The Parenting Children Course Scripts

Session 1 – Building Strong Foundations Please note:

Text in a box indicates when Nicky and Sila tell stories from their own experience. These may be replaced with a live speaker’s personal experience, or the speaker may tell the story about Nicky and Sila in the same way that they tell stories about others. A text box is also used for the prayer at the end of each session which, if you would prefer, you can replace with your own.

The scripts include the filmed clip inserts that Nicky and Sila use when giving the talks live. The DVDs have a separate menu of chapter stops for the filmed clip inserts. These are indicated by the numbers 1.0, 1.1, 1.2 etc.

Each session contains more inserts than time permits when giving the talks live. The boxes where the script is struck through show the inserts that Nicky and Sila choose to omit due to time pressures. For example:

Insert – 3.4 Parents – discussing childrenIN 00:45:00

However, you should feel free to make your own selection regarding which inserts you show and which you omit.

It may not be possible to show the presentation slides as well as using the DVD inserts if you do not have the technology required to support both at the same time. If this applies to you, please feel free to leave out the presentation slides.

Part 1: The role of the family

SILAHello and a very warm welcome to The Parenting Children Course.

Nicky and I want to say we’re so glad you have decided to do this course, which is designed for parenting children aged 0–10. This is one of two courses we run on parenting. The other is The Parenting Teenagers Course, for parenting 11–18 year olds.

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We recognise that some of you here are parenting on your own, others as a couple. Some of you may have step children, or you may not have children at all but you have an interest in parenting.

Whatever your situation you are all very welcome and we believe that you’ll find the investment of your time on this course will pay off for your family.

NICKYWe have four children, Kirsty, Benj, Barny and Josh, all now grown up, and three grandchildren - so far. In developing this course over the past twenty years, we have used our own experience as well as learning many valuable tips and ideas from parenting experts and hundreds of other parents.

During the course you’ll be hearing from a number of those experts, ranging from psychologists to counsellors, as well as teachers, parents and children. As we start the course, we want you to hear from some people on the streets what they enjoy about being parents.

Insert – 1.0 Street interviews – best thing about parentingIN 00:01:32

Woman It’s all just – it’s an amazing experience, full stop. There’s – you know, right from the beginning, it’s just like a very interesting, full of surprises journey.

Man True satisfaction in your life!

Man I think it’s just when you come home at the end of a really long, long day and you get a great big cuddle, and someone very beautiful like Ceci and Jude just saying that they love you. I think that’s the best thing about being a parent, without a doubt.

Woman Yeah, I’ve never felt so much love before. It’s amazing. Never! It’s weird.

Man For me, definitely it was when my boys were about eight to ten and I had my youth back again playing games: football, cricket and swimming and…!

Woman The fun!

Man We enjoy being together. (Mm) And we’ve had good days and bad days, but the good days are definitely much, much better than – and more good days than bad days! They’re just normal kids, and we just love them!

Woman Well, I liked them when they were really little, because they had very little problems. But now they’re big, everyone’s got big problems!

Woman Everything comes alive again, and you feel young in yourself, and you enjoy things that you might have gotten a little cynical about, you know, without a child. And the world just looks exciting and new.

OUT 00:03:00

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NICKYWe are under no illusion that parenting is hard work, but it has its hilarious moments.

One of the best pieces of advice we were given early on was to write down the funny things our children said or did, as otherwise we would so easily forget them. So we got ourselves a book.

One of my favourite entries was when, one Friday evening with our four children aged between four and eleven, we were driving out of London in rush-hour traffic. It had been a hectic day and I hadn’t had time to read my mail, so when we stopped at red traffic lights I was busy opening letters. One envelope was marked ‘private and confidential’ and Benj, looking over my shoulder, asked me what ‘confidential’ means. I tried to think of a way to explain that he would understand. The best I could manage was it means ‘only for you’.

Half an hour or so later, we bought a McDonald’s meal to eat in the car. I was taking orders and, on asking Josh, our four-year-old, what he would like, he replied emphatically, ‘A Big Mac and confidential chips, please.’ With three siblings and the frequent need to share, this new word was a very useful addition to his vocabulary.

There are lots of things to enjoy about our children but what do children like best about us their parents.

Insert – 1.1 Children – what they like best about their parentsIN 00:04:15Lauren I think the best thing about my mum and dad is that they’re always fair and they

treat us with the same respect.

Fergus They give us quite a lot of sweets!

Bart Only special occasions they do!

Boy (Vox Pop)

My mum is amazing. She has done so much. I can’t imagine what the both of them are, what it would be like to be one of any of them. They are fantastic.

Kate They always watch football matches with me when I want to watch them, when it’s like Chelsea, and they cheer for Chelsea because I like Chelsea, and really they want to cheer for Arsenal.

Boy (Vox Pop)

They look after us very good.

Emma Well, sometimes they’re a bit annoying. But the most best thing about it is that they love us and they pay attention to us instead of anybody else.

Matthew Well, I partly agree with what Emma said at the beginning. They can be a little bit annoying. But they are really fun, and they pay full attention to us, like Emma said.

OUT 00:05:27

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SILAOne of the challenges of parenting together is the need to present a united front as we’re likely to have different approaches to many issues. For example, one of us may be stricter and the other more lenient.

NICKYI remember Sila had a rule with our children that they could eat as much as they wanted at tea time but once in bed, no more food was allowed. Then, sometimes I would come home and go up to say good night and one of them would say, ‘I’m so hungry, I can’t get to sleep’. I’d immediately take pity on them and ask what they would like. A sandwich? Banana? Toast? And they would end up having a five course picnic in bed. Sila found it really frustrating and ended up cross, both with the children and with me.

SILAWell, not surprisingly!

Another difference between Nicky and me, which has made for some challenges in our parenting, is our different temperaments. I’m much more volatile and everyone knows exactly what I’m feeling at any particular moment.

NICKYWhile I’m quite a bit calmer. My danger is to bottle up my feelings and bury hurt and frustration.

SILAI want to tell you about one of my worst parenting moments. One of our four children, Barny, is just like me – over the years we’ve had quite a few clashes. On one occasion when he was about eight, I actually threw him down the stairs! Now, I need to add straightaway, I definitely didn’t mean to. Barny had been naughty – I was furious with him and was trying to tell him off - and he was equally cross. He decided to make a dash for his room, which was just at the top of the stairs. I ran after him and grabbed hold of him to stop him going into his room. He held on to the door handle for all he was worth. Suddenly, though, he lost his grip and, because I was pulling so hard, he went flying past me straight down the stairs! I was left looking on with horror. Thankfully he didn’t hurt himself.

NICKYBarny now takes great delight in telling that story. He also says it worked to his advantage because Sila completely forgot what she was cross about as she was so shocked by what had happened.

SILAI hope you recognise from that story that we certainly haven’t got it all right in our parenting.

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I think many of us as parents can feel inadequate, or a failure, much of the time. We can all too easily put unrealistic expectations on ourselves and on our children, and take the blame every time something goes wrong.

