developing positive assertiveness jamie johnson [email protected] @jamesarthurjohn
TRANSCRIPT
• Intro – Who am I?
• Who are you?
• Why are you here? (Or better phrased, “What brings you here?” * What makes this “better phrased”?)
• What is assertiveness?
PART 1
What assertiveness is NOT:• Aggressive
• Passive
• Passive-Aggressive
*Remember: Fight-Flight-Right and we want to do what is Right!
Aggressiveness may involve…• Fight• Disrespecting others’ rights to retain your own rights.
Winning at all costs.• Communicating sarcastically.• Attacking the person instead of focusing on the behavior or
problem-solving.• Violating boundaries.• Attempting to control others.• [Example video]• Are there times to be aggressive?
Passiveness may involve…• Flight• Possibly respecting others’ rights while ignoring your own
rights.• Not communicating directly when the situation warrants it.• Allowing others to “walk on” or control you.• Allowing your boundaries to be violated.• Indecisiveness.• [Example video]• Are there times to be passive?
Passive-Aggressiveness
may involve…• Fight-Flight pattern.• Either respecting ONLY your rights OR other’s rights.• Not addressing the problem or behavior.• Talking about people behind their back/Gossip• Fluctuating between violating others’ boundaries or
having your boundaries violated. • [Example video]
What is assertiveness?• Right.
• Respecting others’ rights as well as your own rights.
• Communicating effectively, directly, and with confidence.
• Dealing with conflict effectively and calmly.
• Handling and receiving feedback effectively.
• Setting boundaries.
• Focus is on behavior and problem-solving instead of attacking/ignoring the person.
Are the above assertive? Discuss why or why not.
Communication Styles
And Now…
No Pressure! (I want to respect your boundaries)
Although most situations warrant assertive behavior….
• Most of us are not assertive.
• Even those who are trained are not assertive all the time.
• What’s your default?
Basic Techniques• When you…I feel…I would like
• iStatements
• Broken record
• Acknowledgement, validation, gratitude
• Be proactive.
Most of these are external.
When you…I feel…I would like:
• When you (describe the person’s behavior)
• I feel (state your emotion)
• I would like (state alternative behavior)
• Cautions….
Let’s role play
iStatements• An example is, “I feel…” or “I would like…”• Prevents using “You…” which may lead to attacking
the other person.• Restate: “You are so egotistical and full of yourself and
your own ideas!” to “I would like you to consider this idea.”
• iStatements exercise: Restate the following as iStatements.
Let’s role play
Broken Record• Or what I may call “skipping CD” • The telemarketer calls during supper.• “No.”• Repeat after me: “No.”• This can be effective with guilt trips and
“games” people may play to violate boundaries.
Let’s role play
Acknowledgement, Validation, Gratitude• Receiving a compliment or feedback is an assertive act.
• Validate that someone has spoken, even if using minimal responses as demonstrated in active listening skills.
• As you focus on behaviors, facts, and the problem to be solved, make sure to validate the other person’s feelings: “I know it was a hard day…”
• Thank you (for feedback…positive or negative) – a life of gratitude
Let’s role play
Be Proactive• Take action.• You can choose.• Being reactive and defensive can result in blame:
Blaming others (aggression)
Blaming self (passivity)
• Take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes, this may mean admitting you were wrong.
• Forgiveness – surrendering the perceived right to take revenge on another. Choosing not to take revenge. It does not necessarily mean forgetting (Fred DiBlasio).
• “Dog Poop Initiative” – Kirk Weisler
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Where can assertiveness play a role in this?
Advanced Techniques:• Boundaries and expectations• De-triangulation• Conflict Resolution: Focus on behavior, problem when in conflict.• Consider issues around your own goals and how they fuel
unhealthy cognitions. • Coping• TRUTH• Addressing faulty cognitions
Many of these are internal.
Boundaries and Expectations:• What is a boundary?
• Doesn’t have to be a wall.
• Fences and Automatic Garage Doors
• Dogs and Fences
• “What do You Expect?” by Jamie Johnson
De-triangulation:• Effective for dealing with gossip, enmeshment, passive-
aggressiveness.
