digital

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Bar Opening Times:

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Anniversary Special Offers:

£15 off a CBT

£30 off any other Test Training

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£60 each taken off the full

price of your course if you

book at the same time as a

friend.

To the reader;

Lucky enough to be born in the 90s? Well,

then you are what is known as a ‘digital

native’. Someone who was born during the

advent of technology and has grown up

alongside it. If you owned a Nokia 3310,

if you spent hours playing Snake, if you

can remember life before Facebook then

you are one of us. If you suffered

through txt speak and are now thrilled

that all phones come with a QWERTY

keyboard, you’re definitely in the right

place. In 1991 the first website was

created by CERN, in 1994 the Playstation

was released, Microsoft released the

Xbox in 2001 and the ill fated DreamCast

came somewhere in between the two. Not

forgetting Nintendo’s input, many

different ways to play Mario and Pokémon.

Remember all the different types of

Windows? Remember when you were yelled

at to get off the internet because your

mum wanted to use the phone? Remember

when the first iPhone came out?

If you answered yes to most of the above,

this is definitely the read for you. In

this issue, moral implications, whinges

about release dates, whether or not you

should upgrade from 360 to Xbox One, de-

mands for remasters and a couple of re-

views… Plus the delightful revela-

tion that Xbox Gamers are the best in

bed.

Enjoy!

Paige Horsford: Editor, sub-editor, layout-er, writer; feature, opinion, reviewer…

I think that’s it.

CONTENTS

With Great Battery Power, Comes

Great Responsibility (4)

Not Ok, Guys (6)

Should I upgrade? (7)

Internet Safety (8)

Remasters PLZ (10)

I’m too Sexy for my game (11

REVIEWS

Grand Theft Auto 5 (12)

Fable: Anniversary (13)

Thief(14)

Disagree with me? Agree with me?

LOVE ME? Let me know

@PaigeIrene91

https://www.facebook.com/paige.horsford

ladyloss91

With Great Battery Power… ...Comes Great Responsibility

This month, Anne, an 89

year old woman, took a

fatal dose of barbiturates

to end her own life, at the

Dign itas cli nic in

Switzerland. because she

felt ‘left behind’ by

the digital age

Anne was an electrician

in the Royal Navy; nowhere

near a technophobe. She

thought that the human race

were turning into robots.

Maybe that’s true, if we’

re letting our predecessors

get so lonely that they

feel they have a legitimate

claim for euthanasia.

I am pro-euthanasia,

for the record. If you want

to die beholden to no

medicines, or before you

forget your family’s

faces and huge chunks of

your own life, fine, best

of luck to you in the next

world if that’s what you

believe in. I didn’t

like going to visit my

grandmother in the final

years of her life, she was

a shadow of her former self

and didn’t remember who I

was more often than not.

She may not have been in

any physical pain, but she

was no longer my Nanny Vee

Vee, and there was nothing

I, nor anyone else in my

family could have done

about it.

But something could have

been done about Anne. Did

no one have the time to

teach her how to use these

new technologies? Did no

one have a few hours to

spare to explain to her

that not all TV shows are

dire and mind-melting, that

mobile phones can save

lives, and that music can

now fit in your pocket and

come with you wherever you

go? There’s more than the

top 40 on iTunes, you know.

>>

With Great Battery Power… ...Comes Great Responsibility

I live with my

grandparents, who both own

tablets, a computer and

a smartphone. In lieu of

rent I am the tech whizz-

kid of the house. I fix the

computer, install new

hardware and software and

update apps. On the odd

occasion that I get sick of

my grandmother’s whining

and crying about Candy

Crush Saga I’ll even go so

far as to do the level for

her.

Although I take the mick

and occasionally get tired

of being summoned from

whatever I’m doing

(usually nothing important)

and being called at work,

or as has happened

occasionally, on a night

out to provide over-the-

phone tech support, they

raised me. My Nan taught me

to read, my Grandad taught

me to ride a bike, my Nan

taught me to look both ways

before crossing the road,

my Grandad taught me to

play football, so I owe

them at least a few hours a

week to help them with

things they don’t

understand.

