1

A Discussion Guide for Raising

Empathetic Kids and Building Caring Homes, Schools & Communities

UnSelfie By Michele Borba, Ed.D.

Micheleborba.com

by

“This beautifully written, eminently actionable book will inspire parents and their children to take on the complex issues of our 21st century guided by the power of empathy and kindness. This book offers a roadmap to a much brighter future." - Dacher Keltner, Director, Greater Good Science Center “Read this book. It will change your kids' lives!” – Jack Canfield, Chicken Soup for the Soul “Michele Borba has written a game-changing guide showing why nurturing empathy in our children isn't optional -- it's essential.” – Philip Zimbardo, Professor Emeritus of Psychology, Stanford University “Empathy helps us develop true friendships and have a happy life, and Michele Borba’s practical insights and advice are a huge help for parents who want to nurture this essential skill in their children." - Harvey Karp, M.D.,The Happiest Baby on the Block “I have never, ever read a book that combines solid research on a timely and critical subject—the importance of promoting empathy—with so many amazing and creative how-to suggestions that turn this research into action. Unselfie is a must-read!” - Ellen Galinsky, Mind in the Making

2

Educator Discussion Guide for UnSelfie HowtoTeachEmpathyandCreateCaringSchoolsByMicheleBorba,Ed.D.micheleborba.com

eenstodayare40percentlessempatheticthantheywere thirty years ago. Why is a lack of empathy—which goes hand-in-hand with the self-absorption

epidemic (or what I call the Selfie Syndrome)—sodangerous?First, ithurts students’ academicperformanceandleadstobullyingbehaviors.Also,itcorrelateswithmorecheatingandlessresilience.Andoncestudentsgrowup,alack of empathy hampers their ability to collaborate,innovate, and problem-solve—all must-have skills for theglobaleconomy.UnSelfie:WhyEmpatheticKidsSucceed inOur All-About-Me-World, pinpoints the forces causing theEmpathy Crisis and shares a revolutionary, researched-based,nine-stepplanforreversingit.Thisguideisdesignedtohelpeducatorsdiscusshowtoapply thesestrategies tocreate more empathetic students and schools to buildbrighterfuturesforallkidsfrompovertyorprivilege.

HowtoStartandFacilitateanEducatorGroup• AskeachgroupmembertoorderacopyofUnSelfie:Why

EmpatheticKidsSucceedinOurAll-AboutMeWorldbyMicheleBorba(Touchstone,2016,ISBN:978-1501110030fromyourpreferredretailer.(Itisavailableinhardbound,e-bookoraudioformat).

• Determine the specific day, time andplace for your group tomeet.Assign a discussion leader ordecidetorotatetherole.Theydecidehowoftenyouwillmeet(weekly,bi-weekly,monthly).

• Askparticipantstoreadthechapter-to-be-discussedpriortomeeting.Usethequestionsprovidedtofacilitategroupdiscussionorcreateyourown.

• Donotethatpagenumbersinthee-bookformatmaydifferfromthisguidedesignedforhardcopy.

QUESTIONS AND TOPICS FOR YOUR GROUP DISCUSSION INTRODUCTION:TheHiddenAdvantageofEmpathyandWhyItMatters1. WhataboutUnSelfiepeakedyourinterest?Whatdoyouhopetogainfromthesediscussions?2. Howwouldyouanswer:“Whatdostudentsreallyneedtobehappyandsuccessful?”(pagexiii).3. Doyoubelieveempathyisintegraltoourchildren’sfuturesuccesshappinessandwell-being?4. Teenstodayare40percentlessempatheticthanthirtyyearsago.Doesalackofempathytrouble

you?Ifso,why?Haveyouseenachangeinyourstudents’characterandbehaviorthatmightbeasymptomoftheSelfieSyndrome?Areyouconcernedandifso,why?(pagexiv).

5. UnSelfiedescribesseveralfactorsthatarecontributingtotheEmpathyDeficit.Whichculturalfactorsorparentingstylesdoyouthinkareaffectingyourstudents’empathycapacities?

6. Stepintotheshoesofyourstudentsand‘walkthewalls’ofyourschoolandclassrooms:Whatinvisibleandvisiblemessageswouldyouseeaboutyourcurrentschoolculture?Aretheyonesthatwouldnurtureanempathyandhelptograduateagenerationof“Unselfies?”

7. Ifyouweretoaskarandomgroupofstudentstodescribeyourschoolandtheirexperience,whatdo

T

3

youthinktheywouldsay?Howoftendoyouthinktermssuchas,“caring,respectful,cooperating,etc.”wouldcomeupinyourstudents’descriptions?Whataboutyourstafforparents’descriptions?

