Download - Dealing with Emotional Problems Using Rational-Emotive Cognitive Behaviour Therapy: A Practitioner's Guide

Dealing with

Emotional

Problems Using

Rational-

Emotive

Cognitive

Behaviour

Therapy: A

Practitioner's

Guide

Also available, Dealing withEmotional Problems UsingRational-Emotive CognitiveBehaviour Therapy: AClient's Guide.

In this practical companion to the Client'sGuide, Windy Dryden draws on rational-emotive cognitive behaviour therapy (RECBT)± a form of CBT that focuses on challenging andchanging the irrational beliefs that largelydetermine emotional and behavioural issues ±to encourage people to deal with their emotionalproblems.

This Practitioner's Guide includes all of theinformation presented in the Client's Guidewith the addition of helpful hints and tips forthe therapist, making it straightforward to use inthe consulting room with no need for furtherreferences.

Dealing with Emotional Problems using Rational-Emotive Cognitive Behaviour Therapy: A Practi-tioner's Guide will allow the therapist to workthrough and help the client learn to deal withtheir problems from an RECBT perspective,covering:

anxietydepressionguiltshamehurtunhealthy angerunhealthy jealousyunhealthy envy.

This practical workbook presents each emotionin a similar way, allowing the reader to compareand contrast common and distinctive features ofeach problem. It will be essential reading for anyprofessional using RECBT with their client.

Windy Dryden is Professor of Psychothera-peutic Studies at Goldsmiths, University ofLondon.

Dealing with

Emotional

Problems Using

Rational-

Emotive

Cognitive

Behaviour

Therapy A Practitioner's Guide

WINDY DRYDEN

First published 2012 by Routledge27 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex BN3 2FA

Simultaneously published in the USA and Canadaby Routledge711 Third Avenue, New York NY 10017

Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an Informa business

Ø 2012 Windy Dryden

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproducedor utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means,now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying andrecording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, withoutpermission in writing from the publishers.

Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks orregistered trademarks, and are used only for identi®cation andexplanation without intent to infringe.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication DataA catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication DataDryden, Windy.

Dealing with emotional problems using rational-emotive cognitive-behaviour therapy : a practitioner's guide / Windy Dryden.

p. ; cm.Includes bibliographical references and index.ISBN 978-0-415-67764-6 (pbk.)1. Rational emotive behavior therapy. 2. Cognitive therapy. I. Title.[DNLM: 1. Cognitive Therapy. 2. Emotions. 3. Psychotherapy,

Rational-Emotive. WM 425.5.C6]RC489.R3D78632 2012616.89©1425±dc23

2011013056

ISBN: 978-0-415-67764-6 (pbk)ISBN: 978-0-203-15763-3 (ebk)

Typeset in Stone Serif by Gar®eld Morgan, Swansea, West GlamorganPaperback cover design by Andrew WardPrinted by TJ International Ltd, Padstow, Cornwall

Contents

Preface vi

1 Emotional problems: foundations and healthy alternatives 1

2 Dealing with anxiety 22

3 Dealing with depression 56

4 Dealing with guilt 87

5 Dealing with shame 117

6 Dealing with hurt 148

7 Dealing with unhealthy anger 176

8 Dealing with unhealthy jealousy 207

9 Dealing with unhealthy envy 237

References 267

Appendix 1 268

Appendix 2 273

Appendix 3 275

Appendix 4 277

Appendix 5 279

Appendix 6 281

Appendix 7 289

Index 299

Preface

I have written this book as a practitioner's companion to Dealing withEmotional Problems with RECBT: A Client's Guide. In that book, I deal withthe eight emotional problems that clients routinely seek help for andshow them how they can deal with them.

There are three ways I could have written this Practitioner's Guide. First, Icould have written totally separate Client and Practitioner Guides. In takingthis approach I would have to make frequent page references to theClient's Guide in the Practitioner's Guide. This means that you would haveto have both guides open when working with a client and go backwardsand forwards from book to book. While there would be little repetitionwithin each book, you would waste much valuable therapy time con-sulting both texts at the same time.

The second approach I could have taken is to write totally separateClient and Practitioner Guides but to include them in one volume. Again intaking this approach I would have to make frequent page references to theClient's Guide in the Practitioner's Guide. This means that you would haveto go backwards and forwards from guide to guide within a single volume.While again there would be little repetition within each part of the book,you would again waste much valuable therapy time moving from one partto another.

The third approach I could have taken and which, in fact, I decided totake involves having a separate Client's Guide and reproducing this guidein the Practitioner's Guide. In taking this tack, I present the material so thatyou have access to it when and where you need it. You do not, therefore,have to go from book to book or from one part of a single book to theother part. While this necessitates repetition of salient material, I believethat this is a price worth paying to facilitate use by practitioners.

In the present book, then, I reproduce the Client's Guide and at salientpoints, I discuss issues that may come up in therapy when you use theClient's Guide with your clients and show how best you can address theseissues. The material that I have written for practitioners in this book is ina different typeface to the Client's Guide so you can easily ®nd it.

In the Client's Guide (which is reproduced in this book), I begin withoutlining the foundations of emotional problems from an RECBT

perspective. I then devote one chapter to each of the eight emotionalproblems and use a similar structure in each chapter. I start by helpingclients to understand the emotional problem in question, discuss whatthey disturb themselves about when they experience the emotion, andoutline what largely determines the emotion and how they tend to actand think when they experience it. I show clients how to deal with theemotional problem in question. I help them to identify the themes inthe emotion, detail their behaviour and thinking when they experience itbefore encouraging them to set appropriate emotional, behavioural andthinking goals. Then, I help them to identify, challenge and change therigid and extreme beliefs that account for their emotional problems andto develop the ¯exible and non-extreme beliefs that will enable themto achieve their goals. Next, I show clients what they need to do tostrengthen their conviction in their rational beliefs so that they becomeless prone to the emotional problem. I then deal with a number ofadditional issues relevant to the emotional problem in question before®nally outlining a number of world views that underpin each emotionalproblem and its healthy alternative.

The common chapter structure that I employ in Chapters 2±9 ofthe Client's Guide is to ensure that all relevant issues are discussed foreach emotional problem. It is unlikely that clients will be prone toall eight emotional problems, but they may be prone to two or three. Theview of emotional problems that I am taking in this book states that whilethere are common features among the eight emotions, there are alsofeatures that are distinctive to each emotion. This is re¯ected in Chapters2±9 of the Client's Guide and they will need to bear this point in mindwhen they read these chapters or a selection of them.

The same is the case in this Practitioner's Guide. There are common anddistinctive features that are relevant when helping clients deal with theeight emotional problems. To help you use this Practitioner's Guide, Iproduce common features in each of the eight chapters and the distinc-tive features where relevant. I have decided to organise this book in thisway to help you get the most out of the relevant chapter when workingwith a client's chosen emotional problem. While this means that certainissues are repeated throughout the book, as I mentioned above, it alsomeans that the relevant material is there when and where you need toconsult it.

Windy DrydenLondon and Eastbourne

viiPreface

Emotional problems: foundations andhealthy alternatives

In this book, I am going to discuss some common emotional problems andshow you how to deal with them. The book is structured as a workbook sothat you can implement the skills that I teach you in a step-by-step manner.

It is worthwhile stressing to your clients that the order of thesesteps is indicative and not set in stone. Over time and withincreased experience, different clients will use the steps in differentorders.

In this opening chapter, I am going to cover some important material thatI regard as foundations to your understanding of the eight emotionalproblems that I discuss in this book and their healthy alternatives.

WHAT ARE THE EIGHT EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS?

I have been practising in the ®eld of counselling and psychotherapy since1975 and have worked in a variety of different settings. In that time, I haveseen many people suffering from one or more of the eight emotionalproblems that I cover in this book. They are:

anxiety

depression

guilt

shame

hurt

unhealthy anger

unhealthy jealousy

unhealthy envy.

You will note that I have put the adjective `unhealthy' in front of anger,jealousy and envy. I have done this to distinguish the unhealthy version of

1

the emotion with its healthy version. I will discuss healthy alternatives tothe eight emotional problems in the next section.

Unfortunately, we don't have agreed language for emotional prob-lems. It is better to use the terms with which your clients resonatethan to impose on them terms such as those above that are usedin the RECBT literature. When you have agreed a term for anemotional problem with a client, make a clear note of it in theclient's ®le.

HEALTHY ALTERNATIVES TO THE EIGHTEMOTIONAL PROBLEMS

Adversity is unfortunately a fact of life.1 None of us can say that we havelived a life untouched by adversity. An adversity is a negative event. Sowhen you are looking for a healthy alternative to an emotional problem inthe face of adversity, it is not realistic for you to select an emotion that ispositive or neutral.

Problems with positive emotions as healthyalternatives to the emotional problems

If you want to feel a positive emotion about an adversity, you will have toconvince yourself that it is good that the adversity happened. Now, Iconcede that adversities do have some positive features, but they arelargely negative in nature. As such, the only way you are going to convinceyourself that it is a good thing that an adversity happened is to lie toyourself and to believe your lie. As you can see, this is unlikely to work inthe longer term and is, thus, not a good strategy.

Problems with neutral emotions as healthyalternatives to the emotional problems

It is also not realistic to have a neutral feeling about an adversity. If youwant such a neutral response, you will have to convince yourself that it

1 Throughout this book, I will refer to events where you don't get what you want, or getwhat you don't want, as `adversities'.

2 Dealing with emotional problems: a practitioner's guide

does not matter to you that the adversity happened. However, that won'twork since it does matter to you that the adversity happened. Quiteproperly, you would have preferred that the adversity did not happen. Soagain the only way you are going to convince yourself that it doesn't matterto you that the adversity happened is to lie to yourself and to ®nd your lieconvincing. This, again, is unlikely to work in the longer term and is, thus,not a good strategy.

Problems with living in an emotional vacuum as ahealthy alternative to the emotional problems

If a positive or neutral emotional response to an adversity is ruled out as ahealthy alternative to an emotional problem, what is left? You could say thatwhen an adversity happens, you don't want to feel the emotional problemthat you felt.

Harry regularly experiences anxiety about going to see his tutor because hethinks she is going to criticise his work. When asked what he wanted to feelinstead, Harry replied: `I don't want to be anxious about the possibility of mytutor criticising my work'.

The problem with this approach is that we don't tend to live in an emo-tional vacuum when an adversity has happened or we think that it is likely tohappen. Thus, it matters to Harry that his tutor does not criticise him. Weexperience emotions in areas of life that matter to us. Since it matters toHarry that his tutor does not criticise him, he is going to experience anemotion about this prospect. Don't forget that we are looking for a healthyalternative to the emotional problem of anxiety in Harry's case, and to alleight emotional problems in general.

Problems with reducing the intensity of emotionalproblems as healthy alternatives to these emotionalproblems

People often say when they are asked to nominate a healthy alternative to anemotional problem that they want to feel a less intense version of the emo-tional problem. Applying this to our example, when asked what he wants tofeel instead of anxiety about seeing his tutor, Harry says that he wants to feelless anxious. Now the problem with having a less intense version of an

3Emotional problems

emotional problem as a healthy alternative for that emotion is that it is stillunhealthy, albeit less intense. If something is unhealthy, it would makesense to want to have a less intense version of it only if this is the onlyalternative available. Fortunately, it isn't!

Healthy negative emotions as healthy alternatives tothe emotional problems

Healthy alternatives to emotional problems are known as `healthy negativeemotions'. This term is used for two good reasons. First, such emotionshave a negative tone and this is their realistic aspect. Remember we aretalking about emotions in the context of life's adversities. It is realistic tofeel a negative emotion about a negative event. Second, such emotions arehealthy in that they are associated with a different set of behaviours andways of thinking than are emotional problems. I discuss this in greaterdetail later in this chapter. For now, here is the list of healthy negativeemotions:2

concern (rather than anxiety)

sadness (rather than depression)

remorse (rather than guilt)

disappointment (rather than shame)

sorrow (rather than hurt)

healthy anger (rather than unhealthy anger)

healthy jealousy (rather than unhealthy jealousy)

healthy envy (rather than unhealthy envy).

As with emotional problems (or unhealthy negative emotions) wedo not have agreed terms for healthy negative emotions and onceagain, therefore, it is better to use the terms with which yourclients resonate than to impose on them terms such as those abovethat are used in the RECBT literature. When you have agreed aterm for a healthy negative emotion with a client, make a clearnote of it in the client's ®le. As we will see, this healthy negative

2 We do not have agreed terms for healthy negative emotions. Thus, it is importantthat you use the terms that are meaningful to you if they are different from the terms inthis list.


emotion will be your client's emotional goal in response to theadversity that he or she is facing.

The idea that the only truly constructive emotional alternativeto an emotional problem about an adversity is a healthy negativeemotion will, in all probability, be a new and revolutionary ideafor your client and one that will require quite a bit of digestingbefore your client accepts it. It is useful to suggest to those clientswho are grappling with this idea that, as a homework assignment,they spend some time thinking about all the possible alternativesto their emotional problem and that they write down the advan-tages and disadvantages of each alternative as they see them. Youcan then review these with your client in an open and frankmanner. Do not hesitate to correct any misconceptions that yourclient may demonstrate in the course of this review, but do so in anaccepting and respectful manner. If you cannot think of anyrebuttals to clients' misconceptions on this issue, discuss thismatter with your RECBT supervisor.

RATIONAL-EMOTIVE COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURTHERAPY

This book is based on rational-emotive cognitive behaviour therapy. Youmay have heard of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) and it being describedas a therapeutic approach. However, in my view, CBT is not a therapeuticapproach, but a therapeutic tradition in which there are a number of dis-tinctive approaches, of which rational emotive behaviour therapy (known asREBT) is one. REBT was founded in 1955 by Dr Albert Ellis (1913±2007). Theterm rational-emotive cognitive behaviour therapy (RECBT) ± which I willuse in this book to remind you of the book's legacy ± shows that RECBT isplaced within the CBT tradition and that its distinctive features are rootedin REBT.

Some clients may ask you about the differences between REBT andCBT since the term REBT is more prevalent on the internet and inthe professional and self-help literature than is the term RECBT.They may well have heard of the term CBT, but not REBT orRECBT. One way of dealing with this question is to build on whatappears above, but to say something about the distinctiveness ofRECBT. Thus, you might say something like:

5Emotional problems

Well, RECBT is a speci®c approach within the general traditionknown as CBT, so it is dif®cult to compare a speci®c approach withinthis tradition with the tradition itself. However, while most CBTapproaches would agree with Epictetus, the Greek Stoic philosopher,who was reported to say `People are disturbed not by things, but bytheir views of things', RECBT holds that `People are disturbed not bythings. Rather they disturb themselves by the rigid and extreme beliefsthat they hold about things.' Thus, in RECBT we place particularemphasis on helping you to identify these beliefs and to change themto their more constructive ¯exible and non-extreme belief equivalents.

This emphasis on rigid and extreme beliefs is explored further inthe Client's Guide, as you will presently see. Should a client wantto go further with this comparison, you might suggest that theyconsult Dryden (2009a), which is a volume in the `CBT: DistinctiveFeatures' series that details the distinctive features of REBT ± andto compare this with one of the other CBT approaches in the series,such as Beck's Cognitive Therapy (Wills 2009).

The eight emotional problems are underpinned byirrational beliefs

RECBT theory argues that each of the eight emotional problems stemsfrom two irrational beliefs: a rigid belief and three extreme beliefs that arederived from the rigid belief. Thus, an irrational belief is characterised bybeing rigid or being extreme. It has three other characteristics:

it is false

it is illogical

it has largely unconstructive consequences (e.g. in the face of an adversity it leads toan emotional problem).

Let me consider rigid and extreme beliefs separately.

Rigid beliefs

Perhaps the most basic characteristic of human beings is that we havedesires. We want certain things to happen and other things not to happen,but when we turn these desires into rigidities when we don't get what wewant, or get what we don't want, then we experience one or more of the


emotional problems described in this book. Here are a few examples ofrigid beliefs:

I must do well on the forthcoming test.

You must respect my boundaries.

The world must not give me too much hassle.

As these examples show you can hold rigid beliefs about yourself, othersand life conditions.

Later on in the Client's Guide, I discuss ¯exible beliefs where theclient's desires are kept ¯exible and not transformed into rigidbeliefs. It may therefore be helpful to stress that rigid beliefs alsotend to be based on desires as well. You can do this by reformu-lating the above examples, thus:

I would like to do well on the forthcoming test and therefore I must do so.

I want you to respect my boundaries and therefore you have to do so.

I would prefer it if the world did not give me too much hassle and therefore itmust not do so.

The point to emphasise here is that a rigid belief is based on adesire and an `and therefore' statement in which clients transformtheir desire into a rigidity.

Three extreme beliefs

According to RECBT theory, rigid beliefs are paramount in explaining theexistence of the emotional problems and three extreme beliefs tend to bederived from these rigid beliefs. These are

awfulising beliefs

discomfort intolerance beliefs

depreciation beliefs.

While the classic RECBT position is that rigid beliefs are primary,and awfulising beliefs, discomfort intolerance beliefs and depre-ciation beliefs are secondary beliefs derived from these primaryrigid beliefs, it is best not to make this a stumbling block if yourclients do not accept it. As long as they work to change both their

7Emotional problems

rigid belief and the one extreme belief that best accounts for theirdisturbance, then the question of what is primary and what issecondary can be put aside.

Awfulising beliefs

An awfulising belief stems from the rigid belief that things must not be asbad as they are. An awfulising belief is extreme in the sense that youbelieve at the time one or more of the following:

Nothing could be worse.

The event in question is worse than 100 per cent bad.

No good could possibly come from this bad event.

The above arguments are generic ones and you need to adapt themto your clients' speci®c beliefs. While it may be good if your clientsaccept all these arguments, this is not necessary. What isimportant is that your clients ®nd the arguments that they canaccept persuasive. Bear this point in mind when you engage yourclients in questioning their beliefs later.

In the following examples of awfulising beliefs, the rigid beliefs are listed inparentheses:

(I must do well on the forthcoming test) . . . and it would be awful if I don't.

(You must respect my boundaries) . . . and it's the end of the world when you don't.

(The world must not give me too much hassle) . . . and it's terrible when it does.

Please bear in mind that in RECBT we do not regard words such as`awful' or `terrible' as inherently extreme and therefore bound upwith client disturbance. Thus, when people say `It's awful that it'sraining outside', they are probably not disturbing themselvesabout the weather. It is only when these words are clearly extremethat they are examples of awfulising beliefs and when the person isin an emotionally disturbed frame of mind. Words have to beconsidered along with the meaning and context in which they areused. Explain this point to clients who may be confused about thisissue.


Discomfort intolerance beliefs

A discomfort intolerance belief stems from a rigid belief that things mustnot be as frustrating or uncomfortable as they are. A discomfort intoler-ance belief is extreme in the sense that you believe at the time one or moreof the following:

I will die or disintegrate if the frustration or discomfort continues to exist.

I will lose the capacity to experience happiness if the frustration or discomfortcontinues to exist.

In the following examples of discomfort intolerance beliefs, the rigid beliefsare listed in parentheses:

(I must do well on the forthcoming test) . . . and I could not bear it if I don't.

(You must respect my boundaries) . . . and it's intolerable if you don't.

(The world must not give me too much hassle) . . . and I can't stand it if it does.

Again, terms like Ì can't bear it' and Ìt's intolerable' may notre¯ect the presence of extreme, irrational beliefs. Bear in mindthat there is a difference between words and their meaning andthe context in which they are used. When someone says Ìt'sintolerable that there are no taxis when it is raining' and is angry,but not unhealthily so, then the term Ìt's intolerable' is probablynot an example of an irrational belief. However, the same words inthis example can point to the existence of an extreme irrationalbelief if a person is furious and in danger of in¯icting damage ontaxi drivers when he encounters one when unhealthily angry. Ifyour clients appear to confuse language and meaning here, youcan use such arguments to help dispel their confusion.

Depreciation beliefs

A depreciation belief stems from the rigid belief that you, others or thingsmust be as you want them to be and is extreme in the sense that you believeat the time one or more of the following:

A person (self or other) can legitimately be given a single global rating that de®nestheir essence and the worth of a person is dependent upon conditions that change(e.g. my worth goes up when I do well and goes down when I don't do well).

9Emotional problems

The world can legitimately be given a single rating that de®nes its essential natureand that the value of the world varies according to what happens within it (e.g. thevalue of the world goes up when something fair occurs and goes down whensomething unfair happens).

A person can be rated on the basis of one of his or her aspects and the world can berated on the basis of one of its aspects.

In the following examples of depreciation beliefs, the rigid beliefs are listedin parentheses:

(I must do well on the forthcoming test) . . . and I am a failure if I don't.

(You must respect my boundaries) . . . and you are bad if you don't.

(The world must not give me too much hassle) . . . and if it does, the world is arotten place.

Once again bear in mind the difference between words and theirmeanings and the contexts in which they are used. When somepeople say `I'm bad', they are not necessarily depreciating them-selves, as in Mae West's famous quote: `When I'm good, I'm verygood. When I'm bad, I'm better'. However, if a person is consumedwith guilt and says `I'm bad', he probably is depreciating himself.

The healthy alternatives to the eight emotionalproblems are underpinned by rational beliefs

RECBT theory argues that each of the eight healthy alternatives to theemotional problems stems from two rational beliefs: a ¯exible belief andthree non-extreme beliefs that are derived from the ¯exible belief. Thus, arational belief is characterised by being ¯exible or being non-extreme. Ithas three other characteristics:

it is true

it is logical

it has largely constructive consequences (e.g. in the face of an adversity it leads to ahealthy negative emotion).

Let me consider ¯exible and non-extreme beliefs separately.


Flexible beliefs

As I pointed out earlier in this chapter, it is a basic characteristic of humanbeings that we have desires. We want certain things to happen and otherthings not to happen. When we keep these desires ¯exible and when wedon't get what we want, or get what we don't want, we experience one ormore of the healthy negative emotions outlined earlier. Here are a fewexamples of ¯exible beliefs:

I would like to do well on the forthcoming test, but I don't have to do so.

I want you to respect my boundaries, but unfortunately you don't have to do so.

I would prefer it if the world did not give me too much hassle, but the world does nothave to be the way I want it to be.

As these examples show, you can hold ¯exible beliefs about yourself,others and life conditions. You will note from these examples that ¯exiblebeliefs have two components:

an àsserted preference' component (e.g. Ì would like to do well on the forthcomingtest . . .')

a `negated rigid' component (e.g. `. . . but I don't have to do so').

It is important that you encourage your clients to use both parts ofa ¯exible belief until they truly grasp that they don't have to havetheir desires met. When they fully understand this, then when theysay Ì want to be loved', for example, you will both know that thismeans Ì want to be loved, but I don't have to be loved'. Until thatpoint, encourage your clients to use the full version of their ¯exiblebelief, with both components (i.e. the àsserted preference' com-ponent and the `negated rigid' component) stated.

Three non-extreme beliefs

According to RECBT theory, ¯exible beliefs are paramount in explainingthe existence of healthy negative emotions and three non-extreme beliefstend to be derived from these ¯exible beliefs. These are

non-awfulising beliefs

discomfort tolerance beliefs

acceptance beliefs.

11Emotional problems

Non-awfulising beliefs

A non-awfulising belief stems from the ¯exible belief that you would likethings not to be as bad as they are, but that doesn't mean that they mustnot be as bad. This belief is non-extreme in the sense that you believe at thetime one or more of the following:

Things could always be worse.

The event in question is less than 100 per cent bad.

Good could come from this bad event.

In the following examples of non-awfulising beliefs, the ¯exible beliefs arelisted in parentheses:

(I would like to do well on the forthcoming test, but I don't have to do so) . . . and if Idon't do well, it would be bad, but not awful.

(I want you to respect my boundaries, but unfortunately you don't have to do so) . . .It's disadvantageous to me if you don't, but not the end of the world.

(I would prefer it if the world did not give me too much hassle, but the world does nothave to be the way I want it to be) . . . It's bad when it's not, but not terrible.

You will note from these examples that non-awfulising beliefs have twocomponents:

an àsserted badness' component (e.g. Ìf I don't do well on the forthcoming test, itwould be bad . . .')

a `negated awfulising' component (e.g . . . `but it wouldn't be awful').

Ensure that your clients use both components of a non-awfulisingbelief until you are both sure that by saying Ìt's bad that x hap-pened', they truly believe that it is also not terrible that x happened.Then, your clients can use the asserted badness component on itsown to indicate a non-awfulising belief.

Discomfort tolerance beliefs

A discomfort tolerance belief stems from the ¯exible belief that it isundesirable when things are as frustrating or uncomfortable as they are,but unfortunately things don't have to be different. A discomfort tolerance


belief is non-extreme in the sense that you believe at the time one or moreof the following:

I will struggle if the frustration or discomfort continues to exist, but I will neither dienor disintegrate.

I will not lose the capacity to experience happiness if the frustration or discomfortcontinues to exist, although this capacity will be temporarily diminished.

The frustration or discomfort is worth tolerating.

In the following examples of discomfort tolerance beliefs, the ¯exiblebeliefs are listed in parentheses:

(I would like to do well on the forthcoming test, but I don't have to do so) . . . It will bea struggle for me if I don't do well, but I could bear it and it would be worth bearing.

(I want you to respect my boundaries, but unfortunately you don't have to do so) . . .It's hard for me to bear it if you don't respect my boundaries, but I can tolerate it andit is in my interests to do so.

(I would prefer it if the world did not give me too much hassle, but the world does nothave to be the way I want it to be) . . . When the world is not the way I want, it isdif®cult me to tolerate it, but I can stand it and it's worthwhile for me to do so.

You will note from these examples that discomfort tolerance beliefs havethree components:

an asserted struggle component (e.g. `It will be a struggle for me if I don't do well onthe forthcoming test . . .')

a negated unbearability component (e.g. `. . . but I could bear it . . .')

a worth it component (e.g. `. . . and it would be worth bearing').

Ensure that your clients use the ®rst two components of a dis-comfort tolerance belief until you are both sure that by using the®rst component (i.e. the struggle component) they understand thatit indicates a discomfort tolerance belief. The third component ofthis non-extreme, rational belief stresses its pragmatic value andas such it is a good idea to encourage your clients to use it since itprovides a reason to tolerate discomfort.

Unconditional acceptance beliefs

An unconditional acceptance belief stems from a ¯exible belief that it ispreferable, but not necessary, that you, others or things are the way you


want them to be and is non-extreme in the sense that you believe at the timeone or more of the following:

A person cannot legitimately be given a single global rating that de®nes theiressence, and their worth, as far as they have it, is not dependent upon conditions thatchange (e.g. my worth stays the same whether or not I do well).

The world cannot legitimately be given a single rating that de®nes its essential natureand that the value of the world does not vary according to what happens within it(e.g. the value of the world stays the same whether fairness exists at any given timeor not).

It makes sense to rate discrete aspects of a person and of the world, but it does notmake sense to rate a person or the world on the basis of these discrete aspects.

In the following examples of unconditional acceptance beliefs, the ¯exiblebeliefs are listed in parentheses:

(I would like to do well on the forthcoming test, but I don't have to do so) . . . If I don'tdo well, it's bad, but I am not a failure. I am an unrateable, fallible human beingcapable of doing well and doing poorly on tests.

(I want you to respect my boundaries, but unfortunately you don't have to do so) . . .If you don't, you are not a bad person; rather you are an ordinary human beingcapable of doing good, bad and neutral things.

(I would prefer it if the world did not give me too much hassle, but the world does nothave to be the way I want it to be) . . . When the world does give me more hassle thanI want, it is not a rotten place; rather it is a complex mixture of good, bad and neutralaspects.

You will note from these examples that unconditional acceptance beliefshave three components:

an aspect evaluation component (e.g. `If I don't do well, it's bad . . .')

a negated depreciation component (e.g. `. . . but I am not a failure')

an asserted acceptance component (e.g. `. . . I am an unrateable, fallible human beingcapable of doing well and doing poorly on tests').

It is useful to encourage your clients to understand that the ®rsttwo components (the aspect evaluation component and thenegated depreciation component) are insuf®cient for an uncondi-tional acceptance belief to be held, since clients can hold the ®rsttwo components (e.g. `If I don't do well, it's bad, but I am not afailure'), and still depreciate themselves (e.g. `. . . but I would beworthier if I succeed than if I fail'). Thus, the really important


ingredient of an unconditional acceptance belief is the assertedacceptance component and the unconditionality of this compo-nent (e.g. `I am an unrateable, fallible human being capable ofdoing well and doing poorly on tests and this is the case whether Isucceed or fail'). Help your clients grasp this point and they willunderstand the core of unconditional acceptance beliefs.

INFERENCE THEMES IN RELATION TO YOURPERSONAL DOMAIN

While emotional problems and healthy negative emotions can be differ-entiated in general by the beliefs that underpin them (irrational in the ®rstcase, rational in the second), in order to distinguish between particularemotional problems and their speci®c healthy alternatives, we need tounderstand a concept known as inference themes, because these relate toan individual's personal domain. Let me discuss the concept of `personaldomain' ®rst.

Personal domain

The concept known as the `personal domain' ®rst appeared in the psycho-logical literature in 1976 in an excellent book entitled Cognitive Therapy andthe Emotional Disorders by Dr Aaron T. Beck, one of the grandfathers ofcognitive behaviour therapy. Your personal domain has three features:

Your personal domain contains people, objects and ideas in which you have aninvolvement.

Your personal domain is like an onion in that these people, objects and ideas canoccupy a central, intermediate and peripheral place within it.

There are two basic areas within your personal domain ± an ego area and a comfortarea. As you will see, six of the eight emotional problems that I discuss in this bookcan be related to one or both areas, while two of them (i.e. shame and guilt) appear tobe related only to the ego area.

Inference

An inference is an interpretation that you make about a situation that goesbeyond the data at hand and one that has personal meaning to you. An


inference may be accurate or inaccurate and needs to tested against theavailable evidence. Often you do not know for certain if an inference thatyou have made is accurate or inaccurate and therefore the best you can dois to make the `best bet' given the data at hand. The accuracy of aninference often becomes clear after you have made it. This is particularlythe case when you make an inference about a future event. Let me illustratethese points.

You will recall that Harry, to whom I referred earlier in this chapter, wasanxious about going to see his tutor. If someone asked him what he was anxiousabout, he would reply `I am anxious about being criticised by my tutor'. Thestatement `being criticised by my tutor' is an inference in that (a) it goes beyondthe data at hand; (b) it has personal meaning for Harry; (c) it may be accurate orinaccurate. Whether it is the `best bet' in the circumstances depends on howcritical Harry's tutor is in general.

Inference theme

When Harry made his inference about his tutor's criticism, we know that hefelt anxious. When people feel anxious they tend to do so because theyinfer some kind of threat to their personal domain. Therefore, we canassume that Harry's inference about his tutor's criticism was threat based.However, we also know that when people feel concerned (which is thehealthy alternative to anxiety), they also tend to do so because they infersome kind of threat to their personal domain. We can conclude from thisthat when you make an inference with a threat theme, you will feel eitheranxious or concerned, but without knowing anything more, the inference onits own will not help you know whether your emotion is anxiety or concern.

As you will see in the following chapters, when you experience one of thefollowing pairs of emotions, each emotion pairing is related to a speci®ctheme or themes concerned with your personal domain: anxiety vs. con-cern; depression vs. sadness; guilt vs. remorse; shame vs. disappointment;hurt vs. sorrow; unhealthy anger vs. healthy anger; unhealthy jealousy vs.healthy jealousy, and unhealthy envy vs. healthy envy. I will discuss andillustrate these themes in the relevant chapters.

It is useful to remind your clients at this point that an inferencedoes not create feelings. Rather, your clients have an emotion(either an unhealthy negative emotion or a healthy negative emo-tion) about this inference (in this case an adversity) and thehealthiness of the negative emotion is not determined by the


adversity. The adversity is the same whether the client's negativeemotion is healthy or unhealthy. What differentiates betweenunhealthy negative emotions (UNEs) and healthy negativeemotions (HNEs) are the beliefs that your clients hold about theinferences (i.e. adversities) that they make ± rigid and extreme (i.e.irrational) when they are disturbed (i.e. they have UNEs) and¯exible and non-extreme when they experience HNEs.

DISTINGUISHING EMOTIONAL PROBLEMSFROM THEIR HEALTHY ALTERNATIVES

In this section, I discuss in general how you can reliably distinguish emo-tional problems from their healthy alternatives. In the chapters that follow Idiscuss in detail how to distinguish the emotional problem in question withits speci®c healthy alternative.

Inference themes and beliefs

We know from the above that inference themes show you which of the eightemotional pairings you are experiencing (e.g. when your inference theme isthreat, you experience either anxiety or concern), but on their own they donot help you to distinguish which emotion you are experiencing within thepairing (i.e. you cannot tell by the inference theme of threat alone whetheryour emotion is anxiety or concern).

We also know that when you hold an irrational belief about an adversity(but we do not know the inference theme of that adversity), your emotionwill be unhealthy, but we don't know which of the eight emotional problemsyou experience. Conversely, we know that when you hold a rational beliefabout an adversity (again we do not know the inference theme of thatadversity), your emotion will be a healthy negative one, but again we don'tknow which of the eight healthy negative emotions you experience.

However, when we combine these two bits of information, we are in abetter position to distinguish speci®c emotional problems from theirhealthy alternatives. For example, if we know that the theme of your adver-sity is threat and you hold an irrational belief about that threat, we are wellplaced to conclude that you are experiencing anxiety. Similarly, if we knowthat the theme of your adversity is threat and you hold a rational beliefabout that threat, we are well placed to conclude that you are experiencingconcern. Putting this more succinctly:


Inference theme Rationality of belief Emotion

Threat Irrational Anxiety

Threat Rational Concern

If your clients already know something about RE(C)BT and arewondering how this ®ts with the `ABC' model, help them to see thatinferences (and inference themes) occur at `A' in the model, beliefsat `B' and emotions at `C'.

Associated behaviour

So far, I have mentioned one way of distinguishing between an emotionalproblem and its healthy negative emotion alternative is to take the theme ofwhat the person has feelings about with respect to the adversity that theyare facing and the belief that the person holds that accounts for theemotion. You have learned the following:

Adversity inference theme + irrational belief = emotional problemAdversity inference theme + rational belief = unhealthy negative emotion

Now when you hold a belief about an adversity, you don't just experience anemotion, you also experience a tendency to act in a certain way (known asan action tendency) which you may or may not convert into overt behaviour.

Thus, another way to tell if what you feel in a speci®c situation is anemotional problem or a healthy negative emotion is to examine how youacted or, if you did not take action, to examine your action tendency. Let meillustrate this when a person is trying to ®gure out whether the anger thatthey felt was negative and unhealthy, or negative but healthy.

Geraldine was angry with her boss when he did not recommend her forpromotion, an advancement which she considered that she thoroughly deserved.Geraldine considered that her boss had acted in a very unfair manner towardsher. Geraldine was unsure whether her anger was negative and unhealthy, ornegative but healthy, so she considered how she acted in the situation. This didnot help her because she did not take any action when she discovered the news,nor subsequently. Finally, she considered what she felt like doing, but did not do.Geraldine's action tendency was to scream abuse at her boss and to get revengeagainst him by getting him into trouble with his own boss. Such actiontendencies were clearly hostile in nature and showed Geraldine that her angerwas an emotional problem.


When you hold an irrational belief about an adversity, your behaviour (oraction tendencies) will tend to be dysfunctional and will prevent you fromdealing with the adversity in a constructive manner. Whereas, when youhold a rational belief about an adversity, your behaviour (or action tenden-cies) will tend to be functional and will help you to deal with the adversity ina constructive manner.

In the `ABC' model of RECBT, behaviours occur at `C' and areknown as behavioural consequences of beliefs. Dysfunctionalbehaviours are consequences of irrational beliefs and functionalbehaviours are consequences of rational beliefs.

Associated thinking

The ®nal way of determining whether you are experiencing an emotionalproblem or a healthy negative emotion about an adversity is to inspectthe thinking that is associated with the emotion. This is different from theinference that you made about the situation that constituted your adversity.Such thinking has not yet been processed by your beliefs. The thinking thatI am referring to here is the thinking that is associated with your emotion.This is the thinking that has been produced when your adversity has beenprocessed by your beliefs. When your adversity has been processed byirrational beliefs, the thinking that results is very likely to be highly distortedand skewed to the negative in content and ruminative in nature. However,when this adversity has been processed by rational beliefs, the thinking thatresults is very likely to be realistic and balanced in content and non-ruminative in nature. David Burns, a leading cognitive therapist, ®rstoutlined in his book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (Burns 1980) alist of thinking errors ± which are by nature highly distorted and skewed tothe negative ± that people make when they have processed adversities withirrational beliefs. I outline and illustrate some of these thinking errors andtheir realistic and balanced alternatives in Appendix 1. You should consultthis list if you are unsure whether the thinking you engage in when you areexperiencing an emotion is realistic and balanced or highly distorted andskewed to the negative.

Let me illustrate all this with reference to another person who is trying to®gure out whether the anger that she felt was negative and unhealthy ornegative, but healthy.


Francine (a co-worker of Geraldine) was also angry with her boss when he didnot recommend her for promotion, an advancement which she considered thatshe thoroughly deserved. Francine considered that her boss had acted in a veryunfair manner towards her. Francine was unsure whether her anger was negativeand unhealthy, or negative but healthy, so she considered how she thought in thesituation. She thought about asserting herself with her boss after planning whatto say. After she had done this she made an appointment to see her boss and inthe days that followed until the meeting, she thought about the issue in passing,but did not ruminate on the issue. Given that Francine's thinking that went alongwith her anger was realistic and balanced and non-ruminative in nature, sheconsidered that her anger was a healthy negative emotion and not an emotionalproblem.

In the ÀBC' model of RECBT, thinking can occur:

At À' where it occurs as inferences that your client focuses on. These may beaccurate or distorted. If the latter, they are less distorted than the thinkingthat occurs at `C', when it stems from irrational beliefs.

At `B' where your client processes these inferences with either irrational (i.e.rigid and extreme) beliefs or rational (i.e. ¯exible and non-extreme) beliefs.

At `C' where it is considered as thinking consequences of irrational beliefs andis also inferential in nature. Skewed and highly distorted ruminative thoughtsare the thinking consequences of irrational beliefs, whereas realistic andbalanced non-ruminative thoughts are the thinking consequences of rationalbeliefs.

This shows that thinking occurs throughout the ÀBC' model. Ifyour clients are confused about the ubiquitous nature of thinking,you can use the above information with an appropriate exampleto clarify it for them.

Let me summarise the points that I have made in this section and theprevious one on behaviour and add it to the material that I presented on p. 15

Adversity inference theme + irrational belief = emotional problem

Unconstructive behaviour andaction tendencies

Highly distorted thinking thatis skewed to the negative andruminative in nature


Adversity inference theme + rational belief = healthy negative emotion

Constructive behaviour andaction tendencies

Realistic and balanced thinkingthat is non-ruminative innature

In the chapters that follow, I employ a similar structure. First, I outline themajor factors that need to be considered when understanding the emo-tional problem under focus. Second, I show you what steps you need totake in order to change each emotional problem to an appropriate healthynegative emotion. Finally, I discuss what you need to do make yourself lessprone to whatever emotional problems you are particularly susceptible to.Throughout each chapter, I illustrate the major points whenever relevant.


Dealing with anxiety

In this chapter, I begin by presenting RECBT's way of understandinganxiety and then address how to deal with this very common emotionalproblem.

UNDERSTANDING ANXIETY

In understanding anxiety, we need to know what we tend to make ourselvesanxious about (i.e. its major inference theme), what beliefs we hold, how weact or tend to act, and how we think when we are anxious.

A major point for practitioners who use this guide with clients toconsider concerns language and I return to this theme a number oftimes in this Practitioner's Guide. Basically, it is my contentionthat the working alliance between clients and RECBT therapists isstrengthened when they both use language that is most mean-ingful to clients rather than language that is typically used todescribe concepts in RECBT theory and practice (Dryden 2009a). Ifyou are a novice RECBT therapist, you are especially prone to use`RECBT' language rather than language with which the clientresonates (see Dryden 2009b) and you should pay particular atten-tion to this issue when you work with your clients who are usingthe Client's Guide. In addition, discuss this issue when listening todigital voice recordings of your therapy sessions with yoursupervisor.

With respect to the term ànxiety', you need to be aware that notall clients with an ànxiety' problem resonate with the termànxiety'. They may identify more closely with synonyms such as`fear', `being scared', `feeling insecure' or `feeling threatened'. If so,your task is to satisfy yourself and your client that these termsrepresent the unhealthy negative emotion known in RECBT asanxiety. Once you have done so, use the client's language and writethis down in your client's notes.

2

Major inference themes in anxiety

When you are anxious, you are facing or think you are facing a threat tosome aspect of your personal domain (see p. 15). There are different formsof anxiety which I list in Table 1 together with the typical threats that featurein them.

Some clients may not resonate with the term `threat' concerningthe theme about which they are anxious. If this is the case, youmay suggest `danger' or `risk' as possible synonyms. The importantthing here, as mentioned above, is that you and your clients use theterm that makes most sense to them and not the term that is usedmost often in the `RECBT' literature.

Irrational beliefs

As I explained in Chapter 1, according to RECBT, an inference of threat thatyou make does not account for your emotional problem of anxiety. It ispossible for you to make the same inference and be healthily concerned, but

Table 1 Different types of anxiety and their major inference themes

Type of anxiety Typical threats

Social anxiety Acting poorly in a social setting (e.g. revealing that youare anxious; saying something stupid; not knowing whatto say)

Being judged negatively by people

Health anxiety Being uncertain that a symptom that you have is notmalignant

Generalised anxiety A general sense that you do not know that you are safe

A general sense that something may happen which willresult in you losing self-control in some way

Thinking that you become anxious

Public speakinganxiety

Performing poorly while the focus of the audience is onyou (e.g. going blank; revealing that you are anxious)

Being judged negatively by people

Test anxiety Doing poorly on the test

Going blank

Panic Not knowing that you will regain self-control immediatelyin a situation where you have begun to lose it

23Dealing with anxiety

not anxious. In order for you to feel anxious when you infer the presence ofthreat to your personal domain, you have to hold an irrational belief. Whenyou think irrationally you hold a rigid belief and one or more extreme beliefs.While the rigid belief is at the core of anxiety, the extreme beliefs that arederived from the rigid belief often distinguish between whether you areexperiencing ego anxiety (where you depreciate yourself ) and non-egoanxiety (where you `awfulise' or ®nd the adversity intolerable). You may, ofcourse, experience both ego anxiety and non-ego anxiety in a given situation.

If your clients are unsure about the mediating role that irrationalbeliefs play in their anxiety, ask them how they would feel if theyreally believed the rational alternatives to what RECBT holds aretheir anxiety creating irrational beliefs. In using this strategy, it isimportant that you formulate the rational beliefs for your clientswho cannot be expected to do this for themselves at this stage.When you do this, ensure that you match your clients' rigid beliefwith a ¯exible alternative and their main extreme belief with anon-extreme alternative, and then ask them how they would feel ifthey had strong conviction in this rational belief.

For example: `If you really believed that you wanted to pass thetest, but did not have to do so and that if you failed it, that wouldbe bad, but it would prove that you were fallible and not a failure,how would you feel about the prospect of failing the test?'

Once your clients can see that they would feel differently, go backand help them relate their irrational beliefs to anxiety and theirrational beliefs to concern.

This is quite an elegant strategy since it accomplishes a numberof things at once:

1. It addresses your clients' doubts about the mediating role of irrational beliefsin anxiety if they have such concern.

2. It introduces rational beliefs as a meaningful alternative to these irrationalbeliefs.

3. It helps your clients to see that holding rational beliefs can have bene®cialeffects.

Behaviour associated with anxiety

When you hold an irrational belief about a threat to your personal domain,you feel anxious and you will act or tend to act in a number of ways, themost common of which are as follows:


You avoid the threat.

You withdraw physically from the threat.

You ward off the threat (e.g. by rituals or superstitious behaviour).

You try to neutralise the threat (e.g. by being nice to people of whom you are afraid).

You distract yourself from the threat by engaging in other activity.

You keep checking on the current status of the threat hoping to ®nd that it hasdisappeared or become benign.

You seek reassurance from others that the threat is benign.

You seek support from others so that if the threat happens they will handle it or bethere to rescue you.

You overprepare in order to minimise the threat happening or so that you areprepared to meet it (NB it is the overpreparation that is the problem here).

You tranquillise your feelings so that you don't think about the threat.

You overcompensate for feeling vulnerable by seeking out an even greater threat toprove to yourself that you can cope.

You will see from the above list that the main purpose of most of thesebehaviours (and action tendencies) is to keep you safe from the threat.However, such safety-seeking behaviour is largely responsible for themaintenance of anxiety since it prevents you either from facing up to thesituation in which you think that the threat exists and dealing with the threatif it does exist, or from seeing that your inference of threat is inaccurate.

Overcompensation is particularly worthy of comment. Some people areintolerant of the feeling of vulnerability or non-coping that they experiencewhen they are anxious. They seek safety from the threat of non-coping byproving to themselves in actuality that they can cope with a greater threat.This is like a competition high jumper electing to jump a much greaterheight than the one at which she has twice failed. This is still a safety-seeking measure because the person seeks safety from the smaller threatby proving to herself that she can cope with the bigger threat.

Encouraging your clients to surrender their safety-seeking beha-viour is a very important part of helping them to deal with theiranxiety effectively. Consequently, you need to enquire speci®cally ifthey have any doubts, reservations or objections to doing so. Whenthey express such doubts, it is important that you strive to under-stand their sources and deal with them effectively. If you fail to dothis, their continued use of these safety-seeking measures will


undermine the development and maintenance of their healthyrational beliefs about threat.

You will ®nd that most clients' doubts about surrendering theuse of safety-seeking behaviours centre on their need to feelimmediately safe from threat. When some clients understand thisdynamic, they see what they need to do and this understanding issuf®cient for them to commit themselves to the idea of toleratingthe discomfort of feeling anxious while they learn to deal with thethreat without using safety-seeking behaviours. Other clients aremuch more reluctant to surrender the use of safety-seeking beha-viours, and with these clients you will need to target for change theirrational belief that underpins their reluctance (e.g. `I must feelsafe at all times and I can't bear it when I don't'). Once theseclients have begun to develop and strengthen the rational alter-native to this irrational belief, they begin to become more open tofacing threat without using safety-seeking behaviour.

Thinking associated with anxiety

When you hold an irrational belief about a threat to your personal domain,you will feel anxious and think in a number of ways. Remember what I saidin Chapter 1: the thinking that accompanies your anxiety is the result ofyour threat being processed by your irrational belief and therefore it is likelyto contain a number of thinking errors that I present in Appendix 1. Thereare two types of post-irrational belief thinking which are important for youto understand:

threat-exaggerating thinking

safety-seeking thinking.

It is important to note that in both types of post-irrational belief thinking,such thinking may be in words or in mental images.

Threat-exaggerating thinking

In the ®rst type of post-irrational belief thinking that is associated withanxiety ± which I have called threat-exaggerating thinking ± you elaborateand magnify the threat and its consequences in your mind as shown below:


You overestimate the probability of the threat occurring.

You underestimate your ability to cope with the threat.

You ruminate about the threat.

You create an even more negative threat in your mind.

You magnify the negative consequences of the threat and minimise its positiveconsequences.

You have more task-irrelevant thoughts than in concern.

Safety-seeking thinking

The second type of post-irrational belief thinking that is associated withanxiety is the thinking version of behaviour that is designed to keep yousafe in the moment. I call this form of thinking safety-seeking thinking. Hereare some common examples:

You withdraw mentally from the threat.

You try to persuade yourself that the threat is not imminent and that you are`imagining' it.

You think in ways designed to reassure yourself that the threat is benign, or if not,that its consequences will be insigni®cant.

You distract yourself from the threat, e.g. by focusing on mental scenes of safety andwell-being.

You overprepare mentally in order to minimise the threat happening or so that youare prepared to meet it (NB once again it is the overpreparation that is the problemhere).

You picture yourself dealing with the threat in a masterful way.

You overcompensate for your feeling of vulnerability by picturing yourself dealingeffectively with an even bigger threat.

In the ®nal two forms of thinking, the person is seeking safety from thethreat of non-coping by mentally creating images of masterful coping.

One important point to note about these two forms of post-irrationalthinking is that they are quite different: in one you elaborate and magnifythe threat and in the other you are thinking of ways to protect yourselfagainst the threat. You can, and people often do, switch rapidly betweenthese different forms of thinking. The more your safety-seeking thinkingfails, the more you will mentally elaborate and magnify the threat, and themore you do the latter, the more you will try to search mentally for safety.


The following points are relevant to safety-seeking thinking. I willconsider threat-exaggerating thinking directly after. The pointsthat I made about safety-seeking behaviour are also relevant tosafety-seeking thinking. It is important for clients to understandthat such thinking is designed to keep them safe in the immediatesituation, but in doing so they do not get the experience that theyneed of facing and dealing with their threat while holdingrational beliefs. However, while they can readily understand theconcept of not acting in ways that are designed to seek immediatesafety from threat, they are usually more confused concerningwhat to do with safety-seeking thinking when such thoughts comeinto their mind. I recommend using the following strategy:

Encourage your clients to acknowledge the existence of the thought withouttrying to suppress it or to distract themselves from it. Explain that if they tryto suppress the thought, they may unwittingly make it more likely to come intotheir mind and if they distract themselves from it, they are not dealing with it.

Encourage your clients not to engage with the thought. For example, if yourclients are anxious about other people doing better on an exam than them, theymay try to neutralise this by thinking: `I'm sure I will do as well as most of theothers'. If they engage with this thought, they will feel reassured. If they do notengage with the thought, they won't feel reassured, but will have the oppor-tunity of either rehearsing their rational belief about the threat brie¯y orgetting on with whatever they would be doing if they did not have the thought(e.g. revising for the exam) even though they feel anxious or uncomfortable inthe moment.

If a client is unclear about what non-engagement with a thoughtinvolves, you may need to use an analogy such as the one below,which I present as if I am talking directly to a client.

How not to engage with a thought: an analogy

You may well ®nd it dif®cult to grasp the idea of having a thoughtwithout engaging with it, so here is an analogy that you may ®ndhelpful. Imagine that you are walking down a high street and acharity worker approaches you and tries to engage you in a con-versation about a local charity. You know that the charity workerwants you to sign a direct debit form whereby you pay a regularsum every month to the charity. Now, let's suppose that you neitherwant to give to the charity nor want to talk to the person. What isthe best way of stopping the person from talking to you without


being overtly rude to him? My view is that the best way to do this isnot to respond to the person. As you continue down the road, thecharity worker walks beside you and you are aware of what he issaying but you say nothing in return. You give the person no eyecontact nor show him any recognition that he is there. If you takethis tack, after a short while the person will stop pursuing you.This is the approach you need to take with your safety-seekingthoughts. Acknowledge that they are present, continue with whatyou are doing while not engaging with the thoughts and withouttrying to get rid of them.

The following points are relevant to helping your clients dealwith threat-exaggerating thinking if they raise questions abouthow to deal with this form of cognitive consequences of irrationalbeliefs:

Encourage your clients to recognise the existence of such thoughts and dis-courage them from trying to suppress them or to distract themselves from them.

Help them to understand that these thoughts are the products of still activeirrational beliefs and are not plausible predictions about what is about tohappen, no matter what feelings accompany such thoughts.

Encourage them either to brie¯y rehearse their rational beliefs about thethreat and/or get on with whatever they would be doing if they did not have thethought.

HOW TO DEAL WITH ANXIETY

If you are prone to anxiety, you tend to experience this emotional problemin a variety of different settings and in response to a variety of threats. Hereis how to deal with anxiety so that you become less prone to it.

Step 1: Identify reasons why anxiety is a problem foryou and why you want to change

While anxiety is generally regarded as an emotional problem, it is useful foryou to spell out reasons why anxiety is a problem for you and why you wantto change. I suggest that you keep a written list of these reasons and referto it as needed as a reminder of why you are engaged in a self-helpprogramme. I discuss the healthy alternative to anxiety in Step 4.


If your clients are still undecided whether or not anxiety is aproblem for them and/or whether or not they want to change, youwill need to carry out a more thorough assessment of the possiblefactors involved. This is known as a cost-bene®t analysis where youencourage your clients to detail the perceived short-term andlonger-term advantages and disadvantages of their anxiety and oftheir concern (the healthy alternative to anxiety). Respond to anyperceived advantages of anxiety and perceived disadvantages ofconcern, correcting any misconceptions that your clients reveal onthese issues.

Let me start with the issue of a client who is unsure if anxiety is aproblem for her. It is useful to start by asking her to spell out waysin which anxiety is a problem for her and ways in which anxiety isnot a problem for her. In the latter case, you may well discoverthat your client thinks that anxiety can be helpful to her in certainways (e.g. that it motivates her or that it helps her to spot thepresence of certain threats). If so, the client understands thatconcern (to which the client will be introduced presently as thehealthy emotional alternative to anxiety) will do the job that theclient thinks anxiety does for her but without the detrimental`side-effects' of anxiety. For example, I often say to clients thatanxiety is motivating in the same way that a headless chicken ismotivated to ®nd its head (i.e. with frenzied activity, but withoutfocus). Concern, on the other hand, motivates a client, but in afocused manner and without the frenzy. In addition, you can helpyour client to consider what for her are the positives and negativesof concern. For example, some people say that concern is too weakto be a plausible alternative to anxiety. In which case you need toshow the person that concern can vary in intensity and if she isvery anxious, she can be very concerned, but unanxious.

Now, what if your client acknowledges that anxiety is a problem,but is ambivalent about targeting it for change? The main strategyis to understand her ambivalence. It may be that she does not see aclear alternative to anxiety, in which case you need to teach herwhat RECBT has to say about concern as a healthy alternative toanxiety. It also may be that anxiety has positive features for theclient, at least from her frame of reference. In which case, you canrespond as suggested above.

Time spent on helping your clients to be clear and unambivalentabout anxiety being a problem for them so that they can fullycommit themselves to the process of RECBT is time well spent.


Step 2: Take responsibility for your anxiety

In RECBT, we argue that people or things do not make you anxious; ratheryou create these feelings by the rigid and extreme beliefs that you hold aboutsuch people and things. You may object that this involves you blamingyourself for creating your anxious feelings, but this objection is based on amisconception. It assumes that taking responsibility for creating youranxiety is synonymous with self-blame. In truth, responsibility means thatyou take ownership for the irrational beliefs that underpin your anxiety whileaccepting yourself for doing so. Blame, on the other hand, means that youregard yourself as worthless for creating your anxiety.

The idea that emotional problems (including anxiety) are basedlargely on the way that a person thinks about what happens tothem may be a familiar one in the professional ®eld of counsellingand psychotherapy, but it is still an eye-opener to many clients.Thus, your clients may hold that the reason they are anxious, forexample, is that the person they are anxious about is truly scary orthat driving tests or going to the dentist are inherently frightening.This type of thinking is known in RECBT circles as À-C' thinking(where events are deemed to cause feelings). By contrast, theRECBT model stresses the ÀBC' model, where the impact of eventson a person is mediated by the beliefs that they hold about theseevents. The ÀBC' model holds that the person needs to takeresponsibility for creating their feelings of anxiety by holding a setof irrational beliefs.

If your clients have dif®culty accepting responsibility for theiranxious feelings, it is important for you to identify and deal withthe source of this dif®culty. In the Client's Guide, I mention onecommon obstacle that stops clients from accepting such respon-sibility (i.e. the self-blame that clients engage in if they acceptresponsibility for making themselves anxious). However, there areother obstacles to accepting responsibility, such as the following:

Hopelessness about self-help (e.g. Ì can't do anything to help myself?).

Self-pity (e.g. Ìt's not me that makes me anxious, it's the lousy situation that Iam in and that I don't deserve to be in').

Loss of bene®ts (e.g. Ìf I accept that I make myself anxious then I will lose outon the bene®ts that blaming my environment gives me ± such as being sparedfrom doing dif®cult or potentially threatening tasks to do at work').


It is important to help your clients to understand the impact ofthese obstacles on their emotional problems. Then, help them todevelop alternatives to these obstacles and review the impact ofthese alternatives on their emotional problem-solving. This oftenhelps clients to deal effectively with these obstacles. If not, you mayneed to do a more detailed assessment of the obstacle, which isoutside the brief of this book.

Step 3: Identify the threats you tend to be anxiousabout

The best way of identifying which threats you are particularly vulnerable tois to ask yourself whether or not such threats are to your self-esteem.

Major threats to self-esteem

The prospect of failure

The prospect of being disapproved

The prospect of being rejected

The prospect of losing status.

Major threats that do not involve your self-esteem

The prospect of losing self-control

Uncertainty that one is not safe from threat

The prospect of experiencing discomfort

The prospect of loss of order

The prospect of experiencing certain internal processes (e.g. unwanted thoughts,feelings, images and urges).

Use the above list to identify the themes which you ®nd threatening.

If your clients ®nd it dif®cult to ®nd their threat related theme, youcan help them by assessing a few speci®c examples of their anxiety.Have them focus on a speci®c situation in which they were anxiousand ask them what they were most anxious about or found mostthreatening in the situation. If they still ®nd it dif®cult to identify


the threat in this or other speci®c situations, use the `magic ques-tion' technique. This involves you doing the following:

Have your clients focus on the situation in which they were anxious.

Ask them to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantlyreduce their anxiety without changing the situation.

