benjoseph futurama spec
TRANSCRIPT
FUTURAMA
"TWO LIVE CREWS"
Written byBen Joseph
ACT 1
FADE IN:
A TELEVISION SCREEN. A commercial plays:
EXT. SPACE
The PLANET EXPRESS SHIP flies through the cosmos.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Intergalactic delivery raises a lot of
questions.
INT. OFFICE - VARIOUS
Quick shots of three white-collar CONCERNED CUSTOMERS.
CONCERNED CUSTOMER 1
When will my package get there?
CONCERNED CUSTOMER 2
Will it be in one piece?
Holding a FLAMING PACKAGE:
CONCERNED CUSTOMER 3
Was this always on fire?
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Unlike some delivery companies, Planet
Express doesn’t pretend to know the
answer to these questions.
A MAP of the universe’s nasty, uncharted parts. One system is labeled “HERE THAR BE WURMHOLES”.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
There’s one question, though, we always
know the answer to: “Will you go there?”
A big “YES” graphic stamps the screen.
(CONTINUED)
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
We don’t know why your package needs to
get through the Venusian phantom zone-
EXT. VENUSIAN PHANTOM ZONE
The Planet Express Ship flies in a horrible void. GHOSTLY SPECTRES fly around it, moaning.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
-or past the Cerebrus of Alpha Centauri.
EXT. SPACE - ASTEROID FIELD
A giant sleeping THREE-HEADED DOG sleeps on an asteroid. The ship slowly creeps past it.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
But Planet Express is on the job.
The dog suddenly WAKES UP, grabbing the ship with one of its mouths and shaking it.
EXT. JUNGLE PLANET
A courageous DELIVERY BOY runs through a dense, alien jungle, package in hand. He disappears into the distance.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Planet Express. We go there, even if it’s
not a good idea.
The PLANET EXPRESS LOGO appears then fades out, ending the commercial and leaving us in the REAL JUNGLE.
The delivery boy returns toward us, now not an anonymous actor, but FRY, package in hand, running for his life.
FRY
AHHHHH!!
SOMETHING following him, Fry arrives at a clearing, where Bender and Leela wait outside the ship.
FRY (CONT'D)
Leela! Help! They’re going to kill me!
2.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BENDER
Hey, the chump’s alive. Looks like you
owe me five bucks.
LEELA
I said he’d be fine! Fry, why didn’t you
deliver the package?
FRY
I tried, but- look!
Fry points. A tribe of NASTY, FURRY ALIEN NATIVES emerge from the brush, filling the screen.
A quick re-frame reveals they’re only inches high. One of them runs over and harmlessly pokes Fry in the ankle.
LEELA
Aw, did the harmless little furry men
scare you?
Fry nods.
LEELA (CONT'D)
Would you like me to come with you?
Fry nods faster. Leela sighs.
EXT. STEP PYRAMID - LATER
A SMALL BOG separates the crew and their destination.
LEELA
See? Here already. Fry, you can’t be
scared by every little obstacle we-
A few of the tiny natives venture onto the bog, which turns into a GIANT PIT MONSTER. It devours them with a SNAP.
LEELA (CONT'D)
Uh, we’ll just drop it off.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - LOW ORBIT
The cargo doors open, Bender and Fry survey the jungle planet’s surface far below while Leela pilots.
3.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
LEELA
Almost there... Drop!
Fry drops the package (labeled “FRAGILE”) over the edge. Eventually, there’s an expensive “CRUNCH”.
BENDER
Another satisfied customer.
EXT. PLANET EXPRESS - THE NEXT DAY
INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM
PROF. FARNSWORTH addresses Fry, Bender, Leela, ZOIDBERG and AMY, all seated around the table.
PROF. FARNSWORTH
Good news, everyone! Today marks the
longest we’ve ever gone without a crew
fatality.
OMNI
Hurray!
HERMES enters and slams down a folder labeled “COMPLAINTS”.
HERMES
It also marks the longest we’ve gone
without successfully delivering a
package.
OMNI
(AMBIVALENT NOISES, SHRUGS)
HERMES
At the rate we’re losing customers, we’d
have to kill one of you just to make ends
meet!
BENDER
Are we voting? If we’re voting, I vote
Zoidberg.
ZOIDBERG
Fine, fine, I’ll do it already.
4.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
Zoidberg leaves the table.
LEELA
Nobody’s killing anybody today! (TO O.S.)
Including themselves!
