oklahomies pilot episode

8/9/2019 Oklahomies Pilot Episode

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PILOT EPISODE

MITCH GARVER

SECOND DRAFT [email protected]


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COLD OPEN

EXT. OFF ROAD TRAIL - DAY

Two people are hacking away at the forest soil with a pair ofshovels. They’re digging a hole, they’re working up a sweat,they’re OPHELIA “O” CHAMBERS (23) & KELLAN BERNSHAW (25), andthey’re up to their knees in earth-

OPHELIA He still has MySpace?

KELLANHis band has MySpace.

OPHELIA He’s in a band?!

KELLANWhatever, dude! He’s cute, he’snice, and he’s not originally fromOklahoma so he doesn’t know how bigof a pathetic asshole I really am.

OPHELIA Because everybody in Oklahoma knowshow pathetic of an asshole you are?

KELLANBecause everybody in Oklahoma is a

pathetic asshole.OPHELIA

Kellan Dorothy Bernshaw! I resentthat completely!

KELLANMy middle name is Joshua?

OPHELIA Oklahoma is not for assholes!That’s just simply not true. I

mean, look around you!

A BEAT while Kellan humors her. The woods are beautifullybarren here, not a sound but the BIRDS and WIND-

OPHELIA (CONT’D)Would pathetic assholes livesomewhere this breathtaking?

She drops her shovel, throws her arm around Kellan, they bothtake in the woodland scenery-


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OPHELIA (CONT’D)God, I love these woods. They’rejust so majestic-

KELLANSo powerful-

OPHELIA So Hunger Games-esque.

KELLANOh my God, you’re so right. I cantotally picture Katniss Everdeenrunning around all up in here, orclimbing that tree or something.

Ophelia hoists herself out of the hole the two friends havebeen digging. Kellan hands her their shovels and supplies-

OPHELIA Well, my friend, no longer will youhave to picture her, because thesepathetic assholes will be seeingher tonight at the midnightpremier! HUNGA GAMES!

Kellan climbs out of the hole, gathers up the shovels-

KELLANTonight?

OPHELIA Yes, tonight!

KELLANI have to close at the bar tonight.I can’t do a midnight showing.

OPHELIA Well, just call off!

Kellan POPS open his trunk and removes a strange CANVAS BAG.O offers her help and they both DRAG the bag to the hole-

KELLANI’m the only bartender, O. If Icall off there will be nobody to

mix the drinks.

OPHELIA Good! Maybe that will teacheverybody that alcohol consumptiontakes a back seat to riveting,dystopian tales!

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KELLANI think a lot of people woulddisagree with you.

They both grab either side of the CANVAS BAG. They swing theheavy load back and forth until eventually letting go andhurling the bag into the hole -- it lands with a THUD.

Both Kellan and Ophelia stand at the mouth of the hole,gazing down into it, the bag in the very center, a BEAT, then-

KELLAN (CONT’D)We really gotta stop adopting pets.

OPHELIA (GASP) I was literally about to saythat exact same thing!

They SLAP five, grab their shovels and begin returning theunearthed soil to the hole, covering the strange, deceased,

mystery pet all the while.

TITLE CARD: OKLAHOMIES

ACT ONE

INT. THE DUPLEX - DAY

Kellan and Ophelia’s home. Bright here, a vast amount ofnatural light floods the spacious apartment illuminating

folksy pieces of artwork, a patchwork quilt throw, and so much wood panelling you’d swear you were in a forest-

Kellan is at the kitchen table, rolling coins and stuffingthem into a shoebox-

KELLANI think you were right, O! There’senough change here to cover therest of this month’s rent!

Ophelia enters from her bedroom, PLOPS another handful ofchange onto the existing pile-

OPHELIA Right? Here’s some extra I waskeeping in a pillow case under mybed. A sort of make-shift weaponincase of intruders, you know?

KELLANAwe, dude. You’re giving up yoursafety weapon for rent?

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OPHELIA Well yeah, Kel. It’s the least Ican do. Plus, Big Stu gave me hisnunchuks after his testicle mishap,so you know...

Ophelia grabs her jacket, her bag and heads for the door-

OPHELIA (CONT’D)So, did you do it yet?

KELLANDo what?

OPHELIA Call off from the bar!

KELLANI already told you, dude! There’sno way I can do that.

He leans back as he explains, LIGHTS a doobie-

KELLAN (CONT’D)If I call off, then Tosha wouldhave to cover, and I already oweTosha for that time Stacy got foodpoisoning, and if Tosha can’t doit, then Stacy definitely won’t doit, then they’ll make Billy do itand Billy fucking HATES me-

OPHELIA Okay! Okay! No more names!