When I was young, I

wasn’t allowed to be

bored. I had to keep myself

entertained, and I did.

Now, in my early twenties,

I have an iPhone 5S, an

iPad Air, an Xbox One and

360, a PS3 and a whole host

of other materialistic crap

and I’ve never been so

bored, unentertained and

apathetic in my whole life.

My grandparents gave me

imagination, excitement and

the ability to keep myself

occupied as a toddler, and

now the tables have turned,

I’ll never be able to pay

them back, no matter how

many times I run the

anti-virus software, update

their tablets or

troubleshoot the internet

connection.

As digital natives, it is

our responsibility to show

our parents,

grandparents, aunts and

uncles how to step into the

21st Century with their

heads held high.

They poured years into

our upbringing. We are who

we are because of them, our

personalities, our beliefs

and our values come from

them over the decades

they’ve put into our

lives. Give them back a few

hours. Or we run the risk

of actually being robots.

By Paige Horsford

Pictured: Anne, 89, who sadly euthanized herself because of the digital age.

Not OK, Guys! Last summer was rife with

exciting new game releases,

the vast majority of which

were to tie in with the

next gen consoles, also

announced last year. One of

those beautiful looking

games was Watchdogs, by

Ubisoft. Oh. My. God.

Hacking, violence, next gen

graphics, to be released

just after the Xbox One. It

looked awesome. It was

originally also supposed to

run at a higher resolution

on the Xbox One than the

PS4. It settled my internal

Console War. I obediently

went to Blockbusters to put

down my deposit.

November came. Watchdogs

did not. Blockbusters shut

down, and I lost my

mahoosive deposit of £1.

Not the point, guys. ‘It’

s not good enough right

now, but it will be in

March. We’ll release it

then.’ said Ubisoft.

March came. Watchdogs did

not. My Xbox One had

arrived in February, I had

played through every game I

owned on it (all 3 of them)

and was eagerly awaiting

w i t h b a i t e d b r e a t h

Watchdogs. ‘Nope, still

not good enough. It’ll be

out in May. Trololol’ said

Ubisoft. I may have

paraphrased. The next

release date is the arse-

end of May, may I add?

Yeah, cool. Not. Since when

was that accepted practice?

If a few TV shows had done

that, maybe they wouldn’t

have been cancelled. The

most recent seasons of How

I Met Your Mother could

have done with some more

time in Development, yet

they’ve been released

completely unfunny. The

fact that it’s the last

season anyway is the only

reason that hasn’t been

If I missed a university

deadline and then handed it

in a week later with the

excuse ‘Sorry, couldn’t

hand it in on the deadline,

it was shit, but now it

should be worth full marks.

TTYL’ I’d get a zero, end

of story. If I did it at

work with something like a

rota, I’d have no staff

and I’d be up Faecal Creek

without a paddle.

So why is it accepted when

it’s a multi-billion

dollar corporation? It’s

bad enough that it’s the

second biggest video game

company in the world doing

it (beaten only by EA), now

other companies are

following suit; most

notably CD Projekt Red with

the Witcher 3. Being

unreliable and cheating

customers is trending!

Pull yourself together

Ubisoft. Take some of that

£1billion revenue you got

last year and pour it into

releasing your games on

time. It’s bad PR, bad

practice and bad treatment

of customers who have

queued up for hours to line

your pockets with Country

Club spending money.

Watchdogs, The Amazing Spiderman, and the Witcher 3; 3 games that have been delayed this year...

Should I Upgrade

to an Xbox One…?

Yes No

I have £400 knocking about that I don’t

need for sustenance/shelter/utilities

I already have a Blu-Ray player/DVD player/

computer/freeview/sky/cable/catch up/Smart

I can afford £50 for brand new games when

I finish the standard 10 hour campaign.

