SEEKcraigslist

March 2009

“I am hoping to find an athletic, fun loving

white female…”

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Contents

seek march 2009

ContentsDepartments:

Seek: Lost and FoundDid you loose something? p.4

Seek: FriendsFind a friend perfect for you! p.5

Seek: Your Soul-MateFind your true love... p.6

3seek march 2009

Contents

Feature:

Why I am not the “Perfect Girl”you are looking for. p. 7-8

“Take some criticism and maybe you’ll meet that 21 year old model virgin you’reso desperately seeking!”

A female craigslister voices her opinion on the guys who are seeking girls on craigslist. She wants men to hear the “reality” of their requests when it comes to women.

Contents Lost and Found

Lost: big box of crickets on the subwayDate: 2006-04-08, 11:33PM EDT

Oh god oh god oh god i hope sumone can find a big brown cardboard box i left on TTC subway at Bloor station!!!

It was a box of 10000 food crickets for my three bearded dragon pets and oh god oh god oh god if anyone opens it things are really gonna be hoppin on the TTC if found contact me unless you are angry and covered

in crickets

REAL dog skeletonDate: 2007-03-26, 4:37PM EDT

Lost dog? I may have found it yester-day.

So I’m updating my wonderful invest-ment property / first home as I always do on the weekends, it was like any other day. While installing a new light fixture, I accidentally let the wire pull back up into the ceiling. The easy solu-tion smash a hole in the plaster and fish the wire through. This was an easy decision as the exsisting plaster was looking pretty disgusting. The ham-mer breached the ceiling, typical of the building, dirt newspaper, garbage, what

you would typically find in a 100+ year old house.

I tried getting my hand in there, wasn’t quite big enough. Once again the mighty hammer pulverizes the stained plaster ceiling, this time my hand fit, there just happened to be a stud in the way. I thought well i’ll just reach over it, again the hammer. I stop. “A bone, thats odd,” I thought to myself, “maybee a mouse drug a chicken leg up here?” At this point I thought it was strange as the bone was rather large. I hit the plaster with the hammer once more as by this point i had a large hole and figured well might as well replace all of it.

“BAM, mother f!@#er,” I declared rather startled. At this point I realized I was no longer dealing with a chicken. Laying on my step was one dog skull! I paused, took a minute to gather myself, returned to the scence, now with resperator and gloves, and carefully removed what was left in the ceiling.

I found no note, no dog tag, only the remains of a dog, wrapped in what seemed to be clear plastic, there were some news paper shards that I tried to get a date off of, they only refrenced the 1880’s.

I must admit I am curious as to the events that led to this happening, a true declaration of “you never know what you are going to find, when you open up those walls”.

So, I have one possibly 100 year old dog skeleton up for sale, i’m not sure if every single last bone is there, but i’m pretty sure i got all of them. I would like to either donate this to some sort of

4 seek march 2009

public school science class / museum. OR sell it. Usually (like this happens to anyone ever) I would just burry this, however I’m pushing bankrupt. I had a foundation wall colapse and that cost me all of my savings, I need not go into my financial situation, only that I have a dog skeleton for purchase / donation. the terms, I want my name displayed somewhere if its a school / museum, (you need to prove whom you say you represent.) or $100

If I feel you are going to defile these remains in anyway, I won’t sell it to you, granted this may be a bit hypocritical as i’m trying to sell the thing, but as my life goes i’d sell this to some freak who would try to have sex with it, get some outrageous infection and then sue me.

This skeleton is definately a biohazard and needs a taxidermist to do whatever it is they do.

Thusly, if anyone lost an averaged size brown dog, within the last oh 100 years, around observatory hill, I FOUND YOUR DOG! Also, if any of you can tell me what stuff like this happens to me ALL THE TIME, that’d be great!

have a nice day! Location: pittsburgh

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or

other commercial interests

PostingID: 300855094

5seek march 2009

friendsJust Another Loser Looking for Friends Reply to: pers-d7eyy-1072821185@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Date: 2009-03-13, 1:43AM PDT

Hello, I am a socially awkward 18 year old female in need of some friends. Seriously, I only have one friend, it’s sad. Anyway, my interests include wandering around, horror as a genre, aquariums, roaming the internet, puzzle games, listen-ing to music, reading, petting cats, and baking. I don’t drink, but smoke occasionally. When it comes to music, I like rock, metal, electronica, some rap, some pop, and various other stuff, but I can’t/won’t tolerate listening to gangsta/club rap, country, overly religious bullshit, and shitty/pretentious indie music. If you’re into those things, that’s cool, just don’t make me listen to it. I don’t watch that much TV, but rather enjoy cartoons, animal documentaries, How It’s Made, a few shows on BBC America, and cooking shows (cause I’m a fatty and ALL fatties love cooking shows). I like the same type of books as I do movies, which are horror (old school is the best), some comedy, and some sci-fi. So yeah, if you wanna chat or some-thing, email me, k.

