teach through love - amazon s3...explore the messages your child is receiving through your words and...

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TEACH through Love PO Box 204 Paoli PA 19301 l (323) 793-0852

[email protected]

Copyright© 2013 TEACH through Love. All rights reserved worldwide.

No part of this ebook may be copied or sold.

mailto:[email protected]

© 2013 TEACH through LOVE www.teach-through-love.com

Welcome to my Raising Kindness Series!

Congratulations! You have just taken a powerful step in reclaiming the peace your family deserves. I am so happy to have you participate and I can’t wait for you to get started on the road to transformation. This course is designed to bring you into alignment with your authentic-self, to build connection and intimacy bringing you closer to the ones you love and to show you how to communicate in ways that elicit the responses you want! Turn resistance into cooperation by bridging the gap between traditional discipline and a conscious awareness of what we know about children, human behavior and the science behind the brain. This parenting packet consists of individual activities, partner-exercises and homework for you to complete. Thanks again for signing-up for the series and don’t forget to drop me a note to let me know what you think! Warmly,

-Lori

Course Outline This in-depth curriculum is suitable for families and professionals alike and will guide you toward making REAL CHANGE in your family or classroom!

TEACH through Love – Parent/Teacher Education Series

1. Making the Shift from Fear to Love

2. Building Authentic Relationships

3. Understanding Your Child's Development

4. Conscious Communication Strategies

5. Managing Your Anger & Stress

6. Listening with Your Heart

7. Setting Limits with Compassionate Communication

8. Tools for Peaceful Conflict Resolution

http://www.teach-through-love.com/


Shifting from Fear to Love: An Introduction to Conscious Parenting

GOALS

To understand the philosophy behind conscious parenting

To recognize the core differences between the conscious and

traditional paradigms in parenting & education

To re-frame your perceptions so that you can begin to adjust your

expectations of behavior

To become aware of your own negative patterns and gain the self-

confidence to change them

To practice shifting from fear to love using mindfulness tools for

self-awareness

http://www.teach-through-love.com/


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How do I react to my child most often?

What kind of person do I want my child to grow up to be?

Habits & Goals Discovery & Assessment


- 5 -

My Child

What do I enjoy about my child?

What do I find challenging about

my child's?

Me

What are my strengths as a parent?

What are my weaknesses as a

parent?

• What kind of parent do I want to be?

All About My Child – All About Me Discovery & Assessment


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Exploring the Past

What was it like growing up in your house?

How did you feel most often as a child?

(circle all that apply)

loved criticized appreciated capable blamed powerless safe angry

respected happy empowered guilty valued sad honored isolated

shame connected judged afraid affectionate labeled independent

How did your family express emotion?


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TRADITIONAL (Old Parenting Paradigm)

CONSCIOUS (New Parenting Paradigm)

conditional love unconditional love

judgment empathy

control freedom with limits

discipline guidance

punishment problem-solving

respect for elders/authority respect for all

Traditional Paradigm – Conscious Paradigm A Comparison Chart


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Fill Your Tank How Do I Meet My Needs?

What is your emotional set-point? Can you maintain your tolerance to stress through self-care and keep your emotional needs tank full? Use this sheet to chart your emotional ups and downs. Check-in with yourself each day and see where you are emotionally. Draw a line to represent “how full your tank is.” Then write down three things you can do to meet your needs and fill up your emotional tank!

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday

FRIDAY Saturday Sunday


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What Triggered Me…?

Notice when you have an emotional reaction to your child (or anyone else). When you become triggered, jot down your

feelings in the column that best matches the intensity of the emotion. Write down as much as you need to remember the

experience for later investigation. What happened? Where were you? Who was present? Where/how did your body react?

Then, after you have identified and named your emotions, see if you can you connect those feelings to a need? Do your

needs give rise to any other memories? Can you connect the trigger to a significant event or defining moment?


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Create a list of goals for yourself and/or your family and write at least 2 action steps that you will take towards achieving your goals. Start small. Don't overwhelm yourself with stressful or unreachable goals.

Create a New Vision – Family Goals

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Action steps:

Building Authentic Relationships

GOALS

� To discover your authentic parenting voice & values

� To understand the relationship between your past and how you

experience the world now

� To connect your dominant thought patterns and beliefs to your

present experience

� To commit to a consistent practice of self-healing and self-love

� To know what is necessary for creating authentic relationships

with kids


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Explore the messages you heard in childhood. Think about the words that you heard used to describe yourself, the world or others around you. What messages did you receive as a result? Reflect on the feelings those messages created in you. Then, try to connect those feelings and memories to present behavioral patterns – both those that you value as strengths and those you desire to change.