We hope this course will be an encouragement to you not least as you realise that you’re not alone in the challenges you’re facing. I remember Rob Parsons – one of the experts you’ll be hearing from during the course – speaking to a room of about 200 parents and saying, ‘You are almost certainly doing a better job than you think you are.’ There was an audible sigh of relief from everyone in the room. We asked some of our parents to describe what they’re finding hardest at the moment.

Insert – 1.2 Parents – what they are finding hardestIN 00:07:51

Taryn Trying to be more organised with space – that’s a challenge!

Man (Vox Pop)

And sticking by rules when you make them, I think. And being consistent.

Joy When they don’t eat food that I’ve made.

Alan Neil comes in to me at four in the morning and kind of gets in and elbows me!

Shona Can’t just go to the shop any more – it takes twenty minutes to get ready, just to pop to the shop for a pint of milk.

Con Not to replicate the things that we – well, I didn’t like about my parents and the things they did.

Woman (VP) The tantrums. Definitely the tantrums.

Mark If you’re trying to do stories with maybe the two elder children (Yeah) but the younger child is running around and making a bit of a noise.

Eli It’s answering back.

Joy Homework.

Man (Vox Pop)

I wish that I could be as physical and be as athletic as I think she would love. But it’s harder being older some!

Barbara Give instructions or say something more than once, or more than three times.

Woman (VP) Setting the boundaries and keeping to them, sticking to them.

Archie My biggest challenge as a father is not losing my temper.

Shona You tidy up one room, you go to the next room – when you come back, it’s a mess again and something else’s been spilt, something else has been broken. It’s just constant and never-ending!

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Taryn Trying to have a decent conversation on the phone, that seems to be really the time when things go to pot!

Couple(Vox Pop)

Woman: Temper tantrums!Man: Temper tantrums. Attitude.Woman: ‘I want, I want, I want.’

Dianne Tiredness. They’re twenty-four/seven. Mm, yeah.

Alan Mm. And they’re here for life! They’re here for life!

OUT 00:09:25

NICKYChildren present us with perhaps the greatest challenge of our lives to bring them up to be the responsible people we long for them to be. You may be wondering how you’re ever going to do that. We want to encourage you that whatever challenges you’re currently facing and whatever your circumstances, you can build a relationship of love, trust and respect with your children. Many parents long for there to be a neat formula, some sort of blueprint that enables us to turn out happy and successful children. Sadly, there is no such blueprint. However, during this course we will be looking at some important principles and lots of practical tools to give you confidence in your parenting. Many of us feel under great pressure today to be the perfect parent.

Insert – 1.3 Parents – not being perfect parentIN 00:10:07

Madeleine I’ve learned not to be intimidated by other people’s perception of our parenting or that sort of invisible benchmark out there. And a while ago I challenged myself to stop defending myself. You know when someone comes in the house and you say, `Oh, sorry about the mess!’ – I am who I am. My growth is not your issue, you know! And I remember one particular day when I’d invited a friend of mine round. She’s a lovely girl. She’s a lawyer, and she’s got all her ducks in a row – she’s very particular. And Charlie for various reasons came flying in the back door when he was about three, grabbed a mug off the side, peed in the mug, went over to the dishwasher, chucked the pee to the back of the dishwasher, popped the mug in and closed the door! And her eyes were like saucers! And I remember sitting there looking at her and going…! [roars with laughter]

OUT 00:10:56

SILADuring the course there’ll be opportunities to discuss the issues we’re covering with other parents. However, it’s important to recognise that every family is different because of the unique make-up of both parents and children, and therefore it’s unhelpful for us to compare our own family with other families.

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The course provides an opportunity for us to pause and think about where we’re prioritising our time and energy. Life really is going at a quicker rate than it has previously. We work longer hours. We are inundated with choices about lifestyles and products. We can be bombarded with messages which demand our attention and our immediate response.

Certainly we can relate to more and more people, faster and faster, but the danger is we can only relate to that number of people at a superficial level. And the people closest to us – our family - suffer as a result. The question we all need ask ourselves is: Are we investing as much time and energy in our children and family life as we’d like to?

Each session of the course is designed to help us answer that question. We’ve created The Parenting Children Wheel as a visual summary of what we cover. In this session, Session 1, we’ll be looking at what’s involved in building strong foundations for our family life.

Session 2 is about how we make sure our children feel loved unconditionally.

Session 3 is about teaching them to make good choices and how we put in the boundaries – children need and want clear boundaries – having limits for their behaviour helps them feel secure.

In Session 4 we’ll look at how we teach our children vital skills for life – knowing how to build healthy relationships, how to communicate effectively and how to control anger.

And then in Session 5 we’ll look at our long-term aim – what core values and beliefs we want to pass on to our children and how we do this. You’ll see the rim of the wheel is about modelling values – this is a theme that runs throughout the course. Children are like sponges – they absorb what we do. They are likely to copy us and actually, what they see us do, holds more weight than what we tell them to do.

And then we’ve put love at the centre – as the hub – that makes the wheel turn smoothly, because ultimately good parenting is all about loving our children effectively.

The course is based on Christian principles for putting love into action, but these principles are universal and apply to every parent and you don’t need to be a Christian to benefit from the course.

So, to start the course we want to look at how we build strong foundations for our family life? The home environment we create for our children is going to be one of the most significant influences on them. We asked some of the children we filmed what their family means to them.

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Insert - 1.4 Children – what their family means to themIN 00:13:39

Boy We all like to be together. So we all get together once a week or something and have some fun, and we chat, and we just really, really, really love each other.

Lukas I think the most important thing of being in a family is that you stick together and, whatever you’re going through, you must keep strong.

Girl Probably going to take the dog for a walk with Mum and Dad and my brother.

Interviewer Why do you like that?

Girl Because the dog’s funny and once he pulled my dad into a muddy puddle!

Tara It just feels like nice to be with your family!

James Yeah, I get that as well.

Drew Yeah, me too.

Abigail Loads and loads of cousins and aunts. And on our dad’s side there’s two great-grannies, which is quite amazing!

Lauren I think that being a family is mostly about having each other at your side so that, when you’re in trouble, that the other person can always be there for you.

Drew I like the love in my family.

James Yeah.

Tara Mm!

OUT 00:14:46

NICKYWe’re going to look at four purposes of the family.

1. A family provides support

The first purpose is that a family provides support. Someone said: ‘Home is a place where you can say what you like. No one listens to you anyway.’

As they grow up children will experience all kinds of disappointment, struggles, rejection, peer pressure, failure and so on. Even at a young age in the school playground our children can feel hurt and rejected. Our family needs to be the place where they know they will always receive our acceptance, love, encouragement, comfort and support, where they feel completely safe, and that whatever happens their family is there for them.

