministries. Used with permission. For additional information about biblical peacemaking, visit www.Peacemaker.net.

10

At what levels does conflict (or peace) exist?

1. with God (Rom. 5:1-2, 8-10; James 4:4)

2. with yourself (1 John 3:19-24)

3. with others (Matt. 5:21-22; Eph. 2:11-18)


Conflict: What is it?

How Does God Work in Conflict?

1. Why does God allow trials (problems) in our life?

2. What are the two ways God gives to get out of a

problem?

3. What three opportunities are present in every

conflict?

Principle: “Trusting God enables us to see conflicts not as accidents, but

as opportunities.”

Principle: “God doesn’t tell us all we want to know; He tells us all we need

to know.”

Principle: “Your view of God affects your trust in God. In conflict you

must decide whether or not you will trust God.” 11


12

“The Slippery slope of Conflict”


Three Conflict Responses

1. Escape Responses

-focus on self -lack of communication

-“peace-fakers” -avoidance, denial, & excusing

-bring only temporary relief -worsen the problem by postponing

2. Attack Responses

-focus on others (wrongly) -public fighting

-“peace-breakers” -critical spirit

-damage relationships and witness -desire to win and be in control

-blame, intimidate, anger, verbal assault, gossip, slander, violence, hatred

13


14

3. Peacemaking Responses -focus on God

-goal is to restore relationships & people

-personally & privately between people

-overlook, confront graciously

Three Conflict Responses

© Peacemaker Ministries. Used with permission. For additional information about biblical peacemaking, visit www.Peacemaker.net

Peacemakers: Who Are They?

“Peacemakers” are people who breathe grace:

Matt. 5:9 James 3:13-18 (context of James 4)

“Biblical peacemaking” turns conflicts (frustration) into

opportunities:

(1)To glorify God:

Matt. 5:14-16; 1 Cor. 10:31; 1 Pet. 2:11-12

a)trust God b)obey God

c)imitate God d)show God

15


Peace Makers: Who Are They?

16

(2)Serve others:

Luke 6:27-38; 1 Cor. 10:31-11:1; Gal. 6:1-2

a)encouragement

b)carry their burdens

c)expose sin at the root

(3)Grow in Christlikeness:

Rom. 8:28-29; James 1:2-4

a)repentance & change

b)patience & perseverance

c)depend upon God


ABC’s of Spiritual Growth

17


The Four G’s of

Biblical Peacemaking

1. “Glorify God” (1 Cor. 10:31)

Eph. 5:1-2 Phil. 4:2-9 Ps. 37:1-9

Col. 3:1-4 Rom. 12:17-21

a)Focusing on God is the key to resolving conflict

constructively

18


The Four G’s of Biblical

Peacemaking

b) “Stewardship Principle”: a steward doesn’t manage

things for himself, but rather for his Master (1 Cor. 4:1-2)

-motivation (focus on God, not self)

-strength (God’s power, not my own)

-dependence (trust God, not self)

-response (God’s way, not my way)

c)Satan is the enemy of peace and the promoter of

conflict

Chief Justice Warren Burger: “The courts have been expected to fill the

void created by the decline of the church, family, and neighborhood.”

© Peacemaker Ministries. Used with permission. For additional information about biblical peacemaking, visit www.Peacemaker.net

19

The Four G’s of


2. “Get the Log out of Your Own Eye” (Matt. 7:1-5)

Matt. 7:1-5 1 John 1:8-9 Prov. 28:13

Col. 3:5-14 Luke 19:8 James 4:1-4

b) Take responsibility for my contribution to the problem

(1) define the issue (Gen. 3)

(2) check your attitude (Phil. 4:2-9)

(3) overlook minor offenses (1 Pet. 4:8)

(4) count the cost (Matt. 5:23-26)

(5) my responsibility, not my rights

c) Repentance and Confession

20


The Four G’s of

Biblical Peacemaking 2. “Get the Log out of Your Own Eye” (Matt. 7:1-5)

a)Questions to ask:

-Is this worth fighting over?

-In what ways did I sin in this matter?

-What “rights” am I worshipping?

-How have I attempted to avoid my responsibility?

b) “The Golden Rule” (Matt. 7:12)

c) “The Golden Result”

Justice Antonia Scalia: “We are too quick to seek vindication or

vengeance through adversarial proceedings rather

than peace through mediation. Christians, as they

should be slow to anger, should be slow to sue.”

21


The Four G’s of


3. “Gently Restore” (Matt. 18:15-17):

“go and show your brother his fault”

Gal. 6:1-2 James 5:9

Eph. 4:29 2 Tim. 2:24-26

1 Cor. 6:1-8

a)Conflict creates opportunities to serve others:

-people are weighed down with problems

-people need encouragement and help carrying their burdens

-people need help to see their wrongs and in their need for change

b) Motivation in confrontation is “shepherd love”

22


The Four G’s of


3. “Gently Restore” (Gal. 6:1-2)

d)Principles in Restoration

-after the log is out of your own eye

-face to face

-private and personal

-go discerningly

-go repeatedly (if needed)

e) When do I go?