Messages

Feelings

Behaviors

Exploring the Past Hidden Messages in Childhood


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Self-empathy is the process of listening deeply to your inner soul

and the messages which your body is sending you. The art of processing emotion by allowing feelings such as, anger, fear, frustration, sadness, overwhelm, or anxiety, to come up to the surface and be released is essential to creating authentic relationships. This kind of self-care is often last on a very long parenting-to-do-list, but it is precisely this act of connecting with yourself in the present moment which allows you to model for your child the emotional regulation process using positive, reliable coping skills. Self-care, mindfulness, intention and awareness are invaluable, life-long tools. With daily implementation, you will gradually become more attuned to your child and more comfortable with your own emotions, even if you can’t reduce the external factors which challenge your ability to cope. Become familiar with validating your own needs and feelings and resist the knee-jerk reaction to criticize yourself or others. Don’t allow your imagination to sweep you away on a sea of unconscious (and likely false) fears with thoughts and beliefs that do not serve you, and only create more fear and stress. When you are triggered, there are physiological processes which prevent you from accessing the parts of your brain that allow you to be reasonable, empathetic and compassionate and your ability to creatively problem-solve is severely limited. It is important to show your child how to recognize and manage his feelings so s/he can navigate the ups and downs of life. You are an anchor for emotional safety and it is through your own self-regulation that you are able to guide your children to their own independence and self-mastery.

5 steps to fully connecting with the unmet needs, feelings and fears, that are driving your unconscious, automatic reactions.

Align with your authentic self and allow the space for you to choose love over fear.

Mastering Self-Care through Empathy

1. Reflect & Reveal: Take a moment to breathe and be with your feelings. BREATHE. What happened? What did you observe? Describe what happened that triggered your dysregulation. Allow your feelings to flow uncensored.

2. Allow: Move your attention to your body and focus on the sensations. What do

you feel? Where does it hurt, tremble or tighten? Allow your attention to stay in your body so that you can notice the different feelings and sensations and then allow them to pass without judgment, focusing on the breath.

3. Identify: Identify your unmet needs. What were you expecting or hoping would

happen? What need were you trying to fulfill when your emotional reaction took over? Acknowledge the unmet needs connected to the feelings arising in you.

4. Decide & Create: A new vision is needed. Allow your mind and body to connect

with how you feel when your needs are met and your brain is regulated. Then make a present moment decision to create something new and let go of what you think you are experiencing. What can you do right now to shift into compassion and make a different choice about how you feel or what you’ll do next?

© 2013 TEACH through LOVE

www.teach-through-love.com

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Explore the messages your child is receiving through your words and actions. Think about the words that you use to describe your child, the world or others around you. What are your most common reactions? Are you easily put out, offended or frustrated by the world? Or are you calm, resourceful and able to self-regulate your emotions? What messages is your child internalizing as a result?

Words

Actions

Messages my child sees/hears/intuits

What Messages Am I Sending? What My Child Hears


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When you think of your child, what characteristics come to mind? Fill in the chart below by circling the words that reflect how you see and experience your child right now. Be honest. This is a process of self-discovery and it requires you to look deeply at the opinions that you have of others so that you can re-frame any judgments you may hold.

What characteristics do you see in your child?

curious happy anxious impatient

sociable fearful excitable angry

sullen independent resourceful needy

tense pleasant helpful worried

cooperative defiant kind stressed

compassionate irritable creative

stubborn sensitive affectionate

How I See My Child


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Conscious Parenting – Positive Feelings List

AFFECTIONATE

compassionate

friendly

loving

sympathetic

tender

CONFIDENT

empowered

proud

safe

secure

ENGAGED

alert

curious

fascinated

interested

intrigued

involved

stimulated

INSPIRED

amazed

animated

astonished

wonder

aroused

dazzled

eager

energetic

enthusiastic

excited

invigorated

lively

passionate

EXHILARATED

blissful

ecstatic

elated

enthralled

exuberant

radiant

GRATEFUL

appreciative

moved

thankful

touched

HOPEFUL

expectant

encouraged

optimistic

JOYFUL

amused

delighted

glad

happy

pleased

jubilant

tickled

PEACEFUL

calm

comfortable

centered

content

fulfilled

mellow

quiet

relaxed

relieved

satisfied

serene

still

trusting

REFRESHED

rejuvenated

renewed

rested

revived

Used with permission ©2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org * Email: [email protected] * Phone: 505-244-4041


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Conscious Parenting – Negative Feelings List

Used with permission ©2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org * Email: [email protected] * Phone: 505-244-4041

