you are the money someone could be saving with geico

8/9/2019 You Are the Money Someone Could Be Saving With Geico

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You are the money someone could be saving with Geico (CYOA)

By assaultedmuffin

Some poor sap has been throwing away his money with some other car insurance

company. If he was smart, he could be spending you right now. You are a rather

impressive wad of cash, with fantastic eye vision. Your mission is to make sure heknows what he's missing out on.

What do you do?

A) Appear on his desk and stare at him at work.

B) Appear in his window and stare at him while he's doing his wife.

C) Appear at a restaurant and stare at him while he's eating.

D) Appear scattered all over his windshield while he's driving.

B) Appear in his window and stare at him while he's doing his wife.

Luckily, every wad of money has the ability to teleport to any location that may be

benefitial to converting the potential customer to Geico's services. You wait until

nightfall, and teleport right outside his window. When you peer inside, you see that

this man and his wife are engaged in some feisty above-the-covers sex. It looks like

she is doing all the work. He is laying horizontal on the bed, and she is riding him like

there's no tomorrow. Her beautiful breasts bounce playfully.

Unfortunately, whenever you teleport somewhere, loud technic music plays from

seemingly out of nowhere. The couple immediately stop what they are doing and stare

at you. The wife desperately tries to cover herself up, while the man runs over to the

window and closes the curtain.

What do you do?

A) Teleport inside.

B) Wait until morning, and appear in his shower.

C) Try to find a more discrete way of teleporting.

D) Appear in the wife's cleavage.

D) Appear in the wife's cleavage.

Those breasts...They are locked into your brain forever. You know you shouldn't let

personal feelings get in the way of professionalism, but...

Tell me who's watchingI always feel like-

"AAAAAAHHH!!" the wife screams and throws you to the floor. You land on the

soft carpet with a deep sadness. Those breasts just felt so firm, and velvety. They were

perfect, and felt so against your paper skin. However, now you've ruined everything.

She'll never want to be with you now, since you were too aggressive in the pursuit of

her heart. She runs naked from the room, and you watch that fine ass leave.


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Suddenly, the husband is standing over you, looking angry. What do you do?

A) Tell me who's watching, I always feel like somebody's watchin' me...

B) Teleport into the hallway to stare at the wife.

C) Sit there and see what happens.

D) Scream at him.

D) Scream at him.

You figure it's time to start facing your problems head on. No more teleporting or

running away, but you don't know how to reach this guy. You're an inanimate object,

there's no means of communication. Unless...

Through the sheer force of will, some bills halfway down your stack begin to part,

and a mouth begins to form. The man begins to reach down to grab you when your

mouth becomes fully developed, however, you haven't mastered speech yet. You

scream, "FIDGE JABORGEN MEECH GREEOP!!!"The man jumps up instantly and screams in terror. "Oh my God! What are you?!"

That's easy. You're the money he could be saving with Geico. Just tell him that.

"GOOLA PLAPSKY BALLS!" Hey, you said balls. Your first word.

The man screams again and begins stomping on you.

What do you do?

A) Teleport away.

B) Lie there in agony.

C) Try to talk about Geico.

D) Reach out with a few of your bills and papercut his ankles.

D) Reach out with a few of your bills and papercut his ankles.

He has left you no other option, you must attack. Your razor sharp blades of currency

shall cut him to pieces. You must find the sharpest and firmest bills for maximum

damage. With each stomp you rule out some bills for being too floppy. Finally, you

have two bills that are perfect. One slides out the left side of the stack, and the other

slides out the right. When his foot comes down you slice at his ankles.

"Ow!" The man sits down on his bed and check his ankle. "How did I get thesepapercuts?" He looks down at you. "How did you do this to me?! What are you doing

here?!"

"GABOOGABAGG DRAMSTEIN!"

"I'm gonna go find some matches! Let's see how tough you are when you're on fire!"

What do you do?

A) Teleport to the matches first.

B) Dip the end of your extended bills in glue, effectively giving you hands.

C) Comfort his wife. She's probably very distraught.

D) Flee.


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A) Teleport to the matches first.

Matches? That won't end well for you. Better get to those matches before he can. You

quickly teleport to the matches, excreting more techno as you do so. The man isn't in

the room yet, so all there is to do is wait. You look around. You're in the kitchen.

You hear the man rumbling down the hall. "Son of a *****....****ing money wad!"

he strolls into the kitchen and spots you on the counter. "No! NOOOOO! Absolutely

not! What do you want from me?!"

Switch your damn car insurance coverage to Geico. "SAD GRUBBLES HERR

DIGNIB!"

"What are you saying?! I don't understand you!"

You flap your money arms up and down.

"AAAAAAHHH!!!" He runs back to the bedroom.

What do you do?

A) Meet him there.

B) Flap your money arms faster and see if you can achieve flight.

C) Play with the matches.

D) See what's in the fridge.

B) Flap your money arms faster and see if you can achieve flight.

You come to the realization that if you could achieve flight, you would be the ultimate

weapon in persuasion. A flying, teleporting stack of money with eyes. You flap your

money arms faster, trying to achieve what every cartoon character in history could

not. Finally, you feel yourself being lifted off the countertop. At first you're just

hovering, but as you find a good pattern to your flapping, you fly higher and higher.

You fly around the room.

At that moment, the man returns from his bedroom with a revolver, pointed right at

you. What do you do?

A) Charge him, screeching like a hawk.

B) Dodge his bullets with your amazing flight abilties.

C) Teleport behind him and give the back of his neck a nasty papercut.

D) Refine your skills and return tomorrow.

C) Teleport behind him and give the back of his neck a nasty papercut.

He's got a gun. He could shoot a hole right through your bills. **** just got serious.

Forget car insurance for the time being, now you're fighting for your existence.

He has his finger on the trigger and begins to aim. At that moment, you teleport to

directly behind his head, reach out with one of your bills, and slice the back of his

neck. It's a nice cut- possibly a milliter deep, which is impressive for a stack of

money.

The man yells in surprise and pain, "Ah!" He turns around. "What are you doing here?


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What do you want?"