Zoidberg, almost out the window, shrugs and returns to his seat.
LEELA (CONT'D)
Professor, the problem isn’t that we’re
lazy-
BENDER
(INDIGNANT) Madame, you presume too much.
LEELA
-it’s that every shipping label these
past few months has the words “horrible”,
“man-eating” or “eternal doom” on it.
PROF. FARNSWORTH
Hogwash. What about the Nebula of
Constant Torment? I don’t see that
fitting into your little “pattern.”
HERMES
Delivery’s a dangerous business and
you’re all paid within 20% of minimum
wage. As they say in Kingston, “Nut up.”
Fry stands up.
FRY
First, I demand a calculator and possibly
a raise. Second, are you implying I’m
some kind of coward?
HERMES
Pure Jamaican jerk chicken.
AMY
Scaredy-cat, even.
5.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
LEELA
You do still sleep with a night light.
FRY
You leave Glow-Bear out of this.
Professor, give me your most dangerous
delivery!
The Professor opens up a RED FOLDER.
PROF. FARNSWORTH
There is this shipment of radon crystals
heading for the Badlands of Freon 9.
LEELA
No! I’m tired of risking my life, all for
a paycheck slightly larger than Fry’s.
We’re taking the safest delivery
available.
A beat. The Professor slides the red folder to Leela.
LEELA (CONT'D)
Only delivery available?
PROF. FARNSWORTH
Bingo.
EXT. SPACE - NEAR FREON 9 - LATER
The ship flies toward an icy wasteland of a planet.
EXT. FREON 9 - MT. MURDERKILL - CONTINUOUS
The ship lands next to an imposing mountain. Bender, Fry and Leela exit in sub-zero gear. Fry pushes a hover flat.
BENDER
I’d hate to be warm-blooded right now. Or
have any type of blood at all, really.
FRY
Does anybody else hear howling? I hear
howling.
6.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
LEELA
Fry, we’re in the middle of a level seven
windstorm. It’s all howling. Now focus,
we need to find-
Leela checks the manifest.
LEELA (CONT'D)
-37 Horrible Cave Entrance, Mt.
Murderkill, Freon 9.
FRY
Oo! I bet it’s that warm, inviting
settlement.
Fry points. A sleek looking dome base sits a mile away.
LEELA
(DEEP SIGH) No, it’s probably that
horrible cave entrance in Mt. Murderkill.
Leela points to a jagged hole in the base of the mountain. A small sign out front says “37”.
INT. MURDERKILL CAVE - LATER
The crew enters the cave.
FRY
Who needs a bunch of energy crystals in a
cave, anyway?
LEELA
(READING) I.C. Weiner, apparently.
FRY
I. C.- Hey, wait a second.
Fry grabs the paper.
FRY (CONT'D)
I’ve delivered to this guy before. He
doesn’t live on Freon 9. He lives in
abandoned buildings and empty high
schools. And he rarely answers his door.
7.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BENDER
We came all the way to this ice cube for
a crank call?
VOICE (O.S.)
Not exactly.
REVEAL: Three surprisingly eloquent YETI MONSTERS have surrounded the crew.
LEELA
This whole delivery was a trap!
YETI 1
Oh no, we need the radon crystals.
YETI 2
We just get a kick out of murdering and
then eating delivery crews.
YETI 3
Also, we don’t want to pay for the
crystals.
YETI 1
So it’s win-win-win, really.
(REMEMBERS THE CREW) Oh, and lose.
INT. YETI BASE - PRISON CELL - LATER
The yetis throw the crew into a small holding cell, hewn into the ice. A steel door slams, locking them in.
FRY
I always knew it would end this way.
LEELA
You always knew you’d be eaten by
abominable snow-monsters?
FRY
(DEFENSIVE) I had my suspicions. (TO
BENDER) Why are you so calm?
Bender sits on the prison toilet, feet up.
8.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BENDER
Once they realize I don’t have any of
those tasty internal organs you suckers
haul around, I’ll be free to go.
VOICE (O.S.)
Actually, they’ll probably just use you
for spare parts.
BENDER
Huh? Whazzat?
VOICE (O.S.)
Down here.
Bender looks down to see a decapitated ROBOT HEAD.
ROBOT HEAD (HANDY)
Hey, I’m Handy. Nice to meet you!
BENDER
What happened to your body?
HANDY
You’re sitting on it.
Bender looks at the toilet. It’s made of ROBOT PARTS.
