Season 1 Episode 12.5 “THE KALE’S ALWAYS GREENER…”

Written by Mitch Garver

Created by Mindy Kaling

mcgarve@pointpark.edu

COLD OPEN

INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - DAY

MINDY (30’s) lies peacefully sleeping in her bed. Nightgown, sleep mask, the whole nine yards.

MINDY (V.O.)You know, I read in an Us Weekly once that every morning, when SalmaHayek wakes up, the very first thing she does is say a quick prayer. I mean, how completely refreshing would that be? To wake up and-

A car HONK - Mindy jolts to life.

MAN (O.S.)Watch where you’re going, you BLEEP’n piece of trash!

MINDYOh, that’s nice.

ANOTHER MAN (O.S.)Suck a BLEEP, you BLEEP BLEEP’nmother BLEEP-er!

She makes her way to the window - leans out.

MINDYHey, New York City! Some of us are still sleeping at 7:30 A.M. on a Sunday!

A BICYCLIST cruises by-

BICYCLISTIt’s eleven!

MINDYWhat?! It is?

A woman, one floor down from Mindy, pokes her head out-

WOMANYeah! Oh, and today’s not Sunday. It’s Friday.

MINDYFriday? Really? Wow, how was I that far off? Wait, who the hell are you?

WOMANJoanne Richardson in 3G.

Mindy has no clue-

WOMAN (CONT’D)We met at the last tenants meeting?

Another BEAT, nothing-

WOMAN (CONT’D)I let you borrow my chocolate fountain nine weeks ago for what you said was your annual dinner date with Michael Fassbender?

MINDYOh, yeah. Crap.

WOMANI also gave you three pounds of Swedish melting chocolate!

Mindy slowly starts to retreat inside-

MINDYSorry, you’re breaking up.

WOMANWe’re not on a phone!

Mindy mimics STATIC, pulls her window shut-

MINDY(STATIC)

Sorry, can’t hear you.(STATIC)

WOMANWe’re talking to each other in real life!

The window is shut-

WOMAN (O.S.) (CONT’D)You owe me big time, you thief!

Mindy tip-toes away, grabs her phone: NINE MISSED CALLS FROM WORK-

2.

MINDY (V.O.)Salma Hayek can suck it.

Mindy collapses onto her bed.

SMASH TO TITLES.

ACT I

INT. SUBWAY PLATFORM - DAY

Numerous people crowd around waiting for the next train. Mindy rushes onto the scene; checks her phone: more MISSED CALLS from WORK, plus a VOICEMAIL from PIPER. She checks it-

PIPER (V.O.)Mindy, it’s Piper. I know it’s super duper last minute, and I know you’re a hotshot big city doctor now, but I need a favor-

She cuts it short-

MINDYNope, no time for favors! Sorry!

She comes to the large crowd waiting for the text train-

MINDY (CONT’D)Are you kidding me right now? Can a New Yorker not get anywhere in ten minutes?

A DASHING STRANGER turns around from his spot in the crowd-

DASHING STRANGERAre you kidding me right now? Are you new to the city or something?

MINDYNo, I’ve lived here for eight years now, Sir.

DASHING STRANGERAnd you’re expecting to get where you’re going in ten minutes?

MINDYI have high expectations for my morning commute, okay?

He LAUGHS, flashes a toothy grin. Mindy swoons.

3.

DASHING STRANGERYou do know that it’s not morning anymore, right? This would be more of a lunchtime commute, you could say.

MINDYI get it, I’m a mess right now. My alarm never went off, my neighbor is trying to accuse me of thievery, and I am so late for work that by the time I get there I bet they’ll already be interviewing people for my position.

DASHING STRANGERWow, sounds like it’s been a stressful day. What do you say we move over to that bench and you can tell me all about it? Train’s always late on Friday anyway.

Mindy double takes between the bench (far off corner; no people).

And the crowded platform (A MAN in the crowd SNEEZES; A CHILD in a stroller drops an ice cream cone, WAILS deafeningly).

She’s quickly pulled back in by Stranger’s kind eyes.

MINDYYes! I mean, yes. That would be lovely.