"GRANADAB!!"

"Okay! Okay! Look! I'm putting down the gun. Let's talk this out as gentlemen." He

places the gun on the counter and walks away from it. "Now, what is it that brings you

here?"

What do you do?

A) Tell him you're here to reduce his car insurance rates.

B) Teleport to the gun.

C) Teleport out of his house. Leave this mother ****er scared.

D) Tell him you're here because of your boiling desire for flesh.

B) Teleport to the gun.

The man awaits your response. You hover for a moment, just long enough to put the

man on edge. He can't take the silence. "Well, what? What is it you want from me?""SKWAH!" You immediately teleport over to the counter, next to the gun, and the

techno music restarts.

Tell me who's watchin'

The man slowly turns to see you on the counter.

Tell me who's watchin'

"NO! I trusted you!"

"Wey ouoo shoun't have." Hey, your speech is getting better. That almost sounds like,

"Well you shouldn't have."

The man runs back into his bedroom, desperately trying to escape your wrath.

What do you do?

A) Follow him to the bedroom with the gun.

B) Take his wife hostage.

C) Figure out how to fire this damn thing.

D) Put a potato in his exhaust pipe.

B) Take his wife hostage.

E) Teleport into his wife's cleavage and play with them.

This guy is scared ****less. Time to go back to his sexy naked wife. You teleport into

the bathroom where she is sitting on the side of the bathtub with her head in her

hands. She looks up at you when she hears the techno music begin. "AH!", she

screams and falls into the tub. "What? What do you want?", she yells through her

tears.

"Hostage," you reply.

"Hostage? I'm a hostage now?! Please don't kill me! I'll do anything."

You never had any intentions of killing this beautiful maiden, but you might as welluse it to your advantage. She puts her hands together and extends her arms, pleading


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"TAAAAAKE OOOOOON MEEEEE

TAAAAAAAKE MEEEEEE OOOOON

IIIIIII'LL BEEEEEE GOOOOOONE

IN A DAY ORTWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"Good God what the hell is that horrible noise?!"

"TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE OOOOOOOON MEEEEEEE"

"What the hell are you doing?!", the man screams as he bursts into the room.

"TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE MEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOON"

"WHY IS THE SHOWER RUNNING?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH

YOU?!"

"IIIIII'LL BEEEEEEEE GOOOOOOONE, IN A DAY OR

TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" The man turns off the shower.

What do you do?

A) "Thanks man."

B) "TAAAAAAAKE OOOOOON MEEEE"

C) "Tell me who's watching..."

D) Lunge at him.

B) "TAAAAAAAKE OOOOOON MEEEE"

You've stopped singing after the man turns off the shower. He looks down into the

shower at you. "There. I've turned the water off, you're free. Will you please leave me

and my wife alone now?"

You stare at him silently for a few moments, then curl your mouth into a little smirk.

"No," he says.

You keep grinning.

"Do not." He puts his hand on the shower knob.

You keep staring at him.

"I mean it."

You open your mouth.

"I'm warning you."

You take in a deep breath.

"I am not kidding around. This is not a game.""TAAAAAAAA- WHURLGAFLURBAH!!!!" Your mouth fills with water and soon

your words become incoherent as the man leaves the bathroom. You don't care. It was

a game, and you won. However, you're once again pinned to the bottom of the

shower.

What do you do?

A) Keep whurlgaflurbahing.

B) Teleport into their bedroom and sing.

C) Teleport into the bedroom and the man why he didn't use the gun that was sitting

on the counter.D) Experiment with bathroom supplies


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B) Teleport into their bedroom and sing.

Trapped under the jets of water again, and you don't think anyone is coming to your

rescue now matter how much you sing. You'll have to teleport this time, but this

doesn't mean you have to stop singing. This time, we're going to a different 80s song

however. Luckily, you can change the music you emit to match the rhythm of yourlyrics.

You appear on the bureau across from the bed, and notice the wife is wearing a

bathrobe. This upsets you, but allows you to sing with more passion. You take a

breath in and the show begins.

"ON THE FLOOR OF TOKYOOR DOWN IN LONDON TOWN TO GO, GO

WITH THE RECORD SELECTION

WITH THE MIRROR SELECTION

I'MMA DANCING WITH MYSELF"

"How are you doing this?!" the man screams.

You flap your arms and hover in the air while the music booms all around you.

"Why won't you leave us alone?"

What do you do?

A) Tell them about Geico's great savings.

B) Fire nickels out of your eyeballs.

C) Sing them the second verse.

D) Dance with yourself.

A) Tell them about Geico's great savings.

You abruptly cut the music and stare at the two of the filthy individuals with

overpriced car insurance. Don't they know about Geico's great savings?

Oh. You haven't done that yet. Whoops. Unfortunately, you're a horrible salesman.

"Did you know that you could dramatically reduce your car insurance rates by

switching to Geico?"

The man looks around the room. "...Wha-? Is that what this was about?""Fifteen minutes is all you need to save money on your car insurance."

"So now you're invading our homes? You big insurance corporations fail, take our

money, then invade our homes and torture us."

"Geico is not failing. We are strong and stable." You give the man a thumbs up.

"...What?!"

"Save mad dough on your deductible, yo."

"You people make me sick. I have half a mind to sue Geico for this."

"Why sue Geico, when you can save money on your car insurance?"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Are you listening to the savings?"

"Get out of my house. I'm not switching to Geico anytime soon.""Well, fine then. Once I'm gone, look outside at your car."


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You quickly teleport into the bathroom, grab the gun, then teleport onto the hood of

the man's car. You wait for him to appear in the window. "Ha! You like this?" You

wrap one paper finger around the trigger and open fire on his windshield. "I guess you

don't care about your car enough to insure it with high-quality coverage!"

"You crazy son of a *****!""Oh no, sir! That's where you're wrong! I am not a son of a *****! I am the very

spawn of hell sent to Earth with all necessary weapons to bring you down!

Mwahahahaha!"

What do you do?

A) Continue firing on the car.

B) Turn your fire onto the man.

C) Teleport back to Hell to receive further instructions.

