• Get to know your grass (species, breed, variety)

• Talk to local farmers/lawn care specialists

• Learn the natural water cycles

• Love your soil• Work with the

elements, not against• Identify grass signs

LAWN CARE 101

Orchardgrass (Dactylis glomerata), shown here, grows best in temperate zones.

What we commonly know as “grass” is something of an overgeneralization. There are four families of plants that are often referred to as grass: Poaceae (or Gramineae), Cyperaceae, Juncaceae, and the oft refuted Alismatales (shown here in an order). Learning the names of various species not only helps you to choose the right soil and nutrients—it’s also pure fun!

SPECIES, BREEDS, VARIETY

Dasypyrum villosum is known for its vibrant color

Enhalus acoroides

Cyperochloa hirsuta can add a beautiful touch to any garden

Juncus effusus, as seen above, prefers loamy soils and indirect sunlight 6-8 hours per day.

FINDING LOCAL GRASS ENTHUSIASTS

Lawn care enthusiasts are all around us. Hobbyists who enjoy plants, such as these hobbyists enjoying this Zoysia japonica, are often called amature horticulturalists. Look for a horticulture club near you.

The most daunting and exciting aspect of taking up a new hobby or interest is finding out the information you need to create the kind of effects that drew you to a hobby in the first place. In a world as slippery and changing as lawn care, it pays to make friends with other local enthusiasts. One can often identify enthusiasts, such as those pictured, by their intense concentration on the vegetation around them. Joining or forming a group can help you share valuable new information and resources. When trying to find enthusiasts, watch for:

• Farmers• The elderly• People buying cow poop and

bark in bags• Yards with grass related

paraphernalia

• Painted lawns in winter (this is nitrate)

• People with dirt under their nails• Grass related tee-shirts• The new Prius or other hybrid

vehicles

WATER AND SOIL

This chart, which might look familiar from second grade, displays the water cycle and the three most common types of soil—sandy, loamy and clay. Also, notice the effect that the sun has on both soil and water.

There’s no way around it, the best lawns share a dedication to the observation of the wind cycle, rain cycle, water table, soil types, soil richness, seasonal shifts and other environmental factors. As a beginner, you’ll want to focus on the things over which you have the most control. Study the infographic on the right. What kind of soil do you have? How much rain has found your lawn this year? Knowing these factors will help you to decide when to water your lawn, how much, what kind of pH balancers to introduce, nutrients to add and so on. The key: focus on what interested you in lawn care in the first place; economically and enjoyably explore your lawn. It’s easy for you and your lawn to get wrapped up and burned out on expensive chemicals, systems and treatments.

WORKING WITH THE ELEMENTS

Some things, like this wild onion, or aphids, seem like a nuisance, but can actually perform important lawn care tasks. Keep an open mind and a salad bowl handy.

What counts as weeds, invasive species or nuisances is entirely socially determined. There are no scientific words to describe weeds or pests. Nature just does; it does not mean. Modern lawn care enthusiasts are attempting to learn how to take advantage of diverse elements in their lawn that possess some inherent good. Mushrooms decompose waste, for instance. Aphids help tend our plants. And the most invasive species on your lawn is the Homo sapien pulling up the plants s/he determines least desirable. Watch your lawn carefully. Which species kill your ornamentals and which simply “don’t look good.” Consider trimming, rather than pulling or spraying, grasses that may be helping your lawn along. And FYI, what you pull may be edible!

“My grass browns no matter how much I water it!” Hang on there chief! Your grass might be browning because of how much water you’re loading onto it. The signs of over watering and under watering are essentially the same, except in hydroponic plants like the sea-grasses (when growing these, check your salinity if they are browning and remember that some browning is seasonal and weather-dependent). Now that you’ve got a few tips, you’re almost ready to go out your front door and GROW SOME LAWN!

The rewards of a well cared-for lawn (like the one shown here) are many. Watch for bare spots (like the one shown here) and look for signs of what might be causing ill effects to realize your leafy heaven. Finally, some fairly common things to look out for when tending:• Kids. If spotted, tell them to get

off the lawn• People parking on the lawn• Asphalt paved over the lawn

(ruins most grass types)• Peeing dogs. A dog whistle is

cheap and effective. Just throw it at the dog and yell

• Hippies. Unfortunately, the kind of grass they respect leads them to disrespect yours

• Run off from loud motor-bicycles• Young lovers who stand in your

nicely ornamented grass and smooch. We get it. You’re in love. Now find a gazebo

• Blimps hovering too long over your grass, blocking the sun. You may need to buy a grow lamp if this is a persistent problem

• Anything that takes your time away from your lawn. Avoid long conversations, neighborhood watches and the like.

CREDITS

I have drawn on many sources. I am indebted to The Plant List (http://www.theplantlist.org), an internet plant database for my information on grass species. The helpful pictures and graphs come from Morgue File (http://www.morguefile.com/) a totally non-creepy, despite its name, catalogue of free, common license pictures. My information comes from lived experience and some excellent general information learned from Dr. Rebecca Damron’s Eco Composition class guest speakers. In case you were not in Visual Rhetorics with Dr. Lynn Lewis, the class in which this assignment was assigned, and are under the impression that I am insane, the nature of this assignment was to create a rhetoric of irritation. In that aim, much of the information presented here (specific species names, pictures not showing the subject they claim to very well, rude commentary, etc.) is intentionally warped and some of it is just plain made up.

+alan james blair