AFRAID

apprehensive

mistrustful

panicked

suspicious

terrified

worried

ANNOYED

aggravated

dismayed

displeased

frustrated

impatient

irritated

ANGRY

enraged

furious

indignant

irate

livid

resentful

AVERSION

animosity

appalled

contempt

disgusted

dislike

CONFUSED

ambivalent

bewildered

dazed

hesitant

perplexed

torn

DISCONNECTED

alienated

aloof

apathetic

bored

detached

distant

distracted

indifferent

numb

withdrawn

DISQUIET

agitated

alarmed

discombobulated

disconcerted

disturbed

rattled

restless

shocked

troubled

uncomfortable

uneasy

unnerved

unsettled

upset

EMBARRASSED

ashamed

flustered

guilty

self-conscious

FATIGUE

depleted

exhausted

lethargic

listless

tired

weary

worn out

PAIN

anguished

bereaved

devastated

hurt

lonely

miserable

regretful

remorseful

SAD

depressed

rejected

disappointed

discouraged

TENSE

anxious

cranky

distressed

nervous

overwhelmed

restless

stressed out

VULNERABLE

fragile

guarded

helpless

insecure

reserved

sensitive

YEARNING

envious

longing

nostalgic

pining

wistful


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AUTONOMY

choice

freedom

independence

space

spontaneity

CONNECTION

acceptance

affection

appreciation

belonging

cooperation

communication

closeness

community

companionship

compassion

consideration

consistency

empathy

inclusion

intimacy

love

mutuality

nurturing

respect/self-respect

safety

security

stability

support

to know and be known

to see and be seen

to understand and

be understood

trust

warmth

HONESTY

authenticity

integrity

presence

PEACE

beauty

communion

ease

equality

harmony

inspiration

order

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING

air

food

movement/exercise

rest/sleep

sexual expression

safety

shelter

touch

water

PLAY

joy

humor

MEANING

awareness

celebration of life

challenge

clarity

competence

consciousness

contribution

creativity

discovery

efficacy

effectiveness

growth

hope

learning

Conscious Parenting - Needs List

©2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org * Email: [email protected] * Phone: 505-244-4041


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Envisioning the Future

THOUGHTS

FEELINGS ACTIONS

I will change my thoughts by…

I will manage my feelings by…

I will modify my behavior by…


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Finding Help & Support

Resource List What supportive people, places or things can I surround myself with?


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Writing Affirmations

Affirmations should include the feelings

you want to create AND the needs you want to satisfy.

Write affirmations using positive statements, in the present tense and commit to saying them frequently during the day. Use the sample affirmations below to guide you as you write your own statements based on your personal and family goals.

I am loving myself. I feel wholly supported

as I connect with my child intuitively.

I am safe. I feel happiness as I guide my child

to problem-solve with cooperation and peace.

I am responsible. I feel valued as I share with my child

healthy habits of eating and preparing food.

I am worthy. I feel accomplished as I impart

my knowledge and experience to my child

with kindness during these troubling adolescent times.

I matter. I feel appreciated and heard as I listen deeply and communicate my needs to

my child, partner, mother, boss…



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Write at least one affirmation for each area: self-image, emotional well-being, communication style, relationships, mind/spirit & health/physical body. Commit to saying your affirmations at least twice per a day. Over time, they will start to replace your unconscious beliefs which are holding you back from real change. Affirmations are a great way to begin and end your day.

Positive Affirmations

Emotional

Well Being

Communication

Relationships Health

Self-Image

Envisioning the Future Healing Affirmations

Understanding Your Child's Brain Development

GOALS

To illustrate the science behind the developing brain

To help you understand the impact that your parenting has on

development and behavior

To recognize the link between stress-trauma-memory

To help you redefine behavior and adjust your expectations

To show you why negative behavior signals stress in the

mind/body and what you can do about it

To show you how to manage conflict with the TEACH tool and set

your child up with a “flexible emotional blueprint”

© 2013 TEACH through Love www.teach-through-love.com

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How Stress Affects Me

How STRESS manifests in

my child?

How STRESS affects me

INTERNALLY?

(health, body sensations, emotional

reactions)

How STRESS impacts me

EXTERNALLY?

(life, happiness, motivation, work,

relationships)

How STRESS manifests in

my behavior?

EMOTIONALLY PHYSICALLY


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What activities or sensory experiences calm me?

What activities or sensory experiences calm my child?

What Soothes Me?

What Soothes My Child?

© 2013 TEACH through Love www. teac h - t h r ough - l ov e . c om

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Child Development - Three Areas of the Brain

For demonstrations purposes only – not a true representation or exact model of the brain.

The TEACH Tool – 5 Steps to Peaceful Conflict Resolution

Practice self-empathy to regulate your own feelings. What am I feeling/needing? What is happening? What events may have led to this situation? State the situation without judgment or an evaluation.

Get down on your child’s level. (don’t bark commands from across the room) Make eye contact and notice your own body language and tone. Approach the situation with curiosity and use loving words to connect. “I can tell by your words that you are very angry.” “It must be difficult to be excluded by your friends.”