D) I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN...

B) Turn your fire onto the man.D) I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN...

We're moving through time now, going from the 80's to the 90's. And what better

song to shoot people to than "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba?

We'll be singing...

When we're winning...

We'll be singing...

You slowly begin to move the gun towards the man. A small grin finds its way to

your papery face.

I GET KNOCKED DOWNBUT I GET UP AGAIN

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWNI GET KNOCKED DOWN

BUT I GET UP AGAIN

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN

You fire five bullets, aiming right for the man's head. If he's out of the picture, maybeyou and his wife could shack up together. You can see it now, the two of you just

sitting around and-

Pissing the night away...

Pissing the night away...

The first bullet just missed him. The second window shattered the window as he tried

to close it. The third bullet was far off. He ducked under the windowsill for the last

two. You fly over to the window and see that he's crawled away, heading for the

kitchen. Apparently the stress of this night has finally gotten to him. He's sitting at the

kitchen table, and you watch him as-


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He drinks a whiskey drinkHe drinks a vodka drink

He drinks a lager drinkHe drinks a cider drink

Damn. This guy can throw 'em back. You watch him as he begins to get woozy. Whenhe tries to stand, he is full-blown wasted. In a sheepish, drunken state, he reverts back

to childhood as-

He sings the songs that remind him of the good times

He sings the songs that remind him of the better times

He has a horrible voice. He begins heading back to the bedroom. He's not going to

behave that way in front of his wife, is he? Not on your watch. You begin to fly after

him with the gun, full of rage.

I GET KNOCKED DOWNBUT I GET UP AGAINYOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN

I GET KNOCKED DOWN

BUT I GET UP AGAINYOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN

You take a shot, but your accuracy is awful while flying. Once he realizes that you're

still here, he turns around and throws a bottle of alcohol at you. He hits you square is

the face and you drop the gun. The gun hits the ground immediately, but you, being

made of paper, are slowly gliding through the air, finally touching down softly. The

man continues into his room and shuts the door.

What do you do?

A) You got knocked down. Now get up again.

B) Try some alcohol, just to see what the appeal of it is.

C) Continue destroying his car.

D) Try to see if he has a motorcycle, RV, or a boat. Those probably aren't ensured

with Geico either.

B) Try some alcohol, just to see what the appeal of it is.D) Try to see if he has a motorcycle, RV, or a boat. Those probably aren't ensured

with Geico either.

Ugh. You feel yourself for tears or rips then think about what to do next. That man

was cowarding slab of terror when before he started drinking those mysterious

liquids. After a few sips of the strange beverages, he was able to stand up to you and

fling bottles across hallways with tremendous accuracy. It was so accurate, it was like

he wasn't even aware of what he was doing. You suddenly know what those liquids

do. They give you superhuman abilities.

You decide to fly over to the table where three bottles still are uncapped. One islabelled, "VODKA". Huh. Vodka. It flows right off your papery tongue. You like the


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sound of the word. This drink is probably smooth and relaxing, like a bubble bath.

You tip over the bottle, so the vodka begins running in a stream toward the edge of

the table. You fly to the floor and hold your mouth open over the vodka. Some goes

into your mouth and you swallow...GOOD GOD. This isn't a bubble bath at all. This

is a dip into the boiling magma in the depths of Hell! The vodka, literally goes right

through you, seeping from in between your bills. You become very soggy, and soonyour vision is impaired. You feel very light-headed, and your newfound ability of

speech begins to fade away. "Shiggida...flaboosk...". **** these drinks. They're not

working right.

You come to a startling realization. The man probably knew you would try to drink

the liquids, and poisoned them before he went to his room. That bastard! Well, if

you're going down now, then you're going down in the line of duty. You must see if

he has either a motorcycle, RV, or boat, and destroy those as well. You flap your bills

and begin to fly off, but the liquid has evem affected your flight. You begin to curve

off to the right, and you can't control it. Luckily, you land softly on the couch. Fine.

They can take your ability to fly and talk, but they can never take your God-givenability to teleport. You try to yell, "To the garage!", but you actually say, "Mooth

jibblies!" You teleport.

Apparently, you missed your target by a little bit. You're not in the garage, but instead

you find yourself in a mailbox downtown. ****ing vodka.

What do you do?

A) Try teleporting again.

B) Wait for the mailman to come the next morning.

C) Try to find any mail addressed to the couple you've been stalking.

D) Take the vodka's advice. Mooth jibblies.

D) Take the vodka's advice. Mooth jibblies.

Perhaps the only way to escape the wrath of the vodka is to succumb to it's requests.

Its not a logical theory, but its the only one you've got. It's time to mooth jibblies.

Mooth some mother ****ing jibblies.

The only problem is, you don't know what jibblies are, or how to go about moothing

them. If the vodka gave you these instructions, perhaps the vodka can interpret them.You clear your mind and let the vodka take over. You are listening, trying to hear

what the alcohol is trying to say. You can sense its going to be something intelligent.

Suddenly, you get a prodding at the edge of your consciousness. You open the gates

your brain has erected, and await the vodka's message on how to mooth jibblies. After

a long silence, you four words come from the presence.

"The CAT is BEEEEEEEEEEEF!"

It was so simple. How could you not have thought of it? Obviously, the proper course

to mooth jibblies would be to find a cat, kill it, and then skin it to make it ready for

cooking. Cat beef. You teleport out of the mailbox, and into the home of the couple'snext door neighbor. It's late at night, so everyone is asleep, even the cat on the couch.


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You begin to flap your way over there when something inside doesn't feel right. You

make a quick landing, and pennies begin to come flying out of your mouth and onto

the floor. This vodka has made you vomit pennies. You put of your bills on the

sleeping cat and then teleport to 60 feet above the street. The cat falls to the ground

with a sickening smack and dies instantly. Unfortunately, you don't know how to go

about skinning the cat. Your certainly don't trust yourself with a knife in your drunkenstate.

What do you do?

A) Nail the cat to the couple's front door.

B) See if the vodka has a suggestion.

C) Screw it, grab a knife anyway. You're not really moothing jibblies if you don't

finish the job.

