pccyfs 2012 annual spring conference the ambiguous foster child: attachment, separation, loss and...

PCCYFS 2012 Annual Spring Conference

The Ambiguous Foster The Ambiguous Foster Child:Child:

Attachment, Separation, Attachment, Separation, Loss and LoyaltyLoss and Loyalty

Presented By:Susan S. Cornbluth, PsyD

PCCYFS 2012 Annual Spring

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Agenda:

• Introduction: Attachment• Foster Children and Attachment Trauma• The Six Question Separation Model• Ambiguous Loss • Loyalty Conflict

©2011, American Foster Care Resources, Inc. 2


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• Often we have saved foster children from abuse but we have failed to recognize that they still carry with them their feelings and memories of their biological families as they travel through the foster care system.

• To truly understand foster children’s lives you must get into their world! Then and only then we just may begin to understand their behaviors!

• Today we will take a journey together into their world through their eyes!



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Dylan’s Story

• “When I was at another group home, it was hard because I was away from my family and I felt sad…..



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Introduction: Attachment

• What is attachment?

• A reciprocal, enduring, emotional and physical connection between a child and a caregiver.



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Preferred or Primary Attachment Figure

• Usually the mother. The person selectively sought by the child when there is need for comforting and reassurance.

Mission of Primary Caregiver

• Protector• Provider• Guide



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Attachment Formation

Between a Caregiver and Child

• Formation of a Healthy Attachment• Attunement: Critical To Healthy

Development.



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Formation of a Traumatic Attachment

• Caused by Abuse: emotional, sexual, physical.

• Physical or emotional unavailability of parent.

• Lack of reciprocal interactions-No Dance.

• Trauma and neglect: undermine “secure base.”



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Abused Foster Children’s Attachment Patterns To Their Biological Parents

Manuel’s Story

• My mom’ a drug addict. She never had a job, …



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Dysfunctional Attachment

• Disinterested in immediate world- does not explore surroundings.

• Interested in immediate world but gets inconsistent caregiver responses-caregiver may show loving response one minute and rejection the next.

• Fear-what will come next.



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Symptoms of Dysfunctional Attachment• Compulsive need to control others;

teachers and other children.• Intense lying.• Poor response to discipline: aggressive or

defiant.• Physical contact: wanting too much or too

little.• Body function disturbances (eating,

sleeping, urinating).• Poor communication.• Lack of empathy.• All or none thinking.• Pervasive shame …



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Foster Children and Attachment Trauma

Nina’s Story

• “I loved my mother no matter how she treated me…..



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Perceive Self AS:

• Bad• Stupid• Worthless• Unworthy• Unwanted



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Perceive Others AS:

• Violent• Cruel• Rejecting• Unpredictable



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Maintain Safety By:

• Avoidance• Silence• Denying Thoughts & Feelings• Manipulation• Rejecting others



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Despite A Dysfunctional Attachment Pattern, Foster Children Do:

• Form a strong meaningful attachment pattern to their mothers and family members although it is disorganized/dysfunctional in nature.

• The Quality of the relationship does not always predict the Strength…



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• Many foster children still long to be with their biological parents despite the harsh treatment they may have suffered.



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Initial Separation from Biological Caregivers & Siblings

Deshawn’s Story

• I was scared when we were first separated because I was living with someone I didn’t know and I didn’t have my mom there to protect me and stuff. I was seven…..



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The Six Question Separation Model

• WHAT: What just happened to me? • WHY: Why did this happen to me? • WHEN: When will I see my family again?• WHERE: Where am I going to live? • WHO: Who is going to care for me? • HOW: How am I going to survive without

my family?



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Helpful Foster Parents Responses to a Foster Child’s Initial Separation Questions:



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Have you ever lost something sentimental to you?

• What was it?

• How did it make you feel when you lost it?

• How did it make you feel when you found it?



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Types of Unresolved Losses

• Moving from one house to another• Losing a job• Divorce• Losing a limb• A teacher’s departure• A therapist leaves• A break-up• Loss of a dream• Loss of nurturance• Foster child who is separated from his or

her biological family members



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Ambiguous Loss

Manuel’s Story

• I knew that she kept thinking about getting us back and that helped me hang on. She told me she....



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Statistics

• 463,000 children in foster care, decreased from 513,000 in 2005

• 53% male• 47% female• 52% of children entering care are slated

for reunification with• biological family• 49% had a placement goal of

reunification



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Ambiguous Loss:

• Permanent Loss = Final

• Ambiguous Loss = Unresolved



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Ambiguous Loss

• It is difficult for a person to resolve grief if they don’t know if the loss is temporary or final.

• There is a lack of a clear, symbolic ritual surrounding the loss.

• The griever is not socially recognized (this is often the case with birth family).



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Symptoms of Ambiguous Loss• Difficulty with changes and transitions, even

seemingly minor ones.• Trouble making decisions.• Psychic paralysis or the feeling of being

overwhelmed when asked to make a choice.• Problems coping with routine childhood or

adolescent losses (last day of school, death of a pet, move to a new home, etc.)

• A sort of learned helplessness and hopelessness due to a sense that he has no control over his life.

• Depression and anxiety.• Feelings of guilt.



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The Foster Child and Ambiguous Loss

• Does not know if the separation from their biological parents will be permanent or temporary....

• Hope is kept alive by minimal phone contact ....

• Reunification is not a fantasy....• Do not fully detach from biological

parents .....• While in care child fluctuates .....



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Loyalty to Biological Caregivers: The Strength of Loyalty

Nina’s Story

• I loved my mother even though we were not together. I wanted my mother to get better. No matter what my mother did.....



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Fluxuation Loyalty Wave

• Hope Of Returning Home to Biological Family

• Hopelessness Of Returning Home to Biological Family



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Loyalty Conflict

• Biological Family• Foster Child• Foster Parents



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William’s Story

• My foster mother didn’t want me to speak to my mother over the phone. She didn’t even want her to be at the visits and I couldn’t deal with it….



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Loyalty Conflict

• Loyalty to biological parents = disconnection between foster child and foster parent.

• Forming a close bond with a foster parent may symbolize an act of disloyalty to their biological parents.

• This scares the child because if they are disloyal there may be no chance for reunification-all is lost.



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Strategies for Connecting with a Foster Child

• Disconnection• Connection• Outcome



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Suggestions for Helping Children Manage Feelings of Ambiguous Loss:1. Give voice to the ambiguity… 2. Learn to redefine what it means to be a family... 3. Foster children need to be given permission to have feelings about being separated from their family of origin without feeling guilty...4. Help the child identify what has been lost... 5. Create a “loss box.”…6. Include birth parents and birth family members .…7. Sometimes certain events trigger feelings of loss such as holidays, birthdays or the anniversary of an adoption... 8. Don’t set an expectation that grief over ambiguous loss will be “cured”…



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The best gift anyone can give a foster child is patience and acknowledgment! Love is important but it is not everything!



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Nina’s Story

“I was a child put into the system because of what she did and that is always going to affect my life. Like a girl who loses her virginity for the first time,…



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Endings

American Foster Care Resources, Inc.POB 271, King George, VA 22485TEL: 540-775-7410 FAX: 540-775-3271

http://www. afcr.comhttp://www.fostercarenetwork.comE-mail: [email protected]


pccyfs 2012 annual spring conference the ambiguous foster child: attachment, separation, loss and...

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