What is my child feeling? (frustration, disconnection, fear) What is my child needing? (attention, affection, acceptance, appreciation, autonomy) “I’m wondering if you are feeling…” or “It looks like you might be needing…” Validate needs and feelings. “You are frustrated at being interrupted .” “You were expecting a different outcome.” “You are sad that it’s time to leave the park.”

Connect with your child using your words, body language and physical contact. (validation, space, a hug, cuddle or removal from area for safety) Problem Solve with your child - how can we heal together? Investigate the feelings/needs of others. “How do you think our friend is feeling?”

How do you feel after resolving a conflict with your child? Do you feel defeated, angry, worn out or empowered, connected and loving? How does your child feel? Understood, loved, heard? You can tell if you are aligned with your authentic self by how you feel? Don’t be afraid to apologize to your child or “heal a disconnect” if necessary.

© 2011-2013 TEACH through LOVE



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Setting appropriate expectations is crucial to being able to move beyond the limited perspective of behavior-focused view of discipline. Development is unique and it is not determined by chronological age, but rather by your child's individual set of experiences combined with genetics.

1. Write a list of expectations (not goals) that you have for your child. Be honest. 2. Then determine, based on your new knowledge of brain science and child development,

whether your expectations need to be modified based on your child's unique stage. What can you reframe with your new understanding?

3. Re-write your expectations to be developmentally appropriate for your child.

My expectations for my child.

•

•

What do I need to reframe?

Setting appropriate expectations.

•

•

Setting Appropriate Expectations

Q & A Call Strategies & Support Session

GOALS

To implement a daily process of self-care & self-empathy

To practice identifying the motive driving behavior

To devise strategies for communicating from a relational POV

To evaluate your expectations and make adjustments based on

your new understanding of child development

To know that every conflict is unique and requires a thoughtful,

attentive and confident approach

Managing Your Anger & Stress

GOALS

To realize the benefits and purpose of anger

To recognize the behavioral symptoms of stress and trauma

To redefine aggression as the result of unexpressed emotions

To prepare and protect with a foundation of positive coping skills

To understand the impact of negativity on the developing child

To build the whole family’s window of stress tolerance


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How did my family express anger?

How do I express my anger?

How Did I Learn To Express Anger?


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My Body Map

Can you…

Name your feelings?

Do you know…

Where do you feel them?

Do they…

Have a color?

Have a shape?

Have a texture?

Look like anything?

Color Your Body Map!

Use crayons, chalk or markers

to color in the area(s) where

you feel your feelings the

most.

Think about the ways in which

you can change your feelings

into something else.


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My Body Map

Can you… Name your feelings?

Do you know… Where do you feel them?

Do they…

Have a color?

Have a shape?

Have a texture?

Look like anything?

Color Your Body Map!

Use crayons, chalk or markers

to color in the area(s) where

you feel your feelings the

most.

Think about the ways in which

you can change your feelings

into something else.



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Developing tools to manage and positively cope with stress, anger and frustration is critical to your success at implementing a conscious approach to parenting because so much depends on your ability to remain calm and centered. STEP 1: Create a list of local and online resources offering support, services and ideas so you can find outlets for relaxing and stress-management. There are a variety of CDs, podcasts, uplifting online radio shows, phone apps, discussion forums, community groups, meditation meet-ups etc. to choose from. What works for some, may not work for all! Don’t give up if it takes you some time to figure out what soothes you best. Simply, commit to the habit of putting it into practice. STEP 2: LEARN TO BREATHE. Two, free and ready-to-practice, tools that you can use anytime on your own or with your children are deep breathing and EFT – or meridian tapping. The sympathetic nervous system and our neurological functioning can be calmed by mindful breathing and sensory stimulation: TEACH your kids how to breathe deeply by modeling.

Inhale slowly and deeply, breathing into your belly – or your diaphragm (below your ribcage). Exhale deeply as you contract your belly. Inhale again, slowly, as you count to eight, expanding your belly fully. Continue inhaling slowly as you expand your chest, raising your shoulders up to your ears. Stay in this position, closing your eyes and holding for a moment as you… Then exhale slowly, release your shoulders, relax your chest and contract your belly. Repeat at least three times or until you feel a sense of calm and well-being return.

EFT is an energy therapy (like acupressure) that involves tapping the meridian points on the body to correct energetic imbalances that can result in negative habits and emotional disturbances. You can use EFT to help clear limiting beliefs, addictions, physical ailments and more. Try it on everything from headaches and anger to low self-esteem. TEACH your kids to just tap it out!

Stress Regulation

DEEP BREATHING

EFT

Visit www.eftuniverse.com for more information.