HANDY (CONT'D)
It’s not such a bad life. You know, other
than the constant stream of yeti feces.
Bender throws up his arms in panic.
BENDER
We gotta get outta here! Fry, quick, have
a heart attack.
FRY
Don’t you mean “fake” a heart attack?
BENDER
With your acting skills? Here, I’ll get
you started.
Bender PUNCHES FRY IN THE CHEST. Leela stops him.
9.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
LEELA
Even if they did open the door, we
couldn’t fight our way past the guards.
Fry and Bender sag. She’s right.
HANDY
You could get my crew to help.
REVEAL: Frozen in the ice are two SOLDIERS: A grizzled MAN with red hair, and a WOMAN with THREE EYES.
BENDER
Holy mercenary!
Fry ruffles through his pockets, pulls out a MATCHBOX.
FRY
One match left. Here goes nothing.
He strikes it repeatedly against the box. Nothing happens.
BENDER
Here, let me help.
Bender generates a LARGE BLOWTORCH from one of his hands. It instantly incinerates the match into ash.
FRY
Nice work. Now we’ll never get them out.
A quiet, defeated beat.
LEELA
Hey, wait, a second!
INT. YETI BASE - PRISON DOOR - LATER
Two Yetis with large clubs stand guard. From within comes the sound of a BLOWTORCH.
INT. YETI BASE - PRISON CELL - CONTINUOUS
The sound is Fry and Leela, BLOWING HOT AIR onto the frozen bodies, now almost defrosted. They collapse, out of breath.
LEELA
It took three days, but we did it.
10.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
FRY
Would have gone a lot quicker if Bender
had helped.
Bender, still seated, looks up from his newspaper.
BENDER
(SELF-RIGHTEOUS) I told you already, I
didn’t feel like it.
LEELA
They’re waking up!
The Man’s eyes slowly open.
MAN
Wha- Who are you people?
HANDY
Captain Agnar! It’s me!
WOMAN (AGNAR)
Oh, Handy, what have they done to you?
Agnar gently places Handy’s head atop the toilet tank.
YETI 1 (O.S.)
Hey, did we eat those prisoners yet?
YETI GUARD (O.S.)
I don’t know, want me to check?
YETI 1 (O.S.)
(SARCASTIC) No, I want you to answer my
question with another question.
YETI GUARD (O.S.)
(GRUMBLING) Hey, dinner, you alive in
there?
He knocks on the door.
LEELA
We’re out of time. Think you can help us
fight our way out of here?
11.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
The man - FLASH - pulls out a LASER SHOTGUN and cocks it.
MAN (FLASH)
Does a yeti poop in the snow?
HANDY
I wish.
AGNAR
Flash, you take point. Butch cyclops,
flank him. Sassy robot, guard our rear.
Flabby ginger... Carry that toilet.
Fry salutes, inspired.
INT. YETI BASE - PRISON DOOR - CONTINUOUS
The Yeti guard continues knocking on the door.
YETI GUARD
(WHINY) Come on, is anybody in there?
The door EXPLODES OUTWARDS. Flash runs out, followed by Agnar, Leela, and Bender. A beat later, Fry follows, carrying the toilet. A FIGHT ensues.
Flash takes out two YETIS with his shotgun.
Leela gives Agnar a boost, allowing her to SOMERSAULT KICK a yeti past a casual, smoking Bender.
Fry COWERS behind the toilet/Handy as two yetis close in. With his toilet seat, Handy knocks both of them out.
Fry stands up, relieved, and carries Handy out of the base, followed by the rest of the crew.
EXT. MURDERKILL CAVE
The two crews exit, running for their lives. A pack of angry Yetis, wielding clubs and axes, follows them.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - COCKPIT
The crew assumes their positions. Fry, finding his seat taken by Flash, drops the toilet and sits on it.
The ship takes off. Bender looks out the window at the yetis, shaking their clubs and axes.
12.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BENDER
Ha! Later, primitive cave-morons!
The yetis turn their primitive weapons around, transforming them into LASER RIFLES. They fire at the departing ship.
BENDER (CONT'D)
(SCARED YELP)
EXT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - CONTINUOUS
The ship dodges laser blasts as it heads into space.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - SPACE
Leela pilots the ship to safety.
LEELA
That was close.
She leaves the wheel, joining Fry and Bender as they stand opposite their obvious counterparts.
LEELA (CONT'D)
Thanks for all your help back there. How
did soldiers like you end up on Freon 9?