BENCH

Mindy and the Stranger emerge from the crowd, approach the empty bench, eventually taking seats next to each other-

MINDYYou know, I was blabbering all about my problems over there that I didn’t even remember to mention my name. I’m Dr. Mindy Lahiri and I-

DASHING STRANGERGive me all your money.

He FLICKS open a switch blade-

MINDYWhat? Wait, why-

4.

DASHING STRANGERI want every last dime, paper, plastic.

(LEANING IN; WHISPERING)And don’t even think about screaming for help or I’ll make sure that you really end up screaming.

His grip on the blade tightens.

MINDYOkay, okay.

Mindy digs through her bag at a hurried pace.

MINDY (CONT’D)Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this is happening to me. I am so defenseless.

A couple beats and Mindy pulls her arm out of the bag, SWINGING her hand rapidly toward the stranger’s eyes.

MINDY (CONT’D)AHA!

She wields a YELLOW HI-LIGHTER, she holds it as if it were a small can of mace she was using to spray the Stranger.

Realizing what’s really in her hand-

MINDY (CONT’D)Oh, crap. That’s not mace.

The Stranger LAUGHS-

DASHING STRANGERYou know, I think if the circumstances were a little different here, I might ask you out on a date.

MINDY(ODDLY CHARMED)

Really?(REALIZING)

And exactly what circumstances would those be?

DASHING STRANGERMe not mugging you at knife point, and you being about fifteen less pounds.

5.

Mindy GASPS-

MINDYI resent that! Almost as much as I resent that fact that you’re mugging me right now.

DASHING STRANGERC’mon, c’mon...

He motion for her to hurry with his knife. She continues digging and soon hands him a few bills, a few credit cards...

DASHING STRANGER (CONT’D)That too.

Mindy pulls a small business card with numerous holes punched into it from her wallet.

MINDYMy Mrs. Buttercream’s Cupcake Company Frequent Friend card?

DASHING STRANGERYeah.

MINDYBut just one more punch and I get a free Cupcake Castle Party Platter.

DASHING STRANGERExactly.

She hands it over and the Stranger pockets all of Mindy’s stolen belongings.

As he’s leaving-

DASHING STRANGER (CONT’D)Good luck on getting to work on time, and it was nice meeting you Dr. Mindy Shapiri.

MINDY(YELLING)

It’s Lahiri!(TO HERSELF)

Why would I correct him?

INT. SCHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - LOBBY - LATER

Mindy finally arrives to work. TAMRA (20’s) is working behind the nurse’s counter, fails to notice Mindy.

6.

MINDYTamra! Aren’t you going to ask me where I’ve been?

TAMRAOh, Dr. L! You finally got up from you’re morning nap!

MINDYNo? Wait, what? What are you talking about?

TAMRAGirl, you been sleeping on your desk all morning long.

She motions toward Mindy’s office where a dark-complected HOMELESS MAN sleeps atop piles of paperwork.

Tamra double-takes, grows confused-

TAMRA (CONT’D)Wait, if you’re here talking to me then who’s that?

MINDYTamra, that’s a homeless man!

Mindy storms into her office.

TAMRAOh my God! He looks just like you.

Tamra follows into

MINDY’S OFFICE

Mindy pokes the Man with a pencil, he slowly comes to-

MINDYThis is an African-American homeless person, Tamra! Okay? I am a voluptuous, petit woman of south Asian descent! We do not look alike!

(TO THE MAN)C’mon, Sir! Up and at ‘em! You don’t have to go home but you just can’t stay here -- oh crap, wait.

TAMRA(WHISPERING)

Dr. L, he doesn’t have a home.

7.

MINDYI know that!

She ushers the man out of her office-

MINDY (CONT’D)Okay now, bye bye. Don’t come back here! And just try to forget how you got in here in the first place.

He leaves-

MINDY (CONT’D)Tamra, I know that it might not be in your job description and I respect that, but can you maybe try not letting homeless people sleep in my office, like on top of my desk, in MY OFFICE!

DANNY (30’s) pokes his head into the office-

DANNYYou know, if you weren’t nearly five hours late to work you might not be having this problem.

TAMRAOh snap, Dr. C. Good point!

DANNYThank you, Tamra.

MINDYShut up, Tamra. Go pretend to do charts while you SnapChat your boyfriend.