• Gossip about Luke: “I heard that Luke is jealous of Han.”“Have you checked with Luke about this?”
• Complaining about Luke: “Luke’s whining is getting on my nerves! Why don’t you tell him to can it!”
“I think you should talk to Luke about this.”
• Try to connect the two individuals who share the problem or issue.
• Don’t become the “man-in-the-middle.”
Conflict Resolution - Focus on behavior/problem (Conflict may resume despite your best efforts):
• Do not personalize or attack.• Describe behavior you can actually see instead of something that
could have varying definitions to the other person or instead of emotionalizing it and attacking the person directly or indirectly.
• For example: “When you turn around when I am talking…” as opposed to “When you ignore me…”
• Instead of picturing two boxers facing one another, picture the two of you sitting on the same side of the table focused together on the problem on the table.
Goals:
• Desire (“I would like”) vs. Goal (“I need”) – Dr. Larry Crabb
• Remember: You don’t control the person. You can only influence (e.g., when I called my wife who was at the library…)
Problematic Thinking:• Aggressive thinking (anger) can occur when your inappropriate goals are blocked.
• Anxious thinking can occur when your inappropriate goals are uncertain.
• Hopeless/defeated/depressed thinking can occur when your inappropriate goals are deemed unreachable.
• What is your goal? Is it appropriate?
• Do you control everything to make that goal happen?
• If not, then change your goal to a desire, especially if another person is involved. • If you do not get your desire, you can feel disappointment instead of anger.
(Crabb/Morrison)
Problematic Thinking continued: Maybe not as simple as goals in some cases:• Where are you not experiencing peace?• Where is the conflict? Where are you “flapping”? • What’s the source? • Is it coming at you or is it drumming up feelings of a time when it came at you? • Ask yourself what the threat is, if it is really or why it is a threat (perception) and
what you can learn from it.• Are you willing to be vulnerable with someone whom you can trust?
(Randy Weber, PhD)
Problematic Thinking continued:•Anger from aggressive thinking can be a mask for a another emotion such as disappointment, sadness, anxiety, fear, or hurt (and you want to protect yourself). •People can influence us to become angry, but cannot “make” us angry since anger comes from our beliefs. No one can make you aggressive.•Anger is not always a bad thing. There are times to be aggressive. When?•“A moderate amount of anxiety accomplishes much.” This means anxiety is not always a bad thing. When?
Challenge Unhealthy Cognitions:•A – B – C - D
A = Activating Event – What happened?
B = Belief – What are your beliefs behind the emotion?
C = Emotional Consequence – What do you feel?
D = Dispute – Dispute the irrational beliefs.
•What are the conflict, choices, and consequences?
*** What can you change/not change? ***
Coping:•A psychological crisis may exist if one of the following is missing:
A support network
A realistic perception of the event
A history of healthy coping skills (techniques)
•SOURCE: Donna C. Aguilera•What’s the application for assertiveness?
TRUTH model by Jamie Johnson:• Trigger event
• wRong thinking
• Unhealthy responses ruled out
• Truth about the situation
• Healthy response
Irrational Thinking/Faulty Cognitions:
• Focused on the details
• Emotional Reasoning
• Magnification
• Overgeneralization
• Personalization
• Splitting
Focused on the details:• STUCK ON THE DETAILS (selective abstraction)
Focusing on one detail and missing the big picture. Looking at one tree and missing the forest.
• SOLUTION:• What is the big picture?
• What is true considering all things?
Emotional Reasoning:• How I feel is what I think.
• SOLUTION:• Call an emotion what it is and change the thoughts that lead
to it.
=
Magnification:• Making things bigger than what they really are.
• “Making mountains out of molehills.”
• “Majoring in the minors.”
• SOLUTION:• What is the true size???
Overgeneralization:• Believing that one thing that happens is true for all
things.
• SOLUTION:• What is true and realistic?
• Is this a way to try to avoid responsibility and not work for change?
It rained today. I guess it will rain EVERY day.
Personalization:• Taking things personally.
• Thinking everything is meant about you.
• SOLUTION:• Let what someone else says tell about them.
• What do you think? Is it true?