EFT TAPPING SEQUENCE

Opening Statement: “Even though I… (name the problem), I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Repeat 3x while tapping the Karate Chop Point. Continue

while tapping the points below (7-10x) in the following sequence:

1. Eyebrow 2. Side of eye 3. Under eye 4. Under nose 5. Under chin 6. Collarbone 7. Under the arm 8. Top of the Head

http://www.eftuniverse.com/

Listening With Your Heart

GOALS

To know how to access a compassionate view through empathy

To expand your vocabulary of feelings and needs

To enhance your compassionate listening skills

To distinguish between real “needs” and “ behavioral strategies”

To know how to uncover needs by connecting at the heart level

To learn a new framework for expressing feelings and need

To peacefully resolve conflict resolution without blame, shame,

judgment or guilt


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BEHAVIOR

FEELINGS

NEEDS

Behaviors – Feelings – Needs

Identify the FEELINGS driving the BEHAVIOR to find the NEED

Feelings and needs drive behavior. Practice looking beyond the behavior to the feelings and needs underneath. What is the child’s behavior communicating? What is driving the behavior

Identify at least one FEELING and one NEED that might be influencing the child’s behavior in the following scenarios.

Jenna (age 18mo) throws her food to the ground at every meal. She laughs when her mother reacts and repeats the behavior despite requests not to do so.

Zach (age 4) is very physical with his friends. He pushes them, waves things in their faces and sometimes will hit other children during play.

Lela (age 7) has asked to go to the playground up the street alone with her friends. Her mother says she is too young and needs to be accompanied by an adult. Lela reacts by slamming doors and saying “I hate you!”

Justin (age 12) is having trouble at school with his peers. His grades are failing and withholding privileges is not working to change his behavior. He has begun sneaking out on the weekends to hang out with an older group of boys.


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Behaviors – Feelings – Needs

Identify the FEELINGS driving the BEHAVIOR to find the NEED

Feelings and needs drive behavior. Practice looking beyond the behavior to the feelings and needs underneath. What is the child’s behavior communicating? What is driving the behavior?

Identify at least one FEELING and one NEED that might be influencing the child’s behavior in the following scenarios.

BEHAVIOR

FEELINGS

NEEDS

Emily (age 3) cries whenever her parents have to leave her at preschool. She often becomes inconsolable even though the teachers say she is fine after they leave.

Max (age 6) will not share his toys with his younger brother. He has been hiding his toys, ripping them from his brother’s hands or he screams at his brother whenever he finds him touching his belongings.

Sasha (age 10) constantly talks back to her mother. She says things like, “You don’t know what you’re talking about” or “You never listen to me!” She also sighs heavily and rolls her eyes when her mother ask her to do things.

Jack (age 15) has been caught stealing a test answer-key from his teacher’s desk with a group of classmates. He is awaiting his parent’s arrival outside of the principal’s office because he has refused to admit his part in the act.


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Separate NEEDS from Behavioral STRATEGIES

It is important to separate our child’s basic, human needs from the behavioral actions or strategies used to meet those needs. In order to communicate effectively, you must relay to the other person with your body language, tone and words that you understand their point of view and value their experience and needs and that you are willing to help.

Match the child’s “real need” to the “behavioral strategy” they may use to accomplish the need.

Lying

CONNECTION

ATTENTION / TO BE SEEN

VALIDATION / TO BE HEARD

PLAY

REGULATION

APPROVAL / INCLUSION

SELF-PROTECTION

CHOICE

AUTHENTICITY

Rejecting / criticize ideas

Defiance, refusal to cooperate

Aggressive acts

Stealing

Jumping on the furniture

Shoving, interrupting

Slamming doors, yelling

ACCEPTANCE Self-harm, negative self-talk

Nagging, begging

Clinging, crying

Impatience, tantrumsAFFECTION / CLOSENESS

AUTONOMY / COMPETENCE


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Transforming Judgment into Heart Centered Words

JUDGMENT

FEAR

HEART-CENTERED

WORDS

Do you think I’m your maid?

Stop complaining.

Why don’t you just… You should…

I should have known you'd mess it up.

That is not very nice /kind/respectful.

How could you be so stupid/careless/lazy?

It's not that big of a deal.

I told you so! What did you expect?

If you don't ____, then I will ____!

Why don't you ever listen to me?

How could you be so ungrateful after all I’ve done for you?

You’ll never amount to anything.


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Identifying My Needs & Expectations

To access your coping skills and reclaim your sense of well-being, you must be able to communicate your needs effectively. Learn to separate your needs from your preferences and/or the behavioral changes you are hoping your child will make. You can’t control other people’s behavior nor can you make them responsible for changing your emotional state or “filling your tank.” You must do that for yourself. To accomplish this, shift the focus from what you want your child to do to what you are missing in the moment. When you know what you really need then you can better attend to the conflicts that arise in your home, school, work or community. When you can meet your own needs, you are better able to find compassion for the experiences of others.

