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10 LIFE LESSONS

TO EXCEL INYOUR 30S

March 20, 2014 19 minute read by Mark Manson

MARK MANSONAuthor. Thinker. Life Enthusiast.

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Acouple weeks ago I turned 30. Leading up to mybirthday I wrote a post on what I learned in my 20s.

But I did something else. I sent an email out to mysubscribers (subscribe here) and asked readers age

37 and older what advice they would give their 30-year-old selves.The idea was that I would crowdsource the life experience frommy older readership and create another article based on theircollective wisdom.

The result was spectacular. I received over 600 responses, many of whichwere over a page in length. It took me a solid three days to read throughthem all and I was floored by the quality of insight people sent.

So first of all, a hearty thank you to all who contributed and helped createthis article.

While going through the emails what surprised me the most was just howconsistent some of the advice was. The same 5-6 pieces of advice came up

YOUR 30SMarch 20, 2014 19 minute read by Mark Manson• •

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over and over and over again in different forms across literally 100s ofemails. It seems that there really are a few core pieces of advice that areparticularly relevant to this decade of your life.

Below are 10 of the most common themes appearing throughout all of the600 emails. The majority of the article is comprised of dozens of quotestaken from readers. Some are left anonymous. Others have their age listed.

1. START SAVING FORRETIREMENT NOW, NOT LATER“I spent my 20s recklessly, but your 30s should be when you make a big financialpush. Retirement planning is not something to put off. Understanding boringthings like insurance, 401ks & mortgages is important since its all on yourshoulders now. Educate yourself.” (Kash, 41)

The most common piece of advice — so common that almost every singleemail said at least something about it — was to start getting your financialhouse in order and to start saving for retirement… today.

There were a few categories this advice fell into:

Make it your top priority to pay down all of your debt as soon aspossible.

Keep an “emergency fund” — there were tons of horror stories aboutpeople getting financially ruined by health issues, lawsuits, divorces,bad business deals, etc.

Stash away a portion of every paycheck, preferably into a 401k, an IRAor at the least, a savings account.

Don’t spend frivolously. Don’t buy a home unless you can afford to get

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a good mortgage with good rates.

Don’t invest in anything you don’t understand. Don’t truststockbrokers.

One reader said, “If you are in debt more than 10% of your gross annualsalary this is a huge red flag. Quit spending, pay off your debt and startsaving.” Another wrote, “I would have saved more money in an emergencyfund because unexpected expenses really killed my budget. I would havebeen more diligent about a retirement fund, because now mine looks prettysmall.”

Gee whiz! Saving is so easy and so fun!

And then there were the readers who were just completely screwed by theirinability to save in their 30s. One reader named Jodi wishes she had startedsaving 10% of every paycheck when she was 30. Her career took a turn forthe worst and now she’s stuck at 57, still living paycheck to paycheck.Another woman, age 62, didn’t save because her husband out-earned her.They later got divorced and she soon ran into health problems, draining allof the money she received in the divorce settlement. She, too, now livespaycheck to paycheck, slowly waiting for the day social security kicks in.Another man related a story of having to be supported by his son because hedidn’t save and unexpectedly lost his job in the 2008 crash.

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The point was clear: save early and save as much as possible. One womanemailed me saying that she had worked low-wage jobs with two kids in her30s and still managed to sock away some money in a retirement fund eachyear. Because she started early and invested wisely, she is now in her 50s andfinancially stable for the first time in her life. Her point: it’s always possible.You just have to do it.

2. START TAKING CARE OF YOURHEALTH NOW, NOT LATER“Your mind’s acceptance of age is 10 to 15 years behind your body’s aging. Yourhealth will go faster than you think but it will be very hard to notice, not the leastbecause you don’t want it to happen.” (Tom, 55)

We all know to take care of our health. We all know to eat better and sleepbetter and exercise more and blah, blah, blah. But just as with the retirementsavings, the response from the older readers was loud and unanimous: gethealthy and stay healthy now.

So many people said it that I’m not even going to bother quoting anybodyelse. Their points were pretty much all the same: the way you treat yourbody has a cumulative effect; it’s not that your body suddenly breaks downone year, it’s been breaking down all along without you noticing . This is thedecade to slow down that breakage.

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Gently let go of those who are not making your life better.

The key to salad is to laugh while eating it.

And this wasn’t just your typical motherly advice to eat your veggies. Thesewere emails from cancer survivors, heart attack survivors, stroke survivors,people with diabetes and blood pressure problems, joint issues and chronicpain. They all said the same thing: “If I could go back, I would start eatingbetter and exercising and I would not stop. I made excuses then. But I hadno idea.”