Kay Warren, an American mother, recounted an incident with her daughter, Amy, who was desperate to join the cheerleading team in her high school: This is what

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she said: ‘It really meant a lot to Amy. She wanted to be on that team. She practised really hard. She went to all of the rehearsals. The day came. She went and she had a great try out. I was really proud of her. But she didn’t make the team. She was devastated. All the way home I drove this sobbing, inconsolable girl. There was nothing I could say that would comfort her. She ran upstairs, into her room – into the walk-in cupboard and slammed the door. I didn’t know what to do. So, the four of us – my husband and I and the two boys – decided to get into the cupboard with her. And we were all crying and sobbing. After we’d been in there a while, wiping our noses on our sleeves, I said to one of the boys, “Go and get some tissues.” A few moments later he came back with one tissue and he was blowing his nose. We laughed and the mood was broken. What had been a tragedy in her life turned into something that became a shared family experience’.

Amy said later to her mother, “That event, almost more than anything else in my life, cemented for me what our family is. You guys were there for me. You didn’t tell me to buck up. You didn’t tell me, ‘In the scheme of things, this is not that important. You’ll get over it.’ You just got in there and cried with me.”’

Insert – 1.5 Parent telling a story about a disappointed childIN 00:16:50Alan In our schools in our country, there’s a kind of mini-Olympics. And our son was

given a position of sub, and he was kind of disappointed in how we dealt with that. Because we could say, `Ah, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.’ We had to let him kind of mourn that and just mourn with him on that. And that’s (Mm) kind of hard, but yet it’s important, to mourn with him on that rather than just placating it or, you know, saying, `So, and that’s with lots of things in life.’

Dianne Mm. This year he’s on the team! It’s in the next couple of weeks. So we’re delighted! So he’ll get to run! (Mm!) Mm!

OUT 00:17:31

SILASo the first purpose of the family is to provide support.

2. Family provides fun

A second purpose is to provide fun. Family needs to be a place where we enjoy each other’s company; where we’re able to lighten up and there’s plenty of laughter; where we’re not always in a rush, not always telling them off. Children thrive on fun.

We are so grateful to the couple who suggested to us that we set aside some time once a week as a family to have fun together.

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Insert – 1.6 Rob Parsons – having funIN 00:17:57

Rob Parsons When my children were small, they used to have what they called a ‘family night’. They would drag their mattresses into our bedroom once a week and sleep on the floor. And once a month we’d have a ‘super-family night’: we’d all drag our mattresses downstairs and sleep on the lounge floor together. Now, there’s no reason why four people with perfectly good beds upstairs should want to do that, except that it’s fun.

OUT 00:18:19

SILAWe started our weekly family time when our three oldest children were six, four and two.

Nicky was working a lot of evenings, and weekends were really busy. We called it our ‘Family Night’. We set aside at least two hours and we stopped doing everything else and just had fun together. And we guarded this time from interruptions from the phone or other people.

Initially we organised it between 5 and 7 pm on a midweek evening around a meal and some games. Then, when they were old enough, each child took it in turns to choose their favourite menu and what activity we did.

Sometimes one child would choose something outdoors, such as playing cricket or going rollerblading. At other times, we stayed indoors and would play a party game such as hide-and-seek or a favourite board game. Or we might watch a DVD together or make something like Christmas cards or a scrap book with old photos. As the children got older, we adapted the timing and activity to their age and stage, and tried to make it fun for everyone.

We also worked it around homework or music practice, but we also tried to make sure our children weren’t involved in so many after-school activities that our time together was pushed out.

This weekly ‘family night’ was often a challenge to fit in and sometimes, when we did, it was a total disaster – there were fights and tears and the game descended into squabbling about the rules or who’d won. And sometimes it seemed impossible to get everyone’s agreement about what we might do. But we’re so glad we kept going. And we were still having family nights when our children became teenagers.

Other people we know have made a family time at the weekend – maybe at breakfast or brunch, or going on an outing.

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Insert – 1.7 Parents – family timeIN 00:19:38Con We just have a great time sitting around and enjoying it.

Madeleine And show-and-tell!

Con Enjoying each other’s company. We do have show-and-tell. Yeah, I was going to mention that. The kids have always got something they want to present to the family, and so they get up and they have this either little Lego people or a drawing or something that they created. And they can be quite intricate, and that’s really good fun!

Joy I think it’s important because it’s our special time, and we get to know each other, and it’s time when they can tell me things. It’s a time when we’re not in a rush, and it’s not about meeting deadlines or other people’s agendas – it’s just us hanging out.

Niyi We recently discovered badminton, (Mm!) which I up till that point had thought ‘That’s a really sissy sport,’ and would much rather have played squash or tennis. But in fact we found that, when we looked at it, badminton just works for the whole family, so it’s something that we can all go off and do together.

Taryn We just have fun together, and it’s always also about the kind of food we’re going to eat on the night. There’s always lots of excitement about that! (Right!) And they’ll sometimes just make up things, like ‘Let’s have a cherry cake’ or something that we’ve never had before, and then we’ve got to make that.

Madeleine We’re just together, and it’s a given. (Mm) It’s an immovable part of the week.

Mark Even if people do phone us and stuff and say, ‘Look, are you free?’ the general answer is no, unless the children agree that we are free. And if they want to delay it, then they can. But…

Taryn And they’ll actually call it the ‘family date’ sometimes, (Yeah!) so they really see it as something special that belongs to just us as a family.

OUT 00:21:24

SILAOur ‘family night’ was one of the best commitments we ever made for our family to keep having fun together.

You’ll see we’ve put some other ‘suggested activities’ in the manual. So secondly a family provides fun.

NICKY

3. Family provides a moral compass

A third purpose of the family is that it provides a moral compass. Someone said: ‘We spend two years teaching our children to walk and talk and the rest of the time telling them to sit down and keep quiet!’

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The family is where children learn the difference between good and bad behaviour, right and wrong choices. Children don’t know that intuitively. The family is where they learn. They learn from reaping the consequences of their mistakes in a safe environment. They learn to think about others and to take responsibility to help around the house. They learn about sharing – that it’s good to be kind and generous.

Much of it they learn through a steady drip-feed of these values, mainly as they watch us. It’s no coincidence that human offspring are dependent on their parents for much longer than any animals – for more or less eighteen years. Children need all that time because there is a lot to learn.

4. Family is the place where children learn to relate

The fourth purpose, and the most important of all, is that the family is the place where children learn to relate. Relationships are ultimately what life is all about and the family is where we first learn to love.

The different relationships within the family: parent and child, mother and father, brothers and sisters, with grandparents, cousins and so on, all provide opportunities for children to learn valuable lessons about how relationships work Children learn how to relate in a number of ways: through experiencing, observing and practising relationships.

Experiencing the unconditional love and acceptance of their parents is where the learning starts, and gives a child an inner confidence. Children need that confidence to form healthy relationships – to be open, to trust, to share their thoughts and feelings with others.

Some children grow up thinking they could never do enough to win their parents’ approval and they are constantly craving it – as a result they are not free to be themselves or to look outwards to others. They may bully and throw their weight around because they feel insecure. There are lots of ways that we can boost a child’s confidence.