D) Devour the cat.

C) Screw it, grab a knife anyway. You're not really moothing jibblies if you don'tfinish the job.

**** it, time to get serious. You always do things half-assed. Maybe that's why that

couple isn't switching to Geico, because you're not trying hard enough. Well, it's time

to start doing the work 250%, starting with this cat.

You teleport back into the neighbor's house and search the kitchen for a knife. You

find a nice steak knife that should do the job. You're about to teleport out of the house

when you realize that your former self would have chosen this steak knife. That was

Old Wad of Money. You're New Wad of Money, and you do things 250%. You grab

the largest cleaver in the knife drawer and teleport back to the cat.

You try to be very careful because you still don't have very good motor skills due to

your drunkeness. You place the cleaver carefully at the top of the neck. Then you

think to yourself, "What am I doing? This careful **** ain't me. I'm a new wad of

money, and I do things MOTHER ****ING 250%!" You swing the cleaver wildly

and hack that mother ****er to pieces. After you stop flailing your weapon, you take

a look at the bloody mess that remains. It's perfect. The cat is beef. The jibblies are

moothed.

What do you do?

A) Drink 250% more vodka and search for more instructions.

B) Return to torturing the couple, but with 250% more effort.

C) Return 250% of the cat to the owners.

D) Give the cleaver back with 250% more force.

C) Return 250% of the cat to the owners.

B) Return to torturing the couple, but with 250% more effort.

The jibblies have been moothed, so you suppose its time to return to work with more

passion than you can muster. You're about to muster hot, fiery passion all over thisfamily. You're about to leave when you look down at the cat lying in the street. You


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should probably return the cat to its owners, but you do things all out now, so you

come to the conclusion that you have to return 250% of this cat to its owners.

You teleport back into their house, turning your techno down low so no one wakes up,

and grab a scale, a wooden spoon, and a pot. Once outside, you drag the garden hose

over the where the cat and your supplies are. First things first, you put the bloodydead cat into the pot. You stir it up with the wooden spoon. You put the pot on the

scale, and get the weight. You then turn on the garden hose and fill the pot with water

until it's 250% of the initial weight. Finally, you stir the mixture to get a nice, smooth

watery dead cat consistency. You grab the pot, with 250% of the family's cat in it, and

teleport back into their house. You leave the pot on the counter when you realize that

you've done things half-ass again. A true champion doesn't just leave the pot on the

counter.

You teleport into the owner's bedroom, blaring your techno music at maximum

volume while screaming at the top of your lungs. The owners immediately wake up

and begin screaming in terror. You pour the pot all over the people, while stillscreaming. The owners vomit from the horrible stench. It's a screaming, bloody,

vomit-filled, techno mess.

The neighbors taken care of, you turn your attention back to the uninsured fools. You

want to turn up the heat, but you're not quite sure how to.

What do you do?

A) Flood their house with pudding.

B) Detach a tree branch and shove it through the television.

C) Teleport a team of lumberjacks to their living room and alert them there are

pancakes hidden in the house.

D) Set an ostrich on fire in their bedroom.

D) Set an ostrich on fire in their bedroom.

A) Flood their house with pudding.

"Alright. Time to get these ****ers to switch to Geico." First, you need a dash of

creepy ambiguity to start off. You teleport into the bedroom playing a soft, organ

melody. The wife screams and points at you, which awakes the husband, who was in a

drunken sleep."IT'S BACK! IT'S BACK AGAIN!"

"Of course I'm back. I have a job to do. Will you switch to Geico or not?"

The husband sits up and points one of his sausage fingers at you. "I will never switch

to Geico!"

"It just takes fifteen minutes."

He reaches back to throw another bottle at you. You look him in the eyes and tell him,

"Very well, but you've just sealed your fate."

You teleport to the African plains, grab an ostrich, then teleport to a gas station. You

pour gasoline all over the ostrich, who tries to escape into the street. "No! Bad bird!"

Quickly, you teleport into the couple's kitchen to grab a matchbook, where the ostrichknocks over a spice rack and kicks a blender across the room. "What was that?!" you


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hear the wife yell from the bedroom. With the matches in one hand, and the other

resting on the ostrich, you teleport into the bedroom, this time blasting speed metal at

full volume.

"AHA! IT SEEMS YOU HAVE UNDERESTIMATED THE AWESOME

POWER THAT GEICO HAS AT ITS DISPOSAL!!!"

The ostrich begins to panic and runs around the room, knocking over dressers,smashing a mirror with its beak. The couple begins screaming.

"HA HA! LET'S SEE IF YOU SPIT GREAT SAVINGS AND FRIENDLY

CUSTOMER SERVICE BACK IN MY FACE AGAIN AFTER I SET A

MOTHER ****ING OSTRICH ON FIRE, RIGHT IN YOUR ****ING

BEDROOM! HA HA!"

You strike a match and throw it on the gassy ostrich, where it ignites instantly and

squawks a high-pitched squeal and sprints in circles around the room, including

running on top of the bed, where the couple tries to escape the flames.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"YES! YOU'LL TAKE WHAT YOU RIGHTFULLY DESERVE! NEXT TIME

THINK TWICE BEFORE TURNING YOUR BACK ON MONEY THATCOULD BE IN YOUR POCKET! BECAUSE THAT MONEY COULD BE

YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE! WORSE THAN AN ARMY OF DEMONS

SENT BY THE MIGHTY LUCIFER TO DEVOUR FLESH AND BONE OF

MORTALS!!"

The ostrich smacks its head off the wall and falls down in the corner, unconscious and

still flaming.

The chaos has gone on long enough. Time to put out the flames. You teleport to the

SnackPack factory, and sit in a large vat of pudding. You teleport yourself and the

contents of the vat into the couple's bedroom, smothering the flames and ending the

destruction. You look at the wife, who is unconscious and very badly burned. Her

once beautiful bodice is now a blackened, charred figure. The husband seems to be in

a less severe condition, and is hanging on to consciousness by a thin thread.

What do you do?

A) Slap him to get him to come around.

B) Finish him, 250% style.