AGNAR
Oh, we’re not soldiers. We were a
delivery crew.
FRY
Hey! Just like us!
FLASH
We were nothing like you! We worked for
the best delivery company in the galaxy.
A company called... Planet Express.
A DRAMATIC MUSIC STING as Leela and Fry gasp. Bender doesn’t react. Fry leans over and whispers to him.
BENDER
(GETTING IT) Ohhhh! Weird.
END ACT I
13.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
ACT II
EXT. PLANET EXPRESS - DAY
INT. PLANET EXPRESS - DAY
FRY, LEELA, and BENDER sit across from FLASH, AGNAR, and HANDY, restored to robot form. ZOIDBERG and AMY listen while the PROFESSOR and HERMES preside.
PROF. FARNSWORTH
Two of my delivery crews in the same
room, and nary a disembowelment between
them! Let’s welcome Flash, Agnar, and
Handy back from their extended vacation.
FLASH
We weren’t on vacation, you old coot!
We’ve been frozen solid for ten years!
AGNAR
Did you even look for us?
PROF. FARNSWORTH
That’s right. Their extended, unpaid
vacation.
HERMES
You could have at least sent a postcard.
FRY
Professor, what’s the deal? I thought we
were your favorite delivery crew.
PROF. FARNSWORTH
Oh, dear me, no. Agnar, Flash, and Handy
were the best crew I’ve ever had.
FLASH
(MOLLIFIED) We did sling a package or two
in our day.
FRY
So, we’re like, what, a close second?
14.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
The Professor ignores the question and continues.
THE PROFESSOR’S FLASHBACK:
- A sleeker, heavily armed PLANET EXPRESS SHIP sails through the cosmos.
PROF. FARNSWORTH (V.O.)
Back in those days, Planet Express was
the intergalactic shipping company.
- A ROCKY MOON. HANDY jumps out and transforms into a HOVER-FLAT. FLASH pushes him while AGNAR provides cover fire against various ROBOT ATTACKERS.
PROF. FARNSWORTH (V.O.) (CONT'D)
There was no job too hard or dangerous.
Clients loved us. We even launched a
children’s entertainment franchise.
- A ROOM OF CHILDREN watch the previous scene on TELEVISION. TITLE CARD: PLANET EXPRESS DELIVERY RANGERS!
PROF. FARNSWORTH (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Then, one day, they vanished.
- The TV SHUTS OFF.
PROF. FARNSWORTH (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I was left with only my hefty insurance
pay-out and various licensing deals to
comfort me.
- In his LAB, the Professor sadly counts money.
PROF. FARNSWORTH (V.O.) (CONT'D)
With orders piling up, I was forced to
hire the next bunch of losers who walked
through my door.
- FRY, LEELA, and BENDER enter the room.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM - PRESENT
The Professor finishes his story.
ZOIDBERG
What a story!
15.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
AMY
You guys are, like, heroes.
FRY
Hey! Don’t forget who rescued the heroes.
AMY
Splu’h. (TO AGNAR) He cried in the
corner, didn’t he?
AGNAR
Fry was very brave in his own way.
BENDER
In the same way a baby is. When it cries.
In some kind of corner.
FLASH
So what now? Our deal with you ended
years ago.
HERMES
Normally, yes, but our contracts have a
suspended animation clause.
FLASH
What’s that?
HERMES
While you were frozen, so was it. You
still owe us some serious work.
FRY
Wait - are we fired?
HERMES
Of course not. We’d need you if these
rascals disappeared on another “unpaid
vacation.”
Agnar, Flash, and Handy glare at Hermes.
PROF. FARNSWORTH
Or if someone needs a new liver.
16.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
Leela and Fry glare at the Professor. Bender scratches his chin, intrigued.
BENDER
Half the work, eh? Genius!
Hermes pushes a LARGE BOX WITH AIR HOLES into frame.
HERMES
But enough yammering. These Plutonian
Snapping Beetles were due yesterday. And
they are not happy about it.
FRY
The customers?
HERMES
No, the beetles. They’re snappier than an
island snapping turtle on Snapper’s Day.
He pokes the box. A chorus of loud SNAPPING emanates. Leela and Fry stare, horrified, but Flash steps forward.
FLASH
We’re on it.
Flash and his crew run out, a model of efficiency. The old crew reluctantly follows behind them.
EXT. SPACE
The Planet Express ship hurtles into space.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - COCKPIT
Leela and Agnar are at the helm.