The opposite of this nominated ingredient is what they are most anxiousabout.

Hilda was struggling to identify the speci®c threat in her dental anxiety. Ihelped Hilda to use the `magic question' technique as follows:

I asked Hilda to focus on the situation in which she was anxious:Ì am waiting to be called into the dentist's surgery.'

I asked Hilda to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®-cantly reduce her anxiety without changing the situation:Ì would not have thoughts about the drill cutting my tongue.'

The opposite of this nominated ingredient was what she is most anxiousabout:`Having thoughts about the drill cutting my tongue.'

If you assess a number of speci®c examples of your clients' anxietyin this way, the threat related theme should be apparent. InHilda's case, it was having thoughts about external dangers hap-pening to her when she was in a vulnerable position.

Step 4: Identify the three components of your anxietyresponse and set goals with respect to eachcomponent

The next step is for you to list the three elements of your anxiety responsein the face of each of the threats listed above.

Identify the three components of your anxiety response

I use the term ànxiety response' to describe the three main componentsthat make up this response. The three components of your anxiety responseare the emotional, behavioural and thinking components.


Emotional component

The emotional component is, of course, anxiety.

Behavioural component

The behavioural component concerns overt behaviour or action tenden-cies. These will be largely safety-seeking in nature. Consult the list that Iprovided to help you identify your behaviour associated with each themewhen you are anxious (see p. 25).

Thinking component

The thinking component concerns theme-exaggerated thinking or safety-seeking thinking. These may be in words or in mental pictures. Consult thelist that I provided to help you identify your thinking associated with eachtheme when you are anxious (see pp. 26±27).

Set goals with respect to each of the three components

You need to set goals so that you know what you are striving for when youdeal effectively with anxiety. The three goals are emotional, behavioural andthinking goals.

Emotional goal

Your emotional goal is concern rather than anxiety (or whatever synonymyou prefer to the term `concern'). Concern is a healthy negative emotionwhich is an appropriate response to threat, but one which helps you toprocess what has happened to you and move on with your life rather thanget stuck or bogged down.

The concept that concern is the healthy alternative to anxiety inthe face of threat is based on the following idea. Threat is negativeand therefore it is realistic to have a negative emotion about it.The choice, therefore, is between an unhealthy negative emotion(anxiety) or a healthy negative emotion (concern). But what ifyour clients specify unrealistic goals? Here are a number of suchgoals and how to respond to clients who nominate them:


Ì don't want to feel anxious.'Show your clients that they have indicated what they do not want to feel in theface of threat, but not what they do want to feel. Help them to specify anemotion to aim for like concern!

Ì want to feel less anxious.'Show your clients that as anxiety is a disturbed emotion, wanting to feel lessanxious is still to nominate a disturbed emotion, albeit of lesser intensity.Concern can be strong and healthy.

Ì want to be cool and calm.'Show your clients that if they are facing a threat (or think that they are), theyneed to be alert, aroused and geared up to deal with it. Being cool or calm maybe attractive states for your clients, but show them that these states are notappropriate when they are facing threat. Show them that being concerned, butnot anxious in the face of threat, will gear them up without overstimulatingthem (as would be the case if they were anxious).

Ì want to feel indifferent.'Being indifferent in the face of threat will also not help your clients to beappropriately geared up to deal with it. Help them to see this. Also show themthat the only way that they could achieve a state of indifference about threat isto believe that it does not matter to them if the threat exists or not. In otherwords, show them that they would have to lie to themselves.

Ì want to be in control.'Anxiety is a state where you are not fully in control of yourself. As a result, itseems entirely acceptable for clients to nominate `being in control' as some-thing to aim for when they are anxious. This seems entirely reasonable, but youneed to be on your guard when your clients nominate such a goal. Dealing withanxiety is counterintuitive. Thus, achieving a sense of being in control in theface of threat involves your clients tolerating not being in self-control. Someclients hold irrational beliefs about self-control and if they bring such beliefsto the task of dealing with anxiety, it will lead them to be more anxious. If yourclients do have such a rigid belief about self-control, you will need to target thisbelief for change. In doing so, you need to help them see the difference betweenself-control as a goal and self-control as a means to achieve this goal. Yourclients need to learn that tolerance of not being in self-control is the best wayof achieving self-control. Be aware though that this is likely to be an alienconcept for them and one that will need a lot of discussion and debunking ofmisconceptions on your part. This is de®nitely an issue that you should(ideally) take to supervision.

Behavioural goal

Your behavioural goal should re¯ect actions that are based on concernabout the threat rather than anxiety. The following are the most commonbehaviours associated with concern rather than anxiety. You may wish to


compare these behaviours with those associated with anxiety that Ipresented on p. 25.

You face up to the threat without using any safety-seeking measures.

You take constructive action to deal with the threat.

You seek support from others to help you face up to the threat and then takeconstructive action by yourself rather than rely on them to handle it for you so thatthey will handle it or to be there to rescue you.

You prepare to meet the threat but do not overprepare.

You will note that this list is much shorter than the list outlining thebehaviours that are associated with anxiety. The reason is that when youseek safety from threat there are far more ways of doing so than when youface up to the threat.

It is important that your clients understand that as they strive todevelop healthy behavioural responses to threat, they will still feelthe urge to act in ways designed to help keep them safe fromthreat. Help them to understand the reason for this. Explain tothem that as they question their beliefs and commit themselves tostrengthening their conviction in their rational beliefs and toweakening their conviction in their irrational beliefs, their irra-tional beliefs will still be active and producing urges for them toact dysfunctionally. Encourage your clients to accept these urges,to recognise that they do not have to act on them and to use themas cues to act in functional ways.

Thinking goal

As well as setting behavioural goals related to the feeling of concern in theface of threat, it is important that you set thinking goals associated with thisemotion. The following are the most common forms of thinking associatedwith concern rather than anxiety. Again you may wish to compare theseforms of thinking with those associated with anxiety that I presented onpp. 26±27.

You are realistic about the probability of the threat occurring.

You view the threat realistically.

You realistically appraise your ability to cope with the threat.


You think about what to do concerning dealing with threat constructively rather thanruminate about the threat.

You have more task-relevant thoughts than in anxiety.

As the above list shows, the dominant feature of thinking associated withconcern is that it is realistic and coping focused. Thus, when you areconcerned, but not anxious, you do not elaborate or magnify the threat andnor do you mentally seek safety from it. Please remember that such thinkingmay be in words or in mental pictures.

The point I made above with respect to clients' behavioural goals isalso relevant with respect to their thinking goals. Clients will stillhave some conviction in their irrational beliefs until they have fullconviction in their rational beliefs. Given this, your clients' irra-tional beliefs will have some impact on their subsequent thinkingas they strive to achieve their goals. Thus, highly distorted and/orsafety-seeking thoughts will still come into your clients' minds.Help your clients to understand why this is the case. When youcome to help them deal with these forms of post-irrational beliefthinking, do one or more of the following as indicated. Discuss thisissue with your RECBT supervisor, if necessary:

Encourage your clients to acknowledge the existence of such thoughts withouttrying to suppress them, distract themselves from them or engage with them.

If relevant, use the presence of this post-irrational belief thinking to help yourclients to identify and deal with the irrational beliefs.

Question the empirical nature of these thinking `C's' once or twice and thenreturn to the acceptance strategy detailed above.

Step 5: Identify your general irrational beliefs andalternative general rational beliefs

A general irrational belief is an irrational belief that you hold acrosssituations de®ned by the theme that you ®nd threatening. It accounts foryour anxiety response. Its rational alternative, which will also be general innature, will account for your concern response.

I suggest that you identify both sets of beliefs at this point for a numberof reasons (as follows). Doing so will help you to


see quickly what the alternatives to your irrational beliefs are

see that you can achieve your goals by acquiring and developing your rational beliefs

get the most out of questioning your beliefs later.

Identify your general irrational beliefs

When you identify a general irrational belief, you take a common theme(e.g. criticism or loss of self-control) and add to this a general rigid beliefand the main extreme belief that is derived from the rigid belief. Note thefollowing:

If you are particularly prone to self-esteem based anxiety, your main extreme beliefwill be a self-depreciation belief.

For anxiety that is non-self-esteem based, your main extreme belief will either be anawfulising belief or a discomfort intolerance belief, and less frequently it may be another-depreciation belief or a life-depreciation belief.

For example:

Ì must not be criticised and if I am it would prove that I am worthless' (a general self-esteem based irrational belief ).

Ì must not lose self-control and it would be awful if I do' (a general non-self-esteembased irrational belief ).

Identify your alternative general rational beliefs

When you identify your alternative general rational belief, you take the samecommon theme (e.g. criticism or loss of self-control) and add to this ageneral ¯exible belief and the main non-extreme belief that is derived fromthe ¯exible belief. Note the following:

If your general extreme belief is self-depreciation (when you are particularly prone toself-esteem based anxiety), then your general non-extreme belief will be a self-acceptance belief.

If you are prone to non-self-esteem based anxiety, then your alternative general non-extreme beliefs will be a non-awfulising belief, a discomfort tolerance belief and lessfrequently an other-acceptance belief or a life-acceptance belief.

For example:

Ì would prefer not to be criticised, but I don't have to be immune from criticism. If Iam criticised, it would be unpleasant, but it would not prove that I am worthless. I amthe same fallible human being whether I am criticised or not' (a general self-acceptance based rational belief ).


`I would much prefer not to lose self-control, but that doesn't mean that I must not doso. If I do lose self-control, it would be very bad, but it would not be awful' (a generalnon-awfulising based rational belief ).

As you will have noticed in the Client's Guide, I encourage readersto identify and work with their general irrational beliefs and todevelop general rational beliefs and, as you will see, when they arefacing speci®c instances of their problems, I encourage them tofocus on speci®c examples of both sets of beliefs. This will be atvariance with your RECBT practice, where you will begin withspeci®c examples of your clients' problems and then proceed towork at a more general level with their problems and how theserelate to one another.

The reason I have chosen to go `general' rather than `speci®c'when helping readers to deal with their emotional problems is apragmatic one. In this book, I aim to help people to deal with arange of emotional problems and therefore, in my view, it is best togive readers general guidance with respect to dealing with thisrange of problems and then help them to move from the general tothe speci®c rather than vice versa. My considered view was that Ijust do not have the space to help readers focus on speci®c examplesof their emotional problems and then generalise from this speci®clevel.

Consequently, one way that you can help your clients who areusing the Client's Guide is to help them to work with speci®cexamples of their emotional problem, in this case anxiety. Use thefollowing sequence as you do so and help your clients to

select a speci®c example of their anxiety problem

express why their anxiety constitutes a problem for them

identify what they were most anxious about in the situation

identify the three speci®c components of their anxiety response and set speci®cgoals with respect to each component

identify their speci®c irrational beliefs and alternative speci®c rational beliefs

question their speci®c beliefs.

In helping your clients to deal with a speci®c example of theiranxiety, you can teach them how to use RECBT's ABCD form,which appears in Appendix 6.


The following steps are the same as those that appear in Steps7±10 later in this chapter. Thus, help your clients to

face their threat in imagery (if necessary)

face their threat in vivo (i.e. in reality), if possible, and take appropriateaction

capitalise on what they learned

generalise their learning.

Step 6: Question your general beliefs

While there are many ways of questioning your general irrational beliefsand general rational beliefs, in the same way, in my view the most ef®cientway involves you ®rst questioning together your general rigid belief and itsgeneral ¯exible belief alternative and then questioning together yourgeneral extreme belief and your general non-extreme belief.

Question your general rigid belief and its general flexiblebelief alternative

First, take your general rigid belief and its general ¯exible belief alternativeand write them down next to one another on a sheet of paper. Then askyourself:

Which is true and which is false?

Which is sensible logically and which does not make sense?

Which has largely constructive results and which has largely unconstructive results?

Write down your answer to each of these questions on your piece of paper,giving reasons for each answer. Consult Appendix 2 for help with theanswers to these questions, which you need to adapt and apply to thebeliefs you are questioning.

Question your general extreme belief and its general non-extreme belief alternative

Next, take your general extreme belief and its general non-extreme beliefalternative and again write them down next to one another on a sheet ofpaper. Then, ask yourself the same three questions that you used with your


general rigid belief and its general ¯exible belief alternative. Again writedown your answer to each of these questions on your piece of paper, givingreasons for each answer. I suggest that you consult Appendix 3 (for helpwith questioning awfulising beliefs and non-awfulising beliefs), Appendix 4(for help with questioning discomfort intolerance beliefs and discomforttolerance beliefs) and Appendix 5 (for help with questioning depreciationbeliefs and unconditional acceptance beliefs). Again, you need to adaptand apply these arguments to the beliefs you are questioning.

You should now be ready to commit to acting and thinking in waysconsistent with your general rational belief. For unless you do so, you willnot strengthen your conviction in this belief.

I included Appendices 2±5 in the Client's Guide as general guide-lines to help readers to question their irrational and rationalbeliefs (reproduced in this book as Appendices 2±5. If you areworking with clients who are using the Client's Guide, you willhave a chance to look at the questioning work that your clientshave done at this point and give them feedback on that work. Nobook can provide such feedback.

I have suggested that readers question their rigid belief and their¯exible belief together and then their main extreme belief and non-extreme belief equivalent together using three criteria as shownbelow:

Rigid belief vs. ¯exible belief

empirical status

logical status

pragmatic status

Main extreme belief vs. main non-extreme belief

empirical status

logical status

pragmatic status.

However, there are other ways of questioning beliefs as shownbelow. When using the Client's Guide with your clients, outlinethese other approaches in case they do not resonate with theapproach I put forward in the Client's Guide. The important pointis that your clients use all three arguments with each of theirirrational and irrational beliefs.


Rigid belief

empirical status

logical status

pragmatic status

Flexible belief

empirical status

logical status

pragmatic status

Main extreme belief

empirical status

logical status

pragmatic status

Main non-extreme belief

empirical status

logical status

pragmatic status.

And also:

Rigid belief

empirical status

Flexible belief

empirical status

Rigid belief

logical status

Flexible belief

logical status

Rigid belief

pragmatic status

Flexible belief

pragmatic status

Main extreme belief

empirical status



empirical status

Main extreme belief

logical status


logical status

Main extreme belief

pragmatic status


pragmatic status.

The ®nal point I want to make about questioning beliefs concernsthe concept of persuasiveness. Perhaps the most important aspectof the questioning process is for your clients to develop argumentsconcerning the irrationality of their irrational beliefs and therationality of their rational beliefs that are persuasive to them. So,encourage your clients to develop such persuasive arguments andto make a note of these for future reference.

Step 7: Face your threat in imagery

I hope that you have made a commitment to act on your general rationalbeliefs (i.e. ¯exible belief and relevant non-extreme belief ). Assuming thatyou have, your basic task is to face up to your threat while not using anyof the safety-seeking behavioural measures that you employed to keepyourself safe from the threat when you were anxious.

Up to this point you have worked at a general level with respect to thethreats you are anxious about, the general irrational beliefs that account forthis anxiety and their alternative general rational beliefs. However, whenyou come to apply your general rational beliefs in dealing with your threats,you need to bear in mind one important point. Since you make yourselfanxious about threats in speci®c situations (actual or imagined), you needto deal with these speci®c threats by rehearsing speci®c variants of yourgeneral rational beliefs.

While the best way to do this is in speci®c situations in which you inferthreat, you may derive bene®t from using imagery ®rst. If this is the case,you need to do the following:


Imagine a speci®c situation in which you felt anxious or may feel anxious and focuson your threat.

See yourself facing the threat while rehearsing a speci®c rational belief relevant tothe situation. As you do this, try to make yourself feel concerned, rather thananxious.

Then see yourself take action without using the safety-seeking behavioural measuresyou would generally use if you were anxious. Make your picture realistic. Imagineyourself experiencing the urge to use your safety-seeking behaviours, but not doingso. Also, picture yourself acting functionally, but with a faltering performance ratherthan a masterful one.

Recognise that some of your post-belief thinking may be distorted. Respond to itwithout getting bogged down doing so. Accept the presence of any remainingdistorted thoughts without engaging with them.

Repeat the above steps until you feel suf®ciently ready to put this sequence intopractice in your life.

If you ®nd that facing your threat, in your mind's eye, is too much for you,use a principle that I call `challenging, but not overwhelming'. This meansthat instead of imagining yourself facing a threat that you ®nd `over-whelming' at the present time, choose a similar threat to face that youwould ®nd `challenging, but not overwhelming'. Then employ the samesteps that I have outlined above. Work in this way with modi®ed threatsuntil you ®nd your original threat `challenging, but not overwhelming' andthen use the steps again.

Some of your clients may say that they can't get very clear imageswhen they try to picture events in their mind's eye. While they mayget more out of imagery techniques if they can get such clearimages, they will still get something out of facing threat inimagery if they don't. So, if clients want to face threat in imagerybefore they do so in reality, encourage them to do so no matter howclear their mental images are.

Step 8: Face your threat in reality

Whether or not you have used imagery as a preparatory step, you need totake the following steps when you face your threat in reality.

Choose a speci®c situation in which the threat is likely to occur and about which youwould ordinarily feel anxious.


Make a plan of how you are going to deal with the threat and resolve not to use any ofyour behavioural safety-seeking measures.

Rehearse a speci®c version of your general rational beliefs before entering the situ-ation so that you can face your threat while in a rational frame of mind. In addition, itwould be useful to develop a shorthand version of your speci®c rational belief to usewhile you are in the situation.

Enter the situation and accept the fact that you are likely to be uncomfortable whiledoing so. Do not take any safety-seeking measures and take action as previouslyplanned. React to any consequences from a rational frame of mind if you can.

Recognise that even though you have got yourself into a rational frame of mind someof your thinking may be distorted and unrealistic and some may be realistic andbalanced. Accept the presence of the former and do not engage with it. Engage withthe latter without using it to reassure yourself.

You may ®nd that your clients report various obstacles to facingthreat in reality. I list here some of the major obstacles and suggestways of addressing these obstacles with your clients.

Ìt's too frightening to face the threat.'If your clients think that facing a threat related situation is too much forthem, suggest that they utilise the `challenging, but not overwhelming' prin-ciple discussed in the Client's Guide (see p. 44 in this book). This involves yourclient selecting a threat related situation that would be a challenge for them toface, but not overwhelming for them, at that time.

Ì don't feel con®dent to face the threat.'One of the thinking features of anxiety is that your clients hold the inferencethat they think that they cannot deal with threat. In order to challenge thislimiting idea, help them to acknowledge and implement the following:

Help them to see that they do not need to feel con®dent to face a threat inorder to face it.Help them to realise that con®dence develops from not being con®dent andthat the more they act without con®dence, the more they will developcon®dence.

Ì don't feel comfortable facing the threat.'Help your clients to see that if they wait until they are comfortable beforefacing the threat, they will wait a very long time. Show them that if they arecomfortable about facing a `threat', it is likely that they are not anxious aboutit. Consequently, it is important that you help your clients realise that they arebound to be uncomfortable about facing a `threat related situation'. Showthem that they can tolerate this discomfort and that it is worth it to them todo so.

Ì can't face the threat because I don't feel in control.'By de®nition, when your clients feel anxious, they are not in control. So, helpthem to understand that if they wait to feel in control before they face their


threat, then they are caught in a bind. Help them to see that the way out of thisbind is for them to hold a ¯exible belief about feeling in control. If they were tobelieve that it is preferable, but not essential, to feel in control before they facethe threat, they would take the unpreferable course of action because it is theonly course of action open to them. Encourage them to see that if they insistthat they have to be in control before facing the threat, they will not face it.

`I can't face the threat because I don't know what is going to happen.'This obstacle to facing threat is based on a rigid belief about certainty. Here,your clients believe that they have to know the outcome of facing threat beforethey face it. Help your clients to see that this, of course, is not possible and thatif they wait for such certainty, it is highly likely that they will perpetuate theiranxiety problem. Show your clients that the antidote to this is to hold a ¯exiblebelief about certainty. If they do this, they will acknowledge that while itwould be nice to know the outcome of facing threat, it is not necessary to havesuch certainty. Help them to realise that all they have is probability and that ifthey face threat, the probable outcome is that they will feel uncomfortable inthe short term, but they will probably help themselves to overcome their anxietyproblem in the longer term. By contrast, help your clients to see that if theydon't face threat, they will remain comfortable in the moment, but the prob-ability is that they won't overcome this problem.

Step 9: Capitalise on what you learned

When you have faced your threat and dealt with it as best you could, it isimportant that you re¯ect on what you did and what you learned. In par-ticular, if you were able to face your threat, rehearse your speci®c rationalbeliefs and take constructive action, then ask yourself how you can capital-ise on what you achieved. If you experienced any problems, respond to thefollowing questions:

Did I face the threat, and if not, why not?

Did I rehearse my rational beliefs before and during facing the threat and if not,why not?

Did I execute my plan to face the threat, and if not, why not?

Did I use safety-seeking measures, and if so, why?

Did I engage with post-belief distorted thinking, and if so, why?

Re¯ect on your experience and put into practice what you learned the nexttime you face the threat.

It is useful to monitor your clients' responses to these questions andhelp them to re¯ect on any issues that they have not considered.


Step 10: Generalise your learning

While you can really deal with your anxiety only in speci®c situations, youcan generalise what you have learned about dealing effectively with anxietyacross situations de®ned by a threat to which you are particularly vul-nerable (e.g. disapproval) and also apply your learning to situations de®nedby a different threat that you may have problems with (e.g. criticism).

Fiona was particularly prone to anxiety about being disapproved, so she followedthe steps outlined in this chapter. Thus:

Fiona assessed the three components of her anxiety response and set goalswith respect to all three components.

She identi®ed her relevant general irrational belief regarding disapproval (i.e.Ì must not be disapproved. If I am I am worthless') that underpinned heranxiety response and her alternative general rational belief (i.e. Ì don't want toreceive disapproval, but that does not mean I must not be disapproved. If I amit's unfortunate, but it does not prove I'm worthless. I am a unique, unrateablefallible human being whether I am approved or disapproved') thatunderpinned her concern response.

She questioned both elements of her general irrational belief and her generalrational belief until she clearly saw that the former were false, made no senseand were detrimental to her and that the latter were true, sensible and healthy.

She outlined situations where she particularly feared disapproval andprepared to face them by questioning speci®c versions of these beliefs. She®rst rehearsed relevant speci®c versions of her general rational beliefsregarding disapproval and faced her threat in these speci®c situations whilekeeping in mind a shortened version of her rational belief (i.e. `falliblealthough disapproved') and without using her behavioural and thinking safety-seeking measures regarding disapproval. As she did so, she tolerated thediscomfort that she felt and accepted that some of her `threat elaborated'thinking would still be in her mind. She let such thinking be without engagingwith it, suppressing it or distracting herself from it.

When she had made progress in dealing with her disapproval anxiety, Fionaapplied the common features to her fear of failure. She also identi®ed newbehavioural and thinking components of her anxiety response with respect tofailure and set goals accordingly.

She identi®ed her relevant general irrational belief regarding failure (i.e. Ìmust not fail and if I do, I am a failure') that underpinned her anxiety responseand her alternative general rational belief (i.e. Ì don't want to fail, but I don'talways have to succeed. It's bad if I fail, but that does not mean I am a failure. Iam a unique, unrateable fallible human being whether I succeed or fail') thatunderpinned her concern response.

She again questioned both elements of her general irrational belief and hergeneral rational belief until she clearly saw that the former were false, made nosense and were detrimental to her and that the latter were true, sensible andhealthy.


She then outlined situations which she had avoided because she particularlyfeared failure and prepared to face them by questioning speci®c versions ofthese beliefs. She ®rst rehearsed relevant speci®c versions of her generalrational beliefs regarding failure and faced her threat in these speci®csituations while keeping in mind a shortened version of her rational belief (i.e.`I don't have to succeed') and without using her behavioural and thinkingsafety-seeking measures regarding failure.

As she did so she tolerated the discomfort that she felt and accepted thatsome of her `threat elaborated' thinking would still be in her mind. She againlet such thinking be without engaging with it, suppressing it or distractingherself from it.

As this section shows, you can generalise what you learn about dealing withanxiety from situation to situation as de®ned by a speci®c threat and fromthere to situations de®ned by a different threat with which you have a prob-lem. If you do this with all the threats to which you are previously vulnerable,you will have taken the toxicity out of the emotional problem of anxiety!

USING RECBT'S ABCD FORM TO DEAL WITHSPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF YOUR ANXIETY

This chapter is mainly geared to help you deal with your anxiety in generalterms. However, you can also use this material to address speci®c examplesof your anxiety. I have developed a self-help form to provide the structure toassist you in this regard. It is called the ABCD form and it appears withinstructions in Appendix 6.

In Appendix 6, I outline the major problems clients have in usingthis form and how to deal with them.

OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES IN DEALING WITHANXIETY

In the above section, I outlined a ten step programme to deal with anxiety.In this section, I discuss some other important issues that may be relevantto you in your work to become less prone to this emotional problem. If youwant to, you can incorporate them as additional steps in the above step-by-step guide at points relevant to you.


Why you overestimate threat and how to deal with it

If you are particularly prone to anxiety, you will be particularly sensitive toseeing threat where others, who are not prone to anxiety, do not. So far inthis chapter, I have helped you deal with anxiety in situations where youperceive threat. In this section, I help you to understand and deal withsituations where you overestimate threat in the ®rst place.

Why you overestimate threat

This is how you come to overestimate threat in your area of vulnerability. Iwill illustrate this with reference to one of Fiona's general irrational beliefs:

You take the theme of your general irrational belief:Disapproval from the general irrational belief: Ì must not be disapproved. If I am I amworthless.'

You construct a second general irrational belief that features uncertainty about theoriginal threat theme:Ì must be certain that I won't be disapproved. I can't bear such uncertainty.'

You bring this second general irrational belief to situations where it is possible thatyou may be disapproved and you make a threat related inference in the absence ofcertainty from the threat:`Since I don't have certainty that I won't be disapproved then I will be disapproved.'

You focus on this inference and bring a speci®c version of your original generalirrational belief to this inference. For example:Inference: `My classmates will disapprove of me.'Speci®c irrational belief: `My classmates must not disapprove of me. If they do, I amworthless.'

How to deal with your overestimations of threat

In order to deal with your overestimations of threat, you need to take anumber of steps, which I will illustrate again with reference to Fiona.

Construct general rational alternatives, both to your original threat focused generalirrational belief:Ì don't want to receive disapproval, but that does not mean I must not be disapproved. If Iam it's unfortunate, but it does not prove I'm worthless. I am a unique, unrateable falliblehuman being whether I am approved or disapproved.'and to your second uncertainty focused general irrational belief:Ì would like to be certain that I won't be disapproved, but I don't need such certainty. It isdif®cult not having this uncertainty, but I can bear not having it and it is worth bearing.'


Question both sets of beliefs until you can see the rationality of the two generalrational beliefs and the irrationality of the two general irrational beliefs and you cancommit to implementing the former.

Bring your uncertainty focused general rational belief to situations where it ispossible that you may be disapproved and make an inference based on the data athand:`I am not certain if I will be approved or disapproved so let's consider the evidence.'

If there is evidence indicating there is a good chance that you will be disapproved,use a speci®c version of your general disapproval focused rational belief to deal withthis. For example:Inference: `My classmates will disapprove of me.'Speci®c rational belief: `I don't want my classmates to disapprove of me, but they don'thave to do what I want. If they do disapprove of me, that is uncomfortable, but I am notworthless. I am the same ordinary, unique, unrateable person whether they approve ordisapprove of me.'

If your clients ®nd that the above explanation is too complex,teach them a simpler version. This involves you showing them thatwhen they demand that they must know that the threat they areconcerned with will not occur and they do not know this, they willassume that the threat will occur. However, when they do notdemand such certainty, they are more objective about the presenceof threat and can examine the accuracy of their inference of threatas shown below.

How to examine the accuracy of your inference of threat ifnecessary

If you are still unsure if your inference of threat is accurate or inaccurate,answer one or more of the following questions:

How likely is it that the threat happened (or might happen)?

Would an objective jury agree that the threat actually happened or might happen? Ifnot, what would the jury's verdict be?

Did I view (am I viewing) the threat realistically? If not, how could I have viewed (can Iview) it more realistically?

If I asked someone whom I could trust to give me an objective opinion about the truthor falsity of my inference about the threat, what would the person say to me and why?How would this person encourage me to view the threat instead?

If a friend had told me that they had faced (were facing or were about to face) thesame situation as I faced and had made the same inference of threat, what would Isay to them about the validity of their inference and why? How would I encourage theperson to view the threat instead?


Assessing and dealing with emotional problemsabout anxiety

While there is quite a lot of evidence that animals get anxious in thepresence of threat, there is little evidence that they make themselves dis-turbed about their anxiety. However, we humans do disturb ourselves aboutour anxiety and our other emotional problems. The technical term for this ismeta-disturbance (literally disturbance about disturbance) and I will bediscussing this phenomenon and how to deal with it in the followingchapters. It is important to assess carefully the nature of this meta-disturbance before you can best deal with it.

The best way to start dealing with the assessment of any emotionalproblems you might have about anxiety is to ask yourself the question:`How do I feel about being anxious?' The most common emotional prob-lems that people have about anxiety are as follows: anxiety, depression,shame and unhealthy self-anger. I will discuss only the ®rst of these in thischapter, i.e. anxiety about anxiety, and refer you to the respective chapterson depression, shame and unhealthy anger for help on how to deal withthese meta-emotional problems as applied to anxiety.

Assessing anxiety about anxiety

When you are anxious about anxiety, it is clear that you think of youroriginal anxiety as some kind of threat. The most common of these threatsare the following:

Anxiety is emotionally painful.

Anxiety means I am losing self-control.

Anxiety is a personal weakness.

Dealing with anxiety about anxiety

Unless you deal with your anxiety about anxiety (called meta-anxiety), youare unlikely to deal with your original anxiety, since your meta-anxiety willlead to general avoidance of situations in which you are likely to feelanxious. Since dealing with anxiety depends on you facing and not avoidingthreat, meta-anxiety (if you experience it) often has to be dealt with beforeyou deal with your original anxiety.

As I have made clear in this book, it is important that you develop rationalbeliefs about threat and face up to and deal constructively with it without


making use of safety-seeking measures (both behavioural and thinking) andwhile letting be (i.e. not engaging with or distracting yourself from) anyremaining threat-elaborating thoughts or images that you may have. Withthese points in mind, let me give you brief advice concerning how to dealwith the three forms of anxiety about anxiety I have listed.

Dealing with the threat of the emotional pain of anxiety

First, develop a set of rational beliefs about the pain of anxiety (afterquestioning both your irrational and rational beliefs as outlined in Appen-dices 2±4). These are likely to be non-ego in nature (e.g. Ì would prefer notto experience the emotional pain of anxiety, but I don't have to be immunefrom it. It's hard tolerating such pain, but I can do so and it's worth doingso because it will help me deal with my original anxiety'). Then, develop ashorthand version of this rational belief (e.g. `The pain of anxiety istolerable and worth tolerating') and use this as you seek out situations inwhich you are likely to feel anxious, employing the `challenging, but notoverwhelming' principle described earlier (see p. 44). Do this without usingsafety-seeking measures until you are concerned about the pain of anxiety,but not anxious about it.

When you have done all this, you will probably see that anxiety may notbe as emotionally painful as you previously thought.

Dealing with the threat of losing self-control when you areanxious

When you are anxious, you do begin to lose control of your feelings,sensations and thoughts. It is important for you to assess which aspect ofloss of self-control you are anxious about. Then do the following. First,develop a set of rational beliefs about beginning to lose self-control (afterquestioning both your irrational and rational beliefs as outlined in Appen-dices 2±4). These are likely to be non-ego in nature (e.g. Ì would prefer notto lose control, but I don't always have to have such self-control and I don'thave to regain it immediately when I have begun to lose it. It's unfortunatewhen I begin to lose self-control, but it isn't terrible'). Then, develop ashorthand version of this rational belief (e.g. Ì don't have to be in control')and use this as you seek out situations in which you are likely to feelanxious and begin to lose self-control. Again employ the `challenging, butnot overwhelming' principle described earlier (see p. 44) and do so withoutusing safety-seeking measures until you are concerned about losing self-control but not anxious about it. In particular, accept that you may have


thoughts and images where you have lost complete control of yourself.These thoughts do not predict the future, but are the remnants of post-irrational belief thinking and need to be understood and accepted as such.Therefore, don't engage with them or distract yourself from them.

When you have taken these steps, you will probably realise that you havemore self-control when you are anxious than you previously thought andthat loss of complete self-control, while not impossible, is highly unlikely.

Dealing with the threat of anxiety being a personal weakness

The ®rst step to dealing with this anxiety is to assume temporarily thatanxiety is a personal weakness. Then, develop a set of rational beliefsabout having such a personal weakness (after questioning both your irra-tional and rational beliefs as outlined in Appendices 2 and 5). These arelikely to be ego in nature (e.g. `I would prefer not to have this personalweakness, but that does not mean that I must not have it. I am not a weakperson for having this unfortunate weakness. Rather, I am a fallible humanbeing who has both strengths and weaknesses'). Then, develop a short-hand version of this rational belief (e.g. `Anxiety means I'm fallible') anduse this as you seek out situations in which you are likely to feel anxious,employing the `challenging, but not overwhelming' principle describedearlier (see p. 44). Do this, once again, without using safety-seekingmeasures until you are concerned about your `personal weakness' but notanxious about it.

When you have done all this, you will probably see that anxiety may notbe as much a personal weakness as you previously thought. To help con-solidate this, ask yourself if you would tell a loved one that anxiety is apersonal weakness?

Your clients will sometimes need to address their anxiety aboutanxiety (i.e. their secondary anxiety) before they address their pri-mary anxiety. They need to do this particularly when their secon-dary anxiety gets in the way of them dealing with their primaryanxiety. However, despite the interfering presence of secondaryanxiety, some clients still want to target their primary anxiety ®rst.There are two ways of dealing with this situation:

Provide a rationale to help your clients target their secondary anxiety. Forexample, explain to your clients that their secondary anxiety is like having aball and chain around their leg while they are climbing a steep hill (akin totheir primary anxiety). In the same way as climbing the hill is easier when they


remove the ball and chain from their leg, dealing with their primary anxiety iseasier when they deal with their secondary anxiety ®rst.

Go along with your clients' wish to deal with their primary anxiety and whenthey fail to do so, help them to understand that the reason why they failed isbecause they had not addressed their secondary anxiety and then agree thatthey will now do so.

Developing and rehearsing a non-anxious world view

People develop views of the world as it relates to them that make it more orless likely that they will experience unhealthy negative emotions. The worldviews that render you vulnerable to anxiety do so in a similar way to youruncertainty focused general irrational beliefs about a speci®c threat themeby making you oversensitive to the presence of threat about which you holdanxiety related irrational beliefs. However, these anxiety based world viewshave this effect on you much more widely.

It is important that you develop realistic views of the world that will helpyou to deal with anxiety. In Table 2, you will ®nd an illustrative list of suchworld views rather than an exhaustive one, so you can get an idea of what Imean, which will enable you to develop your own. In Table 2, I ®rst describea world view that renders you vulnerable to anxiety and then I give itshealthy alternative. You will see that the latter is characterised by its com-plexity and non-extreme nature, whereas in the former, aspects of the worldthat relate to threat are portrayed as unidimensional and extreme.

If you hold rational beliefs that are consistent with the views of the worldlisted on the right hand side of Table 2 and if you act and think in ways thatare, in turn, consistent with these rational beliefs, doing all this will helpyou become less prone to anxiety.

In Chapter 3, I discuss the equally common emotional problem ofdepression and how to deal with it.


Table 2 World views that render you vulnerable to anxiety and help you to deal withanxiety

Views of the world that render youvulnerable to anxiety

Views of the world that help youdeal with anxiety

The world is a dangerous place The world is a place where dangerexists, but where there is much safety

Uncertainty is dangerous. Knowing inall probability that I am safe is not goodenough

Uncertainty can indicate the presenceof threat, but more often than not it isassociated with the absence of threat, asign that I am safe from threat.Probability of safety is all I have and isgood enough for me

Not being in control is dangerous.Either I am in control or I am out ofcontrol

Not being in control is unpleasant, butis rarely dangerous. Just because I amnot in complete control, certainly doesnot mean that I am out of control

People cannot be trusted People vary enormously along acontinuum of trustworthiness. My beststance is to trust someone unless Ihave evidence to the contrary. If I am letdown that is very unfortunate, buthardly terrible and won't unduly affectmy stance towards the next person Imeet


Dealing with depression

In this chapter, I begin by presenting RECBT's way of understandingdepression,1 and then address how to deal with this very common emo-tional problem.

UNDERSTANDING DEPRESSION

In understanding depression, we need to know what we tend to makeourselves depressed about (i.e. its major inference themes), what beliefswe hold, how we act or tend to act, and how we think when we aredepressed.

I mentioned in Chapter 2 that it is important that you use yourclient's language when referring to emotional problems. Withrespect to the term `depression', you need to be aware that not allclients with a `depression' problem resonate with the term `depres-sion'. They may identify more closely with terms like `feelingdown', `feeling blue, `feeling down in the dumps' or `feeling low'. Ifso, your task is to satisfy yourself and your client that these termsrepresent the unhealthy negative emotion known in RECBT asdepression. Once you have done so, use the client's language andwrite this down in your client's notes.

The three realms of your personal domain that areimplicated in depression

The three realms of your personal domain that are implicated in yourdepression are the autonomous, sociotropic and deservingness realms.

3

1 In this chapter, I am talking about non-clinical depression. Clinical depression ischaracterised by a number of biological features such as insomnia, loss of appetite,loss of libido and suicidal ideation. If you think you may be clinically depressed,consult your GP in the ®rst instance.

The autonomous realm

Here you value such things as freedom from in¯uence, freedom from con-straint, freedom to determine your fate, your independence, self-controland effective functioning.

The sociotropic realm

Here you value such things as your relationships with people, your con-nection to them, being loved, being approved, being cared for by them,being able to rely on them and also being able to look after them.

The deservingness realm

Here you value you and others being treated fairly by the world.

Major inference themes in depression

When you are depressed:

You have experienced a loss from the sociotropic and/or autonomous realms of yourpersonal domain.

You have experienced a failure within the sociotropic and/or autonomous realms ofyour personal domain.

You or others have experienced an undeserved plight.2

Some clients may not resonate with the above schema and, in thesecases, you should encourage them to put it aside and just focus onwhat they tend to feel depressed about. RECBT theory values¯exibility and this includes the freedom not to use RECBT terms,schemes and frameworks.

Irrational beliefs

As I explained in Chapter 1, according to RECBT, inferences on their owndo not account for emotional problems. It is possible, therefore, for you to

2 When I discuss undeserved plight in this chapter, I am referring to such plight thatcan befall you and/or others.

57Dealing with depression

make the same inferences as listed above and be sad, but not depressed. Inorder for you to feel depressed when you infer the presence of loss, failureor undeserved plight, you have to hold an irrational belief. When you thinkirrationally you hold a rigid belief and one or more extreme beliefs. Whilethe rigid belief is at the core of depression, the extreme beliefs that arederived from the rigid belief often distinguish between whether you areexperiencing ego depression (where you depreciate yourself ) and non-egodepression (where you àwfulise' or ®nd the adversity intolerable). Youmay, of course, experience both ego depression and non-ego depression ina given situation.

If your clients are unsure about the mediating role that irrationalbeliefs play in their depression, ask them how they would feel ifthey really believed the rational alternatives to what RECBT holdsare their depression creating irrational beliefs. In using this stra-tegy, it is important that you formulate the rational beliefs foryour clients, who cannot be expected to do this for themselves atthis stage. When you do this, ensure that you match your clients'rigid belief with a ¯exible alternative and their main extremebelief with a non-extreme alternative, and then ask them how theywould feel if they had strong conviction in this rational belief.

For example: `Let me outline two sets of beliefs about losing yourjob and you tell me which leads to depression and which leads tonon-depressed sadness. The ®rst set of beliefs is as follows: `Ìabsolutely should not have lost my job and I am redundant as ahuman being because I did.'' The second set of beliefs is as follows:`Ì would have much preferred not to have lost my job, but sadlythere was no reason why I absolutely should not have lost it andthat losing it does not make me redundant as a human being,rather a useful human being who has lost something important.''Now which set of beliefs would lead to depression and which setwould lead to non-depressed sadness?' Once your clients can seethat their irrational beliefs underpin depression and their rationalbeliefs underpin non-depressed sadness, they have understood themediating role of beliefs.


1. It addresses your clients' doubts about the mediating role of irrational beliefsin depression if they have such concern.




Behaviour associated with depression

When you hold an irrational belief about a loss, failure or undeserved plightwithin the relevant realm of your personal domain, you will feel depressedand then act or tend to act in a number of ways, the most common of whichare as follows:

You withdraw from reinforcements.

You withdraw into yourself (particularly in autonomous depression).

You become overly dependent on and seek to cling to others (particularly in socio-tropic depression).

You bemoan your fate or that of others to anyone who will listen (particularly in pity-based depression).

You create an environment consistent with your depressed feelings.

You attempt to terminate feelings of depression in self-destructive ways.

You will see from the above list that these behaviours get in the way of youprocessing your loss, failure or undeserved plight so that you can grieveappropriately, integrate it into your belief system and move on with pur-suing your life's goals.

If you ask your clients whether they want to change their depres-sion related behaviour, their response will be affected by theirmood. If they are currently depressed, they are less likely to see thatthis behaviour is dysfunctional than when they are not depressed.If they are depressed, it is useful to encourage them to imaginethat they are advising a friend who displays the same depressionrelated behaviour as they do. What would they say to this friendabout the functionality or dysfunctionality of such behaviour?They are more likely to see that their own depression relatedbehaviour is dysfunctional after they have told this `friend' thatthe same behaviour is dysfunctional.


Thinking associated with depression

When you hold an irrational belief about a loss, failure or undeservedplight, you will feel depressed and then think in a number of ways.Remember what I said in Chapter 1: the thinking that accompanies yourdepression is the result of your loss, failure or undeserved plight beingprocessed by your irrational belief, and therefore it is likely to contain anumber of thinking errors that I present in Appendix 1. I list the mainfeatures of this post±irrational belief depressed thinking below:

You see only negative aspects of the loss, failure or undeserved plight.

You think of other losses, failures and undeserved plights that you (and in the case ofthe latter, others) have experienced.

You think you are unable to help yourself (helplessness).

You see only pain and blackness in the future (hopelessness).

You see yourself being totally dependent on others (in autonomous depression).

You see yourself as being disconnected from others (in sociotropic depression).

You see the world as full of undeservedness and unfairness (in plight-baseddepression).

You tend to ruminate concerning the source of your depression and itsconsequences.

As you can see, such thinking exaggerates the negativity of loss, failureand undeserved plight and the consequences of each. As with post-irrational belief anxiety thinking, post-irrational belief depressed thinkingmay be in words or in mental images.

One of the main features of post-irrational belief thinking is thatit is compelling. As such, it is quite easy for your clients to getcaught up in this way of thinking and think that it re¯ects reality.This is an example of `cognitive-emotive' reasoning: if a thought isplausible and emotionally compelling, therefore it must be true. Itis important that you help your clients to understand how theirmind works with respect to the thinking consequences of irrationalbeliefs and to encourage them to use such thoughts to go back toaddress the irrational beliefs that spawn them. When they havedone this, you can encourage them to respond to these thinkingconsequences of irrational beliefs (iBs) as the iBs will not dis-appear just because they have questioned these beliefs. When your


clients respond to these thinking consequences of iBs, they need todo so only a few times on any one occasion. After that, they need toaccept the presence of such thinking without engaging with it.

To summarise, your clients need to

identify the presence of the thinking consequences of irrational beliefs (seeAppendix 1)

trace these back to the source of this mode of thinking (i.e. identify the under-lying irrational beliefs)

challenge these irrational beliefs

respond brie¯y to the thinking consequences of such beliefs, but not get overlyinvolved in this process

accept the lingering presence of these thinking consequences without engagingwith them

get on with the business of living.

HOW TO DEAL WITH DEPRESSION

If you are prone to depression, you tend to experience this emotionalproblem in a variety of different settings and in response to a variety oflosses, failures and undeserved plights. Here is how to deal withdepression so that you become less prone to it.

Step 1: Identify reasons why depression is a problemfor you and why you want to change

While depression is generally regarded as an emotional problem, it is usefulfor you to spell out reasons why depression is a problem for you and whyyou want to change. I suggest that you keep a written list of these reasonsand refer to it as needed as a reminder of why you are engaged in a self-helpprogramme. I discuss the healthy alternative to depression in Step 5.

If your clients are still undecided whether or not depression is aproblem for them and/or whether or not they want to change, youwill need to carry out a more thorough assessment of the possiblefactors involved. This involves helping your clients to detail whatare, from their perspective, the advantages and disadvantages(both short term and longer term) of depression and its healthy


alternative, sadness. When you have done this, you need to helpyour clients understand and respond to the misconceptions thatthey have about the advantages of depression and the disadvan-tages of sadness.

Step 2: Become active

Before you focus on the psychological work that you will need to do inorder to deal effectively with your depression, you need to become active.As I pointed out earlier in this chapter, when you are depressed you tend tobecome inactive quite quickly and if you allow this to continue, suchinactivity leads to more negative thinking which, in turn, leads to decreasedactivity.

Therefore, the sooner you can go against your tendency to be inactive thebetter. If your inactivity has not become ingrained, increased activity willhelp you in two ways. First, such activity can be an antidepressant, par-ticularly if it involves taking exercise. Indeed, running has shown to bean effective way to deal with mild depression. Second, increased activityenables you to concentrate better on the psychological work that theremaining steps that I will discuss call for.

However, what can you do if you have become very inactive and just don'tthink that you can become more active or, if you did, that it wouldn't makeany difference? You need to see such resistance to becoming active asdepressed thinking which stems from the irrational beliefs that led to yourdepression in the ®rst place. Rather than respond to it, it is important thatyou test these thoughts out behaviourally. Thus, if you think that you can'tbecome active, test it out by seeing if you can walk to the end of the road. Ifyou can do that, then take another step and proceed, bit by bit, until youhave become more active. At that point you can judge whether or notbecoming more active has had any impact on your mood. A pound to apenny it has.

When you have improved your mood to the point that you can concen-trate, then you are ready to take responsibility for your depression in Step 3.

Step 3: Take responsibility for your depression

In RECBT, we argue that people or things do not make you depressed;rather you create these feelings by the rigid and extreme beliefs that youhold about such people and things. You may object that this involves you


blaming yourself for creating your depressed feelings, but this objection isbased on a misconception. It assumes that taking responsibility for creatingyour depression is synonymous with self-blame. In truth, responsibilitymeans that you take ownership for the irrational beliefs that underpin yourdepression while accepting yourself for doing so. Blame, on the other hand,means that you regard yourself as being bad or worthless for creating yourdepression.

The idea that emotional problems (including depression) are basedlargely on the way that a person thinks about what happens tothem is, as you know, a central plank in RECBT. However, formany clients it will be a new idea. Thus, your clients may hold thatthe reason they are depressed, for example, is that it is inherentlydepressing to be made redundant or to be dumped by one's partnerof longstanding. This type of thinking is known in RECBT circles asÀ-C' thinking (where events are deemed to cause feelings). Bycontrast, the RECBT model stresses the ÀBC' model, where theimpact of events on a person is mediated by the beliefs that theyhold about these events. The ÀBC' model holds that the personneeds to take responsibility for creating their feelings of depressionby holding a set of irrational beliefs.

If your clients have dif®culty accepting responsibility for theirdepressed feelings, it is important for you to identify the source ofthis dif®culty. In the Client's Guide, I mention one commonobstacle that stops clients from accepting such responsibility (i.e.the self-blame that clients engage in if they accept responsibility formaking themselves depressed). However, there are other obstacles toaccepting responsibility, such as the folllowing:

Hopelessness about self-help (e.g. Ì can't do anything to help myself'). This isparticularly the case if the person is depressed.

Self-pity (e.g. Ìt's not me that makes me depressed, it's the lousy situation thatI am in and that I don't deserve to be in'). If the client's original depression isself-pity based, the person can be said to have `meta' self-pity.

Loss of bene®ts (e.g. Ìf I accept that I make myself depressed then I will loseout on the bene®ts that blaming my environment gives me ± such as gettingsympathy from other people').

It is important to help your clients to understand the impact ofthese obstacles on their emotional problems. Then, help them todevelop alternatives to these obstacles and review the impact of


these alternatives on their emotional problem-solving. This oftenhelps clients to deal effectively with these obstacles. If not, you mayneed to do a more detailed assessment of the obstacle, which isoutside the brief of this book.

Step 4: Identify the themes you tend to be depressedabout

The best way of identifying depression related inference themes to whichyou are particularly vulnerable is by understanding the themes associatedwith sociotropic depression, autonomous depression and pity baseddepression, and seeing which are present when you feel depressed.

Common themes in sociotropic depression

Themes in sociotropic depression include the following:

disapproval

rejection

criticism

loss of love

negative evaluation from others

losing connection with signi®cant others

being on one's own

loss of reputation or social standing

not being looked after or cared for

not having anyone to look after or care for.

Common themes in autonomous depression

Themes in autonomous depression include the following:

failure

goals blocked

loss of status

loss of autonomy


inability to do prized activities (e.g. because of sudden disability)

being dependent on others

loss of choice

loss of self-control

freedom curtailed.

The theme in pity-based depression

An undeserved plight has (or you think that it has) happened to you or toothers. Here are some examples:

You may have been made redundant by a company after working very hard for it formany years.

A major catastrophe happens to people who are already struggling with their lives.

If your clients ®nd it dif®cult to ®nd their depression relatedtheme, you can help them by assessing a few speci®c examples oftheir depression. Have them focus on a speci®c situation in whichthey were depressed and ask them what they were most depressedabout. If they still ®nd it dif®cult to identify the theme in this orother speci®c situations, use the `magic question' technique. Thisinvolves you doing the following:

Have your clients focus on the situation in which they were depressed.

Ask them to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantlyreduce their depression without changing the situation.

The opposite of this nominated ingredient is what they are most depressedabout.

Jack was struggling to identify the speci®c theme in his depression aboutbeing made redundant. I helped Jack to use the `magic question' techniqueas follows:

I asked Jack to focus on the situation in which he was depressed:`I am sitting alone in a coffee bar with groups of laughing friends.'

I asked Jack to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®-cantly reduce his depression without changing the situation:`Knowing that I had a group of friends with whom I could laugh.'

The opposite of this nominated ingredient was what he was most depressedabout:`Not having a group of friends with whom I could laugh.'


If you assess a number of speci®c examples of your clients' depres-sion this way, the depression related theme should be apparent. InJack's case, it was being aware that he did not belong to a group ofgood friends.

It may be that there are two depression related themes presentin your client's depression. For example, your client may feeldepressed about sociotropic related loss and the presence of anundeserved plight. If this is the case, deal with them one at a timeand have your client nominate the theme which they want to focuson ®rst.

Step 5: Identify the three components of yourdepression response and set goals with respect toeach component

The next step is for you to list the three elements of your depressionresponse in the face of each of the threats listed above.

Identify the three components of your depressionresponse

I use the term `depression response' to describe the three main componentsthat make up this response. The three components of your depressionresponse are the emotional, behavioural and thinking components.

Emotional component

The emotional component here is, of course, depression.


The behavioural component concerns overt behaviour or action tenden-cies. These will largely re¯ect your withdrawal from key aspects of life.Consult the list that I provided to help you identify your behaviour associ-ated with each theme when you are depressed (see p. 59).

Thinking component

The thinking component associated with depression concerns magni®-cation of the negative features of the situation you are in and its futureimplications. These may be in words or in mental pictures. Consult the list


that I provided to help you identify your thinking associated with eachtheme when you are depressed (see p. 60).


You need to set goals so that you know what you are striving for when youdeal effectively with depression. The three goals are emotional, behaviouraland thinking goals.

Emotional goal

Your emotional goal is sadness rather than depression (or whatever syn-onym you prefer to the term `sadness'). Sadness is a healthy negativeemotion which is an appropriate response to loss, failure or undeservedplight, but one which helps you to process what has happened to you (orothers in the case of undeserved plight) and move on with your life ratherthan get stuck or bogged down.

The concept that sadness is the healthy alternative to depression inthe face of loss, failure or undeserved plight is based on thefollowing idea. These adversities are negative and therefore it isrealistic to have a negative emotion about them. The choice, there-fore, is between an unhealthy negative emotion (depression) or ahealthy negative emotion (sadness). But what if your clients specifyunrealistic goals? Here are a number of such goals and how torespond to clients who nominate them:

Ì don't want to feel depressed.'Show your clients that they have indicated what they do not want to feel in theface of loss, failure or undeserved plight, but not what they do want to feel.Help them to specify an emotion to aim for, like sadness!

Ì want to feel less depressed.'Show your clients that as depression is a disturbed emotion, wanting to feel lessdepressed is still to nominate a disturbed emotion, albeit of lesser intensity.Show them that sadness can be strong and healthy.

Ì want to be strong.'If your clients say that they want to be strong in the face of loss, failure orundeserved plight, discover what they mean by being strong. Do they meanfeeling sad, processing the adversity and moving on or do they mean getting onwith life without feel sad, for example? If, by being strong, they mean theformer, this is a healthy emotional goal. However, if, by being strong, theymean the latter, you need to help them to see that this kind of strength is not ahealthy emotional goal. Show them that it does not help them to process the


adversity, integrate it into their overall experiences history and move on.Rather, it will soon lead your clients to become stuck in their depressed feelings,since they will not have processed or integrated this experience.

`I want to feel indifferent.'Being indifferent in the face of depression-related adversity will not help yourclients to be appropriately geared up to deal with it. Help them to see this. Alsoshow them that the only way that they could achieve a state of indifferenceabout loss, failure or undeserved plight is to believe that it does not matter tothem whether or not they experienced these adversities. In other words, showyour clients that they would have to lie to themselves.

Behavioural goal

Your behavioural goal should re¯ect actions that are based on sadnessabout your inferential theme rather than depression. The following arethe most common behaviours associated with sadness. You may wish tocompare these behaviours with those associated with depression that Ipresented on p. 59.

You seek out reinforcements after a period of mourning (particularly when yourinferential theme is loss).

You create an environment inconsistent with depressed feelings.

You express your feelings about the loss, failure or undeserved plight and talk in anon-complaining way about your feelings to signi®cant others.

It is important that your clients understand that as they striveto develop healthy behavioural responses to loss, failure andundeserved plight, they will still feel the urge to act in waysdesigned to help them withdraw from these adversities. Help themto understand the reason for this. Explain to them that as theyquestion their beliefs and commit themselves to strengtheningtheir conviction in their rational beliefs and to weakening theirconviction in their irrational beliefs, their irrational beliefs willstill be active and producing urges for them to act dysfunctionally.Encourage your clients to accept these urges, to recognise that theydo not have to act on them and to use them as cues to act infunctional ways.

Thinking goal

As well as setting behavioural goals related to the feeling of sadness in theface of loss, failure and undeserved plight, it is important that you set


thinking goals associated with this emotion. The following are the mostcommon forms of thinking associated with sadness rather than depression.Again you may wish to compare these forms of thinking with thoseassociated with depression that I presented on p. 60.

You are able to recognise both negative and positive aspects of the loss or failure.

You think you are able to help yourself.

You look to the future with hope.

As the above list shows, the dominant feature of thinking associated withsadness is that it is realistic and optimistic. Please remember that suchthinking may be in words or in mental pictures.

The point I made above with respect to clients' behavioural goals isalso relevant with respect to their thinking goals. Clients will stillhave some conviction in their irrational beliefs until they have fullconviction in their rational beliefs. Given this, your clients' irra-tional beliefs will have some impact on their subsequent thinkingas they strive to achieve their goals. Thus, highly distorted thoughtswill still come into your clients' minds. Help your clients to under-stand why this is the case. When you come to help them deal withthese forms of post-irrational belief thinking, do one or more of thefollowing as indicated. Discuss this issue with your RECBT super-visor, if necessary:





A general irrational belief leading to your depression response is an irra-tional belief that you hold across situations de®ned by a loss theme, afailure theme or an undeserved plight theme. Its rational alternative, whichwill also be general in nature, will account for your sadness response.



When you identify a general irrational belief, you take a common theme (e.g.rejection, loss of autonomy or unfair suffering) and add to this a generalrigid belief and the main extreme belief that is derived from the rigid belief.When you are particularly prone to self-esteem based depression, then yourmain extreme belief will be a self-depreciation belief. For non-self-esteembased depression, your main extreme belief may be either an awfulisingbelief or a discomfort intolerance belief, and less frequently it may be another-depreciation belief or a life-depreciation belief. For example:

Ì must not be rejected and if I am it would prove that I am unlovable' (a general self-esteem based irrational belief ).

Ì must not be dependent on others and it would be awful if I were' (a general non-self-esteem based irrational belief ).


When you identify your alternative general rational belief, you take the samecommon theme (e.g. rejection, loss of autonomy or unfair suffering) and addto this a general ¯exible belief and the main non-extreme belief that is derivedfrom the ¯exible belief. If your general extreme belief is self-depreciation(when you are particularly prone to self-esteem based depression), yourgeneral non-extreme belief will be an unconditional self-acceptance belief. Ifyou are prone to non-self-esteem based depression, your alternative generalnon-extreme beliefs will be a non-awfulising belief, a discomfort tolerancebelief and less frequently an other-acceptance belief or a life-acceptancebelief. For example:

Ì would prefer not to be rejected, but I don't have to be immune from rejection. If I amrejected, it would be painful, but it would not prove that I am unlovable. I am the sameperson whether I am rejected or accepted' (a general unconditional self-acceptancebased rational belief ).