I don’t want Microsoft watching me 24/7.

My electricity tariff is so cheap that I

can afford the always-on setting.

My TV is 12 months old or older.

My broadband contract is worth the paper

it’s written on and has a download speed

of at least 20MB

I still like my Xbox 360. I have every in-

tention of replaying and getting just as

much enjoyment out of the myriad of games I

I like the idea of having an online camera

trained on the centre of my life at all

I am not a materialistic sod obsessed with

always having the latest of everything.

I don’t mind that I won’t be able to

talk cross platform on live party chat.

I can wait to play the *counts* 5 games cur-

rently available on Xbox One.

I have played EVERY game available on the

360 and am now bored.

My disposable income covers a Freddo bar,

not much more.

I bought my HDTV in the last 6 months. Wonga.com have put me on their blacklist.

I don’t already have all of the features

of the multimedia box. (cable/digital/blu-

ray/dvd/computer)

Internet Safety... (According to my tech-savvy landlady.)

I’m not at my best first

thing in the morning. No

one knows this better than

my fearsome, formidable,

terrifying battle-axe of a

l a n d l a d y , A K A m y

grandmother. I woke up this

morning and for once she

hadn’t pulled the ‘your

coffee’s getting cold’

trick (she makes a coffee,

instantly screams at me

that it’s getting cold and

to get my lazy student

behind out of bed and then

I burn my mouth on my

‘cold’ coffee. I fall for

it almost daily.)

In my zombiefied bedhead

state I wandered past the

c o m p u t e r m u t t e r i n g

unintelligible curses.

Bleary eyed, I started

making my own coffee, at

which point my grandmother

said:

‘Look at this, *endearing

childhood nickname that I

haven’t managed to shake

by the age of 22*. Ray Bans

for £15.99!’

‘Fab.’ I grumbled to

m y s e l f . W h i c h m y

grandmother took to mean

‘yes, this website is

entirely legit, please do

enter every bit of personal

information you’ve ever

had, including your third

pet’s name. Oh, and your

favourite caretaker at

school and your mother’s

surname from her second

marriage.’

I disappeared out into

the back garden with my

coffee for my morning

cigarette, and as I got

halfway down the cup it

twigged what I had said. I

would only be slightly

exaggerating if I said my

coffee cup shattered on the

patio in slow motion. That

cup says I’m gorgeous, I

set it down gently in slow

motion and then went to see

just how much trouble my

grandmother had wreaked.

Whilst I appreciate that

she attempted to buy me a

non-existent or knock off

pair of Ray Bans too, she

had entered her card

details, not once, but

twice, damn scum site

claimed an error on our

internet connection. >>

‘Y e s , t h i s

w e b s i t e i s

e n t i r e l y

legit…’

Definitely the wrong type of

Silver Surfer

No harm, no foul, right?

Wrong. I’m all too aware

of what websites like that

can do to your bank

account. I only had to pay

£2.99 for postage on a

rechargeable e-cigarette;

all of a sudden, nearer to

£150 had gone missing from

my account.

So, cue shutting the

internet window, running a

virus scan, clearing said

viruses, opening the

internet bank to see if the

money had gone out the

account, calling the bank

to block any pending

transactions… On it went.

A l l t h e w h i l e m y

grandmother’s sitting

looking at me like I’ve

just taken away her favour-

ite toy for a reason as

stupid as leaking battery

acid.

What annoys me is, my

grandmother is not

technologically stupid. She

reads every warning about

the latest virus, which

emails to trash straight

away, which ones to be very

cautious, if you don’t

know the sender, don’t

open it, all of that guff.

She saw this offer on

facebook, of all places.

Nicely done, social media,

give my grandparents’

computer cyber syphilis,

and empty their bank

accounts while you’re at

it.

While I never finished my

morning coffee, because for

once, it really did go

cold, that certainly did

wake me up. My grandmother

now knows she’s not

allowed on the computer

before I’ve had my morning

coffee; not allowed on it

at all if I catch her on

any more dodgy websites.

