funnies extra! mat-su valley edition #17

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OFF THE MARK by MARK PARISI

**** VOLUME 1, NO. 17 HAVE A LAUGH ON US! NOVEMBER 2012 ****

“Do you have to take up the whole bed?”

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VOL 1, NO. 17 - NOVEMBER, 2012 ǁ www.funnies-extra.com ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION ǁ 3

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©2011 Brian Martin dist. by InkBottleSyndicate.com

*Ben and Jerry’s send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo. *Dolphins sleep with one eye open. *”Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”

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WHEN WILL YOU TWO LEARN TO PLAY NICE?

HARA KIWI by LECTRRSTRANGER THINGS by TIM THOMSONIMAGINE THAT by BRIAN MARTINP

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©2011 Brian Martin /Dist. by www.InkBottleSyndicate.com

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*The Bambino, Babe Ruth, wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep cool. He changed it every 2 innings. *Almonds are a member of the peach family. *All porcupines float in water.

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©2011 Wil Panganiban / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

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RALF THE DESTROYER by SCOTT LINCOLN

foot in my mouth without uttering a word. Truth was, I didn’t have other plans.

I stewed about it for weeks. I felt blessed that both my parents and my in-laws were healthy and able to cel-ebrate with me. And I hadn’t been with my parents on my birthday since high school. But I felt a little cheated because I knew it wouldn’t be much of a party. My parents are restricted to a bland, low sodium diet, so we’d be eating unsalted mashed potatoes and meatloaf at about 4 and chasing it down with 7UP on the rocks. And I’d be try-ing to carry a conversation with two men who respond to everything you say by leaning forward, tilting their heads, and saying, “What?”

Sounds petty, right? My birthday fell on a Friday. My parents went to Wal-Mart to get an oil change, so I decided to play hooky and take my brand-new ATV for an off-road ad-venture on a local trail. I had a pret-ty good time and my attitude im-proved. I swung by the house to pick up my lovely lady so we could catch the early band at the infamous Lit-tle Bear Saloon—rock out for a few hours then come home, cut the cake with the kids and the parents, and everything would be hunky dory.

OPEN MOUTH...INSERT FOOTJim Lein writes about adventure, life, music, and parenthood and has learned that most good stories don’t begin with, “and then I decided to keep my mouth shut.” His home in the Colorado Rockies serves both as an office and as a base camp for a variety of outdoor and musical activities. He has been published in numerous trade journals, business publications, and lifestyle magazines and is now a weekly contributor to Funnies Extra!.

Happy Birthday To MeBy Jim Lein “Meh” is an interjection, often used to describe indifference. Today’s my birthday and I am, at best, indiffer-ent. My lack of enthusiasm for that special day started a few years ago. It was a milestone birthday that most people celebrate by planning well in advance and scheduling an awesome, bucket-list type of activity. One of my buddies trekked Nepal. Another went skydiving. You get the idea.

I’m lucky. My birthday’s in the mid-dle of September, the most beautiful time of the year everywhere. Some-times there’s nothing like a birthday to spoil an otherwise gorgeous day. A month prior to that milestone birth-day I was chatting on the phone with my Mom. My parents spend summers in Minnesota and winters in Arizona and always stop by when traveling between the two. “We’re leaving two weeks early this year,” Mom said. “So we can celebrate your birthday with you!” There was a silence, a preg-nant pause, I think it’s called. “If you have other plans…we understand,” she said in a hurt voice. I’d stuck my

But I pulled into the driveway and there was my in-laws’ Lincoln parked next to my parents’ Malibu. My wife scurried down to head me off at the pass. “They wanted to start the party early,” she said sheepishly. Sure enough, they were all sitting on the deck sipping virgin margaritas and munching on pita chips. Five mind-numbing hours later, at about 8 pm, the doorbell rang. For a brief moment I perked up. After all, when the doorbell rang at about the same time on my 30th birthday I opened the door to a stripper dressed like a cop. But alas, this time it was my neighbor, Paul, his wife, and their two sons. He glanced around the room and gave me a sympathetic look. “Happy Birthday,” he said dry-ly, handing me a liter of whiskey. His boys proudly presented me with a box of fireworks. I accepted the gifts and thanked them. I walked down the front stairs and stepped out into the yard. Everyone gathered on the deck above and watched me in si-lence. I arranged all the fireworks in a circle on the concrete cover of the septic system holding tank. Colo-rado only allows non-explosive and flightless fireworks—like cone foun-tains, ground spinners, illuminating torches—but these were the biggest legal fireworks I’d ever seen. I lit

them one by one in succession. The darkness exploded with the sput-tering, colorful light and the hissing and shrieking of the rockets. I took my shirt off and danced like a hedo-nistic pagan. As I cavorted in and out of the shower of sparks my audience started clapping and urging me on with louder and louder shouts of joy. As the last fountain fizzled out, I col-lapsed onto the brittle fall grass and stared up at the stars.

Back in the house we put on some syrupy movie about a boy and a dog. The old men pulled their chairs up next to the speakers. My wife handed out Pepcid Complete. I fell asleep in my chair doing a Lincoln Memo-rial. That’s where you sit up straight with hands on the armrests and try to convince everyone else you’re not dozing off. I woke up in the middle of the night to a silent house and shuf-fled off to bed.

Maybe adults should stop celebrat-ing their birthdays after they turn 21. Each year, tear the page off the calen-dar and breathe a sigh of relief that you’re one year older, which is bet-ter than the alternative. I’ll end with that. I need to rummage through the pantry and find the fire extinguisher. It’s time to cut the cake.

©2011 Jim Lein / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC


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Tastes Like ChickenBY JOSH ALVES

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CHUCK DOWNS - CartoonistHaikus amuse me

But sometimes can confuse meRefrigerator

I always find random things in my pockets at the end of the day: paper

Each quarter, Funnies Extra! will shine the Spotlight on new or little-known aspiring cartoonists and pay them for their ‘toons, too! Comic strips and panels will be published from cartoonists of any age along with a pic and short bio. Send each strip as a PDF file, 300 dpi, CMYK, along with your name, age, address and phone number. Send 5 to 10 color submissions to: [email protected] and type “Spotlight” in the subject line. Good luck!For submission guidelines and information, go to: www.funnies-extra.com/submissions. (Participation void where prohibited.)

MARK SIMON - Producer/Director/CartoonistMark Simon is a 25-year film & TV veteran amassing over 3,000 production credits including animation producer on Larry the Cable Guy’s latest movie, Tooth Fairy 2.His storyboard and animation companies can be found online at www.Storyboards-East.com and include clients such as: Disney, Universal, Viacom, Sony, HBO, Nickelodeon, FOX, Steven Spielberg, USA Net-works, ABC Television and many others.Mark’s experience selling original TV series led to his founding www.SellYourTvConceptNow.com to mentor other creators. He is also the author of 10 popular industry texts, and lectures around the world at major conferences, entertainment trade schools and universities.

HOLLYWEIRD by MARK SIMON

POCKET LINT by CHUCK DOWNS

clips, gum wrappers, dry cleaning receipts and the ever-present lint. These drawings are what’s left in my head when the day is done: the random “pocket lint” of my brain.

Chuck Downs is a carbon-based form of cartoonist who lives in Florida with his wife and two children. By day, he is vice president of marketing for a company that clearly does not conduct very thorough background checks. By night, he fights crime. Now that he is older, his experience only walks the gamut for fear of pulling a hamstring. He often “misuses” quotation marks, and likes to frequently split his infinitives.


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