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EVOLUTION My Writing Through Time

4/30/2012

Michelle Ramirez Dr. Horton ENGL 1101

English 1101 Final Portfolio Project Title

Table of Contents

Analytical Cover Letter ....................................................................................................................1

Quality Comparison .........................................................................................................................4

Least Successful Article Response ......................................................................................4

Most Successful Article Response .......................................................................................6

“What’s the Difference?” .....................................................................................................8

Revision Samples .............................................................................................................................9

Least Successful Article Response (with markup) ..............................................................9

Least Successful Article Response (final) .........................................................................11

Most Successful Article Response (with markup) .............................................................13

Most Successful Article Response (final) ..........................................................................15

Most Successful Essay (with markup) ...............................................................................17

Most Successful Essay (final) ............................................................................................22

1

June 30, 2010 Matthew R. Horton, Ph. D. Assistant Professor of English Gainesville State College Oconee Campus 313b Oconee Classroom 1201 Bishop Farms Parkway Watkinsville, GA 30677 Dear Dr. Horton,

This semester I was able to improve in one of my biggest weaknesses, writing. Taking this course was definitely a wake up call for my writing skills. I am not saying that I am a professional writer now but I improved in many things. One of my greatest achievements for this class was being able to write about topics that were very personal to me. I have always dreaded having to write about things that I have experience because I feel like people will not be interested in what I am what I have to say, but that is not true at all. People love to hear about someone else’s experiences because they are able to experience those things when they are reading about. It’s like when you read a book and you feel like you are the main character in the book. You are able to live through those things even if you have never experienced them. Another achievement was just improving my overall writing skills and you will see that in this portfolio. You will be able to see how my writing went from bad to somewhat good. Especially if you compare my writing from the article response to my article essay. I hope that you are able to see I did improve even if it was just a small way.

For my least successful article response I picked Is College Really Making You Smarter? I chose this to improve this piece because it had many errors that needed corrections. I started to correct my errors with the thing that needed the most improvement and that was the structure and organization. The first error that I corrected was to make that one paragraph into two. In my original copy I had written one paragraph and in that paragraph I had put two different concepts that needed to be separated. The next step I took into correcting my article response was that I deleted and rewrote sentences that were taking me off topic. I tend to get off topic quite easily. Then I changed the wording of a sentence that I felt needed change in order to make more sense. I also made corrections to the name I was using from the author. Instead of using his last name, I had used his first. The last correction that I made to my response was to add a citation. In my original file I had put no citation; the most important part because the whole point of an article response is to get a person interested enough to read the article I wrote about. I also had to give the author credit for his work. Although many corrections were made to this article response, I believe that the best thing about it was the topic. The topic can draw reader from the age of 15-65. After all the corrections were made to my response, I read the original and the final copy out loud. My writing definitely made more sense in the final copy because everything flowed into place. I felt that a person reading my final copy would get a better understanding of the message I am trying to relay.