Match the “real need” in the first column to the preference for a particular “behavioral strategy” in column two.

ACCEPTANCE

BEAUTY

PEACE

CONNECTION

CONSIDERATION

ORDER

COMMUNICATION

RESPECT

REST

Clean up toys/room

Stop fighting/hitting siblings

Attend family dinners/more involved

Look you in the eye

Stop crying

Talk to you politely/nicely

Stop complaining, arguing

Stop stalling, get dressed, get in car

Stop messing up the house

Listen to me RESPONSIBILITY

Setting Limits with Compassionate Communication

GOALS

To recognize the impact that harsh words have on children

To expand your use and practice of empathy

To identify the needs and feelings which drive behavior

To set limits and boundaries compassionately but firmly

To learn to heal the disconnections that erode our relationships

To create a family pact of acceptable words and actions


Power Over

CRITICISM, JUDGMENT

&

CONTROL

EMPATHY,

CURIOSITY &

GUIDANCE

Power With

TRADITIONAL PARADIGM

CONSCIOUS PARADIGM

CONSCIOUS PARADIGM TRADITIONAL PARADIGM

SOLUTIONS

“I wonder how we can make this right…?”

“Do you have an idea about how to…?”

“I think our friend might need…?”

“How can you make a different choice?”

“How many times did I tell you not to…?”

“Do as I say!” “Stop it, now!”

“Don’t talk back!” “Too bad!”

“You are acting like a baby.”

“Because I said so, stop crying!”

“You’re getting a time-out.”

“If you don’t… then I will…”

“Sit there and think about what you did.”

“Why can’t you be more like…?”

“I am disappointed in you…”

“You’re such a good girl…”

“Don’t talk to me.”

“Can’t you do anything right?”

“You are driving me nuts.”

“Behave!” “Good job!”

“You’re okay, there is no reason to cry!”

my feelings are respected

my needs are

considered

CONNECTING WORDS

OBSERVE WITHOUT JUDGMENT

“I see that you have…”

“Something happened to…”

“I can tell you are not ready to…”

“It looks like you had a different idea…”

FEELINGS & NEEDS

“I’m wondering if you are feeling… because you are needing…?”

“I am guessing our friend is feeling…”

“I imagine that it feels…”

“I can see that you’re angry/sad/frustrated…”

ENGAGE & SUPPORT

“I’m concerned that…”

“Tell me about your idea.”

“If you need me, I’ll be…”

“I’m wondering how I can help you?”

i am worthy

i am loved unconditionally

Using Words that Work

DISCONNECTING WORDS i am judged & evaluated

my feelings are not valued

my needs don’t matter

love is conditional

WHAT THE CHILD HEARS & FEELS

“Children are human beings

just as we are, and behave

in accordance to the way they are

treated just as we do.” – Jan Hunt

EVALUATION OF

BEHAVIORS

COMPLIANCE THROUGH

MANIPULATION & FORCE

“How we feel about our kids isn’t as

important as how they experience those

feelings and how they regard the way

we treat them.” – Alfie Kohn


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Transforming Judgment to Heart Centered Words

JUDGMENT

FEAR

HEART-CENTERED

WORDS

Do you think I’m your maid?

Stop complaining.

Why don’t you just… You should…

I should have known you'd mess it up.

That is not very nice /kind/respectful.

How could you be so stupid?

It's not that big of a deal.

I told you, what did you expect?

If you don't ____, then I will ____!

Why don't you ever listen to me?

How could you be so ungrateful after all I’ve done for you?

You’ll never amount to anything.

I wonder how your friend is feeling? I can tell that you weren't expecting that to happen. I hear how frustrating this is for you.

It seems you had hoped for a different result. It sounds like you weren't expecting that to happen. I/we have a responsibility to ______, would you be willing to ______?

I am hearing your need. You are upset and you would like me to stop and listen more. You are not open to my ideas/thoughts/opinions. You would like someone else to help you clean. It feels like a lot to do.

I'm concerned for your well-being/future. I can imagine it is a tough choice you have to make. I was hoping things would have turned out differently.


Compassionate Communication Tips


PERFECT ISN’T BETTER: Investigate your unconscious beliefs and automatic

reactions connected to perfection, criticism, order and re-evaluate your

expectations of your child. Ask yourself – “What am I afraid of?” Perfection can be disconnecting.

FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS: Let go of your parental agenda. Keep your goal

focused on finding solutions and you will be less likely to criticize. When you are

focused on positive outcomes, it is easier to stay present without letting fear

influence your reaction.