8. Whatprograms,policiesandprocessesareyouimplementingtohelpproducecaring,committed,successfulstudents?

9. WhichofthenineessentialhabitsthatgivestudentstheEmpathyAdvantageareyouregularlyinstillinginyourstudents?Whichhabitsmightyourschoolbeoverlooking?(pagexix)

10. Howcanweteachempathyhabitssostudentsinternalizethemandnolongerneedreminders?

PART I: DEVELOPINGEMPATHY Chapter 1. Empathetic Children Can Recognize Feelings 1stHabit:Teachingemotionalliteracytohelpstudentsrecognizeandunderstandthefeelingsandneedsofothers• Whatarecommonpitfallstomosteducationalprogramsthatattempttoteachempathy?• Whatstrategiesareyouusingtoenhancestudents’emotionalintelligence?Areyouseeinga

positivechangeinstudents’behavior?Whichstudentsareyoureaching/notreaching?• WhywasMaryGordon’sRootsofEmpathyapproach(page3)successfulinincreasingstudents’

empathy?Howcouldyouapplyherapproachtoyourlessonsorinteractions?• Howcaneducatorsexpandstudents’feelingvocabularies?Howcanyouhelpstudentswho

experiencedtraumaorhavelearningchallengesthatmakeitdifficulttoexpressemotions?• Emotionalliteracyiscitedasakeytounlockingempathyandmotivatingkidstocare.• Whatwayscaneducatorshelptoday’sdigital-drivenstudentsunderstandfeelings?(page8)?• Whatdidyouthinkofthe“Red,Yellow,Green”Circlesthatthemathteacherusedtoboosthis

students’sensitivity?(page20).Whichage-by-agestrategy(page21)wouldyouconsiderusing?

Chapter 2: Empathetic Children Have a “Moral Identity” 2ndHabit:Developinganethicalcodesostudentswilladoptcaringvaluesthatguidetheirintegrityandactivityempathytohelpothers• Howhaveculturalvalueschangedthatmightaffecttoday’sstudents’characterandincreasedtheir

narcissism?(page28).Doyouseeariseinstudents’feelingsofentitlement?Whatisyourtake?• IfthebasisofMoralIdentityisto“depositprosocialimagesinchildren’sidentitybankssotheycan

definethemselvesascaring,responsiblepeoplewhovalueothers’thoughtsandfeelings”(page27),whatwayscaneducatorshelpstudentsseethemselvesascaringhumanbeings?

• Whyisitthat“two-thirdsofadolescentsranktheirownpersonalhappinessasmoreimportantthantheirgoodness?”(page27).HowdoesthataffecttheirMoralIdentity?If“wegenerallybehaveinwaysconsistentwithourself-image”howwouldmostofyourstudentsviewthemselves?Whatcaneducatorsdotohelpthemrecognizeandvaluecaringassetsaboutthemselves?

• Howareyouhelpingstudentslearntofindtheirrespectfulvoice(page42)?Howdoyougaugestudents’perceptionsofyourschool?Whathaveyourstudentstoldyouwouldenhancetheoverallschoolclimateandperceptionsofsafety?Haveyouactedontheirinformation?

• Howwepraisestudentshelpsdefinewhotheyareandthetypeofpeopletheybelievethemselvestobe.Wrongpraisecanbackfireandincreasenarcissism.Howmightyouusethefivescience-backedstrategies(page33)toenhancestudents’MoralIdentities?

• Whatthreewordsdoyouthinkstudentswoulddescribeyourschool?Whatwordsdoyouhopethey’dverbalize?Howcouldyouapplythestepsto“CreatingaCaringFamilyMantra”(page38)toyourschoolorclassroom?Doesyourmissionstatementreflectcaringvalues?Shoulditbechanged?

• Whichempathy-buildinghabitsmightyourstudentsneed(page36)tolearn?Wouldyourstudentsbenefitfromlearningthe“Isthatme?”tests(page43);the“KINDRule”(page44)orREFUSEstrategies(page36)tohelpthemsticktotheirbeliefs?Howwillyouhelptheminternalizethem?

4

• Readersareasked(onpage42):“IfIweretheonlyexamplemychildhadtolearnMoralIdentity,whatdidshelearntoday?”Howdoyouthinkstudentswouldrespond?Whatwayscouldeducatorstuneuptheirdailybehaviortoexemplifycaringandsocialresponsibility?