2

The piece that I chose as my most successful Article Response was The Less the Better. I picked this piece because I felt it was the article response that showed the most improvement. In the beginning of the semester I did not understand what the instructions for the article response were asking me to do. So far in my life all my writing had to do with me, so when I was told to avoid using the words you, me, and I it felt like something very foreign to me. This was my last article response. So by the time I wrote it I had a better understanding of how I was supposed to write. Although this piece did improve there were still many corrections that needed to be done, especially in the second paragraph. I say that because most of my corrections were in the second paragraph because I kept getting off topic. I went from talking about weight loss facts to how obesity is bad for you and how it is affecting Americans. Although I was linking the article to an important topic, I still think I put too many ideas in one paragraph. The structure and organization of the response had improved so I did not need a lot of altering. The thing that corrected most in this response was my ideas. I liked what I was trying to say, I just did not like the way I said it. The best part about my response was that I was able to tell my readers what the author of the article wanted them to know. I feel that I was able to do that in both of the paragraphs without breaking any rules. Finally, when I was done correcting this piece I read it out loud to myself and I liked that my corrections were able to make it sound better tan before. For my most successful article essay I chose the one and only piece that I was proud of and that essay is To Know or Not to Know; That is the Question. I wasn’t just proud for the grade that I got in this piece, I was proud for how much improvement it showed compared to my first one. I feel that the only reason I was able to do a good job in this essay was because we had practiced our writing with the weekly article response. Another reason for my improvement was that I was able to write about something that I experienced. In the beginning of the semester I was a little afraid of writing about a personal experience because it felt like an invasion to my privacy. What I learned from this was that the reason we are asked to write about personal experiences is because we do our best writing when it comes from our heart. It is very easy to write about something we love or care about. For the corrections in this essay there weren’t many. Not that I am trying to say that my essay was perfect but I felt that if I changed many too many things in my essay I would be compromising the experience that I was talking about. The best part of this essay was the details. Throughout the semester most of the feed back that I was getting was that I needed to provide more details and I was finally able to that in this essay. I felt that a person reading this essay would be able to imaging what was going on and be able to put themselves in my shoes. The corrections that I made to this essay were mostly switching the order of words or just the wording. To others there may be many things I could change in this essay, but I felt that what I had written was great. The problem that will most likely encounter when writing will be to transfer my thoughts into writing. I feel that getting ideas comes easily to me but the problem is that I am not bale to write those ideas in a way that make sense. Somehow my words get lost in translation and what I am trying to say is not what I wrote. When working with a tutor, she told me that I wrote the way I spoke. Since them I have been trying to change that but I believe that it is going to take me a long time to get rid of that habit and I feel that with more practice I will be able to get better at this. Another problem that I will most likely run into is repeating myself. When I write I tend to say the same thing over and over again but I try to switch the wording so it won’t be as obvious. I think that what I need to do is just practice. I feel that an experienced writer is able to avoid

3

these mistakes because of all the learning they have done through writing. A person only gets better with practice and that is what I am going to do. One of my goals is to start keeping a journal. A journal is freestyle writing but when I write it will make sure that it is good enough to read. By that I mean that my writing will be good enough to turn in as an assignment for a class. Another one of my goals will be to write about things that do not interest me a lot. I tend to be comfortable when writing about things that I love. I want to break out of that comfort zone. I want to be able to write about anything and everything because I know that it is something that will be required of me especially in college. So, I promise to start a journal and in that journal I promise to write about a topic something different at least once a month. Now for the best part, what grade would I give myself for the work that I have done? I believe I will get what I deserve and that is a C. I will not lie, but I could have definitely put more effort into this class. If I had, maybe by now I would have been more comfortable with writing. One of the reasons that I didn’t do the In-class essay for my final is because I would have most likely failed. With this portfolio I am at least given the chance to pass even if it is just with a C. I also regret not taking every opportunity I was given to write, for example the optional article responses. If I would have taken advantage of those opportunities than maybe I would have deserve at least a B maybe even an A. All I can say is that even with the little effort I put forth I still gained a lot from this course. I was also able to learn about different tools like blogger.com and turnitin.com that I could use to my advantage. Although, I will definitely need more practice with those. Sincerely, Michelle G Ramirez

4

Is college really making you smarter?

In the article, Live and Learn, by Louis Menand, Louis talks about how college is

accessible to almost every one and he asks if that accessibility is lowering the value of higher

education? To answer this question he talks about a study he read, done by two sociologists,

Richard Arum and Josipa Roksa. In this study Arum and Roksa assess over two-thousand

incoming freshmen From UCLA. They test them twice, first in the beginning of their freshmen

year then after attending three semesters of college. They tested them on their abilities of critical

thinking, analytical reasoning, problem solving, and writing. The Study showed that only fifty-

five percent of the students improved. So is this proof enough to say that the value of education

has decreased due to its demand? Although the study does suggest that not many people

improved it does not prove that students are going to college and learning nothing. For Louis it

just proves that, “The system appears to be drawing in large numbers of people who have no firm

career goals but failing to help them acquire focus.” So what does a student need in order to

actually learn something in college? For Louis the answer is plain and simple, motivation. He

explains this by saying that, “Students at very selective colleges are still super-motivated—their

motivation is one of the reasons they are selected—and most professors, since we are the sort of

people who want a little gold star for everything we do, still want to make a difference to their

students.” He wants readers to understand that even though they will not always get their

money’s worth of education due to its demand, that that is no reason to enter college with a

mindset that will impair them from learning. That they should get the as much as they can out of

it since they are going to waste all that , money, time, and effort. Yes, the odds are against them

but who’s to say that they will not learn anything, according to Louis, “Education is about