Ì would much prefer not to be dependent on others, but that doesn't mean that Imust not be so. If I do have to be dependent on others, it would be very bad, but itwould not be awful' (a general non-awfulising based rational belief ).

As you will have noticed in the Client's Guide, I encourage readersto identify and work with their general irrational beliefs and todevelop general rational beliefs and, as you will see, when they arefacing speci®c instances of their problems, I encourage them to


focus on speci®c examples of both sets of beliefs. This will be atvariance with your RECBT practice, where you will begin withspeci®c examples of your clients' problems and then proceed towork at a more general level with their problems and how theserelate to one another.

The reason I have chosen to go `general' rather than `speci®c'when helping readers to deal with their emotional problems is apragmatic one. In this book, I aim to help people to deal with arange of emotional problems and therefore, in my view, it is best togive readers general guidance with respect to dealing with thisrange of problems and then help them to move from the general tothe speci®c rather than vice versa. My considered view was that Ijust do not have the space to help readers focus on speci®cexamples of their emotional problems and then generalise fromthis speci®c level.

Consequently, one way that you can help your clients who areusing the Client's Guide is to help them to work with speci®cexamples of their emotional problem, in this case depression. Usethe following sequence as you do so and help your clients to

select a speci®c example of their depression problem

express why their depression constitutes a problem for them

identify what they were most depressed about in the situation

identify the three speci®c components of their depression response and setspeci®c goals with respect to each component



In helping your clients to deal with a speci®c example of theirdepression, you can teach them how to use RECBT's ABCD form,which appears in Appendix 6.

The following steps are the same as those that appear in Steps 8±11 later in this chapter. Thus, help your clients to

face their loss, failure or undeserved plight in imagery (if necessary)

face their loss, failure or undeserved plight in reality (if possible) and takeappropriate action





I recommended in Chapter 2 that you ®rst question together your generalrigid belief and your alternative general ¯exible belief and then questiontogether your general extreme belief and your general non-extreme belief.








Next, take your general extreme belief and its general non-extreme beliefalternative and again write them down next to one another on a sheet ofpaper. Then, ask yourself the same three questions that you used with yourgeneral rigid belief and its general ¯exible belief alternative. Again writedown your answer to each of these questions on your piece of paper, givingreasons for each answer. I suggest that you consult Appendix 3 (for helpwith questioning awfulising beliefs and non-awfulising beliefs), Appendix 4(for help with questioning discomfort intolerance beliefs and discomforttolerance beliefs) and Appendix 5 (for help with questioning depreciationbeliefs and unconditional acceptance beliefs). Again, you need to adaptand apply these arguments to the beliefs you are questioning.

You should now be ready to commit to acting and thinking in waysconsistent with your general rational belief.


I included Appendices 2±5 in the Client's Guide as general guide-lines to help readers to question their irrational and rationalbeliefs (reproduced in this book as Appendices 2±5). If you areworking with clients who are using the Client's Guide, you willhave a chance to look at the questioning work that your clientshave done at this point and give them feedback on that work. Nobook can provide such feedback.

I have suggested that readers question their rigid belief and their¯exible belief together and then their main extreme belief andnon-extreme belief equivalent together using three criteria asshown below:


empirical statuslogical statuspragmatic status


empirical statuslogical statuspragmatic status.

However, there are other ways of questioning beliefs as shownbelow. When using the Client's Guide with your clients, outlinethese other approaches in case they do not resonate with theapproach I put forward in the Client's Guide. The important pointis that your clients use all three arguments with each of theirrational and irrational beliefs.

Rigid belief


Flexible belief


Main extreme belief





And also:

Rigid belief

empirical status

Flexible belief

empirical status

Rigid belief

logical status

Flexible belief

logical status

Rigid belief

pragmatic status

Flexible belief

pragmatic status

Main extreme belief

empirical status


empirical status

Main extreme belief

logical status


logical status

Main extreme belief

pragmatic status


pragmatic status.

The ®nal point I want to make about questioning beliefs concernsthe concept of persuasiveness. Perhaps the most important aspect


of the questioning process is for your clients to develop argumentsconcerning the irrationality of their irrational beliefs and therationality of their rational beliefs that are persuasive to them. So,encourage your clients to develop such persuasive arguments andto make a note of these for future reference.

Step 8: Face your loss, failure and undeserved plightin imagery

I hope that you have made a commitment to act on your general rationalbeliefs (i.e. ¯exible belief and relevant non-extreme belief ). Assuming thatyou have, your basic task is for you to face up to your loss, failure orundeserved plight and to learn to think rationally about it without with-drawing from life.

Up to this point you have worked at a general level with respect to thelosses, failures or undeserved plights you are depressed about, the generalirrational beliefs that account for this depression and their alternativegeneral rational beliefs. However, when you come to apply your generalrational beliefs in dealing with your loss, failure or undeserved plight, youneed to bear in mind one important point. Since you make yourselfdepressed about speci®c losses, failures or undeserved plights (actual orimagined), you need to deal with these speci®c losses by rehearsingspeci®c variants of your general rational beliefs.

While the best way to do this is in speci®c situations in which you inferloss, failure or undeserved plight, you may derive bene®t by using imagery®rst. If this is the case, you need to do the following:

Imagine a speci®c situation in which you felt depressed or may feel depressed andfocus on your loss, failure or undeserved plight.

See yourself facing the loss, failure or undeserved plight while rehearsing a speci®crational belief relevant to the situation. As you do this, try to make yourself feel sad,rather than depressed.

Then see yourself getting on with your life after an appropriate period of mourning.As you picture yourself getting on with your life, recognise that it is healthy to feelsad, even well after the event. The main thing is that your sadness does not stop youfrom reconnecting with life and pursuing your goals.

Recognise that some of your post-belief thinking may be distorted, Respond to itwithout getting bogged down doing so. Accept the presence of any remainingdistorted thoughts without engaging with them.



If you ®nd that facing your loss, failure or undeserved plight, in your mind'seye, is too much for you, use the `challenging, but not overwhelming'principle that I introduced in Chapter 1. This means that instead of imaginingyourself facing a loss, failure or undeserved plight that you ®nd `over-whelming' at the present time, choose a similar loss, failure or undeservedplight that you would ®nd `challenging, but not overwhelming'. Then employthe same steps that I have outlined above. Work in this way with modi®edlosses, failures or undeserved plights until you ®nd your original one`challenging, but not overwhelming' and then use the steps again.

Some of your clients may say that they can't get very clear imageswhen they try to picture events in their mind's eye. While they mayget more out of imagery techniques if they can get such clearimages, they will still get something out of facing loss, failure orundeserved plight in imagery if they don't. So, if clients want toface their particular adversity in imagery before they do so inreality, encourage them to do so no matter how clear their mentalimages are.

Step 9: Face your loss, failure and undeserved plightin reality

Whether or not you have used imagery as a preparatory step, you need totake the following steps when you face situations that remind you of yourloss, failure, undeserved plight or threat in reality.

Choose a speci®c situation in which you will be reminded of your loss, failure orundeserved plight and about which you would ordinarily feel depressed.

Rehearse a speci®c version of your general rational beliefs before entering thesituation so that you can face your loss, failure or underserved plight while in arational frame of mind. In addition, it would be useful to develop a shorthand versionof your speci®c rational belief to use while you are in the situation.

Enter the situation and accept the fact that you are likely to be uncomfortable whiledoing so. React to any consequences from a rational frame of mind if you can.

Recognise that even though you have got yourself into a rational frame of mind, someof your thinking may be distorted and unrealistic and some may be realistic andbalanced. Accept the presence of the former and do not engage with it. Engage withthe latter without using it to reassure yourself.

You may ®nd that your clients report various obstacles to facingloss, failure or undeserved plight in reality. I list here some of the


major obstacles and suggest ways of addressing these obstacleswith your clients.

Ìt's too depressing to face the loss/failure/undeserved plight.'If your clients think that facing a loss/failure/undeserved plight situation istoo depressing for them, suggest that they utilise the `challenging, but notoverwhelming' principle discussed in the Client's Guide (see p. 44). This involvesyour client selecting a loss/failure/undeserved plight situation that would be achallenge for them to face, but not overwhelming for them, at that time.

Ì don't have the capacity to face the loss/failure/undeserved plight.'One of the thinking features of depression is that your clients hold theinference that they are helpless in the face of adversity. In order to challengethis limiting idea, help them to acknowledge and implement the following:

Help them to understand that this inference stems from an irrational beliefand does not re¯ect reality.Help them to see that they do not need to feel capable to face loss/failure/undeserved plight in order to face it.Help them to realise that such capability develops over time and that the morethey act without this `feeling', the more they will develop actual capability.

`There is no point in facing loss/failure/undeserved plight.'Another major thinking feature of depression is a sense of hopelessness in theface of adversity. In order to challenge this limiting idea, help your client toacknowledge and implement the following:

Help them to understand that this inference stems from an irrational beliefand does not re¯ect reality.Ask them how they would advise a loved one who said something similar. Helpthem to see that they can act on this advice (as long as it is constructive!).Help them to see that they do not have to have hope before facing adversityand that hope may develop as a result of facing it.

Ì don't feel comfortable facing the threat.'Help your clients to see that if they wait until they are comfortable beforefacing loss/failure/underserved plight, they will wait a very long time. Showthem that if they are comfortable about facing a loss, failure or underservedplight, then it is likely that they are not depressed about it. Consequently, it isimportant that you help your clients realise that they are bound to beuncomfortable about facing a depression related situation even after they havedisputed their depression creating irrational beliefs. Show them that they cantolerate this discomfort and that it is worth it to them to do so.


When you have faced the situation that reminded you of your loss, failureor undeserved plight and dealt with it as best you could, it is important that


you re¯ect on what you did and what you learned. In particular, if you wereable to face the situation, rehearse your speci®c rational beliefs until youfelt sad, then ask yourself how you can capitalise on what you achieved. Ifyou experienced any problems, respond to the following questions:

Did I face the situation, and if not, why not?

Did I rehearse my rational beliefs before and during facing the situation, and if not,why not?

Did I execute my plan to face the situation, and if not, why not?


Re¯ect on your experience and put into practice what you learned the nexttime you face a situation that reminds you of your loss, failure or undeservedplight.

It is useful to monitor your clients' responses to these questionsand help them to re¯ect on any issues that they have notconsidered.


Once you have dealt with your depression in a speci®c situation, you cangeneralise what you have learned about dealing effectively with depressionacross situations de®ned by a loss, failure or undeserved plight to whichyou are particularly vulnerable to (e.g. failure) and also apply your learningto situations de®ned by a different theme that you may have problems with(e.g. having to rely on others).

James was particularly prone to depression about failure, so he followed thesteps outlined in this chapter. Thus:

James assessed the three components of his depression response and setgoals with respect to all three components.

He identi®ed his relevant general irrational belief regarding failure (i.e. `I mustnot fail and if I do, I'm a failure') that underpinned his depression responseand his alternative general rational belief (i.e. `I don't want to fail, but I am notimmune from doing so and nor do I have to. If I do fail it is bad, but I am not afailure. I am an unrateable, fallible human being capable of failing andsucceeding') that underpinned his sadness response.


He questioned both elements of his general irrational belief and his generalrational belief until he clearly saw that the former were false, made no senseand were detrimental to him and that the latter were true, sensible and healthy.

He outlined situations which particularly reminded him of his failures andprepared to face them by questioning speci®c versions of these beliefs. He®rst rehearsed relevant speci®c versions of his general rational beliefsregarding failure and then faced speci®c situations which reminded him offailing while keeping in mind a shortened version of his rational belief (i.e. Ìdon't have to succeed'). As he did so he tolerated the discomfort that he feltand accepted that some of his distorted and skewed negative thinking wouldstill be in his mind. He let such thinking be without engaging with it,suppressing it or distracting himself from it.

When he had made progress in dealing with his failure-related depression, heapplied common features to his depression about being dependent on others.He also identi®ed new behavioural and thinking components of his depressionresponse with respect to being dependent on others and set goals accordingly.

He identi®ed his relevant general irrational belief regarding being dependenton others (i.e. Ì must not be dependent on others and if I am, I am a patheticindividual') that underpinned his depression response and his alternativegeneral rational belief (i.e. Ì don't want to be dependent on others, but thatdoes not mean that this must not happen. If it does it is really unpleasant, butit does not prove that I am a pathetic individual. It means that I am a fallible,ordinary person and my temporary dependent state does not de®ne me' ) thatunderpinned his sadness response.

He again questioned both elements of his general irrational belief and hisgeneral rational belief until he clearly saw that the former were false, made nosense and were detrimental to him and that the latter were true, sensible andhealthy.

He then outlined situations which he had avoided because he would bedependent on others and would depress himself about that and prepared toface them by questioning speci®c versions of these beliefs. He ®rst rehearsedrelevant speci®c versions of his general rational beliefs regarding beingdependent and faced speci®c situations in which he would be dependent onothers while keeping in mind a shortened version of his rational belief (i.e.`Being dependent does not taint me').

As he did so he tolerated the discomfort that he felt and accepted that some ofhis distorted and skewed negative thinking would still be in his mind as he didso. He again let such thinking be without engaging with it, suppressing it ordistracting himself from it.

As this section shows, you can generalise what you learn about dealingwith depression from situation to situation as de®ned by a speci®c loss,failure or undeserved plight and from there to situations de®ned by adifferent theme related to depression with which you have a problem. If youdo this with all losses, failures and undeserved plights to which you areparticularly vulnerable, you will take the toxicity out of the emotional prob-lem of depression!


USING RECBT'S ABCD FORM TO DEAL WITHSPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF YOUR DEPRESSION

This chapter is mainly geared to help you deal with your depression ingeneral terms. However, you can also use this material to address speci®cexamples of your depression. I have developed a self-help form to providethe structure to assist you in this regard. It is called the ABCD form and itappears with instructions in Appendix 6.

In Appendix 6, I outline the major problems that clients have inusing this form and how to deal with them.

OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES IN DEALING WITHDEPRESSION

In the above section, I outlined an eleven step programme to deal withdepression. In this section, I discuss some other important issues that maybe relevant to you in your work to become less prone to this emotionalproblem. If you want to, you can incorporate them as additional steps in theabove step-by-step guide at points relevant to you.

Why you focus so much on loss, failure andundeserved plight and how to deal with this

If you are particularly prone to depression, you will be particularly sensitiveto focusing on the losses, failures and undeserved plights of your life (andin the lives of others in the case of the latter). You may see losses withoutseeing gains, you may see as failures in what others regard as successesand you may fail to see the good in your life and in the lives of others. Sofar in this chapter, I have helped you deal with depression in situationswhere you perceive loss, failure and undeserved plight. In this section, Ihelp you to understand and deal with situations where you overly focus onloss, failure or undeserved plight in the ®rst place.

Why you focus so much on loss, failure and undeservedplight

The following explains why you focus so much on loss, failure andundeserved plight. I will illustrate this with reference to one of James'sgeneral irrational beliefs:


You take your general irrational belief:Ì must do perfectly well and if I do not, I'm a failure.'

You add the concept of uncertainty to this belief so that you create a second generalirrational belief that features this uncertainty:Ì must be sure that I have done perfectly well and I can't bear not knowing this.'

You bring this second general irrational belief to situations where you have not doneperfectly well and make an inference coloured by this second general irrational belief:`Since I don't know that I have done perfectly well, I have failed.'

You focus on this inference and bring a speci®c version of your original generalirrational belief to this inference. For example:Inference: Ì got 90 per cent on that test. As I could have done better, I have failed.'Speci®c irrational belief: Ì absolutely should not have failed on the test. I am a failurefor not doing better.'

How to deal with your selective focus on loss, failure andundeserved plight

In order to deal with your selective focus on loss, failure or undeservedplight, you need to take a number of steps, which I illustrate with referenceto James.

Construct general rational alternatives, both to your original loss based, failure basedor undeserved plight based irrational belief:Ì want to do perfectly well, but I don't have to do so. If I don't do perfectly well, it is bad,but I am not a failure. I am an unrateable, fallible human being capable of failing andsucceeding.'and to your second general irrational belief about uncertainty related to yourperformance:Ì would like to be sure that I have done perfectly well, but I really don't have to know this. IfI don't, it is hard to bear, but I can bear such uncertainty and it's worth it for me to do so.'


Bring your two general rational beliefs about your performance and uncertaintyrelated to your performance to situations where you failed to do perfectly well andconsider what you did achieve as well as what you did not achieve:Àlthough I originally thought I failed, I can see that achieving 90 per cent is actuallyevidence that I have done very well.'

If you did actually fail, use a speci®c version of your general failure based rationalbelief to deal with this. For example:Inference: Ì actually failed the test.'Speci®c rational belief: Ì did not want to fail this test, but that does not mean that Iabsolutely should not have done so. Failing the test is bad, but I am not a failure. I am anunrateable, fallible human being capable of failing and succeeding.'


If your clients ®nd that the above explanation is too complex, youcan help them to see that rigid beliefs about the presence orabsence of depression related adversities means that if it is notclear that the loss/failure/undeserved plight has not occurred, theywill assume that it has occurred. When their beliefs are ¯exible,they can be more objective about the presence of these adversities.

How to examine the accuracy of your inference of loss,failure or undeserved plight if necessary

If you are still unsure if you have experienced a loss, failure or undeservedplight, answer one or more of the following questions (which focus onfailure to exemplify the points made):

How valid is my conclusion that I failed (for example)?

Would an objective jury agree that I failed? If not, what would the jury's verdict be?

Is my conclusion that I failed realistic? If not, what is a more realistic conclusion?

If I asked someone whom I could trust to give me an objective opinion about myconclusion that I failed, what would the person say to me and why? What conclusionwould this person encourage me to make instead?

If a friend had told me that they had made the same conclusion that they had failed,what would I say to them about the validity of their conclusion and why? Whatconclusion would I encourage this friend to make instead?

Assessing and dealing with emotional problemsabout depression

In Chapter 2, I discussed the concept of meta-disturbance (literally dis-turbance about disturbance). It is important to assess carefully the natureof this meta-disturbance about depression before you can best deal with it.

The best way to start dealing with the assessment of any emotionalproblems you might have about depression is to ask yourself the question:`How do I feel about being depressed?' The most common emotional prob-lems that people have about depression are as follows: anxiety, depression,guilt, shame and unhealthy self-anger. I discuss only the second of these inthis chapter, i.e. depression about depression, and refer you to the respec-tive chapters on anxiety, guilt, shame and unhealthy anger for how to dealwith these emotional problems as applied to depression.


Assessing depression about depression

When you are depressed about depression, it is clear that you think of youroriginal depression as a loss, failure or undeserved plight. The mostcommon of these inferences are as follows:

Depression means that I have lost connection with people (in the sociotropic realm).

Depression means that I have to rely on others (in the autonomic realm).

Depression is an additional undeserved burden I have to deal with (in theundeservingness realm).

Dealing with depression about depression

Unless you deal with your depression about depression (called meta-depression), you are unlikely to deal with your original depression, sinceyour meta-depression will lead to you focus on themes about which youare likely to feel even more depressed. Thus, meta-depression (if youexperience it) often has to be dealt with before you deal with your originaldepression.

As I have made clear in this book, it is important that you develop andapply rational beliefs about loss, failure and undeserved plight, whilebecoming more active and while letting be (i.e. not engaging with or dis-tracting yourself from) any remaining post-irrational belief negativethoughts or images you may have. With these points in mind, let me giveyou brief advice of how to deal with the three forms of depression aboutdepression I have listed.

Dealing with the loss of connection with others

This is an issue that you are more likely to have if your depression is in thesociotropic realm than in the autonomous or undeservingness realms. Inorder to deal with this issue you need to do the following. First, develop aset of rational beliefs about the loss of connection with others (afterquestioning both your irrational and rational beliefs as outlined in Appen-dices 2±5). These may be ego in nature (e.g. `I would prefer not to loseconnection with others, but that does not mean it must not happen. If itdoes, that is unfortunate, but it does not prove I am unlovable. I am anunrateable person who is capable of being loved whether I am connected toothers or not') or non-ego in nature (e.g. `I would prefer not to lose con-nection with others, but that does not mean it must not happen. If it does, it


is a struggle for me to put up with this uncomfortable situation, but I cantolerate it and it is worth it to me to do so').Then, it's useful for you developa shorthand version of these rational beliefs (e.g. `Connection with othersis good, but not necessary') and use this before seeking to reconnect withothers and as you do so.

Dealing with relying on others

When you are depressed, you may lose some autonomy and be forced torely on others. This is a particular problem for those who are rigid abouthaving autonomy. If you are likely to make yourself depressed about havingto rely on others, this is what you need to do. First, develop a set of rationalbeliefs about having to rely on others (after questioning both your irrationaland rational beliefs as outlined in Appendices 2±5). Again, these may beego in nature (e.g. Ì would prefer not to rely on others, but I do not alwayshave my wish ful®lled on this issue. If I do have to rely on others this doesnot prove I am a weak person. I am a fallible person whose worth does notchange if I have to rely on others') or non-ego in nature (e.g. Ì would prefernot to rely on others, but I do not always have to have my wish ful®lled onthis issue. If I do have to rely on others that's unfortunate, but it isn'tterrible'). Then, it's again useful to develop a shorthand version of theserational beliefs (e.g. Ì am fallible, not weak, if I have to rely on others') anduse this before seeking help from others and as you do so.

Dealing with the additional burden of depression

The ®rst step to dealing with this depression is to assume temporarily thatdepression is an additional burden. Then, develop a set of rational beliefsabout having such undeserved plight (after questioning both your irrationaland rational beliefs as outlined in Appendices 2±4). These are likely to benon-ego in nature (e.g. Ì would prefer not to have this additional undeservedburden on me, but that does not mean that I must not have it. It isunfortunate that I have it, but not terrible and I am not a poor person as aresult. I am a non-poor person in a poor situation'). Once again it's useful todevelop a shorthand version of this rational belief (e.g. `Depression is poor,but I'm not') and use this before tackling your original depression.

Your clients will sometimes need to address their depression aboutdepression (i.e. their secondary depression) before they address theirprimary depression. They need to do this particularly when theirsecondary depression gets in the way of them dealing with their


primary depression. However, despite the interfering presence ofsecondary depression, some clients still want to target their primarydepression ®rst. There are two ways of dealing with this situation:

Provide a rationale to help your clients target their secondary depression. Forexample, explain to your clients that their secondary depression is like having aball and chain around their leg while they are climbing a steep hill (akin totheir primary depression). In the same way as climbing the hill is easier whenthey remove the ball and chain from their leg, dealing with their primarydepression is easier when they deal with their secondary depression ®rst.

Go along with your clients' wish to deal with their primary depression andwhen they fail to do so, help them to understand that the reason why theyfailed is because they had not addressed their secondary depression and thenagree that they will now do so.

Developing and rehearsing a non-depressed worldview

People develop views of the world as it relates to them that make it more orless likely that they will experience unhealthy negative emotions. The worldviews that render you vulnerable to depression do so in a similar way toyour perfectionistic general irrational beliefs about a speci®c loss, failure orundeserved plight theme by making you focus unduly on the presence ofloss, failure or undeserved plight about which you hold depression relatedirrational beliefs. However, these depression based world views have thiseffect on you much more widely.

It is important that you develop realistic views of the world that will helpyou to deal with depression. In Table 3, you will ®nd an illustrative list ofsuch world views rather than an exhaustive one, so you can get an idea ofwhat I mean, which will enable you to develop your own. In Table 3, I ®rstdescribe a world view that renders you vulnerable to depression and then Igive its healthy alternative. You will see that the latter is characterised by itscomplexity and non-extreme nature, whereas in the former, aspects of theworld that relate to loss, failure and undeserved plight are portrayed asunidimensional and extreme.

If you hold rational beliefs that are consistent with the views of the worldlisted on the right hand side of Table 3 and if you act and think in ways thatare, in turn, consistent with these rational beliefs, then doing all this willhelp you become less prone to depression.

In Chapter 4, I discuss guilt and how to deal with it.


Table 3 World views that render you vulnerable to depression and help you to deal withdepression

Views of the world that render youvulnerable to depression

Views of the world that help youdeal with depression

The world is a bad place The world is a place where bad, goodand neutral things happen

Life is ultimately meaningless Life neither has meaning nor ismeaningless. I can ®nd and activelypursue a number of meaningfulprojects over my life span

People will ultimately reject me,therefore it is best not be get involvedwith them

Some people will reject me, others willnot. I can actively involve myself inrelationships in light of this fact

People cannot be trusted People vary enormously along acontinuum of trustworthiness. My beststance is to trust someone unless Ihave evidence to the contrary. If I am letdown that is very unfortunate, buthardly terrible and won't unduly affectmy stance towards the next person Imeet

The world is made up of strong andweak people

The world is made up of people who allhave their strengths and weaknesses


Dealing with guilt

In this chapter, I begin by presenting RECBT's way of understanding guiltand then address how to deal with this emotional problem.

UNDERSTANDING GUILT

In understanding guilt, we need to know what we tend to make ourselvesguilty about (i.e. its major inference themes), what beliefs we hold, how weact or tend to act, and how we think when we are feeling guilty.

I mentioned in previous chapters that it is important that you useyour client's language when referring to emotional problems. Withrespect to the term `guilt', the main issue is that clients often con-fuse the emotion of `guilt' at `C' with being guilty of something at`A'. Here, you need to help them to see that the two are different andjust because they were `guilty' of something at `A', it does not followthat they felt guilty about it at `C'. Thus, they could have feltremorseful about it which, in RECBT, is seen as the healthy alter-native to guilt. However, other clients say that they feel `remorseful'when they do actually experience `guilt'. Your task is to satisfyyourself and your clients that they do have a `guilt' problem and touse whatever term the client resonates with in therapy. When youhave done so, write this term down in your client's notes.

Major inference themes in guilt

There are three major themes in relation to your personal domain that areimplicated in guilt:

You have broken your moral code (i.e. you have done the wrong thing).

You have failed to live up to your moral code (i.e. you failed to do the right thing).

You have hurt someone's feelings.

4

Some clients may not resonate to the above schema and, in thesecases, you should encourage them to put it aside and just focus onwhat they tend to feel guilty about. RECBT theory values ¯exibilityand this includes the freedom not to use RECBT terms, schemesand frameworks.

Irrational beliefs

As I explained in Chapter 1, according to RECBT, inferences on their owndo not account for emotional problems. It is possible, therefore, for you tomake the same inferences as listed above and be remorseful, but not guilty.In order for you to feel guilty when you think that you have done the wrongthing, failed to do the right thing or hurt someone's feelings, you have tohold an irrational belief. In guilt, this will involve you holding a rigid beliefand an extreme self-depreciation belief.

If your clients are unsure about the mediating role that irrationalbeliefs play in their guilt, ask them how they would feel if theyreally believed the rational alternatives to what RECBT holds aretheir guilt creating irrational beliefs. In using this strategy, it isimportant that you formulate the rational beliefs for your clients,who cannot be expected to do this for themselves at this stage.When you do this, ensure that you match your clients' rigid beliefwith a ¯exible alternative and their extreme self-depreciationbelief with a non-extreme unconditional self-acceptance alter-native, and then ask them how they would feel if they had strongconviction in this rational belief.

For example: `Let me outline two sets of beliefs about hurtingyour friend's feelings and you tell me which leads to guilt andwhich leads to remorse without guilt. The ®rst set of beliefs is asfollows: ``I absolutely should not have hurt my friend's feelingsand I am a bad person for doing so.'' The second set of beliefs is: ``Iwould have much preferred not to have hurt my friend's feelings,but sadly I'm not immune from doing so and neither do I have tobe so immune. I am not a bad person for hurting my friend'sfeelings, rather I am a fallible human being who is capable ofdoing right and wrong.'' Now which set of beliefs would lead toguilt and which set would lead to remorse without guilt?'

Once your clients can see that their irrational beliefs underpinguilt and their rational beliefs underpin remorse, they have under-stood the mediating role of beliefs.



It addresses your clients' doubts about the mediating role of irrational beliefsin guilt if they have such concern.

It introduces rational beliefs as a meaningful alternative to these irrationalbeliefs.

It helps your clients to see that holding rational beliefs can have bene®cialeffects.

Behaviour associated with guilt

When you hold an irrational belief about doing the wrong thing, failing todo the right thing or hurting someone's feelings, you will act or tend to actin a number of ways, the most common of which are as follows:

You escape from the unhealthy pain of guilt in self-defeating ways.

You beg forgiveness from the person you have wronged.

You promise unrealistically that you will not `sin' again.

You punish yourself physically or by deprivation.

You defensively disclaim responsibility for wrongdoing.

You reject offers of forgiveness.

You will see from the above list that these behaviours get in the way of youthinking clearly about you did or what you failed to do and the reasons forthis so that you can understand and learn from the situation.

If you ask your clients whether they want to change their guiltrelated behaviour, their response will be affected by their mood. Ifthey are currently feeling guilty, they are less likely to see that thisbehaviour is dysfunctional than when they are not feeling guilty.Also, if they do feel guilty, they may think that they warrant beingpunished or punishing themselves. In these circumstances, it maybe useful to encourage them to imagine that they are advising afriend who displays the same guilt related behaviour as they do.What would they say to this friend about the functionality ordysfunctionality of such behaviour? They are more likely to see

89Dealing with guilt

that their own guilt related behaviour is dysfunctional after theyhave told this `friend' that the same behaviour is dysfunctional.

Thinking associated with guilt

When you hold an irrational belief about doing the wrong thing, failing todo the right thing or hurting someone's feelings, you will tend to think in anumber of ways. Remember what I said in Chapter 1: the thinking thataccompanies your guilt is the result of your inference (i.e. that you did thewrong thing, failed to do the right thing or hurt others in some way) beingprocessed by your irrational belief and therefore it is likely to contain anumber of thinking errors that I present in Appendix 1. I list the mainfeatures of this post-irrational belief guilty thinking below:

You conclude that you have de®nitely committed the sin.

You assume more personal responsibility than the situation warrants.

You assign far less responsibility to others than is warranted.

You dismiss possible mitigating factors for your behaviour.

You see your behaviour only in a guilt-related context and fail to put it into an overallcontext.

You think that you will receive retribution.

As you can see, such thinking exaggerates the degree of responsibility youhave, and the negative consequences of your behaviour and also ignoresthe role of context. As with post-irrational belief anxiety thinking anddepressed thinking, post-irrational belief guilty thinking may be in words orin mental images.

One of the main features of post-irrational belief thinking is thatit is compelling. As such, it is quite easy for your clients to getcaught up in this way of thinking and think that it re¯ects reality.This is an example of `cognitive-emotive' reasoning: if a thought isplausible and emotionally compelling, therefore it must be true. Itis important that you help your clients to understand how theirmind works with respect to the thinking consequences of irrationalbeliefs and to encourage them to use such thoughts to go back toaddress the irrational beliefs that spawn them. When they havedone this, you can encourage them to respond to these thinkingconsequences of irrational beliefs as the iBs will not disappear just


because they have questioned these beliefs. When your clientsrespond to these thinking consequences of iBs, they need to do soonly a few times on any one occasion. After that, they need toaccept the presence of such thinking without engaging with it.



trace these back to the source of this mode of thinking (i.e. identify theunderlying irrational beliefs)





HOW TO DEAL WITH GUILT

If you are prone to guilt, you tend to experience this emotional problem in avariety of different settings and in response to a variety of perceived moralcode violations and failures as well as times when you in¯icted hurt onothers. Here is how to deal with guilt so that you become less prone to it.

Step 1: Identify reasons why guilt is a problem for youand why you want to change

While guilt is generally regarded as an emotional problem, it is useful foryou to spell out reasons why guilt is a problem for you and why you want tochange. I suggest that you keep a written list of these reasons and refer to itas needed as a reminder of why you are engaged in a self-help programme.I discuss the healthy alternative to guilt in Step 4.

It is important to remember that people who feel guilty a lot of thetime think that `feeling guilty' is an appropriate response to acts ofmoral commission or omission or hurting the feelings of others.In these circumstances, it is important to introduce the idea offeeling remorseful as the healthy alternative to guilt a little earlier


than you would normally do (see Step 4). When you have done so,you can then carry out a cost-bene®t analysis of guilt and itshealthy alternative, remorse. This involves helping your clients tospell out the perceived advantages and disadvantages of both emo-tions. Respond to any perceived advantages of guilt and perceiveddisadvantages of remorse, correcting any misconceptions that yourclients reveal on these issues.

For example, imagine that your clients think that feeling guiltywill help stop them from breaking their moral code in the futureand that feeling remorseful would not achieve the same end. Inthis case, help them to see that precisely the reverse is true. The self-depreciation belief that your clients hold when they experienceguilt is some variant of `I am a bad person'. If that is the way thatthey think of themselves, they are more, rather than less, likely tobreak their code since bad people do bad things. The unconditionalself-accepting belief that underpins remorse is likely to protect theperson from breaking their code since it does the following:

It helps the client to distinguish right from wrong.

It articulates that it is better to do the right thing than the wrong thing since itis based on a ¯exible belief about moral code violation.

It helps the person see that they are more likely to do the right thing if they seethemselves as fallible than if they see themselves as bad.

Step 2: Take responsibility for your guilt

In RECBT, we argue that what you do or don't do does not make you feelguilty; rather you create these feelings by the rigid and extreme beliefs thatyou hold about what you do or don't do. Unless you accept this point, youwill not address your guilt productively. Rather, you will think that the onlyway not to feel guilty is by always acting morally and never hurting people'sfeelings. This will perpetuate your guilt rather than deal with it.

The idea that emotional problems (including guilt) are basedlargely on the way that a person thinks about what happens tothem is, as you know, a central plank in RECBT. However, formany clients it will be a new idea. Thus, your clients may hold thatthe reason they are guilty, for example, is that it is inherentlywrong to hurt someone's feelings and that guilt is caused by such a


wrongdoing. It may seem that the client is taking responsibilityfor this emotion of guilt and is taking responsibility for theirwrongdoing.

However, on closer inspection this is not the case. In RECBT, wedon't say that wrongdoing causes guilt. This is an example of À-C'thinking where À' is the person's action of wrongdoing and `C' isthe emotion of guilt. Rather, we argue that the reason that theperson experiences guilt is largely due to the fact that they hold aset of irrational beliefs about such wrongdoing. If the person helda set of rational beliefs about the wrongdoing, they would experi-ence remorse rather than guilt.

What you need to do, then, is to help your client see that theycreate their guilty emotion by holding a set of irrational beliefsabout the wrongdoing. In this way, you can help them take twotypes of responsibility, not only for their actions but also for theirrational beliefs that underpin their guilt.

If your clients continue to have dif®culty accepting responsibilityfor their guilty feelings, it is important for you to identify thesource of this dif®culty. In the Client's Guide, I mention onecommon obstacle that stops clients from accepting such responsi-bility (i.e. the self-blame that clients would engage were they toassume responsibility for making themselves guilty). However, thereare other obstacles to accepting responsibility such as the following:

Hopelessness about change (e.g. Ì am a bad person. I don't just think I am').Here the person is reluctant to see his guilt as a belief problem. He considersthat he is bad because of his actions or inactions. The best intervention hereinvolves invoking the client's empathy by asking if he would tell a loved onewho did exactly the same thing that he did, for example, that they were badthrough and through for doing so. If the client can assume the role of com-passionate observer (rather than self-punitive experiencer) it often helps thisperson to see that his guilt is a belief problem (e.g. Ì think I am bad') for whichhe can take responsibility and thereby change rather than an identity problem(e.g. Ì am bad. I don't just think I am') which he can't do anything about if itwere true.

The need for divine forgiveness (e.g. Ì cannot forgive myself for what I havedone. Only God can forgive me'). If your client holds to this position, there arefour ways of responding:

If he is a Christian show him that Christ advises that we accept the sinner,but not the sin (a position similar to unconditional self-acceptance).Ask the client how he knows that divine forgiveness does not work throughself-forgiveness.


Ask him how he knows when God forgives him? Also enquire how long doeshe have to condemn himself for God to forgive him? What would he say to achild who asks him these questions?If all else fails, ®nd and use a religious representative whose views comple-ment that of RECBT since such a person may be a more acceptable authority.


Step 3: Identify the themes you tend to be guiltyabout

The best way of identifying guilt related inference themes to which you areparticularly vulnerable is by understanding the themes associated withguilt, and seeing which are present when you feel guilty. As I outlinedabove, there are three such themes:

You have broken your moral code (i.e. you have done the wrong thing).

You have failed to live up to your moral code (i.e. you have failed to do the rightthing).

You have hurt someone's feelings.

If your clients ®nd it dif®cult to ®nd their guilt related theme, youcan help them by assessing a few speci®c examples of their guilt.Have them focus on a speci®c situation in which they felt guiltyand ask them what they were most guilty about. If they still ®nd itdif®cult to identify the theme in this or other speci®c situations,use the `magic question' technique. This involves you doing thefollowing:

Have your clients focus on the situation in which they felt guilt.

Ask them to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantlyreduce their guilt without changing the situation.

The opposite of this nominated ingredient is what they are most guilty about.


Lara was struggling to identify the speci®c theme in her guilt about notvisiting her mother, with whom she had a stormy relationship. Lara'stherapist helped Lara to use the `magic question' technique as follows:

He asked Lara to focus on the situation in which she felt guilty:`I am watching a woman my age and her mother having a coffee.'

He asked Lara to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or signi-®cantly reduce her guilt without changing the situation:`Making more of an effort to understand my mother when I was younger.'

The opposite of this nominated ingredient was what she is most guiltyabout:`Not making more of an effort to understand my mother when I wasyounger.'

If you assess a number of speci®c examples of your clients' guiltthis way, the guilt related theme should be apparent. In Lara'scase, it was being aware that she had acted sel®shly toward hermother when she was growing up.

It may be that there are two guilt related themes present in yourclient's guilt. For example, your client may feel guilty about doingthe wrong thing and about failing to do the right thing. If this isthe case, deal with them one at a time and have your clientnominate the theme which they want to focus on ®rst.

Step 4: Identify the three components of your guiltresponse and set goals with respect to eachcomponent

The next step is for you to list the three elements of your guilt response inthe face of each of the relevant themes listed above.

Identify the three components of your guilt response

I use the term `guilt response' to describe the three main components thatmake up this response. The three components of your guilt response arethe emotional, behavioural and thinking components.

Emotional component

The emotional component here is, of course, guilt.



The behavioural component concerns overt behaviour or action tendenciesthat you engage in or `feel like' engaging in when you feel guilty. Consultthe list that I provided to help you identify your behaviour associated witheach relevant theme when you are guilty (see p. 89).

Thinking component

The thinking component associated with guilt is listed on p. 90. Again thesemay be in words or in mental pictures. Consult the list if necessary.


You need to set goals so that you know what you are striving for when youdeal effectively with guilt. The three goals are emotional, behavioural andthinking goals.

Emotional goal

Your emotional goal is remorse rather than guilt (or whatever synonym youprefer to the term `remorse'). Remorse is a healthy negative emotion whichis an appropriate response to doing the wrong thing, not doing the rightthing or hurting someone's feelings. It helps you to think objectively aboutthe situation and your response to it and helps you to move on with yourlife rather than get stuck or bogged down.

The concept that remorse is the healthy alternative to guilt in theface of doing the wrong thing, failing to do the right thing orhurting someone's feelings is based on the following idea. Theseadversities are negative and therefore it is realistic to have a nega-tive emotion about them. The choice, therefore, is between anunhealthy negative emotion (guilt) or a healthy negative emotion(remorse). However, what if your clients specify unrealistic goals?Here are a number of such goals and how to respond to clients whonominate them:

`I don't want to feel guilt.'Show your clients that they have indicated what they do not want to feel in theface of doing the wrong thing, failing to do the right thing or hurting


someone's feelings, but not what they do want to feel. Help them to specify anemotion to aim for like remorse!

`I want to feel less guilty.'Show your clients that as guilt is a disturbed emotion, wanting to feel lessguilty is still to nominate a disturbed emotion, albeit of lesser intensity. Showthem that remorse can be strong and healthy.

`I don't want to feel anything.'Not feeling anything in the face of doing the wrong thing, failing to do the rightthing or hurting someone's feelings will not help your clients to be appro-priately geared up to deal with it. Help them to see this. Also show them that theonly way that they could achieve a state of not feeling anything is to feelcompletely indifferent about doing the wrong thing, failing to do the rightthing or hurting someone's feelings. This could be called the psychopathicoption ± believing that you just don't care whether or not you have done thewrong thing, failed to do the right thing or hurt someone's feelings. In order todo this, your clients (assuming that they are not psychopathic) would have tolie to themselves. Show them this and discourage them from setting such a goal.

Behavioural goal

Your behavioural goal should re¯ect actions that are based on remorseabout doing the wrong thing, not doing the right thing or hurting someone'sfeelings rather than guilt. The following are the most common behavioursassociated with remorse. You may wish to compare these behaviours withthose associated with guilt that I presented on p. 89.

You face up to the healthy pain that accompanies the realisation that you have sinned.

You ask, but do not beg, for forgiveness.

You understand the reasons for your wrongdoing and act on your understanding.

You atone for the sin by taking a penalty.

You make appropriate amends.

You do not make excuses for your behaviour or enact other defensive behaviour.

You accept offers of forgiveness.

It is important that your clients understand that as they strive todevelop healthy behavioural responses to doing the wrong thing,failing to do the right thing or hurting someone's feelings, they willstill feel the urge to act in ways that are dysfunctional, as listed onp. 89. Help them to understand the reason for this. Explain to themthat as they question their beliefs and commit themselves to


strengthening their conviction in their rational beliefs and toweakening their conviction in their irrational beliefs, their irra-tional beliefs will still be active and producing urges for them toact dysfunctionally. Encourage your clients to accept these urges,to recognise that they do not have to act on them and to use themas cues to act in functional ways.

Thinking goal

As well as setting behavioural goals related to the feeling of remorse aboutdoing the wrong thing, not doing the right thing or hurting someone'sfeelings, it is important that you set thinking goals associated with thisemotion. The following are the most common forms of thinking associatedwith remorse rather than guilt. Again you may wish to compare these formsof thinking with those associated with guilt that I presented on p. 90.

You take into account all relevant data when judging whether or not you have`sinned'.

You assume an appropriate level of personal responsibility.

You assign an appropriate level of responsibility to others.

You take into account mitigating factors.

You put your behaviour into overall context.

You think you may be penalised rather than receive retribution.

As the above list shows, the dominant feature of thinking associated withremorse is that it is realistic and balanced. Please remember that suchthinking may be in words or in mental pictures.

The point I made above with respect to clients' behavioural goals isalso relevant with respect to their thinking goals. Clients will stillhave some conviction in their irrational beliefs until they have fullconviction in their rational beliefs. Given this, your clients' irra-tional beliefs will have some impact on their subsequent thinkingas they strive to achieve their goals. Thus, highly distorted thoughtswill still come into your clients' minds. Help your clients to under-stand why this is the case. When you come to help them deal withthese forms of post-irrational belief thinking, do one or more ofthe following as indicated. Discuss this issue with your RECBTsupervisor, if necessary:






A general irrational belief leading to your guilt response is an irrationalbelief that you hold across situations de®ned by one of the followingthemes: breaking your moral code, failing to live up to your moral code orhurting someone's feelings. Its rational alternative, which will also begeneral in nature, will account for your remorse response.


When you identify a general irrational belief, you take a common guiltrelated theme (i.e. doing the wrong thing, failing to do the right thing orhurting someone's feelings) and add to this a general rigid belief and themain extreme belief that is derived from the rigid belief. In guilt, your mainextreme belief will be a self-depreciation belief. For example:

`I must not hurt my family's feelings and if I do, I am bad.'


When you identify your alternative general rational belief, you take the samecommon theme (i.e. doing the wrong thing, failing to do the right thing orhurting someone's feelings) and add to this a general ¯exible belief and themain non-extreme belief that is derived from the ¯exible belief. In remorse,your main non-extreme belief will be an unconditional self-acceptancebelief. For example:

`I really don't want to hurt my family's feelings, but that does not mean that I mustnever do so. If I do, that would be bad, but it would not prove that I am bad. I amfallible and capable of doing good and bad things.'



The reason I have chosen to go `general' rather than `speci®c'when helping readers to deal with their emotional problems is apragmatic one. In this book, I aim to help people to deal witha range of emotional problems and therefore, in my view, it is bestto give readers general guidance with respect to dealing with thisrange of problems and then help them to move from the generalto the speci®c rather than vice versa. My considered view was thatI just do not have the space to help readers focus on speci®cexamples of their emotional problems and then generalise fromthis speci®c level.

Consequently, one way that you can help your clients who areusing the Client's Guide is to help them to work with speci®cexamples of their emotional problem, in this case guilt. Use thefollowing sequence as you do so and help your clients to

select a speci®c example of their guilt problem

express why their guilt constitutes a problem for them

identify what they felt most guilty about in the situation

identify the three speci®c components of their guilt response and set speci®cgoals with respect to each component



In helping your clients to deal with a speci®c example of theirguilt, you can teach them how to use RECBT's ABCD form, whichappears in Appendix 6.


face up to what they did that was wrong, what they failed to do that wouldhave been right or hurting someone's feelings in imagery (if necessary)


face the person who they wronged, failed to do right by or whose feelings theyhurt in reality (if possible) and take appropriate action


Generalise their learning.


I recommended in Chapters 2 and 3 that you ®rst question together yourgeneral rigid belief and its general ¯exible belief alternative and then ques-tion together your general extreme belief and your general non-extremebelief.







Question your general self-depreciation belief and itsgeneral unconditional self-acceptance belief alternative

Next, take your general self-depreciation belief and its general uncondi-tional self-acceptance belief alternative and again write them down next toone another on a sheet of paper. Then, ask yourself the same three ques-tions that you used with your general rigid belief and its general ¯exiblebelief alternative. Again write down your answer to each of these questionson your piece of paper, giving your reasons for each answer. I suggest thatyou consult Appendix 5 (for help with questioning self-depreciation beliefs


and unconditional self-acceptance beliefs). Again, you need to adapt andapply these arguments to the beliefs you are questioning.



I have suggested that readers question their rigid belief and their¯exible beliefs together and then their self-depreciation belief andtheir unconditional self-acceptance belief equivalent togetherusing three criteria as shown below:



Self-depreciation belief vs. unconditional self-acceptance belief



Rigid belief


Flexible belief



Self-depreciation belief


Unconditional self-acceptance belief


And also:

Rigid belief

empirical status

Flexible belief

empirical status

Rigid belief

logical status

Flexible belief

logical status

Rigid belief

pragmatic status

Flexible belief

pragmatic status


empirical status


empirical status


logical status


logical status


pragmatic status


pragmatic status.



Step 7: Take an appropriate amount of responsibilityand understand your behaviour in context

Once you have committed yourself to your general rational belief, it isimportant that you look again at events about which you have made yourselfguilty, but this time you need to view them through the eyes of your generalrational beliefs (i.e. ¯exible and unconditional self-acceptance beliefs).This basically involves you taking responsibility for your behaviour, butrecognising that others have responsibility too. It also involves you under-standing your behaviour in context. This means that you need to considerthe factors involved in the situation. When you feel guilt, you see things inblack and white and tend to take far too much responsibility and edit out theimpact of other factors which are external to you. In remorse, you recognisethe complexity of the situation and the fact that there are many in¯uenceson your behaviour.

As such, remorse helps you to learn from situations in which you thinkyou have broken or failed to live up to your moral code or that you have hurtsomeone's feelings and to use this learning in future situations.

In other forms of CBT, therapists tend to help their clients toconsider the extent of their responsibility and that of others muchearlier in the therapy process than do RECBT therapists. Whenyour clients indicate clear distortions of personal responsibility inthe early phase of discussing their guilt problem, it is tempting tointervene and help them to consider this issue. It is important thatyou refrain from doing so for the following reason. RECBT theoryargues that such clear distortions of personal responsibility anddif®culty in considering one's behaviour in an overall context stemlargely from irrational beliefs and unless your clients address theirirrational beliefs ®rst, they will re¯ect on matters to do with per-sonal responsibility and with placing their behaviour in its propercontext through the distorting lens of their irrational beliefs. Thus,


help your clients to understand the importance of dealing withtheir irrational beliefs before re¯ecting on these other matters.

Step 8: Face your guilt related theme in imagery

I hope that you have made a commitment to act on your general rationalbeliefs (i.e. ¯exible belief and unconditional self-acceptance belief ).Assuming that you have, your basic task is to face up to doing the wrongthing, failing to do the right thing or hurting someone's feelings and to learnto think rationally about it.

Up to this point you have worked at a general level with respect to yourguilt related theme, dealing with the general irrational beliefs that accountfor your guilt and developing your alternative general rational beliefs.However, when you come to apply your general rational beliefs in dealingwith breaking or failing to live up to your moral code or hurting someone,you need to bear in mind one important point. Since you make yourselfguilty about speci®c events (actual or imagined), you need to deal withthese by rehearsing speci®c variants of your general rational beliefs.

While the best way to do this is in speci®c situations with people whowere involved when you broke your moral code, failed to live up to yourmoral code or whose feelings you hurt, you may derive bene®t by usingimagery ®rst. If this is the case, you need to do the following:

Imagine a speci®c situation in which you felt guilty or may feel guilty about breakingor failing to live up to your moral code or hurting someone's feelings and focus, inyour mind's eye, on what you felt most guilty about (i.e. your À').

Focus on this À' while rehearsing a speci®c rational belief relevant to the situation.As you do this, try to make yourself feel remorseful, rather than guilty.

Then see yourself acting in ways consistent with your rational belief, e.g. apologise,make amends and engage the other in a productive dialogue.



If you ®nd that facing your guilt related À', in your mind's eye, is too muchfor you, use the `challenging, but not overwhelming' principle. This meansthat instead of imagining yourself facing a moral code violation (commissionor omission) or hurting someone's feelings that you ®nd òverwhelming' at


the present time, choose a similar guilt related À' that you would ®nd`challenging, but not overwhelming'. Then employ the same steps that I haveoutlined above. Work in this way with modi®ed guilt related À's' until you®nd your original one `challenging, but not overwhelming' and then use thesteps again.

Some of your clients may say that they can't get very clear imageswhen they try to picture events in their mind's eye. While they mayget more out of imagery techniques if they can get such clear images,they will still get something out of facing shame related situationsin imagery if they don't. So, if your clients want to face their par-ticular adversity in imagery before they do so in reality, encouragethem to do so no matter how clear their mental images are.

Step 9: Apologise, make amends and talk thingsthrough

Once you have understood your behaviour in context and taken respon-sibility for what you are in fact responsible for, you are in a position to acton this. This may mean apologising to relevant others for your behaviourand/or making amends to them in some way. Whatever action you need totake, you ®rst need to get into a rational frame of mind. When you feelremorseful, but not guilty, you are encouraged to engage others in aproductive dialogue about the situation in question, if they are amenable todoing so. The purpose of this dialogue is mutual understanding andreconciliation.

It is particularly helpful to encourage your clients to utilise thelanguage of their ¯exible and unconditional self-acceptance beliefswhen implementing this step, although your clients need to put thisinto their own words. For example, your client may say: Ì am sorrythat I hurt your feelings and I hope you can forgive me for doing so.I was angry and while it was bad that I expressed myself in the waythat I did, I hope you can see that I am not a bad person for doingso. Can we talk about this as two fallible human beings?'


When you have faced a situation in which you experienced guilt and dealtwith it as best you could, it is important that you re¯ect on what you did and


what you learned. In particular, if you were able to face the situation,rehearse your speci®c rational beliefs until you felt remorse, then askyourself how you can capitalise on what you achieved. If you experiencedany problems, respond to the following questions:


Did I rehearse my rational beliefs before, during or after facing the situation, and ifnot, why not?



Re¯ect on your experience and put into practice what you learned the nexttime you face a situation in which you considered that you did the wrongthing, failed to do the right thing or hurt someone's feelings.



Once you have dealt with your guilt in a speci®c situation by holding therelevant speci®c version of your general rational belief, and by acting andthinking in ways that are consistent with it, you can generalise this learningto situations de®ned by you breaking or failing to live up to your moral codeor hurting others' feelings.

Billy was particularly prone to guilt about hurting others' feelings, so he followedthe steps outlined in this chapter. Thus:

Billy assessed the three components of his guilt response and set goals withrespect to all three components.

He identi®ed his relevant general irrational belief regarding hurting others'feelings (i.e. `I must not hurt people's feelings and if I do, I'm a bad person')that underpinned his guilt response and his alternative general rational belief(i.e. `I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I am not immune from doing soand nor do I have to be so immune. If I do hurt others' feelings it is bad, but Iam not a bad person. I am an ordinary fallible person who has done somethingbad') that underpinned his remorse response.


He questioned both elements of his general irrational belief and his generalrational belief until he clearly saw that the former were false, made no senseand were detrimental to him and that the latter were true, sensible and healthy.

He thought about what he was actually responsible for and what others wereresponsible for and saw that there were other factors involved which he didnot take into account when he felt guilty, which needed to be factored in andunderstood. Then he met with these others, apologised and made amendswhen he needed to and talked things through with them.

As he did so he tolerated the discomfort that he felt and accepted that some ofhis distorted and skewed negative thinking would still be in his mind as he didso. He let such thinking be without engaging with it, suppressing it ordistracting himself from it.

As this section shows, you can generalise what you learn about dealingwith guilt from situation to situation as de®ned by your moral code viola-tion, failure to live up to that code or by hurting others' feelings. If you dothis, you will take the toxicity out of the emotional problem of guilt!

USING RECBT'S ABCD FORM TO DEAL WITHSPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF YOUR GUILT

This chapter is mainly geared to help you deal with your guilt in generalterms. However, you can also use this material to address speci®c examplesof your guilt. I have developed a self-help form to provide the structure toassist you in this regard. It is called the ABCD form and it appears withinstructions in Appendix 6.


OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES IN DEALING WITHGUILT

In the above section, I outlined an eleven step programme to deal with guilt.In this section, I discuss some other important issues that may be relevantto you in your work to become less prone to this emotional problem. If youwant to, you can incorporate them as additional steps in the above step-by-step guide at points relevant to you.


Dealing with your safety-seeking measures to avoidguilt

I mentioned in Chapter 2 that people use safety-seeking measures toprotect themselves from threat. You may use similar measures to protectyourself from feeling guilty. Here is how this works from your perspective.You reason that since you feel guilty about (a) doing the wrong thing, (b)failing to do the right thing and (c) hurting people's feelings, you will takesteps to avoid guilt by always doing the right thing and never hurtingpeople's feelings. Taking this decision means that you will not take risks inlife (in case you do the wrong thing or upset others, for example), alwaysput others ®rst (so that others are not upset) and go out of your way to getpeople to like you (again to ensure that you do not upset them).

However, this behaviour and the reasoning that leads you to take it are¯awed and will serve only to perpetuate your chronic guilt. This is due tothe fact that your guilt is based not on you (a) doing the wrong thing, (b)failing to do the right thing and (c) hurting people's feelings, but on yourirrational beliefs about these three inferences. So, if you want to dealeffectively with guilt, you need to do the following.

Take healthy risks, put yourself ®rst again in a healthy way, and stop going out ofyour way to get people to like you and see what happens. You will probably ®nd thatpeople are not upset as much as you think and that you have not broken any of yourmoral codes.

However, if as a result of your behaviour, you do break one of your moral codes, failto live up to them or upset others, then you can deal with such situations by holdinga set of rational beliefs about them so that you feel healthy remorse and notunhealthy guilt about these consequences.

It is one of the major themes of both the Client's Guide and thisPractitioner's Guide that when your clients come to change theirbehaviour from dysfunctional to functional, they will still experi-ence urges to act dysfunctionally. This is why it is so important tohelp your clients understand the difference between overt actionsand action tendencies. In the present context, this means stressingto your clients as they strive to act in ways that address their guiltfeelings constructively and thus desist from using guilt relatedsafety-seeking strategies, they will still feel the urge to use them.Help them to develop ways of accepting, but not necessarily likingsuch urges and to implement their healthy remorse based beha-viour, even though such aforementioned behaviour may be present


for some time. You may have to help certain clients identify andrespond to irrational beliefs such as: `If I feel the urge to dosomething to get rid of my guilt quickly, then I have to act on thaturge'. Developing and strengthening rational beliefs about theseurges is particularly important for such clients.

Why you feel guilty much of the time and how to dealwith this

If you are particularly prone to guilt, you will think that you often do thewrong thing, fail to do the right thing or hurt the feelings of others. You dothis because you hold the following belief, which I call a `chronic guiltbased general irrational belief':

`Whenever I am involved, I must make sure that nothing bad happens or others'feelings are not hurt. If I don't and bad things happen and others are upset, then it isall my fault and I am a bad person.'

You then take this belief to relevant situations and, even where yourinvolvement is minimal, you think that you are at fault if there is a badoutcome. As a result you constantly think that you are responsible for anynegative outcomes that happen or might happen and end up by blamingyourself.

How to deal with chronic guilt

In order to deal with this chronic sense of guilt, you need to develop andapply an alternative general rational belief which protects you from suchguilt:

`Whenever I am involved, I want to make sure that nothing bad happens or thatothers' feelings are not hurt, but I don't have to succeed in doing so. If I don't andbad things happen and others are upset, then I will take the appropriate level ofresponsibility, assign appropriate responsibility to others and consider the impact ofsituational factors. I will accept myself for failing to adhere to my code and for anyhurt that I inadvertently cause.'

