the wrangler, edition 4 (may 2010)
DESCRIPTION
The satire newspaper of Brophy College Preparatory in Phoenix, AZ, USA.TRANSCRIPT
By Brendan Fries ‟11
Real . Comf ortab le . New s .
The Wrangler May 2010
Edition Roman Numeral Four
News in Briefs
New tutoring program to
utilize ChatRoulette, ac-
cess to “thousands of dif-
ferent tutors” touted
Handbook amendment
calls for limit on Brophy-
sponsored lapel pins, pro-
ponents cite “too much
bling”
Mr. Johnson calls Eng-
lishGrammar101
“epicurean”
Book checked out from
Information Commons for
“old times‟ sake”
Parking lot manners class
offered to St. Francis par-
ents
Bring-your-own-theme
day scheduled for end of
May
Word association exercise
for “mom” fails to elicit
“prom”
Tecra M4s found in Used
Electronics Recycling
Drive bins
APUSH Exam [censored]
Debate over Brophy‟s longtime lunch line-cutting dilemma
was rekindled with the recent passage of a controversial
new line policy. Administrative Bill 1070, requires Brophy
line regulators to inquire into the line-status of any Bro-
phy student given reasonable suspicion. It also requires
that line regulators enforce the policy to the fullest, thus
preventing weak areas where students take advantage of
the lenient regulators.
Any student unable to provide proof that he is in the line
legally can be given a JUG and forced to take his own
lunch to school, as well as any student harboring friends
illegally. In addition, the policy criminalizes the act of
“impeding the progression of the lunch line,” a common
occurrence when students stop to receive money and or-
ders from friends.
The bill first turned heads when it mentioned “reasonable
suspicion,” which would encourage the faculty prefects to
profile students based on facial expressions, according to a
group that opposes the measure. We‟re planning massive
boycotts of Brophy,” said Heather Evans, a junior at Moun-
tain Ridge High School in Glendale. “Line-cutters every-
where need to stand as one against this injustice!”
Results from a survey conducted during an additional 25-
minute period tacked on to the end of school day show that
70 percent of Brophy students support the bill.
“A lot of people are angry that kids just cruise to the front
of the line illegally without respect for the law,” said
Gregor Penn ‟12, who supports the bill. “What part of
„illegal‟ don‟t they get?”
While many disagree with the act of line-cutting, there is
rampant concern that Jugging the line cutters would not
only decrease profits, but could possibly make the line even
slower due to the focus on cutters instead of regulation.
The Brophy administration pledged to step up the use of
force in dealing with the line-cutting issue until the law
takes effect at the end of the school year, at which time,
analysis of past situations indicate, that nobody will even
care.
Michael’s Food to Become Biodegradable, Fifty Cents More Expensive After receiving much praise from the
Office of Faith and Justice, Michael's
will continue their green spree, this
time affecting their food, not their
drinks. You guessed it, Michael's food
will now become biodegradable, but the
trade off is fifty cents.
When interviewed, Chef David said:
"The biodegradable cups were just us
testing the water to see if there was a
market for 'green products,' and the
answer was a resounding yes!" After
crunching numbers, sales of beverages
have gone up at Michael's nearly 20%,
the root of this rapid growth can be
pinned on the OFJ. Ms. Gallagher alone has been seen in Michael's pur-
chasing soda in the new biodegradable
cups at least five times a day. When
asked about her recent purchases she
responded: "The soda-pop wasn‟t made
in sweatshops so I can buy as much of it
as I want."
OFJ aside, the next target on Michael's
"to-make-eco-friendly" list was the food.
And after months of careful planning
and intensive research, Michael's has
found a way to make their food actually
biodegradable; however, the price will
increase by fifty cents. Michael's Corpo-
rate doubts the price increase will deter
customers, seeing as the price in
chicken tenders has steadily increased
over the last three years and sales re-
main steady.
Word on the street tells a different
story. When asked about the upcoming
change, Brophy student America Fun-
hall '12 said, "It‟s kind of mind-
boggling to think that their food wasn‟t
biodegradable in the past, I mean isn't
that like a law of nature or something?"
Fellow student Bob Böppe '11 ex-
pressed similar concerns, "So you‟re
telling me that for three years I've been
eating two meals a day that aren't pro-
viding me with nutrients that fuel my
brain? That might explain a lot about
our class‟s behavior."
On the bright side, it does appear that
students will not be deterred, let alone
notice, the price increase or the change
in essential composition of the products
sold as food in the Great Hall.
By Jordan Bohannon ‟12
Printed on recycled Roundups
As many of you may have sus-
pected, Mr. John Buchanan is not just the kind but stern musta-
chioed figure that dispenses be-
nevolent justice from the seat of
his golf cart. Although details from
his past are hazy, after painstak-
ing research1, I discovered that Mr.
B had spent time as an “enforcement-advisor” in Haiti
2 and Afghanistan3 . Most Brophy
students are probably aware of the
policy that every faculty and staff
member must teach a class, from
Chef David’s Adventures in Culi-
nary Extortion to Mr. Larry Orr’s
seminar on The Philosophy of Awe-
someness. This policy would seem-
ingly not extend to Mr. B as he “officially” teaches no class, but I
found that not to be the case. In
fact, Mr. B does teach a class, but this class does not appear on any course
catalogue; rather, it is offered to only a se-
lect group of students, and its final grades
do not appear on a transcript, but are tat-
tooed into the student‟s very skin.
I became aware of this class when I was ap-
proached by a student currently taking the
course. Let‟s call him “Rack Megan.” This
student told me he had a hot lead
(journalistic term for exciting story, or an
attractive singer in a band) but in return I
would have to give him something in. It
would cost me far too many Chipotle burri-
tos but I knew it would be worth it. “Rack
Megan” invited me to observe the class for a
week, and I took him up on his offer.
“The class” as it is referred to by those in-the
-know, meets during “study halls” and “free
periods.” The curriculum starts with such
basic skills as: underwater knife fighting,
blindfolded street racing, hostage rescue,
disarming a man armed with a RPG, sniper-
rappelling, and tiger fighting. If a student
has not failed or been maimed by the end of
the quarter, then they move onto the ad-
vanced curriculum of: rescuing people from a
burning building while hacking the Penta-
gon, impersonating an astronaut, punching
someone so hard they thank you for it, em-
bezzling millions of dollars using a TI-83,
and the classic back-flipping
hatchet attack. Mr. B also has monthly tactical exercises where
the “clandestine activities” really
come into play. Although I do not
know the real objectives of these
exercises, I do know the covers or-
ganized to protect them from the
common masses. Every wonder
what was going on in the rest of our
campus when everyone was busy
watching our near-riot, the Invisible
Battle, in the mall? Or the suspi-
cious lockdown due to “law enforce-
ment” activity on Central?
“The class” culminates with a final
exam called Operation Indigo Sword
for which students are required to
recreate the hostile takeover of a
third world country. When asked if
he had anything to say about his
secret class, Mr. B skillfully performed a conversational evasion and responded: “I‟ve
never been to Haiti.” Touché, Mr. B, touché. So if during finals week someone asks you if
you‟ve ever considered deposing Mr. Bopp, or
maybe inquires if you would transfer a
“package” for them, don‟t be worried. Actu-
ally, perhaps you should be worried; I‟m not
entirely sure that the final is only an exer-
cise, and not a real operation.
1 Googling “The Real John Buchanan” 2 Verified. 3 Not verified. 2 Actually not verified either.
Exclusive Editorial: Finals Approach for Mr. B’s “Clandestine Activities” Class
Administrative Bill 107o To Criminalize Illegal Presence in Lunch Line By Jackson Bentley ‟13
Pictured: Mr. B’s “Clandestine Activities” class
Not pictured: your fear
The new food is clearly biodegradable, as evidenced
in this stirring photograph released to the public.
Detained: These students face JUG under the new lunch-line
law, dubbed “America’s toughest.”
Recipient of Presidential
Citation for Outstanding Bravery
“Well, I guess summer is part of life, and lax is
life, so… laxlaxlaxlaxlax.”
- Flowmeister Adrenaline ‟12
“I don‟t have time to gym, tan, and do my laundry,
so I‟ll probably just do my laundry.
- Marco Chorizo ‟10
“Formspring. And maybe, if I get bored, I‟ll watch
„Talladega Nights.‟”
- JT Jackson ‟12
“Gonna camp out for Lady GaGa, then follow her
until she loves me like in that song.”
- Drew Cullen ‟13
“College starts in September, so that gives me 9
months to just unwind in Mission.”
- Tyler Iamdone ‟10
“Hustling and stunting like its one long weekend.”
- Connor Cross ‟13
You Have Turned The Page
Special: I Shouldn’t Be Alive (True Stories From the Lockdown)
A Line of Time in Tribute of the 2009-2010 School Year
By Keith Bender ‟11
Editors Keith Bender ‟11
Henry Wilky ‟11
Photography Editor Michael Notestine ‟11
Moderators Mr. John Damaso ‟97
Mr. Steve Smith ‟96
Conservation Consultants British Petroleum
Interested in contributing? Email: [email protected]
A.M.D.G.
The Wrangler © 2010 Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.
Either Lifetime or Disney (can’t quite re-
member which one) has a series about the
incredible human morale catapulting
individuals through life threatening
situations, situations they shouldn’t have
gotten through alone.
I, Kyle Underseth, shouldn‟t have been
alive on April 19th, 2010.
I walked into my 4th hour English class
thinking all was going as it has so many
days before. I sat down at my desk, made
fun of the kid‟s hair to my left, and then
proceeded to “hard shutdown” my tablet
for the sixth time that day. Very typical.
Discussion started, but minutes later,
had become much too heated for an ado-
lescent such as myself to handle. I raised
my hand and asked for a pardon to use
the water closet. The moment I was out
the door, I realized I had been spared,
but I thought too soon.
After relieving myself, I headed for the
sink. However, moments before I could
wash my hands, a voice came over the
PA. “Faculty and Staff, please pardon the
interruption.” At first, I thought it was
Mitchell, my father, but soon realized the
man speaking to me in the bathroom had
far too soothing of a voice to be my own
dad. It had to be the one and only Dean
of Students.
“There is police activity taking place in
the Central Avenue corridor, which is
causing us to go into a modified lock-
down. We will be locking the outer school
gates until 12:45 p.m. or until further
notice. Classes can continue as planned.”
Despite the fact that we all understood
him the first time, his voice echoed the
same directions over and over again. I
was scared. Without thinking or washing
my hands (don‟t tell my mom), I headed
straight for class. I was not going to get involved with the police again. I had just
been released from juvie two weeks ago. I
scaled the walls of Brophy Hall, avoided
the one, oddly placed security camera
and dodged into class just as my legs
started to feel flaccid and begun to give
out. As far as I could tell, nobody could
tell I had even left the room, not even
Multivac.
By Kyle Underseth „10
A LESSON IN Brophy time
SIGHTED: QUALITY OF LITTER IMPROVING
Many students and members of the community have expressed
confusion about the official “Brophy Time” system used to man-
age school events, such as the Awards Assembly. The Wrangler has been provided with a diagram of the complex time schemat-
ics that were used to run the 2010 Awards Assembly.
AWARDS ASSEMBLY (WITH PLANNED 40 MINUTE EXTENSION)
BREAK
PERIOD 3 (BONUS CLASS
TIME)
Email War! Documenting abuses of the “AllStudents” feature since 2006
“Enjoying the soothing qualities of synthetic turf
and its rejuvenating resemblance in tempera-
ture to a Finnish sauna.”
- Anonymous
“I‟m going to watch 40,000 YouTube rap videos
so I can find the next Tha Joker. Then I‟ll be the
coolest because I‟ll have liked him way before he
was even popular.”
- Justin Bieber ‟11
“A buddy of mine has a friend whose neighbor
has these mad hookups and he can get us into
Big Surf whenever we want. So we‟ll be doing
that.”
- Michael Sellers „12
“I‟m doing summer school before freshmen year
because everyone says that‟s when you can im-
press all the ladies in class, and after school they
all go swimming on the roof!”
- Nolan Naivety „14
WHAT ARE YOUR SUMMER PLANS? The Wrangler asks another deep question,
emphasized by the fact that this line of text is in italics
August: School back by
popular demand, 78%
of students report sig-
nificant hair loss due to
JUG threats
September: Students
riot as diet soda,
healthy drinks fill
vending machines
October: Mr. Ho, SJ
asked to leave casino
night on suspicion of
card-counting
November: Swim
teams wins state ti-
tle, individual win-
ners perform victory
laps with time to
spare
December: “If 100,000
people join this, Mr.
Gaimari will shave
his beard” Facebook
group hailed as suc-
cess
January: Student ex-
cused from school to
conduct long-term sci-
entific experiment on
human hibernation
February: Freshmen
saddened to learn
that high school stu-
dents do not partici-
pate in Valentine‟s
Day tradition of bring-
ing tacky cards, candy
to school
March: School ascends
a summit on human
dignity with help of
native trail guides
April: “Spring
Break Oh-Ten
No Regrets” tat-
too regretted
May: Student acci-
dentally disengages
safety on lightsaber
during one-on-one
combat, limbs lost
The latest confrontation and a sure sign
that the Administrative Alliance is looking
to attack came in the form of a barrage of
subversive emails received during the first
three hours of school on Monday, March
1st. Students who were encouraged to
check their emails during 4th hour were
hit with a steady spray of missives from
administrative figures, including several
high-ranking officials.
The attack, however, was seemingly not
well coordinated and lacked a cohesive
effort from the Admin. Early reports indi-
cated that the confusion was intentional
and designed to cause students to be late
to class, forcing students to serve JUGs.
However, it was observed that the assault
employed a variety of technologies, includ-
ing three messages sent with high impor-
tance and one with an attachment, pre-
sumably containing a complex virus.
Gmail spam filters were only able to stop
two emails, allowing nine to pass freely
into students‟ inboxes.
An observant student snapped this
photo of the continued
“gentrification” of campus litter.
The seniors ultimately decided to move their
cars not because of threats of tow-aways and
police involvement, but because Father
Reese had begun seriously contemplating
holding a live auction of the vehicles on the
spot to raise money for the school.
Photo courtesy of Ms. Stefani