5

personal and intellectual growth,” and two to ten years is plenty of time for a person to grow one

way or another.

6

The Less the Better

Parker-Pope, Tara. “The Fat Trap”. The New York Times. The New York Times, January 2012.

Web. 6 April 2012

In the article The Fat Trap by Tara Parker-Pope, Pope talks about Study done by Joseph

Proietto, a physician at the University of Melbourne, which proves that it is much more difficult

to lose weight if you have been overweight before. In the article, Pope talks about her experience

with losing weight. Pope has struggle with maintaining a normal weight throughout her lifetime

and with so many other people going through the same thing she wants them to know that it is

not all their fault. In the study done by Joseph Proietto, the study showed that a person that has

been overweight before has a harder time burning calories, which makes them have to consume

less calories per day in order for to even lose anything. Another thing that the study showed was

that a body that has lost weight before will try to compensate for the pounds lost; this makes it

even harder for a person to maintain a healthy weight. What Pope is trying to tell her readers is

that even though your body will go against you when you are trying to lose weight that is no

reason to give up hope.

What Pope discusses in this article is very important because just in America one third of

the population is obese. Weight is a topic that even politicians are discussing because it affects a

great number of people and it is not just the number of people it affects that makes it important, it

is also the consequences that come with being overweight. Being overweight poses many health

problems from diabetes, to high blood pressure, to heart attacks and because it affects so many

people a lot of insurance companies are increasing their policies because they have to make up

7

for all the money that is being spent on people with all these types of problems. That is why it is

encouraged to lose weight if your weight is higher than normal. In this article Pope is trying to

motivate those that are trying their best to lose that extra weight, because no matter how hard

they try they are going to have to try even harder.

8

What’s the Difference?

In my least successful article essay Is College Really Making You Smarter? there are

many revisions that had to be made. The first thing that I changed was the structure. In the

original article essay there was only one paragraph. In the marked up version you will see that a

split into two paragraphs like it is asked in the instructions. In the original response there was

also no citation. In my marked up version I added one. I also added and deleted many sentences

because when I split the one paragraph into two. I had to rewrite most of my work in order for

my paragraph to make more sense. I also took a lot of sentences off because my changes were

not merging in as well as I wished. One obvious mistake that I had in my original response was

that I had used the author’s first name whenever I was expressing his opinions. Overall, this

response needed a lot of work to and it was as if I had made a new response by the end.

In my most successful article essay The Less the Better, there was a lot of rewriting that

had to be done in order to keep my ideas organized. In the original article response, there were

many sentences that took me off topic. By writing new sentences I was able to get go back to the

topic. I was also able to explain the opinion of the authors instead of my own. My original ideas

were good I just did not like the way I wrote them. In my head they sounded way better than how

they did on paper. Basically I knew how to do this article response I just had to make sure that all

the ideas I was writing were falling into place. I also had to change the order of some of the

sentences because whenever I added something new or whenever I change something, it would

change the whole order of the response. For this response I made less revision but the changes I

did make were vital. So I had to make sure that if I change one thing, I would most likely have to

change another.

9

Is college really making you smarter?

Menand, Louis. "Live and Learn." The New Yorker. Condé Nast, 6 June 2011. Web. 30 Apr.

2012.

In the article Live and Learn by Louis Menand, Menand talks about the availability of

college. He asks if making college accessible to everyone is lowering the value of education. To

answer his question, Menand discusses a study, done by the sociologists Richard Arum and

Josipa Roksa. In this study, Arum and Roksa assessed over two-thousand incoming freshmen

from UCLA. They tested the students on their abilities to think, reason, problem solve, and write.