Such a belief will lead you to think that you have broken your moral code,failed to adhere to the code or hurt someone's feelings only when there is


clear evidence for making such an inference. When there is, you will feelremorse rather than guilt because you will be processing this with aspeci®c rational belief.

If your clients ®nd that the above explanation is too complex, youcan help them to see that rigid beliefs about the presence orabsence of guilt related adversities means that if it is not clear thatthey have not broken their moral code, for example, they willassume that they have done so. When their beliefs are ¯exible, theycan be more objective about the presence of these adversities.

How to examine the accuracy of your guilt relatedinference if necessary

If you are still unsure if you have broken your moral code, failed to live up to itor hurt someone's feelings, answer one or more of the following questions:

How valid is my inference that I broke my moral code (for example)?

Would an objective jury agree that I broke my moral code? If not, what would thejury's verdict be?

Is my inference that I broke my moral code realistic? If not, what is a more realisticinference?

If I asked someone whom I could trust to give me an objective opinion about myinference that I broke my moral code, what would the person say to me and why?What inference would this person encourage me to make instead?

If a friend had told me that they had made the same inference about breaking theirmoral code in the same situation, what would I say to them about the validity of theirinference and why? What inference would I encourage this friend to make instead?

Dealing with failure to practise healthy self-care

People who have a chronic problem with guilt ®nd it very hard to practisehealthy self-care. The reason for this is as follows. Healthy self-careinvolves you putting yourself ®rst unless others' needs are truly moreimportant than your own. People with a chronic guilt problem generallythink that others' needs are more important than their own and that to putoneself ®rst is being sel®sh, which if you have a chronic problem you willseek to avoid. Putting others ®rst helps you both to avoid consideringyourself a bad person if you do put yourself ®rst and to feel virtuous.


How to practise healthy self-care

In order to practise healthy self-care, you need to do the following:

Develop a healthy general rational belief that underpins the practice of healthy self-care (e.g. `I am a fallible human being and if I don't look after myself, then nobodywill. I am not a bad person if I put myself ®rst even though doing this is uncom-fortable').

Put this into practice and rehearse shortened speci®c versions of this generalrational belief before you take self-caring action, while you do so and after you havedone so.

Recognise that this will feel very uncomfortable because it will be unfamiliar.However, if you tolerate this discomfort and keep acting in ways that are consistentwith your healthy general rational belief, then this discomfort will subside andeventually practising healthy self-care will become the familiar position for you.

As you help your clients implement a philosophy of healthy self-care, you may well ®nd that some of them may not do so, not forguilt-related reasons, but because they have self-discipline issues. Ifthis is the case, you may want to suggest that they read and followthe guidelines outlined in my book on the subject (Dryden 2009c).

Identifying and dealing with the hidden conceit inguilt

It may sound strange, but when you think about guilt from a particularperspective, an attitude of hidden conceit is revealed. Such conceit isrevealed when you are asked to judge someone who has acted in a situ-ation in the same way as you. Let me give an example to make this clear.

June felt guilty whenever she said `No' to her mother, even when the latter madeunreasonable requests on June, as she increasingly did. June's generalirrational belief with respect to her mother was: `I must make my mother happyand I am bad if I don't.' June's friend Harriet also had a problem saying `No' toher own mother and whenever she discussed her guilt and helplessness withJune, June advised Harriet to think more of herself and lay down boundaries withher mother. This was precisely what June did not do for herself. June's view ofHarriet was that she was a fallible human being with limitations who had to laydown healthy boundaries to deal with this complex situation. June's view ofherself was that she should be a good daughter, strong enough to cope with thedemands of her mother, and that she was bad if she did not. June's hiddenconceit is thus revealed in her differential expectations of herself and Harriet.


She sees Harriet as fallible with limitations. She sees herself as someone whoshould be able to cope with a situation that she does not expect Harriet to beable to cope with. This `holier than thou' attitude is common in guilt: `I must bethoroughly good and if I'm not I'm bad.'

It is very important that you deal with this hidden conceit if you want tobecome less prone to guilt. You do this in ways which should now befamiliar to you:

By all means have high standards of yourself in the moral realm of the personaldomain, but remind yourself that you don't always have to achieve these standards.

Accept yourself as a fallible human being with limitations in the same way as youwould others. Self-compassion is crucial here and I recommend the writings of myfriend and colleague, Professor Paul Gilbert, on this subject (e.g. The CompassionateMind, 2009).

Please bear in mind that some of your clients may not resonatewith the term `hidden conceit'. If this is the case, help them tosuggest a term that is more acceptable to them, but which accur-ately represents the concept.

Can you hurt the feelings of others?

Throughout this chapter I have used terms such as `hurting people'sfeelings'. I have done so because this is how people prone to guilt tend tothink. When you think that you have hurt someone's feelings, this is aninference and, as we have seen in this book, people's emotional problemsare not determined by inferences alone, they are largely determined by theirrational beliefs that they hold about these inferences. Thus, you don't feelguilty because you think you have hurt someone's feelings, you feel guiltybecause you hold an irrational belief about this inference. So in order todeal with guilt, you need to assume temporarily that you did, in fact, hurtsomeone's feelings so that you can identify and deal effectively with yourguilt-inducing irrational beliefs.

When you have done this and are looking back at the event with yourrational mind, it is useful to consider the question: `Can I, in reality, hurt thefeelings of others?' From the perspective of rational-emotive cognitivebehaviour therapy, the answer is `No'. As I will explain in Chapter 6, when aperson feels hurt about someone's behaviour, they do so because they holdan irrational belief about that person's behaviour. So when you say that you


have hurt someone's feelings, you are working on the assumption that yourbehaviour directly makes the other person feel hurt. You are implying thatthe person's beliefs play no part in this, which is patently false. So, it isimportant that you don't take responsibility for the other person's feelings.That does not mean that you can treat another person badly, safe in theknowledge that you aren't responsible for that person's feelings. Far from it!

What I am suggesting is that while you should not take responsibility forthe feelings of others, you should take full responsibility for the way youtreat others. However, taking full responsibility for your behaviour does notmean that you have to blame yourself if you do treat someone badly, forresponsibility is not synonymous with blame. If you do treat someonebadly, it is healthy for you to feel remorse about that, an emotion based ona rational belief which will help you to stand back and learn from theexperience so you are less likely to act that way in future.

While it is important that your clients address their irrationalbeliefs about hurting people's feelings before helping them toreconsider the question of whether you can, in fact, hurt people'sfeelings, occasionally you will need to reverse this order. This will bewhen a client won't deal with their irrational beliefs about hurtingothers' feelings, no matter what strategy you use, until they haveachieved some symptom relief by realising that they did not hurtthe other person's feelings. When they have done so, they becomemore open to the issue of belief change about hurting people'sfeelings. In RECBT, we call this changing À' before changing `B'.

Additionally, you can help some clients deal with this form ofguilt only by encouraging them to see that while they may haveacted badly towards others, which they can take responsibility forand accept themselves for, this does not mean that they have hurtthe feelings of these others. What you are doing here is switchingthe À' from Ì have hurt the feelings of others' to Ì have actedbadly towards others' and then helping them develop rationalbeliefs about this new À'.

Assessing and dealing with emotional problemsabout guilt

In previous chapters, I discussed the concept of meta-disturbance (literallydisturbance about disturbance). It is important to assess carefully thenature of this meta-disturbance about guilt before you can best deal with it.


The best way to start dealing with the assessment of any emotionalproblems you might have about guilt is to ask yourself the question: `Howdo I feel about my feeling of guilt?' The most common emotional problemsthat people have about guilt are as follows: anxiety, depression, shame andunhealthy self-anger. As it is unlikely that you will feel guilty about feelingguilty, I refer you to the chapters on anxiety, depression, shame andunhealthy anger for help on how to deal with these meta-emotional prob-lems about guilt.

Your clients will sometimes need to address their emotional prob-lems about guilt before they address their guilt. They need to dothis particularly when their secondary emotional problem gets inthe way of them dealing with their primary guilt. However, despitethe interfering presence of their secondary problem, some clientsstill want to target their primary guilt. There are two ways ofdealing with this situation:

Provide a rationale to help your clients target their secondary problem. Forexample, explain to your clients that their secondary problem is like having aball and chain around their leg while they are climbing a steep hill (akin totheir primary feelings of guilt). In the same way as climbing the hill is easierwhen they remove the ball and chain from their leg, dealing with their primaryguilt is easier when they deal with their secondary problem ®rst.

Go along with your clients' wish to deal with their primary guilt and when theyfail to do so, help them to understand that the reason why they failed isbecause they had not addressed their secondary problem and then agree thatthey will now do so.

Developing and rehearsing a non-guilty world view

People develop views of the world as it relates to them that make it more orless likely that they will experience unhealthy negative emotions. The worldviews that render you vulnerable to guilt do so in a similar way to thechronic guilt-based general irrational belief discussed above (i.e. `When-ever I am involved, I must make sure that nothing bad happens or others'feelings are not hurt. If I don't, it is all my fault and I am a bad person') bymaking you focus unduly on things you have done that you think are wrong,your failures to do the right thing and the hurt you think you have causedothers. However, these guilt based world views have this effect on youmuch more widely.


It is important that you develop realistic views of the world that will helpyou to deal with guilt. In Table 4, you will ®nd an illustrative list of suchworld views rather than an exhaustive one, so you can get an idea of what Imean, which will enable you to develop your own. In Table 4, I ®rst describea world view that renders you vulnerable to guilt and then I give its healthyalternative. You will see that the latter is characterised by the idea that youare as important and as fallible as others, whereas in the former, you areless important and more responsible than others.

If you hold rational beliefs that are consistent with the views of the worldlisted on the right hand side of Table 4 and if you act and think in ways thatare, in turn, consistent with these rational beliefs, then doing all this willhelp you become less prone to guilt.

In Chapter 5, I discuss shame and how to deal with it.

Table 4 World views that render you vulnerable to guilt and help you to deal with guilt

Views of the world that render youvulnerable to guilt

Views of the world that help youdeal with guilt

Other people's desires are moreimportant than my own

My desires are no less important to methan others' desires are to them. I can¯exibly and healthily prioritise mydesires in the same way as others can¯exibly and healthily prioritise theirs

When I am involved I haveresponsibility for the hurt feelings ofothers

When I am involved, I haveresponsibility for my actions, butultimately I am not responsible for thefeelings of others. They are responsible

In the moral domain, I expect more ofmyself than I do of others

In the moral domain, I can expect thesame of myself as I can expect of others

It is possible to always act morally It is rarely possible to always actmorally since if you do the right thingfrom one perspective you may be doingthe wrong thing from anotherperspective

Saying `No' to others is a sign ofsel®shness

Saying `No' to others may be sel®sh,but is more likely to be a sign of healthyself-care


Dealing with shame

In this chapter, I begin by presenting RECBT's way of understandingshame and then address how to deal with this emotional problem.

UNDERSTANDING SHAME

In understanding shame, we need to know what we tend to make ourselvesfeel ashamed about (i.e. its major inference themes), what beliefs we hold,how we act or tend to act, and how we think when we feel ashamed. Whileshame and guilt are often seen as similar emotions (and they both involveself-depreciation), they differ in the following respects:

The inference themes are different, as we shall see.

In guilt, you tend only to depreciate yourself about your own behaviour and itsconsequences, while you can feel ashamed not only about your own behaviour, butalso about the behaviour of members of a social group with whom you closelyidentify. Thus, while you may talk about bringing shame on your family, you tend notto talk about bringing guilt on your family.

You tend to act and think in different ways when you feel shame than when youfeel guilt.

I mentioned in previous chapters that it is important that you useyour client's language when referring to emotional problems. Withrespect to the term `shame', the main issue is that clients oftenconfuse the emotion of `shame' with the emotion of `guilt'. While Ihave spelled out the differences between the two in the Client'sGuide, if a client prefers to use the term `guilt' rather than`shame', then go along with this to preserve the working alliance,but write this in the client's notes for reference so that youremember the client's preference. Trying to persuade clients to usea term standing for `shame' that does not make sense to them iscounterproductive, even when this term is a more accurate repre-sentation of the client's experience at `C'.

5

Major inference themes in shame

There are three major themes in relation to your personal domain that areimplicated in shame:

Something highly negative has been revealed about you (or about a group with whomyou identify) by yourself or by others.

You have acted in a way that falls very short of your ideal.

Others look down on or shun you (or a group with whom you identify) or you thinkthat they do.

Some clients may not resonate to the above schema and, in thesecases, you should encourage them to put it aside and just focus onwhat they tend to feel ashamed about. RECBT theory values ¯exi-bility and this includes the freedom not to use RECBT terms,schemes and frameworks.

Irrational beliefs

As I explained in Chapter 1, according to RECBT, inferences on their owndo not account for emotional problems. It is possible, therefore, for you tomake the same inferences as listed above and be disappointed, but notashamed.1 In order for you to feel ashamed when you think that (a) some-thing highly negative has been revealed about you (or about a group withwhom you identify) by yourself or by others, (b) you have acted in a waythat falls very short of your ideal and/or (c) others look down on or shunyou (or a group with whom you identify) or you think that they do, you haveto hold an irrational belief. As with guilt (see Chapter 3), in shame whenyou think irrationally you hold a rigid belief and an extreme self-depreciation belief.

If your clients are unsure about the mediating role that irrationalbeliefs play in their shame, ask them how they would feel if theyreally believed the rational alternatives to what RECBT holds aretheir shame creating irrational beliefs. In using this strategy, it is

1 I regard disappointment as the healthy negative emotion alternative to shame and Iuse this term throughout this chapter. However, as we do not have agreed terms forhealthy negative emotions, feel free to use your own term to denote the healthyalternative to shame.


important that you formulate the rational beliefs for your clients,who cannot be expected to do this for themselves at this stage.When you do this, ensure that you match your clients' rigid beliefwith a ¯exible alternative and their extreme self-depreciationbelief with a non-extreme unconditional self-acceptance alterna-tive, and then ask them how they would feel if they had strongconviction in this rational belief.

For example: `Let me outline two sets of beliefs about revealingwhat you consider to be a weakness and you tell me which leads toshame and which leads to disappointment without shame. The®rst set of beliefs is as follows: ``I absolutely should not haverevealed this weakness and I am a weak person for doing so.'' Thesecond set of beliefs is as follows: ``I would have much preferrednot to have revealed this weakness, but sadly I'm not immune fromdoing so and neither do I have to be so immune. I am not a weakperson for revealing this weakness, rather I am a fallible humanbeing who is capable of acting weakly and strongly.'' Now whichset of beliefs would lead to shame and which set would lead todisappointment without shame?'

Once your clients can see that their irrational beliefs underpinshame and their rational beliefs underpin disappointment, theyhave understood the mediating role of beliefs.


1. It addresses your clients' doubts about the mediating role of irrational beliefsin shame if they have such concern.



Behaviour associated with shame

When you hold an irrational belief about (a) something highly negativebeing revealed about you (or about a group with whom you identify) byyourself or by others, (b) acting in a way that falls very short of your idealand/or (c) others looking down on or shunning you (or a group with whomyou identify), you will act or tend to act in a number of ways, the mostcommon of which are as follows:

119Dealing with shame

You remove yourself from the `gaze' of others.

You isolate yourself from others.

You save face by attacking other(s) who have `shamed' you.

You defend your threatened self-esteem in self-defeating ways.

You ignore attempts by others to restore social equilibrium.

If you ask your clients whether they want to change their shamebased behaviour, their response will be affected by their state ofmind or mood. If they are currently experiencing shame, they areless likely to see that this behaviour is dysfunctional than whenthey are not experiencing shame. If they are feeling ashamed, it isuseful to encourage them to imagine that they are advising afriend who displays the same shame based behaviour as they do.What would they say to this friend about the functionality ordysfunctionality of such behaviour? They are more likely to seethat their own shame based behaviour is dysfunctional after theyhave told their `friend' that the same behaviour is dysfunctional.

Thinking associated with shame

When you hold an irrational belief about (a) something highly negativebeing revealed about you (or a group with whom you identify) by yourself orby others, (b) acting in a way that falls very short of your ideal and/or (c)others looking down on or shunning you (or a group with whom youidentify), you will tend to think in a number of ways. Remember what I saidin Chapter 1: the thinking that accompanies your shame is the result of yourshame based inference being processed by your irrational belief andtherefore it is likely to contain a number of thinking errors that I present inAppendix 1. I list the main features of this post±irrational belief shamebased thinking below:

You overestimate the negativity of the information revealed.

You overestimate the likelihood that the judging group will notice or be interested inthe information.

You overestimate the degree of disapproval you (or your reference group) willreceive.

You overestimate how long any disapproval will last.


As you can see, such thinking exaggerates the negative social conse-quences of your behaviour (or that of the member of your identi®ed socialgroup) and also ignores the role of context. Such thinking may be in wordsor in mental images.

One of the main features of post-irrational belief thinking is thatit is compelling. As such, it is quite easy for your clients to getcaught up in this way of thinking and think that it re¯ects reality.This is an example of `cognitive-emotive' reasoning: if a thought isplausible and emotionally compelling, therefore it must be true. Itis important that you help your clients to understand how theirmind works with respect to the thinking consequences of irrationalbeliefs and to encourage them to use such thoughts to go back toaddress the irrational beliefs that spawn them. When they havedone this, you can encourage them to respond to these thinkingconsequences of irrational beliefs as the iBs will not disappear justbecause they have questioned these beliefs. When they respond tothese thinking consequences of iBs, they need to do so only a fewtimes on any one occasion. After that, they need to accept thepresence of such thinking without engaging with it.

To summarise, your client needs to:







HOW TO DEAL WITH SHAME

If you are prone to shame, you tend to experience this emotional problem ina variety of different settings and in response to a variety of situationswhere something highly negative has been revealed about you (or about agroup with whom you identify) by yourself or by others; you have acted in


a way that falls very short of your ideal and/or others look down on or shunyou (or a group with whom you identify) or you think that they do. Here ishow to deal with shame so that you become less prone to it.

Step 1: Identify reasons why shame is a problem foryou and why you want to change

While shame is generally regarded as an emotional problem, it is useful foryou to spell out reasons why shame is a problem for you and why you wantto change. I suggest that you keep a written list of these reasons and referto it as needed as a reminder of why you are engaged in a self-helpprogramme. I discuss the healthy alternative to shame in Step 4.

When people experience shame, they are already in an avoidantframe of mind, so it may well be that they are ashamed of feelingashamed. This will lead them to deny that they are experiencingshame. In helping your clients to acknowledge that they have ashame problem, it is important that you don't do anything that,from their perspective, `shames' them further. You can do this bydoing the following:

Refraining from using language that may be construed by your client aspejorative (here the terms `irrational' or `rigid' are problematic in this regard).Also, the term `shame' is dif®cult for people experiencing this emotion toacknowledge and thus ®nding a more acceptable synonym should be a prioritywhen this is the case.

`Normalising' the experience of shame. While `shame' is an unhealthy negativeemotion, it is commonly experienced and helping your client to see this mayhelp them become unashamed about their feelings of shame.

Showing your client that you accept them unconditionally for their fall fromgrace, as they see it, can provide a particularly powerful model for uncon-ditional self-acceptance, which is the antidote to shame.

Some people who feel shame and acknowledge that they do thinkthat `feeling ashamed' is an appropriate response to situationswhere (a) something highly negative has been revealed about them(or about a group with whom they identify) by themselves or byothers, (b) they have acted in a way that falls very short of theirideal or (c) others look down on or shun them (or a group withwhom they identify) or they think that they do.


In these circumstances, it is important to introduce the idea offeeling disappointed as the healthy alternative to shame a littleearlier than you would normally do (see Step 4). When you havedone so, you can then carry out a cost-bene®t analysis of shameand its healthy alternative, disappointment. This involves helpingyour clients to spell out the perceived advantages and disadvan-tages of both emotions. Respond to any perceived advantages ofshame and perceived disadvantages of disappointment, correctingany misconceptions that your clients reveal on these issues.

For example, imagine that your clients think that feelingashamed will help motivate them to achieve their ideal in thefuture and that feeling disappointment would not achieve thesame end. In this case, help them to see that precisely the reverse istrue. The self-depreciation belief that your clients hold when theyexperience shame is some variant of `I am defective'. If that is theway that they think of themselves they are more, rather than less,likely to fail to achieve their ideal in the future since `defectivepeople' are doomed to continue to fall short of their ideals. Theunconditional self-accepting belief that underpins disappointmentis likely to help the person concentrate on what they are doingrather than how well or poorly they are doing it and this focusincreases rather than decreases the chances of them achieving theirideals (or at least getting closer to achieving them).

Step 2: Take responsibility for your shame

In RECBT, we argue that what you do or what people think of you do notmake you feel ashamed; rather you create these feelings by the rigid andextreme beliefs that you hold about what you do and what people think ofyou. Unless you accept this point, you will not address your shameproductively. Rather, you will think that the only way not to feel ashamed isby always achieving your ideal standards that you have for yourself orensuring that others think well of you. This view will perpetuate your shamerather than help you deal with it.

The idea that emotional problems (including shame) are basedlargely on the way that a person thinks about what happens tothem is, as you know, a central plank in RECBT. However, formany clients it will be a new idea. Thus, your clients may hold that


the reason they are ashamed, for example, is that it is inherentlyshameful to let down your reference group and that shame iscaused by such behaviour. It may seem that the client is takingresponsibility for this emotion of shame and is taking responsi-bility for their behaviour.

However, on closer inspection this is not the case. In RECBT, wedon't say that letting down one's reference group causes shame.This is an example of À-C' thinking where À' is the person's lettingdown the reference group and `C' is the emotion of shame. Rather,we argue that the reason that the person experiences shame islargely due to the fact that they hold a set of irrational beliefsabout them letting down the group. If they held a set of rationalbeliefs about the `letting down', they would experience disappoint-ment rather than shame.

What you need to do, then, is to help your clients see that theycreate their emotion of shame by holding a set of irrational beliefsabout the `letting down'. In this way, you can help them take twotypes of responsibility, not only for their actions but also for theirrational beliefs that underpin their shame.

If your clients continue to have dif®culty accepting responsibilityfor their shame, it is important for you to identify the source ofthis dif®culty. In the Client's Guide, I mention one commonobstacle that stops clients from accepting such responsibility (i.e.the self-depreciation that clients would engage in were they toassume responsibility for making themselves ashamed). However,there are other obstacles to accepting responsibility such as thefollowing:

Hopelessness about change (e.g. Ì am a defective person. I don't just think Iam'). Here your client is reluctant to see their shame as a belief problem. Theyconsider that they are defective for what they did or failed to do. The bestintervention here involves invoking your client's empathy by asking if theywould tell a loved one who did exactly the same thing that they did, forexample, that their loved one was defective for doing so. If your client canassume the role of compassionate observer (rather than self-punitive experi-encer) it often helps the person to see that their shame is a belief problem (e.g.Ì think I am defective') for which they can take responsibility and therebychange, rather than an identity problem (e.g. Ì am defective. I don't just thinkI am') which they can't do anything about if it were true.

Taking responsibility for shame means admitting a weakness: here the blockis the irrational belief that your client holds about having and/or admittinghaving a weakness (e.g. Ì cannot take responsibility for shame because itmeans admitting that I have a weakness that I must not have or must not


admit to publicly'). If your client holds to this position, help them to under-stand that having a weakness is quintessentially human and does not meanthat they are defective. Ironically, this is the very rational belief that they needto develop about whatever it is that they are ashamed about in the ®rst place.


Step 3: Identify the themes you tend to be ashamedabout

The best way of identifying shame related inference themes to which youare particularly vulnerable is by understanding the themes associated withshame, and seeing which are present when you feel ashamed. As I outlinedabove, there are three such themes:




If your clients ®nd it dif®cult to ®nd their shame related theme,you can help them by assessing a few speci®c examples of theirshame. Have them focus on a speci®c situation in which they feltashamed and ask them what they were most ashamed about. Ifthey still ®nd it dif®cult to identify the theme in this or otherspeci®c situations, use the `magic question' technique. Thisinvolves you doing the following:

Have your clients focus on the situation in which they felt shame.

Ask them to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantlyreduce their shame without changing the situation.

The opposite of this nominated ingredient is what they are most ashamedabout.


Hugh was struggling to identify the speci®c theme in his shame aboutfailing his driving test. Hugh used the `magic question' technique asfollows:

Hugh focused on the situation in which he felt ashamed:`I failed my driving test.'

He nominated one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantly reducehis shame without changing the situation:`My father would not feel let down by my failure.'

The opposite of this nominated ingredient was what he is most ashamedabout:`My father will feel let down by me failing my driving test.'

If you assess a number of speci®c examples of your clients' shamethis way, the shame related theme should be apparent. In Hugh'scase, it was letting down the men in his family.

It may be that there are two shame related themes present inyour client's shame. For example, your client may feel ashamedabout not living up to their ideals and about letting their peergroup down. If this is the case, deal with them one at a time andhave your client nominate the theme which they want to focus on®rst.

Step 4: Identify the three components of your shameresponse and set goals with respect to eachcomponent

The next step is for you to list the three elements of your shame responsein the face of each of the relevant themes listed above.

Identify the three components of your shame response

I use the term `shame response' to describe the three main componentsthat make up this response. The three components of your shame responseare the emotional, behavioural and thinking components.

Emotional component

The emotional component here is, of course, shame.



The behavioural component concerns overt behaviour or action tendenciesthat you engage in or `feel like' engaging in when you feel shame. Consultthe list that I provided to help you identify your behaviour associated witheach relevant theme when you feel shame (see p. 120).

Thinking component

The thinking component associated with shame is listed on p. 120. Againthese may be in words or in mental pictures. Consult this list if necessary.


You need to set goals so that you know what you are striving for when youdeal effectively with shame. The three goals are emotional, behavioural andthinking goals.

Emotional goal

Your emotional goal is disappointment rather than shame (or whateversynonym you prefer to the term `disappointment'). Disappointment is ahealthy negative emotion which is an appropriate response to the threeshame related themes detailed above. It helps you to think objectively aboutthe situation and your response to it and helps you to move on with yourlife rather than get stuck or bogged down.

The concept that disappointment is the healthy alternative toshame: (a) when something highly negative has been revealedabout your clients (or about a group with whom they identify) bythemselves or by others, (b) when they have acted in a way thatfalls very short of their ideal and (c) when others look down on orshun them (or a group with whom they identify) or they think thatthey do is based on the following idea. These adversities are nega-tive and therefore it is realistic to have a negative emotion aboutthem. The choice, therefore, is between an unhealthy negativeemotion (shame) or a healthy negative emotion (disappointment).However, what if your clients specify unrealistic goals? Here are anumber of such goals and how to respond to clients who nominatethem:


Ì don't want to feel shame.'Show your clients that they have indicated what they do not want to feel in theface of (a) something highly negative having been revealed about them (orabout a group with whom they identify) by themselves or by others, (b) theiracting in a way that falls very short of their ideal and (c) others looking downon or shunning them (or a group with whom they identify) or them thinkingthat they do. They need to specify how they do want to feel instead of shame.

Ì want to feel less ashamed.'Show your client that as shame is a disturbed emotion, wanting to feel lessashamed is still to nominate a disturbed emotion, albeit of lesser intensity.Show them that disappointment can be strong and healthy.

Ì don't want to feel anything.'Not feeling anything in the face of something highly negative being revealedabout them (or about a group with whom they identify) by themselves or byothers, or falling very short of their ideal or others looking down on or shun-ning them (or a group with whom they identify) will not help your clients to beappropriately geared up to deal with it. Help them to see this. Also show themthat the only way that they could achieve a state of not feeling anything is tofeel completely indifferent about (a) something highly negative being revealedabout them (or about a group with whom they identify) by themselves or byothers; about (b) acting in a way that falls very short of their ideal; and about(c) others looking down on or shunning them (or a group with whom theyidentify) or them thinking that they do. This could be called the asocial option± believing that they just don't care whether or not they have had somethinghighly negative revealed about them etc. In order to do this, your client(assuming that they are not asocial) would have to lie to themselves. Showthem this and discourage them from setting such a goal.

Behavioural goal

Your behavioural goal should re¯ect actions that are based on disappoint-ment rather than shame. The following are the most common behavioursassociated with disappointment. You may wish to compare these beha-viours with those associated with shame that I presented on p. 120.

You continue to participate actively in social interaction.

You respond positively to attempts of others to restore social equilibrium.

It is important that your clients understand that as they strive todevelop healthy behavioural responses to (a) when somethinghighly negative has been revealed about them (or about a groupwith whom they identify) by themselves or by others, (b) when theyhave acted in a way that falls very short of their ideals and (c) whenothers look down on or shun them (or a group with whom they


identify) or they think that they do, they will still feel the urge toact in ways that are dysfunctional, as listed on p. 120. Help them tounderstand the reason for this. Explain to them that as theyquestion their beliefs and commit themselves to strengthening theirconviction in their rational beliefs and to weakening theirconviction in their irrational beliefs, their irrational beliefs willstill be active and producing urges for them to act dysfunctionally.Encourage your clients to accept these urges, to recognise that theydo not have to act on them and to use them as cues to act infunctional ways.

Thinking goal

As well as setting behavioural goals related to the feeling of disappoint-ment about (a) something highly negative being revealed about you (orabout a group with whom you identify) by yourself or by others, (b) actingin a way that falls very short of your ideal and/or (c) others looking down onor shunning you (or a group with whom you identify), it is important thatyou set thinking goals associated with this emotion. The following are themost common forms of thinking associated with disappointment ratherthan shame. Again you may wish to compare these forms of thinking withthose associated with shame that I presented on p. 120.

You see the information revealed in a compassionate self-accepting context.

You are realistic about the likelihood that the judging group will notice or beinterested in the information revealed.

You are realistic about the degree of disapproval self (or reference group) willreceive.

You are realistic about how long any disapproval will last.

As the above list shows, the dominant feature of thinking associated withdisappointment is that it is realistic and balanced. Please remember thatsuch thinking may be in words or in mental pictures.

The point I made above with respect to clients' behavioural goals isalso relevant with respect to their thinking goals. Clients will stillhave some conviction in their irrational beliefs until they have fullconviction in their rational beliefs. Given this, your clients' irra-tional beliefs will have some impact on their subsequent thinkingas they strive to achieve their goals. Thus, highly distorted thoughts


will still come into your clients' minds. Help your clients to under-stand why this is the case. When you come to help them deal withthese forms of post-irrational belief thinking, do one or more ofthe following as indicated. Discuss this issue with your RECBTsupervisor, if necessary:





A general irrational belief leading to your shame response is an irrationalbelief that you hold across situations de®ned by one of the followingthemes:




Its rational alternative, which will also be general in nature, will account foryour disappointment response.


When you identify a general irrational belief, you take a common shamerelated theme (see above) and add to this a general rigid belief and themain extreme belief that is derived from the rigid belief. In shame, yourmain extreme belief will be a self-depreciation belief. For example:

`I must not fall short of my high social standards and I am defective if I do.'



When you identify your alternative general rational belief, you take the samecommon theme ± (a) something highly negative has been revealed aboutyou (or about a group with whom you identify) by yourself or by others, (b)you have acted in a way that falls very short of your ideal and (c) others lookdown on or shun you (or a group with whom you identify) or you think thatthey do ± and add to this a general ¯exible belief and a general uncon-ditional self-acceptance belief. For example:

`I really don't want to fall very short of my high social standards, but that does notmean that I must not do so. If I do that it would be unfortunate, but it would not provethat I am defective. Rather it proves that I am fallible.'


The reason I have chosen to go `general' rather than `speci®c' whenhelping readers to deal with their emotional problems is apragmatic one. In this book, I aim to help people to deal with arange of emotional problems and therefore, in my view, it is best togive readers general guidance with respect to dealing with this rangeof problems and then help them to move from the general to thespeci®c rather than vice versa. My considered view was that I just donot have the space to help readers focus on speci®c examples of theiremotional problems and then generalise from this speci®c level.

Consequently, one way that you can help your clients who areusing the Client's Guide is to help them to work with speci®cexamples of their emotional problem, in this case shame. Use thefollowing sequence as you do so and help your clients to

select a speci®c example of their shame problem

express why their shame constitutes a problem for them

identify what they felt most ashamed about in the situation


identify the three speci®c components of their shame response and set speci®cgoals with respect to each component


question their speci®c beliefs

In helping your clients to deal with a speci®c example of theirshame, you can teach them how to use RECBT's ABCD form, whichappears in Appendix 6.


face up to in imagery (if necessary) (a) what has been revealed about them (orabout a group with whom they identify) that is highly negative either bythemselves or by others, (b) what they did that fell very short of their ideal and(c) others looking down on or shunning them (or a group with whom theyidentify)

face the same things in reality (if possible) and take appropriate action




I recommended in previous chapters that you ®rst question together yourgeneral rigid belief and its general ¯exible belief alternative and thenquestion together your general extreme belief and your general non-extreme belief.






Write down your answer to each of these questions on your piece of paper,giving reasons for each answer. Consult Appendix 2 for help with the


answers to these questions, which you need to adapt and apply to thebeliefs you are questioning.

Question your general self-depreciation belief and itsgeneral unconditional self-acceptance belief alternative

Next, take your general self-depreciation belief and its general uncondi-tional self-acceptance belief alternative and again write them down next toone another on a sheet of paper. Then, ask yourself the same three ques-tions that you used with your general rigid belief and its general ¯exiblebelief alternative. Again write down your answer to each of these questionson your piece of paper, giving reasons for each answer. I suggest that youconsult Appendix 5 (for help with questioning self-depreciation beliefs andunconditional self-acceptance beliefs). Again, you need to adapt and applythese arguments to the beliefs you are questioning.



I have suggested that readers question their rigid belief and their¯exible belief together and then their self-depreciation belief andtheir unconditional self-acceptance belief equivalent togetherusing three criteria as shown below:



Self-depreciation belief vs. unconditional self-acceptance belief


However, there are other ways of questioning beliefs, as shownbelow. When using the Client's Guide with your clients, outline


these other approaches in case they do not resonate with theapproach I put forward in the Client's Guide. The important pointis that your clients use all three arguments with each of theirrational and irrational beliefs.

Rigid belief


Flexible belief






And also:

Rigid belief

empirical status

Flexible belief

empirical status

Rigid belief

logical status

Flexible belief

logical status

Rigid belief

pragmatic status

Flexible belief

pragmatic status



empirical status


empirical status


logical status


logical status


pragmatic status


pragmatic status.


Step 7: Adopt a healthy orientation towards your highstandards

Once you have committed yourself to strengthening your conviction in yourgeneral rational belief, it is useful for you to develop what I call a healthyorientation towards your high standards. This involves you doing thefollowing:

Recognise that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with having high standards.

View these standards as signposts to aim for rather than as yardsticks that you mustachieve. As such, your high standards are similar to self-actualisation in that you cannever achieve them once and for all. Rather you can work steadily to achieve them.

Accept that when you fail to live up to your high standards, the best way of dealingwith this situation is to learn from it and to apply your learning on future occasionshaving ®rst accepted yourself unconditionally for your failure.


In other forms of CBT, therapists tend to help their clients to ques-tion the utility of their high standards much earlier in the therapyprocess than do RECBT therapists. When your clients indicate thatthey have very high standards in the early phase of discussing theirshame problem, it is tempting to intervene and help them to con-sider this issue. It is important that you refrain from doing so forthe following reason. RECBT theory argues that it is not having veryhigh standards that is the clients' problem. Rather it is their rigidand extreme beliefs about falling short of these standards that isthe problem and unless your clients address their irrational beliefs®rst, they will re¯ect on matters to do with the utility of highstandards through the distorting lens of their irrational beliefs.Thus, help your clients to understand the importance of dealingwith their irrational beliefs before re¯ecting on these other matters.

Step 8: Face your shame related theme in imagery

I hope that you have made a commitment to act on your general rationalbeliefs (i.e. ¯exible belief and unconditional self-acceptance belief ).Assuming that you have, your basic task is face up to (a) somethinghighly negative being revealed about you (or about a group with whom youidentify) by yourself or by others, (b) acting in a way that falls very short ofyour ideal and/or (c) others looking down on or shunning you (or a groupwith whom you identify) or you think that they do and to learn to thinkrationally about it.

Up to this point you have worked at a general level with respect to yourshame related theme, dealing with the general irrational beliefs thataccount for your shame and developing your alternative general rationalbeliefs. However, when you come to apply your general rational beliefs indealing with shame related themes, you need to bear in mind one importantpoint. Since you make yourself ashamed about speci®c events (actual orimagined), you need to deal with these by rehearsing speci®c variants ofyour general rational beliefs.

While the best way to do this is in speci®c shame related situations, youmay derive bene®t by using imagery ®rst. If this is the case, you need to dothe following:

Imagine a speci®c situation in which you felt shame or may feel shame about: (a)something highly negative being revealed about you (or about a group with whomyou identify) by yourself or by others, (b) acting in a way that falls very short of your


ideal or (c) others looking down on or shunning you (or a group with whom youidentify) or you think that they do and focus, in your mind's eye, on what you felt mostashamed about (i.e. your À').

Focus on this À' while rehearsing a speci®c rational belief relevant to the situation.As you do this, try to make yourself feel disappointed, rather than ashamed.

Then see yourself acting in ways consistent with your rational belief, e.g. holdingyour head up high and admitting publicly to any pratfalls.



If you ®nd that facing your shame related À', in your mind's eye, is toomuch for you, use the `challenging, but not overwhelming' principle. Thismeans that instead of imagining yourself facing a shame related situationthat you ®nd òverwhelming' at the present time, choose a similar shamerelated À' that you would ®nd `challenging, but not overwhelming'. Thenemploy the same steps that I have outlined above. Work in this way withmodi®ed shame related À's' until you ®nd your original one `challenging,but not overwhelming' and then use the steps again.

Some of your clients may say that they can't get very clear imageswhen they try to picture events in their mind's eye. While they mayget more out of imagery techniques if they can get such clearimages, they will still get something out of facing moral codeviolations or hurting someone's feelings in imagery if they don't.So, if clients want to face their particular adversity in imagerybefore they do so in reality, encourage them to do so, no matterhow clear their mental images are.

Step 9: Face situations and people with your headheld high

Having learned the lessons from previous shame based episodes, you areready to go back to the social milieu and hold your head up as you do so.

Choose a speci®c situation in which you will be reminded of your `fall from grace'and about which you would ordinarily feel ashamed.


Rehearse a speci®c version of your general rational beliefs before entering thesituation so that you can be prepared to face the music while in a rational frame ofmind.

Develop a shortened version of this rational belief in mind as you enter the situation(e.g. `I'm still fallible even though I have fallen from grace') and accept the fact thatyou are likely to be uncomfortable while doing so. React to any consequences from arational frame of mind if you can.

Recognise that even though you have got yourself into a rational frame of mind someof your thinking may be distorted and unrealistic and some may be realistic andbalanced. Accept the presence of the former and do not engage with it. Engage withthe latter as much as you can.

At this stage it is very important to encourage your clients to facethese situations without using obvious or subtle safety-seekingmanoeuvres. Otherwise they will not derive as much therapeuticbene®t from facing relevant situations with their head held high.


When you have faced a situation in which you experienced shame and dealtwith it as best you could, it is important that you re¯ect on what you did andwhat you learned. In particular, if you were able to face the situation,rehearse your speci®c rational beliefs until you felt disappointment, thenask yourself how you can capitalise on what you achieved. If you experi-enced any problems, respond to the following questions:





Re¯ect on your experience and put into practice what you learned the nexttime you face a situation in which (a) something highly negative wasrevealed about you (or about a group with whom you identify) by yourself orby others, (b) you acted in a way that falls very short of your ideal, or (c)others looked down on or shunned you (or a group with whom you identify)or you think that they did.




Once you have dealt with your shame in a speci®c situation by holding therelevant speci®c version of your general rational belief and by acting andthinking in ways that are consistent with it, you can generalise this learningto situations de®ned by your shame based theme.

Miranda was particularly prone to shame about falling very short of her ideal ofacting with decorum. Thus:

Miranda assessed the three components of her shame response and set goalswith respect to all three components,

She identi®ed her relevant general irrational belief regarding falling very shortof her standards (i.e. `I must achieve my high behavioural standards and I ama disgrace if I don't') that underpinned her shame response and her alternativegeneral rational belief (i.e. `I want to achieve my high behavioural standards,but I don't always have to do so. If I do not achieve my high standards, it isbad, but I am not a disgrace. I am an ordinary fallible person who has donesomething unfortunate') that underpinned her disappointment response.

She questioned both elements of her general irrational belief and her generalrational belief until she clearly saw that the former were false, made no senseand were detrimental to her, and that the latter were true, sensible and healthy.

She acted on her rational beliefs in speci®c situations, held her head up andengaged in eye contact as she did so, even though people tended to look downon her.

As she did so she tolerated the discomfort that she felt and accepted thatsome of her distorted and skewed negative thinking would still be in her mindas she did so. She let such thinking be without engaging with it, suppressingit or distracting herself from it.

As this section shows, you can generalise what you learn about dealingwith shame from situation to situation as de®ned by your shame basedinference.

USING RECBT'S ABCD FORM TO DEAL WITHSPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF YOUR SHAME

This chapter is mainly geared to help you deal with your shame in generalterms. However, you can also use this material to address speci®c


examples of your shame. I have developed a self-help form to provide thestructure to assist you in this regard. It is called the ABCD form and itappears with instructions in Appendix 6.


OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES IN DEALING WITHSHAME

In the above section, I outlined an eleven step programme to deal withshame. In this section, I discuss some other important issues that may berelevant to you in your work to become less prone to this emotionalproblem. If you want to, you can incorporate them as additional steps in theabove step-by-step guide at points relevant to you.

Dealing with your safety-seeking measures to avoidshame

I mentioned in Chapter 2 that people use safety-seeking measures toprotect themselves from threat. You may use similar measures to protectyourself from feeling shame. Here is how this works from your perspective.You reason that since you feel ashamed about (a) something highlynegative being revealed about you (or about a group with whom youidentify) by yourself or by others, (b) you acting in a way that falls very shortof your ideal and/or (c) others looking down on or shunning you (or agroup with whom you identify), you will take two major steps to avoidshame. First, you will always act in ways that are socially acceptable andget those with whom you are connected to do the same thing as well.Second, you will avoid situations where you may fall very short of yourideal. Taking this decision means that you will not take risks in life (in caseyou do socially unacceptable things or fall very short of your ideal) and youwill curtail the autonomy of others in case they `shame' you.

However, this behaviour and the reasoning that leads you to take it are¯awed and will serve only to perpetuate your chronic shame. This is due tothe fact that your shame is not based on (a) something highly negativebeing revealed about you (or about a group with whom you identify) byyourself or by others, (b) you acting in a way that falls very short of yourideal and/or (c) others looking down on or shunning you (or a group with


whom you identify), but on your irrational beliefs about these three infer-ences. So, if you want to deal effectively with shame you need to do thefollowing:

Take healthy risks and let others with whom you are connected do the same and seewhat happens. You will probably ®nd that people do not disapprove as much as youthink and that while you may fall short of your ideal, this fall from grace will not be asdramatic as you predicted.

However, if as a result of your behaviour or that of others something highly negativeis revealed, you do fall very short of your ideal and that others do highly disapproveor shun you (or others with whom you are connected), then you can deal with suchsituations by holding a set of rational beliefs about them so that you feel healthydisappointment and not shame about these consequences.

It is one of the major themes of both the Client's Guide and thisPractitioner's Guide that when your clients come to change theirbehaviour from dysfunctional to functional, they will still experi-ence urges to act dysfunctionally. This is why it is so important tohelp your clients understand the difference between overt actionsand action tendencies. In the present context, this means stressingto your clients as they strive to act in ways that address theirshame feelings constructively and thus desist from using shamerelated safety-seeking strategies, they will still feel the urge to usethem. Help them to develop ways of accepting, but not necessarilyliking such urges and to implement their healthy disappointmentbased behaviour even though such aforementioned behaviour maybe present for some time. You may have to help certain clientsidentify and respond to irrational beliefs such as: `If I feel the urgeto do something to get rid of my shame quickly, I have to act onthat urge'. Developing and strengthening rational beliefs aboutthese urges is particularly important for such clients.

Why you feel shame much of the time and how to dealwith this

If you are particularly prone to shame, you will often focus on times where(a) something highly negative has been revealed about you (or about agroup with whom you identify) by yourself or by others, (b) you have actedin a way that falls very short of your ideal and (c) others look down on orshun you (or a group with whom you identify) or you think that they do. You


do this because you hold the following belief, which I call a `chronic shamebased general irrational belief':

I must ensure that I and people with whom I am closely connected must alwaysachieve the highest of standards and be socially approved and if not it proves that weare defective, disgusting or diminished.'

You then take this belief to situations where it is possible that you andothers will fall short or be socially disapproved, and you attempt to protectall involved from the predicted negative outcomes by getting all to maintainstandards or withdraw so that social approval is maintained. However, indoing so, you are keeping alive the three inferences of shame. For you aresaying to yourself that if I did not take the appropriate steps, the followingwould have happened:

Something highly negative would be revealed about you (or about a group with whomyou identify) by yourself or by others.

You would act in a way that falls very short of your ideal.

Others would look down on or shun you (or a group with whom you identify).

How to deal with chronic shame

In order to deal with this chronic sense of shame, you need to develop andapply an alternative general rational belief which protects you from suchshame:

`I would like to ensure that I and people with whom I am closely connected alwaysachieve the highest standards and be socially approved, but I do not have to do so. IfI do not it would be unfortunate, but it would prove that we are not defective,disgusting or diminished. Rather, it would prove that we are fallible human beingsand that does not change whether or not we fall from grace and are disapproved.'

Such a belief will lead you to think that the following occurred only whenthere is clear evidence for making such an inference:





When there is such evidence, you will feel disappointment rather thanshame because you will be processing this with a speci®c rational belief.

If your clients ®nd that the above explanation is too complex, youcan help them to see that rigid beliefs about the presence orabsence of shame related adversities means that unless they areclear that they have not put their reference group in a bad light,for example, then they think that they have done so. When theirbeliefs are ¯exible, they can be more objective about the presence ofthese adversities.

How to examine the accuracy of your shame-relatedinference if necessary

If you are still unsure that (a) something highly negative has been revealedabout you (or about a group with whom you identify) by yourself or byothers, (b) you have acted in a way that falls very short of your ideal and (c)others looked down on or shunned you (or a group with whom youidentify), answer one or more of the following questions:

How valid is my inference that I have fallen very short of my ideal (for example)?

Would an objective jury agree that I have fallen very short of my ideal? If not, whatwould the jury's verdict be?

Is my inference that I have fallen very short of my ideal realistic? If not, what is a morerealistic inference?

If I asked someone whom I could trust to give me an objective opinion about myinference that I have fallen very short of my ideal, what would the person say to meand why? What inference would this person encourage me to make instead?

If a friend had told me that they had made the same inference about falling very shortof their ideal in the same situation, what would I say to them about the validity of theirinference and why? What inference would I encourage the person to make instead?

The Individual Ì' and the Socially Defined Ì'

If you have a problem with shame, you probably ®nd it dif®cult to conceivethat you can hold a belief about yourself (i.e. the Individual Ì') that isradically different from how others see you (i.e. the Socially De®ned Ì'). Yetthis is your task if it does transpire that people consider you defective,disgusting or diminished either for falling very short of your ideal or foracting in a way that is greatly at variance from the mores of the judgingsocial group.


In RECBT we argue that it is possible for you to accept yourself as afallible human being in the face of others considering you defective,disgusting or diminished. Let me show you how Shireen used a techniquethat I call Dryden's Invitation Technique.

Shireen came from a close knit religious Muslim family, but was not religiousherself. When she went to college, she met and fell in love with a young Hinduman. When her family and community discovered this, they put her underenormous pressure to end the relationship, which she refused to do. Then theytold her that because she was defective, they did not want to have anything to dowith her. Initially, Shireen felt intense shame when they told her that she wasdefective. Then, she helped herself by using Dryden's Invitation Technique inthe following way:

Shireen recognised that when her family considered her defective, they werein fact issuing her with an invitation saying in effect: `We regard you asdefective for going against your family and social group and we invite you tode®ne yourself as defective.'

Shireen then recognised that, as with a wedding invitation, she had a choiceto accept or decline the invitation. Thus, she could say:

`Thank you for your invitation for me to agree with you. I accept'or

`Thank you for your invitation for me to agree with you. I decline'

Shireen chose to decline the invitation and felt disappointed, but notashamed, about going against her family and social group.

Had Shireen accepted the invitation. she would have felt ashamed.

As Shireen has shown, it is possible to hold on to a healthy de®nition ofyourself (i.e. the Individual `I') in the face of others' unhealthy de®nition ofyou (i.e. the Socially De®ned `I').

Assessing and dealing with emotional problemsabout shame

In previous chapters, I discussed the concept of meta-disturbance (literallydisturbance about disturbance). It is important to assess carefully thenature of this meta-disturbance about shame before you can best dealwith it.

The best way to start dealing with the assessment of any emotionalproblems you might have about shame is to ask yourself the question:`How do I feel about my feeling of shame?' The most common emotional


problems that people have about shame are as follows: anxiety, depression,shame and unhealthy self-anger. I refer you to the chapters on anxiety,depression and unhealthy anger for help on how to deal with these meta-emotional problems about shame. Here I will help you to deal with yourmeta-shame.

Dealing with shame about shame

When you experience shame about shame, you take your original feelingsof shame and regard them as evidence of you falling very short of yourideal. Then you hold the following rigid and self-depreciation beliefs aboutthis `fall from grace' and experience meta-shame:

`I must not fall from grace by experiencing shame and I am defective for so doing.'

First, you need to develop a healthy alternative to these beliefs, such as:

`I would much prefer not to fall from grace by experiencing shame, but that doesn'tmean that I must not have this feeling. If I do, it's unfortunate, but does not prove Iam defective. It proves that I am an ordinary, fallible human being capable ofexperiencing a range of healthy and unhealthy emotions including shame. Shamedoes not and cannot de®ne me!'

Question both sets of beliefs (referring to Appendices 2 and 5 for guid-ance) and do so until you can fully commit yourself to your rational beliefs.Then you can openly admit to yourself and to others that you sometimesfeel ashamed. In doing so, you are coming out of your shame closet and asshame hates the light and disclosure to others you will feel disappointed,but ashamed of your original shame. When you have done this, you arebest placed to deal effectively with this original feeling of shame.

Your clients will sometimes need to address their emotional prob-lems about shame before they address their shame. They need to dothis particularly when their secondary emotional problem gets inthe way of them dealing with their primary shame. However,despite the interfering presence of their secondary problem, someclients still want to target their primary shame. There are twoways of dealing with this situation:

Provide a rationale to help your clients target their secondary problem. Forexample, explain to your clients that their secondary problem is like having aball and chain around their leg while they are climbing a steep hill (akin to


their primary feelings of shame). In the same way as climbing the hill is easierwhen they remove the ball and chain from their leg, dealing with their primaryshame is easier when they deal with their secondary problem ®rst.

Go along with your clients' wish to deal with their primary shame and whenthey fail to do so, help them to understand that the reason why they failed isbecause they had not addressed their secondary problem and then agree thatthey will now do so.

Developing and rehearsing a non-shame world view

People develop views of the world as it relates to them that make it more orless likely that they will experience unhealthy negative emotions. The worldviews that render you vulnerable to shame do so in a similar way to thechronic shame-based general irrational belief discussed above (i.e. `I mustensure that I and people that I am closely connected with must alwaysachieve the highest standards and be socially approved and if not it provesthat we are defective, disgusting or diminished'), by making you focusunduly on times when you fell very short of your ideal standards and timeswhen you or others acted against important social mores and by leadingyou to overestimate the frequency of such events happening. However,these shame based world views have this effect on you much more widely.

It is important that you develop realistic views of the world that will helpyou to deal with shame. In Table 5, you will ®nd an illustrative list of such

Table 5 World views that render you vulnerable to shame and help you to deal withshame

Views of the world that render youvulnerable to shame

Views of the world that help youdeal with shame

There is always the danger that I willnot achieve my ideal standards

There is always this danger, but thesestandards are there to guide me, not tobe achieved all the time

Social situations are dangerousbecause other people will judge menegatively if I put a foot wrong

Social situations can be dangerous, butthey can also be benign. If I put a footwrong, people may judge me negatively,but they may also show meunderstanding and compassion

Social situations are dangerousbecause I may be exposed as defective,disgusting or diminished at anymoment

If I fall short of my ideal or go against asocial custom, I am revealing myfallibility and my humanity. This makessocial situations far less dangerous


world views rather than an exhaustive one, so you can get an idea of what Imean, which will enable you to develop your own. In Table 5, I ®rst describea world view that renders you vulnerable to shame and then I give its healthyalternative. You will see that the former is characterised by a conception ofthe social world as highly dangerous in which if you slip up, you will berevealed to the harsh judging group as defective, disgusting or diminished.In the latter a more forgiving picture of others is revealed and a variety ofresponses to your `shameful' behaviour can be expected.

If you hold rational beliefs that are consistent with the views of the worldlisted on the right hand side of Table 5 and if you act and think in ways thatare, in turn, consistent with these rational beliefs, then doing all this willhelp you become less prone to shame.

In Chapter 6 , I discuss hurt and how to deal with it.


Dealing with hurt

In this chapter, I begin by presenting RECBT's way of understanding hurtand then address how to deal with this emotional problem.

UNDERSTANDING HURT

In understanding hurt, we need to know what we tend to make ourselvesfeel hurt about (i.e. its major inference themes), what beliefs we hold, howwe act or tend to act, and how we think when we feel ashamed.

I mentioned in previous chapters that it is important that you useyour client's language when referring to emotional problems. Withrespect to the term `hurt', you need to be aware that not all clientswith a `hurt' problem resonate with the term `hurt'. They mayidentify more closely with terms like `upset'. In addition, since hurtoften coexists with anger, some clients can relate better to a termsuch as `angry hurt', rather than just `hurt'. If such is the case,your task is to satisfy yourself and your client that these termsrepresent the unhealthy negative emotion known in RECBT ashurt. Once you have done so, use the client's language and writethis down in your client's notes.

Major inference themes in hurt

There are two major themes in relation to your personal domain that areimplicated in hurt:

Others treat you badly (and you think you do not deserve such treatment).

You think that the other person has devalued your relationship (i.e. someoneindicates that their relationship with you is less important to them than the rela-tionship is to you).

6

Some clients may not resonate to the above schema and, in thesecases, you should encourage them to put it aside and just focus onwhat they tend to feel hurt about. RECBT theory values ¯exibilityand this includes the freedom not to use RECBT terms, schemesand frameworks.

Irrational beliefs

As I explained in Chapter 1, according to RECBT, inferences on their owndo not account for emotional problems. It is possible, therefore, for you tomake the same inferences as listed above and feel sorrowful and not hurt.In order for you to feel hurt, you have to hold an irrational belief. When youthink irrationally, you hold a rigid belief and an extreme belief. Whilethe rigid belief is at the core of hurt, the extreme beliefs that are derivedfrom the rigid belief often distinguish between whether you are experi-encing ego `less me' hurt (where you depreciate yourself ) and non-ego`poor me' hurt (where you `awfulise', ®nd the adversity intolerable ordepreciate life).

If your clients are unsure about the mediating role that irrationalbeliefs play in their hurt, ask them how they would feel if theyreally believed the rational alternatives to what RECBT holds aretheir hurt creating irrational beliefs. In using this strategy, it isimportant that you formulate the rational beliefs for your clientswho cannot be expected to do this for themselves at this stage.When you do this, ensure that you match your clients' rigid beliefwith a ¯exible alternative and their extreme belief with a non-extreme alternative, and then ask them how they would feel if theyhad strong conviction in this rational belief.

For example: `Let me outline two sets of beliefs about beingneglected by your friend and you tell me which leads to hurt andwhich leads to sorrow without shame. The ®rst set of beliefs is asfollows: ``My friend absolutely should not have neglected me andit's terrible that they did. Poor me!'' The second set of beliefs is asfollows: ``I would have much preferred it if my friend had notneglected me, but they do not have to act in the way that I prefer.It's not terrible that they neglected me and while it is a poor stateof affairs, I am not a poor person because it happened to me''. Nowwhich set of beliefs would lead to hurt and which set would lead tosorrow without hurt?'

149Dealing with hurt

Once your clients can see that their irrational beliefs underpinhurt and their rational beliefs underpin sorrow, they have under-stood the mediating role of beliefs.


1. It addresses your clients' doubts about the mediating role of irrational beliefsin hurt if they have such concern.



Behaviour associated with hurt

When you hold an irrational belief about one of the two major inferencethemes, you will act or tend to act in a number of ways, the most commonof which are as follows:

You stop the communicating channel with the other person.

You sulk and make obvious you feel hurt without disclosing details of the matter.

You indirectly criticise or punish the other person for their offence.

If you ask your clients whether they want to change their hurtbased behaviour, their response will be affected by their state ofmind or mood. If they are currently experiencing hurt, they are lesslikely to see that this behaviour is dysfunctional than when theyare not feeling hurt. If they are feeling hurt, it is useful to encour-age them to imagine that they are advising a friend who displaysthe same hurt based behaviour as they do. What would they say tothis friend about the functionality or dysfunctionality of suchbehaviour? They are more likely to see that their own hurt basedbehaviour is dysfunctional after they have told their `friend' thatthe same behaviour is dysfunctional.