3. DON’T SPEND TIME WITHPEOPLE WHO DON’T TREAT YOUWELL“Learn how to say “no” to people, activities and obligations that don’t bringvalue to your life.” (Hayley, 37)

After calls to take care ofyour health and yourfinances, the most

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common piece of advicefrom people looking backat their 30-year-old selveswas an interesting one:they would go back andenforce strongerboundaries in their livesand dedicate their time tobetter people. “Settinghealthy boundaries is oneof the most loving things you can do for yourself or another person.”(Kristen, 43)

What does that mean specifically?

“Don’t tolerate people who don’t treat you well. Period. Don’t toleratethem for financial reasons. Don’t tolerate them for emotional reasons. Don’ttolerate them for the children’s sake or for convenience sake.” ( Jane, 52)

“Don’t settle for mediocre friends, jobs, love, relationships and life.” (Sean,43)

“Stay away from miserable people… they will consume you, drain you.”(Gabriella, 43)

“Surround yourself and only date people that make you a better version ofyourself, that bring out your best parts, love and accept you.” (Xochie)

People typically struggle with boundaries because they find it difficult tohurt someone else’s feelings, or they get caught up in the desire to changethe other person or make them treat them the way they want to be treated.This never works. And in fact, it often makes it worse. As one reader wiselysaid, “Selfishness and self-interest are two different things. Sometimes you

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have to be cruel to be kind.”

When we’re in our 20s, the world is so open to opportunity and we’re soshort on experience that we cling to the people we meet, even if they’vedone nothing to earn our clingage. But by our 30s we’ve learned that goodrelationships are hard to come by, that there’s no shortage of people to meetand friends to be made, and that there’s no reason to waste our time withpeople who don’t help us on our life’s path.

4. BE GOOD TO THE PEOPLE YOUCARE ABOUT“Show up with and for your friends. You matter, and your presence matters.”( Jessica, 40)

Conversely, while enforcing stricter boundaries on who we let into our lives,many readers advised to make the time for those friends and family that wedo decide to keep close.

“I think sometimes I may have taken some relationships for granted, andwhen that person is gone, they’re gone. Unfortunately, the older you get,well, things start to happen, and it will affect those closest to you.” (Ed, 45)

“Appreciate those close to you. You can get money back and jobs back, butyou can never get time back.” (Anne, 41)

“Tragedy happens in everyone’s life, everyone’s circle of family and friends.Be the person that others can count on when it does. I think that between 30and 40 is the decade when a lot of shit finally starts to happen that youmight have thought never would happen to you or those you love. Parentsdie, spouses die, babies are still-born, friends get divorced, spouses cheat…

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the list goes on and on. Helping someone through these times by simplybeing there, listening and not judging is an honor and will deepen yourrelationships in ways you probably can’t yet imagine.” (Rebecca, 40)

5. YOU CAN’T HAVEEVERYTHING; FOCUS ON DOINGA FEW THINGS REALLY WELL“Everything in life is a trade-off. You give up one thing to get another and youcan’t have it all. Accept that.” (Eldri, 60)

In our 20s we have a lot of dreams. We believe that we have all of the time inthe world. I myself remember having illusions that my website would be myfirst career of many. Little did I know that it took the better part of a decadeto even get competent at this. And now that I’m competent and have amajor advantage and love what I do, why would I ever trade that in foranother career?

“In a word: focus. You can simply get more done in life if you focus on onething and do it really well. Focus more.” (Ericson, 49)

Another reader: “I would tell myself to focus on one or twogoals/aspirations/dreams and really work towards them. Don’t getdistracted.” And another: “You have to accept that you cannot doeverything. It takes a lot of sacrifice to achieve anything special in life.”

A few readers noted that most people arbitrarily choose their careers in theirlate teens or early 20s, and as with many of our choices at those ages, theyare often wrong choices. It takes years to figure out what we’re good at andwhat we enjoy doing. But it’s better to focus on our primary strengths and

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maximize them over the course of lifetime than to half-ass something else.

“I’d tell my 30 year old self to set aside what other people think and identifymy natural strengths and what I’m passionate about, and then build a lifearound those.” (Sara, 58)

For some people, this will mean taking big risks, even in their 30s andbeyond. It may mean ditching a career they spent a decade building andgiving up money they worked hard for and became accustomed to. Whichbrings us to…

6. DON’T BE AFRAID OF TAKINGRISKS, YOU CAN STILL CHANGE“While by age 30 most feel they should have their career dialed in, it is never toolate to reset. The individuals that I have seen with the biggest regrets during thisdecade are those that stay in something that they know is not right. It is such aneasy decade to have the days turn to weeks to years, only to wake up at 40 with amid-life crisis for not taking action on a problem they were aware of 10 years priorbut failed to act.” (Richard, 41)

“Biggest regrets I have are almost exclusively things I did *not* do.” (Sam, 47)

Many readers commented on how society tells us that by 30 we should havethings “figured out” — our career situation, our dating/marriage situation,our financial situation and so on. But this isn’t true. And, in fact, dozens anddozens of readers implored to not let these social expectations of “being anadult” deter you from taking some major risks and starting over. Assomeone on my Facebook page responded: “All adults are winging it.”

