Identifying Destructive Dances: An Introduction to Stage 1 of Emotionally

Focused Therapy for Couples

A. Maren Whipple, MSEd, LCPC, NCC, CCMHC

Acknowledgements

Participation in Emotionally Focused Therapy Core Skills was partially funded by the Schultz Foundation for Advancing Counseling. www.advancingcounseling.org

Since 2007, the Schultz Foundation for Advancing Counseling has awarded over $230,000 in grants to qualified mental health professionals, agencies, and organizations along with counseling graduate students in Illinois. Applications for 2020 grants are available this spring and must be received by September 3.

Overview

• Attachment Theory

• Introduction to EFT

• Specifics of Stage 1

Best Hopes

EFT Resources

EFT as Integrative

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Attachment

Systemic

Experiential

Attachment

• “Being able to reach out to and depend on reliable others and internalize a “felt sense” of secure connection with others is the ultimate resource that allows our species to survive and thrive in an uncertain world” (Johnson, 2019, p.7)

Attachment is an innate motivating force

• Part of our evolution as social creatures

• We don’t “grow out of it”

• Attachment and the emotions associated with it are the core of close relationships

Still Face Experiment

Secure dependence complements autonomy

• We cannot be completely independent

• “Secure dependence and autonomy are two sides of the same coin” (Johnson, 2004, p.

25).

• Feeney found those who felt secure with their partners were more confident about solving problems on their own (Feeney, 2007)

Attachment offers an essential safe haven

• Being near a loved one calms the nervous system

• Jim Coan MRI experiment: Holding partner’s hand caused them to experience less pain (Coan, 2006)

EFT fMRI experiment

Attachment offers a secure base

• Secure attachment encourages openness to new information and flexibility

• Mikulincer found those who felt safely connected felt more positive about themselves and were more curious and open to new information (Mikulincer, 1995; 1997; 1998)

Emotional accessibility and responsiveness build bonds• Lack of engagement and connection drive strong emotions

The process of separation distress is predictable• If attachment needs are not met, anger, clinging, depression, and despair follow

Adult Attachment

• More representational—small children require more physical contact

• Sexual—sexuality can be an attachment behavior

• More reciprocal—parent takes lead in parent-child relationships

Typical Attachment Needs

• A—Acceptance

• C—Connection

• E—Engagement

• S—Safety

EFT Outcome studies

• 19 Positive outcome studies

• 75% success (issues resolved)

• 90% improved.

EFT as Integrative

Emotionally FocusedTherapy

Attachment

Systemic

Experiential

Key Characteristics of EFT

• The cycle is the problem, not the partners

• Behaviors are understandable responses to attachment needs

• Change happens in session as partners experience different responses

Three Stages of EFT

Stage 1• Assessment and Cycle De-escalation

Stage 2

• Restructuring the Bond—Creating Responsiveness

• Withdrawer re-engagement

• Pursuer softening

Stage 3• Consolidation/Integration

Stage 1

• Alliance and Assessment

• Identifying the Cycle and the attachment issues

• Accessing Underlying Emotions that cause reactive moves in the cycle

• Reframing the Problem as the Cycle with its underlying feelings and attachment needs

Alliance and Assessment

• Alliance Building with both partners throughout

• Assessment• Attachment Histories and what they learned about emotion

• Possible Contraindications (the Four A’s)

Assessment: the Four A’s

• Abuse

• Affairs

• Addictions

• Agenda

• Can you create safety?

Assessment: Individual Sessions

• First session together, then two individual sessions to get attachment histories, then remainder together

• First session together, attachment history of one with other observing, switch roles, then two individual sessions, remainder together

Identifying the Cycle

• The more she does this, the more he does that, and the more he does that, the more she does this….

3 Destructive Dances

Protest Polka

Find the Bad Guy

Freeze and Flee

Tracking the Cycle

• Trigger

• Body

• Feeling

• Meaning

• Action

Tracking the Cycle

Deepening Emotion: the EFT Tango

Reflect Present Process

Explore Deeper

Emotions

Set up Enactment

Process the

Enactment

Integrate, Validate,

and Reflect Process

Reflect Present Process

• What is going on in the room that indicates emotion?• Tears

• “Huffing”

• Turning away

• Change in volume

• Defensiveness

• Eye-rolling

Explore Deeper Emotions

• Reflect

• Imagery

• Soft

• Slow

• Simple

• Client’s words

• Avoid questions!

Set up Enactment

• Be specific about what you want them to share

• Always share softer emotions

• Inside/outside

• “Slice it thinner”

• “Catch the Bullet”

Process the Enactment

• What was it like to share?

• What was it like to hear?

Integrate, Validate, and Reflect Process

• Tie a bow!

• What was the same? (cycle showed up)

• What was different? Celebrate!

Enactments

• Start with the first session

• Start small and positive

• If they object, validate and point out that this is what couples therapy is about

EFT for Individuals and Families!

EFT Connections

• Facebook: St. Louis EFT Community

• Email: STLEFTC@gmail.com

• St. Louis EFT Community consultation group: Second Thursday of the month at Crossroads Church, 2640 Oakview Terrace in Maplewood, MO

• Chicagoeft.com

• Facebook: Chicago Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy / CCEFT

• ICEEFT.com

References• Coan, J., Schaefer, H., & Davidson, R. (2006). Lending a Hand: Social Regulation of the

Neural Response to Threat. Psychological Science, (12), 1032.

• Feeney, B. C. (2007). The dependency paradox in close relationships: Accepting dependence promotes independence. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 92(2), 268-285. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.92.2.268

• Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York : Little, Brown & Co., 2008.

• Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice : emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.

• Mikulincer, M. (1995). Attachment style and the mental representation of the self. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 69(6), 1203-1215. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.69.6.1203

• Mikulincer, M. (1997). Adult attachment style and information processing: Individual differences in curiosity and cognitive closure. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 72(5), 1217-1230. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.72.5.1217

• Mikulincer, M. (1998). Adult attachment style and individual differences in functional versus dysfunctional experiences of anger. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 74(2), 513-524. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.74.2.513.

• Simpson, J. A., Rholes, W. S., & Nelligan, J. S. (1992). Support seeking and support giving within couples in an anxiety-provoking situation: The role of attachment styles. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 62(3), 434-446. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.62.3.434