They were tested in the beginning of their freshman year and again, in their third semester of

college. The study concluded that only fifty-five percent of students showed any kind of

improvement. Is this enough proof to say that the value of education has decreased due to its

demand? Menand insists that the study proves, “the system appears to be drawing in large

numbers of people who have no firm career goals but failing to help them acquire focus.”

What does a student need in order to learn in college? For Menand, the answer is plain

and simple, motivation. He explains that, “students at very selective colleges are still super-

motivated—their motivation is one of the reasons they are selected—and most professors, since

we are the sort of people who want a little gold star for everything we do, still want to make a

difference to their students.” He wants his readers to understand that the quality of education

should not affect their level of motivation. As long as a person is willing to learn, no matter the

situation, the college they attend does not matter. Yes, it is better if one attends an Ivy League

school than the local community college, but who’s to say that they will not learn anything.

Comment [GSC1]: The title makes the reader think about their own experiences in college.

Comment [GSC2]: I added citation that was not put in the draft.

Comment [GSC3]: I used the author’s first name instead of their last name.

Comment [GSC4]: I wanted to make sure that the reader remembered the authors name. Saying he does not give the author enough credit for his work.

Comment [GSC5]: I rewrote this sentence in a way that the tense would make more sense. When you read the new sentence out loud comes out more smoothly than the old sentence.

Comment [GSC6]: I like this question because it contradicts the article in a way that would make a person conduct a study. The article was based on one study in one state in one school. Testing this theory in more than one environment will make the article more believable.

Comment [GSC7]: I like that the question asked is followed by an answer given by a professor in college because if a random person gave that answer it would not make sense because they would not know any better but he does because he teaches.

Comment [GSC8]: I decided to take this sentence of because too much was put in just one sentence. Reading aloud confused me a little and I did not want the reader to have the same problem.

Comment [GSC9]: I rewrote this sentence because I wanted to explain that the value of education depends on the person that is learning. The attitude a person has while they are learning will determine whether they will learn anything.

10

According to Menand, “education is about personal and intellectual growth,” and the time it gets

to earn a college degree is plenty of time for a person to grow, one way or another.

Comment [GSC10]: Switched first name to last.

Comment [GSC11]: I love my last sentence because a person can grow in a short span of time or in a long span of time. It all depends on how much effort a person puts forth.

11

Is college really making you smarter?

Menand, Louis. "Live and Learn." The New Yorker. Condé Nast, 6 June 2011. Web. 30 Apr.

2012.

In the article Live and Learn by Louis Menand, Menand talks about the availability of

college. He asks if making college accessible to everyone is lowering the value of education. To

answer his question, Menand discusses a study, done by the sociologists Richard Arum and

Josipa Roksa. In this study, Arum and Roksa assessed over two-thousand incoming freshmen

from UCLA. They tested the students on their abilities to think, reason, problem solve, and write.

They were tested in the beginning of their freshman year and again, in their third semester of

college. The study concluded that only fifty-five percent of students showed any kind of

improvement. Is this enough proof to say that the value of education has decreased due to its

demand? Menand insists that the study proves, “the system appears to be drawing in large

numbers of people who have no firm career goals but failing to help them acquire focus.”

What does a student need in order to learn in college? For Menand, the answer is plain

and simple, motivation. He explains that, “students at very selective colleges are still super-

motivated—their motivation is one of the reasons they are selected—and most professors, since

we are the sort of people who want a little gold star for everything we do, still want to make a

difference to their students.” He wants his readers to understand that the quality of education

should not affect their level of motivation. As long as a person is willing to learn, no matter the

situation, the college they attend does not matter. Yes, it is better if one attends an Ivy League

school than the local community college, but who’s to say that they will not learn anything.

12

According to Menand, “education is about personal and intellectual growth,” and the time it gets

to earn a college degree is plenty of time for a person to grow, one way or another.

13

The Less the Better

Parker-Pope, Tara. “The Fat Trap”. The New York Times. The New York Times, January 2012.