‘My Nan is not

stupid’

‘Nicely done,

Social Media.’

Example of one of the fake Ray Ban Facebook pages.

Remasters PLZ With this myriad of

beautiful games (sarcasm)

available on the Xbox One,

including the latest remaster

R a y m a n L e g e n d s ,

including levels from the

original Rayman game, we

found out the remasters that

people wanted and converted

them into this generic top

ten list, peruse at your

leisure. If by any chance,

you happen to work for any of

the video game companies that

produced these games, feel

free to get to work straight

away…

10. MediEvil

9. Donkey Kong: Country 8. Midtown Madness 7. Rainbow 6

6. Castlevania 5. Time Crisis 4. Spyro the Dragon

3. Hit & Run 2. NFS: Underground 1. Crash Bandicoot. Any of them. ALL OF THEM!

for my game I’m too Sexy

It’s official; ‘I own

an Xbox’ is a valid chat

up line. According to the

people at Metro, Xbox

players are the best of the

best of the best, sir. Must

be the thumb dexterity or

hand-to-eye coordination

or something.

Of the 1747 gamers’

partners interviewed, 54%

were rated as ‘good’ or

above, with a shocking

22% being rated as

‘excellent’ in the

bedroom- Xbox gamers.

Fan-bloody-tastic.

As an added bonus, those

snobby PC gamers have been

taken down a peg or seven

with their love-making

skillz being branded the

worst of all gamers, only

3% of those were excellent.

Take that, pompous PC

players!

In a not so interesting

twist, those annoying

non-gamer other halves had

their opinions about the

time spent in bed versus

the time spent in front of

the gaming machine of your

choice. 21% wanted more

time in bed, 11 % wanted

more time on games. Bet

that 11% were PC gamers’

long suffering spouses.

So, all you stereotypical

glasses wearing socially

awkward genii; don your

Marvel/retro gaming

T-shirts, print out this

article and go on the pull.

Statistics don’t lie: You

are an intellectual gaming

sex GOD.

Reviews

Grand Theft Auto is one of

the most successful

franchises to date. Unlike

other first person shooters

(FPSs) which just plonk you

down in a war zone and

follow the same mission

structure towards the same

ends for approx. 6 hours

total gameplay, GTA gives

you an original plot

(complete with twists and

turns!), 50+ hours of gaming

a n d a b o v e a l l , a n

intellectual and satirical

look at life in a capitalist

country.

Whilst I harp on about the

sophistication and eloquence

of GTA V; you are not saving

the world, you are

furthering your own devious

career. You are killing

people, stealing from

hardworking individuals and

r i p p i n g o f f t h e

well-intentioned. To combat

the villainy of it all

though, you are also

fiddling corporations’

profits, messing with stocks

and shares and executing the

rich to give to the poor.

The poor being you. Look, if

you want to be the good guy,

go buy Fable. GTA V is not

for the virtuous.

It follows Michael, Franklin

and Trevor through trailer

parks, 8 mile style

neighbourhoods and the

Hollywood(ish) area of Vin-

ewood. Michael is a retired

heister under the protection

of the F.I.B. (geddit?) Wit-

ness Relocation Program

struggling with a conceited

wife, two ungrateful and

spoilt adolescent offspring

and a mid-life crisis.

Franklin is a gangsta (he

c a l l s h i m s e l f a

‘gangbanger’ but I

couldn’t bring myself to

type that) who just wants to

be a somebody and earn some

serious dollar.

And Trevor? Trevor scares

the hell out of me. During

some of Trevor’s missions/

cutscenes I actually have to

look away. But just as

equally, I have to wipe

tears of laughter from my

e y e s , b e c a u s e t h i s

stereotypical redneck/

hillbilly sociopathic psy-

chopathic anarchist just

cracks me up.

I am not biased. Not since

San Andreas have I been able

to lose myself in a GTA

game. Liberty City was too

‘been there/done that’ and

IV just bored me to tears.