TAKE TIME-IN: Just give kids a minute to process your words, to take in your

ideas and to consider your opinions. Standing over your child repeating directives

or showing impatience or anger only inflames the situation and prolongs the

reconnection necessary for respectful interactions and collaborative problem-

solving.

BE SILENT: When your child is having a meltdown or extremely upset, don't talk. Don't ask questions. Don't try to reason with or convince your child. Your

child CANNOT hear you in this state. Just be silent. Be mindful and project love.

Words can come later.

SAY IT - DON’T SCREAM IT: Be aware of your language and tone and don’t

scream your requests from three rooms away or yell to show urgency.

CONNECT BEFORE DIRECT/REGULATE TO EDUCATE: Be mindful of

approaching your child to connect before you direct. The interruption of play, a

game, a favorite show or an activity etc. will not be well received without this

first step to make a connection.

MAPPING: Create a mental map of your child's daily life - people, places and

events that occur regularly. Use this as a reference to figure out the sequence of

events that may have led to dysregulation or conflict.

DON’T TAKE SIDES: Don’t assume that the fault belongs with your child.

Disconnection can occur when a child feels like you are “siding with the enemy.”

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YES, AND... : Children (like most people) don't enjoy hearing NO. It obstructs

their natural search for joy, personal meaning AND relevant connections. It can

also set-off a course of disregulation faster than you can say NO, but… So say

YES... AND - and turn your NO into something they can look forward to.

1. Yes, you can have a cookie. How about after lunch? (or the next

appropriate time you choose)

2. Yes, you can have a sleepover at your friend's house. I’ll check with her

mom to see if next weekend works for us both?

3. Yes, you can go to the mall after school. Let's pick a day that you have less

homework and an earlier schedule.

4. Yes, you can have a playdate. And we can plan it for Friday when we’re off.

5. Yes, you can have that Monster Truck/Dollhouse. Let’s ask Grandma if she’ll

consider it for your birthday?

STATE YOUR NEED/CONCERN: Children need and deserve to know that when

limits are imposed, it is because you have real needs and concerns and not because

your are not simply trying to spoil their fun.

1. It is my job to keep you safe and I'm concerned that you will fall and hurt

yourself. Let me help you find a safe place to play.

2. I am worried that our couch is going to be damaged. It is made from a

delicate fabric. Let's find a place to jump where we won't ruin our things.

3. It is my responsibility to serve you a healthy diet of nutritious foods. Candy

is not full of the necessary vitamins and protein your brain needs.

4. I want to help you protect your things and keep brother from disturbing

them. I can’t let you use your body to tell him but we can find another way.


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TAKE OUT NEGATIVES: No, but, shouldn't, can't, don't and stop don’t always

need to be in your vocabulary in order for you to change your experience. Focus on

what you WANT. Phrase your requests in the affirmative.

1. “Don't touch the hot stove.” becomes “This is a very hot surface. Please keep your arms and face clear of this area.”

2. “No, you can't have that candy bar.” becomes “Yes, you can have a special treat. I'd like you to pick one that has more nutritional value.”

3. “I've told you already, stop texting and clean your room.” becomes “It looks like your laundry was not put away yet. I'd really like to have your room presentable for our guests this weekend. Would you mind helping me get it in order before the evening is over?”

4. “You shouldn't have done that.” becomes “I'm sorry you got yourself in trouble. Sometimes our actions deliver unexpected results.”

5. “No, you can't have that toy.” becomes “I'd like you to have toys that you enjoy. I am not sure this is age-appropriate. Can I help you find something else you might like?”

DON'T BE A FIXER: Don't try to impose your solutions on your child's

problems. This is one of the quickest ways to disconnection and may also frustrate

you and your child unnecessarily. Kids learn when their brains are supported to

and given the chance to make mistakes and find their own solutions.

SHARE IN YOUR CHILD'S DREAMS & FANTASIES: When you have to say

“No” or set a boundary, allow yourself to fantasize with your child about “Wouldn’t it be great it if… ” Make-believing that your child can have anything he wants is

regulating and connecting.

READ TOGETHER: Get kids talking about emotions by exploring the feelings and

needs of characters in their favorite stories.

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SET YOUR TONE: Talk in a slow calm manner and give children just enough info

to get connected and be receptive to what your are asking. Notice what your

body language and attitude is communicating and use gratitude to connect.

PLAY: Play is the ultimate connector and regulator. Engage your child’s sense of

play and humor to dispel negative situations and calm fears and emotions.

RESPECT THE CHILD: Respect your child's unique developmental stage without

feeling the need to constantly “correct, or change” behavior. A child must witness,

experience and have time to practice positive behaviors before she can integrate

them into her social skill set.

STAY POSITIVE: Use connecting words. A negative energy or attitude does not

produce positive behavior in children. Impatience, insistence, threatening looks

and punitive actions will breed resistance.