C) Give him some coupons so he can pay the minimum amount for his first 6 months

with Geico.

D) Teleport them to a hospital and try to save them.

A) Slap him to get him to come around.

C) Give him some coupons so he can pay the minimum amount for his first 6 monthswith Geico.

B) Finish him, 250% style.

You look around at what you've done. You're pleased. You fly over to the mirror and

smile at yourself. A little self-affirmation is good for everybody. But enough of this

confidence building, its time to make a sale! You fly over to the man and sit on his

face. You slap him with your wings, but your wings are paper, so it doesn't do any

major structural damage to his face like you hoped it would. He is still conscious, butnot quite aware of his surroundings. "Hey!" You flap on his face some more. "Come


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on, buddy. I got bargains to tell you about."

He makes no response.

You frown. You hold one of his eyes open and poke him with a finger.

"Ah ****!" Wh- What the hell...?"

"So you're finally awake, huh?"

"What the hell are you doing?""I'll ask the questions here!" You flap one of your bills across his face.

"Did- Did you just stroke me?"

"No. No- it was supposed to be..."

"Were you trying to slap me?"

You flap him again. "I said shut up!"

"You never said to shut up. That was the first time you did."

You poke him in the eye again.

"Ah! Stop that!"

Time to go back into salesman form. You fly above him and say, "The economy these

days, right?"

"What-...?" He looks to the side and sees his wife. "Ah! No...No! Marcia! Marcia areyou alright?!"

"Gotta try to save money any way you can, am I right?"

The man reaches out and embraces Marcia while sobbing.

"Now don't let this get around, but I can do something special for you, because you

seem like a nice guy. I'm going to let you pay the minimum amount for your first six

months, while maintaining top quality coverage. Eh? What do you say?"

The man is now sobbing loudly. "Marcia! Why?! Why is this happening?!"

You sigh, feeling the frustration rise in your bills. "Alright, this isn't working out."

You fly on top of the man and push downward. You're going to drown this son of a

***** in pudding. Unfortunately, you're making no progress forcing his head down

into his thick delicious demise.

"Are you trying to drown me now? When are you going to learn your limitations?

You weigh less than a pound."

"I DON'T HAVE ANY LIMITATIONS!" you yell as you stroke his face again.

The man gives you a strange glance.

"I'll be right back."

You teleport to an apartment in the city where a man is eating cereal on his couch,

watching TV. But this isn't an ordinary man, it's a caveman. He spots you. "Oh, hey

Money Stack."

"You need to come with me.""Why?"

"Because there is a man encased in pudding who just told me that he didn't know that

cavemen still existed."

"Bring me to him."

You grab the caveman by the arm and teleport him to the bedroom.

"Aw, gross! There's pudding everywhere."

"I told you that. Now this man needs to drown in it."

The man looks up at the caveman. "You have to help me. I think my wife is dead, and

I'm being tortured by that flying stack of money."

The caveman turns to you. "Did you do this to them?"

"What? No! I was just walking by and came upon this disaster, and when I tried tohelp he started running his mouth about how cavemen probably caused all this, and


15/23

the crippled state of our economy as well. He said something like 'I wish they were

dead' or 'I will kill them all myself'. Something along those lines."

The caveman fills with rage and grabs the man by the neck. "Why you misinformed,

ignorant, judgmental bastard!" The caveman shoves his head under the pudding.

"I'll just eat it all!"

"Impossible! Suffication is eminent!"The man's head is held under for a long enough time until you and the caveman are

sure he's dead.

Just in case, you put another flaming ostrich in the room, then teleport back to the

caveman's apartment. What do you do?

A) Go to headquarters to receive another assignment.

B) Turn your attention to rival car insurance companies.

C) Attack the caveman. You shall be the only Geico mascot.

D) Terrorize the town.

C) Attack the caveman. You shall be the only Geico mascot.

You sit on the caveman's couch and watch TV with him for awhile. He offers you

some cereal. You look him in the eyes and say, "Well you're just ****ing hilarious."

He laughs at his own cleverness and turns his attention back to the television.

The TV show he's watching is just god awful. "**** this ****, give me the remote."

"Hell no! This is that show 'Cavemen' that was on ABC. I feel it really focuses on our

struggles as a race."

"Well it's ****ing terrible."

"It's a ground-breaking phenomenon."

"So incredibly ground-breaking that it was cancelled after five episodes."

He throws his cereal bowl across the room and looks angrily at you. "You better shut

up before I use you for a bonfire!"

A small grin sneaks onto your face. "Now you're just behaving like a Neanderthal."

The caveman lets out a roar of anger and tries to make a grab at you. You quickly

teleport into the kitchen to think of a way to exterminate the cavemen. Maybe drown

him in Jell-O? Set an emu on fire in his apartment? Dammit! How come the only

thing you can think of is flaming birds and murderous dessert? 250% money stacks

don't repeat tricks. There's a knife on the counter next to you. You grab it and try to

think of something to do with it. By now, the caveman has caught on to your locationbecause of you're ****ing techno music, and barrels into the kitchen.

You let out a blood-curdling yell and charge at the caveman with the knife. He is

running straight towards you, not breaking his stride.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" you scream at the caveman and quickly teleport

into his stomach with the knife. You slash away at his stomach and quickly are cutting

up his intestines, still screaming, but now the caveman is screaming with you in

agony. You cut up his liver and his kidneys, chop off his lungs, and finally stab him in

the heart. You teleport out of him, covered in blood with the caveman motionless on

the floor, still screaming, and throw the knife down on the ground. "YOU MESS

WITH ME, YOU BE A DEAD MOTHER****ER! I'M THE TRUE GEICOMASCOT!"


16/23

You've eliminated a caveman, but there's another mascot you have to go through. The

Geico Gecko- your boss. What do you do?

A) Report to the Gecko for your next assignment.

B) Try to kill the Gecko.C) Kill the rest of the cavemen.

D) If the cavemen can have their own show, so should you. Try to create a show

called, "Money Stacks".

