Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 1

• Conversation is how we relate to others, therefore, it is the basis of relationships

• The quality of our conversations determines the quality of our relationships

Purpose of Conversation

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 2

• Dialogue — The free flow of meaning between two or more people

• The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy

Understanding the Power of Dialogue

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 3

• Effective conversations meet our objectives

• Ineffective conversations do not meet our objectives

Effective Versus Ineffective

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 4

• Social convention/being polite

• Genuine concern

• Looking for feedback

• Changing someone’s mind

• Learning

• Deepening the relationship

• Other?

Conversation Objectives

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 5

1. Opinions vary

2. Stakes are high

3. Emotions run strong

The “Difficult” or “Crucial” Conversation

Important because of the move to collaboration and teamwork where communication is the most valued workplace skill.

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 6

• Talking to a co-worker who behaves offensively

• Asking a co-worker to repay a loan

• Giving the boss feedback about her behaviour

Examples of Difficult Conversations

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• Critiquing a colleague’s work

• Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments

• Confronting a colleague about a substance abuse issue

• Talking to a co-worker who is hoarding information or resources

• Discussing personal hygiene issues

Examples of Difficult Conversations

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 8

• Broken rules

• Mistakes

• Lack of support

• Incompetence

• Poor teamwork

• Disrespect

• Micromanagement

Issues Likely to Lead to a Difficult Conversation

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 9

1. Notice your own physical signals

2. Notice your emotions

3. Notice behaviours

“Emotional Self-Awareness”

How Do You Spot a Difficult or Crucial Conversation?

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• We avoid them and suffer the consequences (such as fear, mistrust)

How Do We Typically Handle Difficult/Crucial Conversations?

• We face them and handle them poorly and suffer the consequences (such as damaged relationships)

• We face them and handle them well

Do we handle them well? No, we’re usually on our worst behaviour!

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 11

Nothing kills the free flow of meaning like fear, which leads to the fight (violence) or flight (silence) response.

Silence = withholding meaning

Violence = trying to force meaning

Most Common Conversation Errors

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1. What do I really want for myself — what do I value? (For example, to “win” or to be heard.)

2. What do I really want for others — what is my responsibility toward others? (For example, to “lose” or to be respected.)

What Can We Do?Start with Emotional Intelligence

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 13

3. What do I really want for the relationship — as a leader in this organization? (For example, to damage it or deepen it.)

4. How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

What Can We Do?Start with Emotional Intelligence

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 14

1. See/hear

2. Tell a story

3. Feel

4. Act

Understand Your Story

Emotions don’t just happen. They depend on our thoughts, which are based on our beliefs and assumptions.

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 15

1. SHARE your facts

2. TELL your story

3. ASK for others’ paths

4. TALK tentatively

5. ENCOURAGE testing

STATE Your Path

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Case Study

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1. Check out reading materials on effective conversations.

2. Consider coaching for more effective conversations.

Where To From Here?

3. Use the steps to plan for a difficult conversation.

4. Use the 5 keys for having difficult conversations using emotional intelligence!

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1. Know what you want (self-awareness)

2. Take initiative (leadership)

3. Watch for safety (awareness and empathy)

5 Keys to Having Difficult Conversations Using

Emotional Intelligence

4. Master your stories (self-awareness)

5. State your path and encourage others to share their path with you (assertiveness and empathy)

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 19

• Stay in dialogue! Avoid silence and violence!

• Talk so others will listen and listen so others will talk.

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• Why are you having this conversation?

• What is your ideal outcome?

• What outcome are you willing to accept — what is your bottom line?

Know What You Want

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• Take a leadership position

• Do not avoid or procrastinate having a difficult/crucial/ emotional conversation

Take Initiative

• The sooner, the better; however, take the time you need to prepare

• Take the high road — what is the positive/constructive outcome you seek?

Having Difficult Conversations Using Emotional Intelligence — 22

• Use your empathy to pay attention to how others are feeling

• If they feel unsafe, be prepared for silence or violence

• Be ready to step out of the conversation, make it safe, and step back in

Watch for Safety

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• … and encourage others to do the same

• Let others see what’s beneath the surface

• Be a role model for what you’d like to see in others

State Your Path …

• Be transparent about your process

Summary

• Know what you want

• Refuse Suckers’ Choices

• Watch for Safety

• Master Your Stories

• State Your Path and encourage others to share their path with you

 

Stay in Dialogue! Avoid Silence and Violence!

Talk so others will listen and listen so others will talk.

Reflecting on the Learning

•The best ideas I got from the day…

•How these ideas apply to me…

•How these ideas apply to my company…

•What I would like to know more about…

Where to from here?

1) Be part of the solution.2) Consider self-assessment with the EQ-i

2.0 or the EQ-3603) Consider coaching, training, learning

programs related to Emotional Intelligence (subscribe to EQ2GO;-)

4) Obtain resources related to learning more about Emotional Intelligence –We’ll send you an annotated bibliography.

5) Support the idea of Leading with Emotional Intelligence!