LEELA
Look at us. Two strong, independent
female captains, working together.
AGNAR
Isn’t it great? I’ve always wanted a role
model of your age.
LEELA
Well, I’m not that much older than-
17.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
AGNAR
And with such strong, masculine
shoulders, too.
Leela grinds her teeth into a smile.
AGNAR (CONT’D)
Oh, do you mind if I pilot for a bit? I
know a short cut through this sector.
LEELA
(THROUGH HER TEETH) Sure. Why not.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CARGO BAY
The box of beetles is secured to the floor with straps. In one corner, Handy talks to a bored-looking Bender.
HANDY
...THEN I transformed into a hand-cart. I
was really helpful that day.
BENDER
If I hear one more story about helping or
lifting, I’m going help my foot lift into
your ass.
Across the room, Fry pesters Flash.
FRY
Look at us! Two space explorers, just
hanging out. We’re like Han Solo and his
partner, Other Han Solo!
Flash SIGHS HEAVILY. Suddenly, the ship SHAKES.
FLASH
Somethin’ hit us! Protect the cargo!
Several of the straps SNAP. To keep the box from sliding, Bender and Fry hold one side, Handy and Flash the other.
EXT. ASTEROID FIELD
The ship flies through a dense patch of asteroids.
18.
CONTINUED:
INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - COCKPIT
Agnar flies while Leela cowers behind her.
LEELA
THIS IS YOUR SHORTCUT? You’re going to
get us all killed!
AGNAR
Please. Any captain worth their salt
could fly this with one eye closed-
Leela gives her a cold, monocular stare.
AGNAR (CONT’D)
Ah. Right.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - CARGO BAY
Bender and Fry hold one side of the box, Handy and Flash hold the other.
FRY
(TO HIMSELF) OK, Fry, don’t be scared.
You’re a delivery boy, just like Flash.
Hard, brave-
BENDER
Ah, screw this, I need a smoke.
As Bender walks away, the crate BREAKS FREE from its final restraints, pushing Fry off-screen.
FRY (O.S.)
Don’t worry, Flash, I have it under
control!
There’s a loud CRASH and high-pitched SHRIEK. Fry runs back through frame, SNAPPING BEETLES all over his body.
FLASH
Ah! They’re even more snappy than I
imagined! FLASH! HELP!
Flash and Handy look on, not impressed.
19.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS - THE PROFESSOR’S LAB - THE NEXT DAY
Leela and Bender storm in, followed by Fry, still pulling snapping beetles off of himself.
LEELA
Professor, we can’t work with that crew.
They’re a bunch of arrogant, reckless-
BENDER
-ass-kissing, slap-happy-
FRY
-totally awesome dudes!
The Professor is about to answer, when Agnar, Flash and Handy walk in.
AGNAR
We had some concerns, as well.
FLASH
Crew’s gone a bit soft in our absence.
LEELA
Just because we don’t want to risk our
lives for a stupid package-
The Professor opens his mouth again, but Fry steps in.
FRY
Leela, I know you’re not rough-ridin’
delivery folk like Flash and me-
FLASH
A yellow-belly like you? Don’t make me
laugh. ‘Cause I can’t. Astro-hawk ripped
out that part of my vocal cords.
He points to a NASTY SCAR on his throat.
FRY
But- I made patches-
Fry holds up a military-style UNIT PATCH, depicting Flash giving him a piggy-back ride.
20.
(CONTINUED)
LEELA
Well, Professor, looks like you have to
make a choice. Us or-
The Professor stares silently.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. PLANET EXPRESS - FRONT DOOR
Leela, Fry and Bender fly out, holding cardboard boxes of their possessions. The door slams behind them.
LEELA
-them.
FRY
This bites. Everybody thinks I’m a
coward.
BENDER
An unemployed coward.
LEELA
Well, I think it’s for the best. I’d like
a job whose contract doesn’t have a
“death-by-giant-space-leech” clause.
BENDER
This is really going to do a number on my
programming.
Through Bender’s robot-vision, we see a list of DIRECTIVES:
1:AVOID WORK 2:BOOZE 3:GRIFT 4:PHILANDER
He DELETES the first one, moving up the remaining items.
BENDER (CONT'D)
All better. Later losers!
The crew go their separate ways. FADE TO BLACK.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD EXPRESS - LATER
A NEW DAY. We open a DIFFERENT BUILDING than usual - a small, modest, DELIVERY COMPANY.