She snags the doobie from Kellan’s lips, tokes-

OPHELIA (CONT’D)Just know that you’re the reason I

will not find out what happens inthis installment of the franchise!

KELLANDidn’t you tell me that you read

the books?

OPHELIA Yeah, well basically. I read somequotes from the books on Tumblr.

KELLANOh, that’s not the same thing.

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OPHELIA Sure it isn’t.

She offers a WINK as she exits the duplex leaving Kellan withhis pile of coins. He takes a break from his rolling and

wipes his moistened brow-

He brings his change-rolling fingers to his nose, takes anice big WHIFF, cringes at the smell. He immediately pullsout his iPhone, opens a search bar where he proceeds to type:“ WHY DOES CHANGE SMELL THAT WAY? ”

EXT. SHOPPING PLAZA - ESTABLISHING

A measly string of basically vacant storefronts sit in frontof a vast, empty parking lot. A literal TUMBLE WEED rolls by-

CLOSE ON: A particular storefront with bright red doors, justabove, a broken sign reads “ NIFTY THRIFTY THRIFTS FOR YOU ”

INT. NIFTY THRIFTY THRIFTS FOR YOU - DAY

A fluorescently illuminated hoarder’s dream palace scored tothe sounds of a 1990’s elevator. Racks upon racks ofclothing, a few pieces of ancient furniture, the works.

Peculiar looking mannequins with appendages of differentraces than that of their torsos hang out in threesomes ineither corner of the store.

Ophelia stands behind a counter where she aimlessly foldsclothing. A lonely bottle of Mello Yellow keeping her company-

A pleasant, DOWDY WOMAN approaches-

DOWDY WOMANExcuse me, I was just wondering ifyou folks have sweaters.

Ophelia stops her folding-

OPHELIA

Sweaters? You’re wondering if wehave sweaters?

She refers the Woman to a literal SWEATER MOUNTAIN displaythat is set up nice and neat, near the register. The signnext to it reads “ YES, WE HAVE SWEATERS! ”

OPHELIA (CONT’D)No, we don’t have sweaters.

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The Woman walks away just as a VOICE comes over the PA-

VOICE (V.O.)Ophelia Chambers to the backoffice, please. Ophelia Chambers tothe back office. Thank you.

O SCOFFS as she works her way out from behind the counter-

OPHELA (Yelling to the ceiling) I am theonly employee here! There’s no needto full-name me, dude!

VOICE (V.O.)Also, Please bring my Mello Yello.Ophelia Chambers bring me my MelloYello. Thank you.

She lets out a loud GROWL as she backtracks, grabs the soda,then sulks to the back of the store.

REVEAL the DOWDY WOMAN is left alone with the sweaterdisplay. A BEAT as she realizes she’s completely alone, thenshe DESTROYS the perfect display, knocking the majority of itonto the floor, total annihilation.

She walks away, DUSTING off her hands, pleased with herself.

BACK OFFICE

A very small room, big enough only for the desk that takes upthe majority of its space. On one side of the desk, Ophelia’sboss, the Voice, LEONARD “LENNY” CRAFT (40)-

On the other side, Ophelia, with her legs propped up onto thedesk, sipping from the Mello Yello -

LENNYSo, you weren’t sleeping in the airducts last Tuesday?

OPHELIA

Lenny, honey, I already told you, I was cleaning! Is that okay? Can Inot clean? Do you want this placeto be a filthy mess, Lenny? Do you?Huh?!

LENNYMaybe we just leave the air ductsalone from now on, okay? They don’tneed cleaning.

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OPHELIA Well, they were a mess.

LENNYThey’re air ducts!!

He regains his composure-

LENNY (CONT’D)I’m sorry. It’s been a long day,and I think my blood sugar might bedipping down.

With that, Ophelia finishes off Lenny’s Mello Yello duringtwo, or three BEATS of full-blown CHUGGING, this pains Lenny.

OPHELIA AAH, so crisp.

She BURPS, wipes her mouth, tosses the bottle behind her-

OPHELIA (CONT’D)You were saying?

Lenny lets out a long SIGH as he pulls open one of hisdrawers. He hands Ophelia an envelope.

LENNYYour paycheck.

She nabs it-

OPHELIA Baller!

Paycheck in hand, she hops out of her chair and exits theoffice leaving Lenny in the office alone.