Insert – 1.8 Rob Parsons – words we speakIN 00:23:40

Rob Parsons You know, the words we speak are important. And I think they’re particularly important for the child that at that time doesn’t seem to have much going for them. They’re not picked first when the captains are asked to pick teams. They’re not great academically. And I think of a little boy – I think he was about five or six years old – and he was in the egg-and-spoon race and he came in last. He always came in last in everything. But, as he left, his grandmother put her arm round him and said, `You were the only one whose egg didn’t fall off the spoon.’ We all need a grandmother like that.

OUT 00:24:13

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Psychologists talk about three fundamental needs that we all have – for security, self worth and significance. These needs are foundational to a child’s emotional wellbeing and should initially be met by their family

These needs are met when our children know they are loved for who they are, not just for what they achieve, nor for what they look like, nor for how they behave – in other words, that they are loved unconditionally. This is how Ross Campbell puts it in his book, How to Really Love Your Child: ‘If I only love my children and convey my love when they please me, they will not feel genuinely loved; they will be insecure; it will damage their self image and actually prevent them from moving on to better self control and more mature behaviour.’

Insert – 1.9 Parents – showing loveIN 00:24:59

Ici I had two different upbringings. So I was fostered when I was four years old. And so I had the upbringing with my natural parents, and that was in a very abusive, very unstable, unsettled sort of home life. And then going into my foster parents’ household, where, you know, when Phil first came into the family it was like hugs all round and kisses, and he was like, `Oh no, I can’t cope!’ [they laugh] It was all a bit too much. (Yeah) But they’ve always been very huggy and the words that they use, really loving words, really build you up. And I think I’ve taken from that into how I am, with Phil and with the children, that I don’t think you can tell your children `I love you’ enough. (Mm) And you know, with my, especially the elder two – `Shh, Mum!’ – I don’t care, I’ll say `That’s my job!’ [laughs] You know! So I always make sure that I’m slightly over the top with it.

OUT 00:25:59

SILAOur own Christian perspective is that ultimately we derive our sense of security, self-worth and significance through discovering God’s unconditional love for us. You’re probably familiar with the phrase ‘In loco parentis’ when someone else stands in our place as parents. It’s as if God puts us as parents in his place, ‘In loco Dei’, as it were, so that our children grow up with an experience of our unconditional love from their very first moments. So first children experience the unconditional love of their parents.

Children also learn by observing relationships. This is true whether we are parenting as a couple or on our own. If we are parenting together, the relationship between us as a couple will be the most important one that our children observe. Our relationship with each other acts as a role model for them of what a healthy adult relationship looks like.

Our children take in the minutest details of how we relate, how we resolve conflict, whether we show each other physical affection, whether we listen to each other, and whether we are kind to one another. The arrival of children has a big impact on a couple’s relationship.

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Insert – 1.10 Harry Benson and parents – parents’ relationshipsIN 00:26:48Harry Benson The two big things that tend to happen to new parents most obviously for their

relationship, one is it’s an utterly exhausting process – lack of sleep makes it extremely hard to communicate successfully. None of us communicate terribly well when we’re tired. And also it encourages us to drift apart a little bit because it’s easy to lose your focus on time for yourselves because all of your time is given to the baby.

Rachel I would say that the biggest challenge is for our relationship. Because having children definitely has a big impact upon our marriage. The fact that we have less time together – my time is taken up with the baby a lot with feeding – and lack of sleep, making sure that we still love each other.

Mandie And I think we’ve really tried – consciously tried, haven’t we, (Mm) to look after our marriage as well as devoting time to the children.

Alan I remember one time when I was about – I think I was about ten – I said to my mum, `You love me more than Dad!’ And she said, `No, Dad comes first.’ And I suppose Dianne comes first, but the children are really important, but our relationship is what must be the foundation of our marriage. And that filters down to the children. And I still remember that line. I was hurt, but it was like a boundary that was correct. And I have to remember that. We do invest our time in our marriage together!

OUT 00:28:21

SILAFor those of you who are parenting as a couple, we can’t emphasise enough how important it is to look after your relationship. We run another course called The Marriage Course and we’d strongly encourage you to go on it, or something similar, whether you’re married or not. Investing in your couple relationship will make a huge difference, not only to you, but also to your children.

If you’re parenting on your own, it’s very helpful for your children to see healthy role models of two parent families.

Insert – 1.11 Single parents – finding role models of two-parent familiesIN 00:28:46Eli As a single parent it’s crucial to have good role models around you.

Shona When we go to church they get to see two-parent families, and they see how life is different for them. And they see that their parents aren’t always so stressed out, They haven’t got the struggles that I have to deal with – they get to balance it out between two people. And I really want them to see the good side of having a two-parent family.

Eli So extended family and friends, and that’s been very important to us, for her to have these role models that she still looks up to now and has a lot of respect for.

Shona I really want them just to grow seeing it. Rather than me having to tell them, I want them to see from their friends and from other people around them how important marriage is and how people benefit from it, and how it shapes society.

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OUT 00:29:33

SILAIf you’re separated or divorced, we’d want to encourage you to do everything you can to maintain the best possible relationship with your child’s other parent. It may well involve effort and perseverance, but it can make a huge difference to a child’s happiness and well-being.

We know a fourteen-year-old boy, whose parents split up four years ago. He told us what it meant for him when his parents made a hard decision to come to his school together. He said, ‘A couple of months ago it was my birthday and I was playing in a football match. All I wanted was for my parents to be there. It was one of the best days of my life just to see them together.’

Insert – 1.12 Single parents – keeping good relationships with exIN 00:30:07Eli Keeping a relationship going with my daughter’s father has not been easy all the

time. In the beginning I found it very difficult because I had lots of hurts. And I think I felt quite proud at the beginning that I was doing it on my own, and I resented him having any part in it. So I didn’t make enough of an effort. I always made an effort not to say anything bad about him, but I found it very difficult to say anything good. And, with hindsight, I think I should have tried a bit harder.

Shona So they will see, you know, sometimes mummy and daddy don’t get on, and then they see they are getting on really well. You know, like with my son’s dad, he’ll come over for a meal sometimes, we’ll talk on the phone. And my son and my daughter both see that we can get on well for the sake of them. So they do see that, although there’s ups and downs, we can be positive towards each other.

OUT 00:31:00

NICKYFinally, children learn to relate through practising relationships with a brother or sister (if they have one) and with friends. They are learning to love. Now, I understand that you may not describe sibling relationships quite like that! However, in family life, they are learning to play and have fun together and to look out for each other. They are learning how to handle arguments; they’re learning slowly (with our help) how to apologise and to forgive. They are learning to get on.

Insert – 1.13 Liam, Hannah and Christian – sibling relationshipsIN 00:31:31Liam I know from the start Mum and Dad have been, from their experience of their

actual brothers and sisters, they’re not very close – they’ve actually wanted us and worked very hard for us to bond. For about twenty years me and Christian have actually shared a room. (Mm) All up to, I think I was twenty we shared a room – and a bunk bed! Which, you know, you learn to tolerate each other as men! Touching from top to bottom and sharing a room, you learn to get along, I

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suppose!