TAMRAYou don’t gotta tell me twice!

She leaves, Danny enters, takes a seat-

DANNYI covered your morning appointments.

MINDYThanks, Danny. I’ve just had a terrible day so far. We live in a awful city of monsters! I was rudely awaken by gang-bangers this morning, and then some beautiful jerk mugged be on the subway-

8.

DANNYWhat? Really?

MINDYYeah, he was gorgeous. Trimmed beard, about 6’2”, brown eyes I could get lost in, big hands-

DANNYNo, you got mugged?

MINDYIt’s not a big deal. I cancelled my cards on the ride here. All in all, he made it off with $17 in cash and my Frequent Friend car for Mrs. Buttercream’s Cupcake Company.

(BEAT)Damn it, I should've written my number on the back of that.

DANNYIf you’re going to start dating street thieves I think we might want to reconsider you working here.

He gets up to leave, turns back-

DANNY (CONT’D)Oh, and don’t forget that Senator’s daughter’s second check-up is at four. She’ll be escorted through the back entrance. Oh, and no posing for the paparazzi this time, that’s exactly what they’re trying to avoid.

MINDYYeah, yeah, yeah.

He exits.

Mindy collapses onto her desk, paperwork spills around her. Without looking, she reaches a finger toward the phone -BEEP-

MAN (V.O.)Ms. Lahiri? This is Kyle with Mrs. Buttercream’s Cupcake Company. We got your message, and unfortunately a lost or stolen Frequent Friend card cannot be replaced.

9.

(MORE)

Even if, as you said, you can describe exactly what it looks like and how many punches were in it-

Her finger presses the button -BEEP-

PIPER (V.O.)Mindy, it’s Piper. I know it’s super duper last minute, and I know you’re a hotshot big city doctor now, but I need a favor. Is there anyway you can house-sit for me tonight?

Mindy looks up, intrigued-

PIPER (V.O.)Me and Jerry promised we’d take the kids up to Niagra if they got straight A’s, and-

Mindy picks up the phone, cutting the message short.

She DIALS, a BEAT-

MINDYYES!

PIPER (O.S.)What? Who is this?

MINDYIt’s Mindy. Yes! Yes, yes, yes I will sit your house. I’ll be there as soon as it takes to get off this horrible island and into Suburbia.

PIPER (O.S.)Really? Oh my gosh. Thank you, Mindy. You have no idea how-

Mindy hangs up on her. Grabs her purse, exits.

LOBBY

Tamra, Danny, and MORGAN are all present-

MINDYEverybody!

No one looks up from what they’re doing-

10.

MAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)

MINDY (CONT’D)(LOUDER)

Coworkers!

Nothing -- Mindy kicks off her heels and climbs onto the nurses station. She cups her hands around her mouth-

MINDY (CONT’D)Morons of Shulman & Associates!

Everybody takes notice-

MINDY (CONT’D)I’m leaving for the day! New York City has spat in my face and if I don’t get out I will murder every last one of you. I know that sounds like some kind of weird empty threat, but it’s not. Well, it kind of is. I’m not going to murder anybody, okay? I’m just sort of unraveling right now, so I’m leaving. I’m leaving the city. Good bye.

She crouches down to hop off, but-

MINDY (CONT’D)Can somebody? Can. Can I get a little-

Morgan offers his help, she plops down-

MINDY (CONT’D)Thank you, Morgan. And now, I am storming off.

She turns dramatically to leave, struts a couple steps, stops, turns back-

MINDY (CONT’D)Oh, and if my leftover General Tso’s isn’t in the fridge when I return I really will murder someone.

She exits.

TAMRADang, can she just do that?

11.

DANNYShe just did, and now guess who has to cover the rest of her appointments!

A BEAT, Morgan pipes up-

MORGANFull disclosure you guys, I already ate that General Tso’s.

Everybody walks away, save for Tamra-

MORGAN (CONT’D)What? Between two pieces of toast it was like an oriental breakfast sandwich!

TAMRAThat bitch has lost it. Standing on my desk and stuff with her nasty barefeet. Gross, girl!

(TO MORGAN)I’d be scared if I was you, Morgan. Dr. L has lost it.

She returns to her work, and Morgan is left horrified.

