the september artefacts part ii

7/29/2019 The September Artefacts Part II

1/28

The September Artefacts Part II:

Raylawn Dreams

By:

Christain Pakozdi


2/28

For my dinosaur, once more. You were the glorious remedy for my heart. I

shant ever forget or loose care for you. And to be quite honest, Im not even

sure this book of poems for how much my heart misses yours.


3/28

I cant remember

The last time I fell

So deeply

For a man.

I would thin my very soul

For him

If he asked it of me.

There is no man I adore more

Than him, my monster,

My silver eyed shadow.

There are abysses that he and I

Would plunder.

I have never loved a man

So decadently.


4/28

I had dreams

of settling down with you

like Id never had. I dreamt of dinners

and dishwashing.

I dreamt

of a life with you.

I had never had that

in my life

ever before.


5/28

I only feel love

For the man

In the aluminium cavern

As he convinces me

He is the victim

And I am the perpetrator

Tough luck

For him

I will be

Cruel and rude

I will mirror

him


6/28

I was his wife

Not physically

There were no

CeremoniesOther than

Two souls

Touched by one anotherWe were inseparable

In another life

It only wrecks my heart to knowWe are separable in this one

His heart is a paragon

Never has a man been so fond of meAs he


7/28

One of my deepest failures

Is not showing you

That I loved youWhen I loved you

Because you are a demi-god

In destitution


8/28

I rememberThe shapes

Of him

He was a stone manWho could soar in my skies

He cared for me

RestlesslyAnd took care

When my body was bad

But when things

Got toughHe bailed

And I collected my heart things

And found a road somewhere

I was walking and walkingFor days

Mourning my loveSomewhere down the line

When I gained my strength back

He found meSomehow

I shouted and screamed

My tyrannies justly

youre being melodramatiche said to me

How dare a man

Gone for monthsSpeak to me this way


9/28

He fills my heart

With gratitude

I follow the rivers of the earth

In searchOf my own source of the nile

He is

The poorest of them all

But Id prefer my man in the trailer

To all the adorned mansions

In this world


10/28

Today my heart hurtsThe most

He was just another lesson learned

But I swearHe belongs to me

And he has

My better daysIn fact those might have been

My best

I still wish

That I was his sweetheartThis book

Is my love letter

To my saint


11/28

He never even sleptIn my bed

And never cared

For my familyId take the long way

To his heart

If I had toHe told me

I didnt do anything wrong

I beg to differ

There has to be some reasonFor this interminable sadness

Pain is my dowry

He is

And always will beMy dearest

Maybe weAre only summer lovers


12/28

Always and foreverMy faded King

If I ever saw you again

Id get on my kneesAnd hug your feet

I weep for you

He made my soul feel invincibleI fed off of his

Worldly strength

He is my breeze

He took care of meAnd he reminds me

Of my father

Going above and beyond

Showing meWhat its like

To be loved


13/28

A saintA monster

You are both

A manWho denies any wrong

He has ever done

His heartCould have never been mine anyways

It was always with

A woman who broke him

I cantCompete with that


14/28

I have vilified youTo me

And all our friends

Because you didnt make me feelLike a woman

In the end


15/28

I am the liquor babeWaitin in the corner

For a bad man

Whose brave enoughTo steal me away

Wholl give me

Something to rememberDesire

Is a brutal engine

It fills me

And leaves me sitting thereWaiting to be unleashed

Waiting to be

Turned out

I need to rideThe animals of the night

So Ill grip myself tonight


16/28

He isA freedom giver

There is no place

Like KetteringNo place at all

One cannot simply

Bathe in cerealAnyplace else

But in the heart

Of peace

And in the midstOf my tragic altitudes

I hear the music of Good Spirits

And it takes me away

From my monsterMy bad bad man


17/28

NothingWas the thanks I got

For kissing the ground

Beneath youAll the things

You didnt care for

Were more importantThan the things you did

I was never much to you

Not that I was satisfied with you anyway

Id love to seeYou beg and plead

Because in the end

You werent even worth my time

So much for you beingAlways on my mind


18/28

I am devouredI want to

Smother you

And let you knowIll never forget you

But you took out your weaponry

And slashed at meI wonder if

Youre fuckin someone new

If so

Then Ill shatter her jawAnd let her know

Who owns you


19/28

Its over for meIm just a desired doll

You left me for this pack of men

Crawling around meSniffing

My vulnerabilities

You fed me to themI am their meat

Dont you remember me

The one who bent over backwards

For youMy broken little man

Its ok

Ill make it good

For these menBecause youre done with me


20/28

I love youBut who the fuck cares

I say your name under my breath

I thought you were the messiahYou might as well have been

The way that I worshipped you

Maybe Ill close my eyesAnd you will disappear

From memory

But for now

You drench over meAnd I cant count

The bottles that are on the floor

This feels

So fucking wrong


21/28

Cleansing myselfOf you

Is a rough go

ApparentlyLoving someone

With every part of you

Is not as removableAs hoped

When you left

You left a warning on me

assembly requiredit reads

I am a puzzle

For the tough

ButTo be dearly honest

Id rather be a disassembled messThan have a man

Attempt to put me together

Because there are no handsLike yours

How dare

You make me believe

Someone could love me


22/28

The worst part

Of this darkness

Is that youre not even tryingTo find me

I might as be

The shot up night babeThat men drive up to

In their secret cars

You never had much reasonTo be upset over me


23/28

Part of me

Still wishes

I was within youIll never forget

That august day

I dared to come see youThat day

I found out

That anything could happenI fell inlove with a star

But after the War of November

The darkness grew in meAnd in between us

And you let it

But I realize

It doesnt matterIf I miss you

Or how muchBecause you wont ever have enough money

For a trip

Or you wont have the braveness it requiresTo come to family dinners

You have no idea

How heartwrenching you made winterFor me


24/28

As winter

Comes to its sorry close

I strip myselfOf what could have been

And cover myself

With dreamsAll over again

I look behind me

And see youMy old dear

My Skyfall dream

And even though

I know you miss meLike I hurt

For you

You are

The toughest personI have known

You could fight a warOn your own

Thats how strong you are

To me


25/28

Just because

You arent with me

AnymoreI will not crumble


26/28

From you

I took aggression

I took paranoiaI took things

That arent stable

And when Im in a roomIll stare someone down

Or turn the music louder than they are talking

Just to show themWhose boss

Thats what you gave me

An unbridled domination

A testosterone levelTo match any man


27/28

I understand if youve found someone new

Because in all honesties

We didnt matter anywaysNot in the end

I still love you

But it does not matterMaybe it never did

Because you are an arctic man

We were always just a shallow grave


28/28

I once was in a basement

With a man who cooked me breakfast

I saw him in summerAnd loved him in fall

He left me

In winterAnd found another woman

Before spring

He moved onBecause thats the only thing he knows

I dreamt of traveling with him

And seeing the stars

In different placesI dreamt of dinners

And movies

And late nights making love

I miss his dog

And how she cuddled with meI wish he knew

That I loved her

But those

Are my Raylawn Dreams

Forever, unattainable

Goodbye

GoodbyeGoodbye

the september artefacts part ii

Documents