Web. 6 April 2012.

In the article The Fat Trap by Tara Parker-Pope, Pope explains a study done by Joseph

Proietto, a physician at the University of Melbourne. The study proves that it is more difficult to

lose weight if a person has been overweight before. In the article, Pope talks about her

experience with weight -loss. Throughout Pope’s life, she has struggled with maintaining a

normal weight. Many people endeavor with the same problem. Pope argues unsuccessful weight-

loss is not anyone’s fault. In the study, Proietto affirms that a person who has been overweight

before has a harder time burning calories. In order for them to achieve any weight loss they

would have to consume 500 less calories per day compared to an average person. The study also

showed that a body that has lost weight before will try to compensate for the pounds lost, making

it even harder for a person to maintain a healthy weight. Pope’s advice to anyone trying to lose

weight is to never give up hope, even when your own body is against you.

Pope discusses a very important topic in this article, weight. In the United State, one

third of the population is obese. The number of people affected by obesity is at such a high rate,

that insurance companies are increasing their policies because of all the money that is being

spent on people with complications due to obesity. It is strongly encouraged by experts to lose

weight if you are obese, or your weight is higher than what is considered normal. Pope wants

her readers to understand even though science has proven that losing weight a second time is

much harder than the first, it is not impossible. Pope is also trying to motivate those that are

Comment [GSC1]: I like that the author is able to relate her own experiences with her audience experience. Making the article more realistic.

Comment [GSC2]: I tried to change the wording so that I would not repeat myself.

Comment [GSC3]: I had to make two sentences because I was trying to explain two ideas in one sentences but they were not blending in very well

Comment [GSC4]: I like this sentence because it tells you the message the author is trying to relate to her readers. Especially because the author is telling us that it is going to be hard to lose weight.

Comment [GSC5]: I decided to take these sentences out because I was getting off topic. I explaining what obesity was instead of explaining the importance of it.

Comment [GSC6]: I Made sure that this sentence reflected the word of a professional and not mine because I do not have certification that would allow me to say this.

14

trying their best to lose that extra weight, because no matter how hard they try, they are going to

have to try and motivate themselves even harder.

Comment [GSC7]: More advice is given to the readers by the author. Although her article talked a scientific fact she tells her readers that motivation can overcome that.

15

The Less the Better

Parker-Pope, Tara. “The Fat Trap”. The New York Times. The New York Times, January 2012.

Web. 6 April 2012.

In the article The Fat Trap by Tara Parker-Pope, Pope explains a study done by Joseph

Proietto, a physician at the University of Melbourne. The study proves that it is more difficult to

lose weight if a person has been overweight before. In the article, Pope talks about her

experience with weight -loss. Throughout Pope’s life, she has struggled with maintaining a

normal weight. Many people endeavor with the same problem. Pope argues unsuccessful weight-

loss is not anyone’s fault. In the study, Proietto affirms that a person who has been overweight

before has a harder time burning calories. In order for them to achieve any weight loss they

would have to consume 500 less calories per day compared to an average person. The study also

showed that a body that has lost weight before will try to compensate for the pounds lost, making

it even harder for a person to maintain a healthy weight. Pope’s advice to anyone trying to lose

weight is to never give up hope, even when your own body is against you.

Pope discusses a very important topic in this article, weight. In the United State, one

third of the population is obese. The number of people affected by obesity is at such a high rate,

that insurance companies are increasing their policies because of all the money that is being

spent on people with complications due to obesity. It is strongly encouraged by experts to lose

weight if you are obese, or your weight is higher than what is considered normal. Pope wants

her readers to understand even though science has proven that losing weight a second time is

much harder than the first, it is not impossible. Pope is also trying to motivate those that are

16

trying their best to lose that extra weight, because no matter how hard they try, they are going to

have to try and motivate themselves even harder.