His phone RINGS, he answers-

LENNYThis is Lenny-

(BEAT)Uh, huh-

(BEAT)Uh, huh-(BEAT)

Well, do you have any Asian girlsavailable for tonight?

(BEAT)How old?

(BEAT)26?! I’m not looking for an old

maid, here!

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You send the 19 year old PhilippinoI reserved or I’ll be taking mybusiness elsewhere! You hear me?!You hear me, Craig?!

He SLAMS the phone down onto the receiver, pulls a MelloYello from his mini-fridge and GULPS it down.

INT. DUPLEX FOYER - DAY

The small stairwell that separates the two units of theduplex. Kellan exits his unit, entering the shared space.

He descends the stairwell and comes to the opposite unit’sdoor where he proceeds to RAP his knuckles-

The door opens to a plump woman who quickly waddles away.She’s Latina, sports some brightly colored double-knits, and

most importantly is completely BALD - meet ROSELLA RAMOS (50)-

KELLANHi, Rosie. How are you feeling?

He enters-

ROSELLA’S

Very similar to the way Kellan and Ophelia’s place is laidout. The wood panelling here is a shade darker than theirs,

giving the place an almost eerie feel.Rosella has quickly returned to her recliner where a blanketand pre-lit cigarette wait for her. Her eyes are glued to herTV, a rerun of The Munsters on mute-

ROSELLA I’d be feeling a whole hell of alot better if my fruit-bowl-tenantsknew how to pay their rent on time.

KELLANWell, you’d be happy to know that I

come bearing gifts.

He slides the shoebox over toward her-

ROSELLA Shoes? No thanks, the chemo makes

my feet swell.

KELLANOpen it.

8.

LENNY (CONT'D)


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She pries off the lid revealing numerous rolls of coins-

ROSELLA Oh, great! Rent that’s on time butin the form of thousands andthousands of coins. Hurray!

KELLANI know, I know, the coinage is lessthan desirable, but it all spendsthe same, and it’s all there. All$650 of it.

She returns the lid to the shoebox-

ROSELLA And where’s the $325 you still owefor last month? Is that coming in asmaller box? Like, a...

A BEAT as she struggles to think of smaller box-

ROSELLA (CONT’D)Like a, like a, like a smaller box?

KELLANWait, what?

ROSELLA You two only paid for half last

month. The girl said something

about needing the extra money for“pet-expenses”-

KELLANOh, yeah. That didn’t go so wellfor us. Look, Rosie I-

ROSELLA No, no, no, no! No more “lookRosie,” no more “pet expenses,” no

more “we’re saving up for our ownRedBox.” No more excuses from you!

KELLANBut, we-

ROSELLA (YELLING) Si ustedes dos no paga elalquiler en el día siguiente me voy-

The Spanish berating carries on as Kellan slowly backs his way out of Rosella’s apartment-

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KELLANOh, no. No, that still hasn’t come.No, apparently we owe Rosella moneyfrom last month and I’m pretty muchtapped out and she’s extra Rosella-ish today, so I-

OPHELIA (Doing her best ‘Godfather’) So,you came crawling to me to ask me afavor . (Tries again) A favor . (One

more time) A favor . That doesn’tsound right. Favor . Favor .

KELLANWe need $325.

OPHELIA Well, I did just get my paycheck,but I was really hoping to get thatin-home sea turtle aquarium...

KELLANNO MORE PETS!

OPHELIA Oh, right, right, right-

A BEAT as she ponders what to do, then-

OPHELIA (CONT’D)

Ooh, I know! I’ll forfeit the majority of my paycheck ONLY if youpromise to call off work and go tothe midnight Hunger Games premier

with me! Aha! Gotcha! Yes!

She dangles the paycheck in front of Kellan’s face-

OPHELIA (CONT’D)You know you want to.

He SIGHS-

OPHELIA (CONT’D)Jennifer Lawrence in her career-defining role!

Nothing-

OPHELIA (CONT’D)Liam Hemsworth.

(BEAT)Shirtless Liam Hemsworth.

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KELLAN(UGHHHH) FINE!

He grabs the paycheck from her hand and heads for the door.

KELLAN (CONT’D)But, know that I’m not doing thissolely to see Liam’s body. This isa career-defining role for Jenniferand I really just want to witnessher craft, and her raw talent.

OPHELIA Totally.

He exits-

OUTSIDE - SPLIT SCREEN

Kellan exits the store, heads for his car. He pulls out hisphone, opens a search bar, TYPES: “ SHIRTLESS LIAM HEMSWORTH”

Clicks SEARCH, a flood of flesh and abdominal muscles.