Location: SE

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1072821185

My BFF Needs a Friend Reply to: pers-q5egx-1072802757@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Date: 2009-03-13, 12:31AM PDT

Hi, My best friend recently moved to Vancouver from Central Oregon. She has been searching for work and in desperate need of new friendships as she stays at home all day because she knows no one in the area. She bothers us (our circle of friends) with calls and texts all day long telling us how bored & lonely she is and how she wishes she knew someone that would show her around and maybe go out with her for the occasional cup of coffee or cocktail. Does anyone know of a place she can go like a club for women or a gym, coffee shop ect... that will allow her to meet new people in the area? We are worried she will get so homesick that she will throw away her relationship and everything she gave up to move back here to CO. Anyone with kids would be great, she has a 7 yr old son who also needs some little pals. Thanks a Million!

“Freaks or Psychos need not apply” ;)

Location: Vancouver/PDX

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1072802757

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Contents

seek march 2009

Looking for my SOLE-mateDate: 2008-08-24, 8:19AM PDT

My name is Right Shoe. I am a right shoe - Skechers circa 2003. I lost my “sole” mate on Saturday in Otay Mesa. His name was Left Shoe.

You see, my owner, Left Shoe, and I were skydiving together, and as the chute opened, Left Shoe, my partner of 5 years, went flying away. I knew this would happen... I tried to tell my owner to tie us better, but he just wouldn’t listen. (My owner has been learning how to speak Shoe... but talking to him is mostly like talking to a brick wall)

Left Shoe and I have been inseparable these past few years, ever since we got identical Made In China tattoos. It’s like we were made for each other; we were even the same size & color, and we enjoyed the same activities. We traveled everywhere together, and we were even planning on going to Japan together in September.

Some people say Left Shoe jumped on purpose. Sure, we weren’t in our prime anymore; Left Shoe especially got a lot of comments about being tattered and over the hill. But I know Left Shoe and he wouldn’t do that to me. It was a bad day for Left Shoe because in the morn-ing he stepped in gum, and then later

he stepped in an unknown substance on the port-a-potty floor. But he was fine, and was excited to go skydiving. Left Shoe was resilient like that.

I really miss Left Shoe. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may never see him again. But I really just want to know what happened to Left Shoe... Did he land in a lake? or did the winds carry him out to sea? or did he leave a little crater somewhere from the impact? or maybe he burned up on re-entry in a blazing fireball of glory.

If you know anything about what hap-pened to Left Shoe, please contact me. I know I can’t hope that Left Shoe is still alive, but I just want to know what became of Left Shoe... All my thoughts & prayers... Right ShoePostingID: 810581297

Can I be your pumpkin?Date: 2009-01-01, 11:46AM PST

Hello all you delicious men in craigslist land!!

I’m looking for a long term (I already have our rings picked out) relationship with the perfect man. You need to be tall, beautiful, well built, oozing with lean rock hard muscles, and have thick dark hair. You need to be smart and college educated (PHD preferred). You of course need to have a great stable job where you make TONS of money for me to spend in any frivolous way I can think of. You need to be AWESOME in the sack with a huge package and have complete ejaculation control, so

my intimate needs can be met each and every time you are lucky enough to have me. You must love kids because I have 7(don’t worry the state has them for now). You also must LOVE my cats and instantly memorize the names and ages of all 12 of them. I have a hard time moving around so I bathe with a wash rag on a stick and you must be willing to get the parts I cant reach. You must also be willing to fight other fat women off the electric shopping carts in large stores so I can ride them in comfort while shopping. My image of perfection can change at any time, depending on mood, time of the month, etc.. You are required to conform to my changing expectations with little or no input from me. But enough about you.