Ramirez 17

17

Formatted: Centered

Michelle Ramirez

Professor Horton

English 1101

22 March 2012

To Know or Not to Know, That Is the Question

In the article Can Cancer Be Ignored by Shannon Brownlee and Jeanne Lenzer, there is a

quote that questions whether knowing if you have prostate cancer is worth the side effects of

testing for it. “Despite the seeming logic of the P.S.A. test, the evidence that it saves lives is far

from conclusive, and Brawley is not the only one questioning it. A growing cadre of doctors,

epidemiologists, patients and cancer biologists are rethinking its value. And the most recent

studies, while not ending the debate, indicate that routine P.S.A. testing appears not to reduce the

number of deaths, and if it does, the benefit is exceedingly modest.” Coming from a personal

experience, knowing what you are going to face is always better than going into it blind.

Preparing yourself and raising raises your chances of survival, is better than discovering the truth

at the last minute, when it is too late. For some, the risks of knowing the truth about your health

might be too much to take. For others though, myself included, being a step ahead of a problem

gives them the advantage of winning the battle. Although it is proven that testing for prostate

cancer does not reduce the number of deaths caused by it, is anyone willing to take that chance? I

know that I am not.

In 2008, I was deployed to Kabul, Afghanistan for a 12 month tour. Even though I would

call my family and talk to them every day, life at home was not my first priority. I was more

Formatted

Comment [GSC1]: I rewrote this sentence because there were two ideas and I did not explain both of them thoroughly. One idea was not finished and written halfway, which gave the sentence no meaning.

Ramirez 18

18

Formatted: Centered

worried about the war that was going on around me. The soldiers in the base, my battle buddies,

had become my family; protecting each other from our dangerous environment had become our

main concern. What I didn’t realize was that while I was worried about the safety of my battle

buddies, I should have been more concerned about the wellbeing of my real family. While I was

fighting for my country, my mother was fighting for her life without me realizing it. For months

my mother had been going to many different doctors because she hadn’t been feeling unwell.

She also had a bump growing in the right side of her neck that kept getting bigger by the day.

After 6 different doctor’s visits my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 Esophageal Cancer. By

the time the doctors figured out what was wrong with her, the cancer had metastasized to her

throat, tongue, ears, neck and nose. The cancer had spread, but thankfully, it had stayed in one

common area. The doctors told my mother that she would have to go through extensive

chemotherapy and radiation, two treatments that are very toxic for the body, and that the only

way to survive these dangerous treatments would be to keep strong and get as much support from

her friends and family.

Halfway through my deployment, while talking to my sister, I felt like the conversation

was not as it usually was. Normally, she would talk my ear off about anything and everything,

but this time she was completely quietsilent. I knew there was something wrong but I was afraid

to ask. I had no idea what she was going to tell me, but I knew it was not good news. When I

finally got the courage to ask her what was wrong, she told me that she was not at liberty to tell

me anything because our mother had prohibited anyone from mentioning anything to me. After

arguing with her for 30 minutes that keeping things from me would not help me feel any better

than knowing the truth, she decided to tell me what was wrong. She told me that our mother had

been diagnosed with cancer. At that moment, I kind of wish she would have kept this awful news

Comment [GSC2]: I like the details in this paragraph because it explained the importance between both my families, my military and my real one. This paragraph also draws the reader in because it explains the conflict that will arise without telling the whole story.

Comment [GSC3]: I deleted this sentence because I was repeating myself within the same sentence.

Ramirez 19

19

Formatted: Centered

to herself. Now I was burdened with the fact that I could not be there for my mother and that I

would not be there for her for another six months. Although I was finally aware of the situation

back home, I was now asking myself whether it was a good idea to know about a problem that I

had no control over. Knowing that my mother was fighting for her life would certainly have an

effect on my focus towards the task at hand.

For the rest of my deployment I could not concentrate on anything except my mother’s

health. I thought about asking for a medical leave, but since we were at the end of our

deployment, Captain Walters could not let me go back home because I was needed to start

packing all of our equipment. If we were not done packing by our deadline our whole unit would

have to wait for us to finish, and that would not be practical for anyone, including myself. I could

not be selfish and go home, delaying my unit’s departure back to the US. Basically, I was stuck

in Afghanistan knowing I could not go home for six months and the only thing I could was offer

my mother was words of support encouragement through the phone. For me, this was very hard

time in my life. I never felt at rest, my body and mind were constantly stressing about work and

my safety during the daytime, and at night I was sick with worry about my mother’s life.