INSIDE - SPLIT SCREEN

Ophelia is still at her post. Once Kellan’s gone she toosearches “ SHIRTLESS LIAM HEMSWORTH ” on her phone.

The exact same flesh-toned search results as Kellan’s.KELLAN

Hello, sir.OPHELIA

Schwiiing!

ACT TWO

INT. JED’S SPITTOON SALOON - NIGHT

A real country-western joint. Dusty wagon wheels line walls,

peanut shells litter the floor. A series of headshots line a wall, a sign next to it reads “ We conquered the “Saloon Goon” Under the text, the image of a massive steak.

Kellan, in his western garb (stetson hat, bolo tie) worksbehind a bar that is completely covered in signed dollarbills. He’s washing glasses, paying zero attention to the MENthrowing darts on the other side of the bar.

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The sink Kellan uses is slowly filling with ice and drinkgarnishes. He grabs a utensil, FLICKS the garbage disposalswitch and begins stuffing the drain with the mess - VRRRR!

He struggles with the mess, leans down to apply his full weight, A BEAT and the mess is sucked down the drain into the

disposal, right along with strings of KELLAN’S BOLO TIE -

It pulls him down, he WAILS as he pulls back on the tie-

KELLANHelp!! Help!!

DART BOARD

Three MEN knock back tall, amber beers. They’re clearlyintoxicated, and sport similar clothing to Kellan’s uniform-

The toothless one pipes up-

MAN #1And then she had the nerve to ask

my wife what she thinks!

MAN #2Who the fuck cares what our Godforsaken wives think?

MAN #3 hurls a dart at the board-

MAN #3The only thing my Betsy thinksabout is whether or not I want sourcream or butter with my bakedpotatoe that night.

KELLAN (O.S.)(QUIET; FAR OFF)

Help!

The Men look around confused, a BEAT and they shrug it off-

MAN #1

Did you guys finish 50 Shades ?

They SQUEAL like school girls and begin to dish-

BACK TO THE BAR

Kellan has one of his legs up on the sink, using it hasleverage to pull himself free-

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KELLANHelp me, somebody!!!

One last TUG, and he manages to tear himself free. Anothercowboy-looking man rushes onto the scene. He’s bespectacled,he’s thin, he’s Kellan’s manager, he’s JED JUDD (30) and theSpittoon Saloon is his domain-

JEDWhat the hell is going on?

Kellan turns to his boss, REVEAL his CHEWED UP TIE that nowonly makes it mid-chest down his torso-

JED (CONT’D)Kellan, again?

KELLANI’m sorry, that thing just has a

mind of its own-

He inspects the disposal-

JEDDo you know how many people diefrom garbage disposals in a year?

KELLANI don’t know, maybe like...

JED

Seventeen!KELLAN

Wow really? Seventeen?

JEDSeventeen.

KELLANAnd you just knew that off the topof your head?

JED

I’m not going to tell you again.How do we avoid this problem?

KELLAN(Under his breath)

We tuck the tie when we lean toclean so we do not die or becomeobscene-

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JEDI’m sorry what was that?

KELLAN(Louder)

We tuck the tie when we lean to

clean so we do not die or becomeobscene!!!

JEDExactly. Now, grab a fresh bolofrom the top drawer of my desk, andcrack some of these peanuts. RacistRay should be here soon and Godknows he’ll have a fit if he has tocrack his own peanuts-

He tosses a peanut into his mouth, makes his exit. A fewBEATS of Kellan CRACKING peanuts, then-

OPHELIA I bet those aren’t the first nutsyou held today, big boy.

O has managed to pop a squat at the far end of the bar-

KELLANDude, what are you doing here?

OPHELIA Well, I wouldn’t have to be here if

somebody would’ve CALLED OFF FROMWORK LIKE HE PROMISED!!

He SHUSHES her, stuffing a handful of peanuts in her mouth-

KELLANI already told you, they need me.

She SPITS a peanut at him-

KELLAN (CONT’D)O, it’s too late to do anything now-

She SPITS another

KELLAN (CONT’D)What do you want me to do, just-

Another peanut-

KELLAN (CONT’D)Oh my God! Fine! What?! What’s yourplan? I’m assuming there’s a plan?

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OPHELIA I knew you’d come around.

She leans up to his ear, and whispers her scheme.