GTA V, however has smooth

mechanics, graphics that are

eye watering (to the point

that my best friend

sometimes thinks that I’ve

decided to start watching TV

instead of playing) and the

cutscenes that would have

previously had me reaching

for the TiVo remote just

make it that whole lot more

immersive. The mission types

are varied, from those

beloved Rampages (kill

everyone in sight in a

minute with a weapon of your

choice), to the races

(street, dirt bike,

triathlons, jet ski and

bicycle) and my new personal

favourite, the smoke-the-

substance-then-kill-your-

alien/clown-hallucinations

mission that made my stomach

ache with love for the

latest instalment in the GTA

franchise.

The only way to fully

understand is to buy it. The

only way to feel good about

being a jerk is to be a

jerk. The only way to be

terrified by Trevor is to be

Trevor, so do it. Indulge

your inner Trevor in the

virtual world, when there

are no repercussions; you

may find yourself all the

calmer in the real world for

it… I promise you won’t

regret it.

GTA V: Robin Hood it ain’t

Reviews Fable: Anniversary; One Anniversary No One Will Blame You

For Forgetting.

Fable: Anniversary is a

remaster, nothing else.

Let’s not forget that. It

jazzes up the original Fable

game. Released for the

original Xbox in 2004, it

was, at best an RPG

Platformer. Now, the

newlywed that was fantastic

for its time has become an

old married game. It’s smug

and secure, and sniffs at

all those newly engaged

games. Unfortunately, its

marriage is on rocky ground.

It has reached its 10th anni-

versary, but banks on the

success of previous years to

carry it along.

The technology and scope

of games nowadays means

heavy competition from up-

coming releases in the same

genre, however, I doubt any

of them will have had the

forethought to implement the

Xbox Smartglass app so

i n t u i t i v e l y . W i t h

Smartglass, this Anniversary

could have redeemed itself.

However, a map on an iPad or

tablet (a phone doesn’t do

it justice) that shows

locations of hidden objects

that previously one would

have had to search for

manually and get an actual

sense of achievement, cannot

justify either the price

tag, or the general ‘meh’

of the game. It’s not a bad

game, but it’s not a great

one, either. It’s been

released in a world where

its big brothers, Fable II

and III are the popular

kids.

There is tedium abound in

the training missions to the

point that some of it is

just plain condescension.

Once you get past this

training, though, the game

stays true to the original

openness of Fable, it is not

a straight line to your fin-

ishing point and there are

side missions aplenty to

sink your teeth into. It’s

PEGI certificate can only be

described as a marketing

ploy, to get those

rebellious teens into it.

The first 20 minutes of

gameplay could possibly be

described as emotionally

mature, but seen as how PEGI

cites ‘Violence’ as its

justification for the 16

certificate, it seems a bit

far-reaching. I wouldn’t

have any qualms in letting

early teens play.

While it’s a good way to

kill a few hours, it’s not

worth the £28.99 price tag.

It would have been value for

money at half the price on

release day, but for a face

lifted 10 year old game,

it’s a bit much. Lionhead

have revived 10 year old

mechanics in a 10 year old

world for a 10 year old

story. It’s a grim omen of

days to come if the best

that Lionhead can do is to

dress up Peter Molyneux’s

original flagship soon after

his departure for greener

studio pastures. With

another Fable looming on the

horizon for the next gen

Xbox One, this Anniversary

is one that no one will

remember.

Reviews Thief: My Favourite Bit

I live in a fake world.

The real world upsets me,

angers me, annoys me, so

everywhere I go, I seek es-

capism. I have lived in

Cyrodiil, on the Normandy,

in Abstergo Industries

before being broken loose.

I have holiday-ed in Pando-

ra, Los Santos and Thedas.

And I have snuck around

stealing from the rich and

the poor as shady, morally

questionable characters,

first as Corvo, and now as

Garrett.