ACT II

EXT. NEW YORK SUBURBS - DAY

A yellow taxi cab cruises the seemingly endless streets of look-alike houses and homes.

MINDY (O.C.)(rapping the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme)

I - pulled...

INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS

Mindy’s in the backseat-

MINDY (CONT’D)...up to the house about seven or eight, and I yelled to the cabbie “Yo homes, smell ya later!”

(TO THE CAB DRIVER)I don’t. I don’t really think you smell. It’s just. It’s a rap song.

12.

CLOSE ON: The CAB DRIVER is an expressionless man with a little bit of something green on his upper lip. Guacamole?

MINDY (CONT’D)The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Will Smith? Carlton?!

She does her best “Carlton” signature dance move. The Cabbie says nothing, he’s completely vacant.

MINDY (CONT’D)No? Nothing? C’mon-

She searches for his name, finds it on a small placard.

MINDY (CONT’D)C’mon... Dallas Benjaminson?

(BEAT)Okay, there’s no way that’s a real name and you haven’t said a word for the entire hour I’ve been trapped back here. Are you mute, Dallas? Do you just hate 90’ssitcoms? Help me understand!

The cab pulls over-

CAB DRIVEROkay. $33.65

MINDYOh, you pipe up when it’s about gettin’ paid, but when it’s to riff on pop culture icons you’re nowhere?

She rifles through her bag-

MINDY (CONT’D)I don’t think it’s asking too much to expect your taxi driver to be able to hold a simple conversation with their passengers!

CAB DRIVER$33.65

MINDYI heard you!

She TEARS him a check-

MINDY (CONT’D)Here. Don’t cash that for at least-

13.

A BEAT, she counts in her head-

MINDY (CONT’D)Eleven days.

She hops out.

EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

Mindy retrieves a few bags from the trunk.

MINDYOkay, well I guess this is it, Dallas. Thank you for everything. Please don’t tell anybody I did that Carlton dance for you.

He PEELS out-

CAB DRIVER(YELLING)

Yo homes, smell you later!

Mindy stands in the wake of his ripping exit. Nearby neighbors and passersby take notice.

MINDYScrew you, Dallas! You have something gross on your upper lip! There I said it!

She takes notice to those who are watching-

MINDY (CONT’D)What? He did! And I didn’t say anything for an hour so you can wipe those dumb looks off your faces!

The neighbors return to their business while Mindy approaches PIPER’S HOME: a large two-story traditional suburban home. Nice yard, cobblestone walkway, picket fence...

Mindy takes it in-

MINDY (CONT’D)So this is how the other half lives.

A school bus pulls up behind her, children exit, GIGGLING-

MINDY (CONT’D)Ahh, children!

14.

She bolts for the front door, retrieves a key from underneath a garden gnome, enters.

INT. PIPER’S HOME

An immaculate home. Built-ins, hardwood floors, framed family portraits. Mindy drops her bags and instantly heads for the

LIVING ROOM

Mindy draws all the blinds, ridding the room of its natural light. She pops a squat in the center of a sectional sofa, a quick beat of relaxation, and GURGLE!

Mindy grabs her stomach - GURGLE - she’s pans the room, takes notice to a small bowl of potpourri on the side table.

A BEAT as she double checks around her. She slowly takes a small piece of the potpourri, inspects it, another quick pan of the room just before placing it on her tongue.

She eats its and quickly SPITS it out into her hand-

MINDYI knew it!

(GAG)They should try to make this stuff look less delicious.

She returns the now moistened piece to the bowl, wipes her tongue on a throw pillow, and goes for the coffee table-

MINDY (CONT’D)Ah, a little TV will help curve the appetite.

She pauses, there are SIX IDENTICAL REMOTE CONTROLS -- Mindy hesitates, then grabs one, presses a button-

All the drapes FLY open allowing a flood of light to enter. Mindy SCREAMS as if she were a vampire being singed by the sun.

She tries another remote, BLARING MUSIC (possibly Let It Gofrom the FROZEN soundtrack or some other song children would love) begins playing.

MINDY (CONT’D)No, no, no!

She stops the music, tries another remote, the TV FLASHES to life-

15.

MINDY (CONT’D)Finally!