I’m oddly enough shaped like a pump-kin.... LOL. I am very obese (I just got sweatin to the oldies so I’m working on it )and as I mentioned I cant move around very well, I do have a few minor medical problems. I have a bedsore on my ass from the computer chair I’m in all day. However I did recently get a blow up donut so that’s finally healing up. The area between my belly and my huge pendulous breasts doesn’t get much air so I have a few sores under there, I prop the ladies up with dvd boxes to improve air circulation whilst I surf the net so that should be improving soon as well. I just love the way cats freshen up any living space, I like the way they smell and you should too!! I also LOVE, chocolate, LOTS of it (ice cream form is acceptable also). I have long dirty blond hair that I comb in such a way that you can hardly notice my dandruff and pattern baldness. I love to snuggle, just not on bath day (bath day is for me to enjoy). I have a massive col-lection of sexy floral moo moo’s so you will never be without a little eye candy *wink*. Many of them just need to be washed and they’ll look like brand new.

Kisses and bonbons... me it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or

other commercial interests

PostingID: 976506720

your soul mate

7seek march 2009

Why I am not the “Perfect Girl”

you are looking for.

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Contents

seek march 2009

“Why I am not the perfect girl you are looking for.”

For a while now, I’ve been posting and hunting on Craigslist. I get bored at work a lot, and it seems to pass the time. Ev-ery guy on here seems to think that he is God’s gift to mankind (not even just the women…). Joe Schmoe posts on here looking for the brilliant, model, single, virgin, wealthy etc etc girl. Do you smell that? Cause its time to wake up and take a hugeeee whiff of that folgers.Regardless, here’s some of my commen-tary. (Taken directly from posts in Men Seeking Women)

“I am hoping to find an athletic, fun loving white female…” Ok. Ath-letic? So, should I like be on a team or something? Do you want me to be able to kick your ass when we wrastle? Fun lov-ing? No…I hate fun. Fun is the worst thing ever. You try to have fun with me and the consequences will be dire.

“looking for friend with beniftits” *sigh* Where do I start, young sir? There is a section dedicated solely to you getting your johnson stroked. Its called NSA! And what “beniftits” were you looking for? Perhaps some spelling/grammar les-sons? I’d be happy to tutor you. Maybe I’m viewing this entirely the wrong way? Maybe you are in fact extremely clever and were using a play on words? Benef-tits? I think not.

“im 6’4” 270lbs blk straight teeth” Black straight teeth? Maybe you should spend your time at the dentist rather than Craig-slist. Or, use a flippin comma.

“If you are fake, I have no time for you.” Sorry sugar. But honestly, you don’t want to see 99% of the women out there without a little fakeness. Otherwise you’d slit your wrists. Everyone fudges the truth a little. *ahem* “No honey! You don’t look fat in those jeans at all…” Would you rather me tell you what I REALLY think about you when you come up to me at *insert random bar name here*? I don’t think so. BTW, you have spinach in your teeth.

“I am looking for a woman who takes care of her self” I would hope that would be one of your requirements. I can’t see someone asking for a woman who doesn’t shower? Doesn’t buy clothing that fits? Doesn’t pay her bills? I’m confused.

“i want to look into your eyes and tell you how much more beautiful they are than the stars.” Weed and Craigslist ads do NOT mix! Stop making me vomit. Punch me in the face or something instead…Jeez.

“I am looking to meet some one special that would like to start as friends and build from there.” Really? Because I prefer mar-riage immediately. F this friends sh*t.

“I also want to get to meeting without 6 mos. of useless messeges” Would 5 months be ok? I’m not sure if I’ll be able to tell if you’re genuinely not a serial killer until then.

“Im only five eight 130lbs so no big girls or bbws” I dub this the ‘no fatties’ clause. Don’t you know big girls is [sic] freaks!?!11?! And eww, 130? I think my 95yo grandmother weighs more than that.

“I am a spontaneous person so I like to do a variety of things” I chose to spend my day doing the same thing over and over and over again. Like washing my hands. It makes me feel better. INVISIBLE BUGS! For future reference: Spontaneous: hap-

pening or arising without apparent exter-nal cause (this does not mean you like doing a variety of things, loser).

“I’m 5’6’brown eyes,38 old,no child,but like.” Please press 1 for English. No child, but like. You are child-like? You like no child? You like children? Sorry, the sub-scription for my dumbass translator is expired.

“likes to be outdoors but does not mind stayin indoors sumtimes” Is that like, breathing or not breathing? I was under the impression that indoors and outdoors were the only two options that humans had. Again, confused.

“I am hoping to find an athletic, fun loving white female…”What if I’m just financially bankrupt?

Anyway, I’m ending my rant there. And, if I’ve pulled from your ad, and you’re of-fended…Get the hell over it. Take some criticism and maybe you’ll meet that 21 year old model virgin you’re so desper-ately seeking.Location: VBit’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 980725217