Hannah But growing up, there is like that awkwardness. Like if he brought his friends round, it’s like ‘Oh, go away, sister, you’re like weird!’ or whatever. But, you know, as you grow up you get more mature, and obviously you bond with the opposite sex and stuff. So it’s actually a lot easier to get along. You actually realise you’ve got cool brothers or – and the coolest sister.

Christian Yeah!

Liam Thanks!

Christian – you do have cool brothers!

OUT 00:32:18

NICKYNo family is perfect – we may be struggling in our marriage, we may be parenting on our own, we may be experiencing sibling rivalry. No doubt, we will be acutely aware of our inadequacies. But still, the family is the best training ground where children learn invaluable lessons for life.

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSIONWe want you to turn now in your manuals to the exercise called ‘Taking stock of your parenting’. And what we suggest is that you look over those statements and think about how true each one is for you as a family. The aim is to get you to think about what your priorities are as a parent.

END OF PART 1

Part 2: Patterns for a healthy family life

SILAWelcome back – we are now going to move on to Part 2 – How we establish patterns for a healthy family life.

As parents one of the most empowering things we can do is to set aside time to step back and think about our parenting, and ask ourselves some questions.Questions like, ‘What’s our vision for our family life? What are our goals? What do we want our children’s memories to be, of us and of their home, in twenty years time?’

Will our children associate our home with: Having fun together as a family, being a place where they are listened to, knowing where the boundaries lie and knowing that, when they got it wrong, there was forgiveness and a new start?

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In this section, we want to look at three practical ways we can be deliberate in putting our goals into action.

These things aren’t complicated, but they can be challenging and may mean we have to make some changes in our routines, habits and lifestyle. But, as we do so, we can be confident we are building on the right foundations.

NICKY

1. The importance of play

First, the importance of play. Children thrive on play – they need masses of it. Jean Piaget, the child psychologist, said, ‘Play is the work of children.’ Play comes naturally to them and as parents we must allow, and even encourage, them to play, even though it may be messy or noisy, and seem to us like a waste of time.

Insert – 1.14 Sue Palmer, parent and children – playIN 00:36:08

Sue Palmer Play to adults does not look like very much. It’s really kids just messing about. Often we get conned into buying them expensive toys and so on, but they don’t need that. Play is the natural drive to explore and learn that is in every child. And it’s absolutely essential to their development in every way – socially, cognitively, emotionally and physically. Without real play, children are going to be developmentally at risk.

Shona My son loves to play with cars and doing painting and play-dough. They both love to make up little fantasies with animals and Barbie dolls. And my daughter just loves to play things like football, and then she’ll go to the other extreme of wanting to do hair and nails and girly things.

Fergus And I chase Bart sometimes in the house.

Bart And we sometimes throw water-bombs!

Oscar Well, I play with these magnetic things, that you have like a ball and you attach things to it, and you make like motorbikes and helicopters and stuff.

Tara Me and my mum always play, like, Scrabble.

Kate I do a lot of reading indoors when it’s a rainy day or something. And I help my brother with reading when he needs it. And I just pretty much read all the time!

Drew I would play with my Lego, ’cos I love Lego!

James When I was younger, I used to always play imaginative games with my sister.

Emma Well, we like playing board games and card games sometimes.

Matthew Yeah. Board games, a bit of card games. We’re not really good at card games.

OUT 00:37:50

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NICKYOf course, there are many different types of play. For example, indoor play such as sitting on the floor with a nine-month-old building bricks; doing jigsaws with a toddler; cooking or painting or making things with an older child. Sometimes the best toys don’t need to cost much.

I remember when our children were all little and we had to get a new washing machine. We gave them the box that it came in to play with. I cut out a window on one side and a door on the other and turned it into the best play house they ever had. And it lasted slightly longer than the washing machine!

There’s also outdoor play - going to the park so they can run and jump and go on the swings or the slide; going to the adventure playground or climbing trees; allowing them to take risks (within sensible guidelines); learning to swim, to rollerblade or to ride a bike. Just getting outside and having some space is good for everyone.

Insert – 1.15 Parents and children – outdoor playIN 00:38:44

Taryn They have a playhouse outside, which has their sort of garden toys in it, and just outside things. And they like doing make-believe stuff out there and cooking and playing house.

Charlie Me and Tom and Mimi used to play this water game. We used to fill up my brother’s little water bucket. Because he’d got a water-gun, and we used to always fill it up, and we used to make a track down the trampoline – we slided down it. (Mm!) We poured some water on everybody!

Ellie If Dad’s outside, we normally help him with the gardening.

Interviewer Well, do you like doing that?

Ellie Yeah! We used to get in some old clothes and then start doing it. It’s really fun.

Oscar We play this army game, like he’s an army tank and I’m a submarine. And we pretend like there’s an army attacking, and we have to go and like run to the base round the back.

Mark Some of the really like simple things are just sticks and rocks!

Taryn That’s it!

Mark And sand and water. They go ballistic about those sort of things. And our oldest son is just into bugs, and he’ll come and run up to you with a caterpillar in his hand or a… We had a blindworm recently as well, which is like a lizard without legs, but it looks like a snake, so it caused a bit of reaction from people in the general neighbourhood!

Taryn Yeah!

Luke I like playing outside with my friends with my light-sabres, ’cos I’ve got lots of them,

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and whacking bushes, and playing on the swing sometimes.

Shona We go down to the park. She will, somewhere, no matter where she goes, she will find a snail that she believes is an orphan and needs a home. So she then spends hours collecting leaves and twigs and things to make homes, of bedrooms and gardens and food and tables, for the snails, and then gets really distraught if it’s time to leave it! [laughs]

OUT 00:40:36

NICKYAs well as developing their imagination and creativity, another important benefit of play is the social dimension. As they play with other children they learn to share, to take it in turns, to communicate, to resolve arguments – to make friends.

SILAA lot of our children’s play will be and should be on their own or with a brother or sister, but some of it needs to be with us.

I remember one very wet summer’s day in Scotland, when our children were aged between six and twelve, and I was tempted to say that they could all stay inside and watch a DVD. But, we went outside instead and ended up sliding down a steep, very muddy hill on black plastic dustbin bags. We came back completely soaked and covered in mud from head to toe and they thought it was the best day of the whole holiday.

Our children want to be where the fun is – and encouraging them to play makes our home a fun place to be.

Some parents find it hard to allow play. Various things can get in the way. Perhaps we’re anxious that they’ll get hurt. Maybe it’s because we want to be in control – or we’ve organised too much for them, or we’re just too busy ourselves.

However, the biggest threat to active, healthy play comes from a child sitting in front of a screen for hours each day, convenient though that might be for parents.