Last night, I had one of

those moments. One of those

fabulous moments where next

gen graphics, a huge TV, a

f a m i l i a r s t o r y, a n

unexpected twist and a

creepy as hell setting come

together to completely

remove you from the real

world, to make you forget

who you are;

To make you sh*t yourself

with fear, basically.

I am talking about

Chapter 5 of Thief. Cue the

derelict asylum that’s on

its own island being

battered by waves and wind,

people have gone in, never

come out, you have to row

to it on a ramshackle old

boat (well, in a cutscene.

Rowing to an island

yourself? Most boring mini

game ever.) even the

colouring is off. As soon

as I got onto the island, I

made my best friend stop

what he was doing to

‘guard’ me. (i.e. You

watch this too so we have

both been terrified and

I’m not the only one not

sleeping tonight.)

What a beautifully

horrific chapter it was

too. From two minutes in I

was whispering to myself,

‘it’s only a game, it’s

only a game, it’s only a-

WTF HOW DID THAT MOVE I DID

NOT MOVE THAT OH MY GOD

WHAT IS THAT NOISE WHY IS

THAT DOOR OPEN I DIDN’T

OPEN IT!’

I will not spoil the

chapter. I will relay my

favourite part.

In thief, you are a

professional thief (who’da

thunk it?!). Therefore, you

have the ability to pick

locks. You also have the

ability to peek through

keyholes. As you walk down

one particularly eerie

corridor, you can hear

something. It sounds

suspiciously like a match

being struck. You open all

the nearby doors, and then

come across a locked one.>>

Reviews

You look through the

hole. You see a woman in

Victorian dress squatting

over a tiny light,

perpetually lighting

matches. You see the shiny

object on the floor. The

shiny objects are loot. You

decide, despite the fact

that there is clearly a

mental patient in the room

with clear pyromaniac

tendencies, that you will

pick the lock.

The mini game that is

picking the lock relies

heavily on the rumble

function – feel the

rumble, set the pin (there

are also circles that go

white when the lock pick is

in the correct position,

but that’s just not as

atmospheric as closing your

eyes and waiting for the

rumble). Every jolt, buzz

and click of the lock

picking process makes your

heart beat faster. You’re

w a i t i n g f o r s o m e

catastrophe as the door is

unlocked. You close one

eye, turn your head…

Nothing. Nothing happens.

So you peek through the

keyhole again. It is an

empty room once more.

Except for the shiny, shiny

loot. You, having regained

your composure, set your

posture so you’re not

huddled up like said mental

patient, carelessly press

the button when commanded

to open the door…

BOOM!

There’s an explosion

that would have Bruce

Willis characters crying

out for their mothers. You

are chucked backwards, and

you land up on the floor.

Of course, now this bastard

room has just pissed you

off. Who does it think it

is, lulling you into a

false sense of security and

then exploding in your

face? So you walk up to the

door open it, walk in.

HUZZAH! No explosion, no

mad chick in a gown, no

matches. You turn to look

at the shiny object, so

close, all you have to do

is turn slightly to your

left, look down just… A …

Little… Bit….

And then an unseen force

pushes you out of the room,

and shuts the door. And

locks it. And makes it

un-interactionable. Arse!

And that, ladles and

jelly spoons, is the exact

reason I play video games.

For those tiny details,

those little bits that

stick in your mind clear as

day, that scare the crap

out of you for just one

minute, that make the fake

world you live in, real,

for one small drop of a

moment in the ocean that is

your life.

Thank you, Eidos, for

giving me that moment. For

making me braver than I

ever could be in real life.

For making me care more

about that one moment in

that game, than I have

since I’ve bought that

hyped up multi-media

(x)box. I don’t regret it

for an instant.

‘Make you sh*t

yourself with

fear, basically’

‘That’s the

reason I play

video games.’

Disclaimer: This was written as an educational exercise. No offense was intended. To the best of the writer’s knowledge every

thing written

here is original work. Apologies if any images have not got required permission according to copyright laws. The opinions expressed here

are solely those of the writer.