She clicks through a few menus and is eventually prompted with a PARENTAL CONTROL SIGN-IN-

She tries to click past it-

TVSorry, incorrect pass code.

Tries another-

TV (CONT’D)Sorry, incorrect pass code.

Mindy’s growing frustrated, she tries yet another-

TV (CONT’D)Sorry, incorrect pass code.

Mindy drops the remote to the ground, falls to her knees, curses the heavens-

MINDYWhy is this happening to me?!

She assumes the fetal position and continues to whine-

MINDY (CONT’D)I can feel the Netflix withdrawals coming!

(SOBBING)

KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER

Mindy is rifling through Piper’s fridge, she’s on the phone-

MINDYPiper, so you failed to mention that your entertainment system is harder to get into than your panties in college.

She LAUGHS at her own joke, pulls out a head of cabbage-

MINDY (CONT’D)I’m sorry, that was rude. You were abstaining and I respect that, but for real how do I get the TV to work? I haven’t watched Scandal this week. Have you? Was it scandalous? No! Don’t answer that!

16.

(MORE)

Okay, just call me back. Oh, and I just want you to know that kale chips are not a snack, they don’t even deserve to be called chips. Also, do you have chips? Like, real chips? Okay, call me back! Please!

Mindy hangs up, pulls out a brick of tofu, gives it a whiff, GAGS, and returns it to the fridge.

INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - STAIRWELL

Danny, Tamra, and Morgan all wait by a door at the bottom of the back stairwell.

Danny checks his phone-

DANNYOkay, she should be here any minute.

TAMRAGood, this stairwell smells like that sponge we all use in the break room.

MORGANWait, I thought that was a bar of soap.

DANNYYou’ve been washing your hands with a dirty sponge?

TAMRAAnd you’re a nurse? Ew.

Morgan gives his hands a slight whiff, then BANG BANG, Danny pulls the door open and a young woman struts in-

She’s dressed to the nines, large sunglasses, Starbucks in hand, she’s BECKY FOHLMAN and she’s pretty pregnant.

A few paparazzi SNAP photos of her as she enters, she’s followed by two BODYGUARDS.

BECKYShut the door, please! I can’t have them getting shots of this mega gutI’m carting around.

She reference her stomach, Danny pulls the door shut.

17.

MINDY (CONT’D)

DANNYOf course, Miss. Fohlman.

BECKYEw, get me out of this dungeon. It smells like rotten sponges in here.

She struts up the stairs, followed by her Body Guards and Danny. Tamra and Morgan trail behind, staring at their phones-

TAMRAI am totally tweeting about this.

MORGANI’m texting my Great Uncle Lester, he voted for her dad.

TAMRAWhat’s voting?

(BEAT)Ooh, retweet! Score!

INT. EXAM ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Becky sits atop the exam table, glued to her phone, dressed in a paper gown, her Guards stand in their respective corners. Danny and Morgan enter-

DANNYAll right, Miss. Fohlman, unfortunately Dr. Lahiri was unable to make it in today, so I’ll be conducting your check-up.

BECKYWhat?

DANNYI’m Dr. Castellano and I’ll be-

BECKYWhat?!

MORGANHe said that his name is Dr. Castellano and that he’ll be-

BECKYI know what he said, ogre. There’s no way I’m letting some dude-doctor take a look up my lady tunnel.

18.

DANNYMiss. Fohlman, I can assure you that I’m a respected-

BECKYNo! Capital N, capital O, exclamation thingy! Hashtag get me a female doctor or I’m calling my daddy and having him find me a new one!

DANNYOkay, of course. Right away.

Danny and Morgan exit.

HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

MORGANWhere are we going to find a female doctor? Mindy’s our only chick OB.

Danny’s attention is drawn to Tamra who is filing paperwork, listening to MUFFLED RAP MUSIC on her headphones.

She makes her fingers into the shape of a gun and busts a cap into the nearby office plant-

TAMRABuh-blam! Buh-blam!

DANNYI can work with this.

MORGANWhat did that fern ever do to her?

ACT III

INT. DINER - DAY

A classic 1950’s eatery. A BELL rings as Mindy enters, she’s on the phone again-

MINDYPiper, Mindy. Again. Look, I’ve resorted to eating at this diner-place down the road.

