Alcoholism & the Family

By Margie Roop, LPCC-S; CEAP; SAPRegional Director, LifeServices EAP

About Margie…I…..• Have seen well over 3,000 clients in a clinical

counseling setting since 1982 (detox, inpatient, outpatient, EAP).

• Have visited hundreds of workplaces conducting supervisor trainings, employee educations, critical incident stress debriefings (CISD), & presented EAP Proposals, and management consultations.

• Am passionate about what I do & am humbled by the incredible people I have met in the process.

• Am compelled to share my insights with EVERYBODY. This disease is killing too many people & it can be prevented, intervened upon, & treated!

Forward• As I refer to “alcoholism”, I am referring to

addiction to the DRUG alcohol . While, certainly, there are differences in terms of drugs besides alcohol which affect persons in many differing ways, a drug is a drug is a drug. Therefore, the information presented has everything to do with the drug addict as well as the alcoholic. All are addicted to a mood-altering drug and all experience, to varying degrees, the harmful affects of its use.

Alcoholism & the Family

• One of the most debilitating diseases

• It is a primary illness, not caused by another illness; it stands alone and must be treated FIRST before the treatment of any other “co-occurring illness.”

• Families suffer the MOST from this disease

The Disease is PrimaryIt came from where? But it’s just a beer!?

• As a primary illness, no other condition “caused” the alcoholism to occur: not depression, anxiety, stress, the job, etc..

• It is genetic: children of alcoholics have a four times higher chance of contracting this disease

• It is also an addiction: one can, if one drinks enough, get addicted to alcohol.

The Disease is Progressive

Progresses how? How is that so?• Once it takes hold, it

progress (get worse). Even if one quits drinking, then continues drinking at a later date, they will pick up where they would have left off if they HAD continued drinking……!

• As Father Joseph P. Martin, critically acclaimed expert on alcoholism, says: “Only God knows and He won’t tell.”

The Disease is ChronicNot acute? Forever?

• It is a lifelong (“forever”) diagnosis: once you have it, you will always have it!

• This is NOT a situational illness, that with acute treatment, will go away; it needs on-going treatment and a lifelong course of attention.

The Disease is FatalCauses death? This will kill me?

• If will cause incarceration, hospitalizations, and/or death if left untreated.

• Unless the PRIMARY illness of alcoholism is correctly diagnosed & treated, all bets are off!

Alcoholism in our Society

• Also, in our society, persons over 21 are legally allowed to consume alcohol & by & large, our society thrives on “feeling good” at all costs, therefore to “overindulge” by adults is not viewed all that negatively.

• Although recognized as a medical illness by the American Medical Association back in 1956, it is still viewed by society as something that the person caused themselves & thus, could have prevented.

Alcoholism in our Homes

• Problems, especially within the alcoholic’s family, are kept hidden & “hushed” so as to avoid negative scrutiny.

• If the alcoholic is the breadwinner, all the more reason to prevent any negative impressions so the job is not in jeopardy (spouse calls off for them, makes excuses for their lateness, etc…).

• What we do know UNEQUIVOCALLY, is that the job is the LAST THING TO GO in the life of the alcoholic: they will forsake their marriage, relationship with their kids, their savings, their reputation, but they will not forsake………….THEIR PAYCHECK!!

Why is the Paycheck so important?

• So, I guess (???) they are what one would call a “functional” alcoholic? Really?

• Ask their families if they are “functional”, go on do it; they will give you an earful, if they are honest!

• It provides for their drinking and/or drugging habit!

• They will live in cars, shelters, on someone’s couch, be estranged from their family, go bankrupt, & be a loner, but they will still say: “I SHOW UP AT WORK EVERY SINGLE DAY!”

Is this an alcoholic?

Who knows?Is there love within the home of the alcoholic?Is there calm & peace?

Are needs met?Are things normal?

Do others know about “their” problem?

Equal Opportunity Illness

• Alcoholism is not restricted to the lower echelon of society.

• Alcoholism is not restricted to the unemployed.

• Alcoholism is not restricted to adults only

Effects of Alcoholism on

the FamilyIt is the “distance-

creator” in the family: the only known substance to

do that!It distances the alcoholic from their: husband, wife,

son, daughter, other relatives, & reality, in

general! The alcoholic is

physically present but is emotionally unavailable.

What, exactly, IS an alcoholic?

• What kinds of problems, say you?

• The problems are endless: divorce, domestic violence, financial issues/bankruptcy, depression, anxiety, estranged from children, loss of homes, cars, jobs, health, & loss of lives.

• According to Fr. Joseph Martin, an alcoholic is one who usually drinks too much.....