21.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
Fry approaches the door. He surveys the building’s sign - “NEIGHBORHOOD EXPRESS: WE DELIVER... SAFELY!” - and sighs.
INT. NEIGHBORHOOD EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM
Fry mopes into a tiny CONFERENCE ROOM. Posters litter the walls: “STEP 1: See danger, Step 2: Run away” and “FAST IS SCARY! SLOW IS SAFE!” A SWEATY CEO enters.
CEO
New guy! Big day today! You’re going all
the way to the edge!
Fry perks up.
CEO (CONT’D)
..of our five block delivery radius!
FRY
(BORED) Yippee.
The CEO hands him a package.
CEO
Be safe!
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Fry, still morose, pedals a tiny KIDDIE DELIVERY SPACESHIP as several KIDS ON BIKES speed past him.
EXT. MATTRESS AND PADDED ROOM FACTORY
Fry pedals up to a large FACTORY.
INT. MATTRESS AND PADDED ROOM FACTORY - FACTORY FLOOR
Fry enters, carrying the package.
FRY
I have a package for (READS) Turanga
Leela?
He looks up - there’s Leela, in a jumpsuit and hard hat.
FRY (CONT’D)
Leela... You work here now?
22.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
LEELA
(A LITTLE SAD) I said I wanted something
safe, right? And hey - 393,271 days
without and accident and counting.
She points to a LONG SIGN counting the days.
In the background, a man FALLS OFF a tall railing. He immediately lands in a pile of super-soft mattresses.
MAN
I’m OK!
Everybody claps politely. Leela sighs heavily.
FRY
I guess that’s cool. Want to sign for
this package of cotton-made fluff?
LEELA
(HOPEFUL) Weapons-grade stuff?
FRY
No...
The MAN who fell down approaches Leela from behind.
MAN
Hey, Turanga, could you-
Leela, surprised, DECKS HIM AND FLIPS HIM ONTO HIS BACK. The ACCIDENT SIGN flips to zero. A sad “AW” from the room.
FRY
Are you sure you’re OK?
LEELA
(SOBBING) I AM SO BORED. Delivery was
dangerous, but it was INTERESTING. Have
you ever spot-checked 5,000 mattresses?
FRY
I know how you feel. Now when I pee my
pants at work, I can only blame myself!
23.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
LEELA/FRY
WE WANT OUR STUPID JOBS BACKS!
BENDER runs into frame, out of breath.
LEELA
Bender? What are you doing here?
BENDER
Same as you, unsatisfied, feelings, blah,
blah, blah. Now let’s scram before any
angry mobs just happen to show up.
He pushes Fry and Leela to leave.
BENDER (CONT’D)
Oh, and if anybody asks, I’ve never been
to Brazil, you’re my cousin Filipe, and
I’ve been here for the past week. Cool?
ANGRY MOB NOISES are heard off-screen.
MAN (O.S.)
There he is! Get him!
BENDER
Know what? I’ll just meet you guys back
at the office.
Bender runs off-screen.
END ACT II
24.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
ACT III
EXT. SPACE - ASTEROID FIELD
A DELIVERY SHIP, similar to the PLANET EXPRESS SHIP, flies tepidly through space, bombarded by asteroids. A harsh GUITAR RIFF plays under an AGGRESSIVE NARRATOR:
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Other delivery companies too wimpy to get
your package where its going?
Lasers hits the ship and it EXPLODES, revealing the ACTUAL PLANET EXPRESS SHIP, modified into a sleek war cruiser.
NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
While other companies whine about things
like “border treaties” and “war zones”,
the NEW Planet Express is on the job.
INT. STUDIO - “MOON SET”
FLASH, HANDY and AGNAR stand on a set, holding a PACKAGE. A STUNT MAN in a SPACE MONSTER COSTUME lumbers on-screen.
A lower third reveals this is a “DRAMATIZATION”.
STUNT MAN/”MONSTER”
Hey, Planet Express! I want that
package... TO EAT!!
Flash quickly whips out a very real looking LASER PISTOL and blasts the “monster” in the chest.
STUNT MAN/”MONSTER” (CONT'D)
HOLY CRAP HE ACTUALLY SHOT-
Before he can finish, the commercial SLAM CUTS TO:
EXT. ACTUAL JUNGLE
An DOC STYLE CAMERA struggles to keep up with the crew as they run through a dense, alien jungle.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
In fact, we don’t need any sissy
dramatizations.