(UNDER HER BREATH)If I get salmonella you’re totally paying for my hospital bill.

19.

She takes notice to a SEAT YOURSELF sign, finds a booth, takes a seat-

MINDY (CONT’D)I have to hand it to you, Pipes, for being a well-to-do suburban housewife, you have managed to stock your pantry with not a single food item I am remotely interested in-

She scans over a menu-

MINDY (CONT’D)Oh my God, they have chili cheese fries. I gotta go.

She hangs up, flags down the WAITRESS (60’s). She approaches-

WAITRESSWhat will it be ‘hon?

MINDYYes, I will take one order of your chili cheese fries.

(BEAT)Ooh, and an order of garlic bread.

(BEAT)And I guess you might as well sign me up for one of these Rockin’Banana Splits, but can you just leave the banana out of it?

WAITRESSSo, you just want a sundae?

MINDYNo. Well, I guess. I just want it to be in the big banana split dish.

WAITRESSSo, you want an extra large sundae.

MINDYI guess, if that’s what you must call it.

WAITRESSWhipped cream?

MINDYYes. A lot. Actually can you just bring the whole can?

20.

The Waitress rolls her eyes on her exit.

MOMENTS LATE

Mindy’s food has arrived, the fries, the bread, the sundae. Mindy takes in the beauty that is her feast. She takes a deep breath, and-

MINDYThis. Will be. Magnificent.

She braces herself, pulls her hair into a ponytail and as she leans forward to attack the fries-

MANAgh, what the heck!

Mindy turns to look behind her, but her head is stuck: Mindy has managed to pull the long, luxurious hair of the handsome MAN (30’s) sitting directly behind into her own ponytail.

MINDYOw, what the-

The Man and Mindy finally make eye contact, there heads tethered together-

MINDY (CONT’D)Oh my God, I am so sorry.

She pulls the hair tie from their tangled locks, their both turned around in their seats-

MANDon’t worry about it, I was planning on pulling mine up anyway.

He eye’s Mindy’s feast-

MAN (CONT’D)That’s a lot of food for one gal. Is your boyfriend in the bathroom or something?

MINDYUh, well.

(BEAT)No. No, I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m just really hungry. Hungry and single.

21.

MANWell, Hungry and Single, I’m Sawyer. Pleasure to meet you.

Mindy swoons and Sawyer moves to her booth. He eats one of her fries-

SAWYERI can really appreciate a good chili cheese fry.

MINDY’S POV

Sawyer is in complete SLO-MO eating the fry, his long hair blows in a mysterious breeze, his eyes looking into our very soul.

WAITRESS (O.C.)Ma’am?

He licks some cheese from his finger, pulls his hair into a nice, neat man-bun. Total sex pot.

WAITRESS (O.C.) (CONT’D)Ma’am?

BACK TO REALITY

Mindy, slack-jawed, just watches Sawyer while the waitress hovers beside - she has the can of whipped cream.

WAITRESSMa’am!

She SLAMS the can down on the table and Mindy comes out of her daydream.

WAITRESS (CONT’D)Your extra whipped cream for your extra large sundae.

Mindy’s humiliated, Sawyer just smiles.

INT. SCHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - EXAM ROOM

Becky is waiting on her exam table, her bodyguards just outside the door. Danny enters with Tamra who now wears a lab coat and glasses-

22.

BECKYWhoa, no way Jose! I said no boy doctors!

DANNYMiss. Fohlman, this is-

TAMRAI am Dr. Beyonce Cartwheel and I will be examining you today.

Danny is taken aback-

BECKYBeyonce?

TAMRAYes. There’s more than one of us.

BECKYI had no idea.

DANNYNeither did we.

Tamra begins her exam: she puts her hand to Becky’s forehead-

TAMRAHmm, all right.

She pinches Becky’s cheeks-

TAMRA (CONT’D)Good, good. Open your mouth please.

Becky is confused, Danny’s panicking, and Tamra is examining the inside of the mouth looking for God knows what-

TAMRA (CONT’D)(INTO THE MOUTH)

Hey baby! You down there? It’s Dr. Beyonce Cartwheel! How’s it goin’down there?