Splitting:• All or None thinking
• Only 2 choices – All or None
• A version of fight or flight
• SOLUTION:• Think of more ideas besides the 2 choices
Applications for this material:• Work
“10 Ways to Work With People You Hate” – Baseline Magazine -http://socialmediamob.blogspot.com/2012/02/10-ways-to-work-with-people-you-hate.html
How To Manage Conflict At Work - http://theundercoverrecruiter.com/manage-conflict-work-info/
“13 Habits of Exceptionally Likeable People – Dr. Travis Bradberry - https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/13-habits-exceptionally-likeable-people-dr-travis-bradberry
• Family, especially extended family
• Customer Service
• Conflict
• Others?
DEVELOPING AN ASSERTIVENESS PLAN:
Have you “USED” “SWOT”?
USED: Use/Stop/Exploit/Defend
SWOT: Strengths/Weaknesses/Opportunities/Threats
Questions
and
Answers
SOURCES by Topics (in bold):Overview and some psychotherapeutic materials: Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A. (former
LPC). (1999-2004).
iStatements: Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (2002-2014). iStatements Excercise.
TRUTH model: Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (2002). Truth Model.
Expectations: Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (2008). “What do you expect?”. Online: http://beacondeacon.com/ichthus/personal/WhatDoYouExpect.htm.
Personal Self-Assessment: "Developing Positive Assertiveness" training presented by Marisa Geisser and Michelle Grilli and indirectly from the sources thereof: • Covey, S.R. (1999). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: First Fireside edition.
• Dombeck, M. & Wells-Moran, J. (2006). Setting Boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness Training. Retrieved October 2, 2008 from http://mentalhelp.net
• Keeps, E.J., Stolovitch, H.D. (2002). Telling Ain’t Training. Baltimore: Victor Graphics.
• Lloyd, S.R. (2002). Developing Positive Assertiveness: Third Edition. USA:
Von Hoffman Graphics Inc.
SOURCES by Topics - continued:Assertiveness Video: CRM Learning (2008). Being Assertive (DVD). http://www.crmlearning.com
“When you...I feel...I would like”: Glanzer, James, LPC, Family Life Resource Center. Harrisonburg, VA.
Forgiveness: DiBlasio, Frederick A., PhD. University of Maryland School of Social Work.
Being Proactive: Weisler, Kirk A. (2005). The Dog Poop Initiative. Team Dynamics, Inc.
Problematic Thinking and Goals: Morrison, John, FBC Pastor of Family Life, Winchester, VA; Weber PhD, Randy, Psychologist, Charis Institute, Harrisonburg, VA; Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A. (former LPC), Harrisonburg, VA.
Goals/Desires: Crabb, Dr. Larry (1992). The Marriage Builder. Zondervan.
REBT/ABCD: Ellis, A., and Harper, R.A. (1975). A New Guide to Rational Living. N. Hollywood, CA: Wilshire Books. * NOTE: A-B-C-D model online at http://kap.samhsa.gov/products/manuals/pdfs/anger1.pdf (2002, p. 33).
SOURCES by Topics - continued:Crisis: Aguilera, Donna C. (1998). Crisis Intervention: Theory and Methodology. St. Louis, MO:
Mosby.
SWOT: Armstrong, Michael. (1996). Management Processes and Functions. London: Hyperion Books.
Faulty Cognitions/CBT: Burns, David D. and Beck, Aaron T. (1999). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Collins Living.
Triangulation: McGoldrick, Monica. (2008). Genograms: Assessment and Intervention. W. W. Norton & Company.
Work Challenges: Lawinski, Jennifer. (2012). “10 Ways to Work With People You Hate.” Baseline Magazine. http://socialmediamob.blogspot.com/2012/02/10-ways-to-work-with-people-you-hate.html.
SOURCES by Topics - continued:Work Challenges - continued:
Abilene Christian University. (2013). “How To Manage Conflict At Work.” Undercover Recruiter. http://theundercoverrecruiter.com/manage-conflict-work-info/.
Dr. Travis Bradberry (2015), co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0. “13 Habits of Exceptionally Likeable People.” https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/13-habits-exceptionally-likeable-people-dr-travis-bradberry.