BEHIND THE BAR - LATER

Kellan lies face down on the floor. A MUG OF BEER is in onehand, spilled, the puddle growing like blood. The other handrests gently on a dinner roll.

Ophelia sits at the bar, pretending to be a member-

OPHELIA Hello? Help! Call 9-1-1!

(BEAT)Or maybe don’t rush into actuallycalling right away, but check outthe situation for yourself!

Jed rushes in from the kitchen-

JEDKellan? Kellan??!

Kellan fakes waking up-

KELLANWoah. I must have fainted. Did Ihit anything on my way down? Are

the pre-shelled peanuts for RacistRay okay? Please tell me the pre-shelled peanuts for Racist Ray

weren’t hurt!

JEDGo home, Kellan. Get your headchecked or something. You’re notdoing us any good here fainting allover the place and getting your tiestuck in the disposals.

KELLAN

But, Racist Ray!

JEDGo.

INT. KELLAN’S CAR - NIGHT

Kellan, still sporting his uniform (beer stains, severedtie), is behind the wheel. Ophelia sits shotgun-

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OPHELIA Okay, we got you off work, we gotthe blunt, now we just need some

major snackage and we’ll be allset. Here! Pull in here!

Kellan maneuvers the vehicle into a parking lot.

EXT. JOE’S FUEL & FOOD - NIGHT

The two friends exit the vehicle. They near the entrance ofthe store, but Kellan is quick to stop them from entering-

KELLANWait! It’s that Mickey kid.

He’s referring to a handsome young man working behind thecounter of the gas station. MICKEY SAXXON (25) isn’t youraverage Oklahoma twenty-something, he’s attractive, trendy, areal fish out of water in this enviroment-

OPHELIA Well would you look at that. It is!I wonder how he’s doing. I haven’tseen him since-

KELLANLily Casterfield’s pool party?Where he pushed me into a hot tub?And cracked two of my ribs?

Ophelia laughs at Kellan’s expense-

OPHELIA Holy shit, I forgot all about that!

KELLANLet’s just go somewhere else.

He turns to leave, but is quickly turned around by Ophelia-

OPHELIA Kel, we’re running out of time

here! C’mon, it’s whatever. I’msure he doesn’t even remember thehot tub incident. W.W.K.D., dude.

He looks at her, puzzled-

OPHELIA (CONT’D)What would Katniss do!?

She ushers him toward the entrance, he SIGHS.

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INT. JOE’S FUEL & FOOD - CONTINUOUS

The two friends enter the gas station. Bright lightsilluminate your typical gas station inventory. Mickey has

made his way over to a soda fountain where he works cleaningeach individual nozzle-

The JANGLE of a sad leather strip of golden bells hangingfrom the door announces O and Kellan’s arrival - RRRING!

Just as Mickey turns to greet his new customers, his handtwists one of the nozzles a bit too far, and an eruption ofcola SPEWS from the machine dousing Mickey in its juices.

SLO-MO: Mickey is sopping wet, his muscles, glistening, only more defined now by his moistened attire. He FLICKS his long,

drenched locks back in true Flash Dance style. Mickey is sexyand Mickey knows he’s sexy.

Kellan and Ophelia are slackjawed, watching all of this. Ogropes one of her breasts-

OPHELIA My damn.

Soaking wet Mickey makes his way over to them-

MICKEYWhat’s up guys?

He pops off his wet t-shirt, exposing his chiseled torso-

MICKEY (CONT’D)Wait a sec. I know you guys. LilyCasterfield’s pool party, right?Yeah, (to Kellan) you were the kidthat fell into the hotub!

KELLANFell?

OPHELIA (Staring at Mickey’s bod)

Kellan’s always falling. Falling

down the stairs, falling forinternet scams, falling in love with gorgeous gas station clerks.

MICKEYKellan, that’s right. And you’reOlivia, right?

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OPHELIA It’s Ophelia, but everybody justcalls me O. You can call me

whatever you want though! Olivia,Janet, Larry, Margaret, Buzz...

Mickey LAUGHS as he rings his shirt dry and puts it back on,an awkward BEAT where O and Mickey are lost in each othersfeatures leaving Kellan to fend for himself-

KELLANI gotta poop.

He b-lines for the bathrooms-

MICKEYWow.

OPHELIA Right? He hardly ever goes inpublic.

MICKEYI find it hard to believe I didn’task you for your digits at Lily’s.

OPHELIA You did. Also, Kellan didn’t fallinto that hot tub. (BEAT) Youpushed him.