She LAUGHS-

TAMRA (CONT’D)I’m just playin’. I know he can’t talk yet.

DANNYDoctor, why don’t your administer the pelvic exam.

23.

TAMRARight. Yes, thank you, Dr. C.

(BEAT; TO BECKY)I’m going to have you lay down now-

BECKYNo! He’s gotta leave!

She’s pointing to Danny-

DANNYAll right, well if you need me, Dr. Cartwheel, I’ll be right outside.

Danny exits into the-

HALLWAY

He marks the trinity and MUMBLES a quick prayer just before walking off.

EXT. SUBURBAN SIDEWALK - DUSK

Mindy and Sawyer walk next to each other, the sun is setting-

SAWYERAnd I guess that’s how I took up woodworking. It’s just so fulfilling, making something with your own two hands.

MINDYWow. So, how long have you lived here?

SAWYERMy whole life. Born and raised. I love it here. It’s quiet, easy. Nothing like the big, busy city.

MINDYRight? The city sucks.

SAWYERHow about you? How long have you lived here?

MINDYUh, how long have I lived here?

She panics, quickly gets pulled back into her dreamy daze-

24.

MINDY (CONT’D)Two years. I’ve lived here for about two years now.

SAWYERAnd to think, we never ran into each other.

He smiles down at Mindy, she’s smitten-

MINDYDo you want to go to my place? I have a hot tub.

(BEAT)I’m sorry, that was presumptuous.

SAWYERHeck yes! I’d love to hot tub with you.

MINDYWell let’s tub!

ACT IV

EXT. PIPER’S HOME - BACK PATIO

A shirtless Sawyer slides into the bubbling jacuzzi, a few wine bottles/glasses are nearby-

SAWYERYou’ve got a really great place here.

MINDY (O.C.)Thanks! So, I just remembered that I gave all of my swimming suits to charity last summer, because I just can’t help helping others, so I had to make do-

Mindy walks out onto the patio, she’s in Piper’s robe, it adorns an embroidered ‘P’-

SAWYERWow.

Mindy strikes a pose-

SAWYER (CONT’D)What does the P stand for?

25.

She takes notice to the small applique-

MINDY(NERVOUSLY LAUGHING)

Uh, you know what? The woman at the store must’ve thought I said Pindy, and not Mindy. God, it’s so hard to get proper monogramming done this day and age, right?

SAWYERPindy?

Mindy drops the robe, exposing her nearly naked body, she’s wearing just her under garments-

MINDYLike I was saying, no swim suit.

INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES

Danny is pacing, frequently checking his watch. Just in front of him, Morgan’s filing papers at the nurses station-

DANNYIt shouldn’t be taking this long.

MORGANCalm down, Dr. C.

DANNYCalm down? Our newest, least experienced nurse in pretending to be a doctor right now. This is a malpractice suit waiting to happen, Morgan! And all because freakin’Mindy does whatever she wants and has no consideration for the people in her life!

MORGANDang, Dr. C, tell me how your really feel.

Danny’s watch BEEPS-

DANNYIt’s been fifteen minutes.

MORGANIt’s no big deal. The patient wanted a female doctor, we gave her a female doctor.

26.

A LOUD SCREAM from the exam room-

DANNYDoes that sound like no big deal?

Danny and Morgan rush toward the commotion-

EXAM ROOM

The boys burst into the room-

DANNYMiss. Fohlman, I am so sorry. We never meant to-

BECKYHarry Styles just favorited our selfie!!!

She let’s out another SQUEAL-

DANNYWhat?

BECKYO.M.G! Here let’s take another!

They do, Becky types out a caption-

BECKY (CONT’D)Kickin’ it with my girl BeyonceCartwheel. Hashtag, there’s more than one.

TAMRAAdd a microphone emoji. Ooh, and the flames cause we hot!

BECKYYeah, we hot!

They SLAP five, Danny’s lets out a SIGH of relief, and Morgan-

MORGANWho’s Harry Styles?

BECKYI’m literally offend that you just asked that.

TAMRADon’t worry about him, he washes his hands with dirty sponges.

27.

BECKYEw.

EXT. PIPER’S HOME - BACK PATIO

Mindy and Sawyer are getting friendly in the hot tub, a few more empty wine bottles decorate the edges-

Mindy’s face is beat red, as is Sawyer’s -- they’re drunk.

