making difficult conversations easier - paml€¦ · handout is available by highlighting the file...

12/9/2014

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Carmen L. Wiley, PhD, DABCC, FACB

Making Difficult Conversations Easier

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Welcome

This presentation is not to be copied or distributed without the specific

permission of PAML LLC

Welcome

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Questions will be answered at the end of the presentation P.A.C.E. credit may be obtained by submitting your completed

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continuing education.

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Dr. Carmen Wiley, PhD, DABCC, FACB

Dr. Wiley is the Scientific Director for PAML. She oversees all aspects of PAML’s research and development program. She earned her doctorate in Organic Chemistry from the University of Washington and was recently elected to the board of directors of the American Association for Clinical Chemistry (AACC).

At the end of this presentation participants will be able to:

• Evaluate difficult situations and develop a Difficult Conversations strategy

• Identify behaviors that lead to ineffective difficult conversations

• Explain the key components of a Learning Conversation

• Confidently and effectively engage in difficult conversations

Learning Objectives

Bibiography

• Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila

Heen and Roger Fisher

• Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate

by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro

• Beyond Machiavelli : Tools for Coping With Conflict by Roger Fisher, Elizabeth Kopelman and Andrea Kupfer Schneider

• Getting Past No: Negotiating with Difficult People

by Roger Fisher and William Ury

• The Power of a Positive No: Save The Deal Save The Relationship and Still Say No by William Ury

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What is a Difficult Conversation? • Anything you find it hard to talk about

– under performing employees

– disagreeing with our spouse

– negotiating with a difficult client

– simply saying “no”

– simply saying “I’m sorry”

Adapted from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

The Dilemma: Avoid or Confront • If we try to avoid the problem

– we may feel taken advantage of

– our feelings may fester

– we may wonder why we didn’t stick up for ourselves

– we rob the other person of the opportunity improve things


The Dilemma: Avoid or Confront • If we confront the problem

– things may get worse

– we may be rejected

– we may be attacked

– we may hurt the other person in unintended ways

– the relationship may suffer


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There Is No Such Thing as a Diplomatic Hand Grenade

• There’s no way to “throw” a difficult conversation with tact or to outrun the consequences

• Choosing not to deliver a difficult message is like hanging on to hand grenade once you’ve pulled the pin


Difficult Conversations Are a Normal Part of Life

• The problem isn’t the conversation, it’s how we think about it

• Shift from a “message delivery stance” to a “learning stance”

• Sort out the Three Conversations


Each Difficult Conversation Is Really Three Conversations

• The “What Happened?” Conversation

– disagreement about what happened

• The Feelings Conversation

– each conversation asks and answers questions about feelings

– even if feelings are not addressed, they leak in

• The Identity Conversation

– the conversation we each have with ourselves about what the situation means to us

– this determines if we are off-center

and anxious or if we feel “balanced”


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The "What Happened?" Conversation: What's the Story Here?

• The Truth Assumption

– difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right

• The Intention Invention

– we assume we know the intention of others when we don’t

• The Blame Frame

– who’s to blame for the mess we’re in


The Feelings Conversation: What Should We Do with Our Emotions?

• An Opera Without Music – A Difficult Conversation without Feelings

• Difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings

– They are an integral part of the conflict


The Feelings Conversation

• Understanding feelings, talking about feelings and managing feelings are among the greatest challenges of being human

• Talking about feelings is a skill that can be learned


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The Identity Conversation: What Does This Say About Me?

• Difficult conversations can threaten our identity

– Am I competent?

– Am I competent?

– Am I competent?


The Identity Conversation: What Does This Say About Me?

• This conversation offers significant leverage in

– managing your anxiety

– improving your skills in the other two conversations

• You need to look inward

• What are you saying about you

• Something beyond the apparent substance of the conversation is at stake for you

– Yes, this is about YOU


The Identity Conversation

• Keeping Your Balance

– as you begin to sense the implications of the conversation for your self-image, you may begin to lose your balance

– You may lose confidence, lose concentration, or forget what you were going to say

• Recognizing the implications this conversations has on your self-image should improve your balance


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Moving Toward a Learning Conversation

• As you learn to understand

– the challenges inherent in the “Three Conversations”

– the mistakes we make in each

• You are likely to find that your purpose for having a particular conversation will shift


A Learning Conversation • you want to:

– understand what has happened from the other person’ point of view

– explain your point of view

– share and understand feelings

– work together to figure out a way to manage the problem from this point foreward


How to start? • You seem to think _______, and I’m thinking

_______. Can we talk about this?

• I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about _______. I really want understand your perspective about this and share my perspective as well.