“I am about to turn 41 and would tell my 30 year old self that you do not

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have to conform your life to an ideal that you do not believe in. Live yourlife, don’t let it live you. Don’t be afraid of tearing it all down if you have to,you have the power to build it all back up again.” (Lisa, 41)

Multiple readers related making major career changes in their 30s and beingbetter off for doing so. One left a lucrative job as a military engineer tobecome a teacher. Twenty years later, he called it one of the best decisionsof his life. When I asked my mom this question, her answer was, “I wish Ihad been willing to think outside the box a bit more. Your dad and I kind offigured we had to do thing A, thing B, thing C, but looking back I realize wedidn’t have to at all; we were very narrow in our thinking and our lifestylesand I kind of regret that.”

“Less fear. Less fear. Less fear. I am about to turn 50 next year, and I am justgetting that lesson. Fear was such a detrimental driving force in my life at30. It impacted my marriage, my career, my self-image in a fiercely negativemanner. I was guilty of: Assuming conversations that others might be havingabout me. Thinking that I might fail. Wondering what the outcome might be.If I could do it again, I would have risked more.” (Aida, 49)

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7. YOU MUST CONTINUE TOGROW AND DEVELOP YOURSELF“You have two assets that you can never get back once you’ve lost them: your bodyand your mind. Most people stop growing and working on themselves in their 20s.Most people in their 30s are too busy to worry about self-improvement. But ifyou’re one of the few who continues to educate themselves, evolve their thinkingand take care of their mental and physical health, you will be light-years ahead ofthe pack by 40.” (Stan, 48)

It follows that if one can still change in their 30s — and should continue tochange in their 30s — then one must continue to work to improve and grow.Many readers related the choice of going back to school and getting theirdegrees in their 30s as one of the most useful things they had ever done.Others talked of taking extra seminars and courses to get a leg up. Othersstarted their first businesses or moved to new countries. Others checkedthemselves into therapy or began a meditation practice.

As Warren Buffett once said, the greatest investment a young person canmake is in their own education, in their own mind. Because money comesand goes. Relationships come and go. But what you learn once stays withyou forever.

“The number one goal should be to try to become a better person, partner,parent, friend, colleague etc. — in other words to grow as an individual.”(Aimilia, 39)

8. NOBODY (STILL) KNOWSWHAT THEY’RE DOING, GET

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USED TO IT“Unless you are already dead — mentally, emotionally, and socially — youcannot anticipate your life 5 years into the future. It will not develop as you expect.So just stop it. Stop assuming you can plan far ahead, stop obsessing about what ishappening right now because it will change anyway, and get over the control issueabout your life’s direction. Fortunately, because this is true, you can take evenmore chances and not lose anything; you cannot lose what you never had. Besides,most feelings of loss are in your mind anyway – few matter in the long term.”(Thomas, 56)

In my article about what I learned in my 20s, one of my lessons was“Nobody Knows What They’re Doing,” and that this was good news. Well,according to the 40+ crowd, this continues to be true in one’s 30s and, well,forever it seems; and it continues to be good news forever as well.

“Most of what you think is important now will seem unimportant in 10 or20 years and that’s OK. That’s called growth. Just try to remember to nottake yourself so seriously all the time and be open to it.” (Simon, 57)

“Despite feeling somewhat invincible for the last decade, you really don’tknow what’s going to happen and neither does anyone else, no matter howconfidently they talk. While this is disturbing to those who cling topermanence or security, it’s truly liberating once you grasp the truth thatthings are always changing. To finish, there might be times that are reallysad. Don’t dull the pain or avoid it. Sorrow is part of everyone’s lifetime andthe consequence of an open and passionate heart. Honor that. Above all, bekind to yourself and others, it’s such a brilliant and beautiful ride and keepson getting better.” (Prue, 38)

“I’m 44. I would remind my 30 year old self that at 40, my 30s would beequally filled with dumb stuff, different stuff, but still dumb stuff… So, 30year old self, don’t go getting on your high horse. You STILL don’t know it

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all. And that’s a good thing.” (Shirley, 44)

9. INVEST IN YOUR FAMILY; IT’SWORTH IT“Spend more time with your folks. It’s a different relationship when you’re anadult and it’s up to you how you redefine your interactions. They are always goingto see you as their kid until the moment you can make them see you as your ownman. Everyone gets old. Everyone dies. Take advantage of the time you have leftto set things right and enjoy your family.” (Kash, 41)

I was overwhelmed with amount of responses about family and the power ofthose responses. Family is the big new relevant topic for this decade for me,because you get it on both ends. Your parents are old and you need to startconsidering how your relationship with them is going to function as a self-sufficient adult. And then you also need to contemplate creating a family ofyour own.

