8/6/2019 Etiquette of Failing

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Failing is an art form. In the same way that it takes a master artist to create a work of

genius, that inspires millions. It takes a master failure to fail. Gracefully. To some of us,

failing has become a way of life, a way of protesting the infinite cruelties of life, racism,

sexism and many other important issues. But alas, we are stereotyped like the hippies of the

past."

The only difference is we are hippies of the present.

But we don't come in floral shirts and long un-shampooed hair. Every March and August,

you'll find us in cafes, in front of computers waiting anxiously for our results. And you'll see

us in our prime. We fail so spectacularly that people will often lose their ability of speech

around us. Example:

Dad: What.... Maths? Ki? Marks? What?

Mom: ... ... Is that good?

Us: NOOOOOO!

Us: I wish this was the Harry Potter world, where grades were according to words. E:

EXCELLENT! Woo hoo.

You see.

The fact of the matter is, you _can't_ just fail. As we've said, it's an art form. You've got to

follow an acceptable norm on failing. Everybody can simply fail. But, to fail gracefully, to

smoothen the transition between loser to master failure... Now, that takes work.

Blubbering incoherently while your Dad grimaqces, meeting your friends and then crying on

their shoulders, locking yourself up and threatening suicide, these are all unacceptable. And

quite frankly, disgraceful, you n00bs give us pros a bad name. There has to be style akin to

James Bond crashing his Aston, there has to be glamour and glitz and above all, art.

Indeed. Art. It's so zen, it's very beautiful, you see. The way you fail, it'll be more than

enough to set people over the edge, leaving them in awe, a catatonic shocked stage of mind

numbing disappointment -- they won't pester you with silly things like excuses and reasons.

But, this doesn't mean you'll ignore it, too. YOU must make sure that they understand,

through the general unfairness of the universe, it's... just not your fault.

And my fellow failures, because we have suffered as you have suffered, because we care

and love you, we have come up with a way to deal with it all, to make it not go away, but at

least to lessen the impact.

The Code of Failure.

1. No crying. Crying only emphasis guilt, or that somehow it was your fault and now

you're regretting something. Even if it is you're fault, keep a stoic face, turn to your

parents and tell them its a conspiracy in the chilliest voice you can manage. That

way, they doubt you less.

8/6/2019 Etiquette of Failing

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Note: Adding venom to your tone towards the education boards sometimes has a cushioning

effect.

2. The two months in between exams and results, always keep a cheerful face with a

happy outlook towards life. As far as your concerned, you're gonna get fudging As.

When the results come and your life suddenly consists of more lesser grades, the

sudden shock that you're not the best will leave you in a sad stupor. Seeing such astupor, those around you will feel bad for you, and won't hassle you with

demeanings. Of course. It's all aplot.

3. I'm sure the examiner was drunk! I mean, what? Unit 1: 25 marks? What do they takeme for?" - The examiner was drunk when he marked your paper. Tell it to the jury

and they'll release you for murder. Tell it your Dad and he'll pay for that recheck. Oh

yeah.

4. Never blame yourself. It's never your fault. No matter what happens, don'tsay, "Damn. It's my fault. What kinda student am I?" That's not right. It goes,"Damn... It's their fault! What kinda unfair world is this!? My genius is not

underappreciated. It's UNappreciated." Don't blame God either. That's literally callingdown lightning on your head. NOR your parents... That's another lightning call. Justblame... everything vaguely in general.

5. The purpose of failing gracefully is not, as some may think, simply failing toprove youre a rebel to the world. But it's failing in such a way that you do notactually fall-- you kinda stumble, or trip on a loose floorboard or rock. And you getback up again, right back where you were. At square one, and once again you can goboth ways. Up. Or down.

6. Karma. Que sera sera. Or something. Since you know perfectly well it wasnt you notstudying that caused this problem, its the universe, the Angel of Failings, and the

damned Lion in the wardrobe drove you mad. Theology and fantasy are always good

ways to divert the attention away from the transcripts and if you're a funny man,

make them laugh, telling that old funny joke about the octopus at the bar and thewhiskey that was horse piss.

7. Life's a paradox, so blame enough people (other than you) and spiritualbeings that after a while, people will take you as a victim of circumstance, a sadcollateral statistic due to the vicissitudes of fate. You are the victim. Everybody elseis the villain.

8. Failing gracefully has the advantage of setting you up for the next failure, or ifneed be, the next success... WHAT?! Of course. That's the whole point of the grace.

You know that saying, "Failure is the pillar of success"? Well, it's true. Even if you dojust a LITTLE better next time, its success, and it's not as bad. Never skyrocket to thetop. That's calling for a lifetime of expectations.

9. Sickness. If you happen to be in bed with jaundice when the results come out,

or better yet when you were giving your exam, things become less sticky. Even if youarent sick, the day before the results, go to Old Dhaka and eat all manners of streetfood so that you get yellows eyes by midmorning10. Dont fail. Pass.

There you are, dear failures. The right way to go, not with a bang, but like the purring of aCorvette. Now you know what to do, it's easier dealing with it, so don't become the dramaqueen (this goes for guys, too. melodramatics suit only females. only barely.)