Resilient Children – Stressful World

• “Do it all”• “Be the best”• Pressure from society vs. influence of parents• Helping children achieve academic success• Become resistant to unhealthy messages• Short-term and long-term strategies

2010s

• Recession• TARP – Troubled Asset Relief Program• Ballooning national debt, budget deficits• Earthquake, tsunami, damaged nuclear reactors• Tuition increases• Decreasing scholarships• Nastiness of politics

2000s

• World Trade Center attacked• Al Qaeda• Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan• Katrina• Tsunami in South Asia• Swine flu

1990s

• HIV/AIDS• Monica Lewinski and impeaching Clinton• Columbine massacre• Rwandan genocide• Oklahoma City bombing• Government shutdown

1980s

• Iran-Contra hostage crisis

• Challenger disaster

• Chernobyl explosion

• Tiananmen Square

• John Lennon killed

1970s

• Watergate• President Nixon resigns in disgrace• Anti-war demonstrations• Generation gap • Kent State shootings• Pentagon Papers

1960s

• Vietnam War• Cuban Missile Crisis• Urban unrest• Assassinations– John F. Kennedy– Robert Kennedy– Martin Luther King

1950s

• Korean War

• Little Rock Central High School

• McCarthy era - Communists in Congress

• Subjugation of European countries

• Hiding under school desks

1940s

• Pearl Harbor• World War II• Atomic bombs dropped in Japan• Concentration camps exposed• Many young people enlist or are drafted• 405,000 U.S. dead• 670,000 U.S. wounded

1930s

• The Great Depression• 25% unemployment rate• No safety net• Took 17 years for stock market to recover• Dust Bowl• Child Labor problems

Resilience Equals

• What the child learns at:

The times of their mistakes +

The times that they are disappointed______________________________= How resilient the child is as a teenager

Inevitable part of parenting

• Parents often wish:

• The world was different• Children were rarely unhappy• Children’s behavior would be better than it is

Using the Inevitability of Stress

• What were children taught to expect?• How much was handed to them?• How much was done for them?• Are today’s children weaker/less resilient?• Are times tougher today?

How we think about parenting

• Relationship between two people• One parent and one child• Parents are responsible for their half • The bar is very high for us and our half• Can’t blame child for parent reaction to child• Child’s later resilience hinges on:– Honor, journey, teach to the long-term goals– Unrealistic expectations, quick to anger and worry

Modeling stress management

• Show them how to handle stress

• As you handle stress caused by them• That is how they will know how to handle stress

when they are teenagers• The importance of stalling• Unlearning the ECFE message

How we think about childhood

• Mistakes are a normal part of childhood

• Best for strengthening the connection

• Uncomfortable times = richest opportunities

• Most important lessons – most uncomfortable times

• Welcome the unwanted parts of childhood.

• Pace of change is slow

Disappointments

• When the world disappoints your child• Don’t let it go to waste• Inner strength• Resilience• Helps children be realistic about expectations• ACT scores, college applications • Getting cut from a team

Viewing skills – Staying calm and thoughtful

• Thinking about what is going on• Not just reacting• How may I use this? What can I teach?• Discipline is the easy part• Being kind, forgiving and patient while

disciplining is harder

External events do not cause internal feelings

• This is at the root of staying calm

• People react to same event differently

• Individuals react differently on different days

• Not external event that causes parents to get

frustrated, worried or angry

Practice

• Hardest to stay calm when around children

• Practice when we are away from our children• Every day has many external events that we

can use for practice

Resilience, Academic Success and Stress Management

• Before adolescence:– What do children need to learn– So they will be able to handle whatever comes

their way during adolescence

• How can parents teach what children need to learn?– Using opportunities provided by everyday life– Making moments count

Goal for the day

• Seeing the teachable moment at all times• Connecting day-to-day mistakes and

disappointments with long-term goals• That when you are unable to find what to

teach it is about you, not your child• Learn what your blind spots are• Leave here today with a plan of action and a

process to keep learning about viewing skills and blind spots

How may I use this?

• What can I teach?• Rather than• I have to fix this.• This should not be happening• My child deserves better• I must make my child feel better right this

minute• I must nip this in the bud