S P R I N G 2 0 2 0

Issue 33

GOOD GRIEF!Time and time again our Family Transition Workers hear from our pre-adoptive “maybe-families” that the children who are placed with them have what appear to be inappropriate emotional responses to simple situations. “She flies into a temper for no reason,” or, “He acts like something terrible happened and won’t come out of his room,” are the kinds of statements we hear in nearly every adoptive placement. But are the kids really reacting “over nothing?”

N o . T h e r e i s always a reason, but the hard part is understanding that the reason may have nothing to do - at least directly - with what is going on currently. Our experience as an agency, and for many members of our staff who are a l s o a d o p t i v e parents of older children, is that seemingly small trigger events bring on outsized behaviors. And we are learning this happens quite frequently when a child’s unresolved or un-acknowledged grief is triggered.

“When you go into foster care,” one former foster child told us, “you lose everything.” But we know that when a child is removed from their family, they go into a kind of defensive mode, trying to

survive in their new uncertain circumstances. And once the defenses kick in, there is no time or capacity to stop and grieve what has been lost.

“Nate” had been living with his maybe-family for several months. On one of her meetings with him, his Transition Worker found him in his room, sitting on the floor with his head on his knees, sobbing inconsolably. She couldn’t help but notice a fluffy new teddy bear laying on the bed, wearing a crisp red bow. She sat on the floor next to him,

and asked him what was wrong. H e t e a r f u l l y replied, “My bear i s g o n e . ” H i s childhood teddy bear, worn and dirty and missing an eye, had been thrown away, and his maybe-dad, thinking he was doing something wonderful, had replaced it with

this brand new one. But Nate wanted HIS bear. We, and maybe even Nate, may never know what losses he had experienced, during which he had clung to that bear. What appeared to be a small loss of a toy held much more significance than his maybe-parents imagined, because it brought back to Nate many of the losses he had suffered in his young life. And with facing these losses, Nate finally began to grieve. Big time.

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E M P O W E R I N G C H I L D R E N / T R A N S F O R M I N G L I V E SE M P O W E R I N G C H I L D R E N / T R A N S F O R M I N G L I V E S

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If the mourning process is skipped, avoided, or interrupted before closure, the person is at risk for manifesting either delayed or distorted grief reactions. In delayed reactions, the bereaved may show little or no outward signs of mourning at the time of a significant loss, only to react with profound grief at a later time in response to a loss of seemingly less significance. - from Bereavement: Counseling the Grieving throughout the Life Cycle, by David A. Crenshaw, Ph.D.

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One of the biggest challenges for children who still have contact with their birth parent(s) - usually their birth mothers - is moving forward toward adoption without feeling like they are betraying them.

As the children begin to feel safe with the new pre-adoptive maybe-families, the process often opens up mixed feelings about their birth parents. Whi le possib ly feel ing anger, abandonment, and resentment about their past, at the same time it makes sense that they may feel sadness, grief, loyalty, and even some happy memories of their time before coming into care. For a child trying to transition into an adoptive family, this can be extremely confusing. Workers and pre-adoptive parents have the challenging task of helping them navigate these mixed feelings. Simply telling them to “get over it” or “move on” is like telling them they have to run when they haven’t even learned to walk yet.

The quandary is knowing to what extent it is healthy and appropriate for a child to stay

connected to their birth parents, and the role the birth parents may play in the child’s future. At the same time we must help the child learn to accept and understand that the new family will be taking on the role of parenting. In other words, they need to know what parts of their relationships will stay connected, and what parts will be disconnected.

This process takes time. The FFAS Future Workers and Transition Workers explore this specific topic by pointing out to the children that they can’t think about a new family without thinking about their old family. Often times when the children start talking about their birth families more and more, we recognize that the child is taking a step forward within the transition process. This is when we have to normalize those mixed feelings for the child, and help them to learn to balance what is going on inside of them. Giving the children and their maybe-parents the time and the support they need to get through this pivotal part of their transition is crucial to successful adoption.

Despite what it may look like, we recognize that this experience of delayed grief finally coming is a good thing. Psychology Today states, “When most people think of grief, noth ing good comes to mind. But researchers and counselors believe that the grief process itself is actually healthy. That’s because grief is the mechanism that allows us to come to terms with loss.”

Workers and families often attempt to protect the children by avoiding situations that might trigger difficult behaviors. But if the behavior is a result of the child manifesting their grief in the only way they know how, then it is extremely important to recognize this, and allow the children to experience it. The best time for this to happen is while they have a support team, including the maybe-parents, there to help them navigate through this difficult process.

Another important thing we tell our families is to never minimize whatever triggers the behaviors. Telling a child that they are overreacting about what appears to be a small thing attaches that minimization to the bigger grief they may be feeling. In the case of Nate, it would be exactly the wrong thing to say, “Why are you crying? After all, you got a new bear.” In his mind, you might just as well be saying, “I threw away your old family, and we are their replacement. You should get used to it and be grateful.” The family may not realize that by trying to stop the behavior, they may be shutting down the child’s grieving process, delaying it even further, and sending him the message that his grief doesn’t matter.

One of our mantras at Family Focus - one

that is made into a poster on the walls of our training centers - is that normal reactions to abnormal circumstances look abnormal. It seems abnormal from the family’s point of view for Nate to cry over a new bear. But from Nate’s point of view, it makes perfect sense.

Another truth we have discovered is that children we work with, who have been through traumatic experiences, often keep their real emotions carefully bricked away behind a thick wall of self-protection. It is only when they feel confident and safe, in a maybe-family they believe will keep them, that cracks begin to form in their wall, which allows the grief to come out. Our job, as workers and as parents, is to recognize when a child’s behaviors signifies grief, and understand that as painful as it may be, this is exactly where children need to go.

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To be a parent is to take a risk.To risk disappointment, to risk a bruised ego.

To risk a failure, to risk a broken heart.

To be a parent is to love a challenge.The challenge to teach the challenge to heal,The challenge to love, the challenge to let go.

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