Insert – 1.16 Dr Aric Sigman – real life experience/computersIN 00:41:54

Dr Aric Sigman

When children are spending time in front of a screen, they’re not spending time doing other things. Television screens and other screens are displacing real-life experience. And, in computer terms, before children can do anything in the virtual world they first have to `upload’ information about the real world. Children have to play. They have to touch things. They have to see real people, and to see real people’s expressions on their faces, and look at the sky, and do sorts of things that you and I may take for granted – but this is data that hasn’t been uploaded into children’s brains yet, and it has to be before they start watching the virtual versions on a computer or on a television screen.

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OUT 00:42:36

SILAClearly allowing a young child to watch an appropriate DVD for a short while is not going to damage him or her for life. But we do have to control how much and exactly what it is that our children are watching.

It’s important to ask ourselves questions about the content – is this providing wholesome entertainment or is it a negative influence? One mother we know with children aged six and three told us she never lets her children watch the news, because of the shocking images they might see.

And we need to think about the amount of screen time – is it healthy relaxation, perhaps by allowing them to unwind after school, or is it harmful inactivity? And about the effect on the family – is it leading to family bonding or is it isolating family members from each other?

Insert – 1.17 Dr Aric Sigman, parents and children – TVIN 00:43:22

Dr Aric Sigman

The age at which our children start to watch television, and the number of hours a day they watch, irrespective of whether those programmes are so-called ‘educational’ or not, has a health impact on our children And therefore the recommendations are that children under three should not have any screen time – that means television or DVDs – ideally, and children who are older than that should be watching a lot less than they are now. So really all the way up until adulthood we really ideally shouldn’t be spending more than two hours a day in front of a television screen.

Girl (VOX POP) Well, they think it’s bad that, if you watch too much, like it’s bad for your imagination.

Dianne Or sometimes I set a time limit. I set the oven timer for an amount of time, and then when that programme is over that they’re watching, he has to turn it off. That’s practical.

Alan I think the timer is actually a good thing, because you can get involved in other things at home and you forget how long they’ve been on the TV!

Sijeong Well, we used to let them watch TV quite, you know, long hours. But now we decide to play with them instead of letting them watch TV.

Pandora And we got rid of television. We didn’t have television for about ten years. Ten years we went without a television. And the children did so well at school. They were laughing and joking with each other, they were playing games. It was fun!

Liam I think we would come back from school, when you flick on TV and watch kids’ TV up until dinnertime, when you’re very younger. (Mm) And then we said – we moved off and went actually into the country, where it was hard to get reception, so at that point they decided no. And it was near the summer, and so we went outside, and we were on an estate thing of thirty-two acres – it was quite big – with other families. And we went outside and we played. And then there was no time to watch TV. We didn’t want to watch TV. We would get home and run

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outside.

OUT 00:45:13

NICKYWhether or not you have a TV in your home, we would certainly advise against your children having a TV in their own bedroom.

Insert – 1.18 Dr Aric Sigman – TVs in bedroomsIN 00:45:20

Dr Aric Sigman

There seems to be an unwillingness on the part of parents to either prevent or remove TV sets from children’s bedrooms. And yet, for example, if we’re concerned about obesity, we know that if we put a refrigerator in our child’s bedroom they will eat more. If we put a television set in our child’s bedroom they will watch more. So if you have a television set in a young child’s bedroom, they will watch a lot more television – we know that as a fact; and secondly, of course, we will not have control over what they watch.

OUT 00:45:48

NICKYAnd the same goes for electronic games, whether in your home or on handheld devices – we need to limit the time they are spending on them and check the games they are playing.

Insert – 1.19 Lucinda Fell – computer gamesIN 00:45:58Lucinda Fell Video and computer games are very popular with children. And those are games

that can be played on handheld devices – they can now be played on phones, and on consoles and on a PC. And it’s really important as a parent to be aware of the ratings on that game. Much like videos, games have ratings, and that can give you a guide to the type of content that is in that game and whether it’s appropriate for your child.

OUT 00:46:22

NICKYSo, we recommend playing electronic games with or alongside our children initially, so that we know what images they’re seeing and that we’re happy with the content – as what they see they can never unsee.

If we have more than one child, we may have to work harder to find games that are suitable for older and younger siblings to play together, or else have clear rules in place.

For parents, working out these boundaries will be an ongoing challenge requiring discussion and negotiation. Our aim as they grow up is to help them develop self-control so that they monitor their own usage.

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Insert – 1.20 Parents and children – boundaries with technologyIN 00:46:58

Niyi And if there’s one real challenge which we have to revisit again and again, it is that: the boundaries for technology. How much time on television or watching the television, how much time on the computer and on Facebook, how much time using various other gadgets that are in the house?

Kate It’s just when I’ve done my homework, done some reading, done some keyboard practice and done some tennis practice, stuff like that, and then I can play five minutes on the computer.

Mandy Matthew loves his games console, and he would happily play on that twenty-four/seven if I let him. So what I did was to ask him what he thought would be a reasonable time. And I negotiated with him and got him to come up with a plan of when he thought that would be reasonable, and he did that, and he’s stuck to it.

OUT 00:47:58

SILASo the first feature of building a healthy family life is the importance of active play.

2. The importance of bonding

A second feature is the importance of bonding, developing a deep connection with our children.

For children LOVE is spelt T – I – M – E. Today, however, there is so much pressure on our time.

Insert – 1.21 Rob Parsons – the slower dayIN 00:48:20

Rob Parsons You know, so often with our children we say to ourselves, ‘Of course I want to spend time with them – but when a slower day comes. When we’ve decorated the back bedroom. When I’ve passed the exams. When life is quieter at the office.’ I have a hunch that that slower day never does come – it is a total illusion. Most of us create busyness from within. If there’s anything that matters to us, we need to make time for it now.

OUT 00:48:46

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SILASpending time with the people who matter most in our lives doesn’t just happen – we have to make it happen.

We hear a lot today about quality time, by which we mean creating moments when we give our children our undivided attention. People reason that if they can’t give their children the amount of time they’d like, quality time will make up for it.

Now, of course quality time with each child is very important and we’ll talk more about that in the next session, but so also is quantity time – us being around our children and our children being around us.

Children need both quality time and quantity time with their parents – from their first moments of life.

Insert – 1.22 Sue Palmer – attachmentIN 00:49:19

Sue Palmer The first year or so of a little one’s life is desperately important from the point of view of familiar faces, familiar places, setting up a safe, secure environment so that attachment can happen – all the hugely important issues of self-esteem and feelings about themselves. But also setting up habits of behaviour, the sort of default mechanism regarding things like sleep and eating and calming that will be with that child for the rest of its life.

OUT 00:49:50

SILANeuroscientists tell us that a child’s ‘internal map’ is largely determined by the relationships formed during the first eighteen months of their life. This leads to a dilemma for many of us today about the issue of work.

Most parents will wrestle at some time or another with the question of how much time they should leave their child or children in the care of someone else – whether that’s at a day care centre or with a childminder, nanny, au pair, grandparent or some other relative.

There are hard and complex choices to make – particularly for mothers, with a career they enjoy or with a job that’s hard to take a break from, as well as those struggling financially who have to work fulltime.