GIVE SPACE: Kids discover how to make choices that consider the needs of

others by experiencing the effects of their actions and then adapting their

behavior based on how others respond. Kids are always striving toward a natural

desire to feel good and to belong. Give space for them to process their needs and

feelings.

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- 48 -

OUR FAMILY PACT

In our house we speak...

In our house we act...

In our house we treat others...

In our house, when we feel afraid, we...

In our house, when we feel angry, we...

In our house, when we feel sad, we...

Family Agreements

Tools for Peaceful Conflict Resolution

GOALS

To assess my self-knowledge and examine my attitudes and beliefs

To recognize and respond to my child's stage of development

To formulate a comprehensive plan of action for change

To prepare a list of resources to manage stress and gain support

To reflect on who i was when i started this series and

acknowledge where i am now on my journey


-50-

•Healing

•Rituals

•Willingness

•Family Meetings

•My Feelings Book

•Empathy

•Talking Stick

•No blame, shame, judgment or guilt

•Mindful attitude, tone, body language

•Skill Building

•Coping Tools

•Sensory Toys

•Body Intelligence

•Stress Management

•Connection

•Tolerance

•Know My Story

•Timely Response

Authentic Relationships

Brain Science & Child

Develoment

Peaceful Conflict

Resolution

Compassionate Communication

Bringing It All Together


-52-

TOOLS FOR COPING WITH STRESS, ANXIETY, ATTENTION

DIFFICULTIES, SENSITIVITIES & SLEEP ISSUES

Sensory Toys – Tactile toys to pull, bounce, stretch, rip, squeeze… etc.

which provide relief to the central nervous system

Paddle Ball Stress Balls Yarn/String Play-doh/Clay Stuffed Animals Chewable Toys/bracelets/tubes Weighted Blankets & Vests Yoga Balls Music – white noise, water fountains, seascapes Musical Instruments (drums, harmonicas, cymbals) Whistles Swings Activity/Exercise/Running Volcano Lamps Sand/Water Table Sunglasses/Headphones

Bringing It All Together


Reflections What Have I Learned?

Assessing

My Self

Knowledge

1. What are my challenges?

2. What are my new personal goals?

3. What are our new family goals?

4. Who and what are my supportive resources?

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Assessing

My Self

Knowledge

5. How do I want to feel?

6. What do the days with my child look like?

7. What is my dominant pattern of reacting?

8. What is my dominant pattern of speaking?

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Assessing

My Self

Knowledge

9. What do I recognize as needing to change?

10. How do I contribute to the negativity in my home/interactions?

11. How do I add to the positivity in my home/interactions?

12. Three tools I can use to shift my behavior are... 1. 2. 3.


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Assessing

My Self

Knowledge

13. How many times a day do I use touch to connect with my child? often sometimes not at all

14. How many times a day do I use blame, shame, judgment, or guilt to get what I want? often sometimes not at all

15. How often do I notice my child's needs and intentions before commenting on his behaviors? often sometimes not at all

16. How comfortable am I reflecting my child's needs and feelings, and holding the space for my child to freely express? uncomfortable somewhat comfortable very comfortable

17. How often do I react with impatience? often sometimes not at all

18. How much fun do I have each day? a ton of fun some fun no fun at all


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How Well

Do I Know

My Child?

19. How does my child contribute to and cooperate with the family? Write these contributions and attempts to cooperate at the top of your daily affirmations page.

20.Where is my child developmentally?

21. What skills (emotionally physically mentally) is my child missing?

22. What skills is my child (emotionally physically mentally) proficient in?


- 56 -


How Well

Do I Know

My Child?

23. What is my child's temperament? easy-going slow-to-warm difficult

24. What is my child's dominant pattern of reacting?

25. What is my child's dominant pattern of speaking?

26. Do my child's habits of reacting match my habits or patterns?

27. How can I contribute changing my child's dominant patterns?


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TAKE

ACTION

28. When I feel angry, I will ____________ to calm myself, and shield my child from emotions for which he is not responsible.

29. When I feel shame, I will ____________ to have empathy for myself, and shield my child from judgments for which she is not responsible.

30. When I feel like blaming, I will ____________ so I can open up my perspective and see the pain in myself or others, and shield my child from emotions for which he is not responsible.

31. When I feel afraid, I will ____________ so I can meet my own needs, and shield my child from fears for which she is not responsible.


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TAKE

ACTION

32. I will take the opportunity to show appreciation and gratitude for ______________________ by ______________________

33. What is one fun thing I can do each day to create a ritual or tradition with my child?

34. Where did I begin this journey?

What thoughts, feelings, needs and expectations were in my awareness when I started this series.

35. How far have I come?

Have I reached any personal goals?

What thoughts, needs and expectations are in my awareness as I complete this series.


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