MICKEYWhat? Really? Damn, my bad. I must’ve been tanked.

OPHELIA Are you tanked right now?

MICKEYNo?

OPHELIA Good. It’s area code 339...

INT. MENS ROOM STALL - CONTINUOUS

Kellan is sitting on a toilet, he gathers a neat pile oftoilet paper, and leans forward to wipe.

He notices that the stall next to him is occupied. While wiping he drops a single piece of toilet paper on the ground.

He goes to grab it, but when his hand hits the toilet paper,ANOTHER HAND from the other stall lays on top of his.

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He quickly pulls his hand back and sits up, wide-eyed. TheHAND gingerly motions for Kellan to return his hand.

KELLANUm, no. No thanks.

The hand now makes the shape it would if it were performing ahand job, quick, vigorous motions from under the stall. Itthen eases its way toward Kellan’s leg, closer, closer, then-

CRUNCH, Kellan stomps the seducing hand to the ground, thestall NEIGHBOR WAILS in pain. Kellan hurries to pull hispants up, but before he can exit-

The Neighbor’s face pokes under the stall-

NEIGHBORWhat the fuck, dude?!

Kellan’s back away-

KELLANWhat the fuck to me? What the fuckto you, dude!

NEIGHBORI think my hand’s broke!

KELLANYeah, well, I guess just be happyyou didn’t put your dick down there-

NEIGHBORWould you like that?

KELLANOh my God.

Kellan storms away leaving the creep with his broken hand. ABEAT and the creep retrieves the lone piece of toilet paper

with his good hand, he gives it a a big WHIFF as his eyesroll back in his head.

CHECKOUT COUNTER

Ophelia is purchasing her variety of snacks, Mickey isringing her out-

MICKEYSeriously?

OPHELIA Yeah, man. It’s no big.

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She produces a BLUNT from her pocketbook, hands it over toMickey who admires the token of generosity-

MICKEYWow, thanks. I’ll definitely besure not to lose your digits thistime. I swear.

Kellan bursts out of the bathroom and approaches O and Mickey-

KELLANThere’s a sexual predator in the

mens room!!

OPHELIA Nice!

MICKEYAgain?

He let’s out a SIGH and grabs a baseball bat from under thecounter. BEATS it in his hand a couple times-

MICKEY (CONT’D)Duty calls.

He exits toward the mens room, but-

OPHELIA Hey wait! I haven’t paid for any ofthis yet!

MICKEYIt’s on the house, consider itpayment for the blunt. You guysenjoy that movie!

He BUSTS into the bathroom-

MICKEY (O.S.) (CONT’D)Jigs up, pervert!

Ophelia struggles with her bags of snacks-

OPHELIA A little help, Kel?

He grabs a bag-

KELLANYou gave him our blunt?

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EXT. JOE’S FUEL & FOOD - CONTINUOUS

OPHELIA He said that his dude was out andhe couldn't find herb anywhere.

KELLANSo you gave him ours?!

The both climb into the car.

INT. KELLAN’S CAR - CONTINUOUS

OPHELIA Kellan, did you not see those abs?That smile? His shoe size? Hello!

KELLANNo, you know what, I must’ve beentoo busy getting MOLESTED!

OPHELIA Calm down. Maybe you should’ve lethim jerk you off?

KELLANMickey?

OPHELIA No, the bathroom creep.

KELLANWHAT?! No way! I prefer my handjobs from people I know, and not inpublic restrooms and preferably

with a penny’s worth of Lubriderm!

OPHELIA All I’m saying is, that the KellanI used to know never turned down agood HJ.

KELLAN

Yes he did. Like, all the time.Remember Wendy Scanelli, sophomoreyear? Under the bleachers...

OPHELIA You didn’t let her tug on yoursummer sausage? You might want totweet her or something because shetells that story very differently.

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Kellan throws on his seat belt, shifts into gear and PEELSout of the parking lot-

KELLANWell, I hope you’re cool with

missing the previews because we nowhave a pit stop to make.

OPHELIA (WHINING)

No fair! The previews are myfavorite part though!

KELLANWell maybe you should’ve consideredthat when you were giving out our

weed all willy nilly, like!

INT. KELLAN’S CAR - LATER

Kellan pulls off onto a dark, secluded trail-

KELLANI don’t know, something about hishouse being fumigated?

OPHELIA This is so sketch.

EXT. TRAIL - NIGHTKellan and Ophelia walk, hand-in-hand down the trail. Kellanreferences his iPhone-

KELLANOkay, it says it will be in thethird bush past the rock that lookslike a dead possum ?