-if someone has something against you (Matt. 5:23-24)

-if the sin is too serious to overlook (Luke 17:3)

23


The Four G’s of


3. “Gently Restore” (Gal. 6:1-2)

f)How should I go?

-be quick to listen (James 1:19)

-bring hope through the gospel (John 4:7-42)

-speak the truth in love (Prov. 15:1-4; Eph. 4:15-16)

-the tongue of the wise brings healing (Prov. 12:18)

24


Matthew 18 Blueprint for Conflict

Resolution

1. Context of Matthew 18

a) humility (18:1-5)

b) selflessness (18:6-10)

c) Shepherd love (18:11-14): parable of lost sheep

d) Confrontation and restoration (18:15-17): sin

e) Authority and accountability (18:18-20): the church

f) Forgiveness (18:21-35): parable of unmerciful servant

25


Matthew 18 Blueprint for

Conflict Resolution 2. Principles of Matthew 18

a) prolonged, unresolved conflict involves sin (Matt. 5:21-24)

b) keep the circle of people involved in conflict as small as possible for

as long as possible (18:15-17)

c) “face to face” is the best way in most cases

d) if you are not able to resolve conflict in private, ask a few godly

people to assist in reconciliation

e) the church’s priority is to mend broken relationships (Gal. 6:1-2) and

broken worship (Matt. 5:23-24)

f) God views accountability and discipline as an act of love and a

means to restoring his lost sheep (18:15-17)

26



Resolution 3. Five Steps in Reconciliation and Restoration

(1)overlook minor offenses (Prov. 19:11; 1 Peter 3:8-12;

Luke 17:3-4)

four questions to ask

(2)talk in private (1 Peter 3:8-12)

(3)take one or two with you

(4)tell it to the church

(5)treat him as a non-believer (don’t pretend everything is alright)

a)it protects the Lord’s name from dishonor

b)it protects other believers from being led astray

c)it helps the rebellious person to see their sin and repent

27



Resolution

4. Goal: Restoration and Reconciliation

Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “Nothing is so cruel as the tenderness

that consigns another to sin.”

28


The Four G’s of


4. “Go and Be Reconciled” (Matt. 5:24)

Matt. 6:12 Matt. 18:21-35 Matt. 7:12

Phil. 2:3-4 Rom. 12:18

John 13:34-35 1 Pet. 2:19, 4:19

a)What is not forgiveness?

b)What is forgiveness?

-conscious choice (decision)

-an act of the will

-release of a debt owed

-costly

29


“Unforgiveness is the

poison we drink

hoping others will die

from it.”

The Four G’s of

Biblical Peacemaking 4. “Go and Be Reconciled” (Matt. 5:24)

c)How should you forgive?

-Eph. 4:32 -Two stages of forgiveness

d)What does forgiveness look like?

-Four promises

e)Can you ever mention the sin again?

-Principle -Reason

f)What about the consequences of sin?

-Principle (Key) -Reason

g)Is restitution incompatible with forgiveness? Is it required?

h)Summary principle for forgiveness and reconciliation:

-“Replacement Principle” 30


“PAUSE” Acronym (Five Principles in Resolving Conflict)

(before you go)

(relationships)

(interests)

(for creative solutions)

(objectively all options)

31


Spiritual Weapons in the War of

Conflict • Military Principle: “the best defense is an effective offense.”

• What are we fighting for? (2 Tim. 4:7-8)

• What are we fighting against?

-2 Cor. 10:3-5 -Eph. 6:10-18

• With what weapons do we fight with?

• How do we fight in conflict? (Romans 12:14-21)

1)Control your tongue (12:14)

2)Seek godly counsel (12:15-16)

3)Keep doing what is right (12:17)

4)Recognize your limits (12:18-19)

5)Love: the ultimate weapon (12:20-21) 32


Picturing the Heart of Conflict

33

Offensive

Weapons

“What Causes Quarrels and Conflicts?” James 4:1


Biblical Conflict Resolution

• Summary

• Questions

• Resources

34


• Summarize this session

• Continue working through booklet “Biblical

Directives for God-honoring Relationships

• The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide for Resolving

Personal Conflict by Ken Sande

• War of Words by Paul Tripp

• Communication and Conflict Resolution (excerpt from

Exemplary Husband) by Stuart Scott

• Conference Table, Kent Kloter

• Biblical Sexuality, Ben Davidson

• Guilt & Repentance in Personal Relationships Part 1,

Kent Kloter

February 13, 2012

Presented by Neil Gerber

[email protected]

Biblical Counseling Workshops

conflict resolution trackv...for additional information about biblical peacemaking, visit . 14 3....

Documents