How to Survive a

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSEin the work place

P01-1

CONTENTS

Foreword

How to tell if your boss is a zombie

How to avoid getting eaten on your way to work

Raising a grievance against a zombie

Should you inform your manager?

Should you leave instantly at the first sign of a zombie apocalypse?

Conclusion

P01-1

P02-1

P03-1

P04-1

P05-1

P06-1

P07-1

P01-2

FOREWORD

Imagine a workplace outbreak of a virus that destroys the cognitive skills of all those around and fills them with an unquenchable craving for human flesh. How would you react? It’s something we’ve all asked ourselves, particularly during management presentations on ‘The Direction of the Company’. While you may feel in moments like these as if a zombie apocalypse could be a blessed relief, THIS IS NOT THE CASE. Remember, a zombie apocalypse is for life, not just for Halloween or management presentations. In such an event we advise that you follow our essential tips on how to survive a zombie attack in the workplace.

P02-1Relationships

How to tell if your boss is a zombie

Warning: You can see how easy it can be to confuse normal management behaviour with zombie infection.

The virus affects the cognitive abilities of infect-ed subjects. This may mean they fail to recognise

who you are, overlook basic health & safety issues and eschew sensible dialogue in favour of

a chilling guttural roar.

As you can see from the above list, it can be very difficult to work out whether your boss is

infected or not. As a first step, consult their PA and enquire if the boss was out last night.

It is possible to misinterpret some zombie-infected behaviour and believe that your boss is carrying out a personal vendetta against

you. Try not to be over-sensitive and perhaps ask colleagues about the situation to put your

mind at rest.

You might find that their answer to the question, “When you walk past the boss’s office

do they leap towards its glass walls and begin repeatedly smashing their fists off it while

screaming and foaming at the mouth?”, reassures you that your boss is merely the

carrier of an ultimately mankind-destroying super-plague and doesn’t actually have anything

against you personally.

If, on the other hand, it is just you – perhaps it’s time to stop using their parking space.

health and safety

roaring tendencies

brain dead?

P02-2 Relationships

P03-1Travel advice

How to avoid getting eaten on your way to work

DRIVING

Not being eaten on your commute is the key to a positive working day and, in fact, in most studies its importance is only out-weighed by ‘salary’. Ensuring punctuality also guards against disciplinary action. Bosses are no more inclined to believe

you’re late because, “an army of necrotis-ing warriors tried to masticate my face”, than teachers were to believe that the dog ate your homework. Plan your journey in advance and take the following sensible precautions.

Ensure doors are locked and windows fully up. As a precaution against any zombies managing to find a way to penetrate the car, ensure

that you’re loudly playing Gangnam Style on a loop. Even zombies are over it.

Travel advice

GETTING THE BUS

Always sit upstairs. It won’t protect you against zombies but at least you’ll have the comfort of retaining your street-cred while your limbs are frenziedly gnawed upon.

P03-2

P03-3

GETTING THE TRAIN

Try only to travel between manned stations. Zombies find it really fiddly to get their tickets into the barrier slots.

Travel advice

P03-4 Travel advice

GETTING THE SUBWAY

Stay alert. That group you believe to be some students on the ‘clockwork orange’ pub crawl may in fact be 100% zombie.

relatively safe

extreme caution at all times

extremely perilousDA

NG

ER L

EVEL

S

P04-1Human Resources

Raising a grievance against a zombie

Raising a grievance against a colleague should always be a last resort. Before doing so, you should first try informing the colleague themselves of your discomfort at their actions and try to work through the situation between yourselves.

P04-2 Human Resources

*Being a team player is generally regarded as a positive. However, during any ensuing teambuilding exercises, it’s probably wiser not to accept the instructor’s sugges-tion of slipping on a blindfold and falling backwards into the arms of your drooling, growling, flesh-yearn-ing office-mate.

It’s entirely possible that once you’ve told them that you find it difficult to concentrate on those account reports while they’re devouring the femur of Barry from HR, they’ll stop.

Of course, we realise that not all virus-ravaged flesh-craving automatons respond to reasoned debate, so at this point you should raise the matter with your line manager.

They may be able to arbitrate on the matter to find a mutually satisfactory outcome. For instance, could you agree to your colleague greedily slurping the marrow of a fellow worker while you’re on your break?

Remember, showing a willingness to accommodate the particular needs of other staff will mark you out as a team player.*

ALERT

P05-1Human Resources

Should you inform your manager?

As we’ve discussed previously, you should only contact your manager as a final resort. Remember what the films of Guy Ritchie have taught us – just keep doing that one thing you’re good at. Oh, and that nobody likes a grass.

P05-2 Human Resources

Consider how the atmosphere at the next Christmas party may be if you’re thought to be a whistleblower. After all, one person’s “scavenging the internal organs of the IT support guy” is another’s “letting off a little bit of steam during a stressful day”. Empathy is key. Don’t ask, “Why are Danny and Lisa eating Brian?”, instead ask, “Why am I not eating Brian?”. Perhaps the real obstruction to office morale is you?

Also, try to consider your manager. They’re under pressure from the

regional office at the best of times but all the more so when humanity (aka ‘the market’) is facing the final

battle for survival against a terrifying, murderous, non-sentient horde.

Attempting to hit your monthly targets against that backdrop can mean a time of greater than normal stress. Ask yourself, do you really want to burden them further with your minor concerns over the looming onslaught of a growing undead army within the office?

P06-1Safety etiquette

Should you continue to work or leave instantly at the first sign of a zombie apocalypse?

The temptation may be to walk out at the first sign of trouble but it’s crucial to ask yourself how this will be perceived by future employers; loyalty and conscientiousness are important factors that are highly valued by businesses and organisations.

P06-2 Safety etiquette

How is it going to sound if you mention in an interview that everyone else at your work succumbed to a horrific virus but still managed to make it into the office for 9am, while you left without working your notice?

After all, did Craig quit when you kicked him in the face as he crawled underneath your desk and tried to eat your ankle? No. He stayed at work, got on with things and crawled over to try to bite off Christine’s kneecap instead.

Of course, it may be possible to simply omit this job from your CV… but what if you require a reference? It will be very hard for management to offer a positive statement if you walked out at the first sign of crazed inter-office cannibalism. If you can’t handle that kind of pressure, how are you going to be able to deal with managing the holiday rota over Christmas and New Year?

P06-3Safety etiquette

ALERT

P07-1

CONCLUSION

It’s vital that you continue to follow procedure. Remember, your company will have a workplace zombie virus outbreak protocol in place and it’s in place for the same reason that they have a policy blocking you from Facebook in the workplace – for your own protection. Any effects on productivity rates are entirely coincidental. Also, try not to dwell on the negatives of a zombie attack; these days employers are keen to see workers display a positive mental attitude.*

*If in doubt, always ask yourself, “Is this

terrible situation something that I can personally capitalise

upon?”, or the snappier, “What

would Katie Hopkins do?”.