A BEAT, then O SCREAMS-

OPHELIA

What the hell is that?!

REVEAL, a very much so DEAD POSSUM rigamorted into a peculiarposition, FLIES BUZZ about it-

KELLANThat would be an actual dead possum-

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Kellan follows the trail, makes his way toward the third bushpast the dead marsupial. He inserts his arm into the bushlooking for something. A BEAT, then-

KELLAN SCREAMS causing O to join in. A third SCREAM pairs with theirs, then a rather large man crawls out from the

bush, the third scream, meet STUART “BIG STU” REYNOLDS (27) -

OPHELIA Holy shit, Stu what the actual fuck-

KELLANWhy were you in the bush?

BIG STUI told you I’d wait for you in thethird bush.

KELLANI thought you meant the bag of weed

would be waiting in the bush.

BIG STUWhy would the bag of weed be

waiting in the bush?

KELLANWhy would YOU be waiting in thebush?!

BIG STU

TO SELL YOU THE WEED!A RUSTLE of leaves, the three friends look off into the dark-

OPHELIA Car?

KELLANCar.

BIG STUCar.

They take off running.

INT. KELLAN’S CAR - MOMENTS LATER

Big Stu is sitting bitch, in the center of the back seat.He’s such a large guy that he kind of take up the entirebackseat anyway. Ophelia & Kellan are in their usual spots-

OPHELIA So, when you can’t sell out of yourhouse, you sell here?

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BIG STUThis, or that vacant cul-de-sac inthe trailer park, or if I’m reallydesperate there’s an abandonedschool bus I use sometimes in thatjunk yard back behind the landfill-

KELLANSo basically the most terrifyingplaces in town?

Big Stu hands Kellan a BAG OF WEED, Kellan hands him ahandful of dollar bills. He counts them-

BIG STUI don’t mind it out here. As longas I don’t run into anymore rocksshaped like dead animals.

OPHELIA Right, rocks.

BIG STUKel, you’re about forty short here.

Kellan looks to Ophelia-

OPHELIA Don’t look at me, all I have issnacks.

BIG STUSnacks?

KELLANShit, let me just-

He checks his pockets-

BIG STUSnacks? I’ll take payment insnacks. I gotta wait out here for

my next client and he’s not due foranother hour or so. I could use the

snacks for fuel and well, forsnacking obviously.

OPHELIA Really? Right on!

She tosses him the multiple bags of snacks-

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BIG STUPringles? Lifesaver Gummies? Youguys fucking rock.

OPHELIA No, you fucking rock!

KELLANTry not to scare the shit out ofanymore people tonight, Big Stu!

He climbs out of the car, leans in through O’s window-

BIG STUEnjoy that movie, guys! Now, is TheHunger Games that movie about the

wizard boy?

KELLANYes. Exactly.

BIG STUOh, whoa. I heard that’s reallygood. You guys are in for a treat.

OPHELIA What can I say? We love wizardry.

BIG STUWho doesn’t?!

He gives the car a couple PATS as it drives off-BIG STU (CONT’D)

Keep it sleazy, bros!!

Snacks in hand, Big Stu makes his way back to his bush.

ACT THREE

INT. MOVIE THEATER LOBBY - NIGHT

The hustle and bustle you’d expect from a midnight moviepremier. Roped off in a nearby corner, Kellan & O wait in aholding area next to a Hunger Games cardboard cutout ofJennifer Lawrence wielding her famous bow and arrow-

KELLANYou just really need to read thebooks, dude. The books are always,always better.

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OPHELIA I’m hearing what you’re saying, butI’m also disagreeing with it anddisregarding it. Movies rule, booksdrool, and that’s that.

KELLANI’m not getting into this again

with you.

OPHELIA God, how much longer do we have

wait here? We’re not cattle!

A steady influx of eager MOVIEGOERS crowd the waiting area-

KELLAN(re: Jennifer Lawrence)

It’s such a tragedy those peoplehacked her phone and made all hernudes available for the masses.Like, is nothing sacred anymore?

Ophelia places a hand of Jennifer’s breast-

OPHELIA I think we define “tragedy”differently.

A scrawny THEATER WORKER makes her presence known-

THEATER WORKER(Screaming)Excuse me! Everybody! I’m going toneed a nice and neat line before wecan let you in the theater!!

(Even louder)ABSOLUTELY NO RUNNING OR SHOVING OFANY SORT. IF YOU RUN WE WILL ASKYOU TO LEAVE WITHOUT A REFUND!!