When we were ready to return to the United States, I was both afraid and happyhappy. I

was happy happy because I would finally be able to reunite with my family, but I was afraid of

the state I would find my mother in. When I finally made it home I was overwhelmed with

excitement. Everything that had happened in the past six months did nno’t matter anymore. My

new mission would be to take care of my mother and make sure that her only job was to defeat

the cancer. The next months were very hard on me and my family. We did everything we could

to keep my mother’s hopes up. We took turns staying with her during her chemotherapy

sessions, my sisters and I maintained everything around the house, and we made sure that our

Ramirez 20

20

Formatted: Centered

mother got everything she needed. We finally got to walk in her shoes and realized how much

she had sacrificed for us her whole life. Going through this deadly sickness with her made us

realize how important she was to us. Although going through this was very difficult, it made me

and my family stronger than ever. We realized that as a family we could conquer whatever life

threw at us.

So I ask myself, would it hadhave been better for my family to keep this information to

themselves or was it better for me to know the truth? My answer is thatFor itme it is always

better to know the truth, no matter the consequences. Although the news about my mothers

illness my mother’s cancer news did affect me, I’m still glad that my family told me because I

think about all the different scenarios that couldthat could have happened if they hadn’t. One of

those scenarios is what if she would have died while I was deployed and I wouldn’t have known

about it until I had arrived home. I would have never forgiven my family if something like that

would have happened. To me, my family is very important. They are always there whenever I

need them, and I try to be there for them as much as possible. I believe that all the support my

mother got is what helped her get better and defeat the cancer. I like to believe that I was part of

her support system. Although I was hundreds of miles away, I made sure to call as much as

possible so that she would know that I was there for her no matter what. My mother Kknowing

that my mother she had cancer made all the difference in the world. Thankfully, she’s here with

us, a survivor and stronger than ever.

Comment [GSC4]: I did not make many corrections in this essay because I liked the outcome. I felt like I was able to effectively write about a topic that is very dear and personal to me. I felt I gave many details about the situation I was in, what I was experiencing and feeling. In my opinion, I structured my essay correctly, following the guidelines I was provided. I wrote this essay from experience making more relatable to readers who may or may not have been in the same situation. I did change the wording in some sentences because the words I was using were not powerful enough to describe the situation.

Ramirez 21

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Formatted: Centered

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Michelle Ramirez

Professor Horton

English 1101

22 March 2012

To Know or Not to Know, That Is the Question

In the article Can Cancer Be Ignored by Shannon Brownlee and Jeanne Lenzer, there is a quote

that questions whether knowing if you have prostate cancer is worth the side effects of testing for

it. “Despite the seeming logic of the P.S.A. test, the evidence that it saves lives is far from

conclusive, and Brawley is not the only one questioning it. A growing cadre of doctors,

epidemiologists, patients and cancer biologists are rethinking its value. And the most recent

studies, while not ending the debate, indicate that routine P.S.A. testing appears not to reduce the

number of deaths, and if it does, the benefit is exceedingly modest.” Coming from a personal

experience, knowing what you are going to face is always better than going into it blind.

Preparing yourself raises your chances of survival, than discovering the truth at the last minute,

when it is too late. For some, the risks of knowing the truth about your health might be too much

to take. For others, myself included, being a step ahead of a problem gives them the advantage

of winning the battle. Although it is proven that testing for prostate cancer does not reduce the

number of deaths caused by it, is anyone willing to take that chance? I know that I am not.

In 2008, I was deployed to Kabul, Afghanistan for a 12 month tour. Even though I would

call my family and talk to them every day, life at home was not my first priority. I was more

worried about the war that was going on around me. The soldiers in the base, my battle buddies,

had become my family; protecting each other from our dangerous environment had become our

main concern. What I didn’t realize was that while I was worried about the safety of my battle

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buddies, I should have been more concerned about the wellbeing of my real family. While I was

fighting for my country, my mother was fighting for her life without me realizing it. For months

my mother had been going to many different doctors because she hadn’t been feeling unwell.