MINDYYou know, they say you’re not supposed to sit in a hot tub for more than fifteen minutes. It thins your blood.

SAWYERWell, I think we exceeded that limit about an hour ago.

Mindy laughs, takes Sawyer’s glass from his hand, sets it aside-

MINDYI have a secret for you.

She repositions onto his lap, straddling him-

SAWYEROh yeah?

MINDY(AS SEXY AS POSSIBLE)

Yeah.

They begin going to town, making a make out session look more like some sort of strange mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. A few bottles topple to the ground, a few BEATS of kissing and a CRACKING/HISSING can be heard-

CLOSE ON: A small crack on of the jacuzzi’s walls spews a steady stream of water. The more intense the make out session becomes, the more the crack splits.

Mindy stops kissing long enough to undo her bra clasp, once the bra drops, a BEAT and the wall the two are leaning up against gives way - CRASH.

A tidal wave of lukewarm water, Mindy and Sawyer topple to the ground, beached marine animals on a now moistened patio.

We follow the wave of water straight to four sets of feet-

28.

PIPERWhat the hell!?

Mindy looks up and notices Piper and her family, she quickly covers her naked body with Piper’s sopping wet robe.

CLOSE ON: Piper’s children’s horrified expressions-

MINDYYay, you’re home early!

INT. PIPER’S HOME - FOYER

Sawyer’s fleeing-

MINDYEverything else I said is true, I swear!

SAWYER (O.C.)Manipulative bitch!

She closes the door. Piper and her husband, JERRY (40’s) descend the stairs-

PIPERWell, the kids are asleep-

JERRYYeah, I’m pretty beat too. I better get my sleep considering I have a jacuzzi to fix tomorrow.

MINDYJerry, I am so sorry -- to both of you. I had no idea the hot tub was unusable.

Piper produces a neatly typed out list from a nearby table, Mindy’s name is written on the front-

Piper hands it to Mindy, she reads-

MINDY (CONT’D)“Dear Mindy, thank you again so much for - blah, blah, blah - all the junk food is hidden away in the garage?”

JERRYPipe’s been on me about my blood sugar so she locks it away-

29.

MINDY“Pass code for TV, 1234.” How did I not guess that?

(READING ON)“...And don’t use the jacuzzi, it’s broken. For real though, don’t use it. It will break. Love, Piper.”

(BEAT)Well, crap. My bad, you guys. I guess it’s a good thing you came home early. Who knows, I could’ve burnt the whole place down if I had another day.

She LAUGHS, they don’t-

TAG

EXT. PIPER’S HOME - CURB - NIGHT

Mindy’s waiting by the road, on the phone-

EXT. NEW YORK STREETS - NIGHT

Danny’s walking home, also on the phone-

INTERCUT BETWEEN-

DANNYThe entire jacuzzi?

MINDYTsunami-status.

Danny passes the Dashing Stranger from earlier on the sidewalk, he’s stuffing his face with numerous cupcakes, the Cupcake Castle, Mindy’s Cupcake Castle.

Danny notices, ignores this-

DANNYWell, good. Consider it your karma for leaving us high and dry today.

MINDYJust be thankful your dry at all!

She rings some water from her hair, a set of headlights barrel toward her-

30.

MINDY (CONT’D)I think my ride’s here. I’ll be back in Manhattan faster than you can say-

DANNYBeyonce Cartwheel?

MINDYWhat?

DANNYI’ll explain it to you tomorrow.

MINDYOkay, whatever. See you then.

She hangs up just as the cab pulls up to the house, she tosses her things in the trunk, gets in the back seat-

MINDY (CONT’D)Manhattan proper, please. Faster the better.

The driver turns around, sure enough: DALLAS BENJAMINSON, still sporting that something green on his lip-

MINDY (CONT’D)Dallas, you came back for me! Look, I know we had a rocky start, but I feel confidant in letting you know this now... You have something on your upper lip.

He wipes it away-

CAB DRIVERWell, you’re soaking wet.

MINDYTouché, Dallas. Touché. Now, take me home!

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song carries us out and we

FADE TO BLACK.

31.