Our conviction is that, if at all possible, one of the parents should be the main caregiver for the first eighteen months and ideally, until our child begins at school, around five years old.

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If a parent, for whatever reason, can’t be the main caregiver (that is the adult with whom the child spends most of their time), the next best thing is to have one consistent person looking after them who they get to know and trust.

Actually today there are increasing opportunities for parents to work part-time or flexi-hours, or to job share, or to work from home, and this can all help parents to combine work and family life so they can still be the main caregiver.

Insert – 1.23 Parents – working/parenting balanceIN 00:51:10

Eli When I was working full-time, I found the most important thing was to work out my priorities with parenting and trying to get the right balance with work and parenting. So, you can’t do everything – no one is Supermum or Superdad – and I found I was cutting corners with things like housework or beautifully prepared meals, and choosing to spend more time with my daughter. And that was more important.

Mark I try and set aside the weekend for family time. And it’s really important to me, it’s important to both of us, (Mm) that we have that family time together. And so I’ll try and ensure that any extra work I have to do is done during the week, and really try and set aside the Saturday/Sunday time for all of us to be together.

OUT 00:52:01

NICKYAlmost every parent has to make sacrifices of some sort. It may mean a change in our lifestyle such as downsizing our house or car or not progressing in our career as fast as we’d like for the sake of time with our children.

These early years are critical for the bonding process to happen between parent and child. It’s so easy to think we’re indispensible at work, but the fact is, the only place we’re really indispensible is at home.

Insert – 1.24 Sue Palmer and parents – lifestyle choicesIN 00:52:28

Sue Palmer A lot of people ask about how you adapt your lifestyle in the very early years to do the best for children. And I always have to answer that little children don’t actually care about lifestyle; they care about love. That’s what’s most important. So the big thing is consistent, one-on-one loving care, and forget lifestyle!

Shona We didn’t get the balance right at all. So I think that having that stay-at-home time with your children is really important, to be able to just be Mum. And I think that is a really big important part to play, to know that eventually I will go off to work and provide financially for my family, but at the moment they need a mum.

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OUT 00:53:07

NICKYThe time we spend with our children is more powerful in communicating our love to them than anything we say. But, as most of us will know, it’s so hard to make that time, but we must make it happen if we are to build a deep connection with them.

Insert – 1.25 Rob Parsons – time with childrenIN 00:53:27

Rob Parsons My children are grown now. But I remember when Katie was four years old I’d be reading her a bedtime story and the phone would ring downstairs. And she’d say, ‘Daddy, please don’t take it now!’ ‘I’ll be back in a moment, Kate.’ And I’d take that call, then another call, then another call, and then after thirty minutes I’d realise I’d not finished the bedtime story. And I’d rush back upstairs, and the light would still be on, and the book would be on the pillow by her head where I’d left it, but little eyes had fought to stay awake as long as they possibly could.And do you know the funny thing about that? I’ve lived an interesting life – I’ve written some books, I’ve been a lawyer, I’ve lectured all over the world, I’ve had thousands of urgent calls, all described as urgent; but as I look back, I can’t remember one that couldn’t have waited ten minutes while I finished a bedtime story. But at the time it seemed so important, and I can’t quite remember why.

OUT 00:54:14

NICKY

3. Establishing routines

A third way of building a healthy family life is through establishing routines.

Children flourish where there’s routine. Order and stability are deeply comforting for them. Routine brings a sense of security and safety.

One of the healthiest, most important routines is family mealtimes. There is a huge benefit for children in sitting round a table eating meals together, talking, laughing, discussing as a family, listening to each other. They are learning how to relate to others.

Insert – 1.26 Dr Aric Sigman – family mealtimesIN 00:54:45

Dr Aric Sigman

When we look exactly at what’s happening at the dinner table, it’s almost like having a debrief at the end of the day, where each person can offload what they felt, what they experienced. Parents can comment on things. And at a subtle level, children learn when to interrupt in a conversation. They learn about the

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sound of language and learn manners. They learn how to react to someone else’s behaviour, what someone else is saying. These sound like subtle things, but they’re actually very technical things. And a table is a perfect medium, it’s a perfect arena for children to learn these vital life skills.

OUT 00:55:22

NICKYWhen it becomes a regular routine children see eating meals around a table together as completely normal. So, rather than different family members in different rooms, in front of their own TV, eating a different meal, everyone is eating the same food, in the same place, at the same time. And it can become one of the best things we do as a family.

SILAAs I was growing up, my father was a great storyteller – and particularly at mealtimes. He would tell the same stories again and again, many of them from his own childhood. We knew all the punch lines by heart, but we’d still laugh at them. And, as children, hearing these stories being retold gave us a great sense of belonging to and identifying with our family.

Of course mealtimes can easily become the number one battleground for parents. All of us have to get through the stage of food being thrown on the floor, children messing around, getting off chairs, not wanting to eat this or that. Our advice to you is persevere – don’t think: ‘Mealtimes will never work for our family.’

Insert – 1.27 Parents – eating togetherIN 00:56:25

Sam For us, the challenges were we didn’t have a designated place to eat. And a wise friend of ours said, ‘You know, if there’s one thing that you need, it’s a dining room table that you can sit round and eat as a family.’ In fact, he said, you know, ‘Sell something else to get one!’ That’s how important they felt it was. And we took that advice on. And when we completed our back room we put a table and chairs there. And it’s been definitely a very rewarding thing to do.

Madeleine Family mealtimes are important, not just because we’re all together in one room. We’re doing the same thing, and I think the dynamic of the way you just sit together is very communicative. I think they know that we’re not going to pick up the phone or leave the room halfway through a conversation – which I do a lot because of the juggling of family life! I think they know they’ve got us there, and there’s a real fluidity to the way the family communicates and engages.

Tony And it’s a time like that when you pick up when one of the children’s having a problem or an off day or an issue with a friend or an issue with a teacher. You know, and sometimes they almost get competitive to tell you what they’re doing. And I tend to start, you know, asking my son first: ‘Yeah, what did you do at school today?’ and then the others are dying to tell me something. And then by the time they’ve finished, he’s trying to tell me something else. And every so often the children will naturally ask me what was my day like?

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Taryn I spend quite a lot of time underneath the table, cleaning up!

Mark Not only under the table but also on the wall as well! [they laugh]

Dianne We’ve got one particularly fussy eater, and so it’s trying to cook something that we’ll all eat. I try to… And we try and sit at the table, and we chat about the day. But sometimes in theory that sounds great but actually it ends up that you sit there and one’s whingeing because he doesn’t like onions! And they’re bickering and they’re fighting with each other, and they’re kicking and they’re pushing, and I’m trying to tell them to eat with their mouth closed! And sometimes it’s just more mayhem, isn’t it, and you think, ‘Oh, it’s meant to be nice! It’s meant to be all family sitting here together,’ and we end up…! [laughs]

Alan Which is great! That’s all fun when we’re eating, that makes…! [laughs]

Dianne It’s like a war zone! It’s like a war zone!