C) Kill the rest of the cavemen.D) If the cavemen can have their own show, so should you. Try to create a show

called, "Money Stacks".A) Report to the Gecko for your next assignment.

B) Try to kill the Gecko.

That's only one caveman down, the rest are still out there. Fortunately, there are onlyabout twenty in existence. You kill the rest in creative and disturbing ways. You

covered one caveman in BBQ sauce and put an angry bear in the room. You

decapitate one by tying piano wire very tightly through the middle of his apartment

then challenging to a footrace from the couch to the kitchen. You hung out with one

caveman, then drew a picture of yourself with another caveman, so the first caveman

killed the other in a jealous rage. For another, you sprayed cologne in his eyes and

made him choke on his own hand. You put a diamond in the middle of the floor and

then made snakes crawl into one's rectum. You rearranged the keys on one's keyboard

then fed him explosive cupcakes.

The less the killings made sense, the more hardcore you felt they were.

Finally, you're standing over the last dead caveman, whom you gave a goldfish as a

present, then ripped off his leg and beat him to death with it. You've decided to call

the goldfish Bubbles. You recall the brutal murders you've been performing over the

night, and think aloud, "Pfft...What a weak species. And to think they got their own

television show. ****, I should get my own television show." You stop breathing for

a moment due to the brilliance of your own brilliant thoughts. You begin writing a

brilliant script for the new brilliant hit comedy that you'll call "Money Stacks." You

grab a pen and write for hours. Once you're done, you need to get some actors, and

what better actors than your friends.

Soon you have the five stars of the show- Yen, Peso, Ruble, Pound, and yourself.

Pound is excited about the new show. "I'm excited about this new show."

Peso suggests a read-through of the script.

"Great idea!" you exclaim. "A read-through it is."

You're sitting on the couch when Pound comes in your apartment (the dead caveman's

apartment that you've cleaned up). Pound asks, "Good sir, my fellow, perchance

explaining my arrival that you unexpectedly perchance exclaimed?" Pound looks at

the script strangely and says, "Ok, I don't really understand what I'm saying here."

You roll your eyes. "You're asking why I called you to my apartment.""Then why didn't you just say that?"


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"Because, you wouldn't say it like that."

Pound is confused. "You do realize British people don't really talk like that, right?"

"Whatever, whatever. Let's just keep going with the script."

Ruble enters. "Outside cold. Thankful for hospitality. However, request reason."

Ruble looks at the script the same way Pound did. "Why am I only using half thewords I should be."

"This is my ****ing show! You'll read it like I want it to be read!"

"Fine, fine. It's just constructive criticism."

Peso enters. "Hey guys, what's going on? I had-...I'm not saying this."

"What? What is the problem?"

"What you wrote here is extremely racist and makes me uncomfortable."

"Well, just read it now, and if it really makes you uncomfortable, we'll change it

later," you lie.

Peso sighs. "Okay...I had to teleport over three fences to get here."

"Perchance your knickes were besmidgeoned upon the percholitude of the metallicborder perchance? Awfully dreadful ruse perchance it be." It's clear that Pound has no

idea what he just read. Ignorant fool. He should known his own culture.

Yen enters. "BYYAAAAAAHHH! ME LEAVE RESTAURANT AND AM ARE

SUUUUUUPAAAAHH ANGRY!!!" Yen throws puts the script down on the table.

"No God damn way. This is such a ****ing racist show idea."

"You guys have no clue how long that it took me to write that thing!" you yell.

Yen flips through the pages. "I wonder he makes a joke about how I can't teleport

well....Ah. Page 17."

Peso asks, "How come on Page 12 it says that I can't read? Are you insinuating that

Mexicans can't read?"

You groan. "Of course not! I just meant they can't read English!"

"Alright I quit."

The other agree.

"Ah ****. Now I gotta go back to my other job then."

Ruble laughs. "You still working for that Gecko?"

"Look, I don't want to, I have to. I got a plan though."

"What kind of plan?" Peso asks.

"I'm going to kill him, and become the head of the company. I've already killed all the

cavemen."

Yen looks around nervously. "You're not planning on killing us, are you?""Nah. I'd never kill you guys on purpose. You are welcome to help me off the Gecko

though."

"Yeah, let's off the Gecko," Pound says.

"Off him good," Ruble agrees.

"Alright, I'll report in and get my next target, so he thinks I'm still loyal, then I'll come

back to you guys and we'll plot."

You teleport to the Geico headquarters into the Gecko's office. The Gecko looks up

and sees you. "Hey, how did things go with that guy with the hot wife?" he asks.

What do you do?


18/23

A) "I killed him a little."

B) "Fine, sir. How are you?"

C) "I'm going to kill you."

D) Break into another Britiish pop song.

A) "I killed him a little."

You don't answer right away. You don't exactly know what to say to the Gecko,

seeing as you are not supposed to kill the people you're trying to recruit. It says so in

the handbook. However, the Gecko also seems to know when you're lying, and you've

already stalled long enough.

The Gecko raises an eyebrow and gives you a penetrating glance. "You wouldn't

consider lying to me, would you?"

You can't handle his penetration. "I killed him a little."

"What do you mean you killed him a little? Is he dead?"

"Yes.""So did you kill him or not?"

"I killed...his wife."

"What?"

"But I didn't kill him!"

"Then how did he die?"

"A caveman drowned him in pudding."

"And why did he do that?"

"Because I told him to."

"Ah..."

There is a silence for awhile. Honestly, it's making you rather uncomfortable. You

decide you have to break the silence. "...Zippity shaggin'."

"What?"

"Nothing, sir."

"I'd like to speak with the caveman who killed the potential client. Bring him to me,

please."

"I can't".

"Why?"

"I killed him. A lot."

"And why did you do that?"

"Ah..." You shrug.

The Gecko looks down at his desk. "Alright, well this certainly doesn't look good foryou."

"Am I fired?"

"Probably."

"Give me one more chance. In fact, give me your toughest assignment. I want to

prove my worth."

"I will not. In fact, if people think that the Money Stacks are murderous, then I think

we're going to go back to the Cavemen ad campaign."

"You can't do that."

"Oh, yes I can."