Thinking associated with hurt

When you hold an irrational belief about being unfairly treated by someoneclose to you, or about another indicating that their relationship to you is


less important to them than it is to you, you will tend to think in a number ofways. Remember what I said in Chapter 1: the thinking that accompaniesyour hurt is the result of your hurt based inference being processed by yourirrational belief and therefore it is likely to contain a number of thinkingerrors that I present in Appendix 1. I list the main features of this post±irrational belief hurt based thinking below:

You overestimate the unfairness of the other person's behaviour.

You think that the other person does not care for you or is indifferent to you.

You see yourself as alone, uncared for or misunderstood.

You tend to think of past `hurts'.

You expect the other to make the ®rst move toward repairing the relationship.

As you can see, such thinking exaggerates the negative consequences ofbeing treated unfairly or having your relationship devalued by others. Suchthinking may be in words or in mental images.

One of the main features of post-irrational belief thinking is thatit is compelling. As such, it is quite easy for your clients to getcaught up in this way of thinking and think that it re¯ects reality.This is an example of `cognitive-emotive' reasoning: if a thought isplausible and emotionally compelling, therefore it must be true. Itis important that you help your client to understand how theirmind works with respect to the thinking consequences of irrationalbeliefs and to encourage them to use such thoughts to go back toaddress the irrational beliefs that spawn them. When they havedone this, you can encourage them to respond to these thinkingconsequences of irrational beliefs as the iBs will not disappear justbecause they have questioned these beliefs. When they respond tothese thinking consequences of iBs, they need to do so only a fewtimes on any one occasion. After that, they need to accept thepresence of such thinking without engaging with it.









HOW TO DEAL WITH HURT

If you are prone to hurt, you tend to experience this emotional problem in avariety of different settings and in response to a variety of situations wheresomeone thinks less of their relationship with you than you do or wheresomeone treats you badly when you don't deserve it. Here is how to dealwith hurt so that you become less prone to it.

Step 1: Identify reasons why hurt is a problem for youand why you want to change

While hurt is generally regarded as an emotional problem, it is useful foryou to spell out reasons why hurt is a problem for you and why you want tochange. I suggest that you keep a written list of these reasons and refer to itas needed as a reminder of why you are engaged in a self-help programme.I discuss the healthy alternative to hurt in Step 4.

Some people who feel hurt think that `feeling hurt' is an appro-priate response to situations where (a) others have treated thembadly (and they think that they do not deserve such treatment) and(b) where they think that others have devalued their relationship(i.e. someone indicates that their relationship with your client isless important to them than the relationship is to your client).

In these circumstances, it is important to introduce the idea offeeling sorrow as the healthy alternative to hurt a little earlierthan you would normally do (see Step 4). When you have done so,you can then carry out a cost-bene®t analysis of hurt and itshealthy alternative, sorrow. This involves helping your client tospell out the perceived advantages and disadvantages of bothemotions. Respond to any perceived advantages of hurt and per-ceived disadvantages of sorrow, correcting any misconceptions thatyour client reveals on these issues.


For example, imagine that your client thinks that feeling hurtwill lead the other person to apologise for their bad behaviour andthat sorrow would not achieve the same end. In this case, help yourclient to see that precisely the reverse is true. Hurt tends to lead tosulking and, as such, the other person is not clear that they haveanything to apologise for. By contrast, sorrow is more likely to leadthe person to communicate clearly and respectfully, thus increasingthe chances that they will apologise for their behaviour if they seethings from your client's perspective.

Step 2: Take responsibility for your hurt

In RECBT, we argue that people do not hurt you; rather you create thesehurt feelings by the rigid and extreme beliefs that you hold about howpeople treat you. You may object that this view condones other people'sbehaviour, but this objection is based on a misconception. You can takeresponsibility for creating your hurt and still not condone others' badbehaviour.

The idea that emotional problems (including hurt) are basedlargely on the way that a person thinks about what happens tothem is, as you know, a central plank in RECBT. However, formany clients it will be a new idea. Thus, your clients may hold thatthe reason they are hurt, for example, is that it is inherentlyhurtful to be treated badly by someone that you care for and treatwell. This is an example of À-C' thinking where À' is the personbeing treated badly by someone that they care for and `C' is theemotion of hurt. Rather, we argue that the reason that the personexperiences hurt is largely due to the fact that they hold a set ofirrational beliefs about this bad treatment. If they held a set ofrational beliefs about the bad treatment, they would experiencesorrow rather than hurt.

If your clients continue to have dif®culty accepting responsibilityfor their hurt, it is important for you to identify the source of thisdif®culty. Here are two common obstacles and how to respondto them:

The double penalty: this obstacle is expressed like this: Ìf I accept respon-sibility for my feelings of hurt, it is as if I am being punished twice. First, I havebeen treated badly by someone I care for, and second, I am being told that I am


responsible for these feelings. This lets the other person off the hook.' If yourclients hold to this view, help them to see that while they have been penalisedby being treated badly (which they need to be held responsible for), they areactually penalising themselves by making themselves feel hurt. Show yourclients that you want to spare them this second penalty by helping them toexperience a healthy negative emotion (sorrow) rather than an unhealthynegative emotion (hurt).

Taking responsibility for hurt means admitting a weakness: here the block isthe irrational belief that your clients hold about having and/or admittinghaving a weakness (e.g. `I cannot take responsibility for my hurt feelingsbecause it means admitting that I have a weakness that I must not have ormust not admit to publicly'). If your clients hold to this position, help them tounderstand that having a weakness is quintessentially human and does notmean that they are defective.


Step 3: Identify themes you tend to feel hurt about

The best way of identifying hurt related inference themes to which you areparticularly vulnerable is by understanding the themes associated withhurt, and seeing which are present when you feel hurt. As I outlined above,there are two such themes:


You think that the other person has devalued your relationship (i.e. someone indi-cates that their relationship with you is less important to them than the relationship isto you).

If your clients ®nd it dif®cult to ®nd their hurt related theme, youcan help them by assessing a few speci®c examples of their hurt.Have them focus on a speci®c situation in which they felt hurt andask them what they were most hurt about. If they still ®nd itdif®cult to identify the theme in this or other speci®c situations,use the `magic question' technique. This involves you doing thefollowing:


Have your clients focus on the situation in which they felt hurt.

Ask them to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantlyreduce their feelings of hurt without changing the situation.

The opposite of this nominated ingredient is what they are most hurt about.

Lisa was struggling to identify the speci®c theme in her hurt about her bestfriend not returning her calls. Lisa used the `magic question' technique asfollows:

Lisa focused on the situation in which she felt hurt:`My friend is not returning my calls.'

She nominated one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantly reduceher shame without changing the situation:`My friend still cares for me.'

The opposite of this nominated ingredient was what she was most hurtabout:`My friend no longer cares for me.'

If you assess a number of speci®c examples of your clients' hurt inthis way, the hurt related theme should be apparent. In Lisa's caseit was being uncared for by people close to her.

It may be that there are two hurt related themes present in yourclient's hurt. For example, your client may feel hurt about beingtreated badly by others or that they care more about someone thanthat person cares about your client. If this is the case, deal withthem one at a time and have your client nominate the themewhich they want to focus on ®rst.

Step 4: Identify the three components of your hurtresponse and set goals with respect to eachcomponent

The next step is for you to list the three elements of your hurt response inthe face of each of the relevant themes listed above.

Identify the three components of your hurt response

I use the term `hurt response' to describe the three main components thatmake up this response. The three components of your hurt response areemotional, behavioural and thinking components.


Emotional component

The emotional component here is, of course, hurt.


The behavioural component concerns overt behaviour or action tendenciesthat you engage in or `feel like' engaging in when you feel hurt. Consult thelist that I provided to help you identify your behaviour associated with eachrelevant theme when you feel hurt (see p. 150).

Thinking component

The thinking component associated with hurt is listed on p. 151. Againthese may be in words or in mental pictures. Consult this list if necessary.


You need to set goals so that you know what you are striving for when youdeal effectively with hurt. The three goals are emotional, behavioural andthinking goals.

Emotional goal

Your emotional goal is sorrow rather than hurt (or whatever synonym youprefer to the term `sorrow'). Sorrow is a healthy negative emotion which isan appropriate response to the two hurt related themes detailed above. Ithelps you to think objectively about the situation and your response toit and helps you to move on with your life rather than get stuck or boggeddown.

The concept that sorrow is the healthy alternative to hurt when (a)others treat you badly (and you think you do not deserve suchtreatment) and (b) you think that the other person has devaluedyour relationship (i.e. someone indicates that their relationshipwith you is less important to them than the relationship is to you)is based on the following idea. These adversities are negative andtherefore it is realistic to have a negative emotion about them. Thechoice, therefore, is between an unhealthy negative emotion (hurt)or a healthy negative emotion (sorrow). However, what if your


clients specify unrealistic goals? Here are a number of such goalsand how to respond to clients who nominate them:

Ì don't want to feel hurt.'Show your client that they have indicated what they do not want to feel in theface of (a) others treating them (when they do think they deserve suchtreatment) or when (b) they think that the other person has devalued theirrelationship. Your client needs to specify how they want to feel instead of hurt.

Ì want to feel less hurt.'Show your client that as hurt is a disturbed emotion, wanting to feel less hurtis still to nominate a disturbed emotion, albeit of lesser intensity. Show themthat sorrow can be strong and healthy.

Ì don't want to feel anything.'Not feeling anything in the face of being treated badly by someone close to yourclient when they don't deserve it or in the face of having someone devalue theirrelationship with them will not help your client to be appropriately geared upto deal with it. Help them to see this. Also show them that the only way thatthey could achieve a state of not feeling anything is to feel completely indiffer-ent about being treated badly by someone close or when someone devalues theirrelationship with your client. This can be achieved only if your client lies tothemselves. Show them this and discourage them from setting such a goal.

Behavioural goal

Your behavioural goal should re¯ect actions that are based on sorrowrather than hurt. The following are the most common behaviours associ-ated with sorrow. You may wish to compare these behaviours with thoseassociated with hurt that I presented on p. 150.

You communicate your feelings to the other directly.

You request that the other person acts in a fairer manner towards you.

It is important that your clients understand that as they strive todevelop healthy behavioural responses to being treated badly orhaving their relationship with a person devalued by that person,they will still feel the urge to act in ways that are dysfunctional, aslisted on p. 150. Help them to understand the reason for this.Explain to them that as they question their beliefs and committhemselves to strengthening their conviction in their rationalbeliefs and to weakening their conviction in their irrational beliefs,their irrational beliefs will still be active and producing urges forthem to act dysfunctionally. Encourage your clients to accept these


urges, to recognise that they do not have to act on them and to usethem as cues to act in functional ways.

Thinking goal

As well as setting behavioural goals related to the feeling of sorrow about(a) being unfairly treated by someone close to you or about (b) anotherindicating that their relationship to you is less important to them than it isto you, it is important that you set thinking goals associated with thisemotion. The following are the most common forms of thinking associatedwith sorrow rather than hurt. Again you may wish to compare these formsof thinking with those associated with hurt that I presented on p. 151.

You are realistic about the degree of unfairness in the other person's behaviour.

You think that the other person has acted badly rather than as demonstrating lack ofcaring or indifference.

You see yourself as being in a poor situation, but still connected to, cared for by andunderstood by others not directly involved in the situation.

If you think of past hurts, you do so with less frequency and less intensity than whenyou feel hurt.

You are open to the idea of making the ®rst move towards the other person.

As the above list shows, the dominant feature of thinking associated withsorrow is that it is realistic and balanced. Please remember that suchthinking may be in words or in mental pictures.







A general irrational belief leading to your hurt response is an irrationalbelief that you hold across situations de®ned by one of the followingthemes:


Relationship devaluation (i.e. someone indicates that their relationship with you isless important to them than the relationship is to you).

Its rational alternative, which will also be general in nature, will account foryour sorrow response.


When you identify a general irrational belief, you take a common hurtrelated theme (see above) and add to this a general rigid belief and themain extreme belief that is derived from the rigid belief. In hurt, your mainextreme belief will be either a discomfort intolerance belief with an accom-panying sense of `self-pity' (I call this `poor me' hurt) or a self-depreciationbelief (I call this `less me' hurt).

Here is an example of each type of hurt:

`Poor me' hurt:`I must not be treated unfairly by people close to me when I don't deserve to be and Ican't stand it when this happens. Poor me!'

`Less me' hurt:`When my relationship with people is important to me, they must ®nd the relationshipequally important to them. If they don't, it proves that I am less worthy.'


When you identify your alternative general rational belief, you take the samecommon theme ± i.e. others treat you badly (and you think you do notdeserve such treatment) and relationship devaluation (i.e. someone indi-cates that their relationship with you is less important to them than the


relationship is to you) ± and add to this a general ¯exible belief and ageneral discomfort tolerance belief or a general self-acceptance belief. Forexample:

Non-self-pity based sorrow:`I don't want to be treated unfairly by people close to me when I don't deserve to be,but they don't have to treat me the way I want them to. When this happens, it is astruggle, but I can stand it and I am not a poor person, even though I have beentreated poorly.'

Unconditional self-acceptance based sorrow`When my relationship with people is important to me, I want them to ®nd therelationship equally important to them, but they don't have to do so. If they don't, itwould be bad, but it would not prove that I am less worthy. I am the same personwhether or not they value our relationship as much as I do.'



Consequently, one way that you can help your clients who areusing the Client's Guide is to help them to work with speci®cexamples of their emotional problem, in this case hurt. Use thefollowing sequence as you do so and help your clients to

select a speci®c example of their hurt problem

express why their hurt constitutes a problem for them

identify what they felt most hurt about in the situation


identify the three speci®c components of their hurt response and set speci®cgoals with respect to each component



In helping your clients to deal with a speci®c example of theirhurt, you can teach them how to use RECBT's ABCD form, whichappears in Appendix 6.


face up to what they are most hurt about in imagery (if necessary)





I recommended in previous chapters that you ®rst question together yourgeneral rigid belief and its general ¯exible belief alternative and thenquestion together your general extreme belief and its general non-extremebelief alternative.

















However, there are other ways of questioning beliefs as shownbelow. When using the Client's Guide with your clients, outline


these other approaches in case they do not resonate with theapproach I put forward in the Client's Guide. The important pointis that your clients use all three arguments with each of theirrational and irrational beliefs.

Rigid belief


Flexible belief


Main extreme belief




And also:

Rigid belief

empirical status

Flexible belief

empirical status

Rigid belief

logical status

Flexible belief

logical status

Rigid belief

pragmatic status

Flexible belief

pragmatic status


Main extreme belief

empirical status


empirical status

Main extreme belief

logical status


logical status

Main extreme belief

pragmatic status


pragmatic status.


Step 7: Adopt a healthy orientation towardsreciprocity in close relationships and its absence

Once you have committed yourself to strengthening your conviction in yourgeneral rational belief, it is useful for you to develop what I call a healthyorientation towards reciprocity in relationships and, in particular, itsabsence. This involves you doing the following;

Recognise that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting reciprocity in rela-tionships. However, it is also important to acknowledge that what you want from arelationship with a person may not be the same as what they want from a relationshipwith you.

Recognise that most of the time when you act fairly towards others, they will act fairlytowards you. In other words, fair treatment tends to yield fair treatment. However, thisis certainly not a universal rule and sometimes people close to you will take advan-tage of your good nature and betray your trust and otherwise treat you unfairly. It is


important that you don't add disturbance to this adversity by demanding that thereciprocity effect must exist in such situations. It doesn't and no amount ofdemanding that it must will make it so. Rather, look at the situation from your rational¯exible and non-extreme mind. When you do so you will still feel very badly about it(i.e. sorrow), but you won't be disturbed (i.e. hurt).

It is very important that you discuss this healthy orientationabout reciprocity in close relationships only when you have helpedclients adopt a set of rational beliefs about relationship recipro-city and its violations. Otherwise, your clients will bring theirirrational beliefs to the discussion and it is probable that theywill not be in the best frame of mind to consider your argumentscarefully.

In the course of this discussion, don't forget that the main pur-pose of helping your clients to adopt a healthy orientation towardsreciprocity in relationships (and its absence) is so that your clientsdeal healthily when others do not reciprocate their care and con-cern. It is worth periodically reminding clients of the pragmaticnature of your discussion, particularly if the discussion is becom-ing overly philosophical.

Step 8: Face your hurt related theme in imagery

I hope that you have made a commitment to act on your general rationalbeliefs (i.e. ¯exible belief and non-extreme belief ). Assuming that you have,your basic task is to face up to others treating you badly (where you thinkyou do not deserve such treatment) and relationship devaluation (wheresomeone indicates that their relationship with you is less important to themthan the relationship is to you) and to learn to think rationally about it.

Up to this point you have worked at a general level with respect to yourhurt related theme, dealing with the general irrational beliefs that accountfor your hurt and developing your alternative general rational beliefs.However, when you come to apply your general rational beliefs in dealingwith others treating you badly (where you think you do not deserve suchtreatment) and with relationship devaluation (where someone indicatesthat their relationship with you is less important to them than the rela-tionship is to you), you need to bear in mind one important point. Sinceyou make yourself hurt about speci®c events (actual or imagined), youneed to deal with these by rehearsing speci®c variants of your generalrational beliefs.


While the best way to do this is in speci®c situations where others treatyou badly (where you think you do not deserve such treatment) and whereyour relationship is devalued (where someone indicates that their rela-tionship with you is less important to them than the relationship is to you,you may derive bene®t by using imagery ®rst). If this is the case, you needto do the following:

Imagine a speci®c situation in which you felt hurt or may feel hurt about (a) otherstreating you badly (where you think you do not deserve such treatment) or (b) wheresomeone indicates that their relationship with you is less important to them thanthe relationship is to you and focus, in your mind's eye, on what you felt most hurtabout (i.e. your À'). Focus on this À' while rehearsing a speci®c rational beliefrelevant to the situation. As you do this, try to make yourself feel sorrowful, ratherthan hurt.

Then see yourself acting in ways consistent with your rational belief, e.g. expressingyour sorrow, asking the other person for their perspective and engaging the otherperson in a productive dialogue.



If you ®nd that facing your hurt related À', in your mind's eye, is too muchfor you, use the `challenging, but not overwhelming' principle. This meansthat instead of imagining yourself facing a hurt related situation that you®nd òverwhelming' at the present time, choose a similar hurt related À'that you would ®nd `challenging, but not overwhelming'. Then employ thesame steps that I have outlined above. Work in this way with modi®ed hurtrelated À's' until you ®nd your original one `challenging, but not over-whelming' and then use the steps again.

Some of your clients may say that they can't get very clear imageswhen they try to picture events in their mind's eye. While they mayget more out of imagery techniques if they can get such clearimages, they will still get something out of facing others treatingthem badly or devaluing their relationship with them in imagery ifthey don't. So, if clients want to face their particular adversity inimagery before they do so in reality, encourage them to do so, nomatter how clear their mental images are.


Step 9: Face people who have treated you unfairly,disclose your sorrow and have a constructiveconversation about the experience

Once you have got yourself into a rational frame of mind about situationsabout which you felt hurt so that you now feel sorrowful about it, you are ina position to tell people how you healthily feel about what they did or didnot do. As you do so, it is important that you don't blame them for thefeelings of hurt that you initially felt when you held irrational beliefs abouttheir behaviour or its lack. Once you do this, be ready to listen to theirresponse and try to understand them from their perspective. If you do so,they may well let go of their defensiveness and they also may, and I stressthe word `may' here, apologise for their behaviour. However, even if theydon't apologise, once you hold rational beliefs about their unfair behaviour(for example) rather than irrational beliefs, you have more of a chance ofhaving a constructive dialogue over the episode and of coming to aconstructive resolution.

You may ®nd that your clients report various obstacles to facingthose who have treated them unfairly even after they hold rationalbeliefs about such unfair treatment. I list here some of the majorobstacles and suggest ways of addressing these obstacles with yourclients.

`If I tell them how they feel, they will take advantage and that would beterrible.'If your client thinks that facing someone has, in common parlance, hurt themand will result in the person taking advantage of them, it is important thatyou help them to specify the nature of this `taking advantage' and then helpthem to take the horror out of it. Your client may think that feeling hurtplaces them in a weaker position with respect to the other person. In this case,you can help your client to see that handling such `hurtful' behaviour well andcommunicating feelings of sorrow places them in an emotionally strongposition with respect to the other person in that they are showing the otherthat they can communicate as an equal.

`I may get upset when I face the other person and that is shameful.'Here you can use the material in Chapter 5 on `shame' and help your client todo two things. First, help them to accept themselves unconditionally forshowing `weakness' (here you accept that such emotional expression does con-stitute a weakness). Then help them to reconsider the inference that showingupset is weak.


`I don't feel comfortable facing the person who has ``hurt'' me.'Help your client to see that if they wait until they are comfortable beforefacing the person, they will wait a very long time. Show them that if they arecomfortable about facing the person, it is likely that they are not hurt aboutwhat the other person did or failed to do. Consequently, it is important thatyou help your client realise that they are bound to be uncomfortable aboutfacing a hurt related situation even after they have disputed their hurt-creating irrational beliefs. Show your client that they can tolerate this dis-comfort and that it is worth it to them to do so.


When you have faced a situation in which you experienced hurt and dealtwith it as best you could, it is important that you re¯ect on what you did andwhat you learned. In particular, if you were able to face the situation, andrehearse your speci®c rational beliefs until you felt sorrow, ask yourselfhow you can capitalise on what you achieved. If you experienced anyproblems, respond to the following questions:





Re¯ect on your experience and put into practice what you learned the nexttime you face a situation in which someone treats you badly (and you thinkyou do not deserve such treatment) and where someone has devalued yourrelationship by indicating that their relationship with you is less importantto them than the relationship is to you.



Once you have dealt with your hurt in a speci®c situation by holding therelevant speci®c version of your general rational belief and by acting and


thinking in ways that are consistent with it, you can generalise this learningto situations de®ned by your hurt based theme.

Gina was particularly prone to hurt about others with whom she was closeneglecting her. Thus:

Gine assessed the three components of her hurt response and set goals withrespect to all three components.

She identi®ed her relevant general irrational belief regarding being neglected(i.e. 'I must not be neglected, by those close to me and if I am, I am unlovable')that underpinned her hurt response and her alternative general rational belief(i.e. `I don't want to be neglected by those close to me, but that does not meanthat it must not happen. If it does, it is unfortunate, but it does not prove that Iam unlovable. I am the same person whether or not they neglect me') thatunderpinned her sorrow response.

She questioned both elements of her general irrational belief and her generalrational belief until she clearly saw that the former were false, made no senseand were detrimental to her, and that the latter were true, sensible and healthy.

She acted on shortened versions of her rational beliefs in speci®c situationsand disclosed her feelings of sorrow about being neglected. This resulted in auseful discussion with the other, which sometimes resulted in themapologising to her and taking her less for granted in the future.

As she acted on her rational beliefs, she tolerated the discomfort that she feltand accepted that some of her distorted and skewed negative thinking wouldstill be in her mind as she did so. She let such thinking be without engagingwith it, suppressing it or distracting herself from it.

As this section shows, you can generalise what you learn about dealingwith hurt from situation to situation as de®ned by your hurt based inference.

USING RECBT'S ABCD FORM TO DEAL WITHSPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF YOUR HURT

This chapter is mainly geared to help you deal with your hurt in generalterms. However, you can also use this material to address speci®c examplesof your hurt. I have developed a self-help form to provide the structure toassist you in this regard. It is called the ABCD form and it appears withinstructions in Appendix 6.



OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES IN DEALING WITHHURT

In the above section, I outlined an eleven step programme to deal with hurt.In this section, I discuss some other important issues that may be relevantto you in your work to become less prone to this emotional problem. If youwant to, you can incorporate them as additional steps in the above step-by-step guide at points relevant to you.

Dealing with your safety-seeking measures to avoidhurt

I mentioned in Chapter 2 that people use safety-seeking measures to pro-tect themselves from threat. You may use similar measures to protectyourself from feeling hurt. Here is how this works from your perspective.You reason that since you feel hurt about (a) others treating you unfairlyand (b) relationship devaluation (where someone indicates that theirrelationship with you is less important to them than the relationship is toyou), you will take one major step to avoid hurt. This involves you keepingyourself at a distance from others to whom you would like to get close andnot putting yourself in a position where you feel vulnerable to be takenadvantage of. Adopting this position means that you will have super®cialrelationships with people and will thus be unhappy and frustrated since youideally want to be closer to them.

However, this stance and the reasoning that leads you to take it are¯awed and will only serve to perpetuate your tendency to feel hurt. This isdue to the fact that your hurt is not based on (a) others treating you badly(when you think you do not deserve such treatment) and (b) relationshipdevaluation (where someone indicates that their relationship with you isless important to them than the relationship is to you), but on your irra-tional beliefs about these two inferences. So, if you want to deal effectivelywith hurt you need to do the following:

Take healthy risks and allow yourself to get close to people and to feel vulnerable.However, do this while holding rational beliefs about the above inferences.

If it transpires that some people do treat you badly or show that they do not value therelationship as much as you do, deal with this by bringing to such situationsappropriate speci®c versions of your general rational beliefs so that you feel sorrowand not hurt about these episodes. Also, act and think in ways that are consistentwith these speci®c rational beliefs as far as you can.


If you do this, you will be less likely to keep your distance from those towhom you would like to get close.

It is one of the major themes of both the Client's Guide and thisPractitioner's Guide that when your clients come to change theirbehaviour from dysfunctional to functional, they will still experi-ence urges to act dysfunctionally. This is why it is so important tohelp your clients understand the difference between overt actionsand action tendencies. In the present context, this means stressingto your clients as they strive to act in ways that address their hurtfeelings constructively and thus desist from using hurt relatedsafety-seeking strategies, they will still feel the urge to use them.Help them to develop ways of accepting, but not necessarily likingsuch urges and to implement their healthy sorrow based beha-viour, even though such aforementioned behaviour may be presentfor some time. You may have to help certain clients identify andrespond to irrational beliefs such as: `If I feel the urge to do some-thing to get rid of my hurt quickly, then I have to act on that urge'.Developing and strengthening rational beliefs about these urges isparticularly important for such clients.

Why you feel hurt much of the time and how to dealwith this

If you are particularly prone to hurt, you hold the following belief, which Icall a `chronic hurt based general irrational belief':

`Once I invest in people close to me, I must get, and see clearly that I am getting, afair return on that investment and if I don't it's terrible and proves that I am unworthyor to be pitied.'

Holding this belief you will do the following:

You will often focus on past relationships where (a) others have treated you unfairlyor (b) where their investment in your relationship was not as strong as yours.

You scan your current relationships certain to ®nd evidence that others are treatingyou badly or that they don't care for you as much as you care for them. If there is anyambiguity about this, you err on the side of undeserved treatment and relationshipdevaluation.


Finally, as we have seen, you will avoid getting close to people because you are surethat, in your terms, they will hurt you.

How to deal with chronic hurt

In order to deal with this chronic sense of hurt, you need to develop andapply an alternative general rational belief which protects you from suchhurt:

`Once I invest in people close to me, I really want to get, and see clearly that I amgetting, a fair return on that investment, but I don't have to do so. If I don't, it's bad.But not terrible and it neither proves that I am unworthy nor to be pitied. Rather, I ama non-poor, fallible human being who has been treated poorly.'

Such a belief will lead you to think that the following occurred only whenthere is clear evidence for making such an inference:

Someone did take advantage of your good nature and treated you unfairly.

The other person does not value your relationship with you as much as you valueyour relationship with them.

When there is such evidence you will feel sorrow rather than hurt becauseyou will be processing this with a speci®c rational belief.

In addition, this belief will help you to think of times in the past whenothers did treat you fairly and reciprocated your positive feelings about therelationship as well as helping you to see the potential for good in futurerelationships as well as the potential for bad.

If your clients ®nd that the above explanation is too complex, youcan help them to see that holding rigid beliefs about the presenceor absence of hurt related adversities means that unless they areclear that they have not been treated badly, for example, then theythink they have been treated badly. When their beliefs are ¯exible,they can be more objective about the presence of these adversities.

How to examine the accuracy of your hurt relatedinference if necessary

If you are still unsure that people have treated you badly or do not recipro-cate the value you put on your relationship with them, answer one or moreof the following questions:


How valid is my inference that the other person has betrayed me (for example)?

Would an objective jury agree that the other person betrayed has me? If not, whatwould the jury's verdict be?

Is my inference that the other person has betrayed me realistic? If not, what is a morerealistic inference?

If I asked someone whom I could trust to give me an objective opinion about myinference that the other person has betrayed me, what would that person say to meand why? What inference would this person encourage me to make instead?

If a friend had told me that they had made the same inference about being betrayed inthe same situation, what would I say to them about the validity of their inference andwhy? What inference would I encourage the person to make instead?

Assessing and dealing with emotional problemsabout hurt

In previous chapters, I discussed the concept of meta-disturbance (literallydisturbance about disturbance). It is important to assess carefully thenature of this meta-disturbance about hurt before you can best deal with it.

The best way to start dealing with the assessment of any emotionalproblems you might have about hurt is to ask yourself the question: `Howdo I feel about my feeling of hurt?' The most common emotional problemsthat people have about hurt are as follows: anxiety, depression, shame andunhealthy self-anger. I refer you to the relevant chapters on these emotionalproblems in this book for help on how to deal with meta-emotional prob-lems about hurt.

Your clients will sometimes need to address their emotional prob-lems about hurt before they address their hurt feelings. They needto do this particularly when their secondary emotional problemgets in the way of them dealing with their primary hurt. However,despite the interfering presence of their secondary problem, someclients still want to target their primary hurt. There are two waysof dealing with this situation:

Provide a rationale to help your clients target their secondary problem. Forexample, explain to your client that their secondary problem is like having aball and chain around their leg while they are climbing a steep hill (akin totheir primary feelings of hurt). In the same way as climbing the hill is easierwhen they remove the ball and chain from their leg, dealing with their primaryhurt is easier when they deal with their secondary problem ®rst.


Go along with your clients' wish to deal with their primary hurt and when theyfail to do so, help them to understand that the reason why they failed isbecause they had not addressed their secondary problem and then agree thatthey will now do so.

Developing and rehearsing a non-hurt world view

People develop views of the world as it relates to them that make it more orless likely that they will experience unhealthy negative emotions. The worldviews that render you vulnerable to hurt do so in a similar way to thechronic hurt based general irrational belief discussed above (i.e. `Once Iinvest in people close to me, I must get a fair return on that investment andif I don't it's terrible and proves that I am unworthy or to be pitied') bymaking you focus unduly on times when you have been, are or will betreated unfairly by others or when your feelings were not, are not or will notbe reciprocated in your relationships with others. However, these hurtbased world views have this effect on you much more widely.

It is important that you develop realistic views of the world that will helpyou to deal with hurt. In Table 6, you will ®nd an illustrative list of suchworld views rather than an exhaustive one, so you can get an idea of what Imean, which will enable you to develop your own. In Table 6, I ®rst describe

Table 6 World views that render you vulnerable to hurt and help you to deal with hurt

Views of the world that render youvulnerable to hurt

Views of the world that help youdeal with hurt

When I do a lot for those close to me,they will fail to reciprocate and willabuse my generosity

When I do a lot for people, most willreciprocate, but some won't and somemay even abuse my generosity

If I trust those close to me they willoften betray me while I would not betraythem

If I trust those close to me, most won'tbetray me, but some may well do so

Signi®cant others will act unfairlytowards me while I would not be unfairto them

Some signi®cant others will indeed actunfairly to me, but not all will. Can Ireally be sure that I would not actunfairly to them?

Those close to me will often exclude orneglect me for no good reason

Those close to me may sometimesexclude or neglect me, but most won't.When they do, I may not understandwhy, but this does not mean that theyhave done so for no good reason


a world view that renders you vulnerable to hurt and then I give its healthyalternative. You will see that the former is characterised by a conception ofsigni®cant others as being basically malevolent (e.g. withholding, unfair,excluding, neglectful) individuals who will betray your trust. In the latter, amore benign, balanced, but realistic picture of others is revealed and thus ahealthier response to their unfair treatment can be expected.

If you hold rational beliefs that are consistent with the views of the worldlisted on the right hand side of Table 6 and if you act and think in ways thatare, in turn, consistent with these rational beliefs, then doing all this willhelp you become less prone to hurt.

In Chapter 7, I discuss unhealthy anger and how to deal with it.


Dealing with unhealthy anger

In this chapter, I begin by presenting RECBT's way of understandingunhealthy anger and then address how to deal with this very commonemotional problem.

UNDERSTANDING UNHEALTHY ANGER

In understanding unhealthy anger, we need to know what we tend to makeourselves unhealthily angry about (i.e. its major inference themes), whatbeliefs we hold, how we act or tend to act, and how we think when we areunhealthily angry.

I mentioned in previous chapters that it is important that you useyour client's language when referring to emotional problems. Withrespect to the term ùnhealthy anger', you need to be aware thatnot all clients with an ànger' problem resonate with the termùnhealthy anger'. Indeed, as we will see, people who have a prob-lem with anger are often quite reluctant to see their ànger' as aproblem. However, even those who do see their anger as a problemmay baulk at using the term ùnhealthy anger' as a way of refer-ring to it. They may identify more closely with terms like ùpset',`feeling hostile' or `rage'. If so, your task is to satisfy yourself andyour client that these terms represent the unhealthy negative emo-tion known in RECBT as unhealthy anger. Once you have done so,use your client's language and write this down in your client's notes.

Major inference themes in unhealthy anger

When you are unhealthily angry, your anger is about one or more of thefollowing:

You have been frustrated in some way.

Your movement towards an important goal has been obstructed in some way.

7

Someone has transgressed one of your personal rules.

You have transgressed one of your own personal rules.

Someone has shown you disrespect.

Someone or something has threatened your self-esteem.

Some clients may not resonate with the above schema and, in thesecases, you should encourage them to put it aside and just focus onwhat they tend to feel unhealthily angry about. RECBT theoryvalues ¯exibility and this includes the freedom not to use RECBTterms, schemes and frameworks.

Irrational beliefs

As I explained in Chapter 1, according to RECBT, an inference on its owndoes not account for your emotional problem of unhealthy anger. It ispossible for you to make the same inference and be healthily rather thanunhealthily angry. In order for you to feel unhealthily angry when you makeone of the ®ve inferences listed above, you have to hold an irrational belief.When you think irrationally, you hold a rigid belief and one or more extremebeliefs. While the rigid belief is at the core of unhealthy anger, the extremebeliefs that are derived from the rigid belief often distinguish betweenwhether you are experiencing ego unhealthy anger (where you depreciateyourself ) or non-ego unhealthy anger (where you `awfulise' or ®nd theadversity intolerable). You may, of course, experience both ego unhealthyanger and non-ego unhealthy anger in a given situation.

If your clients are unsure about the mediating role that irrationalbeliefs play in their unhealthy anger, ask them how they wouldfeel if they really believed the rational alternatives to what RECBTholds are their unhealthy anger creating irrational beliefs. Inusing this strategy, it is important that you formulate the rationalbeliefs for your clients, who cannot be expected to do this forthemselves at this stage. When you do this, ensure that you matchyour clients' rigid belief with a ¯exible alternative and their mainextreme belief with a non-extreme alternative, and then ask themhow they would feel if they had strong conviction in this rationalbelief.

For example: `Let me outline two sets of beliefs about beingdisrespected and you tell me which leads to unhealthy anger and

177Dealing with unhealthy anger

which leads to healthy anger. The ®rst set of beliefs is as follows:``Others must not show me disrespect and if they do they arescum.'' The second set of beliefs is as follows: ``I really don't wantothers to show me disrespect, but sadly and regretfully, this doesnot mean that they must not do so. If they do they are not scum;they are fallible humans who are acting `scummily'.'' Now whichset of beliefs would lead to unhealthy anger and which would leadto healthy anger?'

Be aware that this question often leads to a lengthy discussion ofthe behavioural and thinking correlates of the two forms of anger(which I outline later in the Client's Guide) and you should beprepared to help your clients list these and see the differencesbetween the two. Once your clients can see that their irrationalbeliefs underpin unhealthy anger and their rational beliefs under-pin healthy anger, they have understood the mediating role ofbeliefs.


1. It addresses your clients' doubts about the mediating role of irrational beliefsin unhealthy anger if they have such concern.



Behaviour associated with unhealthy anger

When you hold an irrational belief about one of the six things that peoplemake themselves angry about (see pp. 176±177), you feel unhealthy angerand you will act or tend to act in a number of ways, the most common ofwhich are as follows:

You attack the other(s) physically.

You attack the other(s) verbally.

You attack the other(s) passive-aggressively.

You displace the attack on to another person, animal or object.

You withdraw aggressively.

You recruit allies against the other(s).


You will see from the above list that the main purpose of most of thesebehaviours (and action tendencies) is to destroy or avoid the person whoyou think (albeit wrongly) has made you angry. However, such destructiveor avoidance behaviour is largely responsible for the maintenance ofunhealthy anger, since it prevents you from facing up to the situation inwhich you make yourself unhealthily angry and from dealing with the issuesinvolved in a healthy manner.

If you ask your clients whether they want to change theirunhealthy anger related behaviour, their response will be affectedby whether or not they are in an unhealthily angry mood. If theyare, they will be far less likely to see that this behaviour isdysfunctional than when they are not unhealthily angry. In otherchapters, I suggest that you ask your clients how they would advisea friend who displays the same behaviour as they do when they areemotionally disturbed. With these other unhealthy negative emo-tions, your clients can usually see that even though they arecurrently emotionally disturbed, they would advise their friend notto act as they would when in that disturbed frame of mind.However, this is less likely the case with unhealthy anger and assuch I suggest that you use this strategy with great care. It is bestused after your client has made some progress in thinking ration-ally about the provocation at `A'.

Thinking associated with unhealthy anger

When you hold an irrational belief about an anger-related inference, youwill feel unhealthily angry and think in a number of ways. Remember what Isaid in Chapter 1: the thinking that accompanies your unhealthy anger isthe result of your inference being processed by your irrational belief andtherefore it is likely to contain a number of thinking errors that I present inAppendix 1. I list the main features of this post-irrational belief unhealthyanger based thinking below:

You overestimate the extent to which the other(s) acted deliberately.

You see malicious intent in the motives of the other(s).

You see yourself as de®nitely right and the other(s) as de®nitely wrong.

You are unable to see the point of view of the other(s).


You plot to exact revenge.

You ruminate about the other's behaviour and imagine coming out on top.

It is important to note that such post-irrational belief thinking in unhealthyanger may be in words or in mental images.

One of the main features of post-irrational belief thinking is thatit is compelling. As such, it is quite easy for your clients to getcaught up in this way of thinking and think that it re¯ects reality.This is an example of `cognitive-emotive' reasoning: if a thought isplausible and emotionally compelling, therefore it must be true. Itis important that you help your client to understand how theirmind works with respect to the thinking consequences of irrationalbeliefs and to encourage them to use such thoughts to go back toaddress the irrational beliefs that spawn them. When they havedone this, you can encourage them to respond to these thinkingconsequences of irrational beliefs as the iBs will not disappear justbecause they have questioned these beliefs. When they respond tothese thinking consequences of iBs, they need to do so only a fewtimes on any one occasion. After that, they need to accept thepresence of such thinking without engaging with it.








HOW TO DEAL WITH UNHEALTHY ANGER

If you are prone to unhealthy anger, you tend to experience this emotionalproblem in a variety of different settings and in response to a variety ofanger related inferences. Here is how to deal with unhealthy anger so thatyou become less prone to it.


Step 1: Identify reasons why unhealthy anger is aproblem for you and why you want to change

While most unhealthy negative emotions are generally regarded as prob-lematic, this is less so when it comes to unhealthy anger. Indeed, oftenpeople whose anger meets the criteria for unhealthy anger (i.e. it leads tolargely unconstructive results and leaves them preoccupied with whatever itis that they are unhealthily angry about) are ambivalent about seeing theiranger as a problem and thus targeting it for change. If this is true for you,this may be due to two major factors:

You may not understand what constitutes healthy anger.

Even when you understand the differences between healthy and unhealthy anger, youmay construe unhealthy anger positively and/or healthy anger negatively.

Let me now discuss these two points more fully.

Understanding the differences between unhealthy angerand healthy anger

In this book, I have consistently made the point that the differencesbetween unhealthy negative emotions (UNEs) and healthy negative emo-tions (HNEs) reside not in the inferences that you make about situations inwhich you ®nd yourself, but in the beliefs that you make about theseinferences and in the way you subsequently think and act. With respect toanger, then, it is particularly important that you have a clear idea whatconstitutes healthy anger and, in particular, what are the behaviours andmodes of thinking that accompany this healthy form of anger. I refer you top. 189 and p. 190 for a review. Then compare these responses to those thataccompany unhealthy anger (see p. 178 and pp. 179±180). You shouldideally see that, in the main, healthy anger is more constructive for you inthe longer term than unhealthy anger. If not, you may need to identify andinvestigate your positive connotations of unhealthy anger and negativeconnotations of healthy anger.

Identifying and responding to your positive connotationsof unhealthy anger and your negative connotations ofhealthy anger

Having understood the differences between unhealthy anger and healthyanger, you may ®nd yourself drawing back from making a commitment toworking towards becoming healthily rather than unhealthily angry. The


reasons for this may be due to how you construe both types of anger.These constructions are likely to be based on misconceptions of thesedifferent anger types.

Common positive connotations of unhealthy anger

Here are two examples of commonly found positive connotations ofunhealthy anger that people tend to make which stop them from committingto healthy anger as a constructive alternative to their unhealthy anger. I listeach positive connotation and then brie¯y discuss how to respond to it.

`When I feel unhealthy anger, I feel powerful and I don't want to lose that feeling.'Response: the power that you experience is based on the attitude of a tyrant (e.g.`Things have to be my way'). You can experience a different form of power related tobeing assertive and ¯exible with healthy anger.

`My unhealthy anger is an appropriate strong response to someone breaking one of mymost important rules.'Response: healthy anger can be strong without the destructive effects of unhealthyanger.

Common negative connotations of healthy anger

Here are two examples of commonly found negative connotations ofhealthy anger that again stop people from committing to healthy anger. Asbefore I list each negative connotation and then brie¯y discuss how torespond to it

`Healthy anger is weak and wishy-washy.'Response: while never as strong as blind rage, healthy anger can be very strong andcan be based on ®rmness.

`If you are healthily angry, you let people get away with acting badly.'Response: no, you don't. You tell them in no uncertain terms how you feel about theirbad behaviour and you apply the necessary consequences, but without damningthem.

It is important that you take time to elicit and deal effectivelywith all your client's doubts, reservations and objections to seeingunhealthy anger as a problem and healthy anger as a solution tothis problem. Time spent on taking care over this issue will berewarded later. If you rush matters at this point, you increase therisk that your client will remain uncommitted to seeing theirunhealthy anger as a problem for them and/or seeing healthyanger as a constructive alternative to this problem.


Step 2: Take responsibility for your unhealthy anger

In RECBT, we argue that people or things do not make you unhealthilyangry; rather you create these feelings by the rigid and extreme beliefs thatyou hold about such people and things. You may object that this involvesyou blaming yourself for creating your feelings of unhealthy anger, but thisobjection is based on a misconception. It assumes that taking responsi-bility for creating your unhealthy anger is synonymous with self-blame. Intruth, responsibility means that you take ownership for the irrational beliefsthat underpin your unhealthy anger while accepting yourself for doing so.Blame, on the other hand, means that you regard yourself as being bad forcreating your own unhealthy anger.

The idea that emotional problems (including unhealthy anger) arebased largely on the way that a person thinks about what happensto them is, as you know, a central plank in RECBT. However, formany clients it will be a new idea. Thus, your clients may hold thatthe reason they are unhealthily angry, for example, is that it isinherently unhealthy anger making to be shown disrespect or whenanother transgresses one of the cardinal rules for living held byyour client. This type of thinking is known in RECBT circles as À-C'thinking (where events are deemed to cause feelings) and it is veryprevalent in people with an unhealthy anger problem. By contrast,the RECBT model stresses the ÀBC' model, where the impact ofevents on a person is mediated by the beliefs that they hold aboutthese events. The ÀBC' model holds that the person needs to takeresponsibility for creating their feelings of unhealthy anger byholding a set of irrational beliefs.

If your clients have dif®culty accepting responsibility for theirunhealthy anger, it is important for you to identify the source ofthis dif®culty. This source is most frequently evidenced in yourclients' negative connotations of what accepting such responsi-bility means. Here are a number of common negative connotationsand how to respond to them:

Àccepting responsibility for my unhealthy anger means that I will be blamedfor doing this.'Response: even if you will be blamed for this, it is how you think about suchblame that is important. If you demand that you should not be blamed, youwill disturb yourself further. However, if you prefer but do not demand thatyou are not blamed, you will react to this situation more healthily. Addi-tionally, whether or not you are blamed for accepting responsibility for your


unhealthy anger, you do not have to blame yourself for doing so. Adopting anattitude of unconditional self-acceptance will help you accept full responsi-bility for your unhealthy anger and will help you to work on dealing with thisproblem in a committed way.

`Accepting responsibility for my unhealthy anger means letting the otherperson off the hook.' (This is a very common misconception that unlessaddressed and readdressed throughout therapy will constitute an ongoingobstacle to effective therapy.)Response: you can accept responsibility for creating your unhealthy anger,while still holding the other person to full account for his behaviour towardsyou. The one does not preclude the other. Also, whether or not you disturbyourself about the other person's behaviour is not relevant to whether theyshould take responsibility for their behaviour towards you. In RECBT we arguethat the person should do so, which does not mean that they necessarily will.We do know however that they are less likely to do so when they receive anunhealthy response from you. While expressing healthy anger towards theother person will not guarantee that they will hold themselves to account fortheir behaviour, it will increase the chances that they will do so.

`Accepting responsibility for my unhealthy anger means that I am beingpunished twice.'Response: this view is based on the idea that accepting responsibility forunhealthy anger is a form of punishment. Actually, it is the ®rst step that youneed to take to deal with your emotional problem. Indeed, if you consider thatunhealthy anger is an emotional problem, you are being penalised twice: ®rst,with respect to the negative way you were treated by the other person, andsecond, by needlessly disturbing yourself about such treatment. Dealing withyour unhealthy anger will still leave you with the problem of the other person'sbehaviour, but it will remove the optional self-punishment known asunhealthy anger.


Step 3: Identify the themes about which you tend tofeel unhealthy anger

You should now be in a position to commit yourself to working towardsexperiencing healthy anger rather than unhealthy anger. As the object ofyour unhealthy anger may be yourself, others or aspects of life that do not


relate to yourself or others, your anger related inferences exist in each ofthese realms of your personal domain. I will group them as such.

Anger-related inferences concerning self

When you are unhealthily angry with yourself, you consider that you eitherhave broken or failed to live up to one of your own personal rules con-cerning your behaviour. What differentiates unhealthy self-anger fromdepression is that in unhealthy anger you want to attack yourself angrilymore than you do in depression. What differentiates unhealthy self-angerfrom shame and guilt is that in the latter your rules concern your moral andsocially acceptable behaviour, while in the former they tend to be lessconcerned with the social or moral world.

Anger-related inferences concerning others

As with anxiety, it is useful to ask yourself when you are unhealthily angrywith others whether they are, in your mind, threatening your self-esteem ornot. Let me ®rst outline the inferences that you make that are relevant toself-esteem when you are unhealthily angry. These threats are experiencedmore in the here and now than is the case with anxiety.

Common threats to self-esteem in unhealthy anger towards others

Here you infer that the other person

has disrespected you

criticised you

made you look stupid

rejected you.

Common anger related inferences about others that do not involvethreats to your self-esteem

Another person breaks your personal rule concerning how people are to behave.

Another person fails to live up to your personal rule about how others are to behave.

Another person blocks your path towards an important goal.

Another person frustrates you.


Common anger related inferences about inanimateobjects

The object frustrates you (e.g. it does not work properly).

The object blocks your path towards an important goal (e.g. a ticket machine doesnot issue you with a ticket so that you can't travel and get to an important meeting).

If your clients ®nd it dif®cult to ®nd their unhealthy anger relatedtheme, you can help them by assessing a few speci®c examples oftheir unhealthy anger. Have them focus on a speci®c situation inwhich they were unhealthily angry and ask them why they wereunhealthily angry. If they still ®nd it dif®cult to identify thetheme in this or other speci®c situations, use the `magic question'technique. This involves you doing the following:

Have your clients focus on the situation in which they were unhealthily angry.

Ask them to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantlyreduce their unhealthy anger in the situation.

The opposite of this nominated ingredient is what they are most unhealthilyangry about.

Harriet was struggling to identify the speci®c theme in her unhealthy angerabout others being late. I helped Harriet to use the `magic question'technique as follows:

I asked Harriet to focus on the situation in which she was unhealthily angry:`I have arranged to meet a friend after work and she is late.'

I asked Harriet to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or sig-ni®cantly reduce her unhealthy anger without changing the situation:`Her showing me respect by calling ahead of time to tell me that she wouldbe late.'

The opposite of this nominated ingredient was what she is most unhealthilyangry about:`Her not showing me respect by calling ahead of time to tell me that shewould be late.'

If you assess a number of speci®c examples of your clients'unhealthy anger in this way, the unhealthy anger related themeshould be apparent. In Harriet's case, being shown disrespect byothers was the dominant theme in her unhealthy anger.


It may be that there are two unhealthy anger related themespresent in your client's unhealthy anger. For example, your clientmay feel unhealthily angry about being shown disrespect and alsoabout breaking their personal rule of living. If this is the case, dealwith them one at a time and have your client nominate the themewhich they want to focus on ®rst.

Step 4: Identify the three components of yourunhealthy anger response and set goals with respectto each component

The next step is for you to list the three elements of your unhealthy angerresponse in the face of each of the themes listed above.

Identify the three components of your unhealthy angerresponse

I use the term `unhealthy anger response' to describe the three maincomponents that make up this response. The three components of yourunhealthy anger response are the emotional, behavioural and thinkingcompenents.

Emotional component

The emotional component is, of course, unhealthy anger.


The behavioural component concerns overt behaviour or action tenden-cies. These will be largely attacking in nature. Consult the list that I pro-vided to help you identify your behaviour associated with each theme whenyou are unhealthily angry (see p. 178). It is important to note that we areoften taught to suppress our tendency to act in ways that are consistentwith our unhealthy anger. This is why identifying such suppressed beha-vioural tendencies is often a more reliable guide to the fact that your angeris unhealthy than your actual behaviour will be.


Thinking component

The thinking component of your unhealthy anger often concerns fantasiesof getting even and gaining revenge. Such behaviour re¯ects how youwould like to respond if you did not suppress your actual behaviour andyour action tendencies. Whereas in unhealthy behaviour you can frequentlysaid to be prosocial in your actual behaviour in that you will not give fullbehavioural expression to what you would like to do, in your thinking youare antisocial in that your thoughts and images often express the full extentof your wish to get back at the person or object that, in your mind, hasangered you.


You need to set goals so that you know what you are striving for when youdeal effectively with unhealthy anger. The three goals are emotional, beha-vioural and thinking goals.

Emotional goal

Your emotional goal is healthy anger rather than unhealthy anger (orwhatever synonym you prefer to the term `healthy anger'). Healthy anger isa healthy negative emotion, which is an appropriate response to the angerrelated inferences I outlined earlier, but one which helps you to processwhat has happened to you and move on with your life rather than get stuckor bogged down.

The concept that healthy anger is the healthy alternative tounhealthy anger in the face of being frustrated, having yourmovement towards an important goal obstructed in some way,someone transgressing a personal rule, you transgressing one ofyour own personal rules, someone showing you disrespect or some-one otherwise threatening your self-esteem is based on the follow-ing idea. These adversities are negative and therefore it is realisticto have a negative emotion about them. The choice, therefore, isbetween an unhealthy negative emotion (unhealthy anger) or ahealthy negative emotion (healthy anger). But what if your clientsspecify unrealistic goals? Here are a number of such goals and howto respond to clients who nominate them:


Ì don't want to feel unhealthily angry.'Show your clients that they have indicated what they do not want to feel in theface of anger related themes, but not what they do want to feel. Help them tospecify an emotion to aim for, like healthy anger!

Ì want to feel less unhealthily angry.'Show your clients that as unhealthy anger is a disturbed emotion, wanting tofeel less unhealthily angry is still to nominate a disturbed emotion, albeit oflesser intensity. Show them that healthy anger can be strong (but not inresponse to blind rage) and healthy.

Ì want to feel calm.'Being calm in the face of unhealthy anger related adversity will not help yourclients to be appropriately geared up to deal with it. Help them to see this. Alsoshow them that the only way that they could achieve a state of calmness aboutsuch adversity is to believe that it does not matter to them whether or not theyexperienced these adversities. In other words, show them that they would haveto lie to themselves!

Behavioural goal

Your behavioural goal should re¯ect actions that are based on healthyanger rather than unhealthy anger. The following are the most commonbehaviours associated with healthy anger. You may wish to compare thesebehaviours with those associated with unhealthy anger that I presented onp. 178.

You assert yourself with the other(s).

You request, but do not demand, behavioural change from the other(s).

You leave an unsatisfactory situation non-aggressively after taking steps to dealwith it.

It is important that your clients understand that as they strive todevelop healthy behavioural responses to anger related themes,they will still feel the urge to act in ways designed to help themaggress against these adversities. Help them to understand thereason for this. Explain to them that as they question their beliefsand commit themselves to strengthening their conviction in theirrational beliefs and to weakening their conviction in their irra-tional beliefs, their irrational beliefs will still be active and pro-ducing urges for them to act dysfunctionally. Encourage yourclients to accept these urges, to recognise that they do not have toact on them and to use them as cues to act in functional ways.


Thinking goal

As well as setting behavioural goals related to the feeling of healthy angerin the face of anger related inferences, it is important that you set thinkinggoals associated with this emotion. The following are the most commonforms of thinking associated with healthy anger rather than unhealthyanger. Again you may wish to compare these forms of thinking with thoseassociated with unhealthy anger that I presented on pp. 179±180.

You think that the other(s) may have acted deliberately, but you also recognise thatthis may not have been the case.

You are able to see the point of view of the other(s).

You have ¯eeting rather than sustained thoughts to exact revenge.

You think that other(s) may have had malicious intent in their motives, but you alsorecognise that this may not have been the case.

You think that you are probably rather than de®nitely right and the other(s) asprobably rather than de®nitely wrong.

As the above list shows, the dominant feature of thinking associated withconcern is that it is realistic and balanced. Please remember that suchthinking may be in words or in mental pictures.







A general irrational belief is an irrational belief that you hold acrosssituations de®ned by the anger related inference theme(s) to which you arevulnerable. It accounts for your unhealthy anger response. Its rational alter-native, which will also be general in nature, will account for your healthyanger response.


When you identify a general irrational belief, you take a common angerrelated theme (e.g. threat to your self-esteem or someone breaking yourpersonal rule) and add to this a general rigid belief and the main extremebelief that is derived from the rigid belief.

When you are particularly prone to self-esteem based unhealthy anger,your main extreme belief will be an other-depreciation belief when yourfocus is on the other person who threatened your self-esteem, but you willalso have an underlying self-depreciation belief.

For non-self-esteem based unhealthy anger, your main extreme belief willfrequently be an other-depreciation belief (when the focus of yourunhealthy anger is others) or it may be a discomfort intolerance or evena life-depreciation belief (particular when the focus of your unhealthy angeris inanimate objects or frustrating life conditions). For example:

`People must not put me down and make me feel inadequate. They are bad fordoing so' (a general self-esteem based irrational belief ).

`People must keep their promises and they are bad if they don't' (a general non-self-esteem based irrational belief ).


When you identify your alternative general rational belief, you take the samecommon theme (e.g. the threat to your self-esteem or someone breakingyour personal rule) and add to this a general ¯exible belief and the mainnon-extreme belief that is derived from the ¯exible belief.

If your general non-extreme belief was self-depreciation (when you areparticularly prone to self-esteem based unhealthy anger), your general non-extreme belief will be an unconditional self-acceptance belief. If you areprone to non-self-esteem based unhealthy anger, your alternative general


non-extreme beliefs will be an other-acceptance belief, a discomfort toler-ance belief or an unconditional life-acceptance belief. For example:

`I don't want people to put me down, but that does not mean that they must not doso. If they do, I am not inadequate and they are not bad. We are both fallible humanbeings who can act in a myriad of different ways, both good and bad. They are badfor doing so' (a general unconditional self-acceptance based rational belief ).

`I want people to keep their promises, but unfortunately they don't have to do so. Ifthey don't, it's bad, but they are not. They are fallible and capable of acting well andbadly' (a general unconditional other-acceptance based rational belief ).



Consequently, one way that you can help your clients who areusing the Client's Guide is to help them to work with speci®cexamples of their emotional problem, in this case unhealthy anger.Use the following sequence as you do so and help your clients to

select a speci®c example of their unhealthy anger problem

express why their unhealthy anger constitutes a problem for them

identify what they were most unhealthily angry about in the situation

identify the three speci®c components of their unhealthy anger and set speci®cgoals with respect to each component




In helping your clients to deal with a speci®c example of theirunhealthy anger, you can teach them how to use RECBT's ABCDform, which appears in Appendix 6.