Alan But it’s sometimes in those times when there is a bit of mayhem in the dining room, sitting round the table together, (Mm) that you capture those little glimpses (Yeah) of their lives and where they’re at. And those are the times that you actually love, and they say something deep at those moments. And sometimes it’s just by the close contact, being together, that you actually (Yeah) really talk. (Mm)

OUT 00:59:03

NICKYAnother important routine for family life is what happens around bedtime.

Having a regular bedtime routine has huge benefits for children. It provides a positive end to the day, and it helps a child who’s hyped up, over-tired or over-excited to calm down.

Having a nightly routine helps them understand our expectation, which is that bedtime is bedtime, and that they’ll soon be going to sleep.

Recent research shows that children in the UK are suffering from an epidemic of sleep deprivation. Creating a bedtime routine will help children to get enough sleep to be able to function well.

Insert – 1.28 Dr Aric Sigman – bedtimesIN 00:59:39

Dr Aric Sigman

Sleep is just as important as air and food and water for a child’s development, for a whole variety of reasons. Looking at the effects on the brain, for example, if children don’t have enough sleep they cannot learn as well – they actually learn and consolidate information while they’re asleep. In addition to that, there are also benefits to their immune system. And of course their emotional behaviour the next day is profoundly affected by sleep deprivation. So sleep is important for reasons that range from immunity to disease to the ability to learn what they’ve studied in school to their behaviour the next day – and their ability to pay attention to you as a parent and what you say to them.

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OUT 01:00:18

NICKYThis chart, based on medical research, gives an indication of how much sleep children need for their age over a 24-hour period.

Babies, aged 3 to 11 months, need 14 to 15 hours. Toddlers, aged 12 to 35 months, need between 12 and 14 hours. 3 to 6 year olds need between 11 and 13 hours, 7 to11 year olds need between 10 and 11 hours.

Good sleep patterns don’t just happen – we have to teach them. Sometimes that’s really hard.

I can still remember the battles with one of our children who refused to stay in bed. At one point we nearly gave up but we persisted and eventually he got the message and the battle was won.

Being confident that having enough sleep is important for our children’s wellbeing helps us to persevere in getting them to bed. And routine is a great way to do it. Routine means it becomes familiar; it becomes the norm.

SILAThe bedtime routine also provided us with a daily opportunity to spend special time with our children. For me it was a top priority and Nicky tried to be there whenever possible within the context of his work.

Now, we’re not suggesting that bedtime in our home was always this wonderful scene of calmness and smiles – far from it! And often I’d long for the time when they would be old enough to put themselves to bed. But, looking back, I can see that the nightly routine, week after week, month after month and year after year, was a great opportunity to connect and communicate with them in a special way, and we always took the opportunity to say a prayer with each of them before turning the light off and saying goodnight.

We’ve talked to a lot of parents about the benefits of bedtime routines, not just for their children, but so they themselves are not constantly exhausted. We know that achieving a routine has involved a fair amount of frustration and tears along the way and has required perseverance.

Insert – 1.29 Parents – bedtime routineIN 01:02:15

Rachel Bedtime is my forte. I am a teacher, and everything is organised to the last T. So much so that Sam has to fit into the routine!

Taryn After baths we have stories. Usually Mark’s home by then, and then he reads the stories. And everyone’s quiet and enjoys cuddling up with Mark. And then we brush

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teeth, and then everybody jumps into their bed.

Barbara I think it’s important for Samuel to have a routine at bedtime, because otherwise he would play up. And, you know, everyone is much more tired at that time of the evening.

Shona We do get the odd time they’ll be kind of ‘Mum, can I have this? Mum, can I have that?’ just because they’re not ready to go to bed. But I just find just not giving in to them – just saying, ‘No, you’ve had all day to go to the toilet. You’ve had all day to have a drink. Now’s time for bed.’ They have to know the strict boundaries that are in place and stick with it.

Mark Yeah, and a bit of a wind-down routine just to say, ‘What was the best thing that happened today? (Yeah!) And was anything really sad that happened today that you want to maybe chat about?’ So it’s an opportunity just to talk.

Taryn Yeah, Mark always asks those questions: ‘What was the best thing? What was the worst thing?’ And it does, it just winds down the day nicely, and we end off on a good note. (Yeah)

OUT 01:03:35

NICKYRoutines can work as well for the morning as for the night time.

Insert 1.30 Parents – morning routineIN 01:03:40

Sam Mornings? We invested in what is a little bunny clock, and we set it for seven o’clock. When it’s time for sleeping the bunny has its eyes closed and ears down, and at seven o’clock it springs awake. Which means that, for children, even if they can’t tell the time, they know that the bunny is still asleep, and they’re not allowed out of their bed until the bunny wakes up. So again that works very, very well in the mornings.

OUT 01:04:06

NICKYOne final routine, that is highly beneficial for children, is family holidays. They build a memory bank of shared experiences and the chance to do something different together. They don’t need to be expensive or to far flung places in order to have a big impact.

Insert – 1.31 Parents and children – family holidaysIN 01:04:22

Oyinkan Going on holiday is fantastic! I mean, it really is what we kind of wait the few months and all the months of grind – suddenly when we’re all together, there’s no pressure, it’s just the most wonderful time.

Matthew Well, we normally go not too far away from England. We don’t actually go out of

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England.

Emma Once we went to…

Matthew Well, sometimes, once or twice, we’ve been to France and Florida.

Emma Florida.

Interviewer Mm-hmm?

Matthew And at summer holidays we’re going to France for two weeks. But we’re going to the Center Parc, which we call the Fish Pool – I don’t know why anymore; I’ve forgotten for some reason. And it’s got lots of swimming pools and slides and activities you can do.

Shona Our holiday last year was so important, because it really just gave us time to bond together, to relax, break from the routine and the norm of everyday life. So we didn’t have to be on a routine or a strict rota; we could just take it at leisure, although the basic rules did have to still apply – they did still have to be well-behaved and keep their manners. But just things like just that little break, like a weekend or week-time’s break from not having to go to bed at a certain time and, you know, not having to be up and out the door at certain times. We could just go at pace. And just relaxing all three of us together was a brilliant bonding time.

OUT 01:05:52

NICKYYou’ll see there are some questions in your manual for discussion now.

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION We have given you some homework to enable you to continue to think about the topics we’ve raised in this session and how to put them into practice in your family life. We have written The Parenting Book and this covers more content on all of the topics we’ll be looking at over the five sessions of this course.

SILAWe’re going to close each session with a short prayer so please stay just as you are as I pray:

‘Lord we thank you so much for the gift of children. We thank you that family life is the best environment for children to grow up in. We pray that you would help each of us to make our families a place of support a place of fun, a place where our children learn important values for life, and a place where they learn what loving others is all about. We ask it in Jesus name, Amen.’

Next time we’ll be focusing on meeting our children’s most important needs. Until then, goodbye.

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