• I’d like to talk about _______ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.

• I need your help understanding what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?


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Shifting from “What Happened” • Truth Perceptions

– What’s my story? What’s their story?

• Blame Contribution

– What have we each contributed to this situation? How can we fix things going forward?

• Intentions Impact

– What assumptions am I making about their intentions? What is the impact on me?


Truth • Most difficult conversations involve disagreements

about

– what has happened

– what should happen

• Remember, we have

– different information

– different interpretations

• Move from certainty to curiosity


Truth

• There is always more than one truth

• Embrace both stories

• Adopt the “and” not “but” approach


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Intent

• I know why you did that

• I assume from your actions that I clearly understand your intentions

• Intent is complex

• Separate intent from impact

• Getting it wrong is costly


Blame Game • Take accountability – FIRST

• If you don’t, you will

– Hurts people’s feelings

– Attacks people sense of worth

– Destroys motivation

– Crush innovation – people stop risk taking

– Create fear and anxiety


Blame Game

• Admit that you may have contributed

• Get the facts straight

• Gain agreement on contribution

• Decide what you will do differently


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Ask these questions • What has happened here?

• Who was involved?

• What did I do (or not) to contribute to the problem?

• How did other people contribute to the problem?

• How can we change to avoid this situation in the future?

• What must I do to foster and support that change?


The Blame Game Costs • Understanding is diminished

• Problem-solving is hindered

• A bad system may hide

• Look at contribution instead


Starting a Difficult Conversation

• Start with ‘The Third Story’

• The ‘Third Story’ is not your story and it’s not their story. It’s the point of view of a third person.

• To discover the third story, think like a mediator


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The Learning Conversation • Begin from the third story - what a savvy, unbiased

observer would tell

– Ask about the other person’s story

– Invite mutual problem-solving

– Make the other person your partner in figuring things out

– Be persistent


The Learning Conversation • Talk about where each ‘story’ comes from

– ‘My reaction probably has a lot to do with …’

• Talk about the impact on you – ‘I’m sure you didn’t intend this, but it was frustrating for me when…’

• Take your responsibility for your contribution – ‘I know that the fact that I have let things go so long without mentioning

this has definitely caused a problem…’

• Describe feelings (not judgments or accusations) – ‘I’m sure you didn’t intend this, but it was frustrating for me when…’

• Talk about the identity issues – ‘I don’t like seeing myself as someone who would…’


Seven Steps for Success 1. Think it through

• Prepare by Walking Through the Three Conversations

2. What is your purpose • Decide Whether to Raise It

3. Set the stage, the “Third Story”

4. Focus on them first – Listen, Questions, Paraphrase

5. Help them understand you

6. Agree on where you are now

7. Work for a workable solution


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Lance and Jody &

The Locked Office


Lance’s Side of the Story

• The Truth Assumption

– Jody knew I was still here working

• The Intention Invention

– Payback for when Lance locked Jody out of the office

• The Blame Frame

– Jody locked the door


Seven Steps for Success 1. Think it Through

• Walking Through the Three Conversations

2. What is your purpose • Decide Whether to Raise It

3. Set the Stage, the “Third Story”

4. Focus on Jody First – Listen, Questions, Paraphrase

5. Help Jody Understand You

6. Agree on where you are now

7. Work for a workable solution


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Questions


P.A.C.E. credit may be obtained by submitting your completed evaluation form. You will find the form by clicking on File, Transfer and downloading the evaluation

PAML employees will be able to receive one hour of continuing education credit by submitting your attendance through CE Manager.

Thank You for Attending

Thank You for Attending

We will be leaving the webinar open for 15 minutes to allow you to download the handouts

This webinar has been recorded and will be available by Tuesday, December 16th, at www.paml.com

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making difficult conversations easier - paml€¦ · handout is available by highlighting the file...

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