The following steps are the same as those that appear in Steps 7±10 later in this chapter. Thus, help your clients to

face being frustrated (e.g. having their movement towards an important goalbeing obstructed in some way, someone transgressing a personal rule, yourclient transgressing one of their own personal rules, someone showing themdisrespect or someone threatening their self-esteem in reality, if possible) andtake appropriate action




While there are many ways of questioning your general irrational beliefsand general rational beliefs, in my view the most ef®cient way involves you®rst questioning together your general rigid belief and its general ¯exiblebelief alternative, and then questioning together your general extreme beliefand its general non-extreme belief alternative.









Next, take your general extreme belief and its general non-extreme beliefalternative and again write them down next to one another on a sheet ofpaper. Then, ask yourself the same three questions that you used with yourgeneral rigid belief and its general ¯exible belief alternative. Again writedown your answer to each of these questions on your piece of paper, givingreasons for each answer. I suggest that you consult Appendix 3 (for helpwith questioning awfulising and non-awfulising beliefs), Appendix 4 (forhelp with questioning discomfort intolerance beliefs and discomfort toler-ance beliefs) and Appendix 5 (for help with questioning depreciation beliefsand unconditional acceptance beliefs). Again, you need to adapt and applythese arguments to the beliefs you are questioning.








However, there are other ways of questioning beliefs as shownbelow. When using the Client's Guide with your clients, outlinethese other approaches in case they do not resonate with the


approach I put forward in the Client's Guide. The important pointis that your clients use all three arguments with each of theirrational and irrational beliefs.

Rigid belief


Flexible belief


Main extreme belief




And also:

Rigid belief

empirical status

Flexible belief

empirical status

Rigid belief

logical status

Flexible belief

logical status

Rigid belief

pragmatic status

Flexible belief

pragmatic status

Main extreme belief

empirical status



empirical status

Main extreme belief

logical status


logical status

Main extreme belief

pragmatic status


pragmatic status.


Step 7: Face your anger related theme in imagery

I hope that you have made a commitment to act on your general rationalbeliefs (i.e. ¯exible belief and relevant non-extreme belief ). Assuming thatyou have, your basic task is to face up to your anger related theme whilerehearsing your rational beliefs.

Up to this point you have worked at a general level with respect to the angerrelated themes about which you are unhealthily angry, the general irrationalbeliefs that account for this unhealthy anger and their alternative generalrational beliefs. However, when you come to apply your general rationalbeliefs in dealing with your response to these themes, you need to bear inmind one important point. Since you make yourself unhealthily angry inspeci®c situations (actual or imagined), you need to deal with these speci®csituations by rehearsing speci®c variants of your general rational beliefs.

While the best way to do this is in speci®c situations in which you inferthreat to your self-esteem or where others have broken your personal rules,you may derive bene®t from using imagery ®rst. If this is the case with you,you need to do the following:


Imagine a speci®c situation in which you felt unhealthily angry and focus on what youwere most angry about.

See yourself facing what you were most angry about while rehearsing a speci®crational belief relevant to the situation. As you do this, try to make yourself feelhealthily angry, rather than unhealthily angry.

Then see yourself take assertive action. Make your picture realistic. Picture a falteringperformance rather than a masterful one.



If you ®nd that facing your anger related inference theme, in your mind'seye, is too much for you, use a principle that I call `challenging, but notoverwhelming'. This means that instead of imagining yourself facing asituation about which you would make yourself overwhelmingly angry,choose a similar situation in which you would make yourself unhealthilyangry, but not overwhelmingly so. Then employ the same steps that I haveoutlined above. Work in this way until you feel able to face what you werepreviously overwhelmingly angry about and then use the steps again.

Some of your clients may say that they can't get very clear imageswhen they try to picture events in their mind's eye. While they mayget more out of imagery techniques if they can get such clearimages, they will still get something out of facing threat inimagery if they don't. So, if clients want to face threat in imagerybefore they do so in reality, encourage them to do so no matter howclear their mental images are.

Step 8: Act assertively in relevant anger relatedsituations

Whether or not you have used imagery as a preparatory step, you need totake the following steps when you assert yourself in anger related situations.

Choose a speci®c situation which contains the theme about which you are likely tomake yourself unhealthily angry.

Make a plan of how you are going to assert yourself in the situation.


Rehearse a speci®c version of your general rational beliefs before entering thesituation so that you can face what you are angry about while in a rational frame ofmind. In addition, it would be useful to develop a shorthand version of your speci®crational belief to use while you are in the situation.

Enter the situation and accept the fact that you are likely to be uncomfortable whiledoing so. Assert yourself as previously planned. React to any consequences from arational frame of mind if you can.

Recognise that even though you have got yourself into a rational frame of mind, someof your thinking may be distorted and unrealistic and some may be realistic andbalanced. Accept the presence of the former and do not engage with it. Engage withthe latter as much as you can.

You may ®nd that your clients report various obstacles to facingbeing frustrated, such as having their movement towards animportant goal obstructed in some way, someone transgressing apersonal rule, a client transgressing one of their own personalrules, someone showing them disrespect or someone threateningtheir self-esteem in reality. I list here some of the major obstaclesand suggest ways of addressing these obstacles with your clients.

Ìt's easier to avoid the object of my anger than to face it.'Help your clients to see that avoiding the source of their anger will not helpthem in the long term to deal with this problem. They may spare themselves inthe short term, but overcoming anger involves facing the object of their angerand rehearsing rational beliefs as they do so.

Ì will lose control if I face the object of my anger.'As clients often feel out of control when they experience unhealthy anger, theymay be reluctant to face the object of their anger. If this is the case, help yourclients to understand that if they rehearse their rational beliefs, they maythink that they will lose control, but probably won't. Show your clients thatavoiding the object of their anger will increase the sense that they will losecontrol of their anger since they are not dealing with the source of their angryfeelings, namely their irrational beliefs. If this does bear therapeutic fruit, youmay need to help your clients develop a rational belief about losing self-controlbefore proceeding.

Ì don't feel comfortable facing the object of my anger.'Help your clients to see that if they wait until they are comfortable beforefacing the object of their anger, they will wait a very long time. Show them thatif they are comfortable about facing the object of their anger, it is likely thatthey are unhealthily angry about it. Consequently, it is important that youhelp your clients realise that they are bound to be uncomfortable about facingthe object of their anger even after they have disputed their unhealthy angercreating irrational beliefs. Show your clients that they can tolerate this dis-comfort and that it is worth it to them to do so.



When you have faced the situation and dealt with it as best you could, it isimportant that you re¯ect on what you did and what you learned. In par-ticular, if you were able to face the relevant theme, rehearse your speci®crational beliefs and asserted yourself, ask yourself how you can capitaliseon what you achieved. If you experienced any problems, respond to thefollowing questions:

Did I focus on the aspect of the situation that I was unhealthily angry about, and ifnot, why not?

Did I rehearse my rational beliefs before and during facing what I was unhealthilyangry about, and if not, why not?

Did I assert myself, and if not, why not?


Re¯ect on your experience and put into practice what you learned the nexttime you face what you are unhealthily angry about.



While you can really deal with your unhealthy anger only in speci®c situ-ations, you can generalise what you have learned about dealing effectivelywith unhealthy anger across situations de®ned by an anger related themeto which you are particularly vulnerable (e.g. people breaking your personalrules) and also apply your learning to situations de®ned by a differenttheme that you may have problems with (e.g. frustration).

Clare was particularly prone to unhealthy anger about other people cancellingarrangements at the last minute, so she followed the steps outlined in thischapter. Thus:

Clare assessed the three components of her unhealthy anger response andset goals with respect to all three components.

She identi®ed her relevant general irrational belief regarding her rule forpeople keeping arrangements with her (i.e. `People must not cancelarrangements with me at the last minute and if they do, they are bad people')


that underpinned her unhealthy anger response and her alternative generalrational belief (i.e. Ì don't want people to cancel arrangements with me at thelast minute, but they don't have to do what I want them to do. It's bad that theyhave done the wrong thing, but they are not bad for doing so. They are falliblehuman beings who are acting badly') that underpinned her healthy angerresponse.

She questioned both elements of her general irrational belief and hergeneral rational belief until she clearly saw that the former were false, madeno sense and were detrimental to her and that the latter were true, sensibleand healthy.

She outlined situations where she thought other people were likely to cancelon her and used imagery to practise speci®c versions of her rational beliefswhile focusing on the other person cancelling on her. She did this until shefelt healthily angry. She then used these skills in actual relevant situations.She used shortened versions of her rational belief (i.e. Ìt's bad, but they arefallible') as she asserted herself with the other person and told them that shedid not like their behaviour and hoped that they would not cancel late again.As she used her assertive skills, she tolerated the discomfort that she felt andaccepted that some of her `post-irrational belief ' thinking would still be in hermind as she did so. She let such thinking be without engaging with it,suppressing it or distracting herself from it.

When she had made progress in dealing with her unhealthy anger about suchcancellations, she applied these skills to dealing with her discomfort relatedunhealthy anger with respect to people frustrating her in shops and otherpublic settings.

She identi®ed her relevant general irrational belief regarding frustration (i.e.`They must not frustrate me and I can't bear it when they do') thatunderpinned her unhealthy anger response and her alternative generalrational belief (i.e. Ì don't want others to frustrate me, but they don't have todo what I want. It's dif®cult for me to put up with such frustration, but I can doso and it's worth it to me to do so') that underpinned her healthy angerresponse.

She again questioned both elements of her general irrational belief and hergeneral rational belief until she clearly saw that the former were false, made nosense and were detrimental to her and that the latter were true, sensible andhealthy.

She then outlined situations which she found particularly frustrating andprepared to face them by questioning speci®c versions of these beliefs She®rst rehearsed relevant speci®c versions of her general rational beliefsregarding frustration and faced this in these speci®c situations while keepingin mind a shortened version of her rational belief (i.e. Ì can bear beingfrustrated').

As she did so she stayed in the situation and allowed herself to experience herfeeling of healthy anger. She accepted that some of her ùnhealthy anger'thinking would still be in her mind as she did so. She again let suchthinking be without engaging with it, suppressing it or distracting herselffrom it.


As this section shows, you can generalise what you learn about dealingwith unhealthy anger from situation to situation as de®ned by a speci®canger related theme threat and from there to situations de®ned by adifferent anger related theme. If you do this consistently, you will eventuallytake the toxicity out of the emotional problem of unhealthy anger.

USING RECBT'S ABCD FORM TO DEAL WITHSPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF YOUR UNHEALTHYANGER

This chapter is mainly geared to help you deal with your unhealthy anger ingeneral terms. However, you can also use this material to address speci®cexamples of your unhealthy anger. I have developed a self-help form toprovide the structure to assist you in this regard. It is called the ABCDform and it appears with instructions in Appendix 6.


OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES IN DEALING WITHUNHEALTHY ANGER

In the above section, I outlined a ten step programme to deal with unhealthyanger. In this section, I discuss some other important issues that may berelevant to you in your work to become less prone to this emotional problem.If you want to, you can incorporate them as additional steps in the abovestep-by-step guide at points relevant to you.

Why you overestimate the presence of anger relatedthemes and how to deal with it

If you are particularly prone to unhealthy anger, you will be particularlysensitive to seeing the presence of anger related themes (such as othersshowing you disrespect) where others, who are not prone to unhealthyanger, do not. So far in this chapter, I have helped you to deal with unhealthyanger in situations where you infer the presence of anger related themes. Inthis section, I help you to understand and deal with situations where you


overestimate their presence in the ®rst place. I will use the example whereyou are particularly prone to infer disrespect in the behaviour of others.

Why you overestimate the presence of disrespect

This is how you come to overestimate the presence of disrespect in thebehaviour of others.

You take the theme of your general irrational belief:Disrespect from the general irrational belief: Ì must not be shown disrespect. Othersare bad if they do not respect me.'

You construct a second general irrational belief that features ambiguity about thetheme:Ìt must be clear that others respect me. I can't tolerate such ambiguity.'

You bring this second general irrational belief to situations where it is possible thatyou may be or have been disrespected and you make an inference about the presenceof disrespect because you cannot convince yourself that you haven't been:`Since it is not clear that you have shown me disrespect, you have disrespected me.'

You focus on this inference and bring a speci®c version of your original generalirrational belief to this inference. For example:Inference: `My boss disrespected me.'Speci®c irrational belief: `My boss must not show me disrespect. He is bad for doing so.'

How to deal with your overestimations of the presence ofdisrespect

In order to deal with your overestimations of the presence of disrespect,you need to take a number of steps which I will illustrate.

Construct general rational alternatives to your original disrespect focused generalirrational belief:Ì don't want to be disrespected, but that does not mean I must not be disrespected. If Iam, it's bad but the person is not bad for doing so. They are fallible.'and to your second ambiguity focused general irrational belief:Ì would like to have clear evidence that I am respected, but I don't need such clarity. It isdif®cult not having this clarity, but I can bear not having it and it is worth bearing.'


Bring your ambiguity focused general rational belief to situations where it is possiblethat you may be or have been disrespected and make an inference based on the dataat hand:Ìt's not clear if I have been disrespected or not, so let's consider the evidence.'


If there is evidence indicating there is a good chance that you will be or have beendisrespected, use a speci®c version of your general disrespect focused rational beliefto deal with this. For example:Inference: `My boss has disrespected me.'Speci®c rational belief: `I don't want my boss to disrespect me, but sadly he does nothave to do what I want him to do. It is bad that he did so, but he is not bad. He is a falliblehuman being who is capable of showing respect and disrespect.'

If your clients ®nd that the above explanation is too complex, youcan help them to see that rigid beliefs about the presence or absenceof unhealthy anger related adversities means that if it is not clearthat the frustration, goal obstruction, personal rule transgression,disrespect or threat to their self-esteem was absent, they willassume that it is present. When their beliefs are ¯exible, they can bemore objective about the presence of these adversities.

How to examine the accuracy of your inference of threat ifnecessary

If you are still unsure if your inference of disrespect is accurate or inaccur-ate, answer one or more of the following questions:

How likely is it that I was disrespected (or might be disrespected)?

Would an objective jury agree that I was (or might be) disrespected? If not, whatwould the jury's verdict be?

Did I view (am I viewing) the situation in which I inferred disrespect realistically? Ifnot, how could I have viewed (can I view) it more realistically?

If I asked someone whom I could trust to give me an objective opinion about the truthor falsity of my inference about being disrespected, what would the person say to meand why? What inference would this person encourage me to make instead?

If a friend had told me that they had faced (were facing or were about to face) thesame situation as I faced and had made the same inference of disrespect, what wouldI say to them about the validity of their inference and why? What inference would Iencourage the person to make instead?

Assessing and dealing with emotional problemsabout unhealthy anger

As I have already pointed out, we have the unique ability to disturb our-selves about our emotional problems. It is important to assess carefully the


nature of this meta-disturbance about unhealthy anger before you can bestdeal with it.

The best way to start dealing with the assessment of any emotionalproblems you might have about unhealthy anger is to ask yourself thequestion: `How do I feel about my feeling of unhealthy anger?' The mostcommon emotional problems that people have about unhealthy anger are asfollows: anxiety, depression, shame, guilt and unhealthy self-anger. Idiscuss only unhealthy self-anger about unhealthy anger in this chapter andrefer you to the respective chapters on anxiety, depression, shame and guiltfor help on how to deal with meta-emotional problems about unhealthyanger.

Assessing unhealthy self-anger about unhealthy anger

When you are unhealthily angry with yourself about your unhealthy anger, itis clear that you think that you have broken your own rule about experi-encing unhealthy anger. This may be about the whole response itself orone or more of its components (i.e. the feeling component, the behaviouralcomponent or the thinking component). In my experience, you are mostlikely to be unhealthily angry with yourself for what you did (or felt likedoing) when you were originally unhealthily angry.

Dealing with unhealthy self-anger about unhealthy anger

Unless you deal with your unhealthy self-anger about unhealthy anger, youare unlikely to deal with your original unhealthy anger. This is because yourfocus will be on blaming yourself for your anger problem, which will takeyou away from dealing with this problem.

The best way of dealing with your unhealthy self-anger about youroriginal unhealthy anger is to accept yourself unconditionally for having aproblem with unhealthy anger. Yes, you may be breaking one of your per-sonal rules by being unhealthily angry and expressing it in unconstructiveways, but sadly there is no reason why you must not break your rule aboutbeing angry or expressing your unhealthy anger. You are human andhumans do break their rules. That does not mean that you should not takeresponsibility for making yourself unhealthily angry in the ®rst place andexpressing it unconstructively in the second place. Far from it! Indeedunless you take responsibility for your unhealthy anger, you won't deal withit. But, you can take responsibility without the self-blame that is a centralfeature of your unhealthy self-anger about your original anger problem.


Your clients will sometimes need to address their disturbanceabout their unhealthy anger (i.e. their secondary disturbance)before they address their primary unhealthy anger. They need to dothis particularly when their secondary emotional problem gets inthe way of them dealing with their primary problem. However,despite the interfering presence of their secondary disturbance,some clients still want to target their primary unhealthy anger®rst. There are two ways of dealing with this situation:

Provide a rationale to help your clients target their secondary disturbance. Forexample, explain to your client that their secondary problem is like having aball and chain around their leg while they are climbing a steep hill (akin totheir primary problem). In the same way as climbing the hill is easier whenthey remove the ball and chain from their leg, dealing with their primaryunhealthy anger is easier when they deal with their secondary disturbance ®rst.

Go along with your clients' wish to deal with their primary unhealthy angerand when they fail to do so, help them to understand that the reason why theyfailed is because they had not addressed their secondary disturbance and thenagree with them that they will now do so.

Developing and rehearsing a non-unhealthy angerworld view

People develop views of the world as it relates to them that make it more orless likely that they will experience unhealthy negative emotions. The worldviews that render you vulnerable to unhealthy anger do so in a similar wayto your ambiguity focused general irrational beliefs about a speci®c angerrelated theme ± by making you oversensitive to the presence of the themeabout which you hold unhealthy anger related irrational beliefs. However,these unhealthy anger based world views have this effect on you muchmore widely.

It is important that you develop realistic views of the world that will helpyou to deal with unhealthy anger. In Table 7, you will ®nd an illustrative listof such world views rather than an exhaustive one, so you can get an ideaof what I mean, which will enable you to develop your own. In Table 7, I ®rstdescribe a world view that renders you vulnerable to unhealthy anger andthen I give its healthy alternative. You will see that the latter is charac-terised by its complexity and non-extreme nature, whereas in the former,aspects of the world that relate to threat are portrayed as unidimensionaland extreme.


If you hold rational beliefs that are consistent with the views of the worldlisted on the right hand side of Table 7 and if you act and think in ways thatare, in turn, consistent with these rational beliefs, then doing all this willhelp you become less prone to unhealthy anger.

In Chapter 8, I discuss unhealthy jealousy and how to deal with it.

Table 7 World views that render you vulnerable to unhealthy anger and help you to dealwith unhealthy anger

Views of the world that render youvulnerable to unhealthy anger

Views of the world that help youdeal with unhealthy anger

It's a dog eat dog world The world is very complex and varied. Itcan be dog eat dog, but it can also bedog look after dog!

People only sel®shly look afterthemselves and their own

People look after themselves and theirown, but in a self-caring way as well assel®shly. They also look after others aswell

There's no such thing as an accident.People always act with malicious intent

People can act with malicious intent,but certainly not all the time andaccidents do happen

People are out to get me, so I need toget them before they get me

People may be out to get me, but theyalso may be out to help me and befriendly. I don't need to go on the attackunless there is clear evidence that theyare out to harm me


Dealing with unhealthy jealousy

In this chapter, I begin by presenting RECBT's way of understandingunhealthy jealousy and then address how to deal with this emotionalproblem.

UNDERSTANDING UNHEALTHY JEALOUSY

In understanding unhealthy jealousy, we need to know what we tend tomake ourselves unhealthily jealous about (i.e. its major inference themes),what beliefs we hold, how we act or tend to act, and how we think when weare unhealthily jealous.

I mentioned in previous chapters that it is important that you useyour client's language when referring to emotional problems. Withrespect to the term ùnhealthy jealousy', you need to be aware thatnot all clients with a `jealousy' problem resonate with the termùnhealthy jealousy'. Indeed, people who have a problem withjealousy may be quite reluctant to see their `jealousy' as a problem,seeing it instead as a sign that they really care for the other person.However, even those who do see their jealousy as problematic maybaulk at using the term ùnhealthy jealousy' as a way of referringto their problem. They may identify more closely with terms likeòver-possessiveness' or ìnsecurity'. If so, your task is to satisfyyourself and your client that these terms represent the unhealthynegative emotion known in RECBT as unhealthy jealousy. Onceyou have done so, use the client's language and write this down inyour client's notes.

Major inference themes in unhealthy jealousy

There are two major themes in relation to your personal domain that areimplicated in unhealthy jealousy:

8

A threat is posed to your relationship with your partner from a third person. Whileyou may experience unhealthy jealousy in relationships that are not romantic innature, in this chapter I focus on unhealthy jealousy within the context of romanticrelationships since it is the most common form of jealousy and it brings out quitevividly how your mind works in this emotional problem.

A threat is posed by the uncertainty you face concerning your partner's whereabouts,behaviour, thoughts and feelings in the context of the ®rst threat.

Some clients may not resonate to the above schema and, in thesecases, you should encourage them to put it aside and just focus onwhat they tend to feel unhealthily jealous about. RECBT theoryvalues ¯exibility and this includes the freedom not to use RECBTterms, schemes and frameworks.

Irrational beliefs

As I explained in Chapter 1, according to RECBT, inferences on their owndo not account for emotional problems. It is possible, therefore, for you tomake the same inferences as listed above and feel healthy jealousy and notunhealthy jealousy.1 In order for you to feel unhealthy jealousy, you have tohold an irrational belief. When you think irrationally, you hold a rigid beliefand one or more extreme beliefs. While the rigid belief is at the core ofunhealthy jealousy, the extreme beliefs that are derived from the rigid beliefoften distinguish between where you depreciate yourself (usually when youcompare yourself to your `rival' or if you were to lose your partner) andwhere you ®nd the uncertainty of not knowing key aspects to do with yourpartner intolerable. In chronic unhealthy jealousy, you often hold both athreat related self-depreciation belief and an uncertainty related discomfortintolerance belief in a given situation.

If your clients are unsure about the mediating role that irrationalbeliefs play in their unhealthy jealousy, ask them how they wouldfeel if they really believed the rational alternatives to what RECBTholds are their unhealthy jealousy creating irrational beliefs. In

1 As I have mentioned before, we don't have agreed terms for healthy negativeemotions. Therefore, if you don't resonate with the term `healthy jealousy', use a termthat makes more sense to you.


using this strategy, it is important that you formulate the rationalbeliefs for your clients who cannot be expected to do this forthemselves at this stage. When you do this, ensure that you matchtheir rigid belief with a ¯exible alternative and their main extremebelief with a non-extreme alternative, and then ask them how theywould feel if they had strong conviction in this rational belief.

For example: `Let me outline two sets of beliefs about beinguncertain that your partner is cheating on you, and you tell mewhich leads to unhealthy jealousy and which leads to healthyjealousy. The ®rst set of beliefs is as follows: ``I must know forcertain that my partner is not cheating on me and I can't bear notknowing this.'' The second set of beliefs is as follows: ``I reallywould like to know for certain that my partner is not cheating onme, but I don't need such certainty. I can bear not knowing this,although it is tough not to have certainty.'' Now which set ofbeliefs would lead to unhealthy jealousy and which would lead tohealthy jealousy?'

Be aware that this question often leads to a lengthy discussionof the behavioural and thinking correlates of the two forms ofjealousy (which I outline later in the Client's Guide) and youshould be prepared to help your clients list these and see thedifferences between the two. Once your clients can see that theirirrational beliefs underpin unhealthy jealousy and their rationalbeliefs underpin healthy jealousy, they have understood themediating role of beliefs.


1. It addresses your clients' doubts about the mediating role of irrational beliefsin unhealthy jealousy if they have such concern.



Behaviour associated with unhealthy jealousy

When you hold an irrational belief about a threat that you think is posed bysomeone else to your relationship and by the uncertainty involved in this

209Dealing with unhealthy jealousy

threat, you will act or tend to act in a number of ways, the most common ofwhich are as follows:

You seek constant reassurance that you are loved.

You monitor the actions and feelings of your partner.

You search for evidence that your partner is involved with someone else.

You attempt to restrict the movements or activities of your partner.

You set tests which your partner has to pass.

You retaliate for your partner's presumed in®delity.

You sulk.

If you ask your clients whether they want to change their unhealthyjealousy related behaviour, their response will be affected bywhether or not they are in an unhealthily jealous frame of mind.If they are, they are less likely to see that this behaviour is dys-functional than when they are not unhealthily jealous. If theyare feeling unhealthily jealous, it is useful to encourage them toimagine that they are advising a friend who displays the sameunhealthily jealousy based behaviour as they do. What would theysay to their friend about the functionality or dysfunctionalityof such behaviour? They are more likely to see that their ownunhealthy jealousy based behaviour is dysfunctional after theyhave told their `friend' that the same behaviour is dysfunctional.

Thinking associated with unhealthy jealousy

When you hold an irrational belief about a threat that you think is posed bysomeone else to your relationship, and you face uncertainty concerningyour partner's whereabouts, behaviour or thinking, you will tend to thinkin a number of ways. Remember what I said in Chapter 1: the thinking thataccompanies your unhealthy jealousy is the result of your inference beingprocessed by your irrational belief and therefore it is likely to contain anumber of thinking errors that I present in Appendix 1. I list the mainfeatures of this post±irrational belief unhealthy jealousy based thinkingbelow:

You exaggerate any threat to your relationship that does exist.

You think the loss of your relationship is imminent.


You misconstrue your partner's ordinary conversations with relevant others ashaving romantic or sexual connotations.

You construct visual images of your partner's in®delity.

If your partner admits to ®nding another person attractive, you think that your partner®nds that person more attractive than you and that your partner will leave you for thisother person.

As you can see, such thinking exaggerates the negative consequences ofthe perceived threat to your relationship. Such thinking may be in words orin mental images.

One of the main features of post-irrational belief thinking is thatit is compelling. As such, it is quite easy for your clients to getcaught up in this way of thinking and think that it re¯ects reality.This is an example of `cognitive-emotive' reasoning: if a thought isplausible and emotionally compelling, therefore it must be true. Itis important that you help your clients to understand how theirmind works with respect to the thinking consequences of irrationalbeliefs and to encourage them to use such thoughts to go back toaddress the irrational beliefs that spawn them. When they havedone this, you can encourage them to respond to these thinkingconsequences of irrational beliefs as they will not disappear justbecause they have questioned these beliefs. When they respond tothese thinking consequences of iBs, they need to do so only a fewtimes on any one occasion. After that, they need to accept thepresence of such thinking without engaging with it.









HOW TO DEAL WITH UNHEALTHY JEALOUSY

If you are prone to unhealthy jealousy, you tend to experience this emo-tional problem in a variety of different settings and in response to a varietyof situations where you think someone poses a threat to your relationship.Here is how to deal with unhealthy jealousy so that you become less proneto it.

Step 1: Identify reasons why unhealthy jealousy is aproblem for you and why you want to change

While unhealthy jealousy is generally regarded as an emotional problem, itis useful for you to spell out reasons why unhealthy jealousy is a problemfor you and why you want to change. I suggest that you keep a written list ofthese reasons and refer to it as needed as a reminder of why you areengaged in a self-help programme. I discuss the healthy alternative tounhealthy jealousy in Step 4.

Some people who feel unhealthily jealous think that it is anappropriate response to situations where they think that otherspose a threat to their relationship and where they are not certainthat this is the case.

In these circumstances, it is important to introduce the idea offeeling healthily jealous as the healthy alternative to unhealthyjealousy a little earlier than you would normally do (see Step 4).When you have done so, you can then carry out a cost-bene®tanalysis of unhealthy jealousy and its constructive alternative,healthy jealousy. This involves helping your clients to spell out theperceived advantages and disadvantages of both emotions.Respond to any perceived advantages of unhealthy jealousy andperceived disadvantages of unhealthy jealousy, correcting anymisconceptions that your clients reveal on these issues.

For example, imagine that your clients think that feelingunhealthy jealousy is a sign to their partner and to others thatthey love their partner very deeply and that healthy jealousy doesnot communicate the depths of their loving feelings. In this case,help your clients to see that they can love their partner deeplywithout being unhealthily jealous and that rather than being asign of deep love, unhealthy jealousy is a sign of deep disturbance.Also, demonstrations of unhealthy jealousy after a while tend to


alienate the partner, which is not the case with expressions ofhealthy jealousy.

Step 2: Take responsibility for your unhealthyjealousy

In RECBT, we argue that people do not make you unhealthily jealous; ratheryou create these feelings by the rigid and extreme beliefs that you holdabout what such people do or do not do. You may object that this viewcondones other people's behaviour, but this objection is based on amisconception. You can take responsibility for creating your unhealthyjealousy and still not condone others' behaviour when it is clear that theyhave posed a threat to your relationship.

You may object that this view involves you blaming yourself for creatingyour feelings, but this objection is also based on a misconception. Itassumes that taking responsibility for creating your unhealthy jealousyis synonymous with self-blame. In truth, responsibility means that youtake ownership for the irrational beliefs that underpin your unhealthyjealousy while accepting yourself for doing so. Blame, on the other hand,means that you regard yourself as being bad for creating your ownunhealthy jealousy.

The idea that emotional problems (including unhealthy jealousy)are based largely on the way that a person thinks about whathappens to them is, as you know, a central plank in RECBT. How-ever, for many clients it will be a new idea. Thus, your clients mayhold that the reason they are unhealthily jealous is that theirpartner seems interested in other men or women. This is anexample of `A-C' thinking where `A' is the client's partner appear-ing to be interested in other men or women and `C' is the emotionof unhealthy jealousy. Rather, we argue that the reason that theperson experiences unhealthy jealousy is largely due to the factthat they hold a set of irrational beliefs about this actual orperceived threat to their relationship. If they held a set of rationalbeliefs about the threat, they would experience healthy jealousyrather than unhealthy jealousy.

If your clients continue to have dif®culty accepting responsibilityfor their unhealthy jealousy, it is important for you to identify thesource of this dif®culty. Here are two common obstacles and howto respond to them:


The double penalty: this obstacle is expressed like this: `If I accept respon-sibility for my feelings of unhealthy jealousy, it is as if I am being punishedtwice. First, my partner is threatening our relationship, and second, I am beingtold that I am responsible for these feelings. This lets the other person off thehook.' If your clients hold to this view, help them to see that while they may bebeing penalised by their partner threatening their relationship (and rememberthat in RECBT, we assume that this inference is true until investigating thismuch later in the process) they are actually penalising themselves by makingthemselves feel unhealthily jealous. Show your clients that you want to sparethem this second penalty by helping them to experience a healthy negativeemotion (healthy jealousy) rather than an unhealthy negative emotion(unhealthy jealousy).

Taking responsibility for unhealthy jealousy means admitting a weakness:here the block is the irrational belief that your clients hold about having and/or admitting having a weakness (e.g. `I cannot take responsibility for myunhealthy jealousy because it means admitting that I have a weakness that Imust not have or must not admit to publicly'). If your clients hold to thisposition, help them to understand that having a weakness is quintessentiallyhuman and does not mean that they are defective. Rather it means that theyare fallible human beings with strengths and weaknesses.


Step 3: Identify themes about which you tend to feelunhealthy jealousy

The best way of identifying what you tend to feel unhealthy jealousy aboutis to understand the major themes associated with unhealthy jealousy andhow this theme is manifest with respect to your personal domain. As Ioutlined, one major theme in unhealthy jealousy is when you perceive a riskposed by a third person to your relationship. Such threat might be manifestin the following ways:

You think that your partner will leave you.

You think that you are not the most important person in your partner's life.Here you think that your partner ®nds the another person more attractive than youand that you will be displaced as the most important person in your partner's life(even though you don't think that your partner will go off with the other person).


You think that you are not your partner's one and only.Here, it is important to you that your partner is interested only in you and that yourpartner's interest in another person means that you are no longer his or her one andonly.

You think that someone is showing an interest in your partner.Here, it is important to you that no one (who has the potential to be a love rival)shows an interest in your partner so when someone does you deem this to be athreat.

The second major inference theme in your unhealthy jealousy concerns thethreat posed by the uncertainty you face concerning your partner's where-abouts, behaviour or thinking in the context of the ®rst threat.

If your clients ®nd it dif®cult to ®nd their unhealthy jealousyrelated theme, you can help them by assessing a few speci®cexamples of their unhealthy jealousy. Have them focus on aspeci®c situation in which they felt unhealthily jealous and askthem what they were most unhealthily jealous about. If they still®nd it dif®cult to identify the theme in this or other speci®csituations, use the `magic question' technique. This involves youdoing the following:

Have your clients focus on the situation in which they felt unhealthily jealous.

Ask them to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantlyreduce their feelings of unhealthy jealousy without changing the situation.


Bill was ®nding it dif®cult to pinpoint the speci®c theme with respect to hisfeelings of unhealthy jealousy about his girlfriend's friendliness to othermen. Bill used the `magic question' technique as follows:

Bill focused on the situation in which he felt unhealthily jealous:`My girlfriend is being friendly to other men.'

He nominated one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantly reducehis unhealthy jealousy without changing the situation:`Knowing that I am number one in my girlfriend's affections.'

The opposite of this nominated ingredient was what he is most unhealthilyjealous about:`Not knowing that I am number one in my girlfriend's affections.'

If you assess a number of speci®c examples of your clients'unhealthy jealousy in this way, the relevant unhealthy jealousy


related theme should be apparent. In Bill's case, it was beingunsure that he was the most important person in his girlfriend'slife.

It may be that there are two unhealthy jealousy related themespresent in your client's unhealthy jealousy. For example, yourclient may feel unhealthily jealous about being second best andabout not knowing what their partner is doing at any given time.If this is the case, deal with them one at a time and have yourclient nominate the theme which they want to focus on ®rst.

Step 4: Identify the three components of yourunhealthy jealousy response and set goals withrespect to each component

The next step is for you to list the three elements of your unhealthy jealousyresponse in the face of each of the relevant themes listed above.

Identify the three components of your unhealthy jealousyresponse

I use the term `unhealthy jealousy response' to describe the three maincomponents that make up this response. The three components of yourunhealthy jealousy response are the emotional, behavioural and thinkingcompenents.

Emotional component

The emotional component here is, of course, unhealthy jealousy.


The behavioural component concerns overt behaviour or action tendenciesthat you engage in or `feel like' engaging in when you feel unhealthyjealousy. Consult the list that I provided to help you identify your behaviourassociated with each relevant theme when you feel unhealthy jealousy (seep. 210).


Thinking component

The thinking component associated with unhealthy jealousy is listed onpp. 210±211. Again these may be in words or in mental pictures. Consultthis list if necessary.


You need to set goals so that you know what you are striving for when youdeal effectively with unhealthy jealousy. The three goals are emotional,behavioural and thinking goals.

Emotional goal

Your emotional goal is healthy jealousy rather than unhealthy jealousy (orwhatever synonym you prefer to the term `healthy jealousy'). Healthy jeal-ousy is a healthy negative emotion, which is an appropriate response to thethreat that you think is being posed to your relationship by a third personand to the threat of uncertainty related to your partner in the context of the®rst threat. It helps you to think objectively about the situation and yourresponse to it and helps you to move on with your life rather than get stuckor bogged down.

The idea that healthy jealousy is the healthy alternative tounhealthy jealousy when there is a perceived threat to your clients'relationship with their partner and when your clients are in astate of uncertainty about salient aspects of their thoughts, feel-ings, behaviour and whereabouts is based on the following idea.These adversities are negative and therefore it is realistic to have anegative emotion about them. The choice, therefore, is between anunhealthy negative emotion (unhealthy jealousy) or a healthynegative emotion (healthy jealousy). However, what if your clientsspecify unrealistic goals? Here are a number of such goals and howto respond to clients who nominate them:

`I don't want to feel unhealthily jealous.'Show your clients that they have indicated what they do not want to feel in theface of a perceived threat to their relationship with their partner and whenthey are in a state of uncertainty about salient aspects of their partner'sthoughts, feelings, behaviour and whereabouts. Your clients need to specifyhow they do want to feel instead of unhealthy jealousy.


`I want to feel less unhealthily jealous.'Show your clients that as unhealthy jealousy is a disturbed emotion, wantingto feel less unhealthily jealous is still to nominate a disturbed emotion, albeitof lesser intensity. Show your clients that healthy jealousy can be strong andhealthy.

`I don't want to feel anything.'Not feeling anything in the face of a perceived threat to your clients' rela-tionship with their partner and when they are in a state of uncertainty aboutsalient aspects of their thoughts, feelings, behaviour and whereabouts will nothelp your clients to be appropriately geared up to deal with these situations.Help them to see this. Also show them that the only way that they could achievea state of not feeling anything is to feel completely indifferent about a per-ceived threat to their relationship with their partner and about being in a stateof uncertainty about salient aspects of their partner's thoughts, feelings,behaviour and whereabouts. This can be achieved only if your clients lie tothemselves. Show them this and discourage them from setting such a goal.

Behavioural goal

Your behavioural goal should re¯ect actions that are based on healthyjealousy rather than unhealthy jealousy. The following are the mostcommon behaviours associated with healthy jealousy. You may wish tocompare these behaviours with those associated with unhealthy jealousythat I presented on p. 210.

You allow your partner to initiate expressing love for you without prompting him orher or seeking reassurance once your partner has done so.

You allow your partner freedom without monitoring his or her feelings, actions andwhereabouts.

You allow your partner to show natural sexual interest in others without setting tests.

It is important that your clients understand that as they strive todevelop healthy behavioural responses to actual or perceivedthreats to their relationship or being in a state of uncertaintyabout salient aspects of their partner's behaviour, feeling, thoughtsand whereabouts, they will still feel the urge to act in ways that aredysfunctional, as listed on p. 210. Help them to understand thereason for this. Explain to them that as they question their beliefsand commit themselves to strengthening their conviction in theirrational beliefs and to weakening their conviction in theirirrational beliefs, their irrational beliefs will still be active andproducing urges for them to act dysfunctionally. Encourage your


clients to accept these urges, to recognise that they do not have toact on them and to use them as cues to act in functional ways.

Thinking goal

As well as setting behavioural goals related to the feeling of healthyjealousy about a threat posed by a third person to your relationship, it isimportant that you set thinking goals associated with this emotion. Thefollowing are the most common forms of thinking associated with healthyjealousy rather than unhealthy jealousy. Again you may wish to comparethese forms of thinking with those associated with unhealthy jealousy that Ipresented on pp. 210±211.

You tend not to exaggerate any threat to your relationship that does exist.

You do not misconstrue ordinary conversations between your partner and anotherman or woman.

You do not construct visual images of your partner's in®delity.

You accept that your partner will ®nd others attractive but you do not see this as athreat.

As the above list shows, the dominant feature of thinking associated withhealthy jealousy is that it is realistic and balanced. Please remember thatsuch thinking may be in words or in mental pictures.






Step 5: Recognise that your symptoms of unhealthyjealousy are evidence of disturbance and notnecessarily of the existence of threat to yourrelationship

Once you have identi®ed your unhealthily jealous response and its healthyalternative, it is important that you realise one important point. If you feeljealous a lot, your feelings and the thoughts that accompany them are mostlikely to be evidence that you have a jealousy problem rather than proof thatthere truly exists a threat to your relationship.

When you think that there is a threat to your relationship because youhave jealous feelings and jealous thoughts, you are succumbing to twothinking errors known as emotional reasoning and cognitive reasoning. Inemotional reasoning, you assume that because you feel jealous, yourrelationship is under threat. In cognitive reasoning, you think that yourjealous thoughts are proof that again your relationship is under threat (e.g.`Because I think that my partner would much prefer to be with the womanhe is talking to rather than with me, then he would, in reality, rather have arelationship with her than me').

If your unhealthy jealousy is chronic, when you have jealous feelings andthoughts, your task is to remind yourself that these are, in all probability,signs that you are thinking irrationally and that you need to identify anddeal with the irrational beliefs that underpin your unhealthy jealousyresponse rather than to act on them. You may well ®nd this dif®cult,because when you have jealous feelings and thoughts, you will alsoexperience an urge to act on them. Refraining from doing so will go againstthe grain and will thus be uncomfortable, but if you do so you will putyourself in the position of dealing effectively with your unhealthy jealousy.If you don't, you will maintain this emotional problem.


A general irrational belief leading to your unhealthy jealousy response is anirrational belief that you hold across situations de®ned by one of thefollowing two themes:


The threat posed by a third person to your relationship:

You think that your partner will leave you.You think that you are not the most important person in your partner's life.You think that you are not your partner's one and only.You think that someone is showing an interest in your partner.

The threat posed by the uncertainty you face concerning your partner's whereabouts,behaviour or thinking in the context of the ®rst threat.

Its rational alternative, which will also be general in nature, will account foryour healthy jealousy response.


When you identify a general irrational belief, you take a common unhealthyjealousy related theme (see above) and add to this a general rigid belief andthe main extreme belief that is derived from the rigid belief. In unhealthyjealousy, your main extreme belief will be either a discomfort intolerancebelief or a self-depreciation belief.

Here is an example of an irrational belief related to each theme inunhealthy jealousy:

`Third person threat' unhealthy jealousy:`My partner must not ®nd any other person attractive. If they do then it proves that Iam unlovable.'

Ùncertainty threat' unhealthy jealousy:Ì must know what my partner is thinking when we are in the company of attractivepeople and I can't bear not knowing.'


When you identify your alternative general rational belief, you take the samecommon theme (e.g. the threat posed by a third person to your relationshipand the threat posed by the uncertainty you face concerning your partner'swhereabouts, behaviour or thinking in the context of the ®rst threat) andadd to this a general ¯exible belief and a general discomfort tolerance beliefor a general unconditional self-acceptance belief. For example:

`Third person threat' healthy jealousy:Ì don't want my partner to ®nd any other person attractive, but that does not meanthat they must not do so. If they do then it is unfortunate, but it does not prove that Iam unlovable. I can accept myself as a fallible, unrateable human being whose worthis not changed by my partner ®nding another person attractive.'


`Uncertainty threat' healthy jealousy:`I would like to know what my partner is thinking when we are in the company ofattractive people, but I don't have to know this. It's a struggle not knowing, but I canbear not knowing and it is worth it to me to do so.'


The reason I have chosen to go `general' rather than `speci®c'when helping readers to deal with their emotional problems is apragmatic one. In this book, I aim to help people to deal witha range of emotional problems and therefore, in my view, it is bestto give readers general guidance with respect to dealing with thisrange of problems and then help them to move from the general tothe speci®c rather than vice versa. My considered view was that Ijust do not have the space to help readers focus on speci®cexamples of their emotional problems and then generalise fromthis speci®c level.

Consequently, one way that you can help your clients who areusing the Client's Guide is to help them to work with speci®cexamples of their emotional problem, in this case unhealthyjealousy. Use the following sequence as you do so and help yourclients to

select a speci®c example of their unhealthy jealousy problem

express why their unhealthy jealousy constitutes a problem for them

identify what they felt most unhealthily jealous about in the situation

identify the three speci®c components of their unhealthily jealous response andset speci®c goals with respect to each component



In helping your clients to deal with a speci®c example of theirunhealthy jealousy, you can teach them how to use RECBT's ABCDform, which appears in Appendix 6.



face up to what they are most jealous about in imagery (if necessary)













Next, take your general extreme belief and its general non-extreme beliefalternative and again write them down next to one another on a sheet ofpaper. Then, ask yourself the same three questions that you used with yourgeneral rigid belief and its general ¯exible belief alternative. Again writedown your answer to each of these questions on your piece of paper, giving


reasons for each answer. I suggest that you consult Appendix 3 (for helpwith questioning awfulising beliefs and non-awfulising beliefs), Appendix 4(for help with questioning discomfort intolerance beliefs and discomforttolerance beliefs) and Appendix 5 (for help with questioning depreciationbeliefs and unconditional acceptance beliefs). Again, you need to adaptand apply these arguments to the beliefs you are questioning.









Rigid belief



Flexible belief


Main extreme belief




And also:

Rigid belief

empirical status

Flexible belief

empirical status

Rigid belief

logical status

Flexible belief

logical status

Rigid belief

pragmatic status

Flexible belief

pragmatic status

Main extreme belief

empirical status


empirical status

Main extreme belief

logical status


logical status


Main extreme belief

pragmatic status


pragmatic status.


Step 8: Face your unhealthy jealousy related theme inimagery

I hope that you have made a commitment to act on your general rationalbeliefs (i.e. ¯exible belief and unconditional self-acceptance belief ).Assuming that you have, your basic task is for you to face up to threatsposed to your relationship with your partner from another person and touncertainty about the whereabouts, behaviour, thoughts and feelings ofyour partner and to learn to think rationally about it.

Up to this point you have worked at a general level with respect to yourunhealthy jealousy related theme, dealing with the general irrational beliefsthat account for your unhealthy jealousy and developing your alternativegeneral rational beliefs. However, when you come to apply your generalrational beliefs in dealing with threats posed to your relationship with yourpartner from another person and to uncertainty about the whereabouts,behaviour, thoughts and feelings of your partner, you need to bear in mindone important point. Since you make yourself unhealthily jealous aboutspeci®c instances of this threat (actual or imagined) and related uncer-tainty, you need to deal with these by rehearsing speci®c variants of yourgeneral rational beliefs.

While the best way to do this is in speci®c threat and uncertainty relatedsituations, you may derive bene®t by using imagery ®rst. If this is the case,you need to do the following:

Imagine a speci®c situation in which you felt or may feel unhealthily jealous about athreat being posed to your relationship with your partner from another person orrelated to uncertainty about the whereabouts, behaviour, thoughts and feelings of


your partner and focus, in your mind's eye, on what you felt most unhealthily jealousabout (i.e. your À').

Focus on this À' while rehearsing a speci®c rational belief relevant to the situation.As you do this, try to make yourself feel healthily jealous, rather than unhealthilyjealous.

Then see yourself acting in ways consistent with your rational belief, e.g. expressingyour concern to your partner and listening with an open mind to what he or she hasto say in response.



If you ®nd that facing your unhealthily jealousy related À', in your mind'seye, is too much for you, use the `challenging, but not overwhelming'principle. This means that instead of imagining yourself facing a threat toyour relationship or an instance of uncertainty about your partner's where-abouts that you ®nd òverwhelming' at the present time, choose a similarunhealthy jealousy related À' that you would ®nd `challenging, but notoverwhelming'. Then employ the same steps that I have outlined above.Work in this way with modi®ed unhealthy jealousy related À's' until you®nd your original one `challenging, but not overwhelming' and then use thesteps again.

Some of your clients may say that they can't get very clear imageswhen they try to picture events in their mind's eye. While they mayget more out of imagery techniques if they can get such clear images,they will still get something out of facing threats posed to theirrelationship with their partner from another person and to uncer-tainty about the whereabouts, behaviour, thoughts and feelings oftheir partner in imagery if they don't. So, if clients want to face theirparticular adversity in imagery before they do so in reality, encour-age them to do so no matter how clear their mental images are.

Step 9: Act in ways that are consistent with yourgeneral rational belief

As I mentioned earlier, when you experience the emotional problem ofunhealthy jealousy and the thoughts that accompany it, you will also


experience a strong urge to act on them. If you do, you will serve only tostrengthen the irrational beliefs that underpin such behaviour. So after youhave questioned your irrational and rational beliefs in the way I suggestedabove and committed yourself to strengthening your conviction in yourrational beliefs, it is very important that you act in ways that will do this andto refrain from acting in ways that will do the opposite.

This is perhaps the most important principle involved in dealingeffectively with unhealthy jealousy. I have seen many people in my practicewho have had ineffective therapy where the focus was on helping them toidentify the childhood roots of these feelings. I am not against this practice,but the reason such therapy often fails is that while the person is engagedin such an exploration they are acting, in the present, in ways that stemfrom their irrational beliefs and serve only to reinforce these beliefs.

So, it is crucial that you act according to the behavioural goals that youidenti®ed in Step 4 and accept that while you do so, you will still have theurge to act and think in unhealthy ways. Accept that this is an almostinevitable and natural part of the change process and that these unhealthyurges and thoughts will eventually subside if you do not engage with them.I stress that this is dif®cult, but if you are clear about what you need to doand act accordingly, you will stack the odds in favour of, rather thanagainst, dealing effectively with your unhealthy jealousy.

You may ®nd that your clients report various obstacles to facingsituations about which they have felt unhealthily jealous whileacting in ways that are consistent with their general rationalbeliefs. I list here some of the major obstacles and suggest ways ofaddressing them with your clients.

Ìf I face jealousy related situations, I will become too upset.'Here, your client may have a discomfort intolerance belief about feeling upset.This is evidenced in the phrase Ì will become too upset'. Help your client to seethat if they do become upset, they can tolerate this and still act in ways thatare consistent with their rational beliefs.

Ìf I face jealousy related situations, I will ®nd the urge to act dysfunctionallytoo tempting.'Here your client considers that the urge to act in ways that have previouslymaintained their unhealthy jealousy may be too powerful for them to resist.Consequently, your client is reluctant to face jealousy related situations whilerehearsing their developing rational beliefs and acting constructively. Helpyour client to develop a greater sense of control over their urges by allowingthem to be there and showing themselves that they do not have to act on suchurges


`I don't feel comfortable facing jealousy related situations.'Help your client to see that if they wait until they are comfortable beforefacing jealousy related situations, they will wait a very long time. Show yourclient that if they are comfortable about facing such situations, it is likely thatthey are not unhealthily jealous about them. Consequently, it is importantthat you help your client realise that they are bound to be uncomfortableabout facing a jealousy related situation even after they have disputed theirunhealthy jealousy creating irrational beliefs. Show them that they cantolerate this discomfort and that it is worth it to them to do so.


When you have faced a situation in which you experienced unhealthyjealousy and dealt with it as best you could, it is important that you re¯ecton what you did and what you learned. In particular, if you were able to facethe situation, rehearse your speci®c rational beliefs until you felt sorrow,ask yourself how you can capitalise on what you achieved. If youexperienced any problems, respond to the following questions:





Re¯ect on your experience and put into practice what you learned the nexttime you face a situation in which someone poses a threat to yourrelationship or where a threat is posed to you by uncertainty concerningyour partner's whereabouts, behaviour or thinking in the context of the ®rstthreat.



Once you have dealt with your unhealthy jealousy in a speci®c situation byholding the relevant speci®c version of your general rational belief and byacting and thinking in ways that are consistent with it, you can generalisethis learning to situations de®ned by your unhealthy jealousy based theme.


Donald was particularly prone to unhealthy jealousy about women he was goingout with. Thus:

Donald assessed the three components of his unhealthy jealousy responseand set goals with respect to all three components.

He identi®ed his relevant general irrational beliefs regarding what he saw asthreats to his relationship with his current girlfriend (i.e. Ì must be the onlyperson that my girlfriend is attracted to and if I'm not I am less worthy than myrival') and uncertainty about her whereabouts (Ì must know where mygirlfriend is and what she is doing at all times and I can't bear not knowingthis') that underpinned his unhealthy jealousy response. He then identi®ed hisalternative general rational beliefs about the third person threat (i.e. Ì wouldlike to be the only person that my girlfriend is attracted to, but I don't have tobe. If I'm not, I am not less worthy than my rival. I am equal in worth to him')and the uncertainty threat (i.e. Ì would like to know where my girlfriend is andwhat she is doing at all times, but I do not need to know this. I can bear notknowing this even though it is dif®cult and it is worth it to me to do so') thatunderpinned his healthy jealousy response.

He questioned both elements of his general irrational beliefs and his generalrational beliefs until he clearly saw that the former were false, made no senseand were detrimental to her and that the latter were true, sensible and healthy.

He acted on shortened versions of his rational beliefs in speci®c situationsand did not keep checking on his girlfriend, either when she was talking toother men or when he did not know where she was or what she was doing.Instead he acted as if he trusted her to be faithful to him, even though shemight ®nd other men attractive. However, he did disclose his feelings ofdispleasure towards her if it was clear that she was being overly ¯irtatioustowards other men at social gatherings.

As he acted on his rational beliefs, he tolerated the discomfort that she feltand accepted that some of his distorted and skewed negative thinking wouldstill be in his mind as she did so. He let such thinking be without engagingwith it, suppressing it or distracting himself from it.

As this section shows, you can generalise what you learn about dealingwith unhealthy jealousy from situation to situation as de®ned by yourunhealthy jealousy based inference.

USING RECBT'S ABCD FORM TO DEAL WITHSPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF YOUR UNHEALTHYJEALOUSY

This chapter is mainly geared to help you deal with your unhealthy jealousyin general terms. However, you can also use this material to addressspeci®c examples of your unhealthy jealousy. I have developed a self-help


form to provide the structure to assist you in this regard. It is called theABCD form and it appears with instructions in Appendix 6.


OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES IN DEALING WITHUNHEALTHY JEALOUSY

In the above section, I outlined an eleven step programme to deal withunhealthy jealousy. In this section, I discuss some other important issuesthat may be relevant to you in your work to become less prone to thisemotional problem. If you want to, you can incorporate them as additionalsteps in the above step-by-step guide at points relevant to you.

Dealing with your safety-seeking measures to avoidunhealthy jealousy

I mentioned in Chapter 2 that people use safety-seeking measures toprotect themselves from threat. You may use similar measures to protectyourself from feeling unhealthy jealousy. Here is how this works from yourperspective. You reason that since you feel unhealthy jealousy about `thirdperson' and `uncertainty' threats to your relationship with your partner, youwill take steps to avoid unhealthy jealousy. This involves you ensuring thatyour partner does not interact with potential rivals and that you know whereyour partner is and what he or she is doing.

However, this stance and the reasoning that leads you to take it are¯awed and will serve only to perpetuate your tendency to feel unhealthyjealousy. This is due to the fact that your unhealthy jealousy is not basedon `third person' and `uncertainty' threats to your relationship, but on yourirrational beliefs about such threats. So, if you want to deal effectively withunhealthy jealousy, you need to do the following.

Do not attempt to prevent your partner from interacting with potential rivals.

Do not keep tabs on your partner. Allow your partner to do what he or she wantswithout you knowing exactly where your partner is, what he or she is doing and withwhom he or she is interacting.

If you actually face threats to your relationship as a result, deal with these by bringingto such situations appropriate speci®c versions of your general rational beliefs so


that you feel healthily jealous and not unhealthy jealousy about these episodes. Also,act and think in ways that are consistent with these speci®c rational beliefs as far asyou can.

It is one of the major themes of both the Client's Guide and thisPractitioner's Guide that when your clients come to change theirbehaviour from dysfunctional to functional, they will still experi-ence urges to act dysfunctionally. This is why it is so important tohelp your clients understand the difference between overt actionsand action tendencies. In the present context, this means stressingto your clients as they strive to act in ways that address theirunhealthily jealous feelings constructively and thus desist fromusing unhealthy jealousy related safety-seeking strategies, they willstill feel the urge to use them. Help them to develop ways of accept-ing, but not necessarily liking such urges and to implement theirhealthy jealousy based behaviour, even though such aforemen-tioned behaviour may be present for some time. You may have tohelp certain clients identify and respond to irrational beliefs suchas: `If I feel the urge to do something to get rid of my unhealthilyjealous feelings quickly, then I have to act on that urge'. Developingand strengthening rational beliefs about such urges is particularlyimportant for these clients.

Why you feel unhealthy jealousy much of the timeand how to deal with this

If you are particularly prone to unhealthy jealousy, you hold the followingbelief, which I call a `chronic unhealthy jealousy based general irrationalbelief':

`I must know for sure that my relationship is not under threat and I can't stand notknowing this. If I don't have such certainty, then my relationship is under threat and Iwill lose my partner because I am not good enough to hold any partner in the face ofsuch threat.'

As you can see, this belief has a number of elements:

It relates to the threat of uncertainty and you ®nding not knowing intolerable.

It relates to the threat to your relationship and the self-depreciation belief youimplicitly hold.



You will assume that uncertainty means that your relationship is under threat. Thus,you will see threat in ordinary exchanges between your partner and others wherenone objectively exists.

You will think that you will lose out to any rival because they have more to offer yourpartner than you do.

You will focus on past relationships where you thought your partner was unfaithfulto you.

You will scan your current relationship hoping not to ®nd, but certain that you will®nd evidence that your partner is interested in someone else and is making plans toleave you. If there is any ambiguity about this, you err on the side of threat to and lossof your relationship.

You will employ all the thinking and behavioural strategies that you use to keepyourself safe from threat. This serves only to strengthen your conviction that you areunder threat.

How to deal with chronic unhealthy jealousy

In order to deal with this chronic sense of unhealthy jealousy, you need todevelop and apply an alternative general rational belief which protects youfrom such unhealthy jealousy.

`I would like to know for sure that my relationship is not under threat, but although itis a struggle, I can stand not knowing this and it is worth it to me to do so. If I don'thave such certainty, it does not follow that my relationship is under threat, unlessthere is objective evidence that it is. If there is such a threat then it not does followthat I will lose my partner. I am fallible and good enough to hold any partner in theface of such threat.'

When you hold this belief and there exists objective evidence that yourrelationship is under threat, you will feel healthy jealousy rather thanunhealthy jealousy because you will be processing this with a speci®crational belief.

In addition, this belief will help you to

revisit your past and see that past partners were more trustworthy than you thoughtat the time

see that your current partner is more trustworthy than you think when you hold yourset of speci®c and general irrational beliefs

see that any future partners will be trustworthy unless you ®nd objective evidence tothe contrary.