OPHELIA Harsh.

The crowd of Moviegoers has grown substantially forcingeverybody into shoulder-to-shoulder conditions-

A LONE TEENAGER, acne for days, stands uncomfortably close toKellan, eating what appears to be a coney dog with a generousextra helping of coney sauce-

KELLANOh my. I knew we should’ve waiteduntil after opening night.

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THEATER WORKER (CONT’D)(Through tears)

No running. No running. No running.

Kellan leans down to help her, but once he nears-

THEATER WORKER (CONT’D)(HISS) There can only be one!

She reaches for his throat, Kellan SCREAMS-

Then, from seemingly nowhere, Ophelia lowers from theceiling, her hair now remarkably Katniss-esque-

OPHELIA RUN, KELLAN!

She DROPS onto the Worker, weaponizing the cardboard bow andarrow as best as possible (hitting her with it).

OPHELIA (CONT’D)(To Kellan) GO!

Kellan runs off. He passes people at warp speed, dodgingelbows, fists. He disappears into the melee-

Ophelia has the Worker’s throat under her boot, the cardboardbow and arrow “drawn” and ready to “fire”-

OPHELIA (CONT’D)Any last words, trash?

THEATER WORKERFree concessions for a year?

She removes her foot-

OPHELIA Whoa, really? Fuck yeah.

She helps her up.

DOWN THE HALL

Kellan has made it to the front of the stampede, the theater, with the Hunger Games sign above its doors, comes into view-

KELLANOkay, Bernshaw. You got this.Almost there.

A strange FOG CLOUD billows down the hallway, toward thestampede, toward the theater entrance-

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MOVIEGOER #3POISON FOG!

KELLANOh, fuck fuck! What would Katnissdo in this situation? WWKD, WWKD...

Punctuated SCREAMS come from the crowd as they turn around toavoid the new obstacle, but Kellan’s too close. The FOG getshim, he WAILS in horrific pain, falling to the ground. He’sbeen left to die, the others deserting him at the finish line-

A BEAT as Kellan lays “unconscious” in the fog.

CONCESSION STAND

Ophelia is behind the counter, the popcorn machine is malfunctioning, clouds of dark SMOKE billow from it-

OPHELIA I swear I know what I’m doing!

She douses the machine with a fountain SODA GUN causing moresmoke to be created and fill the area-

OPHELIA (CONT’D)You know what, scratch the popcorn.Just give me three Laffy Taffy’s, afew boxes of Sno-caps, nachos, anysort of beef jerky or dried meat

product you might have and a jumboDiet, but can you put a shot ofregular in there too? Thanks.

LATER

Ophelia has made her way to the theatre, her hands and mouthfull of her assortment of snacks. She spots Kellan lying onthe floor-

OPHELIA Kel! Dude, get up!

He slowly comes to-

KELLANWhat - what the fuck just happened?

Ophelia props the door to the dark theater open, and then, asdramatic as possible-

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OPHELIA We won, that’s what just happened-

TAG

INT. THE DUPLEX - NIGHT

Kellan and Ophelia are lounging in Ophelia’s bed enjoying ablunt, they’re both enthralled by something on O’s phone-

OPHELIA Wow, J-Law’s boobs are so muchbetter than mine.

KELLANIt’s like they’re staring at me.

OPHELIA Her bush. This bush. I mean, I’mbaffled. Like, how does she do it?It’s such a nice shape!

KELLANMagic? Bush magic? I don’t know.

A KNOCK comes from their front door-

LIVING ROOM

Kellan answers the doors while O watches from the other sideof the room. He opens the door, REVEAL NAKED ROSELLA -

KELLANOh my. What the. Rosie?

ROSELLA My shower broke. I’ll use yours.

She walks past Kellan in all her naked glory, Both O andKellan try to avert their eyes. Rosella makes it nearly allthe way to the bathroom, but just before entering she stopsat a small table, where a CANDLE burns-

She stops, BENDS OVER , and smells the candle-

KELLAN(Big WHIFF) Awe, honeysuckle.

With that, she makes her exit to the restroom, leaving O andKellan in the living room alone. A BEAT then-

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KELLAN (CONT’D)What the fuck?

OPHELIA Did you see how close her nipplegot to that flame?

KELLANWhat? No. No, I wasn’t looking ather nipples.

Another BEAT,

OPHELIA Oh... Right... Me neither.

CUT TO BLACK.

END OF PILOT

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oklahomies pilot episode

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