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Keeping Romance in Your MarriageBy: Family First Staff

Most married couples can look back fondly on their courtship when they were filled withdesire for one another, and romance was an integral part of their relationship. But manytimes after couples marry and get settled into routines, romance takes a back seat to life.Busyness wears them down and the effort to keep the marriage new and exciting seemstoo great. But when couples reach a point where they want to make a better turn in theirmarriage, they are often at a loss of where to start. What exactly is romance?

What Is Romance?

According to the book Love Is a Decision, by Gary Smalley and John Trent, "Romance isthe act of keeping your courtship alive long after the wedding day. Put another way,romance is an intimate friendship, celebrated with expressions of love reserved only foreach other."

It's a relationship. First begin by thinking of romance not as an event, but as a day-to-dayrelationship. It shouldn't be seen only as foreplay, but as a friendship that continues togrow. It's asking each other about their day, how a hobby or special project is going, oreven just reminiscing together. It's sharing common interests and just taking the time toenjoy each other's company, as best friends.

It's a joint process. Many times a spouse will try to initiate romance with a surprise dinneror a vacation they planned out. But then they are disappointed when the event isn't thedream date or getaway they had imagined. It's not that the recipient isn't appreciative of theeffort, but what is fun or relaxing to one person may not be to the other.

Since most people aren't mind readers, the only way to really know for sure what willimpress your spouse is to ask. What is romantic to you? What is your idea of a dream date- where would you go, how dressed up would you want to be, what kind of restaurant?What kind of vacation would you want to go on - what time of year, where, what kind ofhotel, what kind of activities? Does your wife love art? Take her to a museum or art fair. Isyour husband into the outdoors? Take a hike through the park or go fishing together. Findout what your common interests are and build on them.

It's surprises. Finding out what your spouse thinks is romantic doesn't mean you still can'thave surprises. It doesn't have to be an unexpected date or weekend trip. It couldsomething simple like a note in a briefcase, a favorite meal or dessert, or offering to takeyour spouse to that new movie they've been really wanting to see.

http ://www.family first.net/marriage/romance .htm 7/2 8/2005

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It's consistency. As mentioned before, romance isn't just an event. It's not putting effortinto planning a nice Friday night date and neglecting it the rest of the week. It takes aconsistent effort. But unless you're very creative, it may get harder and harder to think ofnew ways to keep the romance alive. So build up some resources to help you think ofideas. Start by asking your spouse. Then look into buying a book or two on the subject.Smalley and Trent recommend several: Four Hundred Creative Ways to Say I Love You, byAlice Chapin; Romancing Your Marriage, by Norm Wright; and Men, Do You Know YourWife?, by Dan Carlinksy. They also provide their own list of ideas for romantic ideas thatcost less than $20, including ice cream picnics and watching each other's favorite movietogether.

It's attention. Focus on each other, not on what else you could be doing. Going to the parkfor the day? Don't take the briefcase or cell phone. Thinking of giving your wife flowers?Don't wait until you need to ask for a favor. Did your wife ask for a quiet stroll on the beach?Leave the fishing pole at home. Eliminate the distracters and focus on enjoying your timewith each other.

Building a romantic atmosphere in your marriage won't happen overnight or without acontinual effort, but the end result is worth it. Keep the friendship in your marriagerelationship strong, plan events centered on shared interests, surprise each other withspecial tokens of love, and give your spouse your undivided attention on your romantictimes together.

This article is based on the book, Love Is a Decision, by Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. JohnTrent.

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http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/romance.htm 7/28/2005