25.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
FLASH and AGNAR fight off a number of REPTILIAN GORILLA-MONSTERS while Handy protects the package.
A monster ATTACKS THE CAMERA-MAN. He SCREAMS as the camera shuts off. CUT TO an EXTREME PLANET EXPRESS LOGO.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Planet Express. We get your package
there, no matter what.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The PROFESSOR shuts off the TV we were just watching.
PROF. FARNSWORTH
I hope that answered all your questions.
FRY, LEELA, and BENDER don’t look satisfied.
LEELA
Of course not! We want out jobs back, not
to see some stupid commercial.
FRY
All I learned was how much better those
guys are then- Wait, was that the point?
The Professor is now being FITTED FOR A SUIT.
PROF. FARNSWORTH
I’d answer, but thanks to my new crew,
I’m so wealthy that I don’t have to.
The Professor snaps his fingers. Two LARGE BOUNCERS approach the crew. One of them reads from a card:
BOUNCER
(FLAT) Good news, everybody. You are
being removed from the premises.
EXT. PLANET EXPRESS BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
The bouncers throw the crew onto the street.
BENDER
Getting thrown out of this building is
really starting to dent my ass.
26.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
FRY
Well, I guess it’s time to give up.
LEELA
No! I’m not going let some over-achieving
adrenaline jockeys replace us. We took
their jobs once. We can take them again.
BENDER
Me-thinks the lady doth propose a scheme!
Leela smiles.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
Handy, Agnar, and Flash enter, laughing after a job well done. Farnsworth waits for them.
FLASH
And the War Planet? Please. I’ve beat up
children with bigger plasma rifles.
AGNAR
Yeah, Professor, when are you going to
give us a real challenge?
PROF. FARNSWORTH
I was actually just discussing your next
mission with this eccentric billionaire.
REVEAL: On-screen, it’s BENDER, with a top-hat, fake mustache, and monocle.
BENDER
‘Ello, ‘ello.
HANDY
That eccentric billionaire looks...
familiar.
BENDER
(BAD BRITISH ACCENT) You’ve probably seen
my reality show, (NO ACCENT) “No I Don’t,
So Shut-Up You Dumb Robot.”
27.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
FLASH
Oh man, I love that show!
AGNAR
Did you just lose your British accent?
BENDER
Maybe. (WAVES HANDS) I’m eccentric! But
to the point - I need a delivery crew to
retrieve the mythical Celestial Egg.
FLASH
The Celestial Egg? But that’s just a
myth!
BENDER
Not true! My imbecile man-servant found a
map to it on the back of an ancient fast
food menu. Skippy, if you please!
FRY, grumbling, enters and hands Bender a PAPER MAP. Bender holds it up - there’s a crude EGG drawn on it.
BENDER (CONT’D)
Right between these two black holes, a
smidge north of the Eternal Fire Planet.
Unless you think it’s too... dangerous?
FLASH
Of course not!
BENDER
Excellent! Get the egg, and I’ll reward
you with untold riches. Hurry, I could
become un-eccentric at any time!
He laughs maniacally as the screen SHUTS OFF.
AGNAR
Professor, I don’t know if we should take
this job. It seems... fishy.
Farnsworth wakes up from a nap.
28.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
PROF. FARNSWORTH
Wha- Oh, poppycock. It seems certainly on
the level to me. Now get going!
The crew dutifully files out.
INT. ROBOT ARMS APARTMENT - FRY’S ROOM
Bender, as we just saw him, faces a vid-screen. Fry pushes a MANSION BACK-DROP away, revealing his crappy apartment.
BENDER
I think they bought it! Nice work, me!
LEELA
Why did I have to be down here??
WIDEN TO REVEAL: Unseen by the Professor, Bender is wearing a LONG COAT and standing on LEELA’S SHOULDERS.
BENDER
You try giving a convincing performance
with tired feet.
He hops off of her, landing with a loud THUNK.
LEELA
Are we ready for phase two?
Fry wheels a LARGE, PAPER MACHE EGG into frame.
FRY
You bet!
INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
Leela and Bender enter on Farnsworth, counting money.
LEELA
Professor! We picked up that egg you were
looking for! In record time!
PROF. FARNSWORTH
Oh my, really?
Fry pushes in the PAPER MACHE EGG.
29.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BENDER
That very handsome billionaire is going
to be thrilled. Bet we make your current
crew look like a bunch of chumps.
PROF. FARNSWORTH
Oh, this is great news! A second
celestial egg!