Chapter 3. Empathetic Children Understand the Needs of Others 3rdHabit:Instillingperspectivetakingsostudentscanstepintoothers’shoestounderstandanother’sfeelings,thoughtsandviews• WereyouintriguedbyJaneElliott’sapproach(page47)toinstillingPerspectiveTakinginher

students?Whywouldherstudentsfindthelessonstillmemorabledecadeslater?Doyouagreewiththestatement(page49)'children’sempathyissparkedbyactiveface-to-faceexperiences-notfromworksheetsorlectures'?Canyourecallateacher’slessonfromyourchildhoodthatignitedyourempathyorhelpedyouunderstandanother’sperspective?Ifso,whywasitmemorable?

• Whichteachingpracticesoractivitiesdoesyourschooloryouofferthatenhanceyourstudents’perspective-takingabilities?Whatstrategiesmightyouconsideradopting?

• Page70states:“It’seasierforchildrentoempathizewithpeopletheyknow,oraresimilarto,sowidenyourchild’sperspectivebyexposinghimtopeopleofdifferentbackgrounds.”Howmighteducatorswidenchildren’sSocialHubssotheyaremorelikelytoempathizewithpeoplewhoare“different”or“notlikethem?”Whatstrategiesareyoualreadyusingtotobroadentheirhorizons?

• Sciencefindsthatdisciplinecanstretchorshrinkchildren’sPerspectiveTakingabilities(pages50-60).Whereonthe‘stretchorshrink’spectrumwouldyousayyourschool’sdisciplinepracticesfall?ManyeducatorsareembracingRestorativeJustice.Isthisapracticeyourstaffmightconsider?

• Whichage-by-agestrategywouldyouconsiderusingoradapting(pages65-70)toexpandyourstudents’PerspectiveTakingabilities?Whatotherstrategiesmightyouconsider?

Chapter 4. Empathetic Children Have A “Moral Imagination” 4thHabit:Instillingamoralimaginationsostudentscanuseliterature,filmsandemotionally-chargedimagedasasourceofinspirationtofeelwithothers• Doyouagree:“Bookscanbeportalstounderstandingotherworldsandotherviewstohelpingour

childrenbemoreopentodifferencesandcultivatenewperspectives.”Wereyousurprisedattheresearchfindings(page78)atYorkUniversity,theUniversityofToronto,WashingtonUniversityandMichiganStateUniversity(page80)?Whichspecificbookstriggeryourchildren’smoralimaginationsandpulltheirheartsandcreateclassroommemories?Isyourschoollibrarystockedwitharangeofemotionally-chargedanddiverseliteratureforstudents?Areteachersawareofthoseselections?

• OnewaytohelpboostMoralImaginationsisposingquestionstohelpstudentsvicariouslystepintosomeoneelse’splace.Whatotherquestionsorstrategiesbeyondthoseonpage80caneducatorsusetohelpstudentsseetheworldfromanotherperspective?

• Aroundtheageofeightiswhenourchildrengenerallystopreadingforenjoyment,andisalsowhenwetypicallystopreadingaloudtothem.Whatareadditionalwayswecancreatepassionatelifelongreaders?(page87)Howcaneducatorsconveythefiveideas(page86-87)thatparentscouldusetoinstillintheirchildrenagreaterenjoymentforreading?Haveyouconsideredintroducingthe“Parent-ChildBookClub”concepttoyourparents?

• Whichage-by-agestrategyintriguedyou(page88-91)?Whatotherapproachescouldbuildchildren’smoralimaginations?

Whatskillsandhabitsdoyourstudents-andstaff-needtodevelopempathyWhatisyourfirststeptogettingstarted?Howwillyouteachthemsoyourstudents“Develop,PracticeandLiveEmpathy?”

5

PART TWO: PRACTICING EMPATHY

Chapter 5. Empathetic Children Can Keep Their Cool 5thHabit:Masteringself-regulationtohelpstudentslearntomanagestrongemotionsandreducepersonaldistresssotheycanhelpothers• Researchsaysthatself-controlisabetterpredictorofadultwealth,health

andhappinessthangradesorIQ?Doyouagree.Ifsowhydoyouthinkthatistrue?• Areyounoticingachangeinstudents’abilitytoregulatetheirself-control?Ifso,whatdoyou

attributetheincrease?Whatportionofyourstudentsusemedicationtomanagetheiremotions?• Whatisyourschooldoingtoteachstudentshabitsofself-regulation?Howareyouconveyingthat

informationtoparentssotheycanreinforceyourefforts?Whichprograms/approaches/skillsthatsupportchildren’sself-regulationmightyoubeoverlooking(forinstance:stress-management,yoga,meditation,mindfulness?)

• Thousandsofeducatorsareaddingmindfulnesspracticestotheirclassroutines(pages106-108).Wouldyouconsideradoptingtheapproach?Whatwouldyouneedtodecideorstart?

• Whichage-by-agestrategy(pages106-116)wouldyouconsiderusingwithyourstudents?Whatotherself-regulationstrategieshaveyourtried?Howwouldyouknowiftheyworked?

Chapter 6. Empathetic Children Practice Kindness 6thHabit:Developingandexercisingcompassiontoincreasestudents’concernaboutthewelfareandfeelingsofothers• WhatdidyouattributethesuccessofMilfordHigh’sStudentsforaMillionActsofKindness(pages

119-122)?Howmightyouadaptthestrategybutonasmallerscaleatyourschool?How?• WhereyousurprisedbythefindingsofHarvard’sMakingCaringCommonsurvey(page124)asto

whichvaluesweremostimportanttoAmericanmiddleandhighschoolstudents?Howarethosefindingsaffectingthecultureatyourschoolandyourstudents’behavior?

• Whataresimplewaysforyourstudentstopracticekindnessanddevelop“caringmindsets”?WereyousurprisedbySonjaLyubomirsky’sfindingsonherrandomactsofkindnessstudieswithstudents?(page127)

• ManyeducatorsuseHaveYouFilledYourBucketToday?byCarolMcCloudtohelpconveytheimportanceofkindness.Whatotherbooksandfilmswouldyousuggest?

• Whichage-by-agestrategieswouldyouconsiderusingtohelpyourstudentspracticeanddevelopkindness(pages129-139)?DoesyourschoolorcommunityhaveKidKindClubs?(page139)

Chapter 7. Empathetic Kids Think “Us” Not “Them” 7thHabit:Cultivatingcollaborationtoactiveempathyandhelpstudentsworkwithotherstoachievesharedgoalsforthebenefitofall• Hasthedeclineofschoolrecessandunstructuredplayaffectedyourstudents’behavior?Ifso,how?

HowdidfeelaboutthePlayworksapproachatAldamaSchool(page141)?• Whatpracticesareyouimplementingtosupportsocial-emotionallearning,empathydevelopment

andstrengthenyourstudents’collaborativeskills(forinstance,cooperativelearning,classmeetings,schoolmeetings,conflictresolution,HistoryDay,Jigsaw,peermentoring)?Isthereacollaborativepracticethatyoumightbeoverlookingthatmightimprovestudents’achievementandempathy?WasMixItUpatLunchDaybyTeachingTolerance(page162)tohelpbreakup“cliques”andexpandstudents’socialhubsapracticethatmightbenefityourstudents?Hint:onewaymanyschoolstrainteachersinanewpracticelikeJigsawistouseitinfacultyroommeetingsuntilthestafffeelscompetenttoapplyitwiththeirstudents.Mightthatbeaconsideration?

• Howhascompetitionaffectedyourstudents’characterdevelopmentandempathy?(page148)• DiscussMuzaferSherif’sfamousRobbersCaveExperimentfindingsespecially:“Akeytoactivating

6

empathyiscreatingtherightsocialdynamicssokidsaredrawnintothesamecircleofconcern,shareanemotionalexperience,andthenlearntocareforeachother(page150).Howdotheyaffectyourstudents?Doyoureducationalpracticesalignwiththosefindingsordotheyneedadjusting?

• Whichstrategieswouldyouconsideradoptingoralreadyusingtobuildyourstudents’collaborativeabilities?Whichskillsmightyourstudentsneedtoincreasetheircollaborativeabilities(forinstance:Takea“STAND”toSolveProblemsCollaboratively9page155)’ClassorSchoolMeetingRules(page154);“RealityCheck”toStopStereotypes(page158);DisagreeingRespectfully(page163);ConversationStarters(page161);DecisionMakersandDealBreakers(page163).

PART THREE - LIVING EMPATHY

Chapter 8. Empathetic Kids Stick Their Necks Out 8thHabit:Promotingmoralcouragetoemboldenkidstospeakout,stepinandhelpothers• Studiesshowthat“whenbystandersstepinonbehalfofbulliedpeers,bullying

stopsmorethan57percentofthetimeandwithin10seconds”(page172).Didthestatisticsurpriseyou?WhichofthereasonsstudentsarebystandersratherthanUpstanders(pages172-175)applymosttoyourstudents?Whatcaneducatorsdotohelpstudentsbemorelikelytostepintohelpanother?

• ErvinStaubfoundthatyoungerstudentsaremorelikelytorespondtoanother’sdistresswhenpaired,whileteensaremoreapttokeeptheirfearstothemselvesandlesslikelytointervene(page178).Whatcouldeducatorsorparentsdotohelpolderchildrenaidandcomfortmore?

• Mobilizingchildren’scouragetobeUpstandersmaybeourbesthopetostoppeercruelty.SevenUpstanderstrategiesfeaturedonDatelinearepresented(page181-182).Howcouldyouteachthesestrategiestoyourstudents?Forinstance,someschoolsshoweachstrategyinstudent-runassemblies;otherschoolshavestudentsteacheachotherthestrategiesinpairs.Otherideas?

• KidsneedauthenticheroestoinspiretheirMoralCourage.Whichheroesthatmightappealtoyourstudentscouldyouintroduce?Howwouldyoumaketheiractionsmeaningfultoyourstudents?

• WhichMoralCouragestretchingstrategieswouldyouconsiderusing(page183to189)withyourstudents?Howmightyouimplementthestrategiesschool-widetomaximizeeffectiveness?

Chapter 9. Empathetic Kids Want to Make a Difference 9thHabit:Cultivatingaltruisticleadershipabilitiestomotivatestudentstomakeadifferenceforothers,nomatterhowsmallitmaybe,andbecomeChangemakers• What are your thoughts about this statement: “Every child has the potential to become a

Changemakerifweprovidetherightexperiencesandprovenstrategies?”Howdowereachstudentswhohavenothadtherightexperiencesandstrategies?

• Doyouagreethatfame-driven“heroes,”amaterialisticworld,andanover-helpingparentingstylecanlimitachild’sempathicgiftsandaltruisticpotential?(pages195-198).Whatotherfactorscanshortchangeachild’saltruisticurges?

• Howareyouengagingyourstudentsin“makingadifference”orfindingawaytodoserviceandgiveback?WhatotherwayscouldyouhelpyourstudentsseethemselvesasChangemakers?Whatresourcesorexperiencesareinyourlocalcommunitythatyourschoolmaybenotutilizing?

• Doyoubelievethatempathyissomethingkidsarebornwithoratraitthatcanbedeveloped?HowcouldthatanswerhaveasurprisingimpactonwhetherchildrenbecomeChangemakers?(page201).Whatarewaysthateducatorscanhelptheirstudentsdevelopempatheticmind-sets?

• WhichstrategiesandskillswouldyouconsiderusingtoincreasethelikelihoodthatyourstudentswillseethemselvesasChangemakersordevelopaltruisticleadershipskills?(pages201-207).

7

Ways to Give Children the Empathy Advantage 7CreativeUnSelfieIdeastoElevateKid’sEmpathyUnSelfie:WhyEmpatheticKidsSucceedinOurAll-About-MeWorld

byMicheleBorba,Ed.D.micheleborba.com

Therearecountlesswaystocultivateempathy,butthemosteffectivearealwaysreal,meaningful,andmatchkids’needs.HerearesomeofthemostcreativewaysfromUnSelfie:WhyEmpatheticKidsSucceed inOurAll-About-MeWorld.Didanyinspireyoutoimplementoradapt?WhatareotherideasyoucouldimplementtogivekidstheEmpathyAdvantage?1. Be Friendly.Asimpleoverlookedwayto increaseempathy isbymakingthe

culturefriendlier.Momsstartedakindnessclub.AmiddleschoolhasastudentclubcalledFriendlyGreeters.Myteachergreeteduswithan“HandH”-ahugorahandshake(pg216).Howcouldyouincreasethe“friendlyeffect”inyourschoolorcommunity?

2. Break Down Barriers.Wearemorelikelytoempathizewithpeopleinourimmediatecirclesorcareaboutthose“likeus.”Howcanyouexpandyourstudents’familiaritycirclestothose“notlikethem”toopenthepathtoempathyandbreakdownbarriers?Amongstthemostcreativeideas:SkateistaninAfghanistanwhereyouthuseskateboardingasahooktopairgirlsandboys,SeedsofPeacepairingkidsfromwar-tornareastocoexist.(pg.217).Whatwayscanyourschool-breakdownbarriers?

3. Give Kids a Voice.Empathyisdrivenbyface-to-faceconnectionandit’swhywemustkeeptheart

ofconversationalive.EmpathywaneswithoutMoralCourageandMoralIdentity.TheSeraMonasteryinTibetholdsdailydebatestohelpyoungmonkspractice“voice”andhearothers’ideasandfeelings.SeedsofPeaceholdsdailydialoguesessionstohelpteensgraspeachother’sperspectives.KIPPPublicCharterSchoolsteaches“SLANT”(Situp,Listen,Askquestions,NodandTrackthespeaker)tohelpkidslearncommunication.Class,SchoolorFamilyMeetingsareotherideas.(pg219)Howcanyouhelpyourstudentspracticeface-to-facecommunicationtounderstandothers’viewsandfeelings?

4. Play Chess and Unplugged Games.The cognitive part of empathy is the ability to understand

another’sthoughtsandfeelings-tostepintotheirshoes.Armeniamakeschesscompulsoryforeverystudentoversixyearsofageasameansofboostingchildren’scharacter,leadershipandperspectivetaking.(pg219).Theatre,cardgames,role-playing,dressupareotherways.Whatareyourthoughts?

5. Create Parent Support Networks.Aparentisachild’smostimportantempathyinfluencer.Howdo

youhelpparentsrecognizetheimportanceofempathyandsupporteachotherinthoseefforts?Whatarewaysschoolscanencourageparentstoexploreandexpandtheirempathyinfluence?Ideas:• Ashoka encourages parents to form “Parenting Changemakers” communities to discuss and

developways tohelp their childrenmasterempathyhabits (pg220). Several topics to initiateparentgroupdiscussionsareprovidedonpg220.Whatothertopicscouldyouaddtothelist?

• SchoolsencourageparentstoformMonthlyBookClubswhereparentsreadBornforLove,RootsofEmpathyorUnSelfieandapplythatinformationtoparentingstylesis(pg221).

• Empathy playdates are eventswhere parentsmeetweeklywith their young children at eachother’shomestofocusondifferentempathyhabits(pg221).

6. Build Caring Relationships.Empathyopenswhenchildrenare inenvironmentswhere they feel

safe,acceptedandheard.Warmrelationshipsaretheincubatorofempathy.Socialtiesarestrongest

8

(called“TheVillageEffect”)incommunitieswherethereisanaverageof150people.Whatwayscanyoubuildcaringcommunitiesforchildreninyourschool.Forinstance:providecommunity-buildingactivitieslikeclassmeetingsorteambuilding,useicebreakerstohelpkidsgettoknoweachother,tryMix-It-Up lunches, Rachel’s Challenges, cooperative learning or jigsaw to work with differentclassmates.Aretherewaysthatlocalyouthgroups,clubsororganizationsmightsupportyourefforts?

7. Don’t Give Up On a Child.Theseedsofempathyareplantedinrelationships,butsometimesthoseinteractionscanbestrainedorshutdown.Themotherwhorefusedtogiveuponhersonandleftcaringnotesonhispillowwasoneideatokeepempathyopen(pg225).Whatarewayseducators,parents,coachesoranycaringadultcanconvey“I’mhere. Icare. I’mnotgivingup”tokidsgoingthroughtoughtimes?

Discussing Ways to Build UnSelfie Cultures • Whatwouldtheideallearningculturelooklike?Howwouldempathyfitin?• Howwouldyouandyourstaffdefinea“compassionate,empathetic,Unselfie

learningculture?”• Whatwouldanempathic,caringschoolcommunitylookandsoundlike?What

wouldthemissionstatementsay?• Howdostaff,students,andvisitorsfeelnow?Ifavisitorwalkedaroundtheschool,

whatwouldtheyseeorhear?Howwouldtheyfeel?• Howwouldsuchaschoolcultureimpactourstudents,parents,staffandcommunityatlarge?• Howwouldsuchaculturebesimilarordifferentfromyourexistingschool?Whatpractices,policies,

andprocedureswouldremain?Whichwouldneedchangingoreliminating?Whichwouldbetheeasiestandmostdifficultchangestocreateamoreempatheticculture?

• Whatbehaviorswouldthestudents(andstaff)displayinanempathiclearningculture?Howwouldmembersofthecommunitybetreated?Whatwouldyouseeandhearasyouwalkedyourwalls?

• Whatnewempathyhabits,skillsorbehaviorswouldneedtobetaughttoyourstudents?• Whichtypeofdisciplinepracticeswouldbeinplacetonurtureempathy?Teachingpractices?• Whichcommunityresourcescouldsupportyourefforts?• Whatknowledgeorskillswouldthestaffneedtosucceedandcreatesuchalearningcommunity?• Whatistheoneempathy-buildingideayouwouldliketolearnaboutorusewithyourstudents?• Whatwouldyourfirststeptoteachingempathyandbuildingamorecreating,empathetic,UnSelfie-

likeculture?Whatisyourhope?• Whatdoyouneed?Whenwillyoubegin?Whowillhelp?Whatdoesyourendgoallookandfeel?• HowwouldyouknowyouhavesucceededincreatinganUnselfieSchoolbasedonempathy?

MICHELE BORBA, Ed.D., is an internationally renowned educational psychologist and an expert inparenting,bullying,andcharacterdevelopment.She isanaward-winningauthorof22books includingUnselfie:WhyEmpatheticKidsSucceedinOurAll-About-MeWorldtranslatedinto14languages.Oneoftheforemostauthoritiesonchildhooddevelopmentinthecountry,sheisaregularNBCcontributorwhoappearsregularlyonTodayandhasbeenfeaturedasanexpertonDateline,TheView,Dr.Phil,NBCNightlyNews,Fox&Friends,Dr.Oz,andTheEarlyShow,amongmanyothers.ShelivesinPalmSprings,California,withherhusband,andsheisthemotherofthreegrownsons.

TocontactDr.MicheleBorbaborbam@aol.comwww.micheleborba.com

9

9 Habits That Build Empathy UnSelfieTipsforParentsandEducatorsbyDr.MicheleBorbamicheleborba.com

Unselfie:WhyEmpatheticKidsSucceedinOurAll-AboutMeWorldbyMicheleBorbaTouchstone2016.

mpathyisseeingtheeyesofanother, listeningwiththeearsofanotherandfeelingwiththeheartofanother.”Empathygivesyouthanadvantageforhealthandwealth, relationships, longer life, the jobmarket, criticalthinking, and real happiness. It also fuels passion, promote kindness,

ignitesmoralcourage,andisanantidoteforbullying,racism.Aboveall,itistherootsforajust,peaceful,compassionatefamily,school,communityandsocietyandmakeskidsbetterpeople.Thegoodnewsisthatadultscancultivatestudents’empathyandtherearemanywaystodoso.Bestideasarealwaysmeaningfulinwhichchildrenwitnessorexperienceempathy.HereareideasfromUnSelfie:WhyEmpatheticKidsSucceedinOurAll-About-MeWorld.Markonesthatmightinspireyourchildren’shearts.

Empathy Habit 1. Emotional Literacy £ RootsofEmpathybyMaryGordonpg3-6£ EmotionCoachingpg14-16£ TeachAssertiveBodyLanguagepg17£ HowDoYouFeelCards?pg23£ SLAT:SitSquare,Lean,Acknowledge,Tuneinpg61£ Red,Yellow,GreenLightSensitivitypg20£ FeelingVocabularies:Facts&FeelingsLogpg21Empathy Habit 2. Moral Identity £ Sullenberger:HighestDutypg25-26£ Praisetobuildempatheticmindsets:pg34-36£ REFUSESkillforPeerPressurepg.36-37£ IdentifyCoreBelief:Lincoln’sVirtues;pg37-38£ CreateClassMantraspg38-40£ ConscienceTestspg43£ KINDRule:Kind,inspire,necessary,definitepg44Empathy Habit 3. Perspective Taking £ JaneElliott“AClassDivided”Experimentpg47-50£ RolePlaytheOtherSidepg50£ UseImpactStatementspg57£ PaperShoeTestforRomeoandJuliet£ ClassorFamilyDebatespg42,218£ CAREDisciplinepg58£ Theatre,Propspg65,69£ Ask,“Iwonder”pg66£ Feels+NeedsFormulapg67£ Imagineeringpg65£ StepIntoTheirShoespg68,69£ WidenSocialHubpg70£ ChesstoPredictOpponent’sMovepg219£ RolePlaying&ReverseSidespg66

£ ThinkSheetsforDisciplinepg66£ StepIntotheChild’sShoes(Duke)pg71£ HistoryDaywithImmersion

Empathy Habit 4. Moral Imagination £ Emotionally-ChargedLiteraryFictionpg73-783£ PaperShoeTest:Romeo&Julietpg82-83£ “Whatif?”Howwouldyoufeel?”pg84£ BooksClubspg91Empathy Habit 5. Self-Regulation £ RestorativeJusticepg95-98£ CalmDownCornersforSelfManagementpg99£ TheCoddlingoftheAmericanMind:Atlantic£ ABCStressMgmt:Aware,Breathe,Calmpg211£ “JustBreathe”-Mindfulnesspg102-107£ QuietTimeatOaklandSchoolspg106-107£ TeachSelfRegulationpg108-115£ ShareGoodNewsReportsforCompassionFatigueEmpathy Habit 6. Practicing Kindness £ MilfordHigh:SMAKpg119-121£ BigBuddy-LittleBuddiespg125£ FriendshipAmbassadorspg215-216£ TwoKindRulepg132£ KindnessChallenges&Ritualspg134-136£ KindnessJars,Boxes&Wallspg136-137£ BucketFilling&TrackingKindnesspg138Empathy Habit 7. Collaboration £ Playworks:ThinkUsNotThempg141-145£ JigsawClassroom:EliotAaronsonpg151-152£ Family,ClassorSchoolMeetingspg152-155

E9 EMPATHY HABITS 1.EmotionalLiteracy2.MoralIdentity3.PerspectiveTaking4.MoralImagination5.Self-Regulation6.PracticingKindness7.Collaboration8.MoralCourage9.AltruisticLeadership

10

£ TakeaSTAND:Stop,TellProblem,Alternatives,Narrow,Decidepg155

£ BroadenHorizons&SocialHugpg157£ MixItUpLunchespg162£ ChallengeDays;Rachel’sChallengepg224£ CooperativeGames&Activitiespg163£ TeachDecisionMakers&DealBreakerspg163£ HowtoDisagreeRespectfullypg163Empathy Habit 8. Moral Courage £ Dateline:PerilsofParentingpg169£ CAP:BullyingDefinitionpg173£ HelpingKidsFindTheirInnerHeropg179£ How to STANDUP forOthers: Seek Support; Tell;

Assist;NegatewithPositiveView;DesignDetour;UseDistraction;Pause&Rethinkpg181-182

£ NavySEALsStrategiestoBoostCouragepg183£ PinkShirtDaypg185

£ UseYourHeart:Help;Empathize;Assist;Reassure;TellyourFeelingspg187

£ Dispelthe“SupermanMyth”pg187£ S.O.S.Smarts:Safety,AssessOptions,Sense

Detectorpg188Empathy Habit 9. Altruistic Leadership £ StartwithOne:TrevorFerrellpg191£ StoriesofKidHeroestoShare:MarleyDias,Kevin

Curwick,YashGupta,RachelWheeler,DylanSiegel,BuddyBench,CraigKielburgerpg193-195,206

£ CultivateaChangemakingMindsetpg201£ FACE to Show You Care: Feelings; Analyze; Care;

Emphasizepg203-204£ HelpingKidsBecomeChangemakerspg205-206£ UseGoodNewsReportspg208,210£ StartwithOne:“Rokia”;PaulSlovicpg208£ StretchBoundaries,pg211

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION 1. Whatskillswillourchildrenneedtosucceedintheglobal

economywhenjobsoftomorrowdon’texisttoday?2. Which of the nine habits of empathy are you already

nurturing?Whichhabitsmightyoubeoverlooking?3. What should parents and educators bedoing to prepare

kidsforaworldofrapidchange?Areourkidsready?4. Howdoyouandotheradultshelpchildrendevelophealthy

relationships with peers, especially when face-to-facecontactisbreakingdownandtheInternetismeaner?

5. What ways can we broaden our children’s views aboutthoseofdifferentbackgroundsandcelebratediversity?

6. How do we cultivate empathy in a culture whose onlymetricsofsuccessareachievementandperformance?

7. Howdowehelpchildrenunderstandracismandinjusticehappeninginourworld?

8. Whattypesofmeaningfulserviceprojectscanweofferourkids?Howcanweensurethatthoseprojectsaremeaningfulandimpactchildren’sempathyanddevelopcaringmindsets?

9. Whattypeofdisciplinedowemostcommonlyuse?Doessciencesayitimpactsempathy?10. Howcanwebetterexemplifycaringandsocialresponsibility?Whatqualitieswouldkidssay

wedepict?Howwouldourkidsranktheimportanceofcaring?AreourmessageshinderingorhelpingchildrendevelopstrongMoralIdentities?

11. Howdowecreateempathyinthoseteachableadult-childmoments?12. HowoftendoItypicallydiscuss,acknowledge,oremphasizecaringvalueswithmychildren?13. HowcanIhelpmychildrenseethemselvesascaringandwanttomakeadifference?14. Whatistheoneskill,habitorstrategyI’dliketotrywithmychildrenorstudents?15. Whatcanourcommunitydotoproducemoreempatheticchildren?Howcanwecoordinate

ourresourcestocreateEmpathyTribesorcreateastronger“EmpathyVillage”forourkids?