If your clients ®nd that the above explanation is too complex, youcan help them to see that holding rigid beliefs about the presenceor absence of unhealthy jealousy related threats means that unlessthey are clear that these threats do not exist, then they assume thatthey are present. When your clients' beliefs are ¯exible then theycan be more objective about the presence of these adversities.

How to examine the accuracy of your unhealthy jealousyrelated inference if necessary

If you are still unsure that a threat exists to your relationship or not, answerone or more of the following questions:

How valid is my inference that there is a threat to my relationship?

Would an objective jury agree that there is a threat to my relationship? If not, whatwould the jury's verdict be?

Is my inference that there is a threat to my relationship realistic? If not, what is amore realistic inference?

If I asked someone whom I could trust to give me an objective opinion about myinference that there is a threat to my relationship, what would that person say to meand why? What inference would this person encourage me to make instead?

If a friend had told me that they had made the same inference about them facing athreat to their relationship, what would I say to this friend about the validity of theirinference and why? What inference would I encourage this friend to make instead?

Assessing and dealing with emotional problemsabout unhealthy jealousy

In previous chapters, I discussed the concept of meta-disturbance (literallydisturbance about disturbance). It is important to assess carefully thenature of this meta-disturbance about unhealthy jealousy before you canbest deal with it.

The best way to start dealing with the assessment of any emotionalproblems you might have about unhealthy jealousy is to ask yourself thequestion: `How do I feel about my feeling of unhealthy jealousy?' The mostcommon emotional problems that people have about unhealthy jealousy areas follows: anxiety, depression, shame and unhealthy self-anger. I refer youto the relevant chapters on these emotional problems in this book for helpon how to deal with meta-emotional problems about unhealthy jealousy.


Your clients will sometimes need to address their emotional prob-lems about unhealthy jealousy before they address their unhealthyjealousy. They need to do this particularly when their secondaryemotional problem gets in the way of them dealing with theirprimary unhealthy jealousy. However, despite the interferingpresence of their secondary problem, some clients still want totarget their primary jealousy. There are two ways of dealing withthis situation:

Provide a rationale to help your clients target their secondary problem. Forexample, explain to your clients that their secondary problem is like having aball and chain around their leg while they are climbing a steep hill (akin totheir primary feelings of unhealthy jealousy). In the same way as climbing thehill is easier when they remove the ball and chain from their leg, dealing withtheir primary unhealthy jealousy is easier when they deal with their secondaryproblem ®rst.

Go along with your clients' wish to deal with their primary unhealthy jealousyand when they fail to do so, help them to understand that the reason why theyfailed is because they had not addressed their secondary problem and thenagree that they will now do so.

Developing and rehearsing a non-unhealthy jealousyworld view

People develop views of the world as it relates to them that make it more orless likely that they will experience unhealthy negative emotions. The worldviews that render you vulnerable to unhealthy jealousy do so in a similarway to the chronic unhealthy jealousy based general irrational belief dis-cussed above (i.e. `I must know for sure that my relationship is not underthreat and I can't stand not knowing this. If I don't have such certainty thenmy relationship is under threat and I will lose my partner because I am notgood enough to hold any partner in the face of such threat') by making youfocus unduly on times when you have, are or will face threats to yourrelationship. However, these unhealthy jealousy based world views havethis effect on you much more widely.

It is important that you develop realistic views of the world that will helpyou to deal with unhealthy jealousy. In Table 8, you will ®nd an illustrative listof such world views rather than an exhaustive one, so you can get an idea ofwhat I mean, which will enable you to develop your own. In Table 8, I ®rstdescribe a world view that renders you vulnerable to unhealthy jealousy and


then I give its healthy alternative. You will see that the former is charac-terised by a conception of your partners as being basically untrustworthyand potential rivals as being basically predatory. In the latter, a more benign,balanced, but realistic picture of others is revealed and thus a healthierresponse to the possible existence of relationship threat can be expected.

If you hold rational beliefs that are consistent with the views of the worldlisted on the right hand side of Table 8 and if you act and think in ways thatare, in turn, consistent with these rational beliefs, then doing all this willhelp you become less prone to unhealthy jealousy.

In Chapter 9, I discuss unhealthy envy and how to deal with it.

Table 8 World views that render you vulnerable to unhealthy jealousy and help you todeal with unhealthy jealousy

Views of the world that render youvulnerable to unhealthy jealousy

Views of the world that help youdeal with unhealthy jealousy

My partners are ultimatelyuntrustworthy

Some of my partners may beuntrustworthy, but most will probablybe trustworthy

My partners will ultimately leave me Some of my partners may leave me, butothers won't. However, I may drive awaypeople in this last group through myjealous behaviour

If I trust someone they will make a foolof me. So I need to always be on myguard

If I trust someone, it is possible that theperson may betray my trust, but it isalso possible that they won't. If they do,they can't make a fool out of me ± only Ican do this with my rigid and self-depreciation beliefs about theirbehaviour

Not knowing what my partner is feeling,thinking and doing is very dangerous

Not knowing what my partner is feeling,thinking and doing is not inherentlydangerous

Every attractive person is my rival Some attractive people may be myrivals, but most won't be

Attractive people are predatory and willseek to displace me in the affections ofmy partner

A few attractive people are predatoryand will seek to displace me in theaffections of my partner, but mostcertainly will not


Dealing with unhealthy envy

In this chapter, I begin by presenting RECBT's way of understandingunhealthy envy and then address how to deal with this emotional problem.

UNDERSTANDING UNHEALTHY ENVY

In understanding unhealthy envy, we need to know what we tend to makeourselves feel unhealthily envious about (i.e. its major inference themes),what beliefs we hold, how we act or tend to act, and how we think when weare unhealthily envious.

I mentioned in previous chapters that it is important that you useyour client's language when referring to emotional problems. Withrespect to the term ùnhealthy envy', you need to be aware thatnot all clients with an ènvy' problem resonate with the termùnhealthy envy'. Indeed, people who have a problem with envymay be quite reluctant to see their ènvy' as a problem, seeing itinstead as a sign of healthy competition. However, even those whodo see their envy as problematic may baulk at using the termùnhealthy envy' as a way of referring to their problem. They mayidentify more closely with terms like `covetousness', `greed' orìnsecurity'. If so, your task is to satisfy yourself and your clientthat these terms represent the unhealthy negative emotion knownin RECBT as unhealthy envy. Once you have done so, use the client'slanguage and write this down in your client's notes.

Major inference theme in unhealthy envy

The major theme in relation to your personal domain which is implicated inunhealthy envy is that someone has something that you prize, but don'thave. In unhealthy envy your focus may be on the object,1 that is you think

9

1 I am using the word òbject' here very broadly to include anything that you prize.

you really want the object for its own sake (I call this object focusedunhealthy envy) or on the person who has the object, i.e. you prize theobject only because the particular person has it (I call this person-focusedunhealthy envy). The common denominator in these different types of envyis that you consider yourself to be in a state of deprivation.

Some clients may not resonate to the above schema and, in thesecases, you should encourage them to put it aside and just focus onwhat they tend to feel unhealthily envious about. RECBT theoryvalues ¯exibility and this includes the freedom not to use RECBTterms, schemes and frameworks.

Irrational beliefs

As I explained in Chapter 1, according to RECBT, inferences on their owndo not account for emotional problems. It is possible, therefore, for you tomake the same inference as listed above and feel healthy envy and notunhealthy envy.2 In order for you to feel unhealthy envy, you have to hold anirrational belief. When you think irrationally, you hold a rigid belief and oneor more extreme beliefs. While the rigid belief is at the core of unhealthyenvy, the extreme beliefs that are derived from the rigid belief often dis-tinguish between whether you are experiencing unhealthy ego envy (whereyou depreciate yourself ) and unhealthy non-ego envy (where you `awfulise'or ®nd the deprivation or inequality involved intolerable). You may, ofcourse, experience both unhealthy ego envy and unhealthy non-ego envy ina given situation.

If your clients are unsure about the mediating role that irrationalbeliefs play in their unhealthy envy, ask them how they would feelif they really believed the rational alternatives to what RECBTholds are their unhealthy envy creating irrational beliefs. In usingthis strategy, it is important that you formulate the rational beliefsfor your clients, who cannot be expected to do this for themselves atthis stage. When you do this, ensure that you match your clients'rigid belief with a ¯exible alternative and their main extreme beliefwith a non-extreme alternative, and then ask them how they wouldfeel if they had strong conviction in this rational belief.

2 As I have mentioned before, we don't have agreed terms for healthy negativeemotions. Therefore, if you don't resonate with the term `healthy envy', use a term thatmakes more sense to you.


For example: `Let me outline two sets of beliefs about yourfriends having what you don't have but prize, and you tell mewhich leads to unhealthy envy and which leads to healthy envy.The ®rst set of beliefs is as follows: ``I must have what my friendshave and I can't bear the deprivation of not having it.'' The secondset of beliefs is as follows: ``I really would like to have what myfriends have, but it isn't necessary that I have it. It's dif®cultputting up with the deprivation, but I can do so and it's worth it tome to do so.'' Now which set of beliefs would lead to unhealthyenvy and which would lead to healthy envy?'

Be aware that this question often leads to a lengthy discussion ofthe behavioural and thinking correlates of the two forms of envy(which I outline later in the Client's Guide) and you should beprepared to help your clients list these and see the differencesbetween the two. Once your clients can see that their irrationalbeliefs underpin unhealthy envy and their rational beliefs under-pin healthy envy, they have understood the mediating role ofbeliefs.


1. It addresses your clients' doubts about the mediating role of irrational beliefsin unhealthy envy if they have such concern.



Behaviour associated with unhealthy envy

When you hold an irrational belief about someone having something thatyou prize, but don't have, you will act or tend to act in a number of ways, themost common of which are as follows:

You disparage verbally the person who has the desired possession to others.

You disparage verbally the desired possession to others.

If you had the chance, you would take away the desired possession from the other(either so that you will have it or so that the other is deprived of it).

If you had the chance you would spoil or destroy the desired possession so that theother person does not have it.

239Dealing with unhealthy envy

If you ask your clients whether they want to change theirunhealthy envy related behaviour, their response will be affectedby whether or not they are in an unhealthily envious frame ofmind. If they are, they are far less likely to see that this behaviouris dysfunctional than when they are not unhealthily envious. Ifthey are feeling unhealthily envious, it is useful to encourage themto imagine that they are advising a friend who displays the sameunhealthily envious based behaviour as they do. What would theysay to this friend about the functionality or dysfunctionality ofsuch behaviour? They are more likely to see that their ownunhealthy envy based behaviour is dysfunctional after they havetold their `friend' that the same behaviour is dysfunctional.

Thinking associated with unhealthy envy

When you hold an irrational belief about someone having something thatyou prize, but don't have, you will tend to think in a number of ways.Remember what I said in Chapter 1: the thinking that accompanies yourunhealthy envy is the result of your inference being processed by yourirrational belief and therefore it is likely to contain a number of thinkingerrors that I present in Appendix 1. I list the main features of this post±irrational belief unhealthy envy based thinking below:

You tend to denigrate in your mind the value of the desired possession and/or theperson who possesses it.

You try to convince yourself that you are happy with your possessions (although youare not).

You think about how to acquire the desired possession regardless of its usefulness.

You think about how to deprive the other person of the desired possession.

You think about how to spoil or destroy the other's desired possession.

As you can see, such thinking deepens the sense of deprivation that youexperience and exaggerates the inequality that there is between you and theother person or persons involved. Once again, such thinking may be inwords or in mental images.

One of the main features of post-irrational belief thinking is thatit is compelling. As such, it is quite easy for your clients to getcaught up in this way of thinking and think that it re¯ects reality.


This is an example of `cognitive-emotive' reasoning: if a thought isplausible and emotionally compelling, therefore it must be true. Itis important that you help your clients to understand how theirmind works with respect to the thinking consequences of irrationalbeliefs and to encourage them to use such thoughts to go back toaddress the irrational beliefs that spawn them. When your clientshave done this, you can encourage them to respond to these think-ing consequences of irrational beliefs as they will not disappearjust because they have questioned these beliefs. When they respondto these thinking consequences of iBs, they need to do so only a fewtimes on any one occasion. After that, they need to accept thepresence of such thinking without engaging with it.








HOW TO DEAL WITH UNHEALTHY ENVY

If you are prone to unhealthy envy, you tend to experience this emotionalproblem in a variety of different settings and in response to a variety ofsituations where you think someone poses a threat to your relationship.Here is how to deal with unhealthy envy so that you become less prone to it.

Step 1: Identify reasons why unhealthy envy is aproblem for you and why you want to change

While unhealthy envy is generally regarded as an emotional problem, it isuseful for you to spell out reasons why unhealthy envy is a problem for youand why you want to change. I suggest that you keep a written list of these


reasons and refer to it as needed as a reminder of why you are engaged in aself-help programme. I discuss the healthy alternative to unhealthy envy inStep 4.

What makes it harder for you to admit that you have an envy problem isthat it is often an `ugly' emotion (in that you seek to destroy or spoil whatothers have), you often feel ashamed of the malevolence that often accom-panies unhealthy envy and thus, to cope with your shame, you deny havingan envy problem. If you suspect that this is the case, I suggest that you dealwith your shame about your envy ®rst (see Chapter 5) and then come backto dealing with your unhealthy envy once you are disappointed, but notashamed, about your unhealthy envy response.

Some people who feel unhealthily envious think that it is anappropriate response to situations where others have what theyprize, but lack. In these circumstances, it is important to introducethe idea of feeling healthily envious as the healthy alternative tounhealthy envy a little earlier than you would normally do (seeStep 4). When you have done so, you can then carry out a cost-bene®t analysis of unhealthy envy and its constructive alternative,healthy envy. This involves helping your clients to spell out theperceived advantages and disadvantages of both emotions.Respond to any perceived advantages of unhealthy envy and per-ceived disadvantages of healthy envy, correcting any misconcep-tions that your clients reveal on these issues.

For example, imagine that your clients think that feelingunhealthily envious motivates them to get what others have, butlack, whereas healthy envy lacks that motivational thrust. In thiscase, help your client to see that unhealthy envy leads them to seekblindly what they think they desire, irrespective of their true long-term want. Far from being motivational, unhealthy envy isevidence that the person is in a disturbed state of mind.

Step 2: Take responsibility for your unhealthy envy

In RECBT, we argue that people or things do not make you unhealthilyenvious; rather you create these feelings by the rigid and extreme beliefsthat you hold about such people and things. You may object that thisinvolves you blaming yourself for creating your feelings of unhealthy envy,but this objection is based on a misconception. It assumes that takingresponsibility for creating your unhealthy envy is synonymous with self-


blame. In truth, responsibility means that you take ownership for the irra-tional beliefs that underpin your unhealthy envy while accepting yourself fordoing so. Blame, on the other hand, means that you regard yourself asbeing bad for creating your own unhealthy envy.

The idea that emotional problems (including unhealthy envy) arebased largely on the way that a person thinks about what happensto them is, as you know, a central plank in RECBT. However, formany clients it will be a new idea. Thus, your clients may hold thatthe reason why they are unhealthily envious is that their friendshave new clothes and they don't. This is an example of `A-C' think-ing where `A' is others having what I want, but lack and `C' is theemotion of unhealthy envy. Rather, we argue that the reason thatthe person experiences unhealthy envy is largely due to the fact thatthey hold a set of irrational beliefs about this state of inequality. Ifthey held a set of rational beliefs about the deprivation, they wouldexperience healthy envy rather than unhealthy envy.

If your clients continue to have dif®culty accepting responsibilityfor their unhealthy envy, it is important for you to identify thesource of this dif®culty. The most common obstacle is shame. Youwill recall that shame in this context involves inferring that onehas fallen from grace and that correspondingly the person's self-esteem plummets. If shame is a signi®cant block, it will mean thatyour clients will not admit that they do have an unhealthy envyproblem or if they do admit this, they will blame other people.Consult Chapter 5 for a full overview concerning how to respond toshame based problems.

It is important to help your clients to understand the impact ofthis as well as other obstacles on their emotional problems. Then,help them to develop alternatives to these obstacles and review theimpact of these alternatives on their emotional problem-solving.This often helps clients to deal effectively with these obstacles. Ifnot, you may need to do a more detailed assessment of the obstacle,which is outside the brief of this book.

Step 3: Identify the themes about which you tend tofeel unhealthy envy

The best way of identifying what you tend to feel unhealthy envy about is tounderstand the major theme associated with unhealthy envy and how this


theme is manifest with respect to your personal domain. As I outlined, themajor theme in unhealthy envy is when someone else has something thatyou prize, but don't have. It is also important that you distinguish betweenunhealthy envy that is mainly object focused (in which case keep a list ofthe objects that you tend to covet) or person focused (in which case keep alist of the people about whom you tend to be envious).

If your clients ®nd it dif®cult to ®nd their unhealthy envy relatedtheme, you can help them by assessing a few speci®c examples oftheir unhealthy envy. Have them focus on a speci®c situation inwhich they felt unhealthily envious and ask them what they weremost unhealthily envious about. If they still ®nd it dif®cult toidentify the theme in this or other speci®c situations, use the`magic question' technique. This involves you doing the following:

Have your clients focus on the situation in which they felt unhealthily envious.

Ask them to nominate one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantlyreduce their feelings of unhealthy envy without changing the situation.


Lionel was ®nding it dif®cult to pinpoint the speci®c theme with respect tohis feelings of unhealthy envy about his friends. Thus, he used the `magicquestion' technique as follows:

Lionel focused on the situation in which he felt unhealthily envious:`My friends are out playing when I have to study.'

He nominated one ingredient that would eliminate or signi®cantly reducehis unhealthy envy without changing the situation:`Not being in a deprived situation.'

The opposite of this nominated ingredient was what he is most unhealthilyenvious about:`Being in a deprived situation.'

If you assess a number of speci®c examples of your clients'unhealthy envy in this way, the relevant unhealthy envy relatedtheme should be apparent. In Lionel's case, it was being deprived ofso many good things which his friends all enjoyed.

If your client is envious about two `deprivations', it may be thatthere are two unhealthy envy related themes present in your client'sunhealthy envy. For example, your client may feel unhealthilyenvious about the deprivation of time which they had so little of


and others had in greater abundance. In addition, they may feelenvious of the quality of friendships that others demonstratedwhich they lacked. If this is the case, deal with them one at a timeand have your client nominate the theme which they want to focuson ®rst.

Step 4: Identify the three components of yourunhealthy envy response and set goals with respectto each component

The next step is for you to list the three elements of your unhealthy envyresponse in the face of each of the relevant themes listed above.

Identify the three components of your unhealthy envyresponse

I use the term `unhealthy envy response' to describe the three main com-ponents that make up this response. The three components of yourunhealthy envy response are the emotional, behavioural and thinkingcomponents.

Emotional component

The emotional component here is, of course, unhealthy envy.


The behavioural component concerns overt behaviour or action tendenciesthat you engage in or `feel like' engaging in when you feel unhealthy envy.Consult the list that I provided to help you identify your behaviour associ-ated with each relevant theme when you feel unhealthy envy (see p. 239).

Thinking component

The thinking component associated with unhealthy envy is listed on p. 240.Again these may be in words or in mental pictures. Consult this list ifnecessary.



You need to set goals so that you know what you are striving for when youdeal effectively with unhealthy envy. The three goals are emotional, beha-vioural and thinking goals.

Emotional goal

Your emotional goal is healthy envy rather than unhealthy envy (or whateversynonym you prefer to the term `healthy envy'). Healthy envy is a healthynegative emotion which is an appropriate response to someone havingsomething that you prize, but don't have. It helps you to think objectivelyabout the situation and your response to it and helps you to move on withyour life rather than get stuck or bogged down.

The concept that healthy envy is the healthy alternative tounhealthy envy when someone has what your client desires butlacks is based on the following idea. Such an adversity is negativeand therefore it is realistic to have a negative emotion about it.The choice, therefore, is between an unhealthy negative emotion(unhealthy envy) or a healthy negative emotion (healthy envy).However, what if your clients specify unrealistic goals? Here are anumber of such goals and how to respond to clients who nominatethem:

Ì don't want to feel unhealthily envious.'Show your clients that they have indicated what they do not want to feel in theface of someone having something that they covet, but do not have. Yourclients need to specify how they do want to feel instead of unhealthy envy.

Ì want to feel less unhealthily envious.'Show your clients that as unhealthy envy is a disturbed emotion, wanting tofeel less unhealthily envious is still to nominate as a goal a disturbed emotion,albeit of lesser intensity. Show your clients that healthy envy can be strong andhealthy.

Ì don't want to feel anything.'Not feeling anything in the face of someone having something that your clientscovet, but do not have, will not help your clients to decide if they genuinelywant what they covet and if it is truly what they want, it will not motivatethem to take appropriate action to get it. Help your clients to see this. Alsoshow them that the only way that they could achieve a state of not feeling


anything is to feel completely indifferent about not having what they covet.This can be achieved only if your clients lie to themselves. Show them this anddiscourage them from setting such a goal.

Behavioural goal

Your behavioural goal should re¯ect actions that are based on healthy envyrather than unhealthy envy. The following are the most common behavioursassociated with healthy envy. You may wish to compare these behaviourswith those associated with unhealthy envy that I presented on p. 239.

You strive to obtain the desired possession if it is truly what you want.

It is important that your clients understand that as they strive todevelop healthy behavioural responses to not having what theyprize that someone else has, they will still feel the urge to act inways that are dysfunctional, as listed on p. 239. Help them tounderstand the reason for this. Explain to them that as theyquestion their beliefs and commit themselves to strengtheningtheir conviction in their rational beliefs and to weakening theirconviction in their irrational beliefs, their irrational beliefs willstill be active and producing urges for them to act dysfunctionally.Encourage your clients to accept these urges, to recognise that theydo not have to act on them and to use them as cues to act infunctional ways.

Thinking goal

As well as setting behavioural goals related to the feeling of healthy envyabout a threat posed by a third person to your relationship, it is importantthat you set thinking goals associated with this emotion. The following arethe most common forms of thinking associated with healthy envy rather thanunhealthy envy. Again you may wish to compare these forms of thinking withthose associated with unhealthy envy that I presented on p. 240.

You honestly admit to yourself that you desire the desired possession.

You are honest with yourself if you are not happy with your possessions, ratherthan defensively trying to convince yourself that you are happy with them when youare not.


You think about how to obtain the desired possession because you desire it forhealthy reasons.

You can allow the other person to have and enjoy the desired possession withoutdenigrating that person or the possession.

As the above list shows, the dominant feature of thinking associated withhealthy envy is that it is realistic and balanced. Please remember that suchthinking may be in words or in mental pictures.





Step 5: Recognise that your symptoms of unhealthyenvy are evidence of disturbance and not necessarilythat you truly desire the prized object that the otherperson has, but you don't

Once you have identi®ed your unhealthily envious response and its healthyalternative, it is important that you realise one important point. If you feelenvious a lot, your feelings and the thoughts that accompany them aremost likely to be evidence that you have an envy problem rather than proofthat you truly desire what the other has that you don't.

When you think that you really want something that others have that youdon't because you have envious feelings and envious thoughts, you are


again succumbing to the two thinking errors known as emotional reasoningand cognitive reasoning. In emotional reasoning, you assume that becauseyou feel envious, that is evidence that you truly want the prized object.In cognitive reasoning, you think that your envious thoughts are proofthat again your desire is for the object itself and not to make equal what inyour eyes is an unequal situation (where someone has what you prize, butdon't have).

If your unhealthy envy is chronic, when you have envious feelings andthoughts, your task is to remind yourself that these are, in all probability,signs that you are thinking irrationally and that you need to identify anddeal with the irrational beliefs that underpin your unhealthy envy responserather than to act on them. You may well ®nd this dif®cult, because whenyou have envious feelings and thoughts, you will also experience an urge toact on them. Refraining from doing so will go against the grain and willthus be uncomfortable, but if you do so you will put yourself in the positionof dealing effectively with your unhealthy envy. If you don't, you will main-tain this emotional problem.


A general irrational belief leading to your unhealthy envy response is anirrational belief that you hold across situations de®ned by the major theme:someone has something that you prize, but don't have. Remember that yourunhealthy envy can be object focused or person focused (see pp. 237±238for how to distinguish between the two). In addition your unhealthy envymay relate to the ego part of your personal domain or the non-ego part ofyour personal domain. The rational alternative to this belief, which will alsobe general in nature, will account for your healthy envy response.


When you identify a general irrational belief, you take a common unhealthyenvy related theme (see above) and add to this a general rigid belief and themain extreme belief that is derived from the rigid belief. In unhealthy envy,your main extreme belief will be either a discomfort intolerance belief or aself-depreciation belief.

Let me provide examples of the irrational beliefs associated with each ofthe four types of unhealthy envy:


Object focused unhealthy ego envy:Ì must have the latest gadgets that some of my friends have and if I don't have themthen I am useless.'

Object focused unhealthy non-ego envy:Ì must have the latest gadgets that some of my friends have and I can't stand thedeprivation of not having them.'

Person focused unhealthy ego envy:Ì must have what my younger sisters have and if I don't, then they are better thanme.'

Person focused unhealthy non-ego envy:Ì must have what my younger sisters have and I can't bear the inequality of nothaving what they have.'


When you identify your alternative general rational belief, you take the samecommon theme and add to this a general ¯exible belief and a generaldiscomfort tolerance belief or a general self-acceptance belief. Forexample:

Object focused healthy ego envy:Ì would like to have the latest gadgets that some of my friends have, but it is notnecessary that I have them. If I don't have them, that is unfortunate, but it does notprove that I am useless. I am an unrateable, fallible human being whether or not Ihave these gadgets.'

Object focused healthy non-ego envy:Ì would like to have the latest gadgets that some of my friends have, but it is notnecessary that I have them. If I don't have them, it would be a struggle for me totolerate the deprivation, but I can do so and it would be worth it to me to do so.'

Person focused healthy ego envy:Ì would like to have what my younger sisters have, but I don't have to have them. If Idon't, that would be bad, but it would not prove that they are better than me. I amequal to them even though thay may have more than me.'

Person focused healthy non-ego envy:Ì would like to have what my younger sisters have, but I don't have to have them. Itwould be hard for me to put up with the resultant inequality, but I can do so and itwould be in my healthy interests to do so.'

As you will have noticed in the Client's Guide, I encourage readersto identify and work with their general irrational beliefs and todevelop general rational beliefs and, as you will see, when they are


facing speci®c instances of their problems, I encourage them tofocus on speci®c examples of both sets of beliefs. This will be atvariance with your RECBT practice, where you will begin withspeci®c examples of your clients' problems and then proceed towork at a more general level with their problems and how theserelate to one another.


Consequently, one way that you can help your clients who areusing the Client's Guide is to help them to work with speci®cexamples of their emotional problem, in this case unhealthy envy.Use the following sequence as you do so and help your clients to

select a speci®c example of their unhealthy envy problem

express why their unhealthy envy constitutes a problem for them

identify what they felt most unhealthily envious about in the situation

identify the three speci®c components of their unhealthy envy response and setspeci®c goals with respect to each component



In helping your clients to deal with a speci®c example of theirunhealthy envy, you can teach them how to use RECBT's ABCDform, which appears in Appendix 6.


face up to what they are most envious about in imagery (if necessary)












Rigid belief


Flexible belief


Main extreme belief





And also:

Rigid belief

empirical status

Flexible belief

empirical status

Rigid belief

logical status

Flexible belief

logical status

Rigid belief

pragmatic status

Flexible belief

pragmatic status

Main extreme belief

empirical status


empirical status

Main extreme belief

logical status


logical status

Main extreme belief

pragmatic status


pragmatic status.

The ®nal point I want to make about questioning beliefs concernsthe concept of persuasiveness. Perhaps the most important aspectof the questioning process is for your clients to develop arguments


concerning the irrationality of their irrational beliefs and therationality of their rational beliefs that are persuasive to them. So,encourage your clients to develop such persuasive arguments andto make a note of these for future reference.

Step 8: Face your unhealthy envy related theme inimagery

I hope that you have made a commitment to act on your general rationalbeliefs (i.e. ¯exible belief and unconditional self-acceptance belief ).Assuming that you have, your basic task is to face up to someone havingsomething that you prize, but don't have, and to learn to think rationallyabout it.

Up to this point you have worked at a general level with respect to yourunhealthy envy related theme, dealing with the general irrational beliefs thataccount for your unhealthy envy and developing your alternative generalrational beliefs. However, when you come to apply your general rationalbeliefs in dealing with someone having something that you prize, but don'thave, you need to bear in mind one important point. Since you makeyourself unhealthily envious about speci®c events (actual or imagined)where someone has something that you prize, but do not have, you need todeal with these events by rehearsing speci®c variants of your generalrational beliefs.

While the best way to do this is in speci®c situations where someone hassomething that you prize, but don't have, you may derive bene®t by usingimagery ®rst. If this is the case, you need to do the following:

Imagine a speci®c situation in which you felt or may feel unhealthily envious aboutsomeone having something that you prize, but don't have and focus, in your mind'seye, on what you felt most unhealthily envious about (i.e. your `A').

Focus on this `A' while rehearsing a speci®c rational belief relevant to the situation.As you do this, try to make yourself feel healthily envious, rather than unhealthilyenvious.

Then see yourself acting in ways consistent with your rational belief, such asexpressing admiration for rather than denigrating the person or object concerned.




If you ®nd that facing your unhealthy envy related À', in your mind's eye, istoo much for you, use the `challenging, but not overwhelming' principle.This means that instead of imagining yourself facing someone havingsomething that you prize, but don't have that you ®nd òverwhelming' at thepresent time, choose a similar unhealthy related À' that you would ®nd`challenging, but not overwhelming'. Then employ the same steps that Ihave outlined above. Work in this way with modi®ed unhealthy envy relatedÀ's' until you ®nd your original one `challenging, but not overwhelming'and then use the steps again.

Some of your clients may say that they can't get very clear imageswhen they try to picture events in their mind's eye. While they mayget more out of imagery techniques if they can get such clearimages, they will still get something out of facing someone havingsomething that they prize, but don't have in imagery if they don't.So, if clients want to face their particular adversity in imagerybefore they do so in reality, encourage them to do so no matter howclear their mental images are.

Step 9: Act in ways that are consistent with yourgeneral rational belief

As I mentioned earlier, when you experience the emotional problem ofunhealthy envy and the thoughts that accompany it, you will also experi-ence a strong urge to act on them. If you do, you will serve only tostrengthen the irrational beliefs that underpin such behaviour. So after youhave questioned your irrational and rational beliefs in the way I suggestedabove and committed yourself to strengthening your conviction in yourrational beliefs, it is very important that you act in ways that will do this andto refrain from acting in ways that will do the opposite.

So, it is crucial that you act according to the behavioural goals that youidenti®ed in Step 3 and accept that while you do so, you will still have theurge to act and think in unhealthy ways. Accept that this is an almostinevitable and natural part of the change process and these unhealthyurges and thoughts will eventually subside if you do not engage with them.I stress that this is dif®cult, but if you are clear about what you need to doand act accordingly you will stack the odds in favour of, rather than against,you dealing effectively with your unhealthy envy.

You may ®nd that your clients report various obstacles to facingsituations about which they have felt unhealthily envious while


acting in ways that are consistent with their general rationalbeliefs. I list here some of the major obstacles and suggest ways ofaddressing them with your clients.

Ìf I face envy related situations, I will become too upset.'Here, your client may have a discomfort intolerance belief about feeling upset.This is evidenced in the phrase Ì will become too upset'. Help your client to seethat if they do become upset, they can tolerate this and still act in ways thatare consistent with their rational beliefs.

Ìf I face envy related situations, I will ®nd the urge to act dysfunctionally tootempting.'Here your client considers that the urge to act in ways that have previouslymaintained their unhealthy envy may be too powerful for them to resist.Consequently, they are reluctant to face envy related situations while rehears-ing their developing rational beliefs and acting constructively. Help your clientsto develop a greater sense of control over their urges by allowing them to bethere and showing themselves that they do not have to act on such urges.

Ì don't feel comfortable facing envy related situations.'Help your clients to see that if they wait until they are comfortable beforefacing envy related situations, they will wait a very long time. Show them thatif they are comfortable about facing such situations, it is likely that they arenot unhealthily envious about them. Consequently, it is important that youhelp your clients realise that they are bound to be uncomfortable about facingan envy related situation even after they have disputed their unhealthy envycreating irrational beliefs. Show them that they can tolerate this discomfortand that it is worth it to them to do so.


When you have faced a situation in which you experienced unhealthy envyand dealt with it as best you could, it is important that you re¯ect on whatyou did and what you learned. In particular, if you were able to face thesituation, rehearse your speci®c rational beliefs until you felt healthy envy,ask yourself how you can capitalise on what you achieved. If you experi-enced any problems, respond to the following questions:






Re¯ect on your experience and put into practice what you learned the nexttime you face a situation in which someone has something that you prize,but lack.

It is useful to monitor your client's responses to these questions andhelp them to re¯ect on any issues that they have not considered.


Once you have dealt with your unhealthy envy in a speci®c situation byholding the relevant speci®c version of your general rational belief and byacting and thinking in ways that are consistent with it, you can generalisethis learning to situations de®ned by your unhealthy envy based theme.

Virginia was particularly prone to person focused unhealthy ego envy withrespect to her friends' boyfriends. She did not have a boyfriend of her own and inorder to prove that she was lovable, she ¯irted with their boyfriends andencouraged them to make passes at her. When they did, she took that as proofthat she was lovable and rebuffed their advances. In helping herself deal withthis type of unhealthy envy, she did the following:

Virginia assessed the three components of her unhealthy envy response andset goals with respect to all three components.

She identi®ed her relevant general irrational belief regarding her envy relatedtheme (i.e. `I must have what my friends have and I am less lovable than themif I don't') that underpinned her unhealthy envy response. She then identi®edher alternative general rational belief (i.e. `I would like to have what my friendshave, but I don't have to have it. It is frustrating when I don't have it, but itdoes not prove that I am less lovable than them. We are equal in lovabilityeven if we are unequal in that they have what I want') that underpinned herhealthy envy response.

She questioned her general irrational belief and her general rational beliefuntil she clearly saw that the former were false, made no sense and weredetrimental to her and that the latter were true, sensible and healthy.

She acted on shortened versions of her rational beliefs in speci®c situationsand had non-¯irtatious conversations with her friends' boyfriends rather thanencouraging them to make passes at her.

As she acted on her rational beliefs, she tolerated the discomfort that she feltand accepted that some of her distorted and skewed negative thinking wouldstill be in her mind as she did so. She let such thinking be without engagingwith it, suppressing it or distracting herself from it.

As this section shows, you can generalise what you learn about dealingwith unhealthy envy from situation to situation as de®ned by your unhealthyenvy based inference.


USING RECBT'S ABCD FORM TO DEAL WITHSPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF YOUR UNHEALTHYENVY

This chapter is mainly geared to help you deal with your unhealthy envy ingeneral terms. However, you can also use this material to address speci®cexamples of your unhealthy envy. I have developed a self-help form toprovide the structure to assist you in this regard. It is called the ABCDform and it appears with instructions in Appendix 6.


OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES IN DEALING WITHUNHEALTHY ENVY

In the above section, I outlined an eleven step programme to deal withunhealthy envy. In this section, I discuss some other important issues thatmay be relevant to you in your work to become less prone to this emotionalproblem. If you want to, you can incorporate them as additional steps in theabove step-by-step guide at points relevant to you.

Rethinking the place of objects in your life

In unhealthy envy, you think a certain way about the place of objects in yourlife.3 In object focused unhealthy ego envy, you tend to think that suchobjects, particularly when you don't have them, de®ne your worth as aperson. Thus, when you don't have what you prize when another personhas it, you think that you are less worthy than you would be if you did haveit. Ironically, however, were you to possess the object, your self-esteemmight be raised, but this would be temporary and you would depreciateyourself when you focus on something else that someone else has that youprize, but lack. This clearly shows that the possession of prized objectsdoes not solve your self-esteem problem; rather, it perpetuates the prob-lem. Self-depreciation in the face of someone having something that you

3 Please remember that I am using the term `objects' in this chapter to include anythingthat you prize.


prize but lack is a psychological problem and can be solved only by psy-chological means. In RECBT, we argue that unconditional self-acceptanceis the most robust solution to the self-esteem problems and I suggest thatyou review this rational belief in Appendix 5. I also discuss it in my bookHow to Accept Yourself (1999). Basically, holding this belief means thatwhile you may prize the object that someone else has that you don't have,its lack does not lessen your worth and your possession of it does not raiseyour worth. Your worth is ®xed and is most healthily based on certain factsabout you that do not change (i.e. your humanity, your fallibility, youruniqueness and your aliveness). It may be better if you possessed theobject, but you are not better for having it. Interestingly, holding thisrational belief helps you to determine how important the object really is toyou, once you have stripped it of its power to determine your self-worth!

In object focused non-ego unhealthy envy, you tend to think of prizedobjects that others have but you lack, as `must have' items that arenecessary for your overall happiness rather than things that are desirablewhich may improve the quality of a restricted part of your life. Once you thinkthat something is necessary, rather than desirable but not necessary, youovervalue it and often become obsessed by it. However, as in object focusedunhealthy ego envy, if you ®nally possess the object, your joy will be short-lived as you focus on something else that someone else has that you prize,but lack. Again the rigid and discomfort intolerance beliefs that underpinobject focused non-ego unhealthy envy represent the existence of a psycho-logical problem that is perpetuated rather than solved by the possession ofprized objects. Indeed, if you are prone to this type of unhealthy envy, it isvery likely that you will have a large collection of discarded objects that youonce saw as essential to your life. You discard such items as soon as youfocus on another object that someone else has that you prize, but lack. It isonly when you adopt a set of rational (¯exible and discomfort tolerance)beliefs that you will take a realistic position on the role of objects in your life,and in doing so, you will pursue only objects that will have enduring valuefor you.

Some clients think that you may mean that any value that theyplace on possessing objects is unhealthy. Help your clients to seethat this is not the case. Make the point that unhealthy interest inobjects is fuelled by two dysfunctional ideas: that possession ofcoveted objects raises their self-esteem and deprivation of objectsthat they think they want is intolerable. Once they put in placemore functional alternative ideas ± one's worth is not changed bypossession of coveted objects and deprivation of such objects is


tolerable and is worth tolerating ± they are in a position to deter-mine if the possession of such objects is based on true desire. Onthis point help your clients to consider why they want to possess thecoveted object by asking the following questions:

Why do you want the object?

Can you see yourself enjoying or using the object over time?

Once you get the object, will your attention shift to something else that youcovet but don't have?

If your clients do not provide good, persuasive answers to thesequestions, it may be that they need to do more work on developinghealthy envy-based rational beliefs.

Making healthy comparisons

As I have already shown you, in person focused unhealthy envy your focusis on the person who has the object that you think you prize rather than onthe object itself. I say `think you prize' here because in this type ofunhealthy envy, should someone else with whom you are not in competitionpossess this object, you will not experience unhealthy envy. Thus, personfocused unhealthy envy involves competition and comparison. The goal ofrational thinking is not to eradicate competition and comparison, but tomaximise the chances that when you are competitive and make compari-sons, you do so healthily.

In person focused unhealthy ego envy, you are making comparisonsbetween yourself and another person with whom you feel competitive, andif you lose out in the comparison, your self-esteem goes down. As in objectfocused unhealthy ego envy, in its person focused counterpart you adhereto the idea that you can rate a person and your rival has more worth thanyou if the other person has something that you think you prize, but lack. Todeal with this type of unhealthy envy, you once again need to work towardsunconditional self-acceptance and realise that you and your rival are equalin worth and that this cannot be altered by the possession or non-possession of prized objects. Adopting this philosophy will help youdetermine whether you want the prized object for what it can offer you inthat sphere of your life or whether you want it only because your rival has it.

In person focused unhealthy non-ego envy, you make a similar com-parison between yourself and your rival and you conclude that it is unfair


when your rival has something that you think you prize, but lack. The root ofthis type of unhealthy envy is in your rigid belief that such unfairness mustnot exist in the ®rst place or must be eradicated in the second place and thatif not, the continuing unfairness is intolerable. As a result, you seek to makethings fair either by getting what you don't have or by spoiling what theother person has. This is quite clearly a psychological problem and cannotbe solved by making things fair. It can be solved only by adopting a healthyrational belief towards unfairness. You do this by swallowing a bitter pilland see that, however undesirable, there is no law of the universe thatdecrees that unfairness (as expressed in situations where certain peoplewith whom you are in competition have what you think you prize, but don'thave), must not exist in the ®rst place or must be eradicated in the secondplace. You also see that the ongoing existence of such unfairness isdif®cult to tolerate, but you can tolerate it and it is worth it to you to do so.

If you adopt this philosophy, you will be able to determine whether or notyou want the prized object for its own sake and whether or not it will haveany enduring value for you. You will also see that while it may be unfair (toyou) not having what certain others have, it is equally unfair (to others) nothaving what you have. You will come to see, therefore, that `unfairness' isan inference and a matter of perspective rather than an objectively deter-mined fact.

Why you feel unhealthy envy much of the time andhow to deal with this

If you are particularly prone to unhealthy envy, you hold the following belief,which I call a `chronic unhealthy envy based general irrational belief':

`I must have what I want and if I don't have it I am unworthy and less worthy thanthose with whom I am in competition who do have it. It is also unfair when I don'thave what I want when others have it and I must eradicate this unfairness and I can'tbear it if I can't.'

As you can see, this belief refers to both ego and non-ego aspects, since inmy experience people who have a problem with chronic envy have problemswith envy in both these realms of the personal domain.


You will focus on what you don't have when others have it and will assign moreimportance to this than to what you have. When you focus on what you don't have,you will disturb yourself with a speci®c version of your general irrational belief.


You will initially be pleased to get what you have previously prized but lacked, but youwill soon lose interest in this because you have used the object to solve yourpsychological problem and it can never do that and you will soon become aware ofsomething else that others have that you want, but don't have.

You will ignore all the things that you have previously prized, obtained and lostinterest in and continue to think that what you presently covet will solve your envyproblem.

How to deal with chronic unhealthy envy

In order to deal with this chronic sense of unhealthy envy, you need todevelop and apply an alternative general rational belief which protects youfrom such unhealthy envy.

`I would like to have what I want, but I don't need to have it. If I don't get it, that wouldbe unfortunate, but it would not prove that I am unworthy or less worthy than thosewith whom I am in competition who do have it. My worth is ®xed and is equal to theworth of others and that cannot change unless I refuse to acknowledge this fact.While it may be unfair when I don't have what I want when others have it, I don't haveto eradicate this unfairness and if I can't, that would be hard to bear, but I can do soand it would be in my healthy interests to do so.'

When you hold this belief and there exists objective evidence that othershave what you truly want, you will feel healthy envy rather than unhealthyenvy because you will be processing this with a speci®c rational belief.

In addition, this belief will help you to

focus and appreciate what you do have as well as acknowledge what you truly wantthat others have and you don't

see that your possessions have their place, but are not as important as you pre-viously thought

pursue what you don't have when it is likely to have lasting rather than transitoryvalue for you and when it is not too time consuming to pursue it.

If your clients ®nd that the above explanation is too complex, youcan help them to see that holding rigid beliefs about not havingwhat they covet but lack means that unless they are clear that theydo not want the object, they assume that they do want it. Whentheir beliefs are ¯exible, they can be more objective about this issue.


How to examine the strength of your desire for whatothers have that you prize, but don't have

When you operate according to a set of general and speci®c rational beliefswith respect to what someone else has that you prize, but don't have, youshould be able to gauge how important the desired object truly is to you.However, if you are still unsure that you really want what others have thatyou prize, but don't have, answer one or more of the following questions:

Ask yourself how strong is your desire for the prized object?

Ask yourself whether or not you would still want the object if getting it did notimprove your self-esteem or make you feel better about life?

If the other people who possess the desired object suddenly discarded it, would youstill want it?

Draw up a list of pros and cons for striving to get the object.

Assessing and dealing with emotional problemsabout unhealthy envy

In previous chapters, I discussed the concept of meta-disturbance (literallydisturbance about disturbance). It is important to assess carefully thenature of this meta-disturbance about unhealthy envy before you can bestdeal with it.

The best way to start dealing with the assessment of any emotionalproblems you might have about unhealthy envy is to ask yourself thequestion: `How do I feel about my feeling of unhealthy envy?' The mostcommon emotional problems that people have about unhealthy envy are asfollows: anxiety, depression, shame and unhealthy self-anger. I refer you tothe relevant chapters on these emotional problems in this book for help indealing with meta-emotional problems about unhealthy envy.

Your clients will sometimes need to address their emotional prob-lems about unhealthy envy before they address their unhealthyenvy. They need to do this particularly when their secondary emo-tional problem gets in the way of them dealing with their primaryunhealthy envy. However, despite the interfering presence of theirsecondary problem, some clients still want to target their primaryenvy. There are two ways of dealing with this situation:


Provide a rationale to help your clients target their secondary problem. Forexample, explain to your client that their secondary problem is like having aball and chain around their leg while they are climbing a steep hill (akin totheir primary feelings of unhealthy envy). In the same way as climbing the hillis easier when they remove the ball and chain from their leg, dealing with theirprimary unhealthy envy is easier when they deal with their secondary problem®rst.

Go along with your clients' wish to deal with their primary unhealthy envy andwhen they fail to do so, help them to understand that the reason why theyfailed is because they had not addressed their secondary problem and thenagree that they will now do so.

Developing and rehearsing a non-unhealthy envyworld view

People develop views of the world as it relates to them that make it more orless likely that they will experience unhealthy negative emotions. The worldviews that render you vulnerable to unhealthy envy do so in a similar way tothe chronic unhealthy envy based general irrational belief discussed above(i.e. `I must have what I want and if I don't have it, I am unworthy and lessworthy than those with whom I am in competition who do have it. It is alsounfair when I don't have what I want when others have it and I musteradicate this unfairness and I can't bear it if I can't') by making you focusunduly on not having that which you prize when others do have it. However,these unhealthy envy based world views have this effect on you much morewidely.

It is important that you develop realistic views of the world that will helpyou to deal with unhealthy envy. In Table 9, you will ®nd an illustrative listof such world views rather than an exhaustive one, so you can get an ideaof what I mean, which will enable you to develop your own. In Table 9, I ®rstdescribe a world view that renders you vulnerable to unhealthy envy andthen I give its healthy alternative. You will see that the former is charac-terised by a view of life where objects and possessions are seen as thesource of happiness and a major determinant of personal worth. In thelatter, a more balanced view of life is put forward in which objects andpossessions are not the `be all and end all' of life and of personal worth. Asa result, this latter view will help you deal more healthily with situationswhere others have what you prize, but lack.

If you hold rational beliefs that are consistent with the views of the worldlisted on the right hand side of Table 9 and if you act and think in ways that


are, in turn, consistent with these rational beliefs, then doing all this willhelp you become less prone to unhealthy envy.

We have reached the end of this book. I hope you have found it instruc-tive and valuable and I would appreciate any feedback c/o the publisher.

Table 9 World views that render you vulnerable to unhealthy envy and help you to dealwith unhealthy envy

Views of the world that render youvulnerable to unhealthy envy

Views of the world that help youdeal with unhealthy envy

My worth is measured by mypossessions

My worth is determined by my alivenessand not by my possessions

If others with whom I am in competitionhave more than me, then they areworthier than me

If others with whom I am in competitionhave more than me, they have morethan me, but we are of equal worth

The more I have, the happier I will be My happiness is determined by mystriving to achieve what I ®ndpersonally meaningful and I am unlikelyto ®nd such meaning in possessions

I can be happy only if I get thepossessions that I want

I can be happy even if I do not get thepossessions that I want

If someone has what I want, I reallywant it

If someone has what I want, I think Ireally want it, but that level of desire iscoloured by my feelings of unhealthyenvy

It's unfair if others have what I don'thave, but it is fair if I have what othersdon't have

If it's unfair that others have what Idon't have, it's unfair to others if theydon't have what I have


References

Beck, A.T. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. New York: Inter-national Universities Press.

Burns, D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. New York: William Morrow.Dryden, W. (1999). How to Accept Yourself. London: Sheldon.Dryden, W. (2009a). Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy: Distinctive Features. Hove, East

Sussex: Routledge.Dryden, W. (2009b). How to Think and Intervene Like an REBT Therapist. Hove, East

Sussex: Routledge.Dryden, W. (2009c). Self-Discipline: How to Get It and How to Keep It. London: Sheldon.Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life's Challenges.

London: Robinson.Wills, F. (2009). Beck's Cognitive Therapy: Distinctive Features. Hove, East Sussex:

Routledge.

Descriptions, foundations and illustrationsof thinking errors and their realistic andbalanced alternatives

Descriptions of thinking errors andrealistic and balanced alternatives

Illustrations1

Jumping to unwarrantedconclusions

Here, when something bad happens,you make a negative interpretation andtreat this as a fact even though there isno de®nite evidence that convincinglysupport your conclusions

Sticking to the facts and testing outyour hunches

Here, when something bad happens,you stick to the facts and resolve to testout any negative interpretations youmay make which you view as hunchesto be examined rather than as facts

`Since they have seen me fail . . . [as Iabsolutely should not have done] . . .they will view me as an incompetentworm'

`Since they have seen me fail . . . [as Iwould have preferred not to do, but dodemand that I absolutely should nothave done] . . . I am not sure how theywill view me. I think that some will thinkbadly of me, others will becompassionate towards me and yetothers may not have noticed or beneutral about my failure. I can alwaysask them, if I want to know'

All-or-none thinking

Here, you use non-overlapping black orwhite categories

Multi-category thinking

Here, you make use of a number ofrelevant categories

`If I fail at any important task . . . [as Imust not do] . . . I will only ever failagain'

`If I do fail at any important task . . . [as Iwould prefer not to do, but do notdemand that I must not do] . . . I maywell both succeed and fail at importanttasks in the future'

1

1 In these illustrations, the beliefs (irrational and rational) are shown in square bracketsand the thinking errors and realistic and balanced alternatives are underlined.


Illustrations

Overgeneralising

Here, when something bad happens,you make a generalisation from thisexperience that goes far beyond thedata at hand

Making a realistic generalisation

Here, when something goes wrong, youmake a generalisation from thisexperience that is warranted by the dataat hand

`[My boss must like me] . . . If my bossdoes not like me, it follows that nobodyat work will like me'

`[I want my boss to like me, but my bossdoes not have to do so] . . . If my bossdoes not like me, it follows that othersat work may or may not like me'

Focusing on the negative

Here, you pick out a single negativedetail and dwell on it exclusively so thatyour vision of all reality becomesdarkened, like the drop of ink thatdiscolours the entire glass of water

Focusing on the complexity ofexperiences

Here, you focus on a negative detail,but integrate this detail into thecomplexity of positive, negative andneutral features of life

`As things are going wrong . . . [as theymust not do and it is intolerable thatthey are] . . . I can't see any good that ishappening in my life'

`As things are going wrong . . . [as Iprefer, but do not demand that theymust not and when they do, I can bearit] . . . I can see that my life is made upof the good, the bad and the neutral '

Disqualifying the positive

Here, you reject positive experiences byinsisting they `don't count' for somereason or other, thus maintaining anegative view that cannot becontradicted by your everydayexperiences

Incorporating the positive into acomplex view of your experiences

Here, you accept positive experiencesand locate these into the complexity ofpositive, negative and neutral featuresof life

`[I absolutely should not have done thefoolish things that I have done] . . .When others compliment me on thegood things I have done, they are onlybeing kind to me by seeming to forgetthose foolish things'

`[I would have preferred not to havedone the foolish things that I havedone, but that does not mean that Iabsolutely should not have done them]. . . When others compliment me on thegood things I have done, I can acceptthese compliments as being genuineeven though I also did some foolishthings which the others may also haverecognised '


Illustrations

Mind reading

Here, you arbitrarily conclude thatsomeone is reacting negatively to you,and you don't bother to check this out.You regard your thought as a fact

Owning and checking one'sthoughts about the reactions ofothers

Here, you may think someone isreacting negatively to you, but youcheck it out with the other personrather than regarding your thought asfact

`I made some errors in my presentation. . . [that I absolutely should not havemade] . . . and when I looked at myboss, I thought he was thinking howhopeless I was and therefore he didthink this'

`I made some errors in my presentation. . . [that I would have preferred not tohave made, but that does not mean thatI absolutely should not have madethem] . . . and when I looked at my bossI thought he was thinking that I washopeless, but I quickly realised that thiswas my thought rather than his andresolved to ask him about this in themorning'

Fortune telling

Here, you anticipate that things willturn out badly, and you feel convincedthat your prediction is an alreadyestablished fact

Owning and checking one'sthoughts about what will happen inthe future

Here, you anticipate that things mayturn out badly, but you regard that as aprediction that needs examiningagainst the available data and is not anestablished fact

`Because I failed at this simple task . . .[which I absolutely should not havedone] . . . I think that I will get a verybad appraisal and thus this will happen'

Because I failed at this simple task . . .[which I would have preferred not tohave done, but I do not have to beimmune from so doing] . . . I may get avery bad appraisal, but this is unlikelysince I have done far more good thanbad at work during the last year'

Always and never thinking

Here, when something bad happens,you conclude that it will always happenand/or the good alternative will neveroccur

Balanced thinking about the past,present and future

Here, when something bad happensyou recognise that while it may happenagain that it is not inevitable that it willand it is very unlikely that it will alwaysoccur. Also, you recognise that thegood alternative may well occur in thefuture and that it is very unlikely that itwill never happen

`Because my present conditions ofliving are not good . . . [and they areactually intolerable because they mustbe better than they are] . . . it followsthat they'll always be this way and I'llnever have any happiness'

`Because my present conditions ofliving are not good . . . [but they aretolerable because they don't have to bebetter than they are] . . . it does notfollow that they will always be that wayand I can be happy again'


Illustrations

Magnifying

Here, when something bad happens,you exaggerate its negativity

Keeping things in realisticperspective

Here, when something bad happens,you view it in its proper perspective

Ì made a faux pas when introducing mynew colleague . . . [which I absolutelyshould not have done and it's awful thatI did so] . . . and this will have a verynegative effect on my career'

Ì made a faux pas when introducing mynew colleague . . . [which I wish I hadnot done, but I do not have to beexempt from making. It's bad that I didso, but hardly the end of the world] . . .and while people may remember it for aday or two, I doubt that it will havemuch lasting impact on my career'

Minimising

Here, you inappropriately shrink thingsuntil they appear tiny (your owndesirable qualities or other people'simperfections)

Using the same balancedperspective for self and others

Here, when you do something goodand/or others do something bad, youcan recognise this kind of behaviour forwhat it is

`[I must do outstandingly well and I amcompletely useless when I do not doso] . . . When I have seemingly donereasonably well, this is the result ofluck and anyone could have done this.Whereas if another person had donethe same thing, I would acknowledgetheir achievement'

`[I want to do outstandingly well, but Ido not have to do so. I am not uselesswhen I do not do so] . . . When I orsomeone else has seemingly donereasonably well, this may be the resultof luck, but it may be because I or theyfully deserved to do well '

Emotional reasoning

Here, you assume that your negativeemotions necessarily re¯ect the waythings really are: Ì feel it, therefore itmust be true'

Sound reasoning based on thinkingand feeling

`Because I have performed so poorly . . .[as I absolutely should not have done]. . . I feel like everybody will remembermy poor performance and my strongfeeling proves that they will '

Because I have performed so poorly . . .[as I wish, but do not demand that Iabsolutely should not have done] . . . Ithink and feel that people will havedifferent responses to my performance:some negative and nasty, somecompassionate and empathic and someneutral and this is probably the case'


Illustrations

Personalising

Here, when a negative event occursinvolving you which you may or may notbe primarily responsible for, you seeyourself de®nitely as the cause of it

Making a realistic attribution

Here, when a negative event occursinvolving you which you may or may notbe primarily responsible for, youacknowledge that you may be the causeof it, but you don't assume that youde®nitely are. Rather, you view theevent from a the whole perspectivebefore making an attribution of causewhich is likely to be realistic

`I am involved in a group presentationand things are not going well . . . [SinceI am acting worse than I absolutelyshould act] . . . and the audience islaughing, I am sure they are laughingonly at me'

`I am involved in a group presentationand things are not going well . . . [SinceI am acting worse than I would like todo, but do not demand that I must do]. . . and the audience is laughing, I amnot sure who or what they are laughingat and indeed, some might be laughingwith us and not at us'

Reasons why rigid beliefs are false, illogicaland have largely unhealthy consequencesand flexible beliefs are true, logical andhave largely healthy consequences

Rigid belief Flexible belief

A rigid belief is false

For such a demand to be true thedemanded conditions would alreadyhave to exist when they do not. Or assoon as you make a demand, thesedemanded conditions would have tocome into existence. Both positions areclearly false or inconsistent with reality

A ¯exible belief is true

A ¯exible belief is true because its twocomponent parts are true. You canprove that you have a particular desireand can provide reasons why you wantwhat you want. You can also prove thatyou do not have to get what you desire

A rigid belief is illogical

A rigid belief is based on the samedesire as a ¯exible but is transformedas follows:

Ì prefer that x happens (or does nothappen) . . . and therefore thisabsolutely must (or must not) happen.'

The ®rst component [Ì prefer that xhappens (or does not happen. . .)'] isnot rigid, but the second component[`. . . and therefore this absolutely must(or must not) happen'] is rigid. Assuch, a rigid belief is illogical since onecannot logically derive something rigidfrom something that is not rigid

A ¯exible belief is logical

A ¯exible belief is logical since bothparts are not rigid and thus the secondcomponent logically follows from the®rst. Thus, consider the following¯exible belief:

Ì prefer that x happens (or does nothappen) . . . but this does not meanthat it must (or must not) happen.'