BENDER
A second what now?
REVEAL: Agnar, Handy, and Flash, with their own, much more impressive REAL EGG.
FLASH
What’s up... chumps.
FRY
You actually found the egg?!
BENDER
Clearly, this is some sort of a scam!
Professor, fire these con artists
immediately!
FRY
Uh, Bender, their egg might be real.
BENDER
What- Come on. Why would you say that?
FRY
(POINTS) It’s hatching.
ANGLE ON: The REAL EGG shakes and cracks. A GIANT SPACE T-REX with WINGS POPS OUT and knocks down Handy and Agnar.
FRY (CONT’D)
(GIRLISH SHRIEK)
BENDER
Uh, look, our egg’s hatching, too!
Bender knocks it over. Candy pours out.
30.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
BENDER (CONT’D)
Whoa! The celestial pinata candy of- AH!
A DINOSAUR TAIL knocks Bender off-frame.
Leela runs to attack the beast, but it knocks her down and pins her with one of its feet.
LEELA
(STRUGGLING) Someone! Help!
Fry just stands there, trembling.
FLASH
Ah, hell, I’ll handle this.
He pulls out his SHOTGUN. The space-dino KNOCKS IT AWAY.
FLASH (CONT’D)
(SCARED) Ah, my gun! My lasers come out
of that!
Flash backs into the corner, whimpering.
FRY
What!? Flash, come on!
Flash shakes his head “No.” Fry can’t believe it.
FRY (CONT’D)
Fine. My bowels may be on a mission to
vacate, but I’m on mission to face my
fears like a man! Hey dino, over here!
The space-dino leaves Leela and ROARS IN FRY’S FACE.
FRY (CONT’D)
(MEEK) Mission accomplished on both
fronts.
The space-dino rears back and prepares to eat him.
BENDER
Fry! I don’t think he’s into morals!
Leela suddenly leaps in to action, KICKING the space-dino on the nose. She punches it twice between the eyes.
31.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
LEELA
HEE-YA! Oh God, I’ve never felt so ALIVE!
The space-dino retreats, leaving a hole in one wall. Everybody CHEERS. Fry helps Flash up.
FLASH
You did all right there, kid.
Fry smiles hopefully. He holds up the PATCH from earlier.
FRY
Does this mean-
FLASH
(SIGHS) OK, fine.
Flash reaches for the patch, but Fry jumps on his back for a surprise PIGGY BACK RIDE.
With Fry on his back giggling like a little girl, Flash stumbles past Leela and Agnar.
AGNAR
I’m sorry I put you and your friends at
risk.
LEELA
No, it’s OK. My life needed a little
danger.
Handy looks to Bender hopefully.
BENDER
Bite me, sunshine.
HERMES, holding PAPERS, enters with the Professor.
PROF. FARNSWORTH
Hurray! Everyone’s friends again. Just in
time to renew your contracts without
reviewing the terms.
Handy, Agnar and Flash exchange glances.
32.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
AGNAR
Actually, we’ve been meaning to talk to
you about that.
FLASH
We’d like to negotiate some extra
compensation.
PROF. FARNSWORTH
Oh certainly! You’ve been working very
hard for this company and you should be
rewarded.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg sit across from Hermes and the Professor.
AMY
So you just fired them?
PROF. FARNSWORTH
(ANGRY) Of course! Can’t have employees
just going around asking for raises once
a decade.
FRY
Well, I know I learned an important
lesson today-
HERMES
Didn’t we all! Larger profits don’t
always justify an increase in overhead.
FRY
Right, but also-
BENDER
If you can’t beat ‘em, undercut their
prices.
FRY
Yeah, but you guys saw when-
33.
CONTINUED:
(CONTINUED)
LEELA
Risking your life is OK, as long as you
get your adrenaline fix.
FRY
GUYS! I stood up to a dinosaur. Doesn’t
that mean anything to you!?
OMNI
Eh. / Not really. / Who?
ZOIDBERG
(HOLDING IT UP) I found a candy!
Fry sags pitifully. Leela smiles and puts her hand on his.
LEELA
I thought you were very brave.
She kisses him on the cheek. Fry smiles.
LEELA (CONT’D)
Now go change your pants.
As we PULL OUT, we CUT TO:
EXT. PLANET EXPRESS
The FLYING SPACE-DINO rampages through the city, breathing fire and destroying buildings as a sweet CLOSING CUE plays.
END.
34.
CONTINUED: