ATTACHEMENTTalking to parents and carers about a child’s attachment needs

For the emotional needs section, ideas along the lines of the following (dependent on the age of the child) should be written in first person:

Child’s needs:

I need to feel loved. (Discuss with parent ideas on how to show this.)

I need to spend some one to one time with you. (Discuss how this can fit into routine and suggestions of what to do during this time)

I need you to talk to me. (Stress the importance of this for language development in younger children and for strengthening the relationship for all children.)

I need you to see me as having separate thoughts and feelings from you, and I need you to be interested in my thoughts and respond to my feelings.(Get them to think about how their child might feel about certain things from the child’s perspective)

I need you to offer me comfort and reassurance when I am frightened/worried/upset/unwell. (Get them to think about circumstances when they might do this and how they would respond)

I need to feel safe with you. (Get them to think about what might make their child feel unsafe /safe and what they could do to make their child feel safe).

This will need to be slightly adapted depending on the age of the child and what you know about child/children. For some parents it may be quite a lot of information to take on all at once and therefore it can be split into more than one session.

ATTACHEMENT

Giving feedback from parenting observations

You can help parents reflect on their reactions and how they relate to their child(ren) through focused observations e.g. playing together and meal times. Read this short guide (See below) for tips on how to structure this and ideas that can improve understanding of the parent’s behaviour towards their child/ren and how this effects the child.

Tool: Attachment “intervention” based on observationsAuthor: Alice CookPublication Date: 3 March 2015

This step-by-step guide aims to support understanding attachment theory, assessing attachment in children and assessing attachment in carers to understand more about “mentalisation”, how parental behaviour affects a child’s thoughts, feelings, behaviour and development and ways to speak to parents and carers about a child’s needs.

1. Complete some initial observations to gain a good insight into both the parent and child’s behaviours. These should take place at different periods of the day: morning, afternoon, evening, bath/bedtime. Include within these observations mealtimes – breakfast, lunch and dinner.Make notes in relation to the parent’s ability to respond appropriately to the child’s needs, to accurately understand and interpret behaviours (mentalisation) and their sensitivity and emotional warmth.

2. Then complete focused observations – of “playing together” and of “meal times”. Each observation should last between 30 and 45 minutes. These should be with mum, dad and mum and dad together where possible.

3. After each observation, the parent is given specific feedback in relation to areas that were positive and those that need improvement with specific examples given and advice offered in relation to giving a different response and what this could be. For example: Imagine you are working with a parent who plays quite intrusively with their child – perhaps they are pressing all the buttons on lots of toys and placing these very close to the child’s face.You can gently explain that in order for children to learn they need to be able to explore the toys for themselves, but with you there to guide them. You could say:

I think maybe you were trying to encourage him to play, but doing those things actually made him feel a bit unsettled and that’s why he moved away.

A further example could be a parent who may not respond appropriately when their child becomes unsettled. Instead of offering them warmth and comfort they start to try

to distract them with toys or tickle them. This may have the effect of stopping the child from crying, but only temporarily as they are in fact a bit startled and therefore the feeling of discontent remains and so they continue to be unsettled. This could be explained to a parent as:

When toddlers are unsettled they need a calm and warm response rather than something loud and excitable. It’s like when you are upset you want someone to listen to you and offer comfort rather than try to distract you.

With some behaviours such as a parent flapping a phone case very close in and out of their baby’s face, it may be appropriate to say something like:

‘I understand that you may have thought doing this might help him to settle, but I think it’s worth just having a think about how you would feel if somebody did that close to your face … your baby is likely to feel the same and this is why he became even more unsettled when you did this’.

These feedback sessions need to provide an opportunity for reflection and therefore should not be too time limited, as some parents may need more time than others to fully understand what they need to change and why.

4. Ensure parents are given no more than three points to work on for the following observation session.

5. “In the moment feedback”, is also very important and some parents will learn best this way so ensure you provide a mixture of this and feedback during scheduled times.

6. This type of intervention work is designed to improve the parent’s ability to mentalise and helps them to see the world from their child’s perspective. A great technique to aid this process is “speaking for the child. This can be used alongside giving moment in the moment feedback, in relation to both positive and negative behaviour of the parents. For example:

Mummy, I am really enjoying you playing with me and sitting close to you.

Then you would highlight to the parent what they are doing to show this. Or, ‘Daddy I am feeling a bit frightened when you place your face so close to mine when you talk to me and that’s why I am turning away’.

ATTACHEMENT

Talking to children about attachmentTalking about “what kids need” is a useful way to allow discussion of a child’s current circumstance and an opportunity for you to discuss with them what you think “kids need” and why (without actually mentioning “attachment”). The Kids Need Record Chart from www.another-way.co.uk is an example of this.

You can use this with children aged from five to 16. It involves categorising things into “kids need”, “kids sometimes need” and “kids don’t need’. For younger children, use small cards with needs written on them on them for them to sort into three piles.

This example below is a commercially available pack.