Pretty much everybody agreed to get over whatever problems you have withyour parents and find a way to make it work with them. One reader wrote,“You’re too old to blame your parents for any of your own short-comingsnow. At 20 you could get away with it, you’d just left the house. At 30,you’re a grown-up. Seriously. Move on.”

But then there’s the question that plagues every single 30-year-old: to babyor not to baby?

“You don’t have the time. You don’t have the money. You need to perfectyour career first. They’ll end your life as you know it. Oh shut up… Kids aregreat. They make you better in every way. They push you to your limits.They make you happy. You should not defer having kids. If you are 30, now

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is the time to get real about this. You will never regret it.” (Kevin, 38)

“It’s never the ‘right time’ for children because you have no idea whatyou’re getting into until you have one. If you have a good marriage andenvironment to raise them, err on having them earlier rather than later,you’ll get to enjoy more of them.” (Cindy, 45)

“All my preconceived notions about what a married life is like were wrong.Unless you’ve already been married, everyone’s are. Especially once youhave kids. Try to stay open to the experience and fluid as a person; yourmarriage is worth it, and your happiness seems as much tied to your abilityto change and adapt as anything else. I wasn’t planning on having kids. Froma purely selfish perspective, this was the dumbest thing of all. Children arethe most fulfilling, challenging, and exhausting endeavor anyone can everundertake. Ever.” (Rich, 44)

What do you want kid?

The consensus about marriage seemed to be that it was worth it, assumingyou had a healthy relationship with the right person. If not, you should runthe other way (See #3).

But interestingly, I got a number of emails like the following:

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“What I know now vs 10-13 years ago is simply this… bars, woman, beaches,drink after drink, clubs, bottle service, trips to different cities because I hadno responsibility other than work, etc… I would trade every memory of thatlife for a good woman that was actually in love with me… and maybe afamily. I would add, don’t forget to actually grow up and start a family andtake on responsibilities other than success at work. I am still having a littlebit of fun… but sometimes when I go out, I feel like the guy that keptcoming back to high school after he graduated (think MatthewMcConaughey’s character in Dazed and Confused). I see people in love andon dates everywhere. “Everyone” my age is in their first or second marriageby now! Being perpetually single sounds amazing to all of my marriedfriends but it is not the way one should choose to live their life.”(Anonymous, 43)

“I would have told myself to stop constantly searching for the next bestthing and I would have appreciated the relationships that I had with some ofthe good, genuine guys that truly cared for me. Now I’m always alone and itfeels too late.” (Fara, 38)

On the flip side, there were a small handful of emails that took the other sideof the coin:

“Don’t feel pressured to get married or have kids if you don’t want to. Whatmakes one person happy doesn’t make everyone happy. I’ve chosen to staysingle and childless and I still live a happy and fulfilled life. Do what feelsright for you.” (Anonymous, 40)

Conclusion: It seems that while family is not absolutely necessary to have ahappy and fulfilling life, the majority of people have found that family isalways worth the investment, assuming the relationships are healthy and nottoxic and/or abusive.

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10. BE KIND TO YOURSELF,RESPECT YOURSELF“Be a little selfish and do something for yourself every day, something differentonce a month and something spectacular every year.” (Nancy, 60)

This one was rarely the central focus of any email, but it was present insome capacity in almost all of them: treat yourself better. Almost everybodysaid this in one form or another. “There is no one who cares about or thinksabout your life a fraction of what you do,” one reader began, and, “life ishard, so learn to love yourself now, it’s harder to learn later,” another readerfinished.

Or as Renee, 40, succinctly put it: “Be kind to yourself.”

Many readers included the old cliche: “Don’t sweat the small stuff; and it’salmost all small stuff.” Eldri, 60, wisely said, “When confronted with aperceived problem, ask yourself, ‘Is this going to matter in five years, tenyears?’ If not, dwell on it for a few minutes, then let it go.” It seems manyreaders have focused on the subtle life lesson of simply accepting life as is,warts and all.

Which brings me to the last quote from Martin, age 58:

“When I turned forty my father told me that I’d enjoy my forties because inyour twenties you think you know what’s going on, in your thirties yourealize you probably don’t, and in your forties you can relax and just acceptthings. I’m 58 and he was right.”

Thank you to everyone who contributed.

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