The ®rst component [Ì prefer that xhappens (or does not happen)' . . .] isnot rigid, and the second component[`. . . but this does not mean that it must(or must not) happen'] is also not rigid.Thus, a ¯exible belief is logical becauseit is comprised of two non-rigid partsconnected together logically

2

Rigid belief Flexible belief

A rigid belief has largely unhealthyconsequences

A rigid belief has largely unhealthyconsequences because it tends to leadto unhealthy negative emotions,unconstructive behaviour and highlydistorted and biased subsequentthinking when the person is facing anadversity

A ¯exible belief has largely healthyconsequences

A ¯exible belief has largely healthyconsequences because it tends to leadto healthy negative emotions,constructive behaviour and realisticand balanced subsequent thinkingwhen the person is facing an adversity

Reasons why awfulising beliefs are false,illogical and have largely unhealthyconsequences and non-awfulising beliefsare true, logical and have largely healthyconsequences

Awfulising belief Non-awfulising belief

An awfulising belief is false

When you hold an awfulising beliefabout your adversity, this belief isbased on the following ideas:

Nothing could be worse.The event in question is worse than100 per cent bad.No good could possibly come fromthis bad event.

All three ideas are patently false andthus your awfulising belief is false

A non-awfulising belief is true

When you hold a non-awfulising beliefabout your adversity. this belief isbased on the following ideas:

Things could always be worse.The event in question is less than 100per cent bad.Good could come from this badevent.

All three ideas are clearly true and thusyour non-awfulising belief is true

An awfulising belief is illogical

An awfulising belief is based on thesame evaluation of badness as a non-awfulising belief, but is transformed asfollows:

Ìt is bad if x happens (or does nothappen) . . . and therefore it is awful ifit does happen (or does not happen).'

The ®rst component [Ìt is bad if xhappens (or does not happen. . .)'] isnon-extreme, but the secondcomponent [`. . . and therefore it isawful if it does (or does not) happen']is extreme. As such, an awfulisingbelief is illogical since one cannotlogically derive something extremefrom something that is non-extreme

A non-awfulising belief is logical

A non-awfulising belief is logical sinceboth parts are non-rigid and thus thesecond component logically followsfrom the ®rst. Thus, consider thefollowing non-awfulising belief:

Ìt is bad if x happens (or does nothappen) . . . but it is not awful if it doeshappen (or does not happen).'

The ®rst component [Ìt is bad if xhappens (or does not happen)' . . .] isnon-extreme and the secondcomponent [`. . . but it is not awful if itdoes happen (or does not happen)'] isalso non-extreme. Thus, a non-awfulising belief is logical because it iscomprised of two non-extreme partsconnected together logically

3

Awfulising belief Non-awfulising belief

An awfulising belief has largelyunhealthy consequences

An awfulising belief has largelyunhealthy consequences because ittends to lead to unhealthy negativeemotions, unconstructive behaviourand highly distorted and biasedsubsequent thinking when the personis facing an adversity

A non-awfulising belief has largelyhealthy consequences

A non-awfulising belief has largelyhealthy consequences because it tendsto lead to healthy negative emotions,constructive behaviour and realisticand balanced subsequent thinkingwhen the person is facing an adversity

Reasons why discomfort intolerance beliefsare false, illogical and have largelyunhealthy consequences and discomforttolerance beliefs are true, logical and havelargely healthy consequences

Discomfort intolerance belief Discomfort tolerance belief

A discomfort intolerance belief isfalse

When you hold a discomfortintolerance belief about your adversity,this belief is based on the followingideas, which are all false:

I will die or disintegrate if thediscomfort continues to exist.I will lose the capacity to experiencehappiness if the discomfortcontinues to exist.Even if I could tolerate it, thediscomfort is not worth tolerating.

All three ideas are patently false andthus your discomfort intolerance beliefis false

A discomfort tolerance belief istrue

When you hold a discomfort tolerancebelief about your adversity, this belief isbased on the following ideas, which areall true:

I will struggle if the discomfortcontinues to exist, but I will neitherdie nor disintegrate.I will not lose the capacity toexperience happiness if thediscomfort continues to exist,although this capacity will betemporarily diminished.The discomfort is worth tolerating.

All three ideas are patently true andthus your discomfort tolerance belief istrue

4

Discomfort intolerance belief Discomfort tolerance belief

A discomfort intolerance belief isillogical

A discomfort intolerance belief isbased on the same sense of struggle asa discomfort tolerance belief, but istransformed as follows:

Ìt would be dif®cult for me to tolerateit if x happens (or does not happen) . . .and therefore it would be intolerable.'

The ®rst component [Ìt would bedif®cult for me to tolerate it if xhappens (or does not happen . . .)'] isnon-extreme, but the secondcomponent [`. . . and therefore it wouldbe intolerable'] is extreme. As such, adiscomfort intolerance belief is illogicalsince one cannot logically derivesomething extreme from somethingthat is non-extreme

A discomfort tolerance belief islogical

A discomfort tolerance belief is logicalsince both parts are non-extreme andthus the second component logicallyfollows from the ®rst. Thus, considerfollowing discomfort tolerance belief:

Ìt would be dif®cult for me to tolerateit if x happens (or does not happen) . . .but it is would not be intolerable (andit would be worth tolerating).'

The ®rst component [Ìt would bedif®cult for me to tolerate it if x happens(or does not happen)' . . .] is non-extreme and the second component [`. . .but it would not be intolerable (and itwould be worth tolerating)'] is alsonon-extreme. Thus, a discomforttolerance belief is logical because it iscomprised of two non-extreme partsconnected together logically

A discomfort intolerance belief haslargely unhealthy consequences

A discomfort intolerance belief haslargely unhealthy consequencesbecause it tends to lead to unhealthynegative emotions, unconstructivebehaviour and highly distorted andbiased subsequent thinking when theperson is facing an adversity

A discomfort tolerance belief haslargely healthy consequences

A discomfort tolerance belief haslargely healthy consequences becauseit tends to lead to healthy negativeemotions, constructive behaviour andrealistic and balanced subsequentthinking when the person is facing anadversity

Reasons why depreciation beliefs are false,illogical and have largely unhealthyconsequences and unconditionalacceptance beliefs are true, logical andhave largely healthy consequences

Depreciation belief Unconditional acceptance belief

A depreciation belief is false

When you hold a depreciation belief inthe face of your adversity, this belief isbased on the following ideas, which areall false:

A person (self or other) or life canlegitimately be given a single globalrating that de®nes their or itsessence and the worth of a person orof life is dependent upon conditionsthat change (e.g. my worth goes upwhen I do well and goes down when Idon't do well).A person or life can be rated on thebasis of one of his or her or itsaspects.

Both of these ideas are patently falseand thus your depreciation belief isfalse

An unconditional acceptance beliefis true

When you hold an unconditionalacceptance belief in the face of youradversity, this belief is based on thefollowing ideas, which are all true:

A person (self or other) or life cannotlegitimately be given a single globalrating that de®nes their or itsessence, and their or its worth, as faras they or it have it, is not dependentupon conditions that change (e.g. myworth stays the same whether or not Ido well).Discrete aspects of a person, and lifecan be legitimately rated, but aperson or life cannot be legitimatelyrated on the basis of these discreteaspects.

Both of these ideas are patently trueand thus yourdepreciation belief is true

5

Depreciation belief Unconditional acceptance belief

A depreciation belief is illogical

A depreciation belief is based on theidea that the whole of a person or of alife can logically be de®ned by one oftheir or its parts. Thus:

`x is bad . . . and therefore I am bad.'

This is known as the part-whole error,which is illogical

An unconditional acceptance beliefis logical

An unconditional acceptance belief isbased on the idea that the whole of aperson or of a life cannot be de®ned byone or more of their or its parts. Thus:

`x is bad, but this does not mean that Iam bad, I am a fallible human beingeven though x occurred.'

Here the part-whole illogical error isavoided. Rather it is held that the wholeincorporates the part which is logical

A depreciation belief has largelyunhealthy consequences

A depreciation belief has largelyunhealthy consequences because ittends to lead to unhealthy negativeemotions, unconstructive behaviourand highly distorted and biasedsubsequent thinking when the personis facing an adversity

An unconditional acceptance beliefhas largely healthy consequences

An unconditional acceptance belief haslargely healthy consequences becauseit tends to lead to healthy negativeemotions, constructive behaviour andrealistic and balanced subsequentthinking when the person is facing anadversity

ABCD blank form with instructions

SITUATION =

À' =

ìB' (irrational belief ) = `rB' (rational belief ) =

`C' (emotional consequence) = `C' (emotional goal) =

(behavioural consequence) = (behavioural goal) =

(thinking consequence) = (thinking goal) =

1. Write down a brief, objective description of the `situation' you were in.2. Identify your `C' ± your major disturbed emotion, your dysfunctional behaviour and, if

relevant, your distorted subsequent thinking.3. Identify your À' ± this is what you were most disturbed about in the situation.

(Steps 2 and 3 are interchangeable.)4. Set emotional, behavioural and thinking goals.5. Identify your irrational beliefs (ìBs'), i.e. rigid belief + awfulising belief, discomfort

intolerance belief or depreciation belief.6. Identify the alternative rational beliefs (`rBs') that will enable you to achieve your

goals, i.e. ¯exible belief + non-awfulising belief, discomfort tolerance belief oracceptance belief.

OVERLEAF7. Develop persuasive arguments to convince yourself that your irrational beliefs are

irrational and that your rational beliefs are rational ± `D'. These arguments will helpyou to achieve your emotional, behavioural and thinking goals.

8. Re-examine À' and consider how realistic it was. Given all the facts, would therehave been a more realistic way of looking at À'? If so write it down.

6

`D' (Disputing)

Re-examine `A' =

NOTES FOR PRACTITIONERS

These notes refer to the eight instructions that are listed on theABCD self-help form and highlight errors that clients tend to makeat each of the eight steps. In these notes I outline the most frequentof these errors and suggest ways of helping your clients to addressthese errors effectively.

1. Write down a brief, objective description of the`situation' you were in

The error that your clients may make here is to be too general intheir description of the situation in which they experienced theirproblem. If this is the case, show your clients how to apply the rulesof the game `Cluedo' (called `Clue' in the USA) to describing the`situation'. This involves clients specifying precisely where theywere in the episode, who else was there and what happened (e.g. Ìtwas Colonel Mustard, in the dining room, who killed the victimwith the candelabra').

2. Identify your `C' ± your major disturbed emotion,your dysfunctional behaviour and, if relevant, yourdistorted subsequent thinking

Here your clients can make a number of errors, although the factthat the Client's Guide is structured in the way that it is meansthat if your clients are working on anxiety, for example, theyshould list ànxiety' as their emotional consequence and theyshould select the appropriate behavioural and thinking conse-quences that are listed in Chapter 2. This should be the case foreach of the eight emotional problems dealt with in the Client'sGuide. However, if your clients have a number of emotionalproblems or if they are using the ABCD form as a stand-alonemethod without reference to any speci®c chapter, they may make anumber of errors in this step.

Error: your client does not list a speci®c unhealthy negative emotion (UNE),dysfunctional behaviour and/or grossly distorted and (where relevant) safety-seeking thinking.Response: help your client to specify this material.

Error: your client lists a vague emotion. For example, your client may writethat they felt `bad' or ùpset'.Response: explain why this response is vague and then ask again for a speci®cUNE giving suitable prompts and suggestions when relevant.

Error: your client lists an inference as an emotion. For example, your clientmay write that they felt `rejected' or `criticised'.Response: explain why this response is an inference rather than a UNE and askyour client how they felt when they were rejected or criticised, assuming, ofcourse, that they were.

To help you assist your clients to identify the emotional, beha-vioural and thinking components of their situationally basedproblem I have included all relevant information with respect toemotional problems (and their healthy alternatives) in Appendix7. This appendix will help you to easily ®nd this information andsave valuable therapy time.

3. Identify your À' ± this is what you were mostdisturbed about in the situation

In RECBT, À' is perhaps the most dif®cult concept for clients andnovice therapists alike to grasp. In this book, I refer to À' as anadversity when discussing emotional problems and their healthyalternatives. It may also be referred to as a `negative activatingevent'. The most important thing that you need to bear in mindand help your clients to do so when identifying À' when assessing aspeci®c example of their emotional problems is that À' representsthe aspect of the situation about which your clients disturbthemselves the most.

One way to describe this to your client is to ask them to imaginethat a doctor is assessing their leg re¯exes with a rubber hammer.In that procedure, the doctor asks them to cross their legs andwhen the doctor hits the right spot, your client's re¯ex is triggered.If the doctor misses this spot by much, then no response is forth-coming. If the doctor's attempt is there or thereabouts, but notdirectly on the right spot, your client's response will be present butmuted. When you help your client to assess À', your goal is to hitthe right spot so that your client says something like `That's exactlywhat I was most anxious about', for example.

Here are common client errors in assessing À' on the ABCD self-help form and how best to respond.

Error: your client reiterates the situation as À'.Response: ascertain whether this is exactly what the client was most disturbedabout and if not, help to identify À' (e.g. by using the magic question tech-nique). In using the magic question technique you do the following:

Ask your client to imagine the situation in which they were disturbed(specify the precise unhealthy negative emotion that they experienced in thissituation).Without changing what happened, ask your client to nominate one ingredi-ent that would have eliminated or signi®cantly reduced their disturbedemotion.The opposite of the nominated ingredient is likely to be the client's À'.

Error: the relevant theme is not clear in your clients' À'. In Chapters 2±9, Ioutlined for each emotional problem and its healthy alternative the themesthat are present in these problems. In this context, if your clients are anxious intheir chosen speci®c example, they will be anxious about an aspect of thesituation that they found particularly threatening ± threat being the infer-ential theme associated with anxiety and its healthy alternative, concern. Theinferential themes associated with each emotional problem and healthyalternative are listed in Appendix 7.Response: if the theme is not clear in your clients' À', then use this theme (orthemes) in your questions to help your clients in this regard (e.g. what did you®nd was most threatening about being in this situation?). Also, using the magicquestion technique (described above) will usually help you to identify thetheme. You may wish to encourage your clients to specify the theme at À' inaddition to listing what they were most disturbed about. You may suggest thisto any client who needs an additional reminder of the relevant theme to identifyÀ'. Thus, instead of `Being criticised by my boss' your client might be encour-aged to write `My biggest threat in the situation was being criticised by my boss'.

(Steps 2 and 3 are interchangeable.)In the ABCD form, I recommend that clients identify the emo-

tional, behavioural and thinking components of their emotionalproblem before identifying À'. I suggest this because it is oftenhelpful for clients to use the emotional component, in particular,to identify À' (e.g. `What was I most anxious about in this situ-ation?'). However, some clients ®nd it more helpful to identify À'before `C' and it is ®ne to let them do so, although it is worthchecking that their nominated À' is, in fact, what they were mostdisturbed about after they have identi®ed their À'.

4. Set emotional, behavioural and thinking goals

Error: your client does not list one or more of the following as goals: a speci®chealthy negative emotion alternative to their UNE, functional alternatives totheir dysfunctional behaviour and realistic and balanced alternatives to theirhighly distorted (and where relevant) safety-seeking thinking.Response: help your client to specify this material.

Error: your client may suggest an emotional goal which is based on the absenceof the UNE (e.g. Ì don't want to be anxious').

Response: explain why this is problematic (i.e. people do not exist in an emo-tional vacuum in the face of an adversity) and outline and provide a rationalefor the HNE alternative to their listed UNE (e.g. concern as an alternative toanxiety).

Error: your client may suggest an emotional goal which is based on the ideathat it is desirable to experience the UNE with less intensity (e.g. Ì want to feelless anxious'). Explain that a less intense version of a disturbed emotion is stilla disturbed emotion and if achieved it will be done, not only by retaining yourclient's irrational belief but also by reducing the importance of their prefer-ence. Outline and provide a rationale for the HNE alternative to their UNE andexplain that this HNE will allow your client to retain the importance of theirpreference by changing their irrational beliefs to their rational alternatives.

Error: your client may nominate safety-seeking behaviour as a behaviouralgoal.Response: remind your client that their behavioural goal should ideally be inresponse to the adversity at À'. Help your client to understand that the beha-viour that they have nominated as a gaol is designed to help keep them safe inthe situation or to change this À' before they have dealt with it rather thanto deal effectively with their À'. With this principle in mind, help your client toset an appropriate behavioural goal in the face of À'.

Error: your client may nominate safety-seeking thinking as a thinking goal.Response: the most common form of safety-seeking thinking that your client islikely to nominate as a thinking goal is self-reassurance. Help them to see thatsuch thinking is not designed to help them face their À' and deal with iteffectively. Rather it is designed to eradicate their UNE. Explain this to yourclient and help them instead to nominate as a goal thinking that is realistic,balanced and designed to help them to face and deal with their À'.

Error: your client may nominate unrealistically positive thinking as a thinkinggoal.Response: help your client to understand that thinking positively about anadversity is not healthy and that realistic and balanced thinking about theadversity is the healthy alternative to highly distorted and exaggerated nega-tive thinking about it. Help your client to nominate the latter as their thinkinggoal at `C'.

5. Identify your irrational beliefs (ìBs'), i.e. rigidbelief + awfulising belief, discomfort intolerancebelief or depreciation belief

Error: your client uses the word `should' to denote a rigid belief.Response: this may or may not be an error. While the word `should' may re¯ecta rigid demand, it may also denote a non-rigid, ideal or preferable `should'.The best way to tell is to ask your client whether they believe that their `should'must come to pass or not. If they say `yes' then their `should' is rigid. If they say

`no', then it may not represent an irrational belief. If your client is going to usethe word `should' to denote a rigid belief then I suggest that you encourageyour client to qualify the `should' with the term àbsolutely' or alternatively touse the word `must'.

Error: your client thinks that role-depreciation ± where your client globallydepreciates their performance in a role ± is synonymous with self-depreciation± where they depreciate their `self' (e.g. Ì'm a bad parent' is synonymous withÌ am a bad person').Response: if this occurs help your client to differentiate self-depreciation fromrole-depreciation and to make the former explicit on the form (e.g. Ì'm a badperson for being a bad person').

6. Identify the alternative rational beliefs (`rBs') thatwill enable you to achieve your goals, i.e. flexiblebelief + non-awfulising belief, discomfort tolerancebelief or acceptance belief

Error: your client articulates a partial rational belief, but does not negate theirrational belief (e.g. Ì want to be loved' as opposed to Ì want to be loved, but Ido not have to be loved').Response: if this happens, explain to your client the importance of negatingtheir irrational belief as well as asserting their partial rational belief andensure that they do so. If they assert only their partial rational belief (e.g. Ìtwould be bad if I fail') then they may implicitly transform this into anirrational belief (Ìt would be bad if I fail and therefore it would be awful if Ido so'). Whereas if your client explicitly states both parts of a rational belief,this is unlikely to happen (e.g. Ìt would be bad if I fail, but it would not beawful if I did so').

7. Develop persuasive arguments to convince yourselfthat your irrational beliefs are irrational and thatyour rational beliefs are rational ± `D'. Thesearguments will help you to achieve your emotional,behavioural and thinking goals

Error: in the Client's Guide, I provide tips for clients when they come to ques-tion their beliefs (both rational and irrational) ± see Appendices 2±5. If I didnot provide these tips, clients would probably struggle to question these beliefs.However, their inclusion may mean that your clients will apply the argumentscontained in the appendices rather than using them to develop their ownpersuasive arguments.Response: if you suspect that your clients' arguments in the questioning processlack persuasiveness, ask them to rate each argument on a 0±10 persuasiveness

scale. If your clients' scores are low, have them develop arguments with you inthe session that help to increase these ratings.

8. Re-examine À' and consider how realistic it was.Given all the facts, would there have been a morerealistic way of looking at À'? If so, write it down

Error: in RECBT, we encourage clients to assume temporarily that their infer-ences at À' are correct (see Step 3) so that they can identify and deal with theirrational beliefs that they hold about these adversities (at `B') that underpintheir disturbed responses at `C'. Only when they have questioned their irra-tional beliefs and have developed some conviction in their rational beliefs thatthey are ready to re-examine their À's'. This is why this is the last step on theABCD self-help form. However, sometimes clients take this step ®rst ratherthan last. When they do this, their commitment to change their irrationalbeliefs is lowered, since they have changed À' rather than `B' to change `C'.Response: ask your clients when they completed Step 8. If they did this at theoutset or certainly before Step 5, then explain the problems with doing so andencourage them to take this step last.

Use supervision

If you are not sure how to respond to your clients' errors whencompleting the ABCD form, then take these issues to your RECBTsupervisor. In addition, I suggest that you take to supervision arandom selection of your clients' completed forms since you maynot spot a number of your clients' errors. Your supervisor will takea form and ask you to identify your clients' errors and how youresponded to them. If you fail to spot errors, your supervisor willpoint these out to you.

Quick reference guide to the eightemotional problems and their healthyalternatives

This appendix comprises a guide to each of the eight emotional problemsand their healthy alternatives.

7

ANXIETY VS. CONCERN

Adversity You are facing a threat to your personal domain

Belief Irrational Rational

Emotion Anxiety Concern

Behaviour You avoid the threatYou withdraw physically fromthe threatYou ward off the threat (e.g. byrituals or superstitiousbehaviour)You try to neutralise the threat(e.g. by being nice to people ofwhom you are afraid)You distract yourself from thethreat by engaging in otheractivityYou keep checking on thecurrent status of the threathoping to ®nd that it hasdisappeared or become benignYou seek reassurance fromothers that the threat is benignYou seek support from othersso that if the threat happensthey will handle it or be there torescue youYou overprepare in order tominimise the threat happeningor so that you are prepared tomeet it (NB it is theoverpreparation that is theproblem here)You tranquillise your feelings sothat you don't think about thethreatYou overcompensate for feelingvulnerable by seeking out aneven greater threat to prove toyourself that you can cope

You face up to the threatwithout using any safety-seeking measuresYou take constructiveaction to deal with thethreatYou seek support fromothers to help you face upto the threat and then takeconstructive action byyourself rather than relyon them to handle it foryou or to be there torescue youYou prepare to meet thethreat but do notoverprepare

Subsequentthinking

Threat-exaggerating thinkingYou overestimate the probabilityof the threat occurringYou underestimate your abilityto cope with the threatYou ruminate about the threatYou create an even morenegative threat in your mindYou magnify the negativeconsequences of the threat andminimise its positiveconsequencesYou have more task-irrelevantthoughts than in concern

Safety-seeking thinkingYou withdraw mentally from thethreatYou try to persuade yourselfthat the threat is not imminentand that you are `imagining' itYou think in ways designed toreassure yourself that the threatis benign or if not, that itsconsequences will beinsigni®cantYou distract yourself from thethreat e.g. by focusing onmental scenes of safety andwell-beingYou overprepare mentally inorder to minimise the threathappening or so that you areprepared to meet it (NB onceagain it is the overpreparationthat is the problem here)You picture yourself dealingwith the threat in a masterfulwayYou overcompensate for yourfeeling of vulnerability bypicturing yourself dealingeffectively with an even biggerthreat.

You are realistic about theprobability of the threatoccurringYou view the threatrealisticallyYou realistically appraiseyour ability to cope withthe threatYou think about what todo concerning dealingwith threat constructivelyrather than ruminateabout the threatYou have more task-relevant thoughts than inanxiety

DEPRESSION VS. SADNESS

Adversity You have experienced a loss from the sociotropic and/orautonomous realms of your personal domainYou have experienced failure within the sociotropic and/orautonomous realms of your personal domainYou or others have experienced an undeserved plight


Emotion Depression Sadness

Behaviour You become overly dependenton and seek to cling to others(particularly in sociotropicdepression)You bemoan your fate or that ofothers to anyone who will listen(particularly in pity baseddepression)You create an environmentconsistent with your depressedfeelingsYou attempt to terminatefeelings of depression in self-destructive ways

You seek outreinforcements after aperiod of mourning(particularly when yourinferential theme is loss)You create anenvironment inconsistentwith depressed feelingsYou express your feelingsabout the loss, failure orundeserved plight and talkin a non-complaining wayabout these feelings tosigni®cant others

Subsequentthinking

You see only negative aspectsof the loss, failure orundeserved plightYou think of other losses,failures and undeserved plightsthat you (and in the case of thelatter, others) have experiencedYou think you are unable to helpyourself (helplessness)You see only pain and blacknessin the future (hopelessness)You see yourself being totallydependent on others (inautonomous depression)You see yourself as beingdisconnected from others (insociotropic depression)You see the world as full ofundeservedness and unfairness(in plight based depression)You tend to ruminateconcerning the source of yourdepression and itsconsequences

You are able to recogniseboth negative and positiveaspects of the loss orfailure

You think you are able tohelp yourself

You look to the futurewith hope

GUILT VS. REMORSE

Adversity You have broken your moral codeYou have failed to live up to your moral codeYou have hurt someone's feelings


Emotion Guilt Remorse

Behaviour You escape from the unhealthypain of guilt in self-defeatingwaysYou beg forgiveness from theperson you have wrongedYou promise unrealistically thatyou will not `sin' againYou punish yourself physicallyor by deprivationYou defensively disclaimresponsibility for wrongdoingYou reject offers of forgiveness

You face up to the healthypain that accompanies therealisation that you havesinnedYou ask, but do not beg,for forgivenessYou understand thereasons for yourwrongdoing and act onyour understandingYou atone for the sin bytaking a penaltyYou make appropriateamendsYou do not make excusesfor your behaviour orenact other defensivebehaviourYou do accept offers offorgiveness

Subsequentthinking

You conclude that you havede®nitely committed the sinYou assume more personalresponsibility than the situationwarrantsYou assign far lessresponsibility to others than iswarrantedYou dismiss possible mitigatingfactors for your behaviourYou see your behaviour only in aguilt related context and fail toput it into an overall contextYou think you may be penalisedrather than receive retribution

You take into account allrelevant data whenjudging whether or notyou have `sinned'You assume anappropriate level ofpersonal responsibilityYou assign an appropriatelevel of responsibility toothersYou take into accountmitigating factorsYou put your behaviourinto overall contextYou think that you willreceive retribution

SHAME VS. DISAPPOINTMENT

Adversity Something highly negative has been revealed about you (orabout a group with whom you identify) by yourself or by othersYou have acted in a way that falls very short of your idealOthers look down on or shun you (or a group with whom youidentify) or you think that they do


Emotion Shame Disappointment

Behaviour You remove yourself from the`gaze' of othersYou isolate yourself from othersYou save face by attackingother(s) who have `shamed' youYou defend your threatenedself-esteem in self-defeatingwaysYou ignore attempts by othersto restore social equilibrium

You continue toparticipate actively insocial interactionYou respond positively toattempts of others torestore social equilibrium

Subsequentthinking

You overestimate the negativityof the information revealedYou overestimate the likelihoodthat the judging group willnotice or be interested in theinformationYou overestimate the degree ofdisapproval you (or yourreference group) will receiveYou overestimate how long anydisapproval will last

You see the informationrevealed in acompassionate self-accepting contextYou are realistic about thelikelihood that the judginggroup will notice or beinterested in theinformation revealedYou are realistic about thedegree of disapproval self(or reference group) willreceiveYou are realistic abouthow long any disapprovalwill last

HURT VS. SORROW

Adversity Others treat you badly (and you think you do not deserve suchtreatment)You think that the other person has devalued your relationship(i.e. someone indicates that their relationship with you is lessimportant to them than the relationship is to you)


Emotion Hurt Sorrow

Behaviour You stop communicating withthe other personYou sulk and make obvious youfeel hurt without disclosingdetails of the matterYou indirectly criticise orpunish the other person for theiroffence

You communicate yourfeelings to the otherdirectlyYou request that the otherperson acts in a fairermanner towards you

Subsequentthinking

You overestimate the unfairnessof the other person's behaviourYou think that the other persondoes not care for you or isindifferent to youYou see yourself as alone,uncared for or misunderstoodYou tend to think of past `hurts'

You are realistic about thedegree of unfairness inthe other person'sbehaviourYou think that the otherperson has acted badlyrather than asdemonstrating lack ofcaring or indifferenceYou see yourself as beingin a poor situation, butstill connected to, caredfor by and understood byothers not directlyinvolved in the situationIf you think of past hurts,you do so with lessfrequency and lessintensity than when youfeel hurtYou are open to the ideaof making the ®rst movetowards the other person

UNHEALTHY ANGER VS. HEALTHY ANGER

Adversity You think that you have been frustrated in some wayYour movement towards an important goal has beenobstructed in some waySomeone has transgressed one of your personal rulesYou have transgressed one of your own personal rulesSomeone or something has threatened your self-esteem


Emotion Unhealthy anger Healthy anger

Behaviour You attack the other(s)physicallyYou attack the other(s) verballyYou attack the other(s) passive-aggressivelyYou displace the attack on toanother person, animal or objectYou withdraw aggressivelyYou recruit allies against theother(s)

You assert yourself withthe other(s)You request, but do notdemand, behaviouralchange from the other(s)You leave anunsatisfactory situationnon-aggressively aftertaking steps to deal with it

Subsequentthinking

You overestimate the extent towhich the other(s) acteddeliberatelyYou see malicious intent in themotives of the other(s)You see yourself as de®nitelyright and the other(s) asde®nitely wrongYou are unable to see the pointof view of the other(s)You plot to exact revengeYou ruminate about the other'sbehaviour and imagine comingout on top

You think that the other(s)may have acteddeliberately, but you alsorecognise that this maynot have been the caseYou think that other(s)may have had maliciousintent in their motives, butyou also recognise thatthis may not have beenthe caseYou think that you areprobably rather thande®nitely right and theother(s) as probablyrather than de®nitelywrongYou are able to see thepoint of view of theother(s)You have ¯eeting ratherthan sustained thoughtsto exact revenge

UNHEALTHY JEALOUSY VS. HEALTHYJEALOUSY

Adversity A threat is posed to your relationship with your partner from athird personA threat is posed by uncertainty you face concerning yourpartner's whereabouts, behaviour or thinking in the context ofthe ®rst threat


Emotion Unhealthy jealousy Healthy jealousy

Behaviour You seek constant reassurancethat you are lovedYou monitor the actions andfeelings of your partnerYou search for evidence thatyour partner is involved withsomeone elseYou attempt to restrict themovements or activities of yourpartnerYou set tests which your partnerhas to passYou retaliate for your partner'spresumed in®delityYou sulk

You allow your partner toinitiate expressing lovefor you without promptinghim or her or seekingreassurance once yourpartner has done soYou allow your partnerfreedom withoutmonitoring his or herfeelings, actions andwhereaboutsYou allow your partner toshow natural sexualinterest in others withoutsetting tests

Subsequentthinking

You exaggerate any threat toyour relationship that does existYou think the loss of yourrelationship is imminentYou misconstrue your partner'sordinary conversations withrelevant others as havingromantic or sexual connotationsYou construct visual images ofyour partner's in®delityIf your partner admits to ®ndinganother person attractive, youthink that your partner ®nds thatperson more attractive than youand that he or she will leave youfor this other person

You tend not toexaggerate any threat toyour relationship thatdoes existYou do not misconstrueordinary conversationsbetween your partner andother peopleYou do not constructvisual images of yourpartner's in®delityYou accept that yourpartner will ®nd othersattractive but you do notsee this as a threat

UNHEALTHY ENVY VS. HEALTHY ENVY

Adversity Another person possesses and enjoys something desirablethat you do not have


Emotion Unhealthy envy Healthy envy

Behaviour You disparage verbally to othersthe person who has the desiredpossessionYou disparage verbally thedesired possession to othersIf you had the chance you wouldtake away the desiredpossession from the other(either so that you will have it orso that the other is deprived ofit)If you had the chance you wouldspoil or destroy the desiredpossession so that the otherperson does not have it

You strive to obtain thedesired possession if it istruly what you want

Subsequentthinking

You tend to denigrate in yourmind the value of the desiredpossession and/or the personwho possesses itYou try to convince yourself thatyou are happy with yourpossessions (although you arenot)You think about how to acquirethe desired possessionregardless of its usefulnessYou think about how to deprivethe other person of the desiredpossessionYou think about how to spoil ordestroy the other's desiredpossession

You honestly admit toyourself that you desirethe desired possessionYou are honest withyourself if you are nothappy with yourpossessions, rather thandefensively trying toconvince yourself that youare happy with them whenyou are notYou think about how toobtain the desiredpossession because youdesire it for healthyreasonsYou can allow the otherperson to have and enjoythe desired possessionwithout denigrating thatperson or the possession

Index

ÀBC' model 19, 20; anger 183; anxiety 31;depression 63; envy 243; guilt 93;jealousy 213; shame 124

ABCD form 281±2; errors made in using283±8

absence of emotion, client's desire for 3;anger 189; anxiety 35; depression 67;envy 246; errors in setting goals 285±6;guilt 96±7; hurt 157; jealousy 217;shame 128

acceptance beliefs 11, 13±15; anger 184,191±2, 204; anxiety 38; depression 70;envy 250, 261; guilt 88, 92, 99, 101±3,104; hurt 160; jealousy 221; shame119, 122, 123, 129, 131, 132±5, 136;true, logical and healthy nature of279±80

action tendencies 18±19, 20±1; anger 187;anxiety 24±6, 34; concern 35±6;depression 66; envy 245; guilt 96;jealousy 216; overt behaviourdistinction 109; shame 127; see alsobehaviour

activity 62adversity (À') 2, 16±17; ABCD form 281±2;

anger 179, 296; anxiety 290; associatedbehaviour 18±19; associated thinking19±20; depression 292; envy 255±6,298; errors in identi®cation 283±4;guilt 293; hurt 166, 295; inferencethemes 17; jealousy 226±7, 297; re-examination of 281, 282, 287; shame136±7, 294

all-or-none thinking 268always and never thinking 270anger (healthy) 4, 179, 184, 296; associated

thinking 19±20; development of non-anger worldview 205±6; goals 188±90;imagery techniques 197; negative

connotations of 182; power andassertiveness 182; rational beliefs177±8, 200; strength of 182; unhealthyanger distinction 181

anger (unhealthy) 1, 176±206, 296; ABCDform 201; action tendencies 18;assessment of emotional problemsabout 203±5; associated behaviour178±9, 187, 296; associated thinking179±80, 188, 200, 296; development ofnon-anger worldview 205±6;generalisation of learning 199±201;healthy anger distinction 181; imagerytechniques 196±7, 200; inferencethemes 176±7, 184±7; irrational beliefs177±8; language used to describe 176;overestimation of disrespect 202±3;positive connotations of 182; steps todeal with 180±201

anxiety 1, 22±55, 290±1; ABCD form 48;assessment of emotional problemsabout 51±4; associated behaviour24±6, 34, 290; associated thinking26±9, 34, 290; development of non-anxious worldview 54±5;distinguishing between emotionalproblems and healthy alternatives17±18; emotional vacuums 3;generalisation of learning 47±8;imagery techniques 43±4; inferencethemes 16, 23, 285; irrational beliefs23±4; language used to describe 22;overestimation of threat 49±50; stepsto deal with 29±48; see also concern

àspect evaluation' component 14àsserted acceptance' component 14àsserted badness' component 12àsserted preference' component 11àsserted struggle' component 13

assertiveness 182, 197±8, 200attribution, realistic 272autonomous depression 57, 60, 64±5, 83awfulising beliefs 7±8; anger 177; anxiety

24, 38; depression 58, 70; envy 238;false, illogical and unhealthy nature of274±5; hurt 149

balanced thinking 20, 21, 268±72, 285;anger 198; anxiety 45; concern 190;depression 76; disappointment 129;discomfort tolerance beliefs 277;¯exible beliefs 273; healthy envy 248,265; healthy jealousy 219, 236; hurt175; non-awfulising beliefs 275;remorse 98; shame 138; sorrow 158;unconditional acceptance beliefs 279

Beck, Aaron T. 6, 15behaviour 18±19; ABCD form 281; anxiety

24±6, 34, 290; concern 35±6, 290;depression 59, 66, 292;disappointment 128±9, 294; guilt89±90, 96, 293; healthy anger 189,296; healthy envy 247, 298; healthyjealousy 218±19, 297; hurt 150, 156,295; remorse 97±8, 293; sadness 68,292; shame 119±20, 127, 294; sorrow157±8, 295; unhealthy anger 178±9,187, 296; unhealthy envy 239±40, 245,298; unhealthy jealousy 209±10, 216,297

`best bet' 16blame see self-blameBurns, David 19

calmness 35, 189CBT see cognitive behaviour therapy`challenging, but not overwhelming'

principle: anger 197; anxiety 44, 45,52, 53; depression 76, 77; envy 256;guilt 105±6; hurt 166; jealousy 227;shame 137

checking out one's thoughts 270chronic envy 249, 262±3chronic guilt 110±11chronic hurt 171±2, 174chronic jealousy 208, 220, 232±4chronic shame 140, 141±3, 146

cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) 5±6cognitive-emotive reasoning 248±9; anger

180; depression 60; envy 241; guilt 90;hurt 151; jealousy 211, 220; shame121

comfort area 15complexity of experiences 269concern 4, 23±4, 30, 290±1; distinguishing

between emotional problems andhealthy alternatives 17±18; goals 34±7;imagery techniques 44; rational beliefs47; threat inferences 16

con®dence 45cost-bene®t analysis: anxiety 30; guilt 92;

hurt 152; jealousy 212; shame 123

depreciation beliefs 7, 9±10; anger 177,191±2; depression 58, 70; envy 238,249, 259±60; errors in identi®cation286; false, illogical and unhealthynature of 279±80; guilt 99; hurt 149;jealousy 208, 221, 232; shame 118,119, 123, 124, 130, 145

depression 1, 56±86, 292; ABCD form 80;assessment of emotional problemsabout 82±5; associated behaviour 59,66, 292; associated thinking 60±1,66±7, 292; clinical 56n1; developmentof non-depressed worldview 85±6;focus on loss, failure, and undeservedplight 80±2; generalisation of learning78±9; imagery techniques 75±6;inference themes 57, 64±6; irrationalbeliefs 57±9; language used to describe56; personal domain 56±7; self-angerdistinction 185; steps to deal with61±79; see also sadness

deservingness 57, 83; see also undeservedplight

desires 7devaluation of relationships 148, 156±60,

165±6, 170±3dialogue 106, 167disappointment 4, 118, 123, 294; goals

127±30; imagery techniques 137;rational beliefs 119, 138, 139, 141, 143

disapproval: depression 64; fear of 23, 32,38, 47, 49; shame 120, 129, 141, 142

300 Index

discomfort intolerance beliefs 7, 9; anger177, 191±2; anxiety 38; depression 58,70; envy 238, 249, 260; false, illogicaland unhealthy nature of 276±7; hurt159; jealousy 208, 221, 228

discomfort tolerance beliefs 11, 12±13;anger 191±2; anxiety 38; depression70, 77; envy 250, 260; hurt 160;jealousy 221; true, logical and healthynature of 276±7

disquali®cation of positive experiences 269disrespect 177±8, 183, 185, 186±7, 188,

202±3distorted thinking 20; anger 197, 198;

anxiety 37, 44, 45; awfulising beliefs275; depreciation beliefs 279;depression 75, 76, 79; discomfortintolerance beliefs 277; envy 248, 255,258; guilt 105, 108; hurt 166, 169;jealousy 227, 230; rigid beliefs 273;shame 129±30, 137, 139; see alsothinking errors

divine forgiveness 93±4double penalty 153±4, 184, 214Dryden's Invitation Technique 144

ego anger 177ego anxiety 24, 53, 149ego area 15ego depression 58, 83ego envy 238, 249, 250, 258, 259±60, 261Ellis, Albert 5emotional pain 51, 52emotional problems 1±2; anger 203±5;

anxiety 51±4; depression 82±5;distinguishing between emotionalproblems and healthy alternatives17±21; envy 264±5; guilt 114±15;healthy alternatives to 2±5, 10±15;hurt 173±4; irrational beliefs 6±10;jealousy 234±5; rational beliefs 10±15;shame 144±6

emotional reasoning 220, 248±9, 271emotional vacuums 3; see also absence of

emotionenvy (healthy) 4, 238, 242, 298; goals

246±8; imagery techniques 255;making healthy comparisons 261±2;

non-envious worldview 265; rationalbeliefs 239, 249, 258, 263

envy (unhealthy) 1, 237±66, 298; ABCDform 259; assessment of emotionalproblems about 264±5; associatedbehaviour 239±40, 245, 298; associatedthinking 240±1, 245, 298; chronic 249,262±3; development of non-enviousworldview 265±6; evidence ofdisturbance 248±9; generalisation oflearning 258±9; imagery techniques255±6; inference themes 237±8,243±5; irrational beliefs 238±9;language used to describe 237; makinghealthy comparisons 261±2;rethinking the place of objects 259±61;steps to deal with 241±58; strength ofdesire for prized object 264

Epictetus 6exercise 62extreme beliefs 7±10, 17; anger 177, 191,

193±6; anxiety 24, 31, 38, 40±3;depression 58, 62, 70, 72±4; envy 238,242, 249, 252±4; guilt 88, 92, 99; hurt149, 153, 159, 161±4; jealousy 208,209, 213, 221, 223±6; shame 118, 119,123, 130, 136; see also irrational beliefs;rigid beliefs

facts, sticking to the 268failure: depression 60±1, 64, 67±9, 75±9,

80±2, 83, 85; fear of 32, 47±8¯exible beliefs 11, 17; anger 177, 193±5,

203; anxiety 24, 38, 40±2; certainty 46;depression 58, 70, 72±4, 82; envy 250,260, 263; guilt 99, 101±3, 104, 111;hurt 160, 161±3; jealousy 209, 221,223±5; shame 119, 132±4, 136, 143;true, logical and healthy nature of273±4; see also non-extreme beliefs;rational beliefs

forgiveness 89, 93±4, 97, 106fortune telling 270frustration 200, 203future, anticipation of the 270

`general' and `speci®c' approaches: anger192±3; anxiety 39; depression 70±1;

301Index

envy 251; guilt 100; hurt 160±1;jealousy 222; shame 131±2

generalisation, realistic 269generalised anxiety 23Gilbert, Paul 113goals: ABCD form 281; anger 188±90, 199;

anxiety 34±7, 47; depression 67±9, 78;envy 246±8, 256, 258; errors in setting285±6; guilt 96±9, 107; hurt 156±9,169; jealousy 217±20, 228, 230; shame127±30, 139

guilt 1, 87±116, 293; ABCD form 108;assessment of emotional problemsabout 114±15; associated behaviour89±90, 96, 293; associated thinking90±1, 96, 293; chronic 110±11;development of non-guilty worldview115±16; ego area 15; generalisation oflearning 107±8; healthy self-care111±12; hidden conceit 112±13;imagery techniques 105±6; inferencethemes 87±8, 94±5; irrational beliefs88±9; language used to describe 87;safety-seeking measures 109±10; self-anger distinction 185; shamedistinction 117; steps to deal with91±108; see also remorse

health anxiety 23healthy negative emotions (HNEs) 4±5, 17,

181; discomfort tolerance beliefs 277;distinguishing between emotionalproblems and healthy alternatives17±21; errors in setting goals 285±6;¯exible beliefs 273; non-awfulisingbeliefs 277; unconditional acceptancebeliefs 279

healthy self-care 111±12, 116helplessness 60, 112high standards 135±6, 139, 142HNEs see healthy negative emotionshopelessness: anxiety 31; depression 60, 63,

77; guilt 93; shame 124hunches 268hurt 1, 148±75, 295; ABCD form 169;

assessment of emotional problemsabout 173±4; associated behaviour150, 156, 295; associated thinking

150±2, 156, 295; chronic 171±2, 174;development of non-hurt worldview174±5; generalisation of learning168±9; imagery techniques 165±6;inference themes 148±9, 154±5;irrational beliefs 149±50; languageused to describe 148; reciprocity inrelationships 164±5; safety-seekingmeasures 170±1; steps to deal with152±69; see also sorrow

hurting others' feelings 87±8, 92, 94, 96±9,105±11, 113±16

`I', Individual and Socially De®ned 143±4imagery techniques: anger 196±7, 200;

anxiety 43±4; depression 75±6; envy255±6; guilt 105±6; hurt 165±6;jealousy 226±7; shame 136±7

indifference 2±3; anxiety 35; depression 68,97; envy 246±7; hurt 157; jealousy218; shame 128

Individual `I' 143±4inference themes 16±18, 20±1; anger

176±7, 184±7, 191, 197, 201; anxiety23; depression 57, 64±6; envy 237±8,243±5; errors in identi®cation 284;guilt 87±8, 94±5; hurt 148±9, 154±5;jealousy 207±8, 214±16; shame 118,125±6

inferences 15±16; anger 179, 185±6, 201,203; anxiety 49, 50; depression 81;errors in identi®cation 283; guilt110±11, 113; hurt 170, 172±3; jealousy234; shame 118, 120, 140±1, 142;unfairness 262

intensity of emotion 3±4; anger 189;anxiety 35; depression 67, 97; envy246; errors in setting goals 285; hurt157; jealousy 218; shame 128

Invitation Technique 144irrational beliefs 6±10; ABCD form 281;

anger 177±8, 183, 189±91, 193±8,199±200, 202, 205; anxiety 23±4, 26,29, 31, 36, 37±43, 47±50, 54;associated behaviour 19; associatedthinking 19±20; depression 57±9,60±1, 69±71, 72±5, 77, 78±84;distinguishing between emotional

302 Index

problems and healthy alternatives17±18, 20; envy 238±9, 241, 243,247±50, 252±6, 258, 262±3; errors inidenti®cation 285±6; guilt 88±9, 90±1,93, 98±105, 107±10, 112±14, 115; hurt149±50, 151±2, 157±64, 165, 169, 171,174; jealousy 208±9, 211, 213, 218,220±6, 230, 232±3, 235; re-examination of adversity 287; self-control 35; shame 118±19, 120±1,124±5, 129±30, 132±6, 139, 141±2,146; see also extreme beliefs; rigidbeliefs

jealousy (healthy) 4, 208, 212±13, 297;goals 217±20; imagery techniques 227;non-jealous worldview 236; rationalbeliefs 209, 230, 231±2, 233

jealousy (unhealthy) 1, 207±36, 297; ABCDform 230±1; assessment of emotionalproblems about 234±5; associatedbehaviour 209±10, 216, 297; associatedthinking 210±11, 217, 297; chronic208, 220, 232±4; development of non-jealous worldview 235±6; evidence ofdisturbance 220; generalisation oflearning 229±30; imagery techniques226±7; inference themes 207±8,214±16; irrational beliefs 208±9;language used to describe 207; safety-seeking measures 231±2; steps to dealwith 212±30

jumping to conclusions 268

language: anger 176; anxiety 22, 23;depression 56; envy 237; guilt 87; hurt148; jealousy 207; shame 117, 122

`less me' hurt 149, 159life-acceptance beliefs 14; anger 191±2;

anxiety 38; depression 70life-depreciation beliefs 10; anger 191±2;

anxiety 38; depression 70; hurt 149loss 60±1, 67±9, 75±9, 80±2, 83, 85

`magic question' technique 284±6; anger186; anxiety 33; depression 65±6; envy244; guilt 95; hurt 154±5; jealousy 215;shame 126

magni®cation 271meta-disturbance: anger 203±5; anxiety

51±4; depression 82±5; envy 264±5;guilt 114±15; hurt 173; jealousy234±5; shame 144±6

mind reading 270minimisation 271moral code, breaking or failing to live up to

one's 87, 92, 94, 99, 105±6, 107±8,109±11

multi-category thinking 268

`negated awfulising' component 12`negated depreciation' component 14`negated rigid' component 11`negated unbearability' component 13negative thinking 269neutral emotions 2±3non-awfulising beliefs 11±12; anxiety 38,

39; depression 70; true, logical andhealthy nature of 274±5

non-ego anger 177non-ego anxiety 24, 52non-ego depression 58, 83±4non-ego envy 238, 249, 250, 260, 261±2non-ego hurt 149non-engagement with thoughts 28±9non-extreme beliefs 11±15, 17; anger

191, 193±6; anxiety 24, 38±9, 40±3;depression 58, 70, 72±4; envy252±4; guilt 88, 99; hurt 161±4;jealousy 209, 223±6; shame 119;see also ¯exible beliefs; rationalbeliefs

objects: anger towards 186, 191; envy237±8, 244, 247±9, 250, 259±61,263±4, 265±6

optimism 69other-acceptance beliefs 14; anger 191±2;

anxiety 38; depression 70other-depreciation beliefs 9; anger 191;

anxiety 38; depression 70others, anger towards 185overcompensation 25, 27overestimation of disrespect 202±3overestimation of threat 27, 49±50overgeneralisation 269

303Index

overt behaviour 18; action tendenciesdistinction 109; anger 187; anxiety 34;depression 66; envy 245; guilt 96; hurt156; jealousy 216; shame 127

panic 23part-whole error 280person focused envy 238, 244, 250, 258,

261±2personal domain 15, 16; depression 56±7;

envy 237±8; guilt 87; jealousy 207±8;shame 118

personal weakness: anxiety 51, 53; hurt154; jealousy 214; shame 124±5

personalisation 272persuasive arguments 43, 287±8pity-based depression see undeserved

plight`poor me' hurt 149, 159positive emotions 2positive experiences 269positive thinking 286power 182promises, keeping 192public speaking anxiety 23

questioning of beliefs: anger 193±6, 200,202; anxiety 40±3, 47, 50; depression72±5, 79, 81; envy 252±5, 258; guilt101±4, 108; hurt 161±4, 169; jealousy223±6, 230; shame 129, 132±5, 139,145

rational beliefs 10±15; ABCD form 281;anger 178, 189±90, 191±8, 200,202±3, 206; anxiety 24, 36, 38±9,40±4, 47±52, 54; associatedbehaviour 19; associated thinking19; depression 58, 59, 69±75, 78±9,81, 83±4; distinguishing betweenemotional problems and healthyalternatives 17±18, 21; envy 239,249, 250±6, 260, 263, 265; failure tonegate irrational belief 287; guilt88±9, 93, 98±105, 107±11, 116;healthy self-care 112; hurt 149±50,157, 159±66, 168±72, 175; jealousy209, 221±8, 233, 236; shame

118±19, 129, 131±6, 139, 141±3,147; see also ¯exible beliefs; non-extreme beliefs

rational emotive behaviour therapy (REBT)5±6

rational-emotive cognitive behaviourtherapy (RECBT) 5±15; `ABC' model19, 20, 31, 63, 93, 124, 183, 213, 243;anger 176, 183, 184; anxiety 22, 30, 31;depression 56, 57, 62, 63; envy 237,238, 242, 243; guilt 87, 88, 92, 93, 113;high standards 136; hurt 153; jealousy207, 213, 214; language used 22, 23;responsibility 104; shame 123, 124,144; unconditional self-acceptance260

realistic attribution 272realistic perspective 20, 21, 271, 286; anger

198; anxiety 45; concern 190;depression 76; disappointment 129;discomfort tolerance beliefs 277;¯exible beliefs 273; healthy envy 248,265; healthy jealousy 219, 236; hurt175; non-awfulising beliefs 275;remorse 98; shame 138; sorrow 158;unconditional acceptance beliefs 279

REBT see rational emotive behaviourtherapy

RECBT see rational-emotive cognitivebehaviour therapy

reciprocity in relationships 164±5, 172, 174rehearsal: anger 196±7, 198, 200; anxiety

43, 44, 47; depression 75, 76, 79; envy255±6; guilt 105; hurt 165±6; jealousy227; shame 136, 137

religious beliefs 93±4remorse 4, 87, 91±2, 293; chronic guilt 111;

goals 96±9; imagery techniques 105;productive dialogue 106; rationalbeliefs 88, 93, 107±8, 109, 114; takingresponsibility for behaviour 104

responsibility: anger 183±4, 204; anxiety31±2; depression 62±4; envy 242±3;guilt 89, 92±4, 104±5, 106, 108, 114,116; hurt 153±4; jealousy 213±14;obstacles to accepting 31±2, 63±4,93±4, 124±5, 153±4, 183±4, 213±14,243; shame 123±5

304 Index

revenge 180, 188rigid beliefs 6±7, 17; anger 177, 191, 193±5,

203; anxiety 24, 31, 38, 40±2;depression 58, 62, 70, 72±4, 82; envy238, 242, 249, 252±4, 260, 262; errorsin identi®cation 286±7; false, illogicaland unhealthy nature of 273±4; guilt88, 92, 99, 101±3, 111; hurt 149, 153,159, 161±3; jealousy 208, 209, 213,221, 223±5; self-control 35; shame118, 119, 123, 132±4, 136, 143, 145;uncertainty 46; see also extreme beliefs;irrational beliefs

risk taking 109, 140, 141, 170role-depreciation 287rumination 27, 60, 180

sadness 4, 58, 292; advantages anddisadvantages 61±2; goals 67±9;imagery techniques 75; rational beliefs78, 79

safety-seeking behaviour: anxiety 25±6, 34,36, 43±4; errors in setting goals 286;guilt 109±10; hurt 170±1; jealousy231±2; shame 140±1

safety-seeking thinking 27±9, 37, 286,291

self-acceptance beliefs 14; anger 184,191±2, 204; anxiety 38; depression 70;envy 250, 260, 261; guilt 88, 92, 99,101±3, 104; hurt 160; jealousy 221;shame 119, 122, 123, 129, 131, 132±5,136

self-anger 185, 204self-blame: anger 183±4, 204; anxiety 31;

depression 63; envy 242±3; guilt 93,114; jealousy 213

self-care 111±12, 116self-compassion 113self-control, loss of 23, 32, 35, 38±9, 45±6,

51, 52±3, 55, 65, 198self-depreciation beliefs 9; anger 177, 191;

anxiety 24, 38; depression 58, 70; envy238, 249, 259±60; errors inidenti®cation 287; guilt 88, 99, 101±3;hurt 149, 159; jealousy 208, 221, 232;shame 118, 119, 123, 124, 130, 132±5,145

self-esteem: anger due to threats to 177,185, 191, 196, 203; anxiety 32, 38;depression 70; envy 259±60, 261;shame 120, 243

self-pity 31, 63, 159shame 1, 117±47, 294; ABCD form 139±40;

assessment of emotional problemsabout 144±6; associated behaviour119±20, 127, 294; associated thinking120±1, 127, 294; chronic 140, 141±3,146; development of non-shameworldview 146±7; ego area 15; envyand 242, 243; generalisation oflearning 139; guilt distinction 117;healthy orientation to high standards135±6; hurt-related dialogue 167;imagery techniques 136±7; Individualand Socially De®ned `I' 143±4;inference themes 118, 125±6;irrational beliefs 118±19; languageused to describe 117, 122; safety-seeking measures 140±1; self-angerdistinction 185; steps to deal with121±39; see also disappointment

social anxiety 23Socially De®ned `I' 143±4sociotropic depression 57, 60, 64, 83sorrow 4, 152±3, 295; disclosure of 167,

169; goals 156±9; imagery techniques166; rational beliefs 149, 160, 169;reciprocity in relationships 165

sound reasoning 271sticking to the facts 268supervision 288

test anxiety 23themes see inference themesthinking 19±20, 21; ABCD form 281;

anxiety 26±9, 34, 291; concern 36±7,291; depression 60±1, 66±7, 292;disappointment 129±30, 294; guilt90±1, 96, 293; healthy anger 190, 296;healthy envy 247±8, 298; healthyjealousy 219±20, 297; hurt 150±2, 156,295; remorse 98±9, 293; sadness 68±9,292; shame 120±1, 127, 294; sorrow158±9, 295; unhealthy anger 179±80,188, 200, 296; unhealthy envy 240±1,

305Index

245, 298; unhealthy jealousy 210±11,217, 297; see also balanced thinking;distorted thinking

thinking errors 19, 268±72; anger 179;anxiety 26; depression 60; envy 240,248±9; hurt 151; jealousy 210, 220;shame 120; see also distorted thinking

threat-based inference themes 16, 17threat-exaggerating thinking 26±7, 29, 291trust 55, 86, 174, 233, 236

uncertainty: anxiety 32, 46, 49±50, 55;depression 81; jealousy 208, 217, 218,221±2, 226±7, 230, 232±3

unconditional acceptance beliefs 13±15;anger 184, 191±2, 204; depression 70;envy 260, 261; guilt 88, 92, 99, 101±3,104; hurt 160; jealousy 221; shame119, 122, 123, 131, 132±5, 136; true,logical and healthy nature of 279±80

undeserved plight 60±1, 65±6, 67±9, 75±9,80±2, 83, 85

UNEs see unhealthy negative emotionsunfairness: depreciation beliefs 10;

depression 60, 70; envy 261±2, 263,265, 266; hurt 151, 158, 164±5, 167,170±1, 174

unhealthy negative emotions (UNEs) 1±2,17, 181; awfulising beliefs 275;depreciation beliefs 279; discomfortintolerance beliefs 277; errors inidenti®cation 283; errors in settinggoals 285±6; rigid beliefs 273; see alsoemotional problems

West, Mae 10world views: angry/non-angry 205±6;

anxious/non-anxious 54±5; depressed/non-depressed 85±6; envious/non-envious 265±6; guilty/non-guilty115±16; hurt/non-hurt 174±5; jealous/non-jealous 235±6; shame/non-shame146±7

`worth it' component 13

306 Index

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