"No, I mean that's physically impossible."

The Gecko sighs. "...Why?""I killed all of them."


19/23

The Gecko looks very concerned now. Another silence occurs.

You stay silent for awhile, but get uncomfortable again and say, "Excuse me, I must

be going," then teleport back to the caveman's apartment. You look at all the others.

"He's onto us."

What do you do?

A) Get a few guns and teleport into his office again, firing madly.

B) Panic, and try to get back on the Gecko's good side.

C) This is stressful. Find some more liquor.

D) Try to infiltrate the company while wearing a disguise.

C) This is stressful. Find some more liquor.

D) Try to infiltrate the company while wearing a disguise.

"What did you do?" Yen asks."Well, I told him that I killed that guy and his wife and that I killed all the cavemen.

He got it out of me, I'm sorry!"

The others look stunned. Ruble asks, "How many people have you killed today?"

"I lost count when it got into the twenties."

"Jesus..."

"Yeah, and I think he caught on to my true intentions when he found everything else

out."

"I...More than twenty people?" Peso asks.

"Hey, let's stay focused on the mission at hand! Let's not make this about how many

people I've killed!"

"No, I think we should!" Pound shouts. "I don't know if I want to work with someone

who has killed so many innocent people! You're practically a terrorist!"

"What? You guys were gonna help me kill the Gecko!" you respond.

"Nuh-uh! We were going to hold him for ransom and make some huge cash out of it!"

"I highly doubt that! You guys are as sick and twisted as me!" You're yelling now.

"**** this, I'm outta here." Peso teleports out of the room. Ruble follows suit, then

Yen after him. Pound looks you in the eyes. "I'm sorry, old chum, but I can't trust

you." He leaves.

Now your friends have abandoned you, the Gecko is suspicious of you, you're

practically out of a job, and you have no idea what to do. This endeavor is taking itstoll on you. You have to relieve some stress somehow. You check the caveman's

liquor cabinet. He has a brand new bottle of scotch, which you dive into. You've had

almost half the bottle and you're just gone. You try to fly over to the couch, but fall

out of the air and land on the carpet. "Aaaah ***** those guys. Stupid....Piss-o, and

stupid Ruben, and....and those other guys are stupid too. This is...their fault! I'M

AAAAAALLLLLLL ALOOOOOOOOOOONE!!! Well **** 'em. I can take down

the Gecko by meself! I just need...supah sneaky demises!"

You go to a costume store and grab a fake moustache and a top hat for your super

sneaky disguises. You then teleport back to Geico HQ, but this time in the main

lobby. If you teleport right back to the office, he'd know it was you again. You flapyour way over to the receptionist. "Hey...baby! I bet I..." You forgot what you were


20/23

going to say. "I bet I can...do some...Who the **** are you?"

How the **** did you get here? Where the hell are you? This chick in front of you

has a nice rack, though. You look at the sign behind her and remember what you were

doing. "Oh! G-Geico! More like....Gayco!" You turn around look at the other people

in the lobby. "Am I right?! Ha!""Jesus, this money stack reeks of booze!"

"Oh yeah? Well you reek of...potatoes and khaki pants, Missy!"

The receptionist picks up the phone and presses a few numbers. "Hello, security? I

have a drunk stack of dollar bills in the lobby that needs to be removed."

"Hey! I'm-I'm not drunk! If I was drunk, could I do this?" You planned on throwing

and pencil in the air, doing a backflip, then catching it again, but instead you reached

over for a pencil and fell on the receptionist's keyboard. "Wh-Whoa."

Security is coming soon. What do you do?

A) Prove your soberiety.B) Teleport into the receptionist's cleavage.

C) Find a new disguise and come back.

D) Build a fort out of office supplies and hold off security.

B) Teleport into the receptionist's cleavage.

D) Build a fort out of office supplies and hold off security.

You're lying upside down on the keyboard, the room spinning around you. Actually,

they seem to be spinning around those wonderful, perky breasts of the receptionist.

They might even be better than the hot wife's boobs. You decide to see for yourself.

You focus on her breasts. You focus hard. You have a habit of ending up in horrible

places when teleporting drunk. You give it a shot...and land in your destination! The

receptionist screams and jumps out of her chair. Good vibrations move through your

body and she bounces behind the desk. She finally grabs you, and as the wife did,

throws you to the ground. She runs off.

Hot Wife's were better.

Now that the matter is settled, you can move onto how you'll defend yourself from

security. You grab a bunch of pencils and tape them together tightly. You do this

three more times, to form your walls. You then tape the walls together. You bring astapler and a ball of rubber bands into your fort, weapons to use against intruders.

Now you need a roof. You tape two pads of Post-it Notes together and staple them on

top of the pencils. You then teleport yourself and your weapons into the fort. Just let

those security guards try and fight you.

What do you do?

A) Wait for security to come.

B) Save the stapler and rubber bands for the Gecko. Put explosives in your fort

instead.

C) Get impatient and teleport your fort to wherever security happens to be at the time.D) Paint your fort with white-out.


21/23

D) Paint your fort with white-out.C) Get impatient and teleport your fort to wherever security happens to be at the

time.

Are these security guards ever going to come? You're beginning to think they've

forgotten about you. You might as well continue working on your fort while you waitfor them to arrive. A threatening message painted on the side of it would look great.

You grab some white-out from the receptionist's desk and go to work. You really

want to scare the guards, so you decide to write, "I WILL KILL YOU WITH A

****ING HATCHET!" around the walls of your fort. Unfortunately, you run out of

room before you can finish writing your threatening message, so it reads, "I WILL

KILL YOU WITH A ****ING HAT". You've never heard of a death caused by a hat.

Hats are not inherently a dangerous item of clothing. However, you wouldn't be doing

things 250% by killing security guards with weapons that have been used before.

Your excitement is rising now. You can't wait to kill these mother ****ers with a hat.

You decide to teleport yourself to wherever the security guards are. You know theyare in the building, but you don't know where. You lock onto the image of what a

Geico security guard would look like and see if you can scan for that image in the

building. You finally see someone matching your scan and teleport without thinking.

You've teleported your fort and weapons into the Gecko's office. Apparently the

Gecko was aware of your plot to assassinate him, and put extra security personnel in

his office. That explains why no one came to the lobby.

The Gecko is screaming. "There he is! Shoot him! SHOOT HIM!"

One security shrugs and says, "We don't carry guns, sir."

"What?! What do you mean you don't carry guns?"

"What do you think we are? Real cops?"

The other security guard catches sight of your message. "...A ****ing hat? He's going

to kill us with a hat, sir."

It's at this point you remember that you don't actually have a hat to kill these men

with. You begin to get stressed out and try to think of places where you could get a

deadly hat. You're pacing back and forth frantically in your fort when something falls

over your eyes. It's your tophat! You forgot you were still in disguise. You push your

fort off of your body and fire a rubber band at the first security guard. It hits him in

the forehead. "Ow! Stop that!"

The second security guard looks at you, terrified. "SWEET MOMMA LOOK ATTHAT HAT!"

The Gecko screams in terror.

What do you do?

A) Charge...with the hat,

B) Throw the hat at the men.

C) Fire more rubber bands at them.

D) Use the stapler.

A) Charge...with the hat.


22/23

The Gecko and the guards are frozen with fear. They are all staring at you, mouths

hanging open. You take off your hat and clasp it tightly with your fingers. It all comes

down to this. If paper could sweat, you like to think you would be right now. The first

guard looks to the Gecko and yells, "He's about to strike, what do we do?!"

"I...I've got it! Cover me while I get to the closet!"

The Gecko jumps down from his chair and the guards form a wall in front of him,

then quickly shuffle from side to side while the Gecko runs behind them. What's in

that closet? You charge at the guards holding your hat. "SKWAH!" you screech as

you glide through the air.

"He's charging, sir! He's charging right at us!"

"Does he still have the hat?"

"Yes!"

"Good God! Just get me to that closet!"

The guards keep shuffling, and the Gecko is sprinting at a snail's pace across the

room. You're within striking distance now. You smack one of the guards with the hat.

"GAH!" he yells in anguish and pain. He tries to slap you, but misses. The secondguard is keeping a very close eye on you, in case you try the same on him. The Gecko

is getting closer to the closet, time to get serious. You fly above the first security

guard, since he is weakened, and drop the hat on his face. "AH! WHAT-?" He begins

franctically moving around, trying to figure out what has happened. "I think he

slashed my eyes with the hat! I...I can't...breathe!"

The second security guard yells to his friend. "Take the hat off your face! Dammit!

Don't do this to me! We can make it! We gotta pull through, buddy!"

The first guard begins backing up towards the open window, trying to escape your

dastardly hat.

"Look out! Frank! Look where you're going!"

Frank stops in his tracks and stays perfectly still, then after a long pause declares, "I

can't look where I'm going. The money stack slashed out my eyes." And with that,

Frank takes one last step backwards, and topples out the window.

"NOOOOOOO!" his partner yells. He starts towards the window, but the Gecko calls,

"No! Come back! He's gone! Frank's gone! There's nothing we can do!"

The security guard points at the Gecko. "I didn't sign up for this, you bastard!"

"Don't walk out on me now, Bill! We're so close!"

"You go to Hell!" Bill spits in the Gecko's general direrction, and runs out the door.

Now it's just you and the Gecko. You catch eachother's eye. There is a moment of

peace, but then the Gecko quickly turns around and resumes his sprint for the closet.You fly after him, he's within a couple feet when you're almost close enough to touch

him, but Frank took your hat to the grave with him. Suddenly, the Gecko turns around

and blows a stream of air at you, sending you flying backwards. You forgot what

powerful lungs the Gecko had. The Gecko runs into the closet and sprints towards the

back of it. You fly into the closet after him. He reaches the back wall and presses a

red blinking button. A small square of the wall slides back, revealing a lever. "What's

the lever for?" you yell. "What are you doing?"

"Ending this!" The Gecko pulls the lever.

You expect to burst into flames or disappear or something, but nothing happens.

"What did you do?"

"Look outside."You fly out of the closet and over to the window. You see a big ball of flame in the


23/23

sky. "What is that?"

"That's the satellite located directly over Geico HQ that allows all stacks of money to

teleport. Even though all over stacks can no longer teleport, I think it was best for the

company. And I'm about to call the police. Even if you kill me, you won't escape."

"You son of a-"

At that moment, the door is kicked in and a rush of bullets fly into the room. You grab

the Gecko and pull his under the desk to avoid the gunfire. Just before you go under

the desk you catch a glimpse of the attacker. It is Bill, holding a machine gun in the

doorway. He begins shooting at the desk, but the bullets just lodge in the wood. He

begins yelling, "Why should the fate of this company be decided by an animal and a

stack of paper! This is our world, and we don't need you freaks here!"

"Bill!" you yell. "Why are you doing this?"

"I want control of the company! I'm tired of being a security guard!"

This guy is a dumbass. "So you think because you shoot a Gecko and rip up some

paper that they'll promote you to president? The VP will just get the job, and you'll

probably be fired for bringing a firearm to work.""GAAAAAAHHH!" Bill is getting angry. You don't pick good times to antagonize

people. He unloads another round at the desk, this time some start to come through.

You have to think of something fast, or else you're going to get killed. The Gecko is

sitting in the fetal position, petrified. You go to him, and lift him up. "What are you

doing?", he asks.

"Saving us. I have an idea," you whisper back. You begin to fly gently toward the end

of the desk. "Alright, Bill. I have an idea where nobody gets hurt, and we can all-"

You quickly toss the Gecko out into the open. "THERE HE IS BILL! SHOOT HIM

SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!" you yell as you fly swiftly towards the window.

"WHAT?! HOW C-" The Gecko is quickly lit up with machine gun bullets as you

reach the windowsill. "See you later, moron!" You cross the threshold into freedom

and never look back. You don't know where exactly you're flying to, but one thing

will always ring true in your heart forever.

You're going to kill a lot of people.

By assaultedmuffin

you are the money someone could be saving with geico

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