She also had a bump growing in the right side of her neck that kept getting bigger by the day.

After 6 different doctor’s visits my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 Esophageal Cancer. By

the time the doctors figured out what was wrong with her, the cancer had metastasized to her

throat, tongue, ears, neck and nose. The cancer had spread, but thankfully, it had stayed in one

common area. The doctors told my mother that she would have to go through extensive

chemotherapy and radiation, two treatments that are very toxic for the body, and that the only

way to survive these dangerous treatments would be to keep strong and get as much support from

her friends and family.

Halfway through my deployment, while talking to my sister, I felt like the conversation

was not as it usually was. Normally, she would talk my ear off about anything and everything,

but this time she was completely silent. I knew there was something wrong but I was afraid to

ask. I had no idea what she was going to tell me, but I knew it was not good news. When I

finally got the courage to ask her what was wrong, she told me that she was not at liberty to tell

me anything because our mother had prohibited anyone from mentioning anything to me. After

arguing with her for 30 minutes , she decided to tell me what was wrong. She told me that our

mother had been diagnosed with cancer. At that moment, I kind of wish she would have kept this

awful news to herself. Now I was burdened with the fact that I could not be there for my mother

and that I would not be there for her for another six months. Although I was finally aware of the

situation back home, I was now asking myself whether it was a good idea to know about a

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problem that I had no control over. Knowing that my mother was fighting for her life would

certainly have an effect on my focus towards the task at hand.

For the rest of my deployment I could not concentrate on anything except my mother’s

health. I thought about asking for a medical leave, but since we were at the end of our

deployment, Captain Walters could not let me go back home because I was needed to start

packing all of our equipment. If we were not done packing by our deadline our whole unit would

have to wait for us to finish, and that would not be practical for anyone, including myself. I could

not be selfish and go home, delaying my unit’s departure back to the US. Basically, I was stuck

in Afghanistan knowing I could not go home for six months and the only thing I could offer my

mother was words of encouragement through the phone. For me, this was very hard time in my

life. I never felt at rest, my body and mind were constantly stressing about work and my safety

during the daytime, and at night I was sick with worry about my mother’s life.

When we were ready to return to the United States, I was both afraid and happy. I was

happy because I would finally be able to reunite with my family, but I was afraid of the state I

would find my mother in. When I finally made it home I was overwhelmed with excitement.

Everything that had happened in the past six months did not matter anymore. My new mission

would be to take care of my mother and make sure that her only job was to defeat the cancer.

The next months were very hard on me and my family. We did everything we could to keep my

mother’s hopes up. We took turns staying with her during her chemotherapy sessions, my sisters

and I maintained everything around the house, and we made sure that our mother got everything

she needed. We finally got to walk in her shoes and realized how much she had sacrificed for us

her whole life. Going through this deadly sickness with her made us realize how important she

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was to us. Although going through this was very difficult, it made me and my family stronger

than ever. We realized that as a family we could conquer whatever life threw at us.

So I ask myself, would it have been better for my family to keep this information to

themselves or for me to know the truth? For me it is always better to know the truth, no matter

the consequences. Although the news about my mothers illness did affect me, I’m still glad that

my family told me because I think about all the different scenarios that could have happened if

they hadn’t. One of those scenarios is what if she would have died while I was deployed and I

wouldn’t have known about it until I had arrived home. I would have never forgiven my family if

something like that would have happened. To me, my family is very important. They are always

there whenever I need them, and I try to be there for them as much as possible. I believe that all

the support my mother got is what helped her get better and defeat the cancer. I like to believe

that I was part of her support system. Although I was hundreds of miles away, I made sure to call

as much as possible so that she would know that I was there for her no matter what. Knowing

that my mother had cancer made all the difference in the world. Thankfully, she’s here with us, a

survivor and stronger than ever.