• Geez….what is TOO MUCH? That which causes problems: brilliant!

• But, this is how the alcoholic lives.

More ProblemsI never thought of

that…. A whole person disease• It affects every fiber

of a person’s being as it also affects all of his/her loved ones.

• All decisions, all plans, all daily maneuverings are dependent on what the alcoholic will say, do, decide, or be on any particular day!

The three rules of the alcoholic home

Don’t TalkDon’t TrustDon’t Feel

Don’t Talk…about the “problem”

Say what? I should’ve kept my mouth shut!

• Because it will not be heard; it will fall on deaf ears, because of a thing called: DENIAL;

• Those who dare to talk about it perceive that they will risk harm from the alcoholic at some level.

Don’t Trust• Because things

change from day to day;

• Promises are made and not kept;

• The alcoholic, if having had a black-out, would NOT be able to recall what he/she may have promised the day before….!

Don’t FeelReally? Threatening?

• To share true, honest feelings with the alcoholic about their drinking would, again, be met with denial;

• Conversely, alcoholics are incapable of expressing honest feelings because they’d have to ALSO get honest about their drinking!

• The alcoholic is threatened by true & honest expressions of feelings as it is, simply: “Too close for comfort.”

• The alcoholic does not want to have to admit that it IS their DRINKING which is eliciting these true feelings.

Incarceration, bankruptcy,

physical/verbal fighting,

emotional scars.

The list goes on!The price to be paid by the

family not honestly addressing & effectively

dealing with the alcoholic, will skyrocket!

Yet, it is hard to do and ENABLING becomes the easier way of coping with

the alcoholic.

What IS that thing called enabling?

“I thought I was helping”! “I was ashamed…”

• Doing for the alcoholic what they could do for themselves.

• Making excuses for them.

• Cutting them slack……over & over.

• Hiding or covering up for their mistakes.

• Enabling actually helps the enabler NOT the alcoholic because, after awhile, the enabler simply gets sick & tired of dealing with the refusals/resistance of the alcoholic.

Children most affected ….or, they may:• Act out & get into trouble

for attention• Become a jokester who

desperately seeks comedic relief & attention;

• Ascends to the heights academically, socially, and/or athletically, again, for much-needed attention for something POSITIVE occurring in their home!

• Children of alcoholics learn that theirs is not a safe home due to inconsistencies, chaos, unavailability of the alcoholic, stress of the enabler, physical violence, lack of stability, so they simply keep to themselves & become ISOLATED.

The family can get sicker than the alcoholic

Because the alcoholic REQUIRES alcohol to live, they will stop at nothing

to promote their using; therefore, the

family feels as though they are going INSANE.

Alcoholics are slick!• They are expert at

turning the blame onto others rather than own their problem;

• Their troubles in life are all about everything else EXCEPT their drinking;

• Your protestations are a threat and WILL be met by resistance: you ARE the enemy!

Remember….• Alcoholics need alcohol to live,

especially once they have progressed beyond just abusive drinking.

• The family of the alcoholic has developed its own “dysfunctional” homeostasis; after awhile, no one wishes to tip the apple cart!

• It then becomes easier for all to simply enable the alcoholic by ignoring the problem all the while (and secretly) hoping that he/she would just quit drinking!

Crisis time…..Finally! A thirsty horse…?!

• Typically the alcoholic’s crisis involves an accident, jail, hospitalization, bankruptcy, divorce, homelessness, etc…

• “You can take a horse to water but you can’t make him drink….

• ….however, you can MAKE HIM THIRSTY!

• If the intervention, treatment, & incentives for getting well are presented effectively, the alcoholic WILL respond.

What can I do?There ARE resources “I am helpless”

• Seek assistance via Alanon, the sister self-help group to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) which follows a 12-step Program of recovery;

• Go to: www.alanon.org or “Google” Alanon to locate meetings in your local area.

• You will see that you did not: cause it, you cannot control it, nor can you cure it!

• The more you learn about the disease of alcoholism, the more you will “see” the hope of treatment for the alcoholic & the family!

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to

change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Helpful Resources• Alanon (support group for loved ones of the alcoholic or drug

addict): www.alanon.org; • Alcoholics Anonymous: (support group for the alcoholic or

drug addict) www.aa.org• Narcotics Anonymous (support group for the narcotic addict)

(NA): www.na.org• Nar-Anon (support group for the loved ones of the narcotic

addict): www.nar-anon.org• Father joseph P. Martin (alcoholism & other chemical

dependencies): www.hazelden.org• Claudia Black (children of alcoholics): www.claudiablack.com• Melody Beatty (